The Dennis O'Keeffe Show, starring Dennis O'Keeffe.
In all around town.
Also starring Hope Emerson, Ricky Kelman, Eloise Hart, Eddie Ryder.
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Dad, won't you put a little item in your column that I still have ten tickets to get rid of?
Oh, come on, Randy.
I already bought eight of those tickets for your boy scout jamboree.
One of the first things I learned when I was a scout was not to bankrupt your father.
Then how am I going to unload these?
It's easy.
You just ring the bell, and when they open up, you say,
Good morning, sir.
Would you like to buy a ticket to the boy scout jamboree?
And you flash that winning smile of yours, and you just watch them dig in their pockets.
Come on.
Come on, give.
Good morning, sir.
Would you like to buy a ticket to the boy scout jamboree?
Oh, yes, son.
I'd be very happy to.
Here you are.
And my ticket, please.
Gee, Dad.
I put the whammy on you.
Long time ago, Randy.
Long time ago.
Good morning, Nata.
Would you like to...
Turn it off, boy.
You already nailed me for four.
Come on, Randy.
I don't have to go to the office for an hour yet.
I'll get you started.
I don't want to keep all this cash in the apartment overnight.
Somebody might walk in here and...
Get over here, Bonnie.
Get over here as quick as you can.
Oh, good morning, sir.
Well, I'm Hal Town.
This is my son, Randy.
We live just down the hall.
Yeah?
What do you want?
Well, we're selling tickets for the boy scout jamboree.
Likely story.
You never take no for an answer.
Get out of here.
Take that midget with you.
Don't let him get you down, son.
He was probably drummed out of the boy scouts.
All that money he had on him.
You think he could afford a dollar.
Yeah, wouldn't you?
Well, Mrs. Harmon will give us a much friendlier reception.
Dad, she moved out last week.
People by the name of Valentine live here now.
Oh, is that so?
Hello.
How do you do?
I'm Hal Town.
This is my son, Randy.
We're your neighbors in 12A.
It's so nice to meet once a neighbor.
I'm Mrs. Valentine.
Mrs. Valentine.
I wonder if we could interest you in a ticket to the boy scout jamboree.
Is there only one dollar?
You wait right here.
I'll get some money for my husband.
Julius, there's the nicest man in his son outside.
They'd like us to buy a ticket to the boy scout jamboree.
It's only a dollar.
Of course, my dear.
Not that one.
I just printed it.
It's still wet.
I think that little boy would like some of my cookies.
Dear, you're not as young as you used to be.
You should cut down on your baking.
Well, as long as we're using the stove to dry money, it's a shame to waste the gas.
This one's dry.
I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.
All we have are five dollar bills.
That's quite all right.
There's a change right here.
Let's see.
There's your dollar, Randy.
One, two, three, four.
And there is your change, Mrs. Valentine.
And here's your ticket.
Oh, these are for you, Randy.
They are?
Thanks a lot.
Well, fresh cookies.
Oh, don't forget.
That ticket is deductible.
Sarge, the man in the grocery store says you gave him that bill.
I say again, Mr. Pulaski, I don't care if you are with the Treasury Department.
Oh, Sarge, wait a minute.
Dan's not calling you a counterfeiter.
All he's saying is that you're the one that passed the phony five to the grocery clerk.
Henry.
I never thought I'd live to see the day that you'd hang a bum rap on me.
I'm quitting.
Now, wait a minute, Sarge.
You're not quitting.
What's the matter with you, Dan?
How can you offend it like that?
All Dan wants to know is who gave you the phony five so he can throw him in the clink.
Now think.
Who gave it to you?
You gave it to me.
We're getting to...
Well, she's right.
Yes, I did give her a five dollar bill.
But I also gave you two tens.
Now, come on, Sarge, tell the nice man.
Where did you spend your money?
Who gave you some change?
Well, I took a cha-cha lesson for three dollars.
I made a down payment on a yacht.
And I blew ten dollars in a beauty parlor having my hair dyed green.
You'd talk to her, would you?
No, not even if she's printing the money herself.
There's only one, Sarge, and I'm not gonna lose her.
Say, say, Dan.
