It's Duffy's Tavern, the Friday night transcribed feature on NBC's all-star festival of comedy,
music, mystery, and drama.
Brought to you by the makers of Anison, for fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis,
neuralgia, and by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in
television.
Now, here we go friends, to Duffy's Tavern with our guest, Joan Bennett, and starring
Archie himself, Ed Gardner.
Hello, Duffy's Tavern, where the elite meet the Archie the manager speaking.
Duffy ain't here.
Hello, Duffy.
Big crowd here tonight.
A whole bunch of familiar faces I ain't seen for months.
I don't know, must have been a jailbreak.
Yeah, you should see the list of reservations.
John Story Jackson, Machine Gun Van Smite, Slop Bucket Sal, Nellie the Safecracker, Joan
Bennett.
Joan Bennett, Duffy, you know her.
Well, remember when you married Mrs. Duffy 25 years ago and she stood there wearing a
lovely bridal veil?
Well, Joan looks like what you expected to find when you lifted the veil.
Yeah, and a beautiful face too.
A figure, well, you know, it's kind of nice and slatsy.
One of them debutant figures, you know, comes out in all the right places.
Yeah, and very refined, you know, real déclasse.
Kind of a dame that you don't whistle at.
You can't, your tongue is hanging out.
Well, she don't know it Duffy, but tonight Joan Bennett hits the high peak of her career.
Yep, she's going to have a date with me.
Well, we're probably taking a show and go to a nightclub and naturally I'll have to
pelt her with flowers and bomb bombs.
And Duffy, you know, that would run into quite a bit of dough, so I was wondering if maybe
you could see a way clear to...
Hello?
I guess he wants to take it with him.
Say, Jascha, Jascha, where is that Jascha Paneoslav?
How do you do?
Say, boss, you are calling me?
Well if I holler for Jascha Paneoslavnik, who else would I be calling?
I don't know.
Jascha Paneoslavnik is such a common name.
Yes, it is, just like John Smith.
That name I never heard of.
You've never been in the hotel business.
However, what I wanted to tell you, Jascha, I just remembered, I owe you five bucks.
That is correct.
Tell me, would you mind giving me an extension on that loan?
An extension?
Yeah, could you let me have another five?
Well, what do you say?
How about it, Jascha?
Tell me, Captain John Smith.
By the way, for what purpose are you wanting this five dollars that I am not lending you?
Well I'm planning to take Joan Bennett out tonight and paint the town red.
Paint the town red?
Yeah.
These days on five dollars you won't even tint it.
Well, we'll see about that.
Miss Duffy?
Yeah?
Look, I'm in a gym.
I got a date with Joan Bennett tonight.
Joan Bennett?
Yeah.
What makes you think she'd go out with you?
Pray why not?
Well, a movie star like her can get dates with men that are handsome and glamorous.
Continue.
And intelligent.
Yes.
Cultured.
You see, I can't miss.
The only thing is I got to have five bucks.
You're going to take out Joan Bennett with five bucks?
Well, with a high class tomato like that, you can't be cheap.
Now, say, you got to go whole hog.
Hello, Arch.
Oh, good night.
Trust you are well this evening, Clifton, old pal?
Don't act so friendly.
I heard the conversation.
Oh.
Well, have you got any dough?
Not until I get me allowance.
Your allowance?
Yeah.
The 50 cents a week me father gives me for taking a bath.
You make your poor father give you 50 cents a week to take a bath?
Why not?
Me mother gives him a buck a week to take one.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
So he splits it with me and I take it for him.
Well, that sounds like a nice, clean deal.
Yeah.
By the way, Arch, what do you need the five bucks for?
Well, I'm going to take out a dame.
You got to spend five bucks on a dame?
Yeah.
Five bucks on a dame?
Yeah.
But, Arch, for that kind of dough, you could buy a catcher's mitt.
Finnegan, there's other things in the world to get excited over besides catcher's mitts.
You mean fielders gloves?
I mean dames.
Oh, damn things.
Don't tell me you don't like dames.
Nah.
All I want to do is to go out with you, hold your hand, kiss you.
Well, is that bad?
I don't know.
So far, I ain't let none of them get away with it.
Well, it's a wait your zone.
Now, where can I get five bucks, though?
Arch, what about the cash register?
Oh, Finnegan, you know I could never do a thing like that.
But if I should turn my back and a friend of mine should...
Oh, I get it, Arch.
Close your eyes.
Say, Arch, would you like to borrow five bucks?
Oh, thank you, Finnegan.
Wherever did you find it?
If I had the wings of an angel...
Now, look, Yasha, this is not Larson.
