This is where the Clampett's live, but there ain't no one in.
They went home for Christmas and a visit with their kin.
Here they are, arriving at the home they love the best.
Happy as a pack of squirrels returning to their nest.
The Clampett's live.
My, Thunder, granted, the old place ain't changed a bit.
Pretty as ever.
Pretty or with snow.
Excuse me, Pa, but I got some friends to say hi to.
Yes, sir, they just don't make houses like this no more.
Sure don't make them in Beverly Hills.
I'll go get the bags, Uncle Jeff.
I reckon they just can't get wood like this.
My grandpa chopped down the trees and built this all by hand.
You say your grandfather built this cabin?
He sure did.
Oh, he must have been a remarkable man.
He sure was.
He finished the cabin in the morning, went to town, found a girl, courted her, married her, and carried her across that doorstep all before sundown.
Tell me, Granny, was that 18 and 97 or 18 and 98?
18 and 98.
Yeah, that's right. She was 18 and Grandpa was 98.
You say he was 98 and his bride was 18?
That's right.
Marriage didn't work out too good.
I doubt it.
Yeah, Grandpa made the mistake of having his ma come live with him.
Awful bossy old woman.
Wouldn't let that little bride do nothing.
Get everything herself.
Your family has remarkable longevity.
No.
Yeah, they stretch the truth a little too.
Oh?
Grandpa was a day over 90 when he married that girl.
His ma didn't bust up the marriage.
That poor little bride just wore out, having so many young'uns to take care of.
Oh, what happened to Ellie Mays?
She just went to say hi to some of her friends.
Maggie?
Maggie, it's me, Ellie Mays.
I've come back to visit you.
Oh.
Not you, Henry.
Oh.
Right now I'm looking for Maggie.
You seen her?
You're supposed to be so doggone wise.
Where is she?
Oh.
Well, David Crockett.
Say, you're looking bushy as ever.
What's the matter?
What you scared of?
Don't you remember me?
Please, David, don't run away.
Oh, hi, Mr. Beaver.
It's me, Ellie.
What you kicking snow at me for?
Please, Mr. Beaver.
Come back.
Hi, Mr. Foxy.
It's me, Ellie.
Come back.
Mr. Crockett, I certainly appreciate you letting me use your cabin as a field headquarters.
I've got a few things in the bedroom.
I'll get them out.
I don't need for you to do that, Mr. Brewster.
We're just going to be friends.
Mr. Brewster, we're just going to be here a couple of days.
Granny and Ellie, can you use your bedroom and you and me can kind of curl up here in front of the fire.
That's my kind of you, Mr. Clampett.
But I'll find a place to stay in town.
I don't need for you to drive all that way through the snow.
You're here.
You're by the oil field.
And Granny cooks up a big meal that really sticks to your ribs.
What you cooking tomorrow, Granny?
My special Christmas holiday vittles.
It was red cabbage and green turnip tops swimming with sardine.
Then what I call my heavenly hash.
That's grits and chitlins, possum belly, hog jowls, and cabbage.
All minced together and simmered in gopher gravy.
Post hawk.
Mmm.
Now there's vittles you won't forget in a hurry.
I'll try.
If you roar too hard, we'll get some pine boughs and ashes for you to sleep on.
Oh, I, uh, I think I'll go into town.
Thank you very much.
What's the matter with you two asking him to stay here?
You want me to be a widow all my life?
I was going to offer him my spare room.
You ain't got no spare room, Beryl.
I have if Jeff goes stays here.
Mr. Bruce just stays with you and Jeffrey and won't people talk.
I hope so.
Jeff can insist on you marrying me.
I'm going to get him now if I can't.
What do you hold with making a man get married unless he wants to?
He wants to.
Why, that man's so in love with me he can't eat.
Yeah, but are you in love with him, per?
Oh, Jeff.
When I'm near him, I feel like my feet is dangling in a prick.
And the minnow's is biting at my toes.
That's what you call really being in love.
Help her, Jed.
Mrs. Bodine, if you'd like a ride into town, I can drop you off on my way to the hotel.
