WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:06.480 The Colgate Comedy Hour! 00:06.480 --> 00:14.060 Starring Dee Martin and Jerry Lewis! 00:14.060 --> 00:21.200 Presented by the Colgate Palmolive Heat Company, makers of... 00:21.200 --> 00:26.400 Halo Shampoo to glorify your hair! 00:26.400 --> 00:39.400 And Ajax, the foaming action cleanser! 00:39.400 --> 00:45.400 And now, the Dee Martin and Jerry Lewis Company, with Helen O'Connell, Posse and Niles, and Lad Lyons! 00:45.400 --> 00:49.400 Musical direction by Dick Staveel, written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear, 00:49.400 --> 00:53.200 choreography by Posse and Niles, and settings by Theodore Cooper! 00:53.200 --> 00:57.200 NBC production supervisor Sam Fuller, television director Cinkman Seymour, 00:57.200 --> 01:00.940 produced and directed by Ernest D. Glutzman! 01:00.940 --> 01:15.800 ["The Colgate Comedy Hour!" music plays as the audience is shown off stage.] 01:15.800 --> 01:20.200 Hi Ernest! Morning, please! 01:20.200 --> 01:24.200 Fellow members of the Cure the Common Cold Committee, 01:24.200 --> 01:28.200 it is with great pleasure that I welcome you here tonight. 01:28.200 --> 01:32.200 As you know, our organization has been active for the past years, 01:32.200 --> 01:39.200 with but one purpose in mind, to find a cure for that scourge of mankind, the common cold. 01:39.200 --> 01:43.200 Friends, this is our success meeting. 01:43.200 --> 01:48.200 The cure for the common cold has been found! 01:48.200 --> 01:53.200 The cure was discovered by two young men from the University of Vienna, 01:53.200 --> 01:55.200 and they are here with us tonight. 01:55.200 --> 02:00.200 Ladies and gentlemen, the men who have completely outwitted medical science 02:00.200 --> 02:04.200 in the discovery of the cure for the common cold, 02:04.200 --> 02:08.200 Professors Martin and Lewis! 02:08.200 --> 02:27.200 ["The Colgate Comedy Hour!" music plays as the audience is shown off stage.] 02:27.200 --> 02:32.200 Ladies and gentlemen, I know you're all anxious to meet these boys, 02:32.200 --> 02:35.200 these two young gentlemen, and here they are! 02:35.200 --> 02:40.200 You know, it didn't look for a while like they were going to get here. 02:40.200 --> 02:44.200 We were very nervous about the whole thing. 02:44.200 --> 02:48.200 I'm glad to see that they finally arrived! 02:48.200 --> 02:53.200 You know, their being here reminds me of a story. 02:53.200 --> 02:57.200 I was in Vienna myself for about 20 years, 02:57.200 --> 03:02.200 and I was with another group of doctors at the time, you see. 03:02.200 --> 03:07.200 And funny things happened to me! 03:07.200 --> 03:10.200 We'll have no more noise here! 03:10.200 --> 03:15.200 Think of what, Fritz? 03:15.200 --> 03:18.200 Here, look at this way. 03:18.200 --> 03:22.200 When the cold strikes a human being, 03:22.200 --> 03:26.200 it's enough to make someone sick. 03:26.200 --> 03:28.200 Is it right, Fritz? 03:28.200 --> 03:33.200 That's right, Hernd. 03:33.200 --> 03:40.200 We sit in the laboratory night and day, night and day, night and day. 03:40.200 --> 03:42.200 That is Hernd. 03:42.200 --> 03:43.200 All right, Fritz. 03:43.200 --> 03:46.200 I mean, all right, Fritz. 03:46.200 --> 03:47.200 So we figure this way. 03:47.200 --> 03:49.200 You got the wire to the test tube? 03:49.200 --> 03:50.200 I got what? 03:50.200 --> 03:54.200 You got the test tube so we can show them what we have accomplished in our work 03:54.200 --> 03:56.200 that took us years and years and years. 03:56.200 --> 03:58.200 There's the wire. 03:58.200 --> 04:00.200 There is. 04:00.200 --> 04:06.200 In this test tube, we have 337,000 cold germs. 04:06.200 --> 04:08.200 That's a lot of germs, kid! 04:08.200 --> 04:11.200 That's a lot of germs, kid! 04:11.200 --> 04:17.200 When we discovered the cure for the germs, we didn't have it. 04:17.200 --> 04:19.200 Don't get excited. 04:19.200 --> 04:21.200 We have the cure. 04:21.200 --> 04:26.200 We have the cure. 04:26.200 --> 04:31.200 We have the cure. 04:31.200 --> 04:36.200 We have the cure. 04:36.200 --> 04:42.200 We have the cure. 04:42.200 --> 04:44.200 There you go. 04:44.200 --> 04:48.200 Every time we're on a Colgate show, we always start off like this, 04:48.200 --> 04:49.200 and you got to louse me up. 04:49.200 --> 04:50.200 Why do you do this to me? 04:50.200 --> 04:51.200 Well, I didn't want to be... 04:51.200 --> 04:53.200 Oh, shut up! 04:53.200 --> 04:55.200 Let me say a couple words. 04:55.200 --> 04:57.200 Well, I'll say anything you want. 04:57.200 --> 04:59.200 All I know is I didn't want any part of that. 04:59.200 --> 05:00.200 You had a whole billionth idea. 05:00.200 --> 05:03.200 Don't argue with me because I don't want to have no part of no arguments. 05:03.200 --> 05:05.200 I don't want any part of arguments. 05:05.200 --> 05:07.200 Just introduce my song. 05:07.200 --> 05:08.200 Okay, Shirley? 05:08.200 --> 05:11.200 Okay, Selma. 05:11.200 --> 05:13.200 Don't you ever say anything like that. 05:13.200 --> 05:16.200 He makes me do those things, and then I always get all the blame for it. 05:16.200 --> 05:17.200 That's not fair. 05:17.200 --> 05:19.200 Do you think? 05:19.200 --> 05:24.200 We have a show tonight that we figure is probably one of the finest things 05:24.200 --> 05:27.200 that's ever happened on television. 05:27.200 --> 05:30.200 Now, I know what I'm talking about because I've been in this business 05:30.200 --> 05:34.200 close to, oh, a week. 05:34.200 --> 05:35.200 And you... 05:35.200 --> 05:36.200 Oh, and you... 05:36.200 --> 05:37.200 Would you excuse me? 05:37.200 --> 05:39.200 No, I was talking to him, and I just thought... 05:39.200 --> 05:41.200 No, would you mind excusing us for a minute? 05:41.200 --> 05:42.200 Because I was telling... 05:42.200 --> 05:44.200 No, you don't mind. 05:44.200 --> 05:46.200 Well, I don't know which camera's on, and... 05:46.200 --> 05:47.200 Oh, there you are. 05:47.200 --> 05:49.200 We're there. 05:49.200 --> 05:50.200 Why don't you get out of here? 05:50.200 --> 05:52.200 You're drunk, both of you. 05:52.200 --> 05:56.200 Look the way they follow. 05:56.200 --> 05:58.200 You can't do what I'm doing. 05:58.200 --> 06:02.200 Oh, they're going mad, both of them. 06:02.200 --> 06:05.200 Boom, boom, boom, boom. 06:05.200 --> 06:08.200 Boom, boom, boom, boom. 06:08.200 --> 06:12.200 Nobody sees what I'm doing at home. 06:12.200 --> 06:16.200 But seriously, ladies and gentlemen, 06:16.200 --> 06:19.200 we're very, very happy to have you folks here tonight 06:19.200 --> 06:21.200 because we have a show that we think is one of the 06:21.200 --> 06:29.200 slowest moving things in the world. 