The Colgate Comedy Hour!
Starring Dee Martin and Jerry Lewis!
Presented by the Colgate Palmolive Heat Company, makers of...
Halo Shampoo to glorify your hair!
And Ajax, the foaming action cleanser!
And now, the Dee Martin and Jerry Lewis Company, with Helen O'Connell, Posse and Niles, and Lad Lyons!
Musical direction by Dick Staveel, written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear,
choreography by Posse and Niles, and settings by Theodore Cooper!
NBC production supervisor Sam Fuller, television director Cinkman Seymour,
produced and directed by Ernest D. Glutzman!
["The Colgate Comedy Hour!" music plays as the audience is shown off stage.]
Hi Ernest! Morning, please!
Fellow members of the Cure the Common Cold Committee,
it is with great pleasure that I welcome you here tonight.
As you know, our organization has been active for the past years,
with but one purpose in mind, to find a cure for that scourge of mankind, the common cold.
Friends, this is our success meeting.
The cure for the common cold has been found!
The cure was discovered by two young men from the University of Vienna,
and they are here with us tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, the men who have completely outwitted medical science
in the discovery of the cure for the common cold,
Professors Martin and Lewis!
["The Colgate Comedy Hour!" music plays as the audience is shown off stage.]
Ladies and gentlemen, I know you're all anxious to meet these boys,
these two young gentlemen, and here they are!
You know, it didn't look for a while like they were going to get here.
We were very nervous about the whole thing.
I'm glad to see that they finally arrived!
You know, their being here reminds me of a story.
I was in Vienna myself for about 20 years,
and I was with another group of doctors at the time, you see.
And funny things happened to me!
We'll have no more noise here!
Think of what, Fritz?
Here, look at this way.
When the cold strikes a human being,
it's enough to make someone sick.
Is it right, Fritz?
That's right, Hernd.
We sit in the laboratory night and day, night and day, night and day.
That is Hernd.
All right, Fritz.
I mean, all right, Fritz.
So we figure this way.
You got the wire to the test tube?
I got what?
You got the test tube so we can show them what we have accomplished in our work
that took us years and years and years.
There's the wire.
There is.
In this test tube, we have 337,000 cold germs.
That's a lot of germs, kid!
When we discovered the cure for the germs, we didn't have it.
Don't get excited.
We have the cure.
There you go.
Every time we're on a Colgate show, we always start off like this,
and you got to louse me up.
Why do you do this to me?
Well, I didn't want to be...
Oh, shut up!
Let me say a couple words.
Well, I'll say anything you want.
All I know is I didn't want any part of that.
You had a whole billionth idea.
Don't argue with me because I don't want to have no part of no arguments.
I don't want any part of arguments.
Just introduce my song.
Okay, Shirley?
Okay, Selma.
Don't you ever say anything like that.
He makes me do those things, and then I always get all the blame for it.
That's not fair.
Do you think?
We have a show tonight that we figure is probably one of the finest things
that's ever happened on television.
Now, I know what I'm talking about because I've been in this business
close to, oh, a week.
And you...
Oh, and you...
Would you excuse me?
No, I was talking to him, and I just thought...
No, would you mind excusing us for a minute?
Because I was telling...
No, you don't mind.
Well, I don't know which camera's on, and...
Oh, there you are.
We're there.
Why don't you get out of here?
You're drunk, both of you.
Look the way they follow.
You can't do what I'm doing.
Oh, they're going mad, both of them.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Nobody sees what I'm doing at home.
But seriously, ladies and gentlemen,
we're very, very happy to have you folks here tonight
because we have a show that we think is one of the
slowest moving things in the world.
The reason I'm laughing is because I ad-libbed it,
and I didn't know it was going to be funny.
Anyhow, I would like to...
Hello there.
I would like...
Don't you take my picture without any permission
from me at any time.
I walked out of the cameras, and they're not allowed
to turn it around to the audience,
so they were all saying,
at you.
I would like to introduce my partner, ladies and gentlemen,
who's going to sing one of the most beautiful tunes
of the entire year entitled...
