Everybody else has been here but you.
And he said I, I was only a piece of shit.
I was only a piece of shit.
By Thelus for well-groomed hair and true shade,
hand lotion with a beforehand extra,
bring you Duffy's Tavern starring Archie himself and Cartler.
Applause
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Music
Hello Duffy's Tavern, what are you late?
Meet Archie de Manja speaking. Duffy ain't here.
Oh hello Duffy. Well it looks like spring is here.
Yes, spring and the whole world's kind of lousy with Mother Nature's wonders.
Well, I might start this thing over again.
Duffy's Tavern, what are you late?
Spring and the whole world lousy with Mother Nature's wonders.
I'm out of practice. I wasn't here last week.
What? You ain't noticed nothing different Duffy?
Well just gaze your eyes out the window and what do you see?
Mrs. Murphy's long underwear?
Well that proves it's spring. She ain't wearing them.
Oh she is, huh? She's sitting out on the fire escape?
Oh. Well she don't do that in the winter so it proves it's spring.
Yeah, the time of the year when the birds and the bees watch people and take notes.
Yeah. In other words, you know how all year long a guy sits around thinking about dames?
Well spring is when he does something about it.
Yeah. Well Duffy, why don't you be more romantic. Don't spring mean nothing to you?
It means Eddie and me should get busy with the spring cleaning?
Duffy, it's employers like you that give work a bad name.
Besides, the joints don't look so bad. It's clean enough to fool the health inspector and yet dirty enough to keep them in trees.
Okay Duffy, Eddie. Eddie, when was the last time this place was cleaned up?
I don't know. I'm Eddie Green, not an elephant.
Eddie, stop goldbricking. We gotta clean up the place. Now get up there on the ladder and sweep that big spiderweb off the ceiling.
Got news for you.
What?
That spiderweb is the ceiling.
Well cut the jokes and get up on the ladder and while you're up there scrape the dirt off the walls.
All the dirt?
Yeah.
Well you wanna do start a landslide?
Eddie, will you get to work and deceased the comedy?
Hello boys.
Oh hello Miss Duffy.
Well it looks like spring has really come to Third Avenue.
Yeah, you noticed it too, huh?
Yeah. On my way down here a robin whistled at me.
Well for you that's about far. But it looks like you're the only member of the family that seems to relish spring.
Oh no. Mama thinks it's very romantic too. Guess what?
What?
Last night when she went to bed she put a mud pack on her face. You should have heard Papa complain.
Why?
He says it was like sleeper next to a swamp. Incidentally Archie.
Yeah?
Papa says as soon as you finish with the spring cleaning either you or Eddie can have the night off.
A night off? No kidding. Quick let me get me address book here.
Just a minute. Mr. Duffy said either you or me could have the night off.
Well if that's your attitude I'll toss you for it.
Okay. Where do I get out off the ladder here?
Don't bother. I'll just toss the coin and I'll let you know how it comes out.
I stay up here and you're gonna let me know how it comes out?
Well here we are. Call it Eddie.
Okay. Heads. And have a nice time.
What do you know? Tails. I win. Lucky huh Eddie?
Eddie I did not cheat.
What is that? Nothing.
I know but in the future I'll thank you to watch the tone of your silence.
Well I think I'll go and paint the town. I'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah before you go paint the town ain't you forgetting two things?
What?
A. Money and B. A girl.
Eddie if one has A one can get B. And I happen to have me full week's paycheck. 15 bucks worth of A.
What about it?
Well a little address book is just busting at the seams here. I don't like to brag but you know the New York telephone directory?
Yeah?
They get their numbers from me.
Let's see this book here. Rosie, Mabel, Yvonne, Emma, Emma, Emma Schulz. I ain't seen her in years.
You mean the butcher's daughter?
Yeah, yeah. Well honey we used to neck in her old man's refrigerator.
No Schulz never did find out why his ice bill was so high. I think I'll call her up.
Hello? Is Emma there? This is her husband?
Well sir when you hear the tone the time will be 9.27 and a half.
Sound like I've refrigerated it was a little crowded.
Yeah let me see now let me try this one.
Hello? Is Hazel there? She's taking a bath? Sorry I must have the wrong number.
Let's see. Oh here's one. Yeah. Amber Griss McNulty. Yeah me old sweetheart from PS4.
No dice. Now I just saw her the other day. She's married and got 14 kids.
Really? And to think she always wants multiplication.
Well let's see who else could I call? Hmm.
