Look, when you went down there...
...
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bring you Duffy's Tavern with our guest tonight, Mickey Rooney,
and starring Archie himself, Ed Gardner!
Applause
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Music
Hello, Duffy's Tavern. Where do you lead me?
D. Darcy, the manager speaking. Duffy ain't here.
Hello, Duffy. Tonight, Mickey Rooney.
Yeah, that's the guy. Short, freckled, blonde hair, pug nose.
Sort of a Van Johnson at half-mass.
Yeah, a little bit of a guy.
In fact, they tell me when two grasshoppers meet, one says to the other,
I ain't seen you since you was knee-high to Mickey Rooney.
That's right. His size is a bit of a problem, too, you know, especially in Hollywood.
Well, you know, he's too short to be a lover and too tall to be a producer.
Laughter
He's coming down to the Tavern tonight to star in a new television show I'm writing.
Television, Duffy, you know, TV or as they call it in the trade, Voodoo.
Laughter
Well, Duffy, let me put it this way. You know the saying, vaudeville is dead?
Well, television is where you watch the funeral.
Laughter
Well, I think Rooney should be great for television.
Well, sure, you know, they got them little seven-inch screens.
Laughter
He's a natural.
Laughter
Well, look, Duffy, I'm busy now. I'll call you back.
Hey, Archie, what's this about you writing a television program?
That's right, Miss Duffy. I'm going to get into television while it's still in its infancy.
What are you trying to do, stun its growth?
Laughter
Besides, what do you know about writing television?
What's to know? I wrote radio plays. Television is exactly the same except you dub in the faces.
Laughter
Well, if you take my advice, you'll forget television and stay right here where you got a steady job and a security of $15 every week.
Laughter
You call that security? Miss Duffy, I've had me back to the wall so long, the handwriting is on me.
Laughter
Now, look, Miss Duffy, I...
Oh, hello, Miss Duffy.
Oh, hey, did you hear the...
Hey, did you hear that news?
Laughter
There's no reason you shouldn't hear it twice.
Laughter
You read two newspapers, don't you?
Laughter
Eddie, may I repeat?
Go ahead.
Did you hear the news? Archie's writing for television.
Ain't I having enough trouble?
Laughter
Look, don't let television off, Eddie. It's a big thing. In fact, I often wonder how people ever got along without it.
I don't know, just lucky, I guess.
Laughter
Eddie, from the tone of your inference, I gather you don't like television.
Oh, it's all right while you're sitting at a bar watching it. Just that I don't like the after effects.
Laughter
You mean the eyestrain?
No, the hangover.
Laughter
Yeah, you're right, Eddie. Speaking personally, I'll still take radio.
Radio? Miss Duffy, I see you're still living in the Middle-Evil Ages.
Laughter
Why don't you get up to date and realize that the future always progresses the past. We've got to advance.
A television is to radio what the caliper is to the old-fashioned slide rule.
What does that mean?
What I thought that Deep One does not stop to analyze.
Laughter
Well, tell me, Deep One.
Laughter
Who's going to act in this show of yours?
Only Mickey Rooney.
Mickey Rooney!
Now look, play or I need him for the show and there ain't enough of him to go around.
Laughter
Get the both foot out of here. I'd like to finish the script now. Let's see.
Act two. Our hero enters. He is a man of the world. Handsome, dashing, debonair.
An amused smile plays about his intelligent face.
Laughter
He speaks.
Laughter
Hello, Finnegan.
What you doing?
I'm writing a play for TV.
That's nice. TV who?
That ain't a who, Finnegan. TV is slang for the idiom.
In other words, well, what is it that people go into the living room for every night and turn out the lights and watch for hours?
The day next door.
Laughter
Look, I'm talking about a different kind of entertainment. Television.
Who, who, who, who, dad? Uncle Louie's got one of them things.
Oh yeah? You like to watch it?
I can't make up my mind, Archie. I don't get to see much of it thanks to me sister.
How come?
Well, Uncle Louie's set's got a seven inch screen and me sister's got a 12 inch head.