What's he going to sing, Dick?
Would I Love You?
If you like. I don't mind.
I'll be all right.
And he does Would I Love You
from that wonderful picture,
Lassie Bites Irma.
Would I love you, love you, love you
Take you in my arms
As always been my goal
Sure as there's a moon above you
Would I love you, love you, love you
With all my heart and soul
You ask me
Would I love you if you'd let me
I should see you as you know
Would I love you
What a question
Would I love you
Sure as there's a moon above you
Would I love you, love you, love you
With all my heart and soul
You ask me
Would I love you if you'd let me
I should see you as you know
Would I love you
What a question
Would I love you
Would I love you, love you, love you
With all my heart and soul
applause
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You'll stop paying the elbow tax
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Mmm, and it smells good too
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It cuts grease in a jiffy
And it has a pleasant fragrance
Get Ajax for your bathroom
A can for the kitchen too
Ajax, the foaming cleanser
Gets things clean just like a whiz
Ajax, the new foaming cleanser foams as it cleans
Good morning, Stan!
Well, good morning, Mr. Nyman!
Say, it's a beautiful day for golf, isn't it?
Oh, beautiful day for golf
Is my caddy ready?
Yes, yes, yes, all ready and ready
Caddy!
Mr. Nyman
Oh, good morning, Mr. Nyman
Good morning, young man
Are we all set?
Everything's all ready, sir
Well, let's be off then
Lots of luck, David, Stan
Good game
Well, hello, Stanley
Well, how you been?
Martin, good to see you
Good to see you
Where in the world have you been?
Oh, I've been in court
Oh
You know, I've been out
You got a caddy around here, Stan?
Yes, yes, my brother
We got a caddy somewhere
Caddy!
Hope it's a good caddy
Oh, yes
I like good caddies
Oh, no, excuse me for interrupting there, buddy
But you see, you've got to keep this arm up there at all times
Because in order to get that clear swing
You've got to keep moving out
Keep that arm stiff
Keep swing bent
There, boy
He's not well
And you just swing completely through
Keep the eye on the ball
Follow it through
And then swing around
Get away from me
I'm just trying to help the kid
Well, just throw up all the bread
Now, look, just get my bag
Get the Sir Martin's bag
Shut up a minute
Come on
Let my partner ad lib
It's not real grass
Get the bag
Oh, you want your bag?
All right, I'll go get it
As I was saying, Stanley
You see, this is a grip
It slips, you know
I want some rubber put around here
So that I can hold the grip
You're going to make this your life's work?
Well, come on
Here, let me help you
Yeah, this is pretty heavy, boy
You take good care of him
Well, if that's a caddy, I'll take a Hudson
Come on
Let's go
All right, let me have my driver
The what?
Let me have the driver
Oh, excuse me for being impertinent, sir
But I think that you should really use the Niblet
You use a driver on the first pole, the first page
Well, that's probably the way you've been written
But I use a Niblet
I'll use the driver, if you don't mind
Well, that's the way you want it, buddy
Okay, what's your name?
Melvin?
Well, Melvin, you always just
Melvin
You always use a driver
I use a Niblet myself
You just hit the trees
You planted them farther away
Why don't we use the
Why don't we move
Oh, forget it
You always use a driver, Melvin
Yeah
Melvin, what a
Okay
Niblet
Driver
Niblet
Driver
Niblet
For the last time, always use a driver
Niblet
Don't ever let me catch you saying Niblet again
What's over there?
Well, that's a green
Look at that
Same thing as over there
Give me another ball
Yes, sir, boy
Hey, someone stole your ball
Nobody stole my ball, I just hit it
Why, were you mad at it?
Shut up
Now let's go find it
Yeah, let's go find it
Now that's not it
That's not it?
Well, why don't you use a new ball, sir?
Huh?
Can't you find the ball?
No, you've got to use this ball
That's a Max Fly
It's a Dunlop Max Fly
A Dunlop Max Fly
Good heavens, we might as well find it
You sure you hit it?