Hello operator? Give me information. Hello information? Look honey what are you doing tonight?
Hello? Hmm. And that kind of a dame calls herself a public utility.
No more phone numbers? Well nothing up to my usual standards.
What a break. A spring night no dame. Spring with the crocuses croaking and the trees blossoming.
And the little things popping up out of the ground.
Oh. Well honey. Did I hear you say something about spring? Yeah good old spring. Ain't it wonderful?
Yep no bed should be without one. What I mean is spring in the air.
Well if you say so watch but I ain't much of a pole Walter.
Maybe we better switch the subject. Where you been all day? Up in Central Park seeing the sights.
And vice versa? Yeah. Boy what fun I had feeding the squirrels. Nuts? Some of them.
Yeah but most of them squirrels are just as normal as you and me. In fact a lot of them are much normaler than people.
Where's that remark? Well sometimes people are stupid.
Up in the park I was watching a sailor out on the lake in a rowboat with his girl.
All he did for two hours was hug and kiss her. Well what's stupid about that?
Well you'd think after months on the ocean the guy'd be sick and tired of water.
Maybe the guy was in love. Love? Yeah. Well what's stupid too? What do you mean?
Well what happens? The guy falls in love with a dame and they get married.
Before you know it they got eight or ten kids and the kids get married.
But he's doing the guys in old man with a bunch of grandchildren. So?
And one day his wife leaves him and he's got to start all over again.
Well I'll see you later. I gotta get down to the police. The police for what?
Well when I was up in the park I found this lady's purse and I'm going down to retain it.
Lady's purse? Let me see it. Yeah.
Hey look at that. Genuine stimulated leather.
Hey and look at here. What?
This picture. It must be the dame that lost it. Look at that bathing suit.
What a tomato. Finnegan forget the police station. What?
Well here's her name and phone number. Mytle Dodger. I'll call her up and talk to her.
You know just to let her know we found the purse that is.
Oh yeah? You ain't kidding me Arch. I know what you're after.
What? The reward.
You ain't kidding. Hello? Is this Mytle Dodger?
Well my name is Archie. I think I found your purse.
Now if I bring it up to you how about a date? You can't leave your girlfriend?
Well what's she like? Is she as buxom as you? Even buxomer huh?
Okay I'll bring a friend for your friend.
Alright. Finnegan come on we got a double date.
Just a minute. What do I have to do?
Oh nothing. Just talk to the dame. Hold her hand. Maybe kiss her goodnight.
Nothing doing. That kissing stuff ain't for me.
You mean you never kissed the dame? Only me mother.
Well your mother's a dame. Yeah but you'd never know it.
Now look Finnegan I got a date and you know kissing a sweetheart is a lot different from kissing your mother.
Oh yeah? What's the difference? About five minutes.
Now come on with me and you'll see for yourself. Hi Arch.
Oh hello Joe. I'm just on my way up to meet a new girlfriend.
Oh what's she like? Well here look for yourself. Here's a picture in a bathing suit.
Joe. Joe. Joe stop staring so long. Why?
A thing like that could be habit forming.
Very nice Arch. You say you've got a date with her? Yeah I'm on my way up to see her now.
The way you look? Well I might change me suit. Is that all?
Well I might shave. Put on me Blue Jay corn plaster.
What else? Vitalis me hair. Oh Arch I'm glad you said that.
Joe I thought you'd be. Sure because there's nothing like Vitalis to make your hair look its best.
Make you look your best. Make you look well groomed. After all Arch you're a handsome devil.
I didn't think you could.
I do want to spoil all those good looks by showing up with dry unruly hair.
Oh perish forbid. Vitalis will tame down dry unruly hair. Make it look well groomed but without a greasy patent leather shine.
There's no mineral oil in Vitalis you know. Vitalis doesn't contain a single drop of it.
Just pure vegetable oil so your hair is left natural looking, handsome in a masculine way.
So Arch why don't you give yourself a Vitalis 60 second workout before your date tonight and you'll attract any girl.
Okay Joe I'll use the Vitalis now is that all you have to say? Yeah except that Vitalis is a goodbye.
Goodbye Joe.
Hey Mrs. Arch you better hurry up you've been standing in front of that mirror for ten minutes.
Hmm yeah no wonder James is nuts about me. That profile, that sensitive face.
Linda Christian how could you do it?
Eddie I gotta look me best tonight. Now you got a nail file? Yeah yeah.