06:29.200 --> 06:32.200 The reason I'm laughing is because I ad-libbed it, 06:32.200 --> 06:35.200 and I didn't know it was going to be funny. 06:35.200 --> 06:40.200 Anyhow, I would like to... 06:40.200 --> 06:41.200 Hello there. 06:41.200 --> 06:42.200 I would like... 06:42.200 --> 06:44.200 Don't you take my picture without any permission 06:44.200 --> 06:51.200 from me at any time. 06:51.200 --> 06:54.200 I walked out of the cameras, and they're not allowed 06:54.200 --> 06:55.200 to turn it around to the audience, 06:55.200 --> 06:56.200 so they were all saying, 06:56.200 --> 07:00.200 at you. 07:00.200 --> 07:02.200 I would like to introduce my partner, ladies and gentlemen, 07:02.200 --> 07:05.200 who's going to sing one of the most beautiful tunes 07:05.200 --> 07:10.200 of the entire year entitled... 07:10.200 --> 07:12.200 What's he going to sing, Dick? 07:12.200 --> 07:14.200 Would I Love You? 07:14.200 --> 07:20.200 If you like. I don't mind. 07:20.200 --> 07:21.200 I'll be all right. 07:21.200 --> 07:23.200 And he does Would I Love You 07:23.200 --> 07:25.200 from that wonderful picture, 07:25.200 --> 07:41.200 Lassie Bites Irma. 07:41.200 --> 07:51.200 Would I love you, love you, love you 07:51.200 --> 07:55.200 Take you in my arms 07:55.200 --> 08:00.200 As always been my goal 08:00.200 --> 08:05.200 Sure as there's a moon above you 08:05.200 --> 08:10.200 Would I love you, love you, love you 08:10.200 --> 08:14.200 With all my heart and soul 08:14.200 --> 08:19.200 With all my heart and soul 08:19.200 --> 08:22.200 You ask me 08:22.200 --> 08:26.200 Would I love you if you'd let me 08:26.200 --> 08:30.200 I should see you as you know 08:30.200 --> 08:33.200 Would I love you 08:33.200 --> 08:35.200 What a question 08:35.200 --> 08:37.200 Would I love you 08:37.200 --> 08:42.200 Sure as there's a moon above you 08:42.200 --> 08:47.200 Would I love you, love you, love you 08:47.200 --> 08:50.200 With all my heart and soul 08:50.200 --> 08:55.200 With all my heart and soul 08:55.200 --> 08:58.200 You ask me 08:58.200 --> 09:03.200 Would I love you if you'd let me 09:03.200 --> 09:09.200 I should see you as you know 09:09.200 --> 09:11.200 Would I love you 09:11.200 --> 09:13.200 What a question 09:13.200 --> 09:19.200 Would I love you 09:19.200 --> 09:23.200 Would I love you, love you, love you 09:23.200 --> 09:27.200 With all my heart and soul 09:27.200 --> 09:34.200 With all my heart and soul 09:34.200 --> 09:40.200 With all my heart and soul 09:40.200 --> 09:49.200 applause 09:49.200 --> 09:54.200 News Ajax 09:54.200 --> 10:01.200 Colgate new Ajax cleans your kitchen sink far brighter with half the effort 10:01.200 --> 10:05.200 Use Ajax, a foaming cleanser 10:05.200 --> 10:08.200 Gets things clean just like a whiz 10:08.200 --> 10:12.200 You'll stop paying the elbow tax 10:12.200 --> 10:15.200 When you start cleaning with Ajax 10:15.200 --> 10:19.200 So use Ajax, a foaming cleanser 10:19.200 --> 10:22.200 Flops the dirt right down the drain 10:22.200 --> 10:28.200 Ajax leaves no gritty cleanser scum in top or sink 10:28.200 --> 10:32.200 So use Ajax, a foaming cleanser 10:32.200 --> 10:35.200 Gets things clean just like a whiz 10:35.200 --> 10:40.200 Ajax, the new scouring cleanser foams as it cleans 10:40.200 --> 10:45.200 Ajax cuts grease faster than any other leading cleanser 10:45.200 --> 10:48.200 Ajax polishes with half the effort 10:48.200 --> 10:53.200 Mmm, and it smells good too 10:53.200 --> 10:58.200 So use Ajax 10:58.200 --> 11:02.200 Ajax polishes as it cleans, it leaves no gritty cleanser scum 11:02.200 --> 11:05.200 It cuts grease in a jiffy 11:05.200 --> 11:07.200 And it has a pleasant fragrance 11:07.200 --> 11:09.200 Get Ajax for your bathroom 11:09.200 --> 11:11.200 A can for the kitchen too 11:11.200 --> 11:14.200 Ajax, the foaming cleanser 11:14.200 --> 11:18.200 Gets things clean just like a whiz 11:18.200 --> 11:22.200 Ajax, the new foaming cleanser foams as it cleans 11:22.200 --> 11:27.200 Ajax, the new foaming cleanser foams as it cleans 11:27.200 --> 11:31.200 Ajax, the new foaming cleanser foams as it cleans 11:31.200 --> 11:32.200 Good morning, Stan! 11:32.200 --> 11:34.200 Well, good morning, Mr. Nyman! 11:34.200 --> 11:35.200 Say, it's a beautiful day for golf, isn't it? 11:35.200 --> 11:36.200 Oh, beautiful day for golf 11:36.200 --> 11:37.200 Is my caddy ready? 11:37.200 --> 11:39.200 Yes, yes, yes, all ready and ready 11:39.200 --> 11:40.200 Caddy! 11:40.200 --> 11:41.200 Mr. Nyman 11:41.200 --> 11:42.200 Oh, good morning, Mr. Nyman 11:42.200 --> 11:43.200 Good morning, young man 11:43.200 --> 11:44.200 Are we all set? 11:44.200 --> 11:45.200 Everything's all ready, sir 11:45.200 --> 11:46.200 Well, let's be off then 11:46.200 --> 11:48.200 Lots of luck, David, Stan 11:48.200 --> 11:49.200 Good game 11:51.200 --> 11:53.200 Well, hello, Stanley 11:53.200 --> 11:55.200 Well, how you been? 11:55.200 --> 11:57.200 Martin, good to see you 11:57.200 --> 11:58.200 Good to see you 11:58.200 --> 11:59.200 Where in the world have you been? 11:59.200 --> 12:00.200 Oh, I've been in court 12:00.200 --> 12:01.200 Oh 12:01.200 --> 12:02.200 You know, I've been out 12:02.200 --> 12:06.200 You got a caddy around here, Stan? 12:06.200 --> 12:08.200 Yes, yes, my brother 12:08.200 --> 12:09.200 We got a caddy somewhere 12:09.200 --> 12:10.200 Caddy! 12:10.200 --> 12:12.200 Hope it's a good caddy 12:12.200 --> 12:13.200 Oh, yes 12:13.200 --> 12:14.200 I like good caddies 12:14.200 --> 12:32.200 Oh, no, excuse me for interrupting there, buddy 12:32.200 --> 12:35.200 But you see, you've got to keep this arm up there at all times 12:35.200 --> 12:38.200 Because in order to get that clear swing 12:38.200 --> 12:39.200 You've got to keep moving out 12:39.200 --> 12:40.200 Keep that arm stiff 12:40.200 --> 12:42.200 Keep swing bent 12:42.200 --> 12:43.200 There, boy 12:43.200 --> 12:44.200 He's not well 12:44.200 --> 12:47.200 And you just swing completely through 12:47.200 --> 12:48.200 Keep the eye on the ball 12:48.200 --> 12:49.200 Follow it through 12:49.200 --> 12:51.200 And then swing around 12:51.200 --> 12:52.200 Get away from me 12:52.200 --> 12:53.200 I'm just trying to help the kid 12:53.200 --> 12:55.200 Well, just throw up all the bread 12:55.200 --> 13:05.200 Now, look, just get my bag 13:05.200 --> 13:07.200 Get the Sir Martin's bag 13:07.200 --> 13:08.200 Shut up a minute 13:08.200 --> 13:10.200 Come on 13:10.200 --> 13:12.200 Let my partner ad lib 13:12.200 --> 13:18.200 It's not real grass 13:18.200 --> 13:19.200 Get the bag 13:19.200 --> 13:21.200 Oh, you want your bag? 13:21.200 --> 13:24.200 All right, I'll go get it 13:24.200 --> 13:26.200 As I was