For Camels from Hollywood.
Camel cigarettes present Ed Wynn and Ed's guests Elsa Lanchester and Reginald Gardner.
I wouldn't drive one of those things, they're too dangerous.
I wouldn't drive one of them for anything.
That guy smokes all the time.
You know everybody in Hollywood rides motorcycles.
Really they do.
Clark Gable?
Clark Gable rides a motorcycle.
His wife rides... that's how they got married.
Didn't you ever hear this story?
This is a true story.
Clark Gable was out riding one Sunday on a motorcycle.
Lady Ashley, who was later to become his wife, was riding a motorcycle.
They stopped for a red light.
She looked over, she said, Clark, do you like to ride motorcycles?
He said, I do.
And Clark said to her, do you like motorcycles?
She said, I do.
And before the light changed, someone pronounced a man and wife.
If that had been a green light, Clark Gable would have been a bachelor today.
Oh, thank you.
I'm so glad.
Ladies and gentlemen, well as a matter of fact, this...
Well I have an invention here just for the men.
So you ladies, if you don't care to watch it, it's perfectly all right with me.
This is for men.
This invention is for men who don't want to shave.
See?
It's a beard.
It's not brilliant.
I just wanted to show it to you.
But this I consider a definite achievement, ladies and gentlemen.
This is a gas razor.
Which is for houses where there is no electricity, you know.
The light, the pilot light, and the light goes up through there, you know.
And it's a sort of a singe job, you know.
I would suggest as an aftershave lotion, something like barbecue saucers.
Thank you very, very much.
Now ladies and gentlemen, this evening, for instance, there will be things that will absolutely
astonish you.
I would like to say first...
Reginald, Reginald Gardner.
Why, this is Reginald Gardner of the movies.
Formerly, Reginald Gardner of the movies.
Formerly?
Aren't you in pictures anymore?
The cinema, sir, has been replaced by two commodities.
Television and popcorn.
Of the two, popcorn is by far the fresher.
There's an insult there someplace.
I haven't time to look it up.
It's only a half hour show, you know.
But Reggie, what are you really doing here?
What are you doing here, Reggie?
Your producer engaged me as your butler.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I don't need a butler.
The scene addresses me, I don't...
Your producer thought that my presence on the show might give to your program a certain
amount of savoir-faire.
Je ne sais quoi.
Joie de vivre.
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.
My producer thought that?
That's a dreadful thing.
Reginald, you're a big star in the movies, really.
I'm astonished.
I don't know what...
You have a great job at 20th Century Fox.
No, Ed, I had a great job at 20th Century Fox.
In fact, I was going to play the lead in 12 O'Clock High.
Don't tell me...
Didn't you get that part in 12 O'Clock High?
No, no, Ed.
I'm sorry.
I'm afraid I did not.
You see, one morning, Mr. Zanuck caught me high at 11.30.
It's been a much luckier year for Gregory Peck and Clement Attlee.
Ah, well...
I didn't know there was so much smog in my clothes.
I really didn't.
Stop this, Reggie.
I don't need a butler.
But my dear sir, you cannot do a television show looking like this.
My dear sir, if I didn't look like this, I couldn't do a television show.
But now, stop this butler business, Reggie.
Let me tell you something.
I want to show you one of the new movies for my sponsor, Camel Cigarettes, you know.
It's a cartoon.
Do you like cartoons?
Well, if they're cartoons of camels, I love them.
My sponsor will probably discharge me and engage him for that remark, you know that?
Get off of here, Reggie.
I'll show you the film.
Come on.
You realize, sir, the olduğess of this incestuous state of Hispanics is rather poor.
Here's a special announcement of interest to all people with dirty clothes.
Ed Wynn has opened a new hand laundry.
All patronage is appreciated.
This laundry, I've got so much weight to do in the laundry.
I have a lot of ironing to do.
It's been so busy, I have to iron these things out.
They're ready for delivery now.
The phone, wait a minute, the phone, the phone.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Hello?
Who is this?
Mr. Boris Karloff?
Oh yes.
Yes, Mr. Karloff.
Yes, this is the hand laundry, that's right.
I say it is a hand laundry.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
No, no, it is a hand laundry, but watch, no, that's ridiculous.
