The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show presented by Carnation Evaporated Milk.
Hi everybody. Our curtain's going up in a moment, but we have time to drop down at the
grocery store where George and Gracie do their shopping. Here we are. Oh, there's Mrs. Hanson
from down the block picking up a few grocery items. Amazing woman, Mrs. Hanson, always
sets a marvelous table and yet always manages somehow to stay within her budget. Let's see
what she's getting. Pound of coffee. Oh, and Carnation Evaporated Milk. Well, now she'll
save ten cents right there every time she fills her cream pitcher with Carnation. Carnation,
you know, costs less than half as much as cream. Now, let's see, tomato soup and Carnation
to go with it. Well, now by fixing that soup with Carnation, she'll save three cents over
regular bottled milk. Carnation costs a lot less than bottled milk, you know. And now,
let's see, chocolate pudding and more Carnation. Well, now Mrs. Hanson's smart to fix her chocolate
pudding with Carnation. That'll save her four cents over regular bottled milk. And boy,
will it taste good. Well, all in all, I'd say that Mrs. Hanson's had a very thrifty
day, so you won't blame her for smiling. In fact, you'll smile too at the money you save
in little everyday items and the richer flavor you get when you use Carnation Evaporated
Milk. Uh-oh, curtain going up on George and Gracie.
Children, children, please be quiet so I can hear Aunt Gracie. Gracie, can I back any farther?
Not backwards, Minnie. If you want to back any more, you have to back it forward.
Okay, I'll leave it here. Hi, Aunt Gracie. Hello, Linda. Hello, Jerry. How are you? Oh,
my goodness. Mamie, come on, shall we get a head caught in the goldfish bowl? Oh, that's
not a goldfish bowl. That's a space helmet. Oh. Come on, Joan, get your luggage together
now. Hurry up, girls. Oh, hello, Harry. Guess who just got in from San Francisco? Mamie
Kelly in her trailer and the three reasons I shouldn't have come home for lunch. Look
what she parked this trailer right on my new lawn. She'll ruin it. Oh, Harry, don't be
childish. It'll ruin the lawn before it'll hurt the trailer. Why do I live here? Why
didn't I settle down in... Oh, look at all these funny little people. Space Captain calling
Rocket Patrol. Do you read me? Rocket Patrol speaking. I read you, Space Captain. We've
got a big space balloon. What are your orders? Let Big Balloon have it. Roger. Hey, hey,
hey, hey, stop it. There we are. Oh, I'm so sorry. I told them never to point their guns
at people when they're loaded. Yeah. Oh, Harry isn't loaded. He always looks that way. Come
on, Harry. Oh, wait a minute. I forgot to tell you. I stopped and saw your family before
we left. Your mother wants to be remembered. Oh, my goodness. Now, isn't that silly? I
could never forget her. I've known her all my life. He's not upstairs. He's not in here
either. Let's go tell Aunt Gracie. Okay. Where's Uncle George? Uncle George? Oh, he's in the
den typing. Why don't you run in and say hello to him, but don't disturb him. We won't. All
right. Oh, aren't they cute? Oh, wait a minute. Blanche, come on over. Mamie's here. Say, Mamie,
why didn't Joe come down with you? Well, he is coming later. Oh, Gracie, I've got the
most wonderful news. What? We're thinking of moving down here. Oh, Mamie. Isn't that wonderful?
George, isn't that him? George. George Burns, you should be ashamed of yourself. You didn't
say hello to Mamie. Hello, Mamie. Hello, George. Look, Mamie, I'll play with the children
later. I've got to write a very important speech that I'm making tonight. Oh, of course,
George. And, Gracie, I'm going into the guest room to work. See that I'm not disturbed.
Oh, sure, George. Mamie, how are you? Oh, it's so good to see you. How are the children?
Fine. Oh, Blanche, I have some wonderful news for you. Mamie's going to move down here.
Isn't that exciting? As soon as I find a house and a good school. Oh, Gracie, you know, Shari's
still having trouble with her spelling. Oh, really? Well, why doesn't she do what I do?