saying, Stanley 13:26.200 --> 13:28.200 You see, this is a grip 13:28.200 --> 13:29.200 It slips, you know 13:29.200 --> 13:30.200 I want some rubber put around here 13:30.200 --> 13:36.200 So that I can hold the grip 13:36.200 --> 13:41.200 You're going to make this your life's work? 13:41.200 --> 13:42.200 Well, come on 13:42.200 --> 13:43.200 Here, let me help you 13:43.200 --> 13:45.200 Yeah, this is pretty heavy, boy 13:45.200 --> 13:50.200 You take good care of him 13:50.200 --> 13:55.200 Well, if that's a caddy, I'll take a Hudson 13:55.200 --> 13:56.200 Come on 13:56.200 --> 14:01.200 Let's go 14:01.200 --> 14:05.200 All right, let me have my driver 14:05.200 --> 14:06.200 The what? 14:06.200 --> 14:07.200 Let me have the driver 14:07.200 --> 14:09.200 Oh, excuse me for being impertinent, sir 14:09.200 --> 14:13.200 But I think that you should really use the Niblet 14:13.200 --> 14:17.200 You use a driver on the first pole, the first page 14:17.200 --> 14:20.200 Well, that's probably the way you've been written 14:20.200 --> 14:22.200 But I use a Niblet 14:22.200 --> 14:24.200 I'll use the driver, if you don't mind 14:24.200 --> 14:26.200 Well, that's the way you want it, buddy 14:26.200 --> 14:28.200 Okay, what's your name? 14:28.200 --> 14:29.200 Melvin? 14:29.200 --> 14:32.200 Well, Melvin, you always just 14:32.200 --> 14:34.200 Melvin 14:34.200 --> 14:38.200 You always use a driver 14:38.200 --> 14:42.200 I use a Niblet myself 14:42.200 --> 14:50.200 You just hit the trees 14:50.200 --> 14:58.200 You planted them farther away 14:58.200 --> 14:59.200 Why don't we use the 14:59.200 --> 15:00.200 Why don't we move 15:00.200 --> 15:01.200 Oh, forget it 15:01.200 --> 15:04.200 You always use a driver, Melvin 15:04.200 --> 15:05.200 Yeah 15:05.200 --> 15:06.200 Melvin, what a 15:06.200 --> 15:07.200 Okay 15:07.200 --> 15:09.200 Niblet 15:09.200 --> 15:10.200 Driver 15:10.200 --> 15:13.200 Niblet 15:13.200 --> 15:14.200 Driver 15:14.200 --> 15:16.200 Niblet 15:16.200 --> 15:22.200 For the last time, always use a driver 15:22.200 --> 15:24.200 Niblet 15:24.200 --> 15:30.200 Don't ever let me catch you saying Niblet again 15:30.200 --> 15:39.200 What's over there? 15:39.200 --> 15:41.200 Well, that's a green 15:41.200 --> 15:43.200 Look at that 15:43.200 --> 15:45.200 Same thing as over there 15:45.200 --> 15:46.200 Give me another ball 15:46.200 --> 15:50.200 Yes, sir, boy 15:50.200 --> 15:53.200 Hey, someone stole your ball 15:53.200 --> 15:56.200 Nobody stole my ball, I just hit it 15:56.200 --> 15:57.200 Why, were you mad at it? 15:57.200 --> 16:00.200 Shut up 16:00.200 --> 16:01.200 Now let's go find it 16:01.200 --> 16:02.200 Yeah, let's go find it 16:08.200 --> 16:09.200 Now that's not it 16:09.200 --> 16:10.200 That's not it? 16:10.200 --> 16:12.200 Well, why don't you use a new ball, sir? 16:12.200 --> 16:13.200 Huh? 16:13.200 --> 16:14.200 Can't you find the ball? 16:14.200 --> 16:15.200 No, you've got to use this ball 16:15.200 --> 16:16.200 That's a Max Fly 16:16.200 --> 16:17.200 It's a Dunlop Max Fly 16:17.200 --> 16:19.200 A Dunlop Max Fly 16:19.200 --> 16:23.200 Good heavens, we might as well find it 16:23.200 --> 16:25.200 You sure you hit it? 16:25.200 --> 16:27.200 Sure I hit it 16:27.200 --> 16:28.200 Did you hide it or hit it? 16:28.200 --> 16:29.200 I hid it 16:29.200 --> 16:32.200 See, I used the word hide and hid at the same time 16:32.200 --> 16:33.200 Get out of here 16:33.200 --> 16:35.200 All righty 16:35.200 --> 16:37.200 Hey, there it is, my youth 16:37.200 --> 16:38.200 You think you? 16:38.200 --> 16:40.200 That's my ball 16:40.200 --> 16:41.200 Here's your ball, Mr. Martin 16:41.200 --> 16:43.200 That's not my ball 16:43.200 --> 16:44.200 Why, was yours tanned? 16:44.200 --> 16:46.200 That's my ball 16:46.200 --> 16:48.200 Give me that, I ought to poke you right in the nose 16:48.200 --> 16:50.200 You keep away from me, buddy 16:50.200 --> 16:52.200 He's probably a cheap tipper 16:52.200 --> 16:54.200 That one here 16:54.200 --> 16:56.200 I know that I love you more 16:56.200 --> 16:59.200 Hey, drop my caddy 16:59.200 --> 17:02.200 Come on, let me have the seven iron 17:02.200 --> 17:03.200 The seven iron? 17:03.200 --> 17:04.200 Yes, sir 17:04.200 --> 17:05.200 Yes, sir 17:05.200 --> 17:06.200 Seven iron 17:06.200 --> 17:07.200 Here, baby 17:07.200 --> 17:08.200 Here, baby 17:08.200 --> 17:09.200 Here, sweetheart 17:09.200 --> 17:10.200 Come on, darling 17:10.200 --> 17:11.200 Come here, sister 17:11.200 --> 17:12.200 Come here, doggy 17:12.200 --> 17:13.200 Here, baby 17:13.200 --> 17:15.200 You're lousing up the sketch 17:15.200 --> 17:16.200 Here 17:16.200 --> 17:20.200 Come with me, darling 17:20.200 --> 17:22.200 Hurry up or you don't get paid 17:22.200 --> 17:24.200 Come here, baby 17:24.200 --> 17:25.200 Lay down 17:25.200 --> 17:26.200 Come here 17:26.200 --> 17:28.200 I see a dog that's supposed to lay down 17:28.200 --> 17:30.200 Come here, baby 17:30.200 --> 17:32.200 Forget the dog 17:32.200 --> 17:33.200 Forget the dog 17:33.200 --> 17:35.200 Just move back while I hit him 17:35.200 --> 17:36.200 Forget the dog, buddy 17:36.200 --> 17:37.200 Don't get excited 17:37.200 --> 17:39.200 Louse up the whole bitch 17:39.200 --> 17:43.200 You and your stinking ideas 17:43.200 --> 17:53.200 What's wrong with you? 17:53.200 --> 17:57.200 You're in the sand trap 17:57.200 --> 17:58.200 In the sand trap 17:58.200 --> 18:00.200 Well, that's the way it goes 18:00.200 --> 18:02.200 Doot, doot, doot, doot 18:02.200 --> 18:04.200 Doot, doot, doot, doot 18:04.200 --> 18:06.200 Give me the niblet 18:06.200 --> 18:10.200 I knew you'd come around on my way of thinking 18:10.200 --> 18:12.200 I need it for the sand trap 18:12.200 --> 18:15.200 Well, you had your chance, buddy, but you blew it 18:15.200 --> 18:18.200 Give me the niblet 18:18.200 --> 18:20.200 Okay 18:20.200 --> 18:22.200 Doot, doot, doot, doot 18:22.200 --> 18:24.200 Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot 18:24.200 --> 18:28.200 Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot 18:28.200 --> 18:30.200 Welcome to Pittsburgh 18:30.200 --> 18:45.200 Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot 18:45.200 --> 18:49.200 You don't think I saw him cheat? 