The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show, presented by Carnation Evaporated Milk.
Hi everybody. Our curtain's going up in a moment. Will we have time to drop down at
the grocery store where George and Gracie do their shopping? Here we are. Oh, there's
Mrs. Hanson from down the block picking up a few grocery items. Amazing woman, Mrs. Hanson,
always sets a marvelous table and yet always manages somehow to stay within her budget.
Let's see what she's getting. Pound of coffee. Oh, and Carnation Evaporated Milk. Well, now
she'll save 10 cents right there every time she fills her cream pitcher with Carnation.
Carnation, you know, costs less than half as much as cream. Now, let's see, tomato soup
and Carnation to go with it. Well, now by fixing that soup with Carnation, she'll save
three cents over regular bottled milk. Carnation costs a lot less than bottled milk, you know.
And now let's see, chocolate pudding and more Carnation. Well, now Mrs. Hanson's smart to
fix her chocolate pudding with Carnation. That'll save her four cents over regular bottled
milk. And boy, will it taste good. Well, all in all, I'd say that Mrs. Hanson's had a very
thrifty day, so you won't blame her for smiling. In fact, you'll smile too at the money you
save in little everyday items and the richer flavor you get when you use Carnation Evaporated
Milk. Uh-oh, curtain going up on George and Gracie.
Children, children, please be quiet so I can hear Aunt Gracie. Gracie, can I back any farther?
Not backwards, Mammy. If you want to back any more, you have to back it forward.
Hey, how are you here? Hi, Aunt Gracie. Hi, Linda. Hello, Jerry. How are you? Oh, my goodness.
Mammy, how does Shari get her head caught in the goldfish bowl? Oh, that's not a goldfish bowl.
That's a space helmet. Oh. Come on, Joe, and get your nuggies together now. Hurry up, girls.
Oh, hello, Harry. Guess who just got in from San Francisco? Mammy Kelly in her trailer
and the three reasons I shouldn't have come home for lunch. Look what she parked this
trailer right on my new lawn. She'll ruin it. Oh, Harry, don't be childish. It'll ruin
the lawn before it'll hurt the trailer. Why do I live here? Why didn't I settle down in
Kent? Oh, look, look at these funny little people. Space Captain calling Rocket Patrol.
Do you read me? Rocket Patrol speaking. I read you, Space Captain. We've signed a big
space balloon. What are your orders? Let big balloon have it. Roger. Hey, hey, hey, hey,
stop it. There we are. Oh, I'm so sorry. I told them never to point their guns at people
when they're loaded. Yeah. Oh, Harry isn't loaded. He always looks that way. Come on,
Harry. Oh, wait a minute. I forgot to tell you. I stopped and saw your family before
we left. Your mother wants to be remembered. Oh, my goodness. Now, isn't that silly? I
could never forget her. I've known her all my life.
George! He's not upstairs. He's not in here either. Let's go tell Aunt Gracie. Okay.
Hey, Gracie, where's Uncle George? Uncle George? Oh, he's in the den typing. Why don't you
run in and say hello to him, but don't disturb him. We won't. All right. Oh, aren't they
cute? Oh, wait a minute. Blanche, come on over. Mamie's here. Say, Mamie, why didn't
Joe come down with you? Well, he is coming later. Oh, Gracie, I've got the most wonderful
news. What? We're thinking of moving down here. Oh, Mamie! Isn't that wonderful? George,
come down here. George! Oh. George Burns, you should be ashamed of yourself. You didn't
even say hello to Mamie. Hello, Mamie. Hello, George. Look, Mamie, I'll play with the children
later. I've got to write a very important speech that I'm making tonight. Oh, of course,
George. And, Gracie, I'm going into the guest room to work. See that I'm not disturbed.
Oh, sure, George. Mamie, how are you? Oh, I'm so glad you're here. How are the children?
