The Dennis O'Keeffe Show, starring Dennis O'Keeffe.
In all around town.
Also starring Hope Emerson, Ricky Kelman, Eloise Hart, Eddie Ryder.
Brought to you by Oldsmobile, in behalf of your local authorized Oldsmobile quality dealer.
Dad, won't you put a little item in your column, that I still have ten tickets to get rid of?
Oh, come on Randy.
I already bought any of those tickets for your boy scout jamboree.
One of the first things I learned when I was a scout was not to bankrupt your father.
Then how am I going to unload these?
It's easy.
You just ring the bell, when they open up you say, good morning sir, would you like to buy
a ticket to the boy scout jamboree?
And you flash that winning smile of yours and you just watch them dig in their pockets.
Come on, give.
Good morning sir.
Would you like to buy a ticket to the boy scout jamboree?
Yes son, I'd be very happy to.
Here you are.
And my ticket please.
Gee dad, I put the whammy on you.
Long time ago Randy, long time ago.
Good morning madam.
Would you like to turn it off boy?
You already nailed me for four.
Come on Randy, I don't have to go to the office for an hour yet.
I'll get you started.
No I don't want to keep all this cash in the apartment overnight.
Somebody might walk in here and...
Get over here Bonnie, get over here as quick as you can.
Oh, good morning sir.
I'm Hal Town, this is my son Randy, we live just down the hall.
Yeah, what do you want?
We're selling tickets for the boy scout jamboree.
Likely story.
You never take no for an answer.
Get out of here, get out of here.
Take that midget away.
Don't let him get you down son.
He was probably drummed out of the boy scouts.
All that money he had on him, you think he could afford a dollar?
Yeah wouldn't you?
Well Mrs. Harmon will give us a much friendlier reception.
Dad, she moved out last week.
People by the name of Valentine live here now.
Oh, is that so?
Hello.
How do you do?
I'm Hal Town, this is my son Randy, we're your neighbors in 12A.
It's so nice to meet my neighbors.
I'm Mrs. Valentine.
Mrs. Valentine.
I wonder if we could interest you in a ticket to the boy scout jamboree.
They're only one dollar.
You wait right here, I'll get some money for my husband.
Julius, there's the nicest man in his son outside.
They'd like us to buy a ticket to the boy scout jamboree.
It's only a dollar.
Of course my dear.
Not that one, I just printed it, it's still wet.
I think that little boy would like some of my cookies.
Dear, you're not as young as you used to be.
You should cut down on your baking.
Well as long as we're using the stove to dry money, it's a shame to waste the gas.
It's dry.
I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.
Oh, we have our five dollar bill.
That's quite all right, there's a change right here.
Let's see, there's your dollar, Randy.
One, two, three, four, and there is your change, Mrs. Valentine.
And here's your ticket.
These are for you, Randy.
They are?
Thanks a lot.
Oh, fresh cookies.
Oh, don't forget, that ticket is deductible.
Besides, the man in the grocery store says you gave him that bill.
I say again, Mr. Pulaski, I don't care if you are with the Treasury Department.
Oh, Sarge, wait a minute, Dan's not calling you a counterfeiter.
All he's saying is that you're the one that passed the 45 to the grocery clerk.
Henry, I never thought I'd live to see the day that you would hang a bum rap on me.
I'm quitting.
Now, wait a minute, Sarge, you're not quitting.
What's the matter with you, Dan?
How can you offend her like that?
All Dan wants to know is who gave you the 45 so he can throw him in the clink.
Now, think, who gave it to you?
You gave it to me.
We're getting to...
Well, she's right, yes, I did give her a five dollar bill.
But I also gave you two tens.
Now, come on, Sarge, tell the nice man.
Where did you spend your money?
Who gave you some change?
Well, I took a cha-cha lesson for three dollars.
I made a down payment on a yacht.
And I blew ten dollars in a beauty parlor having my hair dyed green.
You talked to William?
No, not even if she's printing the money herself.
There's only one, Sarge, and I'm not going to lose him.
Say, say, Dan, there's a very slinky character who lives down the corridor here by the name
of Beckwith.
He could be the funny you're after.
