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Opie!
What in the world happened? Who did that to you?
Matt Merlis. He's my best friend.
I hate to think what you do is your enemy.
You're a sight.
You better get home, let Aunt Bee clean you up and fix your britches.
She ain't home. Miss Clara's sick and she went over to help out.
Oh.
Phew!
I better do something.
Mmm.
Come on.
I suppose you tell me how you got yourself all messed up like that.
Look at that.
You gonna put that stuff on? It stings.
Mmm.
Just antiseptic salt.
There we are.
Yeah. There we are.
Stop it!
I ain't touched you yet.
What happens if you don't put it on?
Do I die?
No, but your knee might get infected and then you'd have to go to Doc Harvey's and get a shot.
I'll take the antiseptic.
Andy?
Back here, Barn.
Now, boo, you tell me what happened.
Some of us got into a rough house on the playground.
A fight?
No, it was just wrestling. Having fun.
You young'uns sure have fun the hard way, don't you? There you are.
Thanks, Pa.
No, wait a minute.
Well.
One more time.
Alright.
Now, suppose you go on home and get that wash rag you hate so much and get cleaned up.
Thank you, Pa.
Okay, go on.
Pa?
What?
You got to come to school and see my teacher.
How's that?
Miss Crump saw us all scrambling around on the playground and she said she wanted to see the mothers of all the boys it was fighting.
So, Pa, I guess you're going to have to go for me.
Alright, I'll try to get over there sometime tomorrow.
Young'uns, young'uns, young'uns, young'uns, young'uns.
What were you going to talk to me about?
Trouble between you and Thumbeloo?
What were you going to talk to me about?
You.
Me?
Well, what were you going to talk to me about?
How long do you think you can do it?
Do what?
How long do you think you can be father and mother to that boy?
Now, Andy, you owe it to Opie and just as important, if not more so, you owe it to yourself.
You ain't going to start that again, are you?
Start it for what again?
Start talking about why don't I get married, because I don't want to talk about that.
Okay.
You don't want to talk about it, we won't talk about it.
I appreciate it.
You know what they say about a man that keeps putting off getting married?
They say he starts getting irritable.
Well, that's what they say.
Especially a man that's been married once before.
He knows he's going to have to take the plunge again someday, but he keeps putting it off.
And the more he keeps putting it off, the more desperate he gets, and the more desperate he gets, the more irritable he gets, and the more...
Will you shut up?
There, you see how irritable you are? It proves my point.
It proves you're worrying me to death while I'm trying to work. That's what it proves.
It proves you're worrying me to death while I'm trying to work. That's what it proves.
You want me to tell you? I'll tell you.
I ain't found the woman I want to marry yet.
I ain't putting it off.
I miss being married.
Sometimes I get to feeling downright lonesome.
I miss going home to a wife.
But then, you see, getting married means you found the woman you want to settle down with, and I ain't found her yet.
But when I do, you'll be the first to know, okay?
Do you mean to tell me that in all of Mayberry, there ain't one woman for you?
I didn't say that. I didn't say that at all.
She might very well be here. I just ain't found her yet.
But till I do, the subject is closed, right?
Oh, closed tight, buddy.
Good.
As long as I made my point with you, the subject is closed and put away.
That's fine.
You know what my point was, is you owe it to yourself, you know.
Barney!
Oh!
All right. Let's see.
Well, I'm going now. I won't be long.
I'm just bringing Clara something over for supper.
You know that poor dear can hardly get around.
Well, what's the matter with her anyway?
Well, she spilled some bacon grease behind the stove, and she was afraid it would attract ants.
So she tried to lift the stove to clean it up, and now she's walking crooked.
Oh!
Well, you give her my best.
I will.
Opie, one story, enough to bed.
Okay. A.B.?
Hmm?
If Miss Clara gets ants, tell her not to kill them. I'll bring them home and make an ant farm.
Oh, no, you won't.
Good night.
All right. Now, Opie, what story will it be?
The Headless Horseman. That's my favorite.
Mm-hmm. Legend of Sleepy Hollow. All right. There we are.
You ought to know this in my heart by now.