Hotel?
But you can't stay there.
Oh, no, sir, read.
You sure can't.
Why not?
Why not, Jed?
Why not, per?
Why not?
There's a convention there.
Yeah.
Every room in that hotel is full up.
They're packed in there like croutons in a jar.
What kind of convention?
A convention that that hotel is bulging with air.
Oh, well, perhaps I can find a room in the boarding house.
Do you know anybody got a spare room, Griny?
No, I don't.
Do you, Jed?
Man, I see now.
The only spare room I know around here is over to your house, per.
Well, land to mercy, I'll plump for God's sake.
My spare room.
What spare room, ma?
We ain't got it.
Ow!
Why don't you run out and fetch some wood?
I just brought some wood in.
What spare room, ma?
We ain't got no spare room.
Ow!
You'd best run along outside and get the kinks out of that leg.
I ain't got no kinks in my leg.
It's just that ma just keeps it.
Ow!
Son, if you're gonna play hopscotch, you go outside.
House ain't for playing games.
But I ain't playing games.
And don't chop me some wood.
I just chopped some wood.
I got some green wood.
You went to smoke a possum.
Now, I just chopped some wood and I put it right there.
I just put it right over there in the corner.
Now, you come to my house, Mr. Brewster.
The spare room is yours.
Well, all right.
If it's not...
Why should I sleep here on the floor?
I got a room...
Ow!
He's giving the seizures in the leg, ain't he, granny?
I'll have him rub it with some hot possum grease tonight.
Well, if you go in...
Uh, hey, Pearl, would you do me a big favor?
Well, of course, Danny Mae.
What is it?
Would you take this here fur coat?
Your mink?
For... for Keith?
I sure would appreciate it.
It makes my friends in the woods kind of skittish.
They must reckon I'll be wearing them next.
Well, I don't rightly know if I...
Go ahead and take it, Pearl.
That is, if you don't mind, it's been war once or twice before.
Oh, not at all.
I'll tell you what.
I'll put it in one of my whole chest,
and I'll laugh, wear it on my honeymoon.
Hey, Mr. Clampett, isn't that an awful big tree that Jeff's got chomping down?
Hey, he's notching it on the wrong side, too.
Hey, Jeff, yo, quit notching that tree on this side.
It's a lot of the fall right down on the...
Hey, look out, everybody.
It missed us.
Easy, look.
Well, the tree missed.
We can get up now.
Well, he might be chomping another one.
Let's wait and see.
Maggie?
Hey, Ellie.
Freddy, you all rascal.
I know you've seen Maggie.
You'll go and get her for me.
I'll give you something shiny.
What would you like?
How about this?
Okay?
There.
Go find Maggie.
Smelly.
What's up, Smelly?
It's me, Ellie.
Good thing you didn't see me in that neat coat.
You might have got riled at me.
That's one friend I don't want riled at.
It's you.
Maggie, I knew Freddy would find you.
Maggie, I'm so happy to see you.
I told you I'd come and visit you.
Here I am.
Ellie?
Ellie Mae, where are you?
Over here, Pa.
Don't you be scared, Pa.
He won't hurt you, Maggie.
Oh, now, who is this?
This is my old friend Maggie.
You remember her?
Sure I do. Howdy, Maggie.
Say, Ellie, we's all going over to Aunt Pearl's for supper.
And after supper, we's all going over to that movie picture theater where Pearl works.
Well, how do you plan to stay here?
Well, Pearl says there's going to be a brand new picture from Hollywood called, uh,
Ben Hur.
Who's in it?
According to Pearl, it's got the two biggest actors there is, Frances X. Bushman and Raymond Navarro.
I still rather stay here, Pa.
We's all supposed to kind of surround Mr. Brewster and brag on Pearl's piano playing during the picture.
Well, Jethro can brag extra for me.
Jethro ain't going to be there.
He just sat there all night and complained about Mr. Brewster having his room.
Oh, come on, Ellie.
Don't you want to have Pearl get a husband?
Okay, Pa.
Bye, Maggie.