Laughter
Well, in that case, why don't you sit in front of your sister?
That's where me Uncle Horace sits.
Laughter
Well, if he's sitting in front of her, how can she see?
Well, she can see. You know Uncle Horace.
Oh yeah, the one with the hole in his head.
Laughter
Yeah, yeah. He thinks television is wonderful.
By the way, what's this television show that you're writing on?
Well, it's sort of a soap opera.
Arch, I wish you wouldn't use that word.
Opera?
No, soap.
Laughter
Every time I mention that word around the house, my old man washes me mouth out with dink.
Laughter
Well, I'll tell you what, to make your old man happy, I'll change it. I'll write a dirt opera, Finnegan.
Oh, good night.
Hi, Arch.
Well, Joe Moran. Hey Joe, you're a radio guy. What do you think of television?
I don't know. I don't drink.
Laughter
I think I'll send that to Fred Allen.
Laughter
But I asked you a question.
Well, frankly, Arch, I think television is going to kill the motion picture business.
I thought the motion pictures did that themselves.
Laughter
That's very, very funny. Mind if I send that to Fred Allen?
Where do you think I got it?
Laughter
Anyway, when I'm driving that, Joe, you know I'm writing a television show.
Oh, when does it start?
Well, as soon as I find a sponsor.
A sponsor, huh?
Yeah, you know, a censor with money.
Laughter
Well, any chance of a job in this show, Arch?
Acting?
Yeah.
Well, it could be, but would you mind first giving me an audition?
Not at all.
I'd like to make sure that you can run the gimlet of emotions.
Laughter
Now, let me see your register, for instance, love. You know, like Charles Boyer.
Okay.
Ah, toujours l'amour, Trouchet.
I had a come with me to the drugstore.
Laughter
I will shower you with Trouchet, the creamy fragrant hand lotion that keeps hands feeling smoother, looking lovelier.
This is the hottest lover since Lanny Ross.
Laughter
Look, Joe, try another one. See what you can do with sorrow.
Okay.
Get a load of this.
Oh, please. Don't take away my bottle of Trouchet.
What would I do without it?
It's different from other hand lotions.
Because it has a unique before hand extra that protects hands from chapping.
Laughter
Well, how's that for sorrow, Arch?
Pretty sorry for Thomas.
Laughter
Would you like to try for fright?
Okay.
Laughter
Don't be afraid.
Laughter
Don't be afraid.
Go ahead, Joe.
As long as Trouchet is on your hands, before you do dishes or go outdoors, they're guarded against chapping.
Water chapping is as well as weather chapping.
Well, Arch, how was that for fright?
Laughter
Frightful.
Laughter
Well, Arch, you mean my acting leaves something to be desired?
It leaves something, Joe, but it ain't to be desired.
Hey, wait a minute. Excuse me, Joe.
Eddie, Eddie, look who just come in. Mickey Rooney.
What?
There, walking in under the swinging doors.
Laughter
Eddie, watch me flatter the guy.
Well, Gary Cooper.
Laughter
Well, how are you, tall in a saddle?
Laughter
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Just a minute, Arch. I'm Mickey Rooney.
Mickey Rooney. Well, how time flies upwards.
Tell me, Mick, what's new with you?
I don't know. I haven't read the gossip columns today.
Laughter
Got to send that to Fred Allen.
Well, Mick, it certainly is good to have you down here to the tavern.
Tell me, how come you never visited us before?
Well, up to now, Arch, my studio has been very strict with me.
Yeah, huh? What do you mean?
Well, my contract says I can't bail out of a plane, jump into a volcano,
or go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, or be seen in Duffy's Tavern.
Laughter
Think I'll send that one to Milton Burrill.
Laughter
Tell me, Mickey, speaking of television, as we do in circles,
is it true what they say in Hollywood?
What's that, Arch?
That the movie business is falling apart.
Arch, if things get any worse, the studios are going to produce the popcorn
and hand out the pictures in the lobby. That's right.
