SIN (Scars Internet News) is a performance art show Janet Kuypers performed live in Chicago. This 09/20/05 show contained a series of her poems (all making fun of strange news stories) set to a news beat for background music, with artwork displayed on a computer monitor to coincide with her readings.
Because this was a stripped-down performance art show, Janet Kuypers didnât even have a microphone for this show, so she set it up towards the side of the hall for her performance, where there was a large couch that people could sit on to feel like they were at home watching a news broadcast on their television. So she played the usual news-broadcast noise and had a light typewriter noise tapping in the background while she read these news poems for her audience.

Below are the poems, in the order they appeared in the show:

Japanese Television


as reported in the New York Times:

one new television show in Japan
boasts young women in bikinis
who attempt to smash aluminum cans
in between their breasts

another television show in Japan
brings a young boy on stage
to tell him his mother
has been shot and killed
to see how long it takes him
to cry

I wonder what they'd think
of Rosanne
and Married With Children

--

bizarre sexual stories in the news


from the los angeles times:
two gay men, during sexual activity,
decide to push a live hamster into
the anal cavity of one of the men.
however, after they realized they
couldn't get the hamster out, they
tried to figure out what to do. the
man without the hamster inside
him decided to light a match to see
if he could see where the hamster
was. so man-without-hamster is
perched underneath man-with-
hamster, and lights a match right
under man-with-hamster's anus.
at that time man-with-hamster
passes wind, and it causes a small
streak of fire to jump out and singe
the man-without-hamster's eye-
brows and facial hair. however,
because there was gas in the anal
cavity, the fireball then shot into
the man-with-hamster, circled
around the hamster, burning the
inside of the man-with-hamster.
Furthermore, the gas change and
pressure shot the hamster out
of the man-with-hamster's anus
and into the man-without-hamster's
face, breaking his nose.

--

The Good "Doctor"


California's Dr. John Ronald Brown,
had his medical license revoked in 1977
and was then in jail for three years

Brown later led potential patients to believe
that he was a licensed doctor
and people allowed his transgendering surgeries
because of his low prices

but John Ronald Brown
was not only a doctor for transexuals
but also those who got sexual gratification
from having an arm or leg amputated

in one case, a 79-year-old Philip Bondy
paid $10,000 to have his leg amputated
in Brown's Tijuana Clinic

after the surgery,
Bondy was taken to a
San Diego Holiday Inn
for his recovery
but he died in the hotel
in less than a day

so John Ronald Brown, 75,
was charged with murder
and practicing medicine
without a license

after his arrest,
homicide detective Gary Stovall
found in Brown's San Ysidro apartment
a bloodstained couch, and
bloody towels soaking in his bathtub,
as well as blood trails, medical supplies and
his surgeries on video tapes scattered about the floor

Inside Edition even videotaped him
performing a surgery
though you could still hear the patient during the surgery
moaning and howling in pain

a northern California businesswoman
witnessed Brown operate
on an HIV-positive patient once
and in another case
Brown used too much erectile tissue
to construct genital outer lips for a transgender patient
and as a result,
whenever the girl got excited
her labia got hard

people went to Brown because he was cheap
cheap enough plug silicone injection holes
with crazy glue
and because he technically wasn't a doctor,
he never asked questions,
and you could have the operation
you always wanted... done

Atlanta-based transgender author
Dallas Denny said that transsexuals
knew him as "Table Top Brown"
because he operated anywhere from kitchens
to garages or motel rooms, and some
patients even woke up in parked cars,
and everyone knew there was no screening
and no aftercare with Brown

which may explain why no one watched over
the ailing Philip Bondy

after his Saturday morning operation
Bondy was happy at first
though he later said he felt
Brown "sawing" on his leg

Brown's office was in Mexico
to avoid American law,
but right after the operation on Bondy,
to hide the evidence,
Brown drove 15 miles out
into the desert toward Ensenada
throwing the leg out the window
for the coyotes to eat

Bondy was left at the Holiday Inn
in San Diego Saturday evening,
and was found Sunday morning
lying half on the bed and half off

the wheelchair was turned upside-sown
the phone was tipped over
the sheets were pulled out

and blood was oozing from the blackened
and gangrenous remnants of his leg

for you see, he was infected with gaseous gangrene
a fast-moving flesh-eating bacteria,
which eventually stopped the heart

so in October, a San Diego jury
found Brown guilty of second-degree murder

but people still have their fetishes
and someone will always be there
to take advantage of them

--

couch potato


Stewart, Florida was witness
to another new account
of a woman in medical need.