They're fine. Oh, Blanche, I have some wonderful news for you. What? Mamie's going to move
down here. Isn't that exciting? Isn't that wonderful? As soon as I find a house and a
good school. Oh, Gracie, you know, Shari's still having trouble with her spelling. Oh,
really? Well, why doesn't she do what I do? If I misspell a word, I don't use it again,
and that way I never make the same mistake twice. Mamie, would you like me to help you
find a place to live? I'd love it, Blanche. Could we start right now? I don't see why
not. Now, wait a minute, Mamie. You know, I have a feeling that there's something we
forgot to do. You got that feeling? No, now what could it be? Well, I'm feeling... Gracie,
where did the Earthman go? The Earthman? Uncle George. Oh, oh, well, I can't tell you because
if I do, you'll run right into the guest room and disturb him. Oh, wait a minute. Besides,
you've already said hello to... Mamie. What? That's what we forgot to do. What? Well, you
were so busy taking care of the trailer that we forgot to say hello. Welcome to Los Angeles.
Oh, Mamie. Jerry, welcome to Los Angeles. And don't forget about Blanche. Give her a big
hug. Welcome to Los Angeles.
♪♪
Well, I've been a straight man all my life. I've just had my billing changed. I'm now
the Earthman. I love those little girls, but I'll never get that speech finished if they
keep shooting me in the head with those guns. I'm used to ducking when I make a speech,
but not while I'm writing one. And those toys the kids play with today. Space suits, rocket
ships, atomic ray guns. You know, they're so scientific their own fathers can't play
with them. Yes, those little... The things the kids play with today, it's just simply
fantastic. I'll never forget when I was a kid. I... Well, oh yeah, I must tell you this.
Before I tell you about myself, I was walking down the street and I saw these two little
boys arguing. And I said, what are you arguing about? And one kid said to the other kid,
he says, I bet my father can disintegrate your father. So I said, what's this fight
about? And the little one who was crying, he said, we split an atom and he got the biggest
piece. You know, kids nowadays are geniuses. I couldn't split an atom until I was 12.
Split an atom. I had to go to night school to learn how to tie my shoe. But I did have
a space suit when I was a kid. It was my father's old suit. That was enough space in it for
me and my two brothers. The only game I remember playing when I was a kid was cops and robbers.
Of course, in my neighborhood, we used real cops. The games the kids played today, rocket
patrol and space captain. I guess they get the idea from watching all these television
shows. You know, to have a successful television show, you've got to have something fantastic,
something out of this world.
Now children, it's cold today, so you go and swim in where your sweat hurts.
You know, I think I've got it. Anyway, I must...
I'll get it.
Oh, I better take my typewriter and hide upstairs in the bedroom and finish the speech.
Hello? Oh, hello Mamie. Have you and Blanche found a house? Oh, not yet, huh? Uh-huh. Oh,
you're looking at one now? Well, make sure it's fireproof, and then if the children burn
it down, it won't be your fault.
Uh-huh. Well, no, I've got everything I need, Mamie. I even made a strawberry shortcake
for dessert. Uh-huh. Oh, the children are fine. Yes, yes. They're looking for the Earth
Man. Oh, I think they found him by Mamie.
Gracie, will you call off the rocket patrol? They've shot me out of every room in the house.
Now, children, you come down here. Now, children, the idea that you behave yourselves and left
the Earth Man alone.
Look, children, why don't you play in your trailer?
But that's a rocket ship.
Good. Why don't you fly to the moon?
Now, children, fly to the moon! Jet number one. Jet number two. Jet number three.
That looks like fun. Jet number four.
Come back, Gracie. Gracie, I'm making a speech for Mayor Bowron tonight, and I haven't even
gotten started on it. I'm going out on the patio to work, and if those children shoot
me once more, I'm going to take those guns away from them.
All right, dear.
Uh-oh.
There's someone at the door.
Oh, no, no. Wait a minute, George. It must be Mr. Douglas, the principal of our neighborhood
school. I phoned him to come over. Come in.
The principal?
Yes. I want to see if his school is good enough for Mamie's children.
Oh, I see.
Hey. Oh, hi, Princess.