If I misspell a word, I don't use it again, and that way I never make the same mistake
twice. Mamie, would you like me to help you find a place to live? I'd love it, Blanche.
Could we start right now? I don't see why not. Now, wait a minute, Mamie. You know, I have
a feeling that there's something we forgot to do. You got that feeling? No, now what
could it be? Gracie, where did the Earthman go? The Earthman? Uncle George. Oh, oh, well,
I can't tell you because if I do, you'll run right into the guest room and disturb him.
Oh, wait a minute. And besides, you've already said hello to... Mamie. What? That's what
we forgot to do. What? Well, you were so busy taking care of the trailer that we forgot
to say hello. Welcome to Los Angeles, oh Mamie. Shari, welcome to Los Angeles. And don't forget
Aunt Blanche, give her a big hug. Welcome to Los Angeles.
MUSIC
Well, I've been a straight man all my life. I've just had my billing changed. I'm now
the Earthman. I love those little girls, but I'll never get that speech finished
if they keep shooting me in the head with those guns. I'm used to ducking when I make
when I make a speech, but not while I'm writing one.
And those toys the kids play with today.
Space suits, rocket ships, atomic ray guns.
You know, they're so scientific, their own fathers can't play with them.
Yes, those little, the things the kids play with today, it's just simply fantastic.
I'll never forget when I was a kid, I, well, oh yeah, I must tell you this.
Before I tell you about myself, I was walking down the street and I saw these two little
boys arguing.
And I said, what are you arguing about?
And one kid said to the other kid, he says, I bet my father can disintegrate your father.
So I said, what's this fight about?
And the little one who was crying, he said, we split an atom and he got the biggest piece.
You know, kids nowadays are geniuses.
I couldn't split an atom until I was 12.
Split an atom.
I had to go to night school to learn how to tie my shoe.
But I did have a space suit when I was a kid.
It was my father's old suit.
That was enough space snit for me and my two brothers.
The only game I remember playing when I was a kid was Cops and Robbers.
Of course, in my neighborhood, we used real cops.
The games the kids played, they, rocket patrol and space captain.
I guess they get the idea from watching all these television shows.
You know, to have a successful television show, you've got to have something fantastic,
something out of this world.
Now, children, it's Coles Day, so you go and swim and wear your swimmers.
You know, I think I've got it.
Anyway, I must...
I'll get it.
Oh, I better take my typewriter and hide upstairs in the bedroom and finish the speech.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mamie.
Have you and Blanche found a house?
Oh, not yet.
Huh?
Uh-huh.
Oh, you're looking at one now?
Well, make sure it's fireproof, and then if the children burn it down, it won't be your
fault.
Uh-huh.
What?
No, I've got everything I need, Mamie.
I even made a strawberry shortcake for dessert.
Uh-huh.
Oh, the children are fine.
Yes, yes.
They're looking for the Earthman.
Oh, oh, oh.
I think they found him.
Bye, Mamie.
Gracie, will you call off the rocket patrol?
They've shot me out of every room in the house.
Now, children, you come down here.
Now, children, the idea that you behave yourselves and left the Earthman alone.
Look, children, why don't you play in your trailer?
But that's a rocket ship.
Good.
Why don't you fly to the moon?
Yeah, let's fly to the moon.
Jet number one.
Jet number two.
Jet number three.
That looks like fun.
Jet number four.
Come back here.
Come back here.
Gracie, I'm making a speech for Mayor Bowron tonight, and I haven't even gotten started
on it.
I'm going out on the patio to work, and if those children shoot me once more, I'm going
to take those guns away from them.
All right, dear.
Uh-oh.
There's someone at the door.
Oh, no, no, wait a minute, George.
It must be Mr. Douglas, the principal of our neighborhood school.
I phoned him to come over.
Come in.
The principal?
Yes, I want to see if his school is good enough for Mamie's children.
Oh, I see.
Hey.
Oh, hi, princess.
Oh, hi.
Oh, hi.
I thought you were Mr. Douglas.
Oh, no.
