Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed.
Poor mountain deer barely kept his family fed.
Then one day he was shooting out some food,
and up through the ground come a bubbling crew.
All that is black gold, Texas cheese.
Well the first thing you know, Jed's a millionaire.
Kid and folks said, Jed, move away from there.
Said California is the place you ought to be.
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills.
Hills that is, swimming pools, movie stars, the Beverly Hillbillies.
Hey everybody, look what I got.
Uncle Jed, Granny, Ellie, we got a letter from Ma.
What's Jethro yelling about?
Sounds like he said we got a letter from Ma.
What's all the commotion?
Ellie says Jethro says Pearl sent us a letter.
A letter of what?
Did you hear what?
No, but I bet you it's kittens.
Oh kittens, Pearl's always trying to give away kittens.
Well there y'all are.
Where's the kittens, Jethro?
What kittens?
Senior Moore sent us some kittens.
Just a minute.
Nope, just a letter.
Jethro, how could you think that kittens would...
Well come on, sit down, let's hear what Pearl's got to say.
Dear son and kinfolk, I take pen in hand to say we are all fine back here.
How are you all out there?
Just fine, Pearl.
That's right.
Jethro, I hope you are making good marks in school out there.
Ma thinks I'm going to school.
Are you in the fifth grade like you would be here?
Doggy, Jethro, I clean forgot about putting you in school.
We're going to have to get you started today.
Can I go too?
Well, I think Miss Hathaway's got plans to put you in some girls' school.
Can I go too?
Jethro, I just said it was a girls' school.
That's why I want to go.
I like girls.
I don't.
Let's get this letter. After that, we'll take care of school.
Your sister, Jethrene, had a narrow escape.
A city dude tried to take advantage of her.
What does that mean, Pa?
Well, that's...
Well, Granny will explain that to you later.
Tell us more about the city dude, Jethro.
His name is Jasper Heed.
Jasper Heed?
That's a funny name.
Oh, he's a dot in there.
His name is Jasper.
He wears patent leather shoes and spats on them.
Don't sound too neat, does he?
He's seen your sister at the cabin
when I went there to keep an eye on it for Cousin Jed.
I know what Pearl went there to keep an eye on.
That Mr. Brewster.
Well, Granny, Pearl's a widow woman.
She's got a right to look.
I ain't knocking it.
I got my eyes open myself.
At first, I thought the city dude worked for Mr. Brewster,
so I drove back out to the cabin
to give him a piece of my mind.
I could put a bug in that Mr. Brewster's ear.
Look out for feathers.
Feathers?
The more Pearl has her eye on a man,
the more feathers she sticks in her hat.
That's right.
Three and eight came in flowing 2,000 barrels a day.
And it looks like the news is that
the strike's gonna be even better.
There's no doubt about it.
This is one of the richest pools we've ever hit.
Yep, everything from here is good news.
Uh...
Well, not everything.
I'll call you back.
Mrs. Bodine, this is a pleasant surprise.
Well, thank you.
Although you might not think it's so pleasant
when you hear what I have to say.
Oh?
One of them oil fellas working for you
has made advances to my daughter.
Made advances?
Well, what would you call being picked up
and carried off by brute force?
Well, I'd call that making advances.
What's his name?
Jasper DePew.
I ain't seen him myself,
but from what Jeff Green tells me,
he's a pretty slick article.
Oh, Mr. Brewster,
you don't know how hard it is
for two girls living alone
like Jeff Green and me.
You see, my son Jeff rose in California
with Cousin Jed, leaving us no man
to protect us.
I'm a widow woman, you know.
I guess, wherever you have
two unattached girls living alone,
there's bound to be trouble.
Especially when the girls are the kind
that men call lookers.
Did you say his name is DePew?
Jasper DePew.
Calls himself Jasbo.
Old Jeff Green says he's a flashy dresser
and a fancy talker and drives a sporty car.
Regular big city dude.
I guess Jeff Green's kind of like me
when it comes to tall, handsome city fellas.
I'm just potty in their hands.
Nope, no one by that name working for OK Oil.
You mind if I look?
Oh, no, go right ahead.
I'm bound and determined to find the rascal
that trifled with the affections of my sweet,
innocent, helpless big girl.
Ma!
Jeff Green, I thought I told you to stay in the buggy.
I seen Jasper DePew coming.
He?
Yes, him.
Oh, well, thank goodness we got Mr. Brewster
to protect us.