Thanks I gotta scrape this mud off me shoes.
You know first impressions is important.
What about that cigar butt behind your ear? Oh yeah I'm glad you reminded me.
I'll put a Corona Corona band around it.
I think maybe I better get myself a new suit too. Where you gonna get it? Salvation Army?
Don't be cryptic. It happens I have a new tailor the Duke of Kemp tailoring emporium limited.
This the place where you walk three flights down?
Well you have to make some sacrifices if you want to dress well. I think I'll give him a call.
Hello Duke of Kemp tailoring emporium? Oh hello Mo.
This is Archie. Archie the pair that shoulders with the belt in the back.
Look Mo what have you got in a well fitting misfit?
A gray tweed with just a slight imperfection?
What's the imperfection Mo? One of the sleeves is missing.
Well frankly I was figuring on something a little more tailored.
Tell me why don't you just pick one out for me. You know one of the good ones the ones you put in the window.
Yeah looks good on the dummy why shouldn't it look good on you?
Quiet. Okay Mo I'll pick it up in a little while.
By the way that's two pair of pants ain't it? And the free catcher's mitt?
Okay see you in a while Mo. Boy I'm gonna knock that Myrtle Dodd's eyes out.
Yeah and he for nothing that they call you Archie the playboy.
Some playboy. What did you say?
Nothing. I know but how did you express it this time?
What was that crack about the playboy?
Well all I say is there's two kinds of men that take a girl out.
Namely? Well there's the one type that takes you out and buys you lobster and champagne.
And then there's your type. A quick beer and a struggle.
This from a dame that sits by the telephone praying for wrong numbers.
Tell you what? Yeah?
About our date tonight do you suppose the girls would notice it if I didn't go along?
Now look Finnegan you can't back out now the dates all set.
Well where are we gonna take them Arch?
Well I wonder how much the store club would cost. Let me call them up.
Hello store club? How much do you charge for dinner for four people?
Thank you.
Hello Toots yours? Is Toots there?
Well see how close you can get him to the phone will ya?
Hello Toots this is Archie at Duffy's Tavern.
Well we're taking a couple of dames out tonight and since I'm a fellow restaurant owner
well I don't want to haggle but what sort of a professional rate could you give me?
Uh huh. Let's haggle.
You don't lower your prices for nobody?
Well look I'm planning to spend about four bucks where do you think I should go?
Mr. Shore there I can go for nothing.
Hey look Arch you gotta let me out of this day.
Why?
Well you know me I don't know how to act in them high class night clubs.
Well there's nothing to worry about you just walk in and you're greeted by the maid at D.
Who's that?
The guy that throws you out.
That is ordinarily but if you got the money he leads you over to the table see
then when you get to the table that's when you start cutting corn.
Huh?
Well you carelessly say to him, oh well Capitan I think I shall place our dinner order later.
What's the idea of that?
Well this is to give the dame you with a chance to fill up on bread.
Then I told you you stall her a little while longer by dancing.
Dancing are you mad and let her work up an appetite?
Yeah but sooner or later she gonna get hold of that menu.
Well not necessarily if a gentleman is well bred he always looks at the menu first see
and if he sees something like a pressed duck for four dollars and fifty cents.
Yeah?
Then he quick breathes on the dames bifocals and fogs them up.
Boy, you sure been around.
I think I know a few angles.
There's a lot of little tricks Finnegan you know like how to nonchalantly slip your hand
under the napkin thus giving the appearance that one is actually leaving the waiter a tip.
And how I'm leaving the nightclub to avoid giving the doorman a gratuity you see.
You send him down to the corner for a taxi and walk off in the other direction.
But enough of this instruction I gotta get down to the dook of Kent and get that suit.
Well fellas look me over.
How do you like me new suit?
Well pull down the shades and call me Sunset.
Now aside from the colors how do you like the tailoring?
Let's see turn around.
Okay.
From the back the front looks perfect.
Miss Archer them trousers.
What about the trousers?
Well ain't they a little tight across the chest?
Eddie after all you gotta remember this suit was made for somebody else.
Oh and then the circus left town huh?
Maybe it ain't perfect but you gotta admit it's good value after all.
Only nine bucks with two pairs of pants.
Yeah with pants as tight as that you better bring the other pair along in case of a blowout.
I have never seen such jealousy.
Do I look? Here I am all set for the date.
Hey you got a clean shirt on what happened?
Well it was an accident Arch. I thought I was playing a slot machine.
Yeah.
