The Andy Griffith Show!
Starring Andy Griffith!
With Ronnie Howard!
Also starring Don Knotts!
Hope you better hurry along to them grits, you're gonna be late for school.
I ain't hungry.
You ain't hungry?
What's the matter with you?
Feels normal.
Hope, uh, you got something you want to tell me?
No?
Well, you got something you don't want to tell me?
It's old lady Crump.
Old lady what?
Oh, that's his new teacher.
He liked the old one.
Oh.
Well, to start with, you better call her Miss Crump.
What is she not like about her?
She gives too much homework.
Is it because she gives too much or because you ain't done it?
You ask any of the fellas.
Miss Warner, she never gave us all this history junk.
History?
All those dates and stuff.
Does seem to me they're starting them awful young for history.
Well, maybe they have to.
There's more of it these days.
Guess I do, ain't it?
A lot's happened since Dewey took Manila.
Did he take it?
How's a boy going to take his learning seriously if you don't?
Hi.
Am I early?
Oh, hi, Barn.
Come on in.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Have a cup of coffee, Barney.
OK.
Thank you, Andy.
Just getting Opie straightened out a little bit on his schoolwork.
Oh, yeah?
What's the problem, Ope?
History.
Oh.
Opie, if it makes you feel any better.
I never was much at history either.
Weren't you, Andy?
No.
Oh, that's funny.
History was right up my alley.
What?
I don't remember that.
Oh, yeah.
History was one of my best subjects.
It was?
Well, yeah.
Don't you believe me?
Well, ask me something.
Go ahead.
Ask me anything.
OK.
What was the Emancipation Proclamation?
You're kidding?
Everybody knows that.
Well, good.
I'll be easy for you then.
Go ahead.
Tell us about it.
Oh, you're kidding.
That's one of the most famous proclamations there is.
I'll tell you what it is.
It's a very famous proclamation.
Well, go ahead.
Tell us about it.
Well, go ahead.
Tell us about it.
Oh, yeah.
Tell us about it.
I'll tell you what it is.
It's a very famous proclamation.
It's one of the most famous proclamations in history.
I know.
I bet you even Opie knows that one.
Go on.
Tell him, O.
Tell him about the Emancipation Proclamation.
I never heard of it.
You never...
I don't know what they're teaching them these days.
You tell him, Aunt Bea.
Me?
I wasn't there, Lansing.
Well, I guess it's up to you, Barn.
Listen to this so Opie might learn something.
Well, the Emancipation Proclamation...
How do you like that? Spot right there on the uniform.
Guess I ought to be sending this out to the cleaners.
Now you was asking about the...
Emancipation Proclamation.
Yeah.
Go ahead, I'm all ears.
Yeah, you always was.
Well, the Emancipation Proclamation...
Was a... Proclamation's what it was.
What was it about?
About emancipation! What do you think it was about?
What was it about? Use your head, man.
It's common knowledge.
There was these folks, and how else was they gonna get themselves emancipated unless there was a proclamation?
So they got themselves a proclamation and they called it the Emancipation Proclamation.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I'm surprised at you for not knowing that, Andy.
And I'll tell you something else, I'm even more surprised at you thinking I don't know about the Emancipation Proclamation.
We're still waiting for you to tell us about it.
Well, if you get so smart-alecky about it, maybe I'm not even gonna tell you.
You see, Oak, you're not the only one that has trouble with history.
History is hard for me, too.
It is for some people.
So you just do the very best you can, grow up to be a fine young fella, and I'll be satisfied.
Okay?
Okay. Thanks, Pa.
And if you don't know the answers, you just tell Miss What's-Her-Name that you come by it naturally, you hear?
I'll tell her.
Okay.
Bye, everybody.
Bye.
Bye, Oak.
Ooby! We're getting you lunch!
Oh, thanks, A.B.
Here you are.
Here you are. Happy Member is lunch. How can you remember his history?
I wouldn't worry about the Emancipation Proclamation.
Oh, I ain't worried about it.
I feel kind of sorry for Oak, Pa, and some of these teachers.
Remember the one we had, Miss Pickett?
Pickett?
Well, she must have been 107 years old.
Take that long to get that mean.
Yeah. I guess it's one and every school.
Oak's got one of them old witches, huh?
Hmm. Looks like it.
I just hope she don't break his spirits, though.
Miss Crump.
All right, class. History now.
Oh, no. Don't open your books. We'll start with a little review.
Opie Taylor? A man?
You seem very eager to talk.
We'll start with you. Tell us about the founding of Jamestown.
Rise, please, Opie.
The founding of Jamestown.
Well?