Oh, there he is.
No!
Mr. Brewster throw his arms around me
and help me in his strong embrace.
What's an embrace, Paul?
Well, that's when folks kind of twine their arms
around one another.
You mean like wrasslin'?
It's sort of like wrasslin', except they ain't men.
It's like wrasslin' for fun.
Ah, I reckon you could say that.
Well, get going.
Then we heard a knock on the door
and we knowed it was Jasper Heep.
Better look for that dot again.
Oh, yeah.
We knowed it was Jasper.
He was there to get Jethreen.
Her beauty had set his heart to burnin'
with flamin' desire.
What's flamin' desire, Paul?
Well, uh, Granny'll explain that to you later.
Well, I'll try.
You're sure countin' a heap on my memory.
Read on with your ma's letter there, Jethro.
Yeah, it's gettin' good.
One city fella's got his arms around Aunt Pearl
and another's waitin' at the door
to grab cousin Jethreen.
My only thought was to save my daughter,
so I tore loose from Mr. Brewster's embrace.
I saw Jethreen headin' for the door,
so I quick-throwed myself betwixt my child and danger.
Sweet innocent Jethreen, not knowin' better,
let that rascal in.
He went right to sweet talkin'
in a voice smoother than fresh churned butter.
Hello again, you great big beautiful love for sugar.
I brought you somethin' all the way from Eureka Spring.
Genuine orchids growed in a hot house.
And this lovely young girl must be your sister.
I'm her ma.
No.
Yeah.
Well, for Jethreen's beautiful mother,
a little gift of genuine French imported perfume
all the way from Paris, France.
Oh, well, you had an order.
Oh my goodness, genuine Paris, France perfume.
Look at that French writin' on there.
That says, Ah, Dear Moua.
That means, Oh, Love.
Ain't he a sport, Moua?
And for Jethreen's handsome father,
a genuine cigarette case.
Uber.
Thank you, but I am not Jethreen's father.
No, Mr. Brewster ain't my husband.
He's just a friend.
Well, any friend of Jethreen's beautiful mother
is a friend of mine.
This is from old Mexico and hammered out
a solid silver by the Aztecs Indians hundreds of years ago.
That brings up an interesting question.
Why would the Aztecs make cigarette cases
when they had no cigarettes?
That is an interesting question.
I'll have to ask some of my Aztecs friends about that.
Hey, doll.
Remember, Ain't She Sweet?
Well, I've read them.
Hey, what happened to your orchids?
Nothing.
I ate them already.
What do you mean you ate all the expensive orchids?
Moua, you should have spoke for one.
It wasn't very filling.
Ain't she sweet?
From head down to her feet.
And that's a long way, but I ask you very confidentially.
Ain't that baby sweet?
Mmm, ain't she large?
But she gives me such a charge.
I ask you very confidentially.
Ain't that baby large?
She stretches out in all directions.
I'm in a shout.
Lordy, that's perfection.
Are you with me?
Ain't she keen?
Well, that's the most I've ever seen.
And I'm here to tell you I'm her ding-dong daddy.
And she's my queen.
And she is king size.
My Jethreen.
Her lots of mamas.
My Jethreen.
She carries me away.
Jethreen, put him down.
So your sister Jethreen has got herself a steady fella now.
He says he is going to ask for her hand someday.
I hope he will take the rest of her too.
Ha ha.
Give my love to all and be a good boy.
I am going out now to mail this letter and get some more feathers for my hat.
Ha ha.
As ever, your loving mother.
Sure nice to hear from Ma.
My hon, it's nice hearing from you.
Jethro, you and me has got to go right out and find a school and get you to going.
Granny, you pack up a nice lunch for Jethro to total on.
How about a big mess of poke greens and chitlins with some polar and a big pot of sardine to dip it in.
Fine.
Oh, Granny, it don't have to be that fancy.
Some of the other boys here in Beverly Hills might not have it so good.
They'd go to complain it to their folks.
Let them complain.
It ain't going to hurt none to raise their standard a little.
I'll get the truck up to Jeth.
Paul, please let me go with Jethro.
I can help him fight if the big kids in the fifth grade goes to picking on me.
I know for sure that Miss Hathaway has got other plans for your schooling.
But with Jethro gone, I won't have nobody to play with.
Oh, yes, you will.
I just remembered something.
Mr. Drysdale's stepson is coming home for Thanksgiving.
And he's going to be living right next door.
And you can play with him.