Pa, ain't you going to kiss Maggie goodbye?
I don't reckon so. Her husband might not like it.
Come on, Ellie.
Well, tell me.
Jethroene, here's a picture of your mom.
Yeah, it says, in person, Pearl Bodine, wizard of the keyboard.
That means Palli.
Your name is as big as Ben Hur's.
I beg the manager not to put that up, but he says it's a drawing card,
Mom, playing during the picture.
During the picture? Don't you have sound?
No, chubby.
Between the people crunching popcorn and crying and reading the titles out loud,
you've got plenty of sound.
Now, everybody go on in and sit down.
You're all on complimentary passes.
Now, I've got to pop some corn and sell tickets before I come in and play the overture.
Mr. Brewster, did you ever in all your boring days see the woman who could do more things than my cousin Pearl?
She can cook, sew, keep house, play pani, and no wonder the men around here are just beating your door down
with their clothes, but Pearl's choicey.
She's waiting for the right man.
Here comes Aunt Pearl.
Ladies and gentlemen, before our big premiere gets underway,
I know you'll want to meet the celebrities in our audience tonight.
Now, a setting right here in the front row from Tulsa, Oklahoma,
is the field manager of the OK Oil Company,
fought for cousin Jed Twelfth, Mr. John Brewster.
Who's that tomato?
Tom.
Homer Winch, get up there and clean off that screen right now.
Ain't you ashamed?
Yeah, Pearl, but I couldn't help myself.
I'm just eating up with jealousy.
I'm staying red.
Well, I see it too, so clean off the movie screen.
Then, Pearl, look like he's bleeding before the chariot race ever starts.
I'm saving when you're mad, Pearl.
There you are, cool.
And now, folks, you're going to meet a real live millionaire
and his family all the way from Beverly Hills, California,
your friends and my kinfolk, the Clampits, Jed, Granny, and Eme.
Folks, it might be nice to be back here with you again.
Are you all invited to come visit us in Beverly Hills?
Got plenty of room and Granny will whomp up
and mess a heavenly hash for you.
Jed, can I show them my meat coat?
Sure, Granny.
This here is a genuine meat coat.
It's a gift to me by the banker.
Nobody gets a wrong idea.
There ain't no strings attached.
I'm still the same sweet girl I was when I left here.
And now, folks, I've got a real big surprise for you.
As you know, those that can read, the picture for tonight is Ben Hur,
and I have wrote and composed a special song in honor of the chariot race,
which is the most exciting part of the picture.
And this here special song is going to be sung by my daughter, Jess Reeve.
Think about it, Jess Reeve.
The song will be sung in its entirety during the chariot race,
and you can all join in the chorus.
But seeing that Homer wench ain't got the tomato off the screen yet,
Jess Reeve will give you a little sample right now.
A mighty long time ago, couple of thousand years,
in a town named Maroon, went your fur away from here.
A feller named Ben Hur lived and went to school,
and that young feller was a chariot-driving fool.
Driving horses, Ben, Ben, driving horses, Ben,
driving horses fast, Ben, driving fur to win.
Don't let that other rascal get ahead of you,
or he'll win the race and that'll never do.
That's enough for now, Jess Reeve.
You'll hear the song again during the chariot race,
and everybody can join in the chorus.
And now, during the playing of the overture,
we invite your kind attention to the advertisements
which will appear on the screen.
I thank you.
All right, Charlie!
applause
Don't let that other rascal get ahead of you,
or he'll win the race and that'll never do.
applause
Well, Mr. Brewster.
Where's Mr. Brewster?
Going to the final.
I never saw him leave.
Make sure you're right, Pearl.
That's what you get for throwing yourself at a city dude.
Hush up!
Well, them fellas ain't nothing but a bunch of playboys,
just like bees flitting from flower to flower, grabbing up to honey.
And then when your petals is drooping, they fly away.
Everybody can hear you.
I ain't ashamed of what I got to say.
I love Pearl Bodine!
Stop, Homer!
Now quiet down, Homer.
You're making Pearl blush.