The cash register is just lending me five bucks.
Yes, just like the trains used to lend money to Jesse James.
Miss Duffy, give me that phone, will you?
Who are you calling?
El Morocco.
I'm gonna preserve Joan Bennett.
What?
You didn't give me a chance to finish.
I'm gonna preserve Joan Bennett and me a table at El Morocco.
It's great to be young, loved, warm corpse suckles in your veins.
And a hot five in your pocket.
Hello?
El Morocco?
I'd like to talk to Elmer.
Oh, then who is the manager?
John Perona?
Oh, he's an old friend of mine.
Put him on.
Hello, John, this is Archie of Duffy's Tavern.
I'd like to reserve a table for...
Archie.
Tall with the pinstripe suit.
No table.
Well, look, I don't know whether it means anything,
but a couple of friends of mine are associated with your organization.
Well, there's a Mr. Ryan and a Mr. Johanson no longer with you.
Oh, you're using an electric dishwasher now.
Well, look, anyway, just for old time's sake, John, how about a table?
Call you again around the middle of October.
Nothing sooner, say around September.
Oh, too bad.
I'm coming down with Joan Bennett.
A ringside table, huh?
Well thanks, John, old pal.
Nice to talk to you again.
You see, Miss Duffy, there's magic in me name.
And now if you don't mind, will you watch the place for a minute?
I got to go down to Cavendish the Undertaker.
Cavendish the Undertaker?
What for?
Well, in case Miss Bennett wants to go formal, I got to say that she has flowers.
What a lucky girl.
Yes, thank you.
I can see her now in El Maraca with that wreath around her neck.
Half of the people will think she's a movie star, and the other half will think she's
just won the Kentucky Derby.
Hey, you're nuts, Miss Duffy.
There's a very hip crowd at El Maraca, and I'm quite sure that they're aware that a filly
never won the Kentucky Derby since 1950.
Excuse me.
Hello?
Who's this?
The barbershop?
Oh, just a second.
It's for you, Miss Duffy.
It's your boyfriend, Tony the barber.
Well, tell him I ain't here.
Hello?
She says she ain't here.
Huh?
Okay.
He's just to tell you he didn't call you.
Oh, that cheap barber.
Tell him to go soak his head.
Hello, Tony.
Go soak your head.
Huh?
Okay, I'll tell him.
What'd he say?
He says in the future you can shave yourself.
Give me that phone.
Look, Anthony, you got a nerve calling me after that party Saturday night.
Well, every time I looked at you, you were all red with lipstick.
You can explain the lipstick?
How?
You're part Indian?
Forget this, Anthony.
Our engagement is over.
I'm not making any more payments on the ring.
Goodbye.
Archie, now that I've broken up with Anthony, how about going out on a double date?
What do you mean?
Well, you have a date with Joan Bennett.
How about getting one of your friends for me?
Look, Miss Duffy, I know two kinds of guys.
Them I like and them I dislike.
Them I like, I ain't gonna get a date with you.
And them I dislike, that much I don't dislike.
Now, get your mind back on business and watch the joint here.
I gotta go out and dig up some flowers for Joan Bennett.
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Oh, Miss Duffy, which dinner shall I serve Miss Joan Bennett?
The 50 cent dinner or the dollar dinner?
What's the difference?
The food is the same.
Most of course, but for the dollar dinner, you sit closer to the stomach palm.
Don't be funny, Yasha, just take good care of Miss Bennett, and don't forget, she and
I are double dating tonight.
Double dating?
Yeah.
Whom may I ask is taking you?
Well, uh, Faye, what are you doing tonight?
So sorry, I have a previous engagement with the stomach pump.
Oh, you men, you're all alike, I suppose if I was a movie star, it'd be different.
If you was a movie star, you'd be different.
Oh yeah?
Well, I've seen pictures of them movie stars, and believe me, when they get up in the morning,
they're just flesh and blood too.
You're so right, dearie.
Say, who are you?
I'm Joan Bennett.
I'll take the flesh.
Well, Joan Bennett, look at you, you don't look a day over.
Pardon me.
Who are you?
Don't you remember?
Well, the face is familiar.
Do you have a name?
I'm Miss Duffy.
Oh yes, Miss Duffy.
Oh, I'm Miss Duffy.
Oh, I'm Miss Duffy.
Oh, I'm Miss Duffy.
Oh, I'm Miss Duffy.
Oh yes, Miss Duffy.
Yeah, gee, I haven't seen you for five years.
That's right, and I haven't seen you for five years either.
Putting our little weight, aren't you dearie?
By the way, how's Archie these days?
Oh, about the same.