Emergency Medical Technicians
were summoned in August to a home
with a grossly overweight woman

But not only were the doorways
too narrow
for this four foot ten
four hundred eighty pound woman,
but
she had not moved from her couch
in several years.

The fabric had adhered to her skin.

They transported her
and the couch
to the hospital, but
she died
during their attempts to free her.

--

warren stories


i heard this story about this fat woman
who sat naked on a pork chop bone once

and didn't notice when it lodged itself
among her folds of fat. years later,

when she felt a sharp pain, and the doctors
couldn't figure out what it was, they opened

her up and found the pork chop, and realized
that her skin just eventually grew over it.

--

the things warren says


I know about this guy,
he sucked his eyeball out
with a shop-vac

he went to the hospital
brought the shop-vac
with him

he was okay, but they
couldn't put his eye
back in:

it was all mangled, and
besides, it was covered
in potato chips

--

John Stories


An older white woman, who after shopping,
saw four black men in her car.
Deciding to be safe,
she owned a gun,
and took it out of her purse,
pointing it at the four men
and telling them to get out of the car.

The men left,
but she soon realized
that she was not at her her,
so she found her car
in the parking lot
a few minutes later.

Feeling bad for what she had done,
she drove to the police station
to let them know what happened
in that grocery store parking lot.
As she told the story to the police officer,
he laughed, and pointed out
the four black men at the station
reporting their car jacking
by an old white lady.

No charges were filed.

--

God Will Save Me


it was reported on October 27th
that a group of Jehovah's Witnesses
lost one of their members.
In this small religious group of
Jehovah's Witnesses, they choose to
"test their faith"
by standing in the middle of traffic.
The premise is that God will keep
the traffic away from them.
One of their members stood on I55
professing their beliefs to the
oncoming traffic, but one motorist
wasn't listening. Or watching.

--

I Wanna Be Like Jesus


as reported in Los Angeles, California
in November: one group of Christians
apparently wanted to truly be like Jesus,
and tried to learn how to walk on water.
Day by Day, these Christians were
trying to get closer to God until the
leader of this small Los Angeles group,
while practicing walking on water in his
bathtub, slipped and died in his washroom.

--

The Hands of a Handyman


Dateline Pennsylvania, January 23

William Bartron, a 25 year-old handyman,
was sent by his employer
to a Bethlehem home
for a basement renovation.

While using a miter saw
(a cumbersome circular saw),
his concentration faltered,
as did his aim.
As his attention slipped,
so did the saw,
which then
sliced off his hand.

We're sure he was depressed
that he just lost his hand.

Because losing his hand
must have put him into a
downward spiral,
as he then decided to shoot himself.

In this client's basement.

So yes, William proceeded
to shoot himself
in the head,
a dozen times,
with a pneumatic nail gun.

Now, this homeowner went downstairs
to check on the progress
of their basement renovation.
The basement seemed empty,
but their dog
discovered William
curled in the corner,
without a hand,
and with nails coming out of his head.

Just imagine this:
You hire a handyman
to remodel your basement,
and you see him
after he hacked off his hand
after he then tried to end his life
with one hand
by trying to nail his forehead to death.

They called the company owner
and he came to the scene,
he found William's hand,
put it in a clean plastic sandwich bag,
and took William
and his hand
to the hospital.

The homeowner apparently
encountered an unfortunate delay
in their basement reconstruction

but there is a happy ending for William:
at St. Luke's Hospital
in Fountain Hill,
doctors pulled at least twelve
one and a half inch nails
from William's head
and reattached his severed hand.