18:49.200 --> 18:51.200 Well, what do you know? 18:51.200 --> 18:53.200 Finally made it 18:53.200 --> 18:54.200 Pretty good, boy 18:54.200 --> 18:55.200 Yeah 18:55.200 --> 18:56.200 What's the par on this hole? 18:56.200 --> 18:57.200 Oh, three, sir 18:57.200 --> 18:58.200 Just made it 18:58.200 --> 19:00.200 Three 19:00.200 --> 19:01.200 Well, that's the way it goes 19:01.200 --> 19:03.200 I'll have none of this, sir 19:03.200 --> 19:04.200 Put down three 19:04.200 --> 19:05.200 I certainly will not, sir 19:05.200 --> 19:07.200 I belong to the Caddies Association 19:07.200 --> 19:09.200 And we're known for honesty 19:09.200 --> 19:11.200 For the heart and soul of a dignified man 19:11.200 --> 19:14.200 To go on through life doing the honest thing 19:14.200 --> 19:15.200 Never to cheat 19:15.200 --> 19:16.200 Never to do the wrong thing 19:16.200 --> 19:20.200 And I certainly won't be any part of any fraud 19:20.200 --> 19:22.200 That you want to be any part of 19:22.200 --> 19:25.200 All right, I'll admit 19:25.200 --> 19:27.200 I cheated a wee bit 19:27.200 --> 19:28.200 Yes, sir 19:28.200 --> 19:29.200 Give me four 19:29.200 --> 19:30.200 That's different 19:30.200 --> 19:31.200 Hello, darling 19:31.200 --> 19:32.200 Hello 19:32.200 --> 19:33.200 Hello, where you been? 19:33.200 --> 19:36.200 I thought I'd find you out here 19:36.200 --> 19:38.200 In the sand trap again 19:38.200 --> 19:40.200 He's in the trap again 19:40.200 --> 19:41.200 Well, then 19:41.200 --> 19:42.200 How is he? 19:42.200 --> 19:43.200 Oh, yes, this Mel 19:43.200 --> 19:44.200 This is Melvin 19:44.200 --> 19:45.200 This is Phyllis 19:45.200 --> 19:46.200 Hello, Melvin 19:46.200 --> 19:47.200 Hello 19:47.200 --> 19:48.200 Melvin? 19:48.200 --> 19:51.200 What is this bitch? 19:51.200 --> 19:52.200 What do you call this? 19:52.200 --> 19:53.200 You met me 19:53.200 --> 19:54.200 You said Melvin 19:54.200 --> 19:55.200 Melvin? 19:55.200 --> 19:57.200 And then she says, hello, Mel 19:57.200 --> 19:59.200 Melvin? 19:59.200 --> 20:00.200 Now, I guess 20:00.200 --> 20:02.200 What if I said, hello, Phyllis? 20:02.200 --> 20:03.200 Phyllis? 20:03.200 --> 20:04.200 Rosie? 20:04.200 --> 20:05.200 Dean? 20:05.200 --> 20:06.200 What's wrong with my name? 20:06.200 --> 20:07.200 Melvin 20:07.200 --> 20:08.200 M-E-L-B-I 20:08.200 --> 20:09.200 Melvin 20:09.200 --> 20:10.200 N-E 20:10.200 --> 20:12.200 Melvin? 20:12.200 --> 20:15.200 I was talking about Melvin 20:15.200 --> 20:17.200 Get off of this truck 20:17.200 --> 20:18.200 I'm not getting off 20:18.200 --> 20:19.200 I work here 20:19.200 --> 20:20.200 Get out of this truck 20:20.200 --> 20:21.200 Oh, darling 20:21.200 --> 20:22.200 I'll give you some of this 20:22.200 --> 20:23.200 Stop it 20:23.200 --> 20:24.200 He's just a young boy 20:24.200 --> 20:26.200 I don't want you to be cross with him 20:26.200 --> 20:27.200 He's a young boy 20:27.200 --> 20:28.200 You want to bet? 20:28.200 --> 20:30.200 Now, supposing he'd like to play golf 20:30.200 --> 20:31.200 Did you ever think of that? 20:31.200 --> 20:32.200 Come on, Melvin 20:32.200 --> 20:34.200 I'll show you how, honey 20:34.200 --> 20:36.200 Get your hands off me, lady 20:36.200 --> 20:37.200 I don't even know you 20:37.200 --> 20:41.200 Phyllis, this is Melvin 20:41.200 --> 20:42.200 Melvin 20:42.200 --> 20:48.200 All right, you show me how you hit a ball 20:48.200 --> 20:50.200 I know how to hit a ball, lady 20:50.200 --> 20:51.200 Well, show me 20:51.200 --> 21:01.200 You hit your hands yourself, buddy 21:01.200 --> 21:03.200 I didn't touch you 21:03.200 --> 21:06.200 I'm warning you 21:06.200 --> 21:07.200 I didn't touch you 21:07.200 --> 21:10.200 Somebody is knocking the devil out of me 21:10.200 --> 21:15.200 Now, why don't you stop? 21:15.200 --> 21:16.200 You don't know how to play golf 21:16.200 --> 21:17.200 I want to show you a good trick 21:17.200 --> 21:19.200 You remember William Cowell? 21:19.200 --> 21:22.200 Sure, he used to play with Duke Ellington, didn't he? 21:22.200 --> 21:23.200 No 21:23.200 --> 21:24.200 No 21:24.200 --> 21:29.200 William Cowell happened to shoot an apple off of somebody's head 21:29.200 --> 21:30.200 You're kidding 21:30.200 --> 21:31.200 No, I'm Italian 21:31.200 --> 21:32.200 What's the lie? 21:32.200 --> 21:35.200 God, you got a good trick, you see 21:35.200 --> 21:39.200 I'm going to shoot a golf ball off of your head 21:39.200 --> 21:41.200 Well, good night 21:41.200 --> 21:42.200 Here we go 21:42.200 --> 21:44.200 Oh, darling, you think you're sure? 21:44.200 --> 21:45.200 It's in the script 21:45.200 --> 21:46.200 I know what to do 21:46.200 --> 21:47.200 Lay down here 21:47.200 --> 21:49.200 I don't think you know what you're doing, sir 21:49.200 --> 21:51.200 I know what I'm doing, sir 21:51.200 --> 21:52.200 Yeah, but I'm not sure, sir 21:52.200 --> 21:53.200 Yeah, here, now, you hold it right 21:53.200 --> 21:55.200 I'll just pull it up right here 21:55.200 --> 21:57.200 You hold it there 21:57.200 --> 22:02.200 Yeah, now I'll get my driver out 22:02.200 --> 22:03.200 I'm very scared 22:03.200 --> 22:05.200 I don't mind telling you 22:05.200 --> 22:06.200 Oh, you got it 22:06.200 --> 22:09.200 This is one of my better tricks 22:09.200 --> 22:11.200 All right, now, ready? 22:11.200 --> 22:12.200 Here we go 22:12.200 --> 22:19.200 Give me my ball 22:19.200 --> 22:30.200 Give me my ball, Melvin 22:30.200 --> 22:34.200 Melvin 22:34.200 --> 22:43.200 Melvin 22:43.200 --> 22:50.200 No 22:50.200 --> 22:56.200 All right 22:56.200 --> 22:59.200 How do you feel? 22:59.200 --> 23:01.200 I didn't mind that at all 23:01.200 --> 23:02.200 You didn't mind it? 23:02.200 --> 23:03.200 No, I enjoyed that first one 23:03.200 --> 23:04.200 Want to play some more? 23:04.200 --> 23:06.200 I got a little punchy, but that was fun 23:06.200 --> 23:08.200 I like to swing that ball 23:08.200 --> 23:09.200 I get up every other morning 23:09.200 --> 23:10.200 I have to have a hot wine 23:10.200 --> 23:11.200 I want to swing that ball 23:11.200 --> 23:13.200 I have no one else to have a wine 23:13.200 --> 23:14.200 Never had it wrong 23:14.200 --> 23:28.200 It's not very pretty, is it? 23:28.200 --> 23:31.200 A dirty, greasy frying pan 23:31.200 --> 23:34.200 Rusted with burned bits of fried liver 23:34.200 --> 23:36.200 And it's not at all easy to clean either 23:36.200 --> 23:40.200 Unless you do it with Ajax, the foaming cleanser 23:40.200 --> 23:42.200 Because Ajax cleans your pots and pans 23:42.200 --> 23:44.200 Twice as easy and twice as fast 23:44.200 --> 23:46.200 As any other leading cleanser 23:46.200 --> 23:48.200 Just watch 23:48.200 --> 23:50.200 I shake Ajax in 23:50.200 --> 23:52.200 Just a little 23:52.200 --> 23:56.200 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh 23:56.200 --> 24:00.200 Those foaming action suds go right to work 24:00.200 --> 24:03.200 It's a dirty, greasy, dirty, dirty 24:03.200 --> 24:08.200 Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm 24:08.200 --> 24:12.200 Floating it right down the drain 24:12.200 --> 24:16.200 Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm 24:16.200 --> 24:23.200 Ah, your pan shines like a bright new penny 24:23.200 --> 24:26.200 And there are many other things you'll like about Ajax 24:26.200 --> 24:28.200 It polishes as it cleans 24:28.200 --> 24:30.200 There's no gritty cleanser scum 24:30.200 --> 24:32.200 It's kind to your hands 24:32.200 --> 24:35.200 And it has a wonderful fragrance 24:35.200 --> 24:37.200 Get two cans of Ajax 24:37.200 --> 24:38.200 One to use in the kitchen 24:38.200 --> 24:40.200 And one for the bathroom, too 24:40.200 --> 24:44.200 Ajax, the foaming cleanser 24:44.200 --> 25:00.200 I'm tired 25:00.200 --> 25:04.200 Ladies and gentlemen, Dean and I are very, very proud to say that 25:04.200 --> 25:08.200 We introduced two young people on our show on February the 4th 25:08.200 --> 25:11.200 They did such a magnificent job that we had to ask them to come back 25:11.200 --> 25:13.200 We'd pay them 25:13.200 --> 25:16.200 So, they're very wonderful performers 25:16.200 --> 25:19.200 We'd like you to see this very wonderful number they're about to do 25:19.200 --> 25:22.200 Bob Fosse, Corey Oggrograft 25:22.200 --> 25:24.200 Claire Gregorraft 25:24.200 --> 25:26.200 He showed them how to do it 25:26.200 --> 25:30.200 And, uh, he's a very lovely cohort 25:30.200 --> 25:31.200 Miss Marion Isles 25:31.200 --> 25:34.200 We show you the very beautiful conception of their premise 25:34.200 --> 25:37.200 Of a word entitled, you've never loved but still in awe 25:37.200 --> 25:39.200 Well 25:39.200 --> 25:54.200 JiTRON 29:54.200 --> 30:01.200 Thank you for seeing us. 30:01.200 --> 30:17.280 Ladies and gentlemen, we just finished the picture in Hollywood for our boss, Mr. Hal 30:17.280 --> 30:18.840 Wallace, called That's My Boy. 30:18.840 --> 30:22.960 And the young lady I'm about to introduce had nothing at all to do with the picture. 30:22.960 --> 30:25.800 I just thought I'd put in a plug. 30:25.800 --> 30:30.520 But this young lady, you've heard many, many of her records. 30:30.520 --> 30:37.920 She was with Mr. Jimmy Dorsey, a lovely singer of songs, a great talent, a different voice, 30:37.920 --> 30:40.920 the beautiful, lovely Miss Helen O'Connell. 30:40.920 --> 30:55.800 All of me, why not take all of me? 30:55.800 --> 31:02.680 Can't you see I'm no good without you? 31:02.680 --> 31:09.080 Take my arms, I'll never use them. 31:09.080 --> 31:15.080 Take my lips, I wanna lose them. 31:15.080 --> 31:23.040 Your goodbye left me with eyes that cry. 31:23.040 --> 31:30.040 How can I go on dear without you? 31:30.040 --> 31:36.040 You took the part that once was my heart. 31:36.040 --> 31:43.040 So why not take all of me? 31:43.040 --> 31:51.040 Soft love and I could not live without you. 31:51.040 --> 31:58.040 My soul a longing, a thirst for love divine. 31:58.040 --> 32:06.040 Dreams I seem to hold you, to find you and enfold you. 32:06.040 --> 32:14.040 Our lips meet and our hearts too, with a thrill so sublime. 32:14.040 --> 32:23.040 Those cool and limp green eyes, a pull where in my long lines. 32:23.040 --> 32:30.040 So deep that in my searching for happiness I fear. 32:30.040 --> 32:38.040 That they will ever haunt me, all through my life they'll haunt me. 32:38.040 --> 32:42.040 But will they ever want me? 32:42.040 --> 32:46.040 Green eyes, I love you. 32:46.040 --> 33:01.040 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. 33:01.040 --> 33:06.040 And now I'd like to sing my favorite encore. 33:06.040 --> 33:10.040 Hello everybody, hello. 33:10.040 --> 33:14.040 Hello is the shampoo that glorifies your hair. 33:14.040 --> 33:18.040 Hello, hello everybody, hello. 33:18.040 --> 33:22.040 Hello shampoo, hello. 33:22.040 --> 33:30.040 Applause 33:30.040 --> 33:31.040 Thank you, thank you Helen. 33:31.040 --> 33:33.040 You know that's my favorite encore too. 33:33.040 --> 33:35.040 Now Mike, before you say anything else, 33:35.040 --> 33:37.040 there's something I'd like to say about Halo. 33:37.040 --> 33:38.040 What's that? 33:38.040 --> 33:39.040 I love it. 33:39.040 --> 33:43.040 I find that no other shampoo leaves my hair so soft and shiny. 33:43.040 --> 33:44.040 And you're so right Helen. 33:44.040 --> 33:49.040 You see, Halo, Halo is the shampoo that glorifies your hair. 33:49.040 --> 33:52.040 Soap in your hair with even the finest liquid or oily cream shampoos, 33:52.040 --> 33:56.040 hides its natural luster under a dulling soap film. 33:56.040 --> 34:00.040 But not Halo because Halo is not a soap, it's not a cream. 34:00.040 --> 34:03.040 It contains a patented ingredient, 34:03.040 --> 34:06.040 so that it just can't leave that dirt catching film on hair. 34:06.040 --> 34:11.040 And what's more Mike, Halo gives oceans of lather in even the hardest water. 34:11.040 --> 34:14.040 Yet it rinses away so quickly, you need no extra rinse. 34:14.040 --> 34:17.040 So remember, soaping dulls hair. 34:17.040 --> 34:19.040 Halo glorifies it. 34:19.040 --> 34:22.040 Halo, America's favorite shampoo. 34:22.040 --> 34:28.040 So Halo everybody, hello. 34:28.040 --> 34:32.040 Halo shampoo, hello. 34:32.040 --> 34:50.040 Thank you. 34:50.040 --> 34:58.040 Thank you. 34:58.040 --> 35:14.040 Come here, someone's sick. 35:14.040 --> 35:22.040 Don't talk loud in the library. 35:22.040 --> 35:24.040 Do you have to chew that loud? 35:24.040 --> 35:50.040 I paid a penny and I'm going to get my penny's worth, swerve. 35:50.040 --> 36:15.040 I'm going to get my penny's worth. 36:15.040 --> 36:32.040 Don't shush me, I run this library. 36:32.040 --> 36:34.040 Is it a civil servant job? 36:34.040 --> 36:35.040 Yes. 36:35.040 --> 36:36.040 Well let's be a little more civil. 36:36.040 --> 36:44.040 Now what is it? 36:44.040 --> 36:45.040 What can I do for you? 36:45.040 --> 36:48.040 Oh I don't know, I just sang here and I want to return some of these books. 36:48.040 --> 36:52.040 Why, what's wrong with them? 36:52.040 --> 36:54.040 Oh, there's nothing wrong with them sir. 36:54.040 --> 36:57.040 I just finished them using them and I don't want them no more. 36:57.040 --> 36:58.040 Alright, let me have them. 36:58.040 --> 36:59.040 Alrighty. 36:59.040 --> 37:01.040 Abba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba. 37:01.040 --> 37:02.040 Come on, come on. 37:02.040 --> 37:03.040 Birdie do da we oh. 37:03.040 --> 37:22.040 Oh stony day lo do do. 37:22.040 --> 37:38.040 Oh stony day lo do do do. 37:38.040 --> 37:40.040 You sure read a lot, don't you? 37:40.040 --> 37:43.040 Oh no sir, I just use these to build tunnels for my electric fence. 37:43.040 --> 37:44.040 Get out of my way. 37:44.040 --> 37:45.040 What is that? 37:45.040 --> 37:46.040 This is for our electric fence. 