Well, we do look a lot alike, Gracie, but I'm darker than Kirk Douglas.
Kirk Douglas?
George, did you hear that?
I didn't know that he was the principal of a neighborhood school.
I'm going over to tell Blanche maybe we can go to night school.
Bzzz!
I just came in, and already I'm lost.
What are you doing with the typewriter?
I've got to write, I've got to finish a speech for Mayor Bowron tonight.
Oh, well, I won't bother you then.
Oh, a speech?
George, wait a minute.
I've got a great opening joke for your speech.
Wonderful, I can use it.
Eddie Cantor told this at a dinner for Jimmy Walker when he was mayor of New York.
Well, let's hear it.
And you never heard a laugh in your life like this when Eddie told this joke.
And you'll do it even better because you're a better comedian than Cantor.
I am?
Yeah, I don't work for him anymore.
Let's hear the joke.
Well, every time I think of it, it kills me.
This typewriter is killing me too, the joke, Eric.
Oh, yeah, get this, George.
Now, the mayor is sitting in his office, see, and the chief of police walks in and he says,
hello, your honor, can you lend me $50?
My wife wants to go to Cuba.
So he says, why does she want to go to Cuba?
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.
He, he, he.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Well, Harry, there's more, isn't there?
Oh, sure.
Well, what's the punchline?
Well I was laughing so hard I never heard it.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I didn't hear the finish, why did you laugh?
Oh that was the week I had asked Eddie for the raise.
Oh, that week, I see that same week.
Well, Blanche wasn't home.
Say George, shouldn't you be working on your speech
instead of standing here visiting?
You're right, come on Harry, let's go.
Well maybe I can help you.
All right.
Oh, that must be Mr. Douglas now, the principal.
Don't you want to meet him?
I can't stand here any longer, this is getting heavy.
Oh well here, George, I can give you a lift with that.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Isn't that better?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Better than a joke, I guess.
Doorbell rings.
Come in.
Mrs. Burns?
Yes, ah, oh.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Kirk, what have they done to you?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I beg your pardon?
Are you sure you're Kirk Douglas?
Kirk Douglas?
Goodness no, I'm Mortimer Douglas.
Oh Mrs. Burns, are you having fun with me?
Well, not as much as I would have if you were Kirk.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
But sit down anyway and I'll take your hat.
Thank you.
Now Mr. Douglas, if you can convince me
that you have a good school,
I may have three customers for you.
Customers?
Well yes, the three Kelly sisters,
they are going to move down here from San Francisco.
Oh, I see.
Are they relatives?
Well, they'd have to be if they're sisters.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Yes, well, I'm sure your three, as you say,
customers will like my school.
Are they of grade school age?
Oh yes, and very smart, especially the youngest one.
You know, she was born in 1945
and already she's seven years old.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Well, I'm sure we have no problem
because our system here is the same as San Francisco.
Oh?
We may grade a little differently.
You may what?
Grade.
Here, it's A, B, C, D, F.
Oh, oh, it is different from San Francisco.
There, it's G, R, A, D, E.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Why don't you have them come over with their mother?
Oh, that chair isn't comfortable.
Well, sit in this one.
This will be much better.
Sit right down there.
Now, now, continue.
Well, where were we?
Well, you were sitting here and I was sitting there.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I mean, what were we talking about?
Oh, spelling.
Oh, and by the way,
you have to help the oldest Kelly girl,
Shari, with her spelling.
Oh, I'm sure we can help her.
And can you help her with geography?
Oh, yes.
Oh, good.
You know, she's never been able to spell it.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Here, sit down in this chair.
This is much better.
There, now, isn't that better?
Well, really, Mrs. Burns, I must be going.
May I have my hat?
Oh, your hat?
Oh, of course.
Just a minute.
Mrs. Burns.
Huh?
Are the Kelly children here now?
Oh, that's sweet of you,
but you didn't have to do it.
They've got dozens of them.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Can you hear me, Shari?
Okay, just a minute.
Ah, look, give me that gun.
Come on, I've got some work to do.
In you go.
Oh, you are?
In you go.
Oh, Kelly.