It was the very witching time of night that Ichabod, heavy-hearted and crestfallen, pursued his travel homeward,
along the sides of the lofty hills which rise above Tarrytown,
and which he had traversed so cheerily in the afternoon.
I wonder who that is. Don't lose the place.
Hello, Andy.
Oh, hi, Amanda. How are you? I haven't seen you in a long time.
Oh, it has been some time.
What brings you out this way?
Oh, well, I got a message saying I was to meet Thelma Lou here. Isn't she here?
Oh, no, she's not. But if she said for you to meet her out here, I expect she'll be along. Won't you come on in?
I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Oh, no. I was just reading Opie's story.
Oh, please don't let me stop you. I'll just sit right over here. You go right ahead.
All right. You just excuse us.
It was the very witching time of night that Ichabod, heavy-hearted and crestfallen, pursued his travel homeward,
along the sides of the lofty hills which rise above Tarrytown, and which he had traversed so cheerily in the afternoon.
Oh, maybe that's Thelma Lou now.
Hi, Andy.
Oh, hi, Lavinia. This is a surprise. How have you been?
Fine. I'm supposed to meet Thelma Lou here.
Oh. Well, Amanda's here waiting for her, too. Won't you come in?
She is? Well, hi, Amanda. Hi, Lavinia.
Oh, come sit down.
Now, Andy, you just read your story, and we'll talk very quietly and try not to disturb you.
Excuse us.
Let me keep in. I haven't seen you in such a long time.
It was the very witching time of night that Ichabod, heavy-hearted and crestfallen,
pursued his travels homeward, along the sides of the lofty hills which rise above Tarrytown,
and which he had traversed so cheerily in the afternoon.
I hope that's Thelma Lou.
Hi, Rosemary. Blanche.
Hello. We're here to meet Thelma Lou.
You're here to meet Thelma Lou. Won't you come on in? There's some others waiting for her.
Well, hi, Lavinia. Hi, Amanda.
Oh, it's so good to have a seat with you.
Oh, get up.
Ladies, if you all will excuse us, I was just reading my boy a story.
You just make yourself at home.
Oh, is that right?
I may not have one.
How come Thelma Lou asked all them girls to meet her here?
I don't know.
Maybe they're painting over her house, and that makes a mess,
or so she just didn't like them over here.
It was the very witching time of night that Ichabod...
Maybe we better read this story another time. They're starting to pile up now.
I'm going up to bed, and I'll be up at five.
Okay, Pa. Night.
Night.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't mean to.
No, he's not likeable. He is not likeable.
I don't blame him.
Good evening, ladies. If you're here to meet Thelma Lou, come right on in.
Oh, my God.
Girls!
Ladies, ladies, I don't...
Ladies, ladies, I don't know why Thelma Lou's not here yet.
I'll get on the phone and call her.
Excuse me, that's the back door.
Now, here, what do you think?
What?
The girls. Any prospects? See anything you like?
You don't mean to tell me you sent them girls over here?
See, this way you get to see them all at once.
You check off what you like, and if you don't see anything you like, we send in another batch tomorrow night.
Listen to them out there.
Just think, one of them might be the next Mrs. Annie Taylor.
Right behind that door. Don't that excite you?
Get them girls out of here.
What's wrong?
Get them girls out of here.
Well, what's the matter? They don't know why they're here.
You just look them over, and you say, this one is out, this one's a maybe, this one's a...
Get them girls out of here.
Okay.
Okay?
You're right, yeah.
I see what you mean. You see too many one time, you get confused.
Get them right out.
Barney.
Why are you doing all this for me?
Why?
You crazy guy.
Even asking such a thing.
Because I'm your best friend, I want to make you happy.
Crazy guy.
All right, girls.
All right, girls.
Girls.
Girls.
Now girls, you're probably wondering why you're all asked here this evening.
We did.
Well, I asked you here on behalf of Thelma Lou, who is going to speak to you on a subject of interest to you all.
But now Thelma Lou can't make it, so the meeting has been postponed.
Now I'll let you know the time and the place of the next meeting, and in the meantime, thanks a lot for this swell turnout.
What turnout?