Kenzie, Valentine's brought more cookies for Randy.
Oh, how nice.
Mr. Tom, I just finished this book.
I thought maybe you'd like to read it.
It's very good.
Oh, thank you very much.
Your hobby is your happiness.
My style.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Mr. and Mrs. Valentine, Mr. Dan Pulaski.
Oh.
How do you do?
Hey, I sold all my tickets except these four.
Boy, that smile gimmick really paid off.
If those are your last four, Julius and I will buy two more.
You will?
Gee, thanks.
Two weapons, dear.
Yes, ma'am.
Here you are, son.
Thank you, dear.
I'll take your last two, son.
Wow, what a day.
I've only got a ten dollar bill.
Can you change it?
Oh, I can.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
Thank you.
There you are, son.
Dad, have you changed for a five?
Yeah, I think so.
Let's see here.
There we are.
One, two, three, four, five.
There, honey.
Right.
Thank you, son.
Well, I've got a report in.
Tell Miss Hadley and your secretary that I'm going to be back in a few minutes.
Yeah, well, wait a minute, Dan.
I'm going down there right now myself.
I'll ride down town with you.
I can call Miss Hadley from there.
Good for being passed the register.
Three square blocks.
I'm going to nab that counterfeit if I have to search every apartment in this neighborhood.
Good boy.
Don't forget this backwards, fella.
Who is Mr. Pulaski?
He's a tea man.
And with him on the case, that counterfeiter doesn't stand a chance.
Well, Sarge, I've got to go turn in the rest of my scout money now.
Well, I'm your way back, Randy.
Would you stop at the grocery store and get me a...
I have over $300 on me.
You've got to give me the money.
I'm going to get you a new one.
I'm going to get you a new one.
I'm going to get you a new one.
I'm going to get you a new one.
I'm going to get you a new one.
I'm going to get you a new one.
I'm going to get you a new one.
And hurry right back.
I will.
Miss Sargent, if you'd like, I'll write out the recipe for the cookies.
I'd love to have it.
There's a trick about васzing the PAN that I want to show you, so let's go into the
kitchen.
Julius, why don't you occupy yourself with a book.
There's nothing like a book to get rid of your problems.
We really resent being implicated in this ugly counterfeiting mess.
I have a family name to uphold.
Oh, stop getting your five-better cap in an uproar.
All right, I confess. My publicity business is a cover-up for my counterfeiting racket.
Slap the handcuffs on me.
Karen, you know as well as I do that Dan Pulaski doesn't think either one of you have anything to do with the counterfeiting.
He's just trying to trace those phony five-dollar bills.
Were you late?
I guess I am.
Would you like to know why I'm late?
Yes.
I was detained.
All.
At the city jail for trying to pass this phony five-dollar bill.
You know Julius, this convertible printing press is such a clever idea.
It's a shame you couldn't exhibit it at the home show.
It is too bad.
But I don't have my invention patented.
And I'm afraid some fellow might steal the idea.
Well, anyway, I know what a creative person you are.
And you're very creative too, dear.
Aye, this is a magnificent piece of work.
Oh, it was my first fling at needlepoint.
Good.
Good.
No answer from the Beckwood Department. The coast is clear.
Now, now, is it absolutely necessary to involve me?
I'm very happy to serve as your secretary, but not as your cellmate.
I know there's no sing-sing fever connected with this, Elliot.
I just want you to stick around and rush the story to the paper when I crack the case.
Well, what makes you so positive that Beckwood's the counterfeiter?
One, when Randy and I knocked on his door the other day, he was afraid to open it.
He was also very nervous and shifty.
Two, he had a handful of money and when he saw me looking at it, he hid it behind his back.
Come to think of it, it reeked of fresh printer's ink.
Three, I suspect any man that slams the door on us Boy Scouts.
I can get to Beckwood's along the terrace. You stay here. I'll be right back for the evidence.
Look at this. It's that nice Mr. Town.
I wonder what he's up to.
He's crawling.
He's crawling through Mr. Beckwood's window.
He's a burglar.
He doesn't look like a criminal type at all.
And it just goes to show you, dear, that appearances are deceiving.