Be my blushing bride, Pearl,
right here before your kinfolk, your neighbors,
and then her, and then Peter Marion.
Get up off your knees.
You're making a spectacle of yourself.
I caught him, Ma.
He's been out in the door, and I caught him.
I was not sneaking.
I took people outside for a breath of fresh air.
Put him down.
You, uh, wasn't running away, was you, Mr. Brewster?
No, of course not.
Everybody's invited over to my house for apple cider.
Come on, now.
Dad, wake up.
Dad, you too gentle.
Come on now, get out from underfoot.
Both of you.
Hey, we was up late last night.
Yeah, Granny, we want to sleep.
It ain't what you want that makes you fat.
It's what you get.
You can up off that rope.
Hey, I want to do that first.
Yeah, that's cold.
Now when I say get, you get.
Floor is cold and hard.
Ah, you're getting soft from city life.
Now get dressed, and get washed, and get packed.
Packed.
You heard what I said.
I ain't going to spend another night in this place.
Not with that wild daughter of yours.
I didn't sleep a wink.
It appears to me like you're getting a might soft from city living too.
Time was when you never minded sharing a bed with Ellie Mead.
I still don't mind sharing a bed with Ellie Mead.
But I draw the line when it comes to sharing with them others.
What others?
Well, there was an owl, and a squirrel, a crow, and a fox, a possum, and a skunk, and a porcupine.
May I go in and speak, Ellie Mead?
I wouldn't go in there if I were you unless you want them flannels took right off you.
What are you talking about?
You know where my mink coat is right now?
Where?
In the top of a tree, full of baby eagles.
Their mama and me bought for dye on the ten minutes for that coat, but with them claws on her, she could get a better purchase on it.
Took it right out the window.
You've been at your room at this medicine.
I ain't about to swallow no story about an eagle's head.
Granny, a great big old eagle just snatched the hat right off my head.
You know what I told you?
When a mama eagle wants to keep her babies warm, she'll grab anything.
Somebody better help Ellie Mead hang on to her blankets, because that rascal just flew in her window.
Freida, you hadn't ought to have Jethro's hat.
Does Hermione about Jethro's hat ask her to bring back Granny's mink coat?
Only if she wants to, of course.
Freida, you bring back Granny's mink coat.
And if she's took any suitcases, see if you can get them back too. We's packing up.
Dad! Oh, excuse me.
Good morning, Pearl.
Homer Winch, I told you and I told you, don't come into my house without an invite.
I happen to be here in my official capacity as a jitney driver.
You are no jitney.
Well, Mr. Brewster does.
Don't say nothing to Mr. Brewster, and I'll bake you two pies.
Pearl, there's only one way you can seal my lips and stop my jitney, and that's with a smack.
You all right?
Sure!
I mean, with a kiss.
A kiss?
That's my price. Take it or leave it.
Homer, why, that's the most shocking, disgusting, insulting, discreet...
Oh, Mr. Brewster.
Pearl, where'd you go, Pearl?
Ma's coming, and boy, is she a drive.
She must have heard we're leaving.
Without getting her married to Mr. Brewster.
I reckon we've been for considerable balling.
Ain't nobody can outcry Ma when she commences to gushing.
Pearl, I reckon you're in a hurry. We're going back to Beverly Hills.
Oh, now, Pearl, you're balling already.
Don't worry, Pearl, you'll get a feller.
Yeah, come on back to Beverly Hills with us.
I can't.
All right, Pearl, all right. I can't fight a woman's tears.
We'll stay here until you marry Mr. Brewster.
Yeah, Ma, and I'll be your best man.
And you can wear that beautiful meat coat on your honeymoon.
Pearl, what are you crying about now?
The meat coat.
What about it?
I was driving down the road and a great big eagle took it right out of my lap.
Don't you worry.
Ellie Mae!
Yeah, Pop?
You shimmy up that tree and tell that grabby eagle to give you back that meat coat for Pearl's honeymoon
or she ain't no friend of yours.
Ah!
Only if she wants to, of course.
Oh, subtle, but the only thing to learn is the power of love.