What did we turn out for?
I wish I knew what this was all about.
I do too.
Stupid I am.
Are you sure you don't see one of these girls you like? They're all hand-picked, you know.
Party horn.
Oh, well, it's just a big mystery, the whole thing.
Well, the search goes on.
Hi, Thelma Lou.
Hi, Lorraine.
Who's that?
Lorraine Beasley.
Lorraine Beasley?
Well, she might be a little young for Andy, but she's a possum.
You're not really serious about this, are you?
Well, of course I am.
Making up a list of girls that might be right for Andy, it's just...
It's just what?
Well, you don't find a wife that way.
That's what you do when you're trying to organize a girl's softball team.
These are only suggestions, is all.
Why not leave that for me?
Because he wouldn't do nothing about it.
Thelma Lou, Andy's a lonely man.
Hi, Annabelle.
Annabelle who?
She's married.
Wait a minute.
Well, boys are going to roughhouse.
I just don't want them to get themselves hurt.
Well, I hope he won't be giving you any more trouble for a while, anyway.
Of course.
She's the most logical candidate of all.
Opie's teacher.
What?
What are you looking at?
Maybe the future Mrs. Andy Taylor is all.
And you and I are going to help it along, sweetie.
The first thing we do is plan a little dinner.
Well, thank you, Thelma Lou.
That's nice of you.
About seven?
Fine, I'll be there.
Much obliged.
Much obliged.
That's nice of her.
Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute.
What do you know about this?
Huh?
Thelma Lou invited me to dinner.
What's the occasion?
Uh, no occasion.
She was just saying the other day how she hadn't had you to dinner in a long time.
Thelma Lou ain't ever had me to dinner.
Well, there you are.
It hasn't been a long time.
Andy!
Oh, come here.
Thelma, Andy Lou's here!
See ya.
What's the matter with you?
Oh, me? Nothing. I'm just glad to see ya.
Must be. You're still shaking my hand.
Oh, well. Come on in.
I believe you two know each other.
Good evening.
Well, this is a surprise.
Yeah, it is a surprise, isn't it?
That's what I thought you'd say, that it was a surprise.
Hi, Andy.
Oh, hi.
Thelma Lou, you know what Andy said when he saw Miss Crump sitting there?
He said it was a surprise.
Oh, really?
Yeah, he just walked in, took one look and...
How'd you say that, Andy? Say it for Thelma Lou.
I just said that it was a surprise.
That's just the way he said it.
You were surprised, weren't ya?
Yeah, but I'm not anymore.
You know, I hardly recognized you without your uniform.
Yeah, he does look different, don't he? I think he looks taller.
Don't you, Thelma Lou, don't you think Andy looks taller when he's in his uniform?
Come on, Barney.
Well, you do. You look taller.
Miss Crump, why don't you just stand up there alongside Andy and see if you don't look taller.
Barney, uh...
Go on. Go on. Just stand there alongside of him.
There, you see?
I believe you're right.
They look great together. Just great.
Well, I hope you aren't all starved. Dinner won't be for a little while yet.
Well, what's the hurry? We want to talk a little while anyway, don't we?
Why don't we just sit down?
Go on. Just have a seat.
There we go.
Dinner certainly does smell wonderful, whatever it is.
Oh, it's just leg of lamb.
Leg of lamb? Good, good.
That's my favorite dish.
Did you hear that, Miss Crump? That's Andy's favorite dish.
Son of a gun. Ever since I can remember, it's been his favorite dish.
I bet you cook a mean leg of lamb yourself, don't you?
Goodness, no. I wouldn't even know where to start.
Oh, come on.
No, really.
You mean you don't know how to cook leg of lamb? Andy's favorite dish?
No, as a matter of fact, I'm a terrible cook.
You're just saying that. You're being modest.
Barney, Miss Crump's so busy teaching all day, she don't have time to fool with cooking.
Oh, yeah, I suppose that's true.
But then someday when you settle down, I mean when you get married or something like that,
well, you'll probably start to cook and then you'll just make a terrific leg of lamb.
Andy's favorite dish.
I really doubt it.
