This is where the Clampett's live, but there ain't no one in.
Cause they went home for Christmas and a visit with their kin.
And here they are, arrivin' at the home they love the best.
Happy as a pack of squirrels returnin' to their nest.
Hi, Thunder, granted your old place ain't changed a bit. Pretty as ever.
Prettier with the snow. Excuse me, Pa, but I got some friends to say hi to.
Yes, sir, they just don't make houses like this no more.
Sure don't make them in Beverly Hills.
I'll go get the bags, Uncle Jeff.
Reckon they just can't get wood like this.
My grandpa chopped down the trees and built this all by hand.
You say your grandfather built this cabin?
He sure did.
Oh, he must have been a remarkable man. He sure was.
He finished the cabin in the mornin', went to town, found a girl, courted her, married her, and carried her across that doorstep all before sundown.
Tell me, Granny, was that 18 and 97 or 18 and 98?
Eighteen and 98.
Yeah, that's right. She was 18 and Grandpa was 98.
You say he was 98 and his bride was 18?
That's right. Marriage didn't work out too good, so I don't doubt it.
Yeah, Grandpa made the mistake of havin' his ma come live with him.
Awful boss of your woman. Wouldn't let that little bride do nothin'.
Did everything herself.
Your family has remarkable longevity.
Yeah, they stretched the truth a little too.
Oh?
Grandpa was a day over 90 when he married that girl.
And his ma didn't bust up the marriage.
That poor little bride just wore out, havin' so many young'uns to take care of.
Oh, uh, what, uh, what happened to Ellie Mae?
Well, she just went to say hi to some of her friends.
Oh.
Maggie? Maggie, it's me, Ellie Mae. I come back to visit you.
Oh.
Not you, Henry.
Oh.
Right now I'm lookin' for Maggie. You seen her?
You're supposed to be so doggone wise. Where is she?
Oh.
Well, Davy Crockett. Say, you're lookin' bushy as ever.
What's the matter? What you scared of? Don't you remember me?
Please, Davy, don't run away.
Oh, hi there, Mr. Beaver.
It's me, Ellie.
What you kickin' snow at me for?
Please, Mr. Beaver, come back.
Hi, Mr. Foxy. It's me, Ellie. Come back.
Mr. Clampett, I certainly appreciate your letting me use your cabin as a field headquarters.
I've got a few things in the bedroom. I'll get them out.
No need for you to do that, Mr. Brewster. We just gonna be here a couple of days.
Granny and Ellie can use the bedroom and you and me can kinda curl up here in front of the fire.
That's my kind of you, Mr. Clampett. But I'll find a place to stay in town.
No need for you to drive all that way through the snow.
You're here, you're by the oil field, and Granny cooks up a big meal that really sticks to your ribs.
What you cookin' tomorrow, Granny?
My special Christmas holiday vittles.
We'll start with red cabbage and green turnip tops, swimmin' with sardines.
Then what I call my heavenly hash. That's grits and chitlins, possum belly, hog jowls, and catfish.
All minced together and simmered in gopher gravy.
Post-talking.
Now there's vittles you won't forget in a hurry.
I'll try.
Nice, Mr. Brewster. Roars too hard, we'll get some pine boughs and ashes for you to sleep on.
Oh, I, uh, I think I'll go into town. Thank you very much.
What's the matter with you two asking him to stay here?
You want me to be a widow all my life? I was gonna offer him my spare room.
You ain't got no spare room, Pearl.
I have if Jeffro stays here.
Mr. Brewster stays with you and Jethreen. Won't people talk?
I hope so.
That J can insist on him marrying me.
I'm gonna get him, now's my chance.
What's that got to do with making a man get married unless he wants to?
He wants to?
Why, that man's so in love with me he can't eat.
Yeah, but are you in love with him, Pearl?
Oh, Jed.
When I'm near him, I feel like my feet is dangling in a crick.
And the minnows is biting at my toes.
That's what you call really being in love.
Help her, Jed.
Miss Bodine, if you'd like a ride into town, I can drop you off on my way to the hotel.
Hotel? But you can't stay there.
Oh, no, sir, we...
You sure can't.