I guess I don't know about that.
You should, Opie. It was in your assigned reading.
Yeah.
Well?
Well...
Did you do your homework, Opie?
Yes, ma'am. I mean, sort of.
I mean, no, ma'am. Not all of it.
Why not?
Why not, Opie? Why didn't you do your homework?
Well, my pa said it wasn't too important, all that stuff.
Your father said...
He said he never had to learn it, so why should I?
Opie, your father told you you didn't need to do your homework. Now you're sure of that?
Well, yeah. He said it wasn't my fault. He said it's hard for everybody.
Yeah. It's hard for everybody.
Sit down, Opie. We'll get back to you later.
Howard.
Howdy, dear Dusset.
Rise, please.
We'll let you tell us about the founding of Jamestown.
I don't know.
Why not? Didn't you do your homework either?
Well, he gets away with it. Why don't I?
Yeah! He gets away with it!
Quiet, class! Quiet, boys! Nobody is getting away with anything!
All those who did not do their homework will please raise their hands.
Come on, boys.
Come on, Whitey. Put up your hand.
But I didn't.
Put it up anyway. Come on. Stick together.
Very well.
Those who did not do their work will have their assignment doubled.
Oh, no!
Quiet! Quiet, boys! Nobody is getting away with anything!
Pa! Pa!
What happened to the damn bus?
I stitched my bag. You're an iron, Pa.
Well, take it easy. Take a deep breath.
I told her what you said, Pa. I told her.
You told who what?
Old Lady Crump. Know what she did? Double homework for everybody.
Only the boys.
Only the boys. Not the girls.
But you know what? We ain't gonna do it. Right, pals?
Right. We ain't gonna do it.
And we told her so, too. I told her what you said, Pa.
What did I say?
You know, how his being important anyway.
And how you really don't have to do it.
Well, now, wait a minute. I didn't mean for you to go over there.
No, Lady Crump!
Old Lady Crump!
Damn you guys!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Sheriff Taylor.
You ain't, uh...
You ain't Miss Crump.
I see my class has come to you for further instruction.
Uh, how's that?
Sheriff Taylor, I'm surprised at you.
How can I teach a class if the parents won't cooperate?
How could I be expected to maintain discipline?
Well, uh...
Sheriff, did you or did you not tell Opie that he needn't do his history?
Well, uh... Well, no.
No, I mean, I might have thought it was a little beyond his years,
and he might have got that idea.
Now, Sheriff, isn't that for the teacher to decide?
Well, yes, ma'am. I mean, I...
When I took over this class, they were woefully behind in their studies.
I thought with a little pressure I'd be able to bring them up to where they belong.
Well, Sheriff, I was just beginning to make a little progress.
Just beginning, when you came along, and you fixed it.
Oh, well, ma'am, if I've done anything or if I've said...
Sheriff, I just want you to know that you've made my job very difficult for me.
Would you please do me just one favor?
Just stay out of my business, please!
Ooh-ee! What was that all about?
Whew!
Mmm! Mmm!
You see that foot?
How could that great big foot, all of it, fit in my mouth?
Pa, you did it!
Yeah! You really did it!
You did it all right!
Did what?
You must have really told her!
Yeah! Teach her a lesson!
She thinks she's so much more funny on her!
Because you're the Sheriff, and I guess she found out!
Yeah! You said it!
What are you talking about?
Old Lady Crump! Howie got sent to the principal's office.
And while he was sitting there, you tell him, Howie,
they were talking, a couple of those teachers, I mean,
and he said maybe she's gonna quit!
She might not even be back Monday! How about that, Pa?
Well, I guess you got rid of her all right.
We didn't, you did!
You really run her out of town, Pa!
Well, I guess they'll have to find you a new teacher, huh?
Yeah!
Hey, they might not be able to find you a new teacher.
All the trouble you give Miss Crump!
Yeah!
And if they do find one, I bet she won't give you any of that history homework!
Oh, yeah!
I'm glad for you. You know that? I'm glad for you.
That history's hard!
You're lucky, you know that?
You know what you ought to do? Go out and celebrate!
Yeah!
Yeah, listen, listen, listen, go out and play and have a good time.
You won't have to study all that stuff and mess around learning all that dull stuff
about Indians and redcoats and cannons and guns and muskets and stuff.
Yeah!
What about Indians and redcoats and cannons and muskets and guns and stuff?
Oh, you know, Indians and redcoats and, you know, history.
Yeah?
Yeah, they had the craziest gun.
What gun?
Oh, they had a gun that fired a shot that was heard clear around the world.
Darnest thing I ever heard, huh?
What gun?
What?