Well, holy cats, why don't you feed your husband?
I mean, if you get married or something.
Well, I suppose he'll just have to settle for frozen dinners.
You're kidding.
What's wrong with frozen dinners, Bar? They're good. I like them.
No, you don't.
You're going to be home all day. Well, then you'll have lots of time.
Ah, but I won't be home all day. I'll still be teaching, I hope.
You mean you're not going to give up your job when you get married?
Well, I hope not. I enjoy teaching.
Women don't do that anymore, Barney. This is the 20th century.
I know what century it is.
Don't you think we'd better start getting that dinner on?
I don't think it's ready yet, Barney.
Well, let's just check on that. Excuse us.
The sooner we get this over with, the better.
Barney, why?
Because I made a mistake, that's why.
This day means for Andy, now we cross her off our list.
But why?
Because she can't cook. She can't do nothing.
Barney.
Now she's out. O-U-T, out. Now get the dinner up.
But I don't think it's ready yet.
Ready or not, let's get it over with and get on to the next one.
Okay, folks, dinner.
Andy, listen. I just want...
Wait a minute.
Thanks, buddy.
Huh?
For last night. I really enjoyed it.
Helen's one of the nicest girls I ever met.
Helen?
Miss Crump.
It's Helen?
Yeah.
After Thelma Luz, I walked her home and got better acquainted.
Nice girl.
And I owe it all to you.
Helen?
Yeah.
She's not for you, Andy.
What?
She's not for you.
Now just forget it. Forget last night.
What are you talking about?
Last night was the first of many experiments.
Now it failed, so just forget it.
Well, why should I? I like her.
No, you don't. No. Just forget it.
That's what I do.
She's pleasant. She's interested. I enjoy her company.
Andy, I forbid you to see that girl again.
Are you out of your mind?
I got a date for tonight. She's coming to dinner.
Andy!
Forget it!
Coming!
Hello, Andy.
Hi, Amanda. Don't tell me that...
Well, here we go again.
I got a call saying to meet Thelma Luz here.
She get here yet?
Uh, no.
Now, don't you let me interrupt anything.
You just go right ahead with whatever you were doing.
Well, all right.
Hi, Andy. Thelma Luz here yet?
Uh, Lavinia, I don't... I don't think that Thelma Luz actually...
I know.
Oh, my God.
I don't know why.
What's this all about?
I'm sorry, Andy, but I had to do it.
You'll thank me for it someday.
I know it was a rotten thing to do, but I had to do it.
What?
Has Miss Crump been here and took off?
No.
Oh.
Well, when she does get here and sees all them girls, she will.
She'll get the idea you got a lot of girlfriends and she'll leave.
You do have a dinner date this evening.
Yeah.
I'm gonna pick her up at her house and take her to Mount Pilot for Chinese.
You wanna come in here?
Girls, girls, girls, you wanna... Quiet down, girls.
Girls, girls, you wanna... Quiet down.
You're probably all wondering why you was asked here this evening.
We sure are.
Well, I don't have any idea.
But Deputy Pipe, who called you, might.
Tell him, Barney.
What is this, Barney?
Yes, it's the second time now.
Listen, we wanna know what's going on here.
Quiet, girls.
Girls, just a minute, girls.
Uh, have you girls ever thought of starting a softball team?
Andy?
Barney?
Uh, Andy?
Barney?
Uh, I got something I wanna say and I want you to hear me out.
I've been meddling too much in your personal affairs.
Oh, now, I...
Please, please, now, I've been meddling too much in your personal affairs and...
Well, the time's come for me to stop it.
After all, you're a grown man and...
certainly don't need the likes of me to advise you or to guide you or...
tell you who to go with or who not to go with.
It's your life and yours to do whatever you please with it.
And whoever you wanna marry, well, that's your own business.
And I just ain't gonna interfere.
And that's all I had to say.
Well, I appreciate that, Barney.
And I'm glad you feel that way.
Because I've got something I wanna tell you too.
I've decided I'm gonna court Miss Crump.
Miss Crump?
Are you kidding, Andy?
Well, she can't even cook a leg of lamb!
She said herself she's a terrible cook!