Why not?
Why not, Jed?
Why not, Pearl?
Why not?
There's a convention there.
Yeah.
Every room in that hotel is full up.
They're packed in there like croutons in a jar.
What kind of convention?
Elks convention. That hotel is bulging with Elks.
Oh, well, perhaps I can find a room in the boarding house.
You know anybody got a spare room, Granny?
No, I don't.
You, Jed?
Man, I see now.
The only spare room I know around here is over to your house, Pearl.
Land to mercy, I plump for God, yeah.
My spare room.
What spare room, Ma?
We ain't got it.
Ow!
Why don't you run out and fetch some wood?
I just brought some wood in.
What spare room, Ma? We ain't got no spare...
Ow!
You'd best run along outside and get the kinks out of that leg.
I ain't got no kinks in my leg.
It's just that Ma just keeps...
Ow!
Son, if you're gonna play hopscotch, you go outside.
House ain't for playing games.
But I ain't playing games.
Then go chop me some wood.
I just chopped some wood.
Chop her some green wood.
She wants to smoke a possum now.
I just chopped some wood and I put it right there.
I just put it right there in the corner.
Now you come to my house, Mr. Brewster.
The spare room is yours.
Well, all right. If it's not...
Why should I sleep here on the floor?
I got a room...
Ow!
He's giving diseases in the leg, ain't he, Granny?
I'll have him rub it with some hot possum grease tonight.
Well, let's get going.
Uh, Aunt Pearl, would you do me a big favor?
Well, of course, Danny Mae. What is it?
Would you take this here fur coat?
Your mink?
For keeps?
I sure would appreciate it.
It makes my friends in the woods kind of skittish.
They must reckon I'll be wearing them next.
Well, I don't rightly know if I should...
Go ahead and take it, Pearl.
That is, if you don't mind, it's been war once or twice before.
Oh, not again.
I'll tell you what.
I'll put it in one of my hope chests,
and I'll wear it on my honeymoon.
Say, Mr. Clampett, isn't that an awful big tree
that Jethro's chopping down?
Yeah, he's notching it on the wrong side, too.
Hey, Jethro, quit notching that tree on this side.
It's a lot of the fall right down on the...
Hey, look out!
Whoa!
It missed us.
He's a lord.
Well, the tree missed.
We can get up now.
Well, he might be chopping another one.
Let's wait and see.
Maggie?
It's me, Ellie.
Maggie? It's me, Ellie.
Freddy!
You all rascal.
I know you've seen Maggie.
You'll go and get her for me.
I'll give you something shiny.
What would you like?
How about this?
Okay?
There.
Go find Maggie.
Smelly.
Hi there, Smelly.
It's me, Ellie.
Good thing you didn't see me in that neat coat.
You might have got riled at me.
It's one friend I don't want riled.
It's you.
Maggie!
I knew Freddy would find you.
Maggie, I'm so happy to see you.
I told you I'd come and visit you.
And here I am.
Ellie?
Ellie Mae, where are you?
Over here, Pa.
Don't you be scared of Pa.
He won't hurt you none.
Oh, now, who's this?
This here's my old friend Maggie.
You remember her.
Sure I do. Howdy, Maggie.
Say, Ellie, we's all going over to Aunt Pearl's for supper.
And after supper, we's all going over to that movie picture theater where Pearl works.
Well, I'd hate for her to stay here.
Well, Pearl says there's going to be a brand new picture from Hollywood called, uh, Ben Hur.
Well, who's in it?
According to Pearl, it's got the two biggest actors there is, Francis X. Bushman and Raymond Navarro.
I'd still rather stay here, Pearl.
We's all supposed to kind of surround Mr. Brewster and brag on Pearl's piano playing during the picture.
Well, Jethro can brag extra for me.
Jethro ain't going to be there.
He just sat there all night and complained about Mr. Brewster having his room.
Oh, come on, Ellie. Don't you want to help Pearl get a husband?
Okay, Pa.
Bye, Maggie.
Well, Pa, ain't you going to kiss Maggie goodbye?
I don't reckon so. Her husband might not like it.
Come on, Ellie.
Come on, everybody!