There you go.
Atta girl.
Aren't you a little old for that sort of thing?
Yeah, I guess I am.
Well, Mrs. Burns, I must be running along.
Oh, well, I'm so glad the Kelly children
are going to your school,
because from what you said,
it must be wonderful.
It is, and I want you to know
we've never had any juvenile delinquency.
Oh?
Well, maybe you can get some.
I want the Kelly children to have everything.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Come on.
Come on.
Just got this out of the icebox.
Doesn't that look nice?
I must tell you what happened.
I just said to Gracie
that I'll never be able to get
that Mayor Barron speech finished.
And she said,
you made a speech three weeks ago for Jack Benny.
Why don't you use that one?
So I said it wouldn't make sense
because he's a tightwad.
She said so was Jack Benny,
so it ought to fit perfectly.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Looks good, huh?
Would you like some?
All right, I'll have Harry Bunzel tell you how to get it.
Ha ha ha ha!
Well, actually, it's very simple.
All anyone has to do is look at their issue
of life with this picture on the cover
and then turn to page 150
and there you'll see strawberry shortcake
as only carnation evaporated milk can make it.
Now this recipe is right here
for you to cut out and use.
But that's only half of it
because right here it tells you
how to make the most wonderful
and economical whipped topping with carnation.
Yes, you can actually whip carnation.
I'll show you how simple it is on your screen.
You pour one cup of undiluted carnation
into an ice tray,
just as we're doing here.
And after you've done that,
you place the ice tray in the freezing compartment
of your refrigerator for about 20 minutes.
And as soon as ice crystals have formed,
you take it out,
pour it into a bowl,
and whip for about one minute.
Then you add two tablespoons of lemon juice,
mix it in well,
and then, of course, you add enough sugar
to suit your own taste.
Now you whip this until it's stiff.
That'll take about two minutes.
Now you put your fresh strawberries
in your whipped carnation
between split carnation-made shortcakes.
And there you are,
wonderful shortcake made with carnation
and topped with whipped carnation.
Not only that, but you have saved
over two-thirds the cost of whipping cream.
Now you read about this in Life magazine.
Try the recipe.
You'll find that carnation performs miracles
in shortcake just as it does in many other foods.
Miracle's just not possible
with any other form of milk.
And besides, it costs so little to enjoy carnation,
the milk from contented cows.
♪
Harry's right, you ought to try this.
Well, time is getting short.
I'd better get on my speech.
Johnny, you must meet as Gerrit's honey
because it's the first time you've...
I don't mind what you want.
Gracie!
Hi.
You're back!
Oh, hi, Gerrit.
What you doing?
Speech, writing speech.
Oh, I see you've returned from your travels, Gulliver.
Oh, Harry.
You don't have time anymore
to fix dinner for your husband, huh?
Did you get the note I left you?
Yeah, it was delicious.
I washed it down with some leftover coffee from breakfast.
I went house hunting with Mamie Kelly.
Well, instead of going house hunting,
why don't you stay home and take care of me?
Because I happen to love Mamie Kelly and she's a great...
These kids are going to keep coming in here all the time.
Bang, bang, bang.
I hope you're satisfied.
You've driven George off his own patio.
Oh, I did not.
You were the one that came out here and disturbed him.
I did not. You did.
You were the one who was giving him all the trouble out here.
You kept talking and talking and talking.
All I was telling you was that you wanted to spend more time with him.
George!
George, tell me something.
Did you happen to disturb him or not?
Now, just a minute. Let George speak for himself.
Don't you put words into his mouth.
I'm not putting words into his mouth.
You said you'd driven him away again.
Oh, I was just going to ask you a question.
You always tell me...
You talk, talk, talk.
I don't know what I'm going to do about you.
Every time things...
George!
Just a minute, Glanta. I'll ask you.
Oh, Harry Morton, you struck me.
I gave you a little shove like that.
You did not. You pushed me hard like that.
I gave you a little shove like that.
Harry, hard like that.
Soft like that.
Harry Morton, like that.
I'm going into the kitchen to finish this speech.