Mr. Drysdale gave me some pictures of him.
These pictures are sunny.
That's what they call them, sunny.
He's been going to a lot of schools and you ought to know some real good games to play.
Ain't he something?
Yeah, but what?
Well, he's a boy.
Are you sure?
Just because he's wearing it.
Well, there's Jethro.
Now, you keep thinking about how much fun you're going to be having with him right next door.
You know, he does kind of favor that movie actor, Rudolph Valentino.
Here's Jethro's lunch.
I didn't have time to fix much, but it'll hold him until he gets home from school.
I got a little surprise in there.
I've been saving it for a special day and I reckon this is it.
What is it, Granny?
Deviled hawk eggs.
What in the doggies?
Makes me wish I was going to school.
School's all right.
Millicent, Schuyler, and Potts.
I reckon them three is the teacher.
Three teachers.
Must be awful big school.
All right.
Well, let's go in there and get you started.
Here you are.
May I help you?
Well, I reckon maybe you can.
Diana, someone has parked a most disreputable looking vehicle outside my window.
I'm happy to push these gentlemen.
Oh.
Yes, what is it you wish?
Well, I'd like to get my nephew started into school.
Here?
Well, here's all right if you got room for a desk in his lunch basket.
My dear man, this is a most exclusive private school.
The tuition is quite expensive.
Well, beyond your means, I'm sure.
Does that mean it costs a lot of money?
That is precisely what it means.
Well, I can pay you if it ain't over 25 million.
25 million?
Yes, ma'am, that's all I got.
Dollars?
Yes, ma'am.
And cash.
Yes, ma'am.
This is obviously a practical joke perpetrated by one of my envious competitors.
What is your name?
Jed Clampett, ma'am, and this year...
And you expect me to believe that you have 25 million dollars?
Well, no, not on me, ma'am, but my neighbor, Mr. Drysdale, he's keeping it in his bank for me.
Get me Melbourne Drysdale at the Commerce Bank.
You see, it just so happens that Mr. Drysdale holds the mortgage on this school, so we are very well acquainted.
Hello, I'd like to speak with Mr. Drysdale...
Now, if you wish to admit that this is a hoax and be on your way, we will forget the entire incident.
Otherwise, you may be liable to some sort of action for invasion of private property and impersonating a millionaire.
Mr. Drysdale is coming on the line now.
Thank you.
This is your last chance, Mr. Clampett.
My next call will be to the police.
Very well.
Mr. Drysdale, Millis and Skyler Potts here.
Come in, come in, come in, come in.
Thank you, ma'am.
Diana, tea for these gentlemen.
Clampett?
Oh, no ma'am, Clampett.
Oh, Diana, use the spoon, tea set.
Well, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down.
Just the two of us, Ellie May and Granny, didn't come.
Well, do make yourselves comfortable.
Mr. Drysdale's exact words to me were...
Oh, never mind his exact words.
Apparently, he values your friendship greatly and Mr. Drysdale has a very important mortgage.
And ma'am...
Now then, shall we talk about your youngster who's entering our fifth grade?
What is his name?
Jethro Bodine.
Bodine? Jethro?
No ma'am, Jethro Bodine.
Always put the last name first.
Now, male, of course.
Yes ma'am, just got a letter this morning.
Date of birth?
December the fourth.
Year?
No ma'am, back home. We only been here a few weeks.
Perhaps you should answer the questions for our vital statistics.
Now, we need to know the complete birth date, which in turn gives us the exact age.
Now, we have December fourth.
And judging from the fact that your nephew is entering the fifth grade,
I would surmise that the year is 51 or 52, am I correct?
Just really near that old...
And in the fifth grade?
Why, that's wonderful.
Perhaps we have a budding genius on our hands.
Aren't we?
How poor.
Oh Diana, I'd like you to bring me one of our boys' uniforms to show these gentlemen.
A fifth grade size.
No? No aunt second thought you'd better make it third grade.
Younger than average.
We require that all of our students wear identical uniforms.
It makes for less friction that way.
Otherwise the boys of millionaires are apt to be taunted by the really rich.
I bet your Jeffro will look right good in a uniform.
He can't wait to be a soldier.
Oh yes, many a young lad is like that.
However, our uniforms do not reflect any militaristic design.
No rather we strive for something gay, attractive and smart.
Well there you are.
Charming isn't it?
Now you take this home and have Jeffro wear it when he comes to school in the morning.
Wear this?