There's a very slinky character lives down the corridor here by the name of Beckwith.
He could be the funny you're after.
Henry, Valentine's brought more cookies for Randy.
Oh, how nice.
Mr. Tom, I just finished this book.
I thought maybe you'd like to read it.
It's very good.
Oh, thank you very much.
Your hobby is your happy.
Nice title.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Mr. and Mrs. Valentine, Mr. Dan Pulaski.
How do you do?
Hey, I sold all my tickets except these four.
Boy, that smile gimmick really paid off.
If those are your last four, Julius and I will buy two more.
You will?
Gee, thanks.
Two ones, dear.
Yes, dear.
Here you are, son.
Thank you, dear.
I'll take your last two, son.
Wow, what a day.
I've only got a ten dollar bill.
Can you change it?
I can.
I'll take your last two, son.
Wow, what a day.
I've only got a ten dollar bill.
Can you change it?
I can.
I'll take your last two, son.
Wow, what a day.
I'll take your last two, son.
Wow, what a day.
Keep your change.
Thank you.
Here you are, son.
Dad, have you changed for a five?
Now, I think so.
Let's see here.
Here we are, one, two, three, four, five.
Yeah, isn't it?
Right.
Thank you, son.
Well, I've got to report in.
Tell Miss Hadley and your secretary Elliot I want to see them in your office this afternoon.
Yeah, well, wait a minute, Dan. I'm going down there right now myself.
I'll ride downtown with you. I can call Miss Hadley from there.
The girls are being passed on the radius of three square blocks.
I'm going to nab that counterfeiter if I have to search every apartment in this neighborhood.
Good boy.
Don't forget this backwards thought.
Who is Mr. Pulaski?
He's a T-man.
And with him on the case, that counterfeiter doesn't stand a chance.
Well, Sarge, I've got to go turn in the rest of my scout money now.
Well, on your way back, Randy, would you stop at the grocery store and get me a...
I have over $300 on me.
You've got to get rid of it, dear.
And hurry right back.
I will.
Miss Sargeant, if you'd like, I'll write out the recipe for the cookies.
I'd love to have it.
There's a trick about greasing the pans that I want to show you.
So let's go into the kitchen.
Julius, why don't you occupy yourself with a book?
There's nothing like a book to get rid of your problems.
I firmly resent being implicated in this ugly counterfeiting mess.
I have a family name to uphold.
Oh, stop getting your five-bedded cap in an uproar.
All right, I confess.
My publicity business is a cover-up for my counterfeiting racket.
Slap the handcuffs on me.
Karen, you know as well as I do that Dan Pulaski doesn't think either one of you have anything to do with the counterfeiting.
He's just trying to trace those phony $5 bills.
Were you late?
I guess I am.
Would you like to know why I'm late?
Oh, yes.
I was detained.
Oh, at the city jail for trying to pass this phony $5 bill.
You know, Julius, this convertible printing press is such a clever idea.
It's a shame you couldn't exhibit it at the home show.
It is too bad.
But I don't have my invention patented.
And I'm afraid some fellow might steal the idea.
Well, anyway, I know what a creative person you are.
And you're very creative too, dear.
Why, this is a magnificent piece of work.
Oh, it was my first fling at needlepoint.
Good. No answer from the Beckwith department. The coast is clear.
Hal, Hal, is it absolutely necessary to involve me?
I'm very happy to serve as your secretary, but not as your cellmate.
Oh, there's no sing-sing fever connected with this, Elliot.
I just want you to stick around and rush the story to the paper when I crack the case.
I'm not going to do that.
Well, what makes you so positive that Beckwith's the counterfeiter?
One, when Randy and I knocked on his door the other day, he was afraid to open it.
He was also very nervous and shifty.
Two, he had a handful of money, and when he saw me looking at it, he hid it behind his back.
Come to think of it, it reeked of fresh printer's ink.
Three, I suspect any man that slams the door on us Boy Scouts.
I can get to Beckwith's along the terrace.
You stay here. I'll be right back for the evidence.
Oh, look, Julius. It's that nice Mr. Town.
I wonder what he's up to.
He's crawling through Mr. Beckwith's window.
He's a burglar.