He wanted me to come over and pick up a pack of dirty hands.
Can I speak to you for a moment, my good man?
Elsa Lanchester.
Lanchester, I don't understand, what are you doing with that towel wrapped around you there?
Well, a lady can't walk down the street without something on.
Yes.
You could have worn a dress.
I never thought of that.
You are clever.
Possible.
Aren't you supposed to be appearing in the Tainabow Theatre in Hollywood there?
What are you doing here?
That's what I want to know.
I've come to make a complaint about your laundry.
Oh, you, isn't that silly?
You put too much starch in my nightgown.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
We never starch our nightgown here.
You starched mine and it kept me up all night.
I tell you, we never put starch in the nightgown.
I'm very sorry, but you did put starch in my nightgown.
This is getting maddening to me.
I say we do not starch nightgowns in this laundry.
We never starch nightgowns.
And if you say we did starch your nightgown, then for heaven's sake, bring the nightgown that is starched and let me see it.
Well?
What's that?
I say show me the starched nightgown.
That's what I'm talking about.
Don't well me.
Where is the starched nightgown?
Well, I stood it up and it fell down and broke.
This is the nightgown.
I'll try to take the starch out of the pieces here.
Here, where's my other bundle?
I want my bundle.
Right back here.
Maybe it's my hat.
No, that's not yours.
That's wet wash.
Just a minute.
This must be yours.
Right here.
Yes, I want my costume.
Is that your blouse?
It looks like it, yes.
There's your laundry mark on it.
What are you looking for?
I want my stage costume.
Where is it?
Your costume?
Not here.
It isn't there?
No.
Well, let's see.
Come down here.
Can you put that on?
Yes, that's been starched.
That's been starched.
I bet it's my Indian number.
Yeah, what do you mean Indian number?
How do you like it?
Well, it doesn't go well with a towel, you know.
Well, is this better?
No, it isn't.
I think the other was better.
What?
Here, here are pins.
This woman astonished me.
What kind of a number is this?
It's a Maharani, an Indian Maharani.
She sends to Hollywood to find a man, a Maharaja.
These will be very useful.
Yeah, well, I'll tell you what.
There's the rest of my costume.
What is that?
We were looking for it.
It goes here.
That's part of your costume?
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You all right?
Yeah.
Now you're ready.
You're going to do more.
I'm sorry I can't watch you.
I've got so much laundry to do, you know.
I have to scorch a lot of shades here before I send it out.
Somewhere east of Punjab lies a little state of swat.
Where the elephants wear golden pants and the weather is always hot.
There in her ivory palace, the Maharani rules.
While around her couch, her ministers crouch on 17 silver stools.
But the Maharani is fretful.
Oh, not a mate can she get.
She's feeling so ted-a-ted-ful.
But there's no one for ted-a-ted.
All the princesses seem to be taken.
They're a much too popular lot.
So the Maharani can't find a Johnny to be Maharaja of swat.
Oh, the Maharani of swat.
She's in a difficult spot.
Tom or Dick or Harry can never marry the Maharani of swat.
Lately she has decided on a rather daring move.
She figures since she can't get a prince, her ministers approve.
She'll send across the ocean where the picking should be good.
And see if she cannot get a man who's a star in Hollywood.
He'd be an inspiration and his profile like as naught.
Would cause a mild sensation on the postage stamps of swat.
Her grand vizier is protesting, but she looks him in the eye.
And says, my man, if Ali can, then why on earth can't I?
Oh, the Maharani of swat.
See what the industry got.
She can't touch enough and got a pin-up for Maharaja of swat.
A sample came on approval and the sample looked so fine.
She cabled, okay, this man can stay from now on, he'll be mine.
She dressed him in pale pink jog purse and a turban of tiger fur.
And she positively fell for Beau, she'd melt whenever he looked at her.
He was very ornamental, they made a handsome pair.
His smile was oh so gentle, a metro gold ring mare.
Her English is rather sketchy, but she's learned enough to know.
For more affection she whispers, action, camera lights, let's go.
Oh, the Maharani of swat.
Just see what her industry got.
She can't touch enough and got a pin-up for Maharaja of swat.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for, I wonder what it is time for.
Assistant, oh yes, yes, yes.
Now I know it's time, it's time for advertising.