--

airbags - for security and defense


dateline South Africa, April 1999

car-jacking is common in South Africa
and the law is permissive with liberal "self defense"
which allows "lethal action" for danger to personal property

because car-jacking is common in South Africa
security systems for cars have included
poison gas
acid showers
flamethrowers
and even automatic gunfire

but one security system used an airbag,
but it was located in the car roof
the driver had to disable the airbag
before starting the engine,
or else the airbag would inflate,
hitting the potential driver in the head
with enough force to knock them unconscious

that happened to resident thief Pieter Niewoudt
who, pistol in pocket, tried to steal this car
the airbag exploded
but Pieter thought the noise was gunfire
shooting at him for trying to steal the car
so he instinctively fired his pistol twice

while it was still in his pocket

one bullet hit his knee
the other lodged in the base of his penis

there was no report on if the airbag
ever hit him to knock him unconscious

--

Bad Tricks with the Cue Stick


People with access to either
pool tables or hand guns
should listen carefully to this story.
In February, a 26-year-old
Russian man tried to enter
a bar in Tomilino, which is near
Moscow, but he was carrying
a concealed gun. a security guard
at the front of the bar stopped him,
and he seems to threaten
the guard with his gun.
But the guard was quick-moving,
and he kicked the gun out of the
man's hands.
The gun landed on a pool table
after the kick, and the guard
asked the players to pass the gun
back to him.
Well, one of the pool players
decided to pick up the gun with
hi cue stick. What they didn't realize
was that by sliding the cue stick
through his trigger-hole, was that
the gun then would slide down
the cue stick, until the cue stick was
thick enough to pull the trigger.
He picked up the gun with his
cue stick, the gun slid closer to him
and fired one shot, shooting
a 19-year-old in the chest,
immediately killing him
After that, the gun owner said he
planned to surrender the gun to them,
so he could enjoy a drink after all.

--

Cigarette Butts are Lethal


They say that people who legally own guns
more often injure themselves accidentally
than use their legal guns to intentionally
injure others. A good example of this
may be reflected in the news story reported
February Eleventh, where two drunk people
were goofing around, when one drunk
challenged the other to shoot them with
cigarette butts, and I quote from the article,
"to see what it would feel like." The other
drunk loaded an antique rifle with cigarette
butts, but he also placed black powder
behind the butts, you know, to make sure
they had the power to leave the gun barrel.
At seven feet, one drunk shot the other
with cigarette butts, but the nicotine filters
penetrated the rib cage of the thirty-one-year-old.
The man who made the challenge later died
of three cigarette butts to the heart.



--

Running Toward Your Demise


It was reported on March seventh
that Colorado police pulled over
Gerald, because of his erratic driving.
Gerald didn't know he was only
being pulled over for erratic driving,
and he was sure they would find out
that he stole the car he was driving.
So when the police pulled him over,
Gerald decided to flee from the
stolen car - and the police - on foot.
As the police chased Gerald, he tried
to stop them, while he was running,
by pulling out his 9mm semiautomatic
handgun, and started blindly firing
over his shoulder. We don't know if
he thought he had eyes on the back
of his head, but maybe Gerald is
someone who can't walk and chew gum
at the same time, because he couldn't
flee and fire at the same time. Gerald
didn't hit any of the police officers.
Gerald managed to shoot himself in the
head with his own gun. Four shots were
fired, although none of them were by
the officers. Police later found Gerald's
pistol on the ground next to him.
Gerald died in the local hospital the
next day, a victim of his own gunfire.

--

Choose You Fate: By Knife or by Car


An attempted knife robbery was reported
February Twelfth, but it was unsuccessful
because the three knife-wielding decided
to hold up a slaughterhouse. There were
butchers in the slaughterhouse, and they are
very used to effectively using sharp blades
on large objects. The butchers stabbed two
of the three robbers to death. The third
man escaped and left by car.