Sure I hit it
Did you hide it or hit it?
I hid it
See, I used the word hide and hid at the same time
Get out of here
All righty
Hey, there it is, my youth
You think you?
That's my ball
Here's your ball, Mr. Martin
That's not my ball
Why, was yours tanned?
That's my ball
Give me that, I ought to poke you right in the nose
You keep away from me, buddy
He's probably a cheap tipper
That one here
I know that I love you more
Hey, drop my caddy
Come on, let me have the seven iron
The seven iron?
Yes, sir
Seven iron
Here, baby
Here, sweetheart
Come on, darling
Come here, sister
Come here, doggy
Here, baby
You're lousing up the sketch
Here
Come with me, darling
Hurry up or you don't get paid
Come here, baby
Lay down
Come here
I see a dog that's supposed to lay down
Come here, baby
Forget the dog
Just move back while I hit him
Forget the dog, buddy
Don't get excited
Louse up the whole bitch
You and your stinking ideas
What's wrong with you?
You're in the sand trap
In the sand trap
Well, that's the way it goes
Doot, doot, doot, doot
Give me the niblet
I knew you'd come around on my way of thinking
I need it for the sand trap
Well, you had your chance, buddy, but you blew it
Give me the niblet
Okay
Doot, doot, doot, doot
Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot
Welcome to Pittsburgh
Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot
You don't think I saw him cheat?
Well, what do you know?
Finally made it
Pretty good, boy
Yeah
What's the par on this hole?
Oh, three, sir
Just made it
Three
Well, that's the way it goes
I'll have none of this, sir
Put down three
I certainly will not, sir
I belong to the Caddies Association
And we're known for honesty
For the heart and soul of a dignified man
To go on through life doing the honest thing
Never to cheat
Never to do the wrong thing
And I certainly won't be any part of any fraud
That you want to be any part of
All right, I'll admit
I cheated a wee bit
Yes, sir
Give me four
That's different
Hello, darling
Hello
Hello, where you been?
I thought I'd find you out here
In the sand trap again
He's in the trap again
Well, then
How is he?
Oh, yes, this Mel
This is Melvin
This is Phyllis
Hello, Melvin
Hello
Melvin?
What is this bitch?
What do you call this?
You met me
You said Melvin
Melvin?
And then she says, hello, Mel
Melvin?
Now, I guess
What if I said, hello, Phyllis?
Phyllis?
Rosie?
Dean?
What's wrong with my name?
Melvin
M-E-L-B-I
Melvin
N-E
Melvin?
I was talking about Melvin
Get off of this truck
I'm not getting off
I work here
Get out of this truck
Oh, darling
I'll give you some of this
Stop it
He's just a young boy
I don't want you to be cross with him
He's a young boy
You want to bet?
Now, supposing he'd like to play golf
Did you ever think of that?
Come on, Melvin
I'll show you how, honey
Get your hands off me, lady
I don't even know you
Phyllis, this is Melvin
Melvin
All right, you show me how you hit a ball
I know how to hit a ball, lady
Well, show me
You hit your hands yourself, buddy
I didn't touch you
I'm warning you
I didn't touch you
Somebody is knocking the devil out of me
Now, why don't you stop?
You don't know how to play golf
I want to show you a good trick
You remember William Cowell?
Sure, he used to play with Duke Ellington, didn't he?
No
William Cowell happened to shoot an apple off of somebody's head
You're kidding
No, I'm Italian
What's the lie?
God, you got a good trick, you see
I'm going to shoot a golf ball off of your head
Well, good night
Here we go
Oh, darling, you think you're sure?
It's in the script
I know what to do
Lay down here
I don't think you know what you're doing, sir
I know what I'm doing, sir
Yeah, but I'm not sure, sir
Yeah, here, now, you hold it right
I'll just pull it up right here
You hold it there
Yeah, now I'll get my driver out
I'm very scared
I don't mind telling you
Oh, you got it
This is one of my better tricks
All right, now, ready?
Here we go
Give me my ball
Give me my ball, Melvin
Melvin
No
All right
How do you feel?