Well, doggies.
Jethro, here's a picture of your mom.
Oh, yeah. It says, in person, Pearl Bodine, wizard of the keyboard.
Oh, that means Pianist.
Hey, your name is as big as Ben Hur's.
I beg the manager not to put that up, but he says it's a drawing card,
my playing during the picture.
During the picture? Don't you have sound?
Loads of it.
Between the people crunching popcorn and crying and reading the titles out loud,
you've got plenty of sound.
Now, everybody go on in and sit down.
You're all on complimentary passes.
Now, I've got to pop some corn and sell tickets
before I come in and play the overture.
Mr. Brewster, did you ever in all your boring days see the woman
who could do more things than my cousin Pearl?
She can cook, sew, keep house, play Piany,
and no wonder the men around here are just beating your door down to propose.
But Pearl's choicey. She's waiting for the right man.
Here comes Aunt Pearl.
Ladies and gentlemen, before our big premiere gets underway,
I know you'll want to meet the celebrities in our audience tonight.
Now, a setting right here in the front row from Tulsa, Oklahoma,
is the field manager of the OK Oil Company,
but because of Ted Swamp, Mr. John Brewster.
Who's that tomato? Tom.
Homer Winch, get out there and you clean off that screen right now.
Ain't you ashamed?
Yeah, Pearl, but I couldn't help myself.
I'm just eat up with jealousy. I'm staying red.
Well, I see it too, so clean off the movie screen.
Then, Pearl, look like he's bleeding before the chariot race ever starts.
I'm frightened when you're mad, Pearl.
Get out there, you're coot.
And now, folks, you're going to meet a real live millionaire and his family
all the way from Beverly Hills, California,
your friends and my kinfolk the Clampits,
Jed, Granny, Ellie Mae.
Hello, everybody.
I'm here to tell you that I'm going to be a millionaire.
Come on, get in here.
Folks, might be nice to be back here with you again,
and you're all invited to come visit us in Beverly Hills.
We've got plenty of room, and Granny will whomp up
and miss a heavenly hash for you.
Jed, can I show him my meat coat?
Sure, Granny.
This here is a genuine meat coat.
Gifted to me by the banker.
Nobody gets the wrong idea.
There ain't no strings attached.
I'm still the same sweet girl I was when I left here.
And now, folks, I've got a real big surprise for you.
As you know, those that can read,
the picture for tonight is Ben Hur,
and I have wrote and composed a special song
in honor of the chariot race,
which is the most exciting part of the picture.
And this here special song is going to be sung
by my daughter, Jess Rees.
Say goodbye, Jess Rees.
The song will be sung in its entirety
during the chariot race,
and you can all join in the chorus.
But seeing that Homer Wynch
ain't got the tomato off the screen yet,
Jess Rees will give you a little sample right now.
And now, folks, I've got a real big surprise for you.
As you know, those that can read,
the picture for tonight is going to be sung
by my daughter, Jessica Rees.
And this here special song is going to be sung
in honor of the chariot race,
which is the most exciting part of the picture.
And now, folks, I've got a real big surprise for you.
As you know, those that can read,
the picture for tonight is going to be sung
by my daughter, Jessica Rees.
The feller was a chariot driving through
Drive them horses, Ben, Ben
Drive them horses, Ben
Drive them horses fast, Ben
Drive them fur to win
Don't let that other rascal get ahead of you
Or he'll win the race and that'll never do
That's enough for now, Jeffrey
You'll hear the song again during the chariot race
And everybody can join in the chorus
And now, during the playing of the overture
We invite your kind attention to the advertisements
Which will appear on the screen
I thank you
Alright, Charlie!
Oh, let that other rascal win
Don't let that other rascal get ahead of you
Or he'll win the race and that'll never do
Well, Mr. Brewster, what do you think?
Where's Mr. Brewster?
He's going to the final
I never felt him leave
That serves you right, Pearl
That's what you get for throwing yourself at a city dude
Hush up!
Well, them fellas ain't nothing but a bunch of playboys
Just like bees flitting from flower to flower grabbing up to honey
And then when your petals is drooping they fly away
Everybody can hear you
I ain't ashamed of what I got to say
I love Pearl Bodine!