What kind of gun?
What kind of gun what?
You know what kind of gun.
The kind of gun that could fire a shot that could be heard clear around the world.
Tell us about that gun.
Well, uh, there was this fella.
You sure you want to hear this story's history?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, why not?
For Pete's sake, tell the story.
Well, one time a long time ago, this country was a part of England.
And we wasn't getting along with them too good.
In fact, we was thinking about breaking away and starting our own country.
But the king over there in England, he says, you do that and I'm going to send my redcoats.
They was British soldiers and he's going to send them over here to whoop us.
Oh, the nerve!
Yeah.
He says, you better think about that thing.
Well, so your great, great, great, great, great, great granddaddies all got together.
You know, to think about it.
And they argued about it back and forth a while.
And finally one of them says, let's do it.
Let's start our own country.
Somebody says, how you do that?
Says, I don't know.
Says, I reckon you just start.
Says, uh, what do we call it?
Says, let's call it, let's call it the United States of America.
That was a good name.
Yeah.
Now about that time, up in Boston, Massachusetts, there's a fella living up there named Paul Revere.
And he's a pretty good old fella, just as poor as Job's turkey, but he's a pretty good old fella.
And he owned a real good old horse named Nelly.
Now Paul, he was wandering around the streets up there one night and he come up on a friend of his.
And he says, howdy, what's new?
His friend says, what's new?
Says, the British is coming.
That's what's new.
What's the matter with thee?
And Paul says, you're kidding.
He says, it's a fact.
Says, I just heard it from an Indian.
And you know them Indians, they keep their ears to the ground.
And Paul says, do the folks know about this?
The fella says, I just heard about it myself.
And Paul says, well, what we gonna do?
And the fella says, I'm getting out of town.
And Paul says, well, we got to spread the word.
He says, you spread it.
I'm getting out of town.
Well, Paul, he didn't know what to do, but he knowed he had to do something.
Now it happened.
It happened that they had planned, if the British was ever to come over here, that they'd put a light up in this high church steeple.
And Paul went down there to look.
And sure enough, there was the light burning brighter than day.
Well, Paul, he jumped on his old horse and he lit out.
He didn't know where he was going, but he knew he had to go somewhere.
Oh, I wish you could have seen it.
That old horse with his ears laid back and his nostrils wide open, sucking in wind like a jet engine,
feet pounding on them cobblestones, striking off sparks.
Paul holding on for dear life and hollering at the top of his lungs.
He says, the British is coming.
The British is coming.
Get your gun.
We going to have us a revolution.
And them farmers come up piling out of the hay like bees out of a beehive.
Minute men, they's called.
They grabbed their squirrel guns.
What's minute men?
Minute men?
They's fellas that had to be ready at a minute's notice.
And when Paul comes screeching down the road that way, they grabbed their guns and hid out behind the weeds and walls and trees and everywhere.
And when the British come prancing along all dressed up in their red suits and waving to the girls, they let them have it.
It was a sight to see.
And then it happened.
They fired the gun.
And the shot was so loud, it was heard clear around the world.
Oh, get out.
It's a fact. That's the way this country started.
You read the book?
What book?
Yeah, what book?
Where'd you get that story, Paul?
Oh, your history book.
My history book?
Sure.
All kinds of good stories stuck in there amongst history.
Yeah? Could it be what you just told us?
Sure. Some of them even better.
No fooling, Paul?
No fooling.
You fellas look through that book, I bet you in a couple of weeks you'd be coming in here telling me stories.
That might not be a bad idea. You know that?
What?
Form a kind of a troop. A history troop. Mayberry minute men.
Yeah.
Hey, how about that?
I've got a canteen.
Will you help us?
I mean, help.
Will you, Paul?
Sure. It'd be a pleasure. As soon as you pass the fitness test, I'll deputize you.
What's the fitness test?
Oh, let's see. Oh, uh...
How about that list of dates the teacher gave you?
You mean we gotta learn all that stuff?
Well, you can't let in everybody.
He's right. We gotta keep somebody out.
Or in a club.
Yeah.
What say? Mayberry minute men always ready with the answers?
Yeah.
And any guy that don't join is ridic.
Yeah.
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
All right, class, be seated.
We'll start this morning with history.
You'll turn to page, uh...
Boys.
I'm not talking about the girls now.
Every morning when we come in this class, we say a pledge of allegiance to the flag.
I just wonder if any of you boys ever hear those words.
Or if you ever think about what they mean.
I doubt it.
Do any of you have the faintest idea how this country got started or have any interest in learning about it?
If you have, you just haven't shown it.
I don't know why you even bothered.