After a car chase, the third, only living,
thief pulled over and leapt from his car.
Instead of fleeing into underbrush where
he might be able to hide himself,
he ran into the highway and tried to
dodge heavy traffic. Within seconds, the
third knife-wielding slaughterhouse robber

--

Too Many Guns


a crime spree in February in Washington state
was not thought through, as the would-be robber
chose H&J Leather & Firearms as his target
for money. Beyond choosing a gun shop as his
target, he chose to strike during opening hours,
when the shop was full of firearms customers
and owners. Lastly, the robber had to step past
a marked police car parked at the front door.
Once the robber saw the officer, the announced
the hold-up and fired a few shots.

Let us remind you again that this hold-up was
taking place in a gun shop, where he walked in
and fired shots.

So after the would-be robber fired his shots,
the officer and a clerk fired back, as did
several customers with guns.

The robber was killed, but no one else was hurt.

--

Terrorism Intelligence


terrorism has been growing for years
one year before nine eleven
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet
mailed a letter bomb
but didn't use enough postage

his letter bomb came back to him
marked "return to sender"

Khay Rahnajet opened the letter bomb,
blowing himself up in the process

--

What I Would Ask



Violence, even well intentioned, always rebounds upon oneself.
- Lao Tzu


I hear radio talk show hosts
like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity
and I listen to our religious President

I hear these radio talk show hosts
praise the life of an unborn child
or try to save Teri Schiavo on life support
I know some even run charities
or help natural disaster victims

kind people, these Republicans

then I hear that Texas
our President's state
has put ten times more prisoners to death
than any other state since the seventies

I then even hear Republicans protest
the Supreme Court's decision
that minors shouldn't get a death penalty

when I heard about their love of life
then heard about their hatred of life
I wondered if I was the only one
who saw their moral confusion

so when I hear these radio talk show hosts
get on their high horses over the radio waves
downplaying anyone's arguments
and galloping away on their steed
I'd like to call in
to ask them the question:

"Excuse me, I see that you Republicans
seem to revere life so much,
from the unborn
to those on life support
who need our help
so I have to ask:
how can you support the death penalty?
why do you revere some life
then decide to exterminate
someone who committed a crime?
I've heard you talk about the evils of abortion,
but why,
when its wrong to kill a fetus,
a life yet to breathe on its own,
why it is okay to kill people
who have been breathing for years?"

but hey, mister President
when our country's now so far in debt
because of your "war"
maybe we could start to save money
by not killing prisoners?

I mean, the death penalty doesn't deter,
and it costs more taxpayer money
when every man on death row
gets appeal after appeal
while every taxpayer
pays the court costs,
the judge costs
and the government-appointed lawyer costs
Hell, with the death penalty we still pay
for their food and keep in prison for years
so if we spend more money killing people
than keeping them in prison for life
why don't we learn to be moral
and cut financial corners
to help out the economy?

but I'm sure those talk show hosts
would cut me off
discussing the heinousness of prisoners' crimes,
but I'll try to ask them
who made them the judge

I've heard death penalty supporters claim
that the bible supports the death penalty
though they don't say where
I suppose that in the Old Testament
God killed entire towns, flooded the earth
but according to their religion
God is the judge
not them

I've heard these supporters say they're religious,
Christian, like their wonderful President,
and then they say they support "an eye for an eye"
which is when I wonder why
they're referencing the Old Testament
not that there's anything wrong with the Old Testament
but they're referencing the Old Testament
not their Christian New Testament
they're not listening to Jesus' words
when he told them to
ignore what his father said
but do as he does
and love one another

Jesus said to turn the other cheek
killing someone is hardly
"turning the other cheek"

I mean, where is their Christian forgiveness
when they sentence people to death?
and wait a minute,
do these Christian people believe
Jesus would support their death sentences?

it makes me think of terrorists
who support killing people
who don't believe in their God, in their way
we find terrorist behavior abhorrent
and we sit here behind our mighty Constitution
deciding who lives and who dies

but our Christian President likes playing God
the Presidency mustn't be enough for him

I guess President Bush is now running this casino
and he just keeps saying to himself,
because he has to be right,
that the House always wins

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