Great granny, you'll have to make considerable changes in this before it'll fit Jeffro.
So tiny?
Just now.
And in the fifth grade?
The boy must be a genius.
Well you may be very sure that we will bring him out.
If he wears this he'll bust out.
Now then, how do you gentlemen like your tea?
Um, we don't know ma'am.
We ain't tasted it yet.
Oh you are the fun loving one aren't you?
Yes ma'am.
Granny, here's Jeffro's school clothes.
You want me to help let him out?
Oh thank you Ellie, but let's see what has to be done.
Maybe they fit him already.
That's supposed to be a hat?
I reckon so.
What's that?
Well Jeffro said it stands for POTS.
POTS?
That's the school he's going to, POTS school.
Hell he'll be learning a good trade.
If there's something folks all as needs it's POTS.
Jeffro can make you some dandy new ones once he catches on to it.
Sam Hill is supposed to wear that.
Well Jeffro I reckon.
Jeffro couldn't have wore that at three.
Well Paul said it takes some letting out.
Letting out?
There ain't enough seams in the whole world to let that out.
How's it going granny?
Are you getting my uniform already?
Jeffro Bodine?
Know him granny.
Over to school it's Bodine Jeffro.
Ellie Mae, leave the room.
Ain't you got no shame running around here in your underpants?
Granny these ain't underpants, they swimming trunks.
You wrap that towel around you before I cut a switch.
But granny Miss Hathaway says...
I don't care who says what.
I'll be glad when your ma gets out here to take you in hand.
And to make you some school clothes.
These things ain't never gonna fit.
But granny I gotta have these in the morning.
It's a rule.
All us kids over there's gotta wear these.
And that coat too.
Yeah.
I sure wish your ma was here with her sewing machine.
Pearls are wheezing making clothes.
Now that you're gonna be keeping company with Jazzboe Depew...
You're gonna need some nice clothes.
I like the little fella ma.
I'm glad Depew.
But you gotta stop picking him up all the time.
He ain't heavy.
What makes the point?
It don't look fitting for a girl to run around carrying a fella.
Alright.
I won't pick him up anymore.
Till we get married.
Why would you pick him up then?
To carry him over the threshold.
You ain't supposed to carry him.
He's supposed to carry...
No, that's ridiculous.
I declare I don't know how I'm gonna keep you in clothes the way you're shooting up.
I start a new outfit and by the time I get it stitched together...
You've outgrown it.
My new shoes is already too tight for my feet.
Oh them feet.
If they get any bigger you're gonna have to go outside to turn around.
My feet ain't as big as Jeff Rose.
Well of course not.
He's a boy.
Just think, your brother Jeff Rose going to school in Beverly Hills, California.
Yeah.
I'm homesick for to see him, Ma.
Me too, Jeffrey.
I'll bet your rich uncle Jed has Jeff Rose dude it up like one of them actors in movie pictures.
Oh!
I can't understand these Beverly Hills schools.
Wearing that uniform ain't gonna make you no smarter.
Miss Potts said I had to wear it this morning.
She's the boss teacher.
Dang, if Jeff's away right.
Every time that music plays somebody comes to the door.
Good morning.
Surprise.
Good morning Miss Potts.
I decided to come by and drive our diminutive genius to school myself.
My what?
Your nephew, Jeff Rose.
Oh yes ma'am.
Jeff Rose.
Come on down here you gotta ride to school.
Well that's mighty nice of you ma'am.
Oh, I'm going to give the boy my personal special attention.
I feel that when one...
Well howdy there Miss Potts.
You come to take me to school?
Yeah, I bet you she is.
I want you to be a good boy, make good marks so you'll all be proud of you.
This is your nephew?
Ma'am, you met him yesterday remember?
Of course he does, he's looking mighty different in his uniform.
Granny had a time getting it to fit but she done it.
You are in the fifth grade?
Oh yes ma'am, just finished three years in the fourth.
But I can't, it's impossible.
Oh that ain't nothing, he got through the first grade in only two years.
Under no circumstances can I allow this.
Well say, here comes Mr. Drysdale.
I reckon he's coming to see Jethro off to school.
Oh, well, come along Jethro.
Jethro take off, this is the way we go to school.
This is the way we go to school.
Is Jethro's lunch?
Oh Jethro, you forgot your lunch.
Jethro, you share your grits and fat back with Ms. Potts today.
Music
Ditto Vinny that is.
Welcome back now, yeah.