Laughter
Things are pretty desperate out there in Hollywood, huh?
Desperate? Do you want to know a secret?
What?
Do you know what they're planning to do?
What?
Turn out good pictures.
Laughter
No.
Mick, they wouldn't dare.
It's the last resort.
Laughter
Well, I guess it's what they say is true. There's no business in show business.
Laughter
But you're a trooper, Mick. You ain't got nothing to worry about.
Incidentally, how did you ever start in show business anyhow?
Well, that goes back a long time, Arch. You see, when I was a baby,
Mom and Dad wanted to find out what I was best suited for.
Uh-huh.
So right after I was born, they had the nurse give me a test.
Test, huh?
Yeah.
On one side of me, she put a doctor's satchel,
and on the other side, a lawyer's briefcase.
What did you reach for?
The nurse.
Laughter
Applause
Woo!
Applause
I see. So, uh, they decided to make you an actor then, huh?
Yeah, that's right. I went into vaudeville with my Mom and Dad.
Yeah, huh? How old was you then?
Uh, two years old.
Two years, huh? What'd you do before that?
Laughter
Well, Arch, to tell the truth, I just loafed a little bit.
But those were the days. Good old vaudeville, the Chinese jugglers,
the tightrope walkers, uh, Weber and Fields.
Yeah, Gallagher and Sheen, Hamacher and Schlemmer.
I used to love them acts. You know, I often wonder
whatever happened to them corny old vaudeville jokes.
You really want to know?
Yeah.
I sent them to Fred Allen.
Laughter
Sorry, I was just...
Pfft!
Well, Edward G. Robinson!
Laughter
Then again, it's Mickey Rooney.
Arch, it's Edward G. Robinson.
I'm telling you, it's Mickey Rooney.
Okay, we'll ask him.
Hey, bud, who are you?
Never mind who I am, see?
I'm the fellow that asks the questions around here, see?
This is my territory, see? Huh?
Applause
You're right, Arch, it's Mickey Rooney.
Laughter
Hey, Mickey, there's an idea.
Them dialects are yours. They're perfect for television.
Me? Me, Arch, on television?
Well, certainly. You see, the way I figure it, them, uh,
television audiences are tired of wrestling and hockey.
They're crying for something else to get tired of.
Laughter
Well, uh, tell me, what are you going to give them?
You.
Laughter
Now, how would you like to play the lead in a daytime soap opera?
How would you like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick?
Laughter
Now, look, don't make no hasty decisions.
There's room for good acting in television, you know?
It's a medium where, if anything is well done, it's rare.
Laughter
You can send that one back to Pick and Pat, too.
Laughter
Look, Mick, please don't be jovial about this.
You've got your future to think of.
You know, uh, you've been around a long time now,
and you ain't getting no taller, kid.
Laughter
Now, please, uh, don't pass this up.
Don't be a schmo, you know.
There's a lot of room in television for tall, handsome,
good-looking types like yourself.
Ah, that did it. The schmo must go on.
Laughter
Well, Mickey, did you read the television script?
Yeah.
Uh-huh. Why'd you think of it?
It should happen to Butch Jenkins.
Laughter
We're saving him for the Hardy family.
Laughter
This thing just, uh, it just looks bad on paper.
Uh, wait till you hear it.
Now, uh, leave us run through it.
You see, in the first scene, you play a married man.
By the way, you've been married, ain't you?
Laughter
Arch, pound for pound, I'm the most married guy in Hollywood.
Laughter
That'll help you handle the part.
Now, uh, you're the husband, and, uh, Finnegan is your rival.
Finnegan is the rival. I say, well, who finally wins the girl, Arch?
Uh, you do, the husband.
Who plays the girl?
You do.
I'll play the rival.
Laughter
Look, Mitch, in television, they all look like that.
Laughter
Okay, well, uh, we'll switch it around.
You play the rival, Mickey. Now, places, everybody.
Uh, Mr. Melnick, uh, prayer and prayer, please.
Thank you.