Opie, what is it?
I know.
You know what?
How this country got started.
Indeed.
Well, suppose you tell.
Founding of Jamestown, 1607, the first colony was founded in Jamestown, Virginia by Captain John Smith.
He was a friend of Pocahontas.
Her father was an Indian chief.
She was an Indian, too.
But she was a friend of his and she wouldn't let him.
Kill him, I mean.
He wasn't the first.
Columbus was in 1492.
It wasn't at Jamestown, it was in San Salvador.
That ain't the United States, you dope.
That's in the West Indies.
What about the Pilgrims?
They weren't the first Americans.
The Indians were.
Ain't that right, Miss Cross?
No, that's not right.
Boys.
Boys, now you've raised some very interesting questions.
Suppose we just start back at the beginning and take them one at a time.
Paul Revere wasn't even alive then, as a hundred years later.
You'll be knocking him.
Who's knocking?
You're knocking.
Boys, we'll get to Paul Revere, I promise you.
Now, if we can all just keep our shirts on.
You know, Ang.
Hmm?
I've been thinking.
What about?
Education.
Modern education.
What's wrong with it?
There's something wrong with it?
Well, there's obviously something wrong with it when you can't get a little fella to remember dates.
It should be the simplest thing in the world to remember dates.
All you need is a system.
Yeah.
Who's got the system?
If they ever introduce this system into the schools, it'll revolutionize the whole world of modern education.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Want to hear about it?
Are you kidding?
Someone could revolutionize the whole world of modern education?
I sure do, shoot.
All right.
Let's take a date in history.
Say, uh, 1776.
Now, that's a famous date.
That's right.
All right, how do you remember it?
Okay.
The first number is one.
Yeah.
Now, that's easy to remember because that's the first number in the alphabet.
Yeah.
Now, the second number is, you just remember, lucky seven.
Lucky seven.
See?
Now, you got one and seven.
Now, what's the third number?
Seven.
Now, that's easy to remember because you just remembered seven.
That's right, yeah.
Now, you got one, seven, and seven.
Two sevens, yeah.
Now, what's the last number?
All right, here's how you remember that.
What's one from seven?
Six.
1776.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, it works out.
Wouldn't it be just as easy to just go ahead and remember 1776?
Well, if you want to do things the easy way, you're never going to learn anything.
Oh, howdy.
Sheriff Taylor.
Just what are you, some kind of Spengali?
I don't believe I know what you mean.
Well, it's those boys in my class.
I've never seen such a change.
I just don't know what to expect of them anymore.
Sheriff, what did you do?
Oh, I didn't do nothing.
Well, now, you must have done something.
Oh, they come by and we had a little talk.
Oh, well, I'd love to know what it was you talked about.
Well, I'll tell you the truth.
I didn't know what to say to them.
I just kind of told them a little tale.
Just told them a little tale, huh?
Well, you know, put a little extra jam on the bread.
You must have used a very special jam.
Well, I don't know that anything I said to them would hold up in court,
but since I got them out of the spirit, I was just trying to get them back in it.
And you may give them a few pointers, you know, on how to remember dates and things like that.
This is Point 5.
How do you do, Mr. Fyfe?
Glad to be of help, ma'am.
History's kind of a hobby of mine.
I understand you're in that line yourself.
Yes, I am.
Oh, why don't you sit down?
Uh, Barney, excuse me.
Have you got them reports filled out?
What reports?
Any reports that need filling up.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't I walk you home?
There's a few things I'd like to talk over with you.
Oh.
You know about history and everything.
Miss Strump, do you know about the Emancipation Proclamation?
Well, yes, I do.
Well, Andy here was just asking me about it the other day.
Why don't you sit down and fill us in on that?
Hey, I know.
We can talk about that on the way over to your house.
Oh, I'll bring the car around.
The reports, Barney.
Now, about the man...
Well, this is it.
Thank you for walking me home, Sheriff.
I enjoyed it.
I enjoyed our little talk.
Well, I'm kind of glad I got a chance to explain things.
I reckon you do have to be careful what you say in front of young'uns.
They'll pick up on the derndest things.
They will try to turn it to their advantage.
They sure will.
I'm kind of glad about the whole thing, though.
Give us a chance to get acquainted.
Yes.
Hi.
Hey, Andy, there weren't any reports in the last...
I told you I did them all this morning.
Yeah.
I went to your school to find out where Miss Crump lived.
Thought I'd join you.
Did you tell him about the Emancipation Proclamation yet?
Well, no, I...
Good, good.
Then I'm just in time.
Go ahead and tell him about it.
We'll see if your version jives with mine.
Thank you.