I didn't mind that at all
You didn't mind it?
No, I enjoyed that first one
Want to play some more?
I got a little punchy, but that was fun
I like to swing that ball
I get up every other morning
I have to have a hot wine
I want to swing that ball
I have no one else to have a wine
Never had it wrong
It's not very pretty, is it?
A dirty, greasy frying pan
Rusted with burned bits of fried liver
And it's not at all easy to clean either
Unless you do it with Ajax, the foaming cleanser
Because Ajax cleans your pots and pans
Twice as easy and twice as fast
As any other leading cleanser
Just watch
I shake Ajax in
Just a little
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Those foaming action suds go right to work
It's a dirty, greasy, dirty, dirty
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm
Floating it right down the drain
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm
Ah, your pan shines like a bright new penny
And there are many other things you'll like about Ajax
It polishes as it cleans
There's no gritty cleanser scum
It's kind to your hands
And it has a wonderful fragrance
Get two cans of Ajax
One to use in the kitchen
And one for the bathroom, too
Ajax, the foaming cleanser
I'm tired
Ladies and gentlemen, Dean and I are very, very proud to say that
We introduced two young people on our show on February the 4th
They did such a magnificent job that we had to ask them to come back
We'd pay them
So, they're very wonderful performers
We'd like you to see this very wonderful number they're about to do
Bob Fosse, Corey Oggrograft
Claire Gregorraft
He showed them how to do it
And, uh, he's a very lovely cohort
Miss Marion Isles
We show you the very beautiful conception of their premise
Of a word entitled, you've never loved but still in awe
Well
JiTRON
Thank you for seeing us.
Ladies and gentlemen, we just finished the picture in Hollywood for our boss, Mr. Hal
Wallace, called That's My Boy.
And the young lady I'm about to introduce had nothing at all to do with the picture.
I just thought I'd put in a plug.
But this young lady, you've heard many, many of her records.
She was with Mr. Jimmy Dorsey, a lovely singer of songs, a great talent, a different voice,
the beautiful, lovely Miss Helen O'Connell.
All of me, why not take all of me?
Can't you see I'm no good without you?
Take my arms, I'll never use them.
Take my lips, I wanna lose them.
Your goodbye left me with eyes that cry.
How can I go on dear without you?
You took the part that once was my heart.
So why not take all of me?
Soft love and I could not live without you.
My soul a longing, a thirst for love divine.
Dreams I seem to hold you, to find you and enfold you.
Our lips meet and our hearts too, with a thrill so sublime.
Those cool and limp green eyes, a pull where in my long lines.
So deep that in my searching for happiness I fear.
That they will ever haunt me, all through my life they'll haunt me.
But will they ever want me?
Green eyes, I love you.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
And now I'd like to sing my favorite encore.
Hello everybody, hello.
Hello is the shampoo that glorifies your hair.
Hello, hello everybody, hello.
Hello shampoo, hello.
Applause
Thank you, thank you Helen.
You know that's my favorite encore too.
Now Mike, before you say anything else,
there's something I'd like to say about Halo.
What's that?
I love it.
I find that no other shampoo leaves my hair so soft and shiny.
And you're so right Helen.
You see, Halo, Halo is the shampoo that glorifies your hair.
Soap in your hair with even the finest liquid or oily cream shampoos,
hides its natural luster under a dulling soap film.
But not Halo because Halo is not a soap, it's not a cream.
It contains a patented ingredient,
so that it just can't leave that dirt catching film on hair.
And what's more Mike, Halo gives oceans of lather in even the hardest water.
Yet it rinses away so quickly, you need no extra rinse.
So remember, soaping dulls hair.
Halo glorifies it.
Halo, America's favorite shampoo.
So Halo everybody, hello.
Halo shampoo, hello.
Thank you.
Come here, someone's sick.
Don't talk loud in the library.
Do you have to chew that loud?
I paid a penny and I'm going to get my penny's worth, swerve.
I'm going to get my penny's worth.
Don't shush me, I run this library.
Is it a civil servant job?