Hush up, Homer!
Now quieten down, Homer, you're making Pearl blush
Be my blushin' bride, Pearl
I'll be here before your kinfolk, your neighbors, and Ben Hur
I'm asking you to marry me
Get up off your knees, you're making a spectacle of yourself
I caught him, Ma
I caught him sneaking out the door
I was not sneaking
I simply went outside for a breath of fresh air
Put him down
You, uh, wasn't running away, was you, Mr. Brewster?
No, of course not
Everybody's invited over to my house for apple cider
Ha ha ha ha!
Grrr!
Dad, wake up!
Dad, you too, Jethro, come on now
Get out from under foot, both of you
Granny, we was up late last night
Yeah, Granny, we were asleep
It ain't what you want that makes you fat as what you get
Get up off that floor
Hey!
What do you want to do that for?
Yeah, that's cold!
Well, when I say get, you get
Floor is cold and hard
Ah, you're gettin' soft from city life
Now get dressed and get washed and get packed
Packed!
You heard what I said
I ain't gonna spend another night in this place
Not with that wild daughter of yours
I didn't sleep a wink
It appears to me like you're gettin' a mite soft from city livin' too
Time was when you never minded sharing a bed with Ellie Mae
I still don't mind sharing a bed with Ellie Mae
But I draw the line when it comes to sharing with them others
What others?
Well, there was an owl and a squirrel, a crow and a fox, a possum and a skunk and a porcupine
May I go in and speak to Ellie Mae?
I wouldn't go in there if I were you unless you want them flannels took right off you
What are you talkin' about?
You know where my mink coat is right now?
Where?
In the top of a tree, full of baby eagles
Their mama and me fought for nigh on to ten minutes for that coat
But with them claws on her, she could get a better purchase on it
Took us right out the window
You bein' at your room at this medicine
I ain't about to swallow an old story about a eagle
Granny, a great big ol' eagle just snatched the hat right off my head
You know what I told you?
When a mama eagle wants to keep her babies warm, she'll grab anything
Somebody better help Ellie Mae hang on to her blankets
Cause that rascal just flew in her window
Frida, you hadn't ought to have Jethro's hat
Nevermind about Jethro's hat
Ask her to bring back Granny's mink coat
Only if she wants to, of course
Frida, you bring back Granny's mink coat
And if she's took any suitcases, see if you can get them back too
We's packin' up
Sit down
Oh, excuse me
I'm sorry
Oh, excuse me
Good morning, Pearl
Homer Winch, I told you and I told you
Don't come into my house without I invite you
I happen to be here in my official capacity as a jitney driver
You are no jitney
Well, Mr. Brewster does
Don't say nothin' to Mr. Brewster
And I'll bake you two pies
Pearl, there's only one way you can seal my lips and stop my jitney
And that's with a smack
You all right?
Sure, you want to say that kind of kiss
I mean, with a kiss
A kiss?
That's my price, take it or leave it
Homer, why that's the most shocking, disgusting, insulting
Disgracing
Oh, Mr. Brewster
Pearl, that's enough
Pearl?
Where'd you go, Pearl?
Ma's comin' in, boy, is she a driver
She must have heard we was leavin'
Without gettin' her married to Mr. Brewster
I reckon we's in for considerable ballin'
Ain't nobody can outcry Ma when she commences to gushing
Pearl?
I reckon you's heard, we's goin' back to Beverly Hills
Oh, now, Pearl, you's ballin' already
Don't worry, Pearl, you'll get a feller
Come on back to Beverly Hills with us
I can't
All right, Pearl, all right, I can't fight a woman's tears
We'll stay here until you marry Mr. Brewster
Yeah, Ma, and I'll be your best man
And you can wear that beautiful meek coat on your honeymoon
Pearl, what are you cryin' about now?
The meek coat
What about it?
I was drivin' down the road and a great big eagle took it right out of my lap
Don't you worry
Elly May!
Yeah, Pop?
You shinny up that tree and tell that grabby eagle
to give you back that meek coat for Pearl's honeymoon
or she ain't no friend of yours
Only if she wants to, of course