Laughter
Okay, now, Eddie, uh, you exit from the left and read the opening announcement there.
Ladies and gentlemen, to those of you who are watching this television program at home, I say, greetings.
And to those of you who is watching it in bars, I say, order a double, you'll need it.
Laughter
Eddie, please, just read what's wrote there, will you?
Laughter
Now, I give you the director of our voodoo playhouse, Mr. Cecil B. Diace, our head, the head video.
Hey, hey, hey.
Applause
Thank you, thank you.
Uh, thank you.
Laughter
Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. America, and all the ships at sea tonight.
Laughter
Tonight, we bring you another episode in the true life story of lovable old John and his pretty young wife, lovable old Mary.
Laughter
A story that asks the question, can two people in love find happiness?
As our scene opens, John, a brilliant young banker, unexpectedly returns home from his office to find his wife, Mary, making love to the Iceman, a typical American family.
Laughter
As our story begins, we find lovable old Mary speaking to lovable old John.
What's the idea of coming home so early, you jerk?
Good evening, Mary.
Laughter
Mary, don't think me suspicious, but why is that derby hat hanging in the hall with it?
I'm taking trombone lessons.
Laughter
Well, what about them ice tongs on the couch?
Ice tongs? I borrowed them from a neighbor. I lost my eyebrow tweezers.
Laughter
Mary, would you think me suspicious if I just ask one more question?
What is it?
What are you doing on the Iceman's lap?
Laughter
John, you mean you put two and two together?
Yeah, and it adds up to...
Laughter
Four?
Laughter
I'm sorry, John, but I've loved him for years. Loved him, do you hear?
You mean all this time you've been cold to me? You've been warming up to the Iceman?
Laughter
John, John, let's be civilized about this. Let's not make a scene of it, shan't we?
Laughter
Mary, it's too late. We've got to have a showdown. Iceman, tell me, do you love Mary?
I'm asking you. Speak now or forever hold my wife.
Laughter
Mickey, that's your cue. Give out with a love scene like Clonk Gable.
Oh.
Okay, Fennine, give him the cue again.
Iceman, do you love my wife?
All right. All right, you ask me. I'm going to tell you sure I love your wife. I love her, do you hear?
That's the way it is and that's the way it's going to be, brother.
Why, you, you cat! Take your cold hand off of her!
Laughter
John, I'm afraid it's too late.
You mean?
His hands are no longer cold.
Laughter
And I believe in you, do you hear? Ha ha ha ha!
Laughter
You, you might as well be a man about this, lovable John. I'm taking Mary away with me. Away, do you hear?
Uh, lovable old Mary. Is this true?
Yes, lovable old John. This is the end.
The bitter?
The bitter.
Laughter
Well, it had to happen to somebody. Good luck to yous.
Well, so long sucker. I hope there's no hard feelings. Ha ha ha!
Laughter
Sucker, huh? Little does he know I didn't pay the ice bill.
Laughter
Applause
Thank you.
Applause
Now, now that Mary has run away with the ice man, what will happen to John? Will he find new happiness with the refrigerator?
Laughter
Only time will tell. But first, a word from one of our sponsors.
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Laughter
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Laughter
And it's twice as delicious.
So remember, if it's iron that your system lacks, bill your stomach with Rooster Beggar and listen to the claims.
And above all, remember our sponsors jingle. A, avocado, B, boiled potatoes, C, Soccatacious, and B, C.
Laughter
And folks, back to our smell-o-vision.
Laughter
I'll ignore it.
And now back to our story. The scene is 20 years later.
Loverable old John has sank lower and lower. He has tried everything to forget. He's drifted from job to job.
Western Union boy, song plugger, lighthouse keeper, general in a South American army.
Laughter
But all the time his mind was elsewhere. In desperation, he finally tried the want ads.
Laughter
And that was how John became a doctor.
As luck would have it, Mary in the meantime had became a nurse.
Our next scene is in the hospital. The head of this hospital is the famous Dr. Gillespie, played by Mickey Rooney.