Yes.
Well let's be a little more civil.
Now what is it?
What can I do for you?
Oh I don't know, I just sang here and I want to return some of these books.
Why, what's wrong with them?
Oh, there's nothing wrong with them sir.
I just finished them using them and I don't want them no more.
Alright, let me have them.
Alrighty.
Abba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba.
Come on, come on.
Birdie do da we oh.
Oh stony day lo do do.
Oh stony day lo do do do.
You sure read a lot, don't you?
Oh no sir, I just use these to build tunnels for my electric fence.
Get out of my way.
What is that?
This is for our electric fence.
What is that?
This is for our weenie roast down at the annual Wye Dam Sunday.
Alright, give me your card.
Give me your card will you buddy?
I must have left my card at home.
I don't care where you must have left it.
Give me the card.
I don't got it.
You don't got it?
What kind of English is this, I don't got it?
That's as bad as up the street the soldiers, they're coming down.
We're gonna talk English next time goodbye foster.
What do you want from me?
All I know is I ain't got a card.
What do you want?
Well, get a card.
Maybe I can borrow my friend Herbie's.
Go ahead, borrow Herbie's.
How cool Herbie?
Where's Herbie live?
Oh, just about a mile from here.
Alright, call him.
Herbie!
Well, Herbie, what's up?
I'm calling.
Herbie!
Well, he's gotta hear me, don't he?
Use the telephone.
Oh.
Hello, Herbie.
Ask the operator for the number.
Operator, do you know Herbie?
Give me the number.
The operator's name is Herbie.
Now come on, Melvin.
Melvin?
No, that's the other name.
Melvin.
Oh, operator.
Would you please be good enough to give me Academy 72467, 24771, 329984, 72111111111118239, 726654444444298333333362983333362988833 APIY, are you here?
Yes, I am.
Can I ask you a question?
Ah!
Sorry, the number's been changed to Academy 3.
1-6-5-8-4-7-3-6-5-7-8-9-5-4-6-8-9!
Now you go on, get out of here!
Alright, I'm...
Do you hear me? Get out of here!
Boy, oh boy, sir!
If I ran a library, if I even worked in one, I would never ever treat kids like that!
You sure?
Sure I'm sure!
Well, I'm looking for a man like you.
You like to have a job, Newton?
I'm saying yes.
Yes!
I can't even get through the line.
Now, you know what you have to do in a library?
No, sir.
You keep the books in place.
Yes.
Keep them nice and neat and clean and above all...
Above all?
Keep those people quiet.
Yes, sir, you are now in charge.
Alright, let's keep this quiet in here!
We don't want Tegelstampin' talking to make a noise!
Because we're running a library here!
Shut up!
No coughing in the library! Let's keep it quiet, buddy!
Let's keep it quiet, buddy!
No coughing in the library!
Let's keep it quiet in the library!
We don't want people being in the library!
Shut up!
You're ruining me!
Aren't you overacting a little?
No!
I'm overacting here!
Well, it looks like you were dying for a minute.
I'm going to give you another chance!
Come on, let's do this sketch, get the money and get out of here!
See this customer coming in?
Yeah!
Check him out!
Yes, sir! I can do that fine! I watched the way you did, sir!
I'd like to take this book out!
Alright!
Both of them, they like me!
Alright, stamp him out!
Yes, sirree, boys!
Stamp this man out!
Ah!
Who you deserving?
Get out of my place! Get out of my library!
I'm not leaving until I get the book I came for, sir!
You promised you wouldn't leave!
You promised!
Yes, I'll leave, but first I want that book I came for!
Alright! What would you like to read?
Gulliver's Travels!
Gulliver's what?
Gulliver's Travels, and I want the book now!
Gulliver's Travels?
Yes, sir!
Do you happen to know where that book is?
No, I don't, but I want that book!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Will you get the book?
Yes, sir, if I will!
It's up there!
I want that book, and I'm not leaving until I get it!
Well, I haven't got a ladder, and we can't get it!
I want a book!
Humphrey!