When you see the puff, the time will be exactly right for camel advertising.
See, yeah that's the puff, all right.
Now it's time to do the advertising.
Thank you very, very much, thank you, it was so kind.
Don't show the back of it, you fool.
Everyone knows.
We're just having fun, I don't know.
Everyone knows that camels are popular all over the world, ladies and gentlemen.
So let's visit some camel smokers in a few of the foreign countries of the world.
Or would you rather go some other place?
Open the cadence.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is Greece.
These are all restaurants.
This is a column.
This is an old college for columnists.
Oh, Greek native, would you please entertain our American audience?
Would you come here?
No, no, I just want you to sing.
I do the monologues.
I want you to sing the big song which is sweeping Greece.
Now would you do that?
Yes, yes, let me hear it.
I'm dying to hear this.
Thank you very, very much.
You know, that's the biggest song hit to ever hit the Acropolis in Greece.
And now let's continue our world cruise, ladies and gentlemen.
I shall take you to Mexico.
In Mexico, of course, they pronounce it Me-co as you know.
Mr. Gluskin, would you give me some Me-can music, you know?
Yee-haw!
This is Mexico here.
At one time, this was the biggest drugstore in the world.
And the people who lived here heard that they were selling camels and the rush was so terrific, that's all that's left of the building.
Would you sing some Mexican music for me, please?
Si, senor. Si, senor.
Well, I'll sing Cucaracha to you, too.
But just a minute, I'd like to hear the big song hit of Mexico.
Yes, please.
Sounds the same to me. Sounds like camel song.
Thank you very much, Mr. Gluskin.
This song is just sweeping the whole world.
And now to the mysterious Orient.
Ladies and gentlemen, come to me with China, but they just made a mistake.
The stage hands here.
Are you sure that this is China?
Yeah, that's China.
Give us a little Chinese music, would you please, Mr. Gluskin?
This guy's getting monotonous, you know that?
We are now in China, ladies and gentlemen.
This, this is the Yangtze River.
That's the Yangtze Stadium.
Would you please sing the song that is sweeping all of China?
Well, that's all right with me.
I'll check that and I'll even double check it.
I'll even Chiang Kai-shek that one.
Sing the song that's sweeping all of China.
Silly to me.
Yes, thank you very much.
Can't stop this guy.
They're camels, I know.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, that, of course, that's all the advertising costs I've actually taken you to all the countries in the world, you see.
Just a minute, old boy, just a minute, old boy, and I say the word advisedly.
You've completely forgotten about Great Britain.
They smoke camels there, too, you know.
Oh, I know that, Reggie.
But if we sang the camel song in British, the American people wouldn't understand it.
I beg your pardon.
Oh, no, you don't have to get angry.
That's the whole trouble.
You take some of the great British plays that come over here.
American people don't understand it.
But it's the most absurd thing I've ever seen.
Well, that's what I'm talking about.
I mean, the whole thing, just what you're doing, nobody knows what you're saying.
I nearly pulled a bone there.
But that gives me an idea.
Really, I just got an idea that we've been waiting on all week.
You know, Reggie, I'll tell you what you do.
You get ready for the play, and I will explain to the people who are watching the show
or anything else that is watching the show besides people.
I get a lot of fan mail from field mice, you know.
Reggie, you go and get ready for the play.
Would you do that?
I certainly will.
Jolly ripping.
Yes.
Ladies and gentlemen, now for a great, great British play, which I faithfully have written.
Now, the stars of this play are Miss Elsa Lanchester and Mr. Reginald Gardner.
And of course, the great British actor, Sir...
♪♪
Oh, God.
I can't.
You know, each week, the makers of Camels send free cigarettes to hospitalized servicemen and veterans.
This week's gift camels go to Veterans Hospitals, Rutland Heights, Massachusetts, and New Orleans, Louisiana,
United States Army Station Hospital, Camp Hood, Texas, and United States Naval Hospital, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
The Camel People have now sent more than 190 million gift camels to servicemen, servicewomen, and veterans.
♪♪
Camel boy flu, come blow your horn.
♪♪
Ed Wynn is brought to you over these same stations every Saturday night by Camel Cigarettes.
Next week, Ed's guest will be Miss Ella Logan. Bob Laman speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.