Oh, hi.
I thought you were Mr. Douglas.
Oh, no. Well, we do look a lot alike, Gracie, but I'm darker than Kirk Douglas.
Kirk Douglas? George, did you hear that? I didn't know that he was the principal of
a neighborhood school. I'm going over and tell Blanche maybe we can go to night school.
Yay!
I just came in and already I'm lost.
What are you doing with the typewriter?
I've got to write, I've got to finish a speech for Mayor Bowron tonight.
Oh, well, I won't bother you then. Oh, a speech?
Yes.
George, wait a minute. I've got a great opening joke for your speech.
Wonderful. I can use it.
Eddie Cantor told this at a dinner for Jimmy Walker when he was mayor of New York.
Well, let's hear it.
And you never heard a laugh in your life like this when Eddie told this joke. And you'll
do it even better because you're a better comedian than Cantor.
I am?
Yeah, I don't work for him anymore.
Let's hear the joke.
Well, every time I think of it, it kills me.
This typewriter is killing me too. The joke, Eric.
Oh, yeah, get this, George. Now, the mayor is sitting in his office, see, and the chief
of police walks in and he says, hello, your honor. He says, could you lend me $50?
My wife wants to go to Cuba. So he says, why does she want to go to Cuba?
Well, Harry, there's more, isn't there?
Oh, sure.
Well, what's the punchline?
Well, I was laughing so hard I never heard it.
You didn't hear the finish. Why did you laugh?
Oh, that was the week I had asked Eddie for the raise.
Oh, that week. I see, that same week.
Blanche wasn't home. See, George, shouldn't you be working on your speech instead of standing
here visiting?
You're right. Come on, Harry, let's go.
Well, maybe I can help you.
Oh, that must be Mr. Douglas now, the principal. Don't you want to meet him?
I can't stand here any longer. This is getting heavy.
Oh, well, here, George, I can give you a lift with that.
Isn't that better?
Better than the Joker, I guess.
Come in.
Mrs. Burns?
Yes, oh.
Kirk, what have they done to you?
I beg your pardon?
Are you sure you're Kirk Douglas?
Kirk Douglas? Goodness, no. I'm Mortimer Douglas.
Oh, Mrs. Burns, are you having fun with me?
Well, not as much as I would have if you were Kirk.
Well, sit down anyway, and I'll take your hat.
Thank you.
Now, Mr. Douglas, if you can convince me that you have a good school, I may have three customers for you.
Customers?
Well, yes, the three Kelly sisters. They are going to move down here from San Francisco.
Oh, I see. Are they relatives?
Well, they'd have to be if they're sisters.
Yes, well, I'm sure your three, as you say, customers will like my school.
Are they of grade school age?
Oh, yes, and very smart, especially the youngest one.
You know, she was born in 1945, and already she's seven years old.
Well, I'm sure we have no problem, because our system here is the same as San Francisco.
Oh?
You may grade a little differently.
May what?
Grade. Here, it's A, B, C, D, F.
Oh, it is different from San Francisco. There, it's G, R, A, D, E.
Why don't you have them come over with their mother?
Oh, that chair isn't comfortable. Well, sit this one. This will be much better. Sit right down there.
Now, continue.
Well, where were we?
Well, you were sitting here, and I was sitting there.
I mean, what were we talking about?
Oh, spelling.
Oh, and by the way, you'll have to help the oldest Kelly girl, Shari, with her spelling.
Oh, I'm sure we can help her.
And can you help her with geography?
Oh, yes.
Oh, good. You know, she's never been able to spell it.
Here, sit down in this chair. This is much better. There, now, isn't that better?
Well, really, Mrs. Burns, I must be going. May I have my hat?
Oh, your hat? Oh, of course. Just a minute.
Mrs. Burns, are the Kelly children here now?
Oh, that's sweet of you, but you didn't have to do it. They've got dozens of them.
Oh, look, give me that gun. Come on, I've got some work to do. In you go.
Oh, you old cow, Jerry.