As jerky as ever, huh?
Where is he?
He went out for some flowers.
He's gonna ask you for a date tonight.
Oh, goody.
Don't be flattered.
He'll make a pass at anything.
Has he ever made a pass at you?
Well, let's change the subject.
All right, what'll we talk about?
Let's get back to men.
Ain't it awful how hard it is to get a date?
Honest, these days one lipstick lasts me for three or four months.
How about you?
How are you doing?
Oh, I do okay.
I get a date anytime I want.
How?
It's a cinch.
I just tell them I'm Connie's sister.
How does Connie get dates?
She tells them she's Barbara's sister.
Oh, you gotta have pull.
Well, I wish you could do something to get me a date.
Well, you shouldn't have too much trouble.
But I'm so fussy and hard to please.
Then find someone who isn't.
That's my trouble.
I just can't even find anyone like that.
Well, I'll do what I can for you, Miss Duffy.
Maybe we can go out on a double date.
A double date?
Oh, gee, Joan, that'd be wonderful.
Is it a promise?
Okay, it's a promise.
Joan, I'm sorry to have kept you waiting for me.
How long have you been dialatory?
I've only been here for 10 minutes.
Oh, 10 minutes, huh?
Did it seem like a lifetime?
Well, now that you mention it, no.
Well, anyway, I'm glad to see you.
By the way, these flowers is for you.
Oh, well, thank you.
I'll bet they were lovely.
Well, they may seem to droop a little, but that, dear lady, is because they are bowing
their petals in deference to thine own far greater beauty.
A very pretty speech.
Thank you.
Incidentally, dear, stems don't stack up with yours neither.
May I place them around your neck?
Please, a wreath.
Stop worrying.
In Hawaii, it's quite the custom, you know.
Just a minute.
What's this card?
What card?
It says, goodbye, Joe.
Sign the boys of local 802.
That just shows it was grown in a Union hothouse.
Say, Arch!
Yeah, Finnegan.
Why don't you say we go down to the ballpark and bat out some fungos?
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm busy, Finnegan.
How about you, sister?
I'd love to, but I forgot to bring my mask and chest protector.
Well, some other time.
Say, Arch, is this the day we're going to spend all that dough on?
Yeah, Finnegan.
Well, take a look.
What do you think?
I'd still rather have a catcher's mitt.
Finnegan, you are being very impolite to a very famous lady.
Famous?
You've seen the woman in the window?
Have I?
Every night across the alley.
You sure look different with your street clothes on, sister.
Finnegan, please.
You'll have to pardon Finnegan Jones.
You see, when he was an infant, he was a bottle baby.
But lots of babies are bottle babies.
Inside the bottle?
Finnegan, please.
Your brains.
Well, what about them?
They went that-a-way.
Well, they won't get away this time.
Hey, you, come back here!
Oh, no, no.
Look, Joan, leave us get back to business here.
I don't know whether you know it or not, but it happens that I'm not married.
You're not?
No.
I'm your best friend and girlfriend.
You don't?
No, I'm not doing nothing tonight, neither.
You lead a pretty dull life, don't you?
Well, look, what I'm trying to say is I'd like a date with you tonight.
No fooling?
Well, maybe a little.
Well, what do you say?
Well, I don't know, Archie.
I'm kind of afraid to go out with you.
Why?
Well, you're so devastating.
Suppose I fall madly in love with you.
Listen, Joan, I think too much of you to let you get hurt.
I'll tell you what, at first I'll only turn on half of me divestitation.
Well, what do you say?
They're waiting for us at El Marroco.
El Marroco?
Wasn't that expensive?
You think you're going out with a bum?
Look, honey, them flowers I gave you, not that I'm beefing, but they set me back a sweet
half a buck.
No, and that ain't tin.
Oh, say, Joan.
Yes, Mr. Duffy?
I just got some of this new Lady Mandelbaum's face cream, and I can't for the life of me
remember.
Before you put it on, do you open your pores or close them?
In my case, I just leave them slightly ajar.
What kind of cream is that again?
It's called Lady Mandelbaum's Hormone Cream.
Do you use much of it?
Oh, every night.
First, I put on the Vanishing Cream, and then I put Almond Cream on my lips, and then I
cover it all over with cold cream.
Does it help?
Yeah, but she has to sleep with her head in the icebox to keep her face from curdling.
Be quiet, Archie.
Joan, don't forget our double you-know-what.
I won't.
Look, Joan, this place is very unconducive to romance.
Why do you say we shove over to El Marroco, huh?
All right, Archie, I'll go out with you on one condition.
What is it?
What do you mean, you say?
What is it?