37:46.040 --> 37:52.040 What is that? 37:52.040 --> 37:56.040 This is for our weenie roast down at the annual Wye Dam Sunday. 37:56.040 --> 38:01.040 Alright, give me your card. 38:01.040 --> 38:03.040 Give me your card will you buddy? 38:03.040 --> 38:05.040 I must have left my card at home. 38:05.040 --> 38:07.040 I don't care where you must have left it. 38:07.040 --> 38:08.040 Give me the card. 38:08.040 --> 38:10.040 I don't got it. 38:10.040 --> 38:12.040 You don't got it? 38:12.040 --> 38:15.040 What kind of English is this, I don't got it? 38:15.040 --> 38:19.040 That's as bad as up the street the soldiers, they're coming down. 38:19.040 --> 38:23.040 We're gonna talk English next time goodbye foster. 38:23.040 --> 38:24.040 What do you want from me? 38:24.040 --> 38:25.040 All I know is I ain't got a card. 38:25.040 --> 38:26.040 What do you want? 38:26.040 --> 38:27.040 Well, get a card. 38:27.040 --> 38:29.040 Maybe I can borrow my friend Herbie's. 38:29.040 --> 38:31.040 Go ahead, borrow Herbie's. 38:31.040 --> 38:32.040 How cool Herbie? 38:32.040 --> 38:33.040 Where's Herbie live? 38:33.040 --> 38:34.040 Oh, just about a mile from here. 38:34.040 --> 38:35.040 Alright, call him. 38:35.040 --> 38:36.040 Herbie! 38:36.040 --> 38:37.040 Well, Herbie, what's up? 38:37.040 --> 38:45.040 I'm calling. 38:45.040 --> 38:46.040 Herbie! 38:46.040 --> 38:47.040 Well, he's gotta hear me, don't he? 38:47.040 --> 38:48.040 Use the telephone. 38:48.040 --> 38:49.040 Oh. 38:49.040 --> 38:50.040 Hello, Herbie. 38:50.040 --> 38:51.040 Ask the operator for the number. 38:51.040 --> 38:52.040 Operator, do you know Herbie? 38:52.040 --> 38:53.040 Give me the number. 38:53.040 --> 38:54.040 The operator's name is Herbie. 38:54.040 --> 38:55.040 Now come on, Melvin. 38:55.040 --> 38:56.040 Melvin? 38:56.040 --> 38:57.040 No, that's the other name. 38:57.040 --> 38:58.040 Melvin. 38:58.040 --> 38:59.040 Melvin. 38:59.040 --> 39:00.040 Melvin. 39:00.040 --> 39:01.040 Melvin. 39:01.040 --> 39:02.040 Melvin. 39:02.040 --> 39:03.040 Melvin. 39:03.040 --> 39:04.040 Melvin. 39:04.040 --> 39:05.040 Melvin. 39:05.040 --> 39:06.040 Melvin. 39:06.040 --> 39:07.040 Melvin. 39:07.040 --> 39:08.040 Melvin. 39:08.040 --> 39:09.040 Oh, operator. 39:09.040 --> 39:30.060 Would you please be good enough to give me Academy 72467, 24771, 329984, 72111111111118239, 726654444444298333333362983333362988833 APIY, are you here? 39:30.060 --> 39:34.240 Yes, I am. 39:34.240 --> 39:35.840 Can I ask you a question? 39:35.840 --> 39:36.840 Ah! 39:39.540 --> 39:43.840 Sorry, the number's been changed to Academy 3. 39:44.240 --> 39:55.340 1-6-5-8-4-7-3-6-5-7-8-9-5-4-6-8-9! 39:55.340 --> 40:08.340 Now you go on, get out of here! 40:08.340 --> 40:08.840 Alright, I'm... 40:08.840 --> 40:11.340 Do you hear me? Get out of here! 40:13.840 --> 40:15.340 Boy, oh boy, sir! 40:15.340 --> 40:20.340 If I ran a library, if I even worked in one, I would never ever treat kids like that! 40:20.340 --> 40:21.340 You sure? 40:21.340 --> 40:22.340 Sure I'm sure! 40:22.340 --> 40:24.340 Well, I'm looking for a man like you. 40:24.340 --> 40:26.340 You like to have a job, Newton? 40:28.340 --> 40:29.340 I'm saying yes. 40:29.340 --> 40:30.340 Yes! 40:44.340 --> 40:45.340 I can't even get through the line. 40:47.340 --> 40:49.340 Now, you know what you have to do in a library? 40:49.340 --> 40:50.340 No, sir. 40:50.340 --> 40:52.340 You keep the books in place. 40:52.340 --> 40:52.840 Yes. 40:52.840 --> 40:55.340 Keep them nice and neat and clean and above all... 40:55.340 --> 40:56.340 Above all? 40:56.340 --> 40:59.340 Keep those people quiet. 41:00.340 --> 41:04.340 Yes, sir, you are now in charge. 41:08.840 --> 41:13.340 Alright, let's keep this quiet in here! 41:17.340 --> 41:21.340 We don't want Tegelstampin' talking to make a noise! 41:21.340 --> 41:24.340 Because we're running a library here! 41:31.340 --> 41:32.340 Shut up! 41:34.340 --> 41:37.340 No coughing in the library! Let's keep it quiet, buddy! 41:37.340 --> 41:39.340 Let's keep it quiet, buddy! 41:39.340 --> 41:42.340 No coughing in the library! 41:42.340 --> 41:44.340 Let's keep it quiet in the library! 41:44.340 --> 41:47.340 We don't want people being in the library! 41:47.340 --> 41:49.340 Shut up! 41:49.340 --> 41:51.340 Shut up! 41:57.340 --> 41:59.340 You're ruining me! 41:59.340 --> 42:01.340 Aren't you overacting a little? 42:03.340 --> 42:04.340 No! 42:04.340 --> 42:06.340 I'm overacting here! 42:07.340 --> 42:10.340 Well, it looks like you were dying for a minute. 42:11.340 --> 42:14.340 I'm going to give you another chance! 42:14.340 --> 42:18.340 Come on, let's do this sketch, get the money and get out of here! 42:19.340 --> 42:21.340 See this customer coming in? 42:21.340 --> 42:22.340 Yeah! 42:22.340 --> 42:23.340 Check him out! 42:23.340 --> 42:26.340 Yes, sir! I can do that fine! I watched the way you did, sir! 42:27.340 --> 42:29.340 I'd like to take this book out! 42:29.340 --> 42:30.340 Alright! 42:32.340 --> 42:34.340 Both of them, they like me! 42:34.340 --> 42:36.340 Alright, stamp him out! 42:36.340 --> 42:38.340 Yes, sirree, boys! 42:38.340 --> 42:44.340 Stamp this man out! 43:39.340 --> 43:41.340 Ah! 43:41.340 --> 43:43.340 Ah! 43:43.340 --> 43:47.340 Ah! 43:47.340 --> 43:49.340 Who you deserving? 43:52.340 --> 43:54.340 Get out of my place! Get out of my library! 43:54.340 --> 43:57.340 I'm not leaving until I get the book I came for, sir! 43:57.340 --> 43:59.340 You promised you wouldn't leave! 43:59.340 --> 44:01.340 You promised! 44:01.340 --> 44:03.340 Yes, I'll leave, but first I want that book I came for! 44:03.340 --> 44:05.340 Alright! What would you like to read? 44:05.340 --> 44:08.340 Gulliver's Travels! 44:08.340 --> 44:09.340 Gulliver's what? 44:09.340 --> 44:11.340 Gulliver's Travels, and I want the book now! 44:11.340 --> 44:12.340 Gulliver's Travels? 44:12.340 --> 44:13.340 Yes, sir! 44:13.340 --> 44:16.340 Do you happen to know where that book is? 44:16.340 --> 44:18.340 No, I don't, but I want that book! 44:18.340 --> 44:20.340 No, no, no, no, no, no! 44:20.340 --> 44:21.340 Will you get the book? 44:21.340 --> 44:23.340 Yes, sir, if I will! 44:23.340 --> 44:25.340 It's up there! 44:26.340 --> 44:28.340 I want that book, and I'm not leaving until I get it! 44:28.340 --> 44:30.340 Well, I haven't got a ladder, and we can't get it! 44:30.340 --> 44:32.340 I want a book! 44:32.340 --> 44:33.340 Humphrey! 44:33.340 --> 44:35.340 Humphrey? 44:37.340 --> 44:39.340 You got a ladder, sir? 44:39.340 --> 44:40.340 I got it! 44:40.340 --> 44:41.340 No, no, no, no, no, no! 44:41.340 --> 44:44.340 I got the ladder, the ladder's broken, but maybe we can help him out some other way, okay? 44:44.340 --> 44:47.340 We'll put the table up here instead, and put a chair up there. 