No cauliflower.
No cauliflower.
No cauliflower.
Beckwood's money is all good.
Well, then it has to be returned to him.
Yeah, yeah. Here, take it back.
At least you could do his ass for volunteers.
Oh, now, Elliot, look, please. Elliot, I can go to prison for this.
Mr. Town, you have a choice. You can either go or they'll drag you.
Elliot, come back here.
Elliot, come back here.
Good evening, Mr. Town. I was just taking these cookies to Mr. Beckwood.
But perhaps you'd like them instead.
Yeah, well, I don't think he'd...
Oh, yes. Yes, thank you very much, Mrs. Valentine.
Oh, you're welcome.
Oh, Mrs. Valentine, I wonder if you'd do me a little favor.
Oh, I'd be glad to.
Would you return this to Mr. Beckwood for me, please?
Oh, yes. I'm so glad.
Oh, yes. I'm so glad.
You sleep better now, won't you?
Oh, I mean, if she acts a little upset, just ignore it.
I wonder what he's doing.
Bingo!
Your new friend, Elliot.
Bingo!
Elliot, turn on the gas.
I tell you, I'm innocent. I got it at the bank. That money was real.
Well, you like a hoonion. That's a look down the ear.
Hey, Hal, I caught the counterfeiter. He tried to pass off some phony money on Mr. Wanli.
He wants to change me. He's a crook. He wants to change me.
Beckwood?
I tell you, I'm not a counterfeiter. I'm an antique dealer.
Get loaded with phony money. Come on.
Good work, Dan.
Dan! Dan! I looked at the money in that box myself. It's good.
Dan, you're hanging an innocent man.
The glory of Richard Cowan. Can't you tell it's clear?
I'm taking these cookies to the Anderson children. They love them.
Oh, fine. Dan! Dan!
No.
Oh, no. Not that sweet old lady.
No, don't let the cookies fool you. She and Julia said the cauliflower kids are all right.
I can't believe it.
All I know is that when I gave Beckwood's money back to him, it was legal tender.
And the bills that Emily gave him were as phony as a fifty dollar mink stall.
Well, what's your next move, Sherlock? You going to stick your friend Dan Polanski on them?
Oh, no. Not quite. There's a slight, slight chance that I might be wrong.
What I've got to do is get into their apartment and find the printing press and the plates, and then I'd know I was right.
Hello.
Yes?
I'm Elizabeth from the assessor's office. I'm here to appraise your furnishings. May I come in?
Of course.
Thanks.
This lady is here to take inventory.
If I'm in the way, just tell me.
Let's see. Apartments 12E.
3C. 3 Cushion.
Oh, come in, Mr. John.
How nice of you to drop in.
Miss Provost. I thought so. She's just been up to my apartment.
You two nice people are so innocent and unsuspecting. I want to help you.
If you don't watch her, she'll appraise your furniture so high they'll raise your taxes.
Oh, dear. We've got no budget.
Well, don't worry. Just leave everything to me.
And what would your estimate of that chair be, young lady?
A hundred and fifty dollars.
A hundred and fifty dollars. How ridiculous.
Well, look. All you have to do is feel it, and you know that that's K-Pock. It isn't down.
There's hardly any springs at all, and very little padding.
And as for the workmanship, look underneath there. Do you see anything?
No.
Oh, well. There you are. You see, it's hardly worth more than, say, fifty dollars.
All right. A hundred dollars.
What about this Oriental?
Oriental? My dear young lady, if you'd ever been in Armenia, you would know that you can tell an Oriental rug by the feel underfoot.
And this is definitely not an Oriental.
I've already appraised those.
Oh, I see.
This looks like an original.
An original? Why, now, look.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I knocked over your pretty magazine rack.
An original? Why, it's obviously nothing but a print. I'll prove it to you.
You see that there's absolutely nothing back here that would even indicate that it's an original.
Look at the frame. You can buy the frame for two ninety-eight in any dime store.
I suppose now you're going to tell this nice couple that these simple little bookends are worth a fortune to them.
This is a lovely antique.
You're referring, I suppose, to this imitation needlepoint?