That's you.
I thought I was the Iceman.
We're short of actors.
Laughter
As our scene continues, there is a patient waiting on the operating table as Dr. Gillespie speaks.
Now, see here, Nurse Mary, I want you to prepare this patient for surgery.
Looks like it's going to be a very delicate operation.
Then, then only you can operate, Dr. Gillespie. You, with those skillful, highly trained, sensitive surgeon's hands. Will you do it?
No, hang it all. On my last operation, I seem to have sewed my fingers together.
Laughter
Then, then who will operate?
I'll find out, Nurse. Is there a doctor in the house?
Laughter
I say, is there a doctor in the house?
I am a doctor.
Laughter
You, you are a doctor?
Yes, I am a lovable old Dr. John. Nice, have you got the scalpel?
Yes, doctor.
What does it read?
Laughter
His temperature's down to 108.
108? That's pretty low. We'd better put him back in the sun.
Laughter
But first, let me look at the patient.
Yee-haw-suh-fats, it can't be.
Who?
My rival, the Iceman.
Laughter
Yes, there was the Iceman on the operating table.
Loveable old Dr. John's hated rival that had took his wife away.
What should John do? What would you do?
In Dr. John's trembling hand was a scalpel, sharp as a surgeon's knife.
Laughter
One tiny slip of this scalpel and the operation might be a success.
Laughter
Dr. John moves slowly toward the operating table.
He looks down at his helpless victim, his mind racing blindly.
Slowly, he raises his scalpel and then, but first a word from our sponsor.
Laughter
Folks, if you're sticking on kicking the bucket, seek having Mr. Smiling Undertaker. Ask him about his free trial plan.
Laughter
Only 20 years of payment. Folks, here's your chance to drop dead and save money.
Laughter
And remember our slogan, have a Cavendish funeral while you are still young enough to enjoy it.
Laughter
And now, back to our television play.
Thank you, Eddie Green.
Laughter
Scalpel poisoned midair, Dr. John hesitates as he faces the most momentous decision of his life.
He thinks of Mary and the Iceman and words from the past streak up through his subconsciousness.
Laughter
I'm taking Mary away with me. Away, do you hear?
Yes, John, and I'm leaving you. Do you hear?
Laughter
Dr. John snapped out of it.
Huh? Huh?
What's the matter, doctor? Hearing voices?
Yeah, but don't worry, I hear them all the time.
Laughter
Well, tell me, have you made up your mind, my boy? Will you operate?
Yes, even though the Iceman is my hated rival, I'll still operate.
Ah, stout fellow.
Doctor?
Yeah?
Shall I burl the instruments?
No, let's just fry them for a change.
Laughter
Dr. John?
Yes?
You'd better hurry. The patient seems to have trouble with his breathing.
I'll soon put a stop to that.
Laughter
Quick, Nate. Quick, ether.
Ether.
Ah, that clears me head.
Laughter
Now, now, give something to the patient.
Dr. Gillespie?
Yes?
Sponge.
Sponge.
Cotton.
Cotton.
Scissors.
Scissors.
Ouch.
Sorry.
Laughter
Bandage.
Bandage.
It's a tense moment. Dr. John begins the operation.
First, he sutures the hemostat.
Laughter
Then, his sensitive fingers working swiftly but carefully,
he stitches a hole in the epidermis and skewers up the dorsal fin.
Laughter
Finally, Dr. John speaks.
Gentlemen, the patient will walk again.
You mean the operation was a success, my boy?
Yep, but I never seen a waste case at Tonsils.
Laughter
Oh, oh, Dr. John, you're wonderful.
Well, I did.
Wait, that voice. Nice. Take off that mask.
But I'm not wearing a mask.
Laughter
Mary, it's you.
Applause
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Mickey Rooney will soon be seen in quicksand
and appeared by a range of the Metro Golden Layer,
producers of the Technicolor picture, Little Women,
starring June Allison, Peter Lawford, Margaret O'Brien, and Mrs. Baker.
See you next time.