44:47.340 --> 44:48.340 That's a good way, Humphrey! 44:48.340 --> 44:50.340 Let him stand on top of the chair. Get up there! 44:50.340 --> 44:51.340 Yeah, go ahead, get up! 44:51.340 --> 44:53.340 Do I have to go get the book? 44:56.340 --> 44:57.340 Did you reach it? 44:57.340 --> 45:03.340 No, I didn't! 45:03.340 --> 45:06.340 We'll use the bottle to put it up here. 45:06.340 --> 45:08.340 Put the chair up there? 45:08.340 --> 45:09.340 How do you like that? 45:09.340 --> 45:10.340 I don't like that! 45:10.340 --> 45:11.340 Oh, yes you do! 45:11.340 --> 45:13.340 Let me read that nice book over there! 45:13.340 --> 45:16.340 All you want, Gulliver's Travels, you're gonna get it, shorty! 45:16.340 --> 45:17.340 I don't want to read it. 45:17.340 --> 45:18.340 Get up here! 45:18.340 --> 45:19.340 There you go! 45:19.340 --> 45:20.340 Did you drop your hat, Melvin? 45:20.340 --> 45:21.340 Ooh, Melvin? 45:21.340 --> 45:22.340 Not with the other book! 45:22.340 --> 45:24.340 Get up here! 45:24.340 --> 45:25.340 Get up here first, okay? 45:25.340 --> 45:26.340 Step on him! 45:26.340 --> 45:27.340 Why does he have to? 45:27.340 --> 45:29.340 I don't know, but I'm lost! 45:33.340 --> 45:34.340 Put your head up there first. 45:34.340 --> 45:37.340 Put my head up there first, and one foot up here now. 45:37.340 --> 45:38.340 That's his foot. 45:38.340 --> 45:39.340 One foot! 45:39.340 --> 45:40.340 All the way forward, all the way forward. 45:40.340 --> 45:42.340 Don't worry, I'm gonna chew, buddy. 45:42.340 --> 45:44.340 Now stand on the chair. Just stand on the chair. 45:44.340 --> 45:45.340 Stand on the chair? 45:45.340 --> 45:47.340 Stand up there. Now stand all the way up. 45:47.340 --> 45:48.340 All the way up. 45:50.340 --> 45:51.340 No, I don't want to do it. 45:51.340 --> 45:52.340 No, come on, sit! 45:52.340 --> 45:53.340 Now straighten your body all the way up. 45:53.340 --> 45:54.340 Just straighten your body all the way up. 45:54.340 --> 45:55.340 That's right. Now turn and face me! 45:55.340 --> 45:56.340 Go ahead. 45:56.340 --> 45:57.340 Perfect. 45:57.340 --> 45:58.340 Turn to feed, too. 45:58.340 --> 45:59.340 Excuse him! Excuse him! 45:59.340 --> 46:00.340 Turn! 46:00.340 --> 46:01.340 They must be listening. 46:05.340 --> 46:06.340 Now get the book! 46:07.340 --> 46:08.340 No, wait. Here, take this chair. 46:08.340 --> 46:09.340 Yeah, I'm gonna get it. 46:09.340 --> 46:10.340 Put that chair up there. 46:10.340 --> 46:11.340 I don't want company up here! 46:13.340 --> 46:14.340 Aah! 46:16.340 --> 46:17.340 Just hold him in the chair. 46:17.340 --> 46:18.340 Let me help you up here. 46:18.340 --> 46:20.340 That's it. Now watch yourself. 46:20.340 --> 46:21.340 Now hold on this real tight. 46:21.340 --> 46:22.340 I'm scared! 46:22.340 --> 46:23.340 I'm not scared! 46:23.340 --> 46:24.340 I'm scared! 46:24.340 --> 46:25.340 No, I am! 46:25.340 --> 46:26.340 I'm feeling scared! 46:28.340 --> 46:29.340 No, no. Don't shake it! 46:29.340 --> 46:32.340 Oh no, don't shake it, no. 46:32.340 --> 46:33.340 Oh no, don't shake it! 46:33.340 --> 46:34.340 Oh no, don't laugh. 46:36.340 --> 46:37.340 Oh please don't shake it! 46:41.340 --> 46:42.340 I don't check your lip, 46:42.340 --> 46:43.340 but don't shake it. 46:45.340 --> 46:35.340 Tell the doctor... 46:48.340 --> 46:49.340 tell him not to shake it! 46:49.340 --> 46:51.340 I don't think you want to go. 46:51.340 --> 46:53.340 Don't take it! 46:53.340 --> 46:55.340 Get up! Get up there! 46:55.340 --> 46:57.340 Slide down! Slide! 46:57.340 --> 46:59.340 No I can't. No I can't. 46:59.340 --> 47:01.340 You can't move? I can't move. 47:01.340 --> 47:03.340 You positive? 47:03.340 --> 47:05.340 I'm sure I can't move. 47:05.340 --> 47:07.340 You sure you can't move? Yeah I'm positive. 47:07.340 --> 47:09.340 Come here. Go and see if you can get some other books. 47:09.340 --> 47:11.340 Okay. Good night Humphrey. 47:11.340 --> 47:13.340 Well, what are you going to do? 47:13.340 --> 47:15.340 Not much I can move. 47:15.340 --> 47:17.340 You positive you can't move? Yeah I'm sure. 47:17.340 --> 47:19.340 Hahahahaha. 47:19.340 --> 47:21.340 Hahahahaha. 47:21.340 --> 47:23.340 Hahahahaha 47:23.340 --> 47:25.340 C'mon now help me, I'm seeing my boss. 47:25.340 --> 47:27.340 My new boss! 47:27.340 --> 47:33.340 Hoooooray! 47:33.340 --> 47:41.340 Applause. 47:41.340 --> 47:43.340 And now, Halo presents 47:43.340 --> 47:45.340 the Lonely Lady of the Sea 47:45.340 --> 47:51.100 And the lovely lady of the islands, Miss Norma Calderon of the musical hit, South Pacific. 47:55.180 --> 47:58.060 Hello everybody, hello. 47:58.060 --> 48:02.300 Halo Shampoo presents the inside story of the Lonesome Mermaid. 48:02.300 --> 48:06.460 What can I do about my hair? It's so dull and stringy looking. 48:06.460 --> 48:11.100 The sailors never whistle at me anymore. And for a mermaid, that's serious. 48:11.100 --> 48:17.340 Look Toots, here's the answer to your problem. Use Halo Shampoo. Soaping dulls hair. Halo glorifies it. 48:17.340 --> 48:24.300 Halo means natural beauty. The first time that you use it. You need no special rinsing. After you use it. 48:24.300 --> 48:31.340 So Halo everybody, Halo. Halo Shampoo, Halo. 48:31.340 --> 48:43.500 Halo everybody, Halo. Halo is the shampoo that glorifies your hair. So Halo Shampoo, Halo. 48:43.500 --> 48:49.260 Remember, Halo leaves hair fragrant, dandruff free, and wonderfully easy to manage. 48:49.260 --> 48:52.060 Because Halo's not a soap, but an oily cream. 48:52.060 --> 48:58.700 So Halo everybody, Halo. Halo Shampoo, Halo. 48:58.700 --> 49:02.700 Halo Shampoo, Halo. 49:02.700 --> 49:08.940 Remember this about shampoos. Soaping dulls hair, but Halo glorifies it. 49:08.940 --> 49:16.620 Halo, made with a patented ingredient, needs no special rinse and leaves hair wonderfully easy to manage. 49:16.620 --> 49:21.100 Next time, try Halo, America's favorite shampoo. 49:21.100 --> 49:31.500 So Halo everybody, Halo. Halo is the shampoo that glorifies your hair. So Halo everybody, Halo. 49:31.500 --> 49:34.940 Halo Shampoo, Halo. 49:34.940 --> 49:57.420 Thank you very much. You're very kind, ladies and gentlemen. 49:57.420 --> 50:02.220 We'd like to say right about here. You know, Dean has a beautiful production number at the beginning of every show with girls and everything. 50:02.220 --> 50:08.060 So I went to the network. I said, why can't I do a number too? So they said, okay, you'll do it. But they didn't give me girls. 50:08.060 --> 50:12.380 They gave me fellas I should use. So I gotta do the number. Come on out, fellas. 