And if anybody sticks their head in there,
I'm going to wrap a skillet around it.
Are you going to come fix my dinner now
or do you want to go over there
and make enemies at the next door?
I'll take care of it.
I'll take care of it.
I'll take care of it.
I'll take care of it.
I'll take care of it.
I'll take care of it.
Why you overgrown little children.
Hey, let's take over the room again.
Yeah.
Jet Number One.
I can't.
Why not?
Jet Number One is using her panties.
Applause!
Ehhhh!
Jerry stop!
Not in our lawn!
George!
George?
Here look it up from me.
Applause!
How does that feel!
Ahhh!
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, dear, help!
Say, George, that was quick thinking.
My friend George.
He's in the pool, honey.
Oh, George Burns.
The idea of swimming with your clothes on.
That's a fine example to set for those children.
Now look at you.
You're just soaking wet.
If you're going to stay in the pool any longer,
at least put on some dry clothes.
You don't believe that was me who dived in the pool, huh?
Matter of fact, I dived in twice.
Once to rescue Jet Number One,
and once to rescue her equipment.
Well, time is getting short.
I've got to get on that speech again.
George, Mamie has taken the children out for a walk.
Everything's going to be quiet.
Blanche took Harry out shopping,
and now you'll have time for your own shopping.
Blanche took Harry out shopping, and now you'll have time for your speech.
Wonderful. What are you going to do?
I'm going to answer my sister Hazel's letter.
Okay, good, good.
Would you like a chair to sit down?
Yes, oh, thank you, please.
All right, there you are.
Oh, thank you.
Right there.
I'll put this here.
Okay, now, there you are.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Why didn't you take the ink over with you?
I scared you.
Here you are.
Thank you.
Gracie, I don't want to be disturbed.
Thank you.
Isn't it funny?
I couldn't write in there either.
Oh, here's the paper.
Oh, I better read the paper.
Oh, dear, that's a good idea.
That'll keep the sun out of your eyes.
Let me see.
Oh, here's the parchment.
Hey, George, I remembered how that guy...
Oh, he's been out in the sun too long.
Look at the size of that blister.
I'm going to knock it.
George, I want to apologize for Blanche's interrupting.
Oh, I did not interrupt you.
I've seen everything.
A husband under glass.
It keeps the sun out of his eyes.
Oh.
What's going on?
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
And carnation for you, Mr. Poncelle.
Well, thank you very much.
Well, folks, did you notice the wonderful healthy smiles on those kids?
They were not only carnation babies,
but those girls still get their regular supply of carnation every day,
and that's something you can do for your family.
Let them go on enjoying the healthful benefits of carnation
by giving them carnation to drink mixed with an equal amount of water.
And use nourishing carnation in your cooking too.
There is no finer milk in the world to develop strong, sturdy bones and teeth.
Abundantly supplied with milk minerals and vitamin D,
carnation is wonderful growing food for babies,
so it's no wonder that eight out of ten mothers who use carnation
say their doctor recommended it.
That's the milk every doctor knows.
And now here's carnation's own contented couple,
who incidentally this week were honored by receiving Sylvania's Pioneer Award
for their work in radio and television, our own George and Gracie, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Gracie and I will be back again two weeks from tonight.
And next week, don't forget to watch those nice people, Mary Healy and Peter Lynn Hayes.
And Gracie, wasn't that a nice surprise, winning the Sylvania Award?
Wasn't it though?
And oh, I've got a surprise for you.
Mamie's husband is coming down to visit her tonight,
and you'll have to go to the train and meet him.
What about my speech?
Oh, you don't have to make a speech, just shake hands with him.
Gracie, say goodnight.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Appearing on tonight's show were Sarah Selby as Mamie Kelly,
Pierre Watkins as the principal,
and Jerry James, Linda Plowman, and Jill Oppenheim as the Kelly children.
Next week, be sure to see Star of the Family,
the Peter Lynn Hayes and Mary Healy show on most of these same stations.
Now this is Harry Bonsell saying goodnight for Carnation.
This is the CBS Television Network.