He doesn't look like a criminal type at all.
And it just goes to show you, dear, that appearances are deceiving.
No cauliflower.
Beckwith's money is all good.
Well, then it has to be returned to him.
Here, take it back.
The least you could do is ask for volunteers.
No, well, now, Elliot, look, please, Elliot, I can go to prison for this.
Mr. Town, you have a choice. You can either go, or they'll drag you.
Elliot, come back here.
Oh, good evening, Mr. Town. I was just taking these cookies to Mr. Beckwith's.
But perhaps you'd like them instead.
Yeah, well, I don't think he...
Yes. Yes, thank you very much, Mrs. Valentine.
Oh, you're welcome.
Oh, Mrs. Valentine, I wonder if you'd do me a little favor.
Oh, I'd be glad to.
Would you return this to Mr. Beckwith's for me, please?
Oh, yes. I'm so glad.
You sleep well, Mr. Town.
Oh, lad, you'll sleep better now, won't you?
Yeah? Oh, I mean, if she acts a little upset, just ignore it.
I wonder what he stole.
Bingo!
Junior, turn on the gas.
I tell you, I'm innocent. I got it at the bank. That money was real.
I thought he was a good guy. He was a good guy.
Hey, Hal, I caught the counterfeiter. He tried to pass off some phony money on Mr. Wang Li.
He wanted to change me. He's a champion. He wants to change me.
Beckwith?
I tell you, I'm not a counterfeiter. I'm an antique dealer.
Yeah, loaded with phony money. Come on.
He said he wanted to buy me a flower vase. He thought I was a flower.
Good work, Dad.
Dad! Dad! I looked at the money in that box myself. It's good.
Dad, you're hanging an innocent man.
Good morning, Mr. Town. Cautions all clear?
I'm taking these cookies to the Anderson children. They love them.
Fine.
Dad!
No.
Oh, no. Not that sweet old lady.
No, don't let the cookies fool you. She and Julius are the cauliflower kids, all right.
I can't believe it.
Well, all I know is that when I gave Beckwith's money back to him, it was legal tender.
And the bills that Emily gave him were as phony as a $50 mink stall.
Well, what's your next move, Sherlock? You going to stick your friend Dan Pulaski on them?
No, no. Not quite. There's a slight, slight chance that I might be wrong.
What I've got to do is get into their apartment and find the printing press and the plates, and then I'd know I was right.
Hello.
Yes?
I'm Miss Provis from the assessor's office. I'm here to appraise your furnishings. May I come in?
Of course.
Thank you.
This lady is here to take in with Chloe, dear.
If I'm in the way, just tell me.
Let's see. Apartment 12E.
Three cushions.
Oh, come in, Mr. John.
How nice of you to drop in.
Miss Provis. I thought so. She's just been up to my apartment.
Now, you two nice people are so innocent and unsuspecting. I want to help you.
If you don't watch her, she'll appraise your furniture so high, they'll raise your taxes.
Oh.
Dear, we're on a budget.
Don't worry. Just leave everything to me.
And what would your estimate of that chair be, young lady?
$150.
$150? How ridiculous.
Well, look. All you have to do is feel it, and you know that that's K-Pock. It isn't down.
There's hardly any springs at all, and very little padding.
And as for the workmanship, look underneath there. Do you see anything?
No.
Oh, well. There you are. You see, it's hardly worth more than, fool, say, $50.
All right. $100.
Uh, what about this Oriental?
Oriental? My dear young lady, if you'd ever been in Armenia, you would know that you can tell an Oriental rug by the feel underfoot.
And this is definitely not an Oriental.
Uh, I've already appraised those.
Oh, I see.
This looks like an original.
An original? Why, now look.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I knocked over your pretty magazine rack.
An original? Why, it's obviously nothing but a print. I'll prove it to you.
You see that there's absolutely nothing back here that would even indicate that it's an original.
Look at the frame. You can buy the frame for $2.98 in any dime store.
I suppose now you're going to tell this nice couple that these simple little bookends are worth a fortune to them.
This is a lovely antique.
You're referring, I suppose, to this imitation needlepoint?
I don't know how you got this job, Miss Provost. Now look, all you have to do is feel that and you can tell.