50:12.380 --> 50:16.460 You know, it feels funny Dean uses girls, pretty girls to work with. It's nice. So I got fellas. 50:16.460 --> 50:22.700 So just to make me feel better, you'll be Selma, Audrey, Miriam, and Phyllis. All right? 50:22.700 --> 50:27.980 They'll be girls, meanwhile. This is the number that I had to get forced from recording for Capitol Records. 50:27.980 --> 50:39.260 And it's my conception of a tune called, Never Been Kissed. And I'm going to sing it for you now. 50:39.260 --> 50:47.020 Oh, I know a gal who's a treat to the eye. The boys always whistle when she passes by. 50:47.020 --> 50:55.020 She's out every night, not a night has she missed. And her mother says that she's never been kissed. 50:55.020 --> 51:04.460 What? Yeah. Never been kissed. Never been kissed. It's hard to believe that she's never been kissed. 51:04.460 --> 51:12.140 One night she went out for a row on the lake. The guy she was with dropped the oars by mistake. 51:12.140 --> 51:20.220 They drifted for hours before they were missed. But she still insists that she's never been kissed. 51:20.220 --> 51:29.820 What? She's a liar. Never been kissed. Never been kissed. It's hard to believe that she's never been kissed. 51:29.820 --> 51:37.420 Well, the young man took a liking to her. He gave her some presents of jewelry and fur, 51:37.420 --> 51:45.340 including a diamond as big as your fist. Yet she'll take note that she's never been kissed. 51:45.340 --> 51:54.540 What? Never been kissed. Never been kissed. It's hard to believe that she's never been kissed. 51:54.540 --> 52:02.220 No, there's a new book they're all talking about. Called Lessons in Love. You have read it, no doubt. 52:02.220 --> 52:09.900 I hear that it just made the bestseller list. Well, it's written by her and she's never been kissed. 52:09.900 --> 52:30.540 That's a lie. What? Never been kissed. Never been kissed. It's hard to believe that she's never been kissed. 52:30.540 --> 52:38.140 She married the best catch in town, by the way, and said to the girls that she threw her bouquet. 52:38.140 --> 52:45.420 Just keep the boys guessing and always insist that you are a girl who has never been kissed. 52:45.420 --> 52:55.340 What? Never been kissed. Never been kissed. It's hard to believe that she's never been kissed. 52:55.340 --> 53:02.780 The end of this story is sad and here's why. I saw her today with a tear in her eye. 53:02.780 --> 53:10.620 I asked her the reason why she was so blue and the answer she gave me, I'll pass on to you. 53:10.620 --> 53:23.820 What? Listen. Never been kissed. Never been kissed. She married a man who has never been kissed. 53:23.820 --> 53:39.820 What? 53:39.820 --> 53:48.620 Is that a Dean Martin singing, I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now? 53:48.620 --> 54:00.300 I wonder who's kissing her now, well wonder who's kissing her now. 54:00.300 --> 54:12.220 I wonder who's looking into her eyes, breathing sighs and telling lies. 54:12.220 --> 54:24.060 But I wonder who's buying the wine, all the lips that I used to call mine. 54:24.060 --> 54:35.980 And I wonder if she ever tells him with me, well I wonder who's kissing her now. 54:35.980 --> 54:47.900 I wonder who's buying all the wine, all the lips that I used to call mine. 54:47.900 --> 55:07.740 Well I wonder if she ever tells him with me, I wonder who's kissing her now. 55:07.740 --> 55:09.740 Thank you very much. 55:09.740 --> 55:13.740 Hey, that was terrific. I never heard you sing so good before in my life. 55:13.740 --> 55:15.740 What's the wire? 55:15.740 --> 55:21.740 The wire says we're so very happy that you will appear at the Italian welfare night of stars at the Chicago stadium May the 12th. 55:21.740 --> 55:23.740 Thank you Frank Anunzio and Johnny Kentucky. 55:23.740 --> 55:25.740 Oh, we're going to be here. 55:25.740 --> 55:27.740 We're going to be here in Chicago for this wonderful affair. 55:27.740 --> 55:29.740 And we'd like you to know that. 55:29.740 --> 55:31.740 It's a nut. 55:31.740 --> 55:33.740 Don't try and make up. 55:33.740 --> 55:35.740 Let's show them that we can also play instruments. 55:35.740 --> 55:37.740 We're going to play the number for you. 55:37.740 --> 55:39.740 What is it? What are you doing here? 55:39.740 --> 55:41.740 What do you want? Two minutes? 55:41.740 --> 55:43.740 See what he's giving us? Get out of here. 55:43.740 --> 55:45.740 Get out. We don't mind having you tell us how much time there is. 55:45.740 --> 55:47.740 But don't get in the act, buddy. 55:47.740 --> 55:49.740 It's great for you. 55:49.740 --> 55:51.740 The beautiful and thrilling 55:51.740 --> 55:53.740 Seder dance. 55:53.740 --> 56:21.740 Happy New Year. 56:21.740 --> 56:23.740 I'm going to the mine to see if there's any coal there. 56:51.740 --> 57:19.740 We'd like to do about three or four thousand other numbers for you. 57:19.740 --> 57:21.740 We're running late. 57:21.740 --> 57:23.740 So with playing of the theme on behalf of Dean and myself, 57:23.740 --> 57:25.740 we'd like to remind you that next week, Mr. Phil Silvers will appear 57:25.740 --> 57:27.740 on the Colgate Comedy Hour. 57:27.740 --> 57:29.740 Dean and I will be his guests. 57:29.740 --> 57:31.740 We're going to have a lot of fun. We'd like you to tune in. 57:31.740 --> 57:33.740 So we'd like to thank the entire show. 57:33.740 --> 57:35.740 Kingman Moore in the booth, Ernest Fluxman our producer, 57:35.740 --> 57:37.740 Ed Simmons and Norman Lear our writers. 57:37.740 --> 57:39.740 Of course, I want to thank my partner because without him, what's the sense? 57:39.740 --> 57:41.740 And I want to thank you all. 57:41.740 --> 57:43.740 So don't forget next week with Mr. Phil Silvers, 57:43.740 --> 57:45.740 a great comedian. We'll be with him. 57:45.740 --> 57:47.740 Thank you so much. You've been wonderful. Good night and God bless. 57:47.740 --> 57:49.740 Thank you. 58:17.740 --> 58:43.740 The star of the Colgate Comedy Hour. 58:43.740 --> 58:45.740 And on hand to welcome and the special guest will be 58:45.740 --> 58:47.740 Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis and Vivian Blake. 58:47.740 --> 58:49.740 Then the next week, 58:49.740 --> 58:53.740 Mr. Silvers again will star on the Comedy Hour. 58:53.740 --> 58:55.740 The following week, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis 58:55.740 --> 58:59.740 will be back once again on the Colgate Comedy Hour. 58:59.740 --> 59:01.740 And four weeks from tonight, 59:01.740 --> 59:05.740 Eddie Canter will return. 59:05.740 --> 59:09.740 And now good night from the Colgate Comedy Hour, 59:09.740 --> 59:11.740 which has been presented by the Colgate Commerle Peak Company, 59:11.740 --> 59:17.740 makers of comedy products since 1806.