It turned out to be one of them automatic laundries.
Hey them things must be alright though that shirt looks very well laundered.
Oh yeah.
Only thing was it took me 20 minutes to crawl out of the machine.
You got stuck in the machine?
Yeah but I didn't mind Arch.
That spinning around sure clears a guy's head.
Hey look shall we get started here?
Why not as the handkerchief said to the proboscis let's blow.
Well this is Michael's address thing and it's a little bit of a mess.
Let's see.
Little Dodds apartment 27.
27 that must be down here at the end of the hall.
Now remember Finnegan I gave the tailor three bucks deposit and I only got twelve bucks left.
So leave us not let these dames talk us into spending a fortune.
Wait a minute here we are 27.
Yes?
Well have the... have the...
Miss Dodds I would like to...
Sorry the exterminator was here yesterday.
Gee Arch I'm kind of disappointed.
I was hoping me first date would last a little longer.
Wait a minute here.
Yes?
I'm afraid there must be some mistake.
Arch when they slam it twice is that what they mean by a double date?
Knock, knock, knock.
Mydle I got the purse.
Oh come in.
You are Mydle ain't you?
Yes.
Oh well I'm Archie and this is my friend Finnegan there.
He's the one that really retrieved the lost purse.
Yes he does look like a retriever.
Thank you.
By the way where is your roommate?
Oh Gertrude oh she's in the other room I'll call her.
Gertrude?
Yes?
The boys are here.
Okay I'm coming.
Hello boys.
Be good Dan.
She looks like something on television.
I'm sorry I kept you waiting boys but I was putting on my face.
Did she have to put that one on?
Well Gertrude which one do you want the retriever or giraffe neck here?
Oh let's draw match sticks to see who gets who.
Okay here pick a match.
Oh gee mine's shortest I lose.
Oh Archie.
Yes?
Fate has thrown us together.
Fate should get a kick in the teeth.
Oh Mr. Finnegan.
Do I?
Why don't you and I sit over here.
Okay.
Aren't you going to hold the chair for me?
Why it ain't moving.
Look girls we was planning to take you to dinner but.
Why go out to dinner?
We can cook dinner right here.
Okay.
Usually I like to go out where one can dance.
Oh we can dance right here too.
I've been looking for this day more me life.
Well honey when do we start eating?
As soon as the groceries arrive.
Myrtle.
Yes?
The groceries are here.
Oh Gertrude do you have any money?
Not a cent.
Do you Myrtle?
Not a cent.
Well well.
Well.
This is very embarrassing.
We don't seem to have six dollars.
It's embarrassing for me.
I do.
Okay here you are here's the six bucks.
Oh I'll take it.
I'll be back in a second.
Look Myrtle I realize you're with Finnegan.
He is your boyfriend now but how about me holding your hand?
No.
Look honey you realize I'm a very attractive man don't you?
No.
What a stubborn thing.
Look Myrtle why don't you break down and just let me slip me arm around your waist.
Get away from me you crumb.
Myrtle you seem to forget I have six bucks worth of groceries invested in you.
Now look honey I'll leave this talk this over here.
Oh Archie.
What is it now?
Ice cream.
How much?
Three dollars.
Three bucks I suppose you girls are still broke.
I'm afraid so.
Okay here you are Gertrude paid a man three bucks.
Now where was we Myrtle?
Myrtle you're crying what's the matter with you?
It isn't me it's mother.
How much?
What's the matter with her?
She's starving she needs twenty dollars.
Twenty bucks for food?
No for a new upper plate she can't chew.
But I only got three bucks left.
Okay you can owe me the other seventeen.
What have we got into here?
Who's that?
Oh just a second I'll find out.
Yes?
Is this Myrtle's daughter?
Yes.
Well you don't know me but I happen to find your purse.
Oh no.
Come on Finnegan brother are we lucky to get out of that joint them dames clipped me for twelve bucks.
Yeah what suckers.
Yeah we sure was.
Well I mean the dames.
What do you mean the dames?
Look what I swiped from the grocery bag a whole salami.
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The.
It's time now to leave Duffy's Tavern for this evening.
But let's meet here again at the same time next Wednesday.
Duffy's Tavern is brought to you by Vitalis for well groomed hair.
And Trouche the hand lotion with the beforehand extra.
Each Wednesday Bristol Myers brings you Duffy's Tavern.
And Mr. District Attorney which follows immediately over most of these stations.
This is NBC the national broadcasting company.