And look under there, you see that it is absolutely nothing but a rag imitation.
And I suppose now that you'll tell us that this is a priceless heirloom or something.
The workmanship on it is just terrible.
Nails don't dovetail.
Julius, do you have a feeling that something isn't quite kosher?
Emily, I think they're trying to nudge us into the clink.
All right, $30.
Well, it's better. All right, $30, you see.
Oh, Miss.
Yes, Mrs. Valentine.
We do have a rather urgent appointment.
Oh, I'm finished. Thank you.
Well, under the circumstances, I did the best I could, but I do think that I saved you a little money.
Oh, you were very kind.
Not at all. Well, good-bye.
Goodbye.
Bye.
If you're making fun of me, I'm going to go.
Goodbye. Bye.
If you're making phony money, you've got to have a printing press in place.
And we came up with neither.
Ow.
Well, they're in there somewhere.
I've got to find them.
Because of me, an innocent man's in jail.
It's a small place, and we looked everywhere.
Not everywhere.
What was that picture? Do you remember the lost weekend?
Where's the fellow Heidi's jug?
In the chandelier.
In the chandelier, right. The Valentine's saw the picture, too.
I'll bet you that's where they are.
Now, the Plano, Mr. Tao, suspects that he may be back with the police at any minute.
Pack these plates in your police gear.
All right, I give up. How did it happen?
Oh, we still...
Don't tell me. I'd rather not know.
Relax.
Unclench your fists.
Oh, thanks.
This, I don't need.
Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Julius is booked.
That's how I'll get back into the apartment. I'll return it to him.
I've got a better idea. Stay here, read it, and keep out of trouble.
Don't. Never mind about that.
Just call Pulaski.
Tell him to get over here and collect his counterfeiters.
Who is it?
Oh, Mr. Tao.
Yes. I've been thumbing through your book and I've found something very interesting.
I'd like to discuss it with you if you don't mind.
He's up.
He's found the money.
You know, you've got a very cooking chandelier here. I think I better check it.
We might as well make a clean breast of it, Julius. I'll get the plates while you put the press together.
Well, what are you doing?
I'm putting the press together for you.
The press?
Here are the engraving plates.
The engraving plates?
We know when we're lived.
Oh.
You were right. They were in the chandelier.
In the chandelier? They were? I mean, no.
Yes.
What an ingenious way to disguise a press.
How did you ever discover it, Hal?
Well, it was easy. He started to put it to... I mean, I'd rather not talk about it now.
He's the modest type, Dan.
Well, I'll send somebody over to pick this up later. You'll have to come along with me.
Aren't you glad you decided to go straight, Mr. Tao?
Maybe they'll send us to the state farm, Emily.
We've always dreamed of living on a farm.
Come on, Hal. This is no time to be a shrinking violet. How did you do it?
How did I do it? Oh. Well, I walked in and I showed this book to Mr. Valentine and he said...
Well, it's too complicated, Karen. I'll tell you about it later on.
So Emily and Julius Valentine will live out their years on a state farm happily ever after.
That's a wonderful column, Henry.
But you're just a little fuzzy on how you got the Valentines to confess that they were the counterfeiters.
Yeah, Dad. What did you do to make them hand over the press and the plates to you?
Yeah, what did I do? The press and the plates?
Yes, go on.
Oh, I don't like to brag about these kind of things.
Since when?
The thing is, I caught them. How I did it doesn't matter.
I walked in, mentioned the book, Valentine said...
Good morning. I'm Mrs. Pisano, your new neighbor. I just moved into apartment 12E.
Oh, the Valentine's place.
Yes, I bought all their things. They're rather dusty.
I hate to bother you, but I need some change to get the housekeeper. It seems all I have are five dollar bills.
Oh, I think I can help you out there, Mrs. Pisano.
Oh, it's certainly nice of you.
One, two, three, four, five. There you are.
Thank you very much.
Not at all. You just drop in any time, Mrs. Pisano.
Thank you.
Bye.
Here, take that five dollars and for heaven's sakes give it back to that grocery man you gave the phony to.
I'm glad it's all over.
Uh-huh.
Thank you.
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