There you go. Attagirl.
Aren't you a little old for that sort of thing?
Yeah, I guess I am.
Well, Mrs. Burns, I must be running along.
Oh, well, I'm so glad the Kelly children are going to your school, because from what you said, it must be wonderful.
It is, and I want you to know we've never had any juvenile delinquency.
Oh, well, maybe you can get some. I want the Kelly children to have everything.
♪♪♪
I just got this out of the icebox. Doesn't that look nice? I must tell you what happened.
I just said to Gracie that I'll never be able to get that Mayor Bowron speech finished.
And she said, you made a speech three weeks ago for Jack Benny. Why don't you use that one?
So I said it wouldn't make sense because he's a tightwad.
She said so is Jack Benny, so it ought to fit perfectly.
Looks good, huh? Would you like some?
All right, I'll have Harry Bunsell tell you how to get it.
Well, actually, it's very simple. All anyone has to do is look at their issue of life with this picture on the cover,
and then turn to page 150, and there you'll see strawberry shortcake is only carnation evaporated milk can make it.
Now, this recipe is right here for you to cut out and use, but that's only half of it,
because right here it tells you how to make the most wonderful and economical whipped topping with carnation.
Now, you can actually whip carnation. Here, I'll show you how simple it is on your screen.
You pour one cup of undiluted carnation into an ice tray, just as we're doing here.
And after you've done that, you place the ice tray in the freezing compartment of your refrigerator for about 20 minutes.
And as soon as ice crystals are formed, you take it out, pour it into a bowl, and whip for about one minute.
Then you add two tablespoons of lemon juice, mix it in well.
And then, of course, you add enough sugar to suit your own taste.
Now, you whip this until it's stiff. That'll take about two minutes.
Now, you put your fresh strawberries and your whipped carnation between split carnation-made shortcakes.
And there you are, wonderful shortcake made with carnation and topped with whipped carnation.
Not only that, but you have saved over two-thirds the cost of whipping cream.
Now, you read about this in Life magazine. Try the recipe.
You'll find that carnation performs miracles in shortcake just as it does in many other foods.
But this, miracles just not possible with any other form of milk.
And besides, it costs so little to enjoy carnation, the milk from contented cows.
Harry's right, you ought to try this.
Well, time is getting short. I'd better get on my speech.
Gracie!
Hi.
We're back.
Oh, hi, George. What are you doing?
Speech, writing speech.
Oh!
I see you've returned from your travels, Gulliver.
Oh, Harry.
You don't have time anymore to fix dinner for your husband, huh?
Did you get the note I left you?
Yeah, it was delicious. I washed it down with some leftover coffee from breakfast.
I went house hunting with Mamie Kelly.
Well, instead of going house hunting, why don't you stay home and take care of me?
Because I happened to like Mamie Kelly and she's a friend of mine.
These kids are going to keep coming in here all the time.
Bang, bang, bang.
I hope you're satisfied. You've driven George off his own patio.
Oh, I did not. You were the one that came out here and disturbed him.
I did not. You did.
You were the one that was giving him all the trouble out here.
You came out here and started an out show. You are a pervert.
You kept talking and talking and talking.
George! George, tell me something.
Did you have a disturbance or not?
Now, just a minute. Let George speak for himself.
Don't you put words into his mouth.
I'm not putting words into his mouth.
You said you'd driven him away again.
Oh, I was just going to ask you...
You always tell... You talk, talk, talk...
What am I going to do about you?
Every time he's George...
Just a minute, Glanta. I'll ask him.
Oh, Harry Morton, you struck me.
I gave you a little shove like that.
You did not. You pushed me hard like that.
I gave you a little shove like that.
Harry, hard like that.
Soft like that.
Harry Morton, like that.
I'm going into the kitchen to finish this speech.
And if anybody sticks their head in there,
I'm going to wrap a skillet around it.
Are you going to come fix my dinner now
or do you want to go over there
and make enemies of the next door neighbors?
Why, you overgrown, yellow children!