I don't know how you got this job, Miss Provost.
Now, look, all you have to do is feel that and you can tell.
And look under there. You see that it is absolutely nothing but a right imitation.
And I suppose now that you'll tell us that this is a price to say or no, Miss Updike.
The workmanship on it is just terrible.
Nails don't stop care.
Julius, do you have a feeling that something isn't quite kosher?
Emily, I think they're trying to mediate us into the clink.
All right, thirty dollars.
Well, that's better. There's the dollar, you see.
Oh, Miss. Yes, Mrs. Dollentine.
We do have a rather urgent appointment.
Oh, I'm finished. Thank you.
Well, under the circumstances, I did the best I could, but I do think that I saved you a little money.
Oh, you were very kind.
No, not at all. Well, good-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
If you're making phony money, you've got to have a printing press in place.
And we came up with neither.
Well, they're in there somewhere. I've got to find them.
Because of me, an innocent man's in jail.
It's a small place and we looked everywhere.
Not everywhere. What was that picture? Do you remember the last weekend?
Where did the fellow hide his jug?
In the chandelier.
In the chandelier, right.
The Valentine's saw the picture, too. I'll bet you that's where they are.
Now, the clean-up at the town suspects that he may be back with the police at any minute.
Pack these plates for your police, dear.
All right, I give up. How did it happen?
Oh, please tell me.
Don't tell me. I'd rather not know.
Relax. Unclench your fist.
Oh, thanks.
This I don't need.
Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Julius is booked.
That's how I'll get back into the apartment. I'll return it to him.
I've got a better idea.
Stay here, read it, and keep out of trouble.
Don't ever mind about that.
Just call Pulaski. Tell him to get over here and collect his counterfeit.
Who is it?
Oh, Mr. Talbot.
Yes.
I've been thumbing through your book and I've found something very interesting.
I'd like to discuss it with you if you don't mind.
He's found the money.
You know, you've got a very crooked chandelier here.
I think I better check it.
We might as well make a clean breast of it, Julius.
I'll get the plates while you put the press together.
Well, what are you doing?
I'm putting the press together for you.
Press?
Here are the engraving plates.
Engraving plates?
We know when we're left.
Oh.
Here.
You were right. They were in the chandelier.
In the chandelier? They were?
I mean, no.
Yes.
What an ingenious way to disguise a press.
How did you ever discover it, Hal?
Well, it was easy. He started to put it to...
I mean, I'd rather not talk about it now.
He's a modest type, Dad.
Well, I'll send somebody over to pick this up later.
You'll have to come along with me.
Aren't you glad you decided to go straight, Mr. Talbot?
Maybe they'll send us to the State Farm, Emily.
We've always dreamed of living on a farm.
Come on, Hal. This is no time to be a shrinking violet.
How did you do it?
How did I do it? Oh.
Well, I walked in and I showed this book to Mr. Valentine.
And he said...
Well, it's too complicated, Karen.
I'll tell you about it later on.
So, Emily and Julius Valentine will live out their years on a State Farm happily ever after.
That's a wonderful column, Henry.
But you're just a little fuzzy on how you got the Valentines to confess that they were the counterfeiters.
Yeah, Dad.
What did you do to make them hand over the press and the plates to you?
Yeah, what did I do?
The press and the plates?
It's gone.
Oh, I don't like to brag about these kind of things.
It's wet.
Main thing is I caught them.
And now I did it doesn't matter.
Then he mentioned the book Valentine sent.
Good morning. I'm Mrs. Fasano, your new neighbor.
I just moved into apartment 12E.
Oh, the Valentine's place.
Yes, I bought all their things. A rather dusty.
I hate to bother you, but I need some change to get the housekeeper.
All I have are five dollar bills.
Oh, I think I can help you out there, Mrs. Fasano.
Oh, it's certainly nice of you.
One, two, three, four, five. There you are.
Thank you very much.
Not at all. You just drop in any time, Mrs. Fasano.
Thank you. Bye.
Take that five dollars and for heaven's sakes give it back to that grocery man you gave the phone to.
I'm glad it's all over.
Well, son.
I'm glad it's all over.
I'm glad it's all over.