I want you to get a date for a friend of mine.
For a friend of yours?
And how?
Give me that phone.
Hello, Frankie.
Arch, how's it?
How's it going, boy?
Hey, how'd you like to go stepping with a dame tonight?
Huh?
Just a second.
Joan, I forgot to ask you.
What's your friend's name?
Miss Duffy.
Frank, I'll call you back.
Joan, tell me that me ears just heard a mirage.
No, Archie, I think Miss Duffy is a very nice girl.
And if you can't find a fellow for her, then our date is off.
Got to get a fellow.
Oh, Brooklyn Navy Yard?
You got anyone there that's been away for a long, long time?
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Now, when am I going to get a date for Miss Duffy?
Oh, Finnegan.
Yeah, what?
Finnegan, would you like to do a favor for your old friend Archie?
For you, Arch, I'd do anything.
I'd climb the highest mountain.
I'd swim the deepest river.
I'd stick me head in the furnace.
Good boy, Finnegan.
I knew I could count on you.
To do what, Arch?
To go out with Miss Duffy.
Arch, couldn't I just stick me head in that furnace?
Another one of me foul-witted friends.
Wait a minute, oh, Yasha.
At your service, boys.
Yasha, how would you like to go dancing with Miss Duffy?
Unfortunately, I am unable to dance with a broken leg.
Your leg ain't broken.
I'll break it.
Oh, listen, drop it.
Look, Joan, can't we just go out alone?
No, we made a bargain.
We don't go out unless you get a date for Miss Duffy.
Oh, but this is terrible.
Who'd go out with her?
This is a face worse than death.
Wait a minute, I got a guy that might do it.
He had a big shot, too.
This guy makes a lot of dough.
Oh, Fulton Fish Market?
Mackerel department, please.
Hello, Mackerel?
I'd like to talk to Willie Hockhouser.
Yes, the head mackerel scraper.
You like Willie, Joan.
He's a great guy.
Yes, he sounds like quite a catch.
Yeah, it came up the hard way, you know.
Started out as a mere boy scraping sardines.
We can't ask Miss Duffy to go out with a fish scraper.
Why not, though?
I wear a lot of perfume.
Quiet.
Hello, Willie?
Arch.
Say, Willie, how'd you like to go out on a double date tonight?
Well, mine's Joan Bennett.
Who's yours?
Miss Duffy.
Okay.
What'd he say?
He says he'll scrape mackerel, but he won't scrape the bottom of the barrel.
That Willie Hockhouser, my father had bought his last mackerel from him.
Look, Joan, can't we forget Miss Duffy and just let you and me be a gaysome twosome?
No, Archie, either get a date for Miss Duffy or you'll be a lonesome onesome.
But Joan, you don't know what you're asking.
Three matrimonial bureaus have classified this name 2G.
Too ghastly.
I don't know who to get.
How about that Flores friend of yours?
Maybe he can dig up one of his friends.
Miss Duffy, if the guy ever came back to life, the shark could kill him.
Oh, no, we've got to get somebody else now.
Say, Arch, what about Niles McConnell?
Hey, that's an idea.
What's his number again?
Wait a minute, Archie.
That's not that dopey Niles McConnell that hangs around Hurley's saloon all day.
Yeah, I can't think of his number.
Niles McConnell, that four-headed jerk with thick glasses?
Yeah.
With the cauliflower ears and the gold teeth?
That's him.
Circle 7, 8-3-9.
Thanks.
Hello, Niles.
This is Archie.
Look, I'd like you to do me a favor.
What is it?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What do you mean, no?
I didn't even ask you.
Oh, the guys from the Fulton Fish Market tipped you off.
Ms. Duffy, I'm afraid we are now fighting the grapevine.
Wait a minute.
I'll get Ms. Duffy a date.
Let me have that phone.
Hello, Boris?
What are you doing?
Swell.
Meet us at El Marroco in half an hour.
Who was that?
Boris Karloff.
Wait a minute.
Boris Karloff.
That's a little too tough by Ms. Duffy, ain't it?
With all the actors, you know.
Why Boris Karloff?
Well, as Ms. Duffy says, we girls should stick together and I don't think her date should
be any better looking than mine.
I'm sure she'll look good in all her dresses today.
Listen again next week, friends, to Duffy's Tavern, the Friday night transcribed feature
on NBC's All-Star Festival of Comedy, Music, Mystery and Drama, brought to you by the makers
of Anison for fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis, neuralgia, and by RCA Victor, world
leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television.
Listen tomorrow evening for The Man Called X, starring Herbert Marshall, the Saturday
night feature of the All-Star Festival.