Hey, let's take over the moon again.
Yeah! Jet number one.
I can't.
Why not?
Jet number one is losing her panties.
Oh!
Jerry, stop!
Not enough!
George! George!
Say, George, that was quick thinking.
He's in the pool, honey.
Oh, George Burns, the idea of swimming with your clothes on.
That's a fine example to set for those children.
Now look at you.
You're just soaking wet.
If you're going to stay in the pool any longer,
you better put on some dry clothes.
You don't believe that was me who dived in the pool, huh?
Matter of fact, I dived in twice.
Once to rescue jet number one,
and once to rescue her equipment.
Well, time is getting short.
I've got to get on that speech again.
George, Mamie has taken the children out for a walk.
Everything's going to be quiet.
Blanche took Harry out shopping,
and now you'll have time for your speech.
Wonderful.
What are you going to do?
I'm going to answer my sister Hazel's letter.
Okay, good, good.
Would you like a chair and sit down?
Yes, oh, thank you, please.
All right, there you are.
Oh, thank you.
Right there.
I'll put this here.
Okay.
Now, there you are.
Thank you.
Why didn't you take the ink over with you?
I didn't want to disturb you.
There you are.
Thank you.
Gracie, I don't want to be disturbing.
All right.
Isn't it funny?
I couldn't write in there either.
Oh, here's the paper.
Oh, I thought I'd read the paper.
Oh, dear, that's a good idea.
That'll keep the sun out of your eyes.
Let me see.
Oh, here's the parchment.
Hey, George, I remember how that guy...
Oh, he's been out in the sun too long.
Look at the size of that blister.
I've got to talk to you.
Oh, George.
I want to apologize for Blanche's interrupting.
Oh, I did not interrupt you.
Now I've seen everything.
A husband under glass.
It keeps the sun out of his eyes.
Look at how thick the earth is.
Good girl.
What's going on?
There goes our wedding invitation.
George and Gracie will be back in just a moment,
but here, Sherry, here is a bouquet of carnations
for you to remember us by.
Oh, thank you.
And posies for you.
Oh, thank you.
And carnations for you, Gary.
And carnation for you, Mr. Ponson.
Well, thank you very much.
Well, folks, did you notice the wonderful,
healthy smiles on those kids?
They were not only carnation babies,
but those girls still get their regular supply
of carnation every day,
and that's something you can do for your family.
Let them go on enjoying the healthful benefits
of carnation by giving them carnation to drink,
mixed with an equal amount of water.
And use nourishing carnation in your cooking, too.
There is no finer milk in the world
to develop strong, sturdy bones and teeth.
Abundantly supplied with milk minerals and vitamin D,
carnation is wonderful growing food for babies,
so it's no wonder that eight out of ten mothers
who use carnation say their doctor recommended it.
It's the milk every doctor knows.
And now here's carnation's own contented couple,
who coincidentally this week were honored
by receiving Sylvania's Pioneer Award
for their work in radio and television,
our own George and Gracie, ladies.
♪♪♪
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Gracie and I will be back again two weeks from tonight.
And next week, don't forget to watch those nice people,
Mary Healy and Petalyn Hayes.
And Gracie, wasn't that a nice surprise,
winning the Sylvania Award?
Wasn't it, though? And oh, I've got a surprise for you.
Mamie's husband is coming down to visit her tonight,
and you'll have to go to the train and meet him.
What about my speech?
Oh, you don't have to make a speech.
Just shake hands with him.
♪♪♪
Gracie, say goodnight.
Goodnight.
♪♪♪
Appearing on tonight's show were Sarah Selby as Mamie Kelly,
Pierre Watkins as the principal,
and Jerry James, Linda Plowman, and Jill Oppenheim
as the Kelly children.
Next week, be sure to see Star of the Family,
the Peter Lynde Hayes and Mary Healy show,
on most of these same stations.
Now, this is Harry Bonzel saying goodnight for Carnation.
♪♪♪
This is the CBS Television Network.