Humphrey?
You got a ladder, sir?
I got it!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I got the ladder, the ladder's broken, but maybe we can help him out some other way, okay?
We'll put the table up here instead, and put a chair up there.
That's a good way, Humphrey!
Let him stand on top of the chair. Get up there!
Yeah, go ahead, get up!
Do I have to go get the book?
Did you reach it?
No, I didn't!
We'll use the bottle to put it up here.
Put the chair up there?
How do you like that?
I don't like that!
Oh, yes you do!
Let me read that nice book over there!
All you want, Gulliver's Travels, you're gonna get it, shorty!
I don't want to read it.
Get up here!
There you go!
Did you drop your hat, Melvin?
Ooh, Melvin?
Not with the other book!
Get up here!
Get up here first, okay?
Step on him!
Why does he have to?
I don't know, but I'm lost!
Put your head up there first.
Put my head up there first, and one foot up here now.
That's his foot.
One foot!
All the way forward, all the way forward.
Don't worry, I'm gonna chew, buddy.
Now stand on the chair. Just stand on the chair.
Stand on the chair?
Stand up there. Now stand all the way up.
All the way up.
No, I don't want to do it.
No, come on, sit!
Now straighten your body all the way up.
Just straighten your body all the way up.
That's right. Now turn and face me!
Go ahead.
Perfect.
Turn to feed, too.
Excuse him! Excuse him!
Turn!
They must be listening.
Now get the book!
No, wait. Here, take this chair.
Yeah, I'm gonna get it.
Put that chair up there.
I don't want company up here!
Aah!
Just hold him in the chair.
Let me help you up here.
That's it. Now watch yourself.
Now hold on this real tight.
I'm scared!
I'm not scared!
I'm scared!
No, I am!
I'm feeling scared!
No, no. Don't shake it!
Oh no, don't shake it, no.
Oh no, don't shake it!
Oh no, don't laugh.
Oh please don't shake it!
I don't check your lip,
but don't shake it.
Tell the doctor...
tell him not to shake it!
I don't think you want to go.
Don't take it!
Get up! Get up there!
Slide down! Slide!
No I can't. No I can't.
You can't move? I can't move.
You positive?
I'm sure I can't move.
You sure you can't move? Yeah I'm positive.
Come here. Go and see if you can get some other books.
Okay. Good night Humphrey.
Well, what are you going to do?
Not much I can move.
You positive you can't move? Yeah I'm sure.
Hahahahaha.
Hahahahaha
C'mon now help me, I'm seeing my boss.
My new boss!
Hoooooray!
Applause.
And now, Halo presents
the Lonely Lady of the Sea
And the lovely lady of the islands, Miss Norma Calderon of the musical hit, South Pacific.
Hello everybody, hello.
Halo Shampoo presents the inside story of the Lonesome Mermaid.
What can I do about my hair? It's so dull and stringy looking.
The sailors never whistle at me anymore. And for a mermaid, that's serious.
Look Toots, here's the answer to your problem. Use Halo Shampoo. Soaping dulls hair. Halo glorifies it.
Halo means natural beauty. The first time that you use it. You need no special rinsing. After you use it.
So Halo everybody, Halo. Halo Shampoo, Halo.
Halo everybody, Halo. Halo is the shampoo that glorifies your hair. So Halo Shampoo, Halo.
Remember, Halo leaves hair fragrant, dandruff free, and wonderfully easy to manage.
Because Halo's not a soap, but an oily cream.
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Thank you very much. You're very kind, ladies and gentlemen.
We'd like to say right about here. You know, Dean has a beautiful production number at the beginning of every show with girls and everything.
So I went to the network. I said, why can't I do a number too? So they said, okay, you'll do it. But they didn't give me girls.
They gave me fellas I should use. So I gotta do the number. Come on out, fellas.
You know, it feels funny Dean uses girls, pretty girls to work with. It's nice. So I got fellas.
So just to make me feel better, you'll be Selma, Audrey, Miriam, and Phyllis. All right?
They'll be girls, meanwhile. This is the number that I had to get forced from recording for Capitol Records.
And it's my conception of a tune called, Never Been Kissed. And I'm going to sing it for you now.
Oh, I know a gal who's a treat to the eye. The boys always whistle when she passes by.
She's out every night, not a night has she missed. And her mother says that she's never been kissed.
What? Yeah. Never been kissed. Never been kissed. It's hard to believe that she's never been kissed.
One night she went out for a row on the lake. The guy she was with dropped the oars by mistake.
They drifted for hours before they were missed. But she still insists that she's never been kissed.
What? She's a liar. Never been kissed. Never been kissed. It's hard to believe that she's never been kissed.
Well, the young man took a liking to her. He gave her some presents of jewelry and fur,
including a diamond as big as your fist. Yet she'll take note that she's never been kissed.
What? Never been kissed. Never been kissed. It's hard to believe that she's never been kissed.
No, there's a new book they're all talking about. Called Lessons in Love. You have read it, no doubt.
I hear that it just made the bestseller list. Well, it's written by her and she's never been kissed.
That's a lie. What? Never been kissed. Never been kissed. It's hard to believe that she's never been kissed.
She married the best catch in town, by the way, and said to the girls that she threw her bouquet.
Just keep the boys guessing and always insist that you are a girl who has never been kissed.
What? Never been kissed. Never been kissed. It's hard to believe that she's never been kissed.
The end of this story is sad and here's why. I saw her today with a tear in her eye.
I asked her the reason why she was so blue and the answer she gave me, I'll pass on to you.
What? Listen. Never been kissed. Never been kissed. She married a man who has never been kissed.
What?
Is that a Dean Martin singing, I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now?
I wonder who's kissing her now, well wonder who's kissing her now.
I wonder who's looking into her eyes, breathing sighs and telling lies.
But I wonder who's buying the wine, all the lips that I used to call mine.
And I wonder if she ever tells him with me, well I wonder who's kissing her now.
I wonder who's buying all the wine, all the lips that I used to call mine.
Well I wonder if she ever tells him with me, I wonder who's kissing her now.
Thank you very much.
Hey, that was terrific. I never heard you sing so good before in my life.
What's the wire?
The wire says we're so very happy that you will appear at the Italian welfare night of stars at the Chicago stadium May the 12th.
Thank you Frank Anunzio and Johnny Kentucky.
Oh, we're going to be here.
We're going to be here in Chicago for this wonderful affair.
And we'd like you to know that.
It's a nut.
Don't try and make up.
Let's show them that we can also play instruments.
We're going to play the number for you.
What is it? What are you doing here?
What do you want? Two minutes?
See what he's giving us? Get out of here.
Get out. We don't mind having you tell us how much time there is.
But don't get in the act, buddy.
It's great for you.
The beautiful and thrilling
Seder dance.
Happy New Year.
I'm going to the mine to see if there's any coal there.
We'd like to do about three or four thousand other numbers for you.
We're running late.
So with playing of the theme on behalf of Dean and myself,
we'd like to remind you that next week, Mr. Phil Silvers will appear
on the Colgate Comedy Hour.
Dean and I will be his guests.
We're going to have a lot of fun. We'd like you to tune in.
So we'd like to thank the entire show.
Kingman Moore in the booth, Ernest Fluxman our producer,
Ed Simmons and Norman Lear our writers.
Of course, I want to thank my partner because without him, what's the sense?
And I want to thank you all.
So don't forget next week with Mr. Phil Silvers,
a great comedian. We'll be with him.
Thank you so much. You've been wonderful. Good night and God bless.
Thank you.
The star of the Colgate Comedy Hour.
And on hand to welcome and the special guest will be
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis and Vivian Blake.
Then the next week,
Mr. Silvers again will star on the Comedy Hour.
The following week, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis
will be back once again on the Colgate Comedy Hour.
And four weeks from tonight,
Eddie Canter will return.
And now good night from the Colgate Comedy Hour,
which has been presented by the Colgate Commerle Peak Company,
makers of comedy products since 1806.