Ladies and gentlemen, the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents the
Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman.
I was curious.
I tasted it.
Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America.
No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous.
If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for
yourself.
And now, the Halls of Ivy.
Welcome again to Ivy.
Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA.
It's a quiet day, a day of contentment, if not fulfillment.
Even the flies muffle their buzz in respect to the general repose, but judge not according
to the appearance.
In a dormitory, two students cramming for a final examination in calculus are engaged
in the hot contest of canasta.
A professor of philosophy has just scalded his throat with a boiling cup of tea.
And in the tranquil home of Ivy's president, Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, his wife Victoria,
erstwhile leading actress of the London stage, is pacing the floor as though waiting for
a first-night curtain.
Toddie, is that you?
Hello, darling.
Am I late?
No, but I just couldn't wait for you to get back today.
Why today more than any other day?
Because I have something for you that I think you wanted for a long time.
Has there ever been a moment that you haven't had everything I've wanted for a long time?
Here, there you are.
For Dr. Hall, with the compliments of Mrs. Hall.
Oh.
Well, go on, and wrap it.
First, I'd like to make a little speech about how my gratitude runneth over.
Do open it, open it, go on, do open it.
Now, yes, it looks like it's... and it is a book.
It's...
Vicky.
You're welcome, Toddie.
Vicky, how in the world?
John Dunn.
Is it really the first edition?
I wasn't too sure.
Yes, it's the quarter.
Look, here we are.
Look, the poems by J.D. with elegies on the author's death, London, printed by M.F. for
John Marriott and are to be sold at his shop in St. Dunston's Churchyard in Fleet Street
1633.
Yes, it's what you wanted.
Oh, Vicky, my angel, I've been searching for this slim little treasure for some fifteen
years.
I've accumulated enough dust from bookshelves both sides of the Atlantic to fill up the Pacific.
I've ransacked every seductive seller and attic, from the Hebrides to Halifax, and you...
where in the world did you find it?
I don't think that's a fair question.
Why not?
Don't you know, darling, that every woman must have at least one secret to be a woman?
It's a hangover.
I see, so it's none of my business.
All right, wheresoever, howsoever, and howsoever much, I will thankfully receive.
Ah, forgive me, my darling, I haven't even kissed you for it.
I'm entirely and everlastingly indebted.
Again, and again, and again.
Oh, Tardy, all that for just one little book for Christmas hour, I'll give you Dr. Elliot's
five foot shelf.
Well, there's more where that came from, but, ah, Vicky, wait, wait, where's the poem I
want, you know, it's somewhere near the...
Ah, here it is.
Yeah, do you remember?
The Good Morrow.
I wonder by my troth what thou and I did till we loved.
Were we not weaned...
Unquestionably someone who hates love and poetry.
Well, we did dispose of him in short order, excuse me, darling.
Hello, Dr. Hall speaking.
Hello, doctor, this is Merriweather.
Nice to hear from you, Mr. Merriweather.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry to bother you, but I thought you should know that Clarence Wellman's
in a tizzy again.
Again?
Well, that's a chronic condition, isn't it?
Well, it's nothing that concerns you, doctor, but, ah, whenever there's trouble, leave it
to Clarence to tie it on your front steps.
His bomb site is permanently focused on your door knob.
What now?
His cousin, George Maypole.
Ah, you and the rest of the board appointed him college librarian, I wash my hands of
it with a good, strong soap.
Yeah, well, it really isn't Maypole.
Well, then, who is it and what is it?
Wellman says that there's a criminal rampant on the campus.
Well, in the first place, Mr. Wellman doesn't know the word rampant.
And if he does, I'm sure he thinks they're trousers for lamb chops.
Secondly, what has that got to do with Maypole?
Or do you mean that Maypole is running rampant?
Well, it could be, doctor, it could be.
It seems a brand new old book is missing from the library.
Oh.
According to Maypole, as reported by Wellman, this book is worth a lot of money.
College library got it with a new Breckenreis donation.
Hasn't even been catalogued yet.
Wellman's sending the send for J. Edgar Hoover.
Mr. Merriweather, do you know the title?
Well, he hasn't got it.
It's just an old book of poems.
The name of the author?
Yeah, he couldn't have thought much of his stuff.
He just signed his initials, J.D.
Did Rockefeller ever write any poetry?
Are you still there, doctor?
Yes, yes, yes, I'm here.
And then again, I'm not quite sure.
Well, I don't see how Wellman can possibly pin this on you, but I just wanted to let you know.
Don't let him worry you, doctor.
Well, I'm not worrying about Wellman.
Good.
Thanks.
Thanks very much, Mr. Merriweather.
Goodbye.
Victoria, in the first surge of excitement, I may have misunderstood you.
You just brought me this book to look over.
Was that it?
No, no, no, silly darling, it's yours.
I bought it just for you.
Yes, I understand.
That is, I didn't misunderstand.
You did buy this book?
Well, of course I bought it.
I told you that.
Are you bothered because I didn't tell you what I paid for it?
Well, it would help to know.
Well, then, I paid exactly 50 cents for it.
Ouch.
What's the matter with that? Isn't it good?
Good. My dear Mrs. Hall, the last list price on this rare and precious volume was $1,450.
Why, Vicky, that's the first time I ever heard you whistle.
$150 I just learned how.
Well, where did you get this remarkable bargain?
At the campus bookshop on the remainder table.
Would you mind if I called them?
No, it's all yours, would I?
Campus bookshop, Epson speaking.
This is Dr. Hall.
Oh, good afternoon, Dr. Hall. May I help you?
I hope so. I'm calling in reference to a first edition of poems by John Donne.
Oh, my gosh.
Pardon me, Dr. Hall, but that's all I've been hearing all day.
But me, Mr. Weldon, on the maypole, you think I stole that book?
They've been on the phone every five minutes since noon.
Now they're even threatening to search my shop.
I see. Then you've never had it in your store?
Oh, heavens, no. Not that I wouldn't have loved it for myself.
I know how much you've always wanted, Dr. Hall.
Yes, yes, I have.
Oh, you must feel very bad about all this.
Yes, yes, I do.
Well, for your sake, I hope they find the book.
For my sake? Oh, yes. Well, thank you very much, Mr. Empson. Goodbye.
I did buy it there, Toddy, no matter what he said. I bought it there this morning.
Yes, of course you did, my dear.
Now, look, I'm not a charter. You might just as well tell me what's going on.
It all started with that telephone call from Mr. Merriweather, didn't it?
Well, come on, Toddy, come on, I can take it.
By a remarkable coincidence, a rare book has disappeared from the Ivy Library.
Oh, a first edition of poems by John Donne, which I bought at the campus bookshop today, only they never had it?
That is approximately the situation.
Let us face the truth, Vicki. This is a hot book.
Oh, does that make me an accessory after the fact or something?
If you are an accessory, my dear, you're the most indispensable one since the self-starter.
You would dissent me, I know.
But you remember who sold you the book.
I don't know his name. It was a young boy. He must be new at the bookstore. I don't think I've ever seen him there before.
Well, by some agency, whether natural or supernatural, this book was transported from the library to the bookshop where you found it.
And we'll have to return it at once. At once.
And with an apologetic footnote to the good Dr. Dunn.
Take not to learn for whom the cash register told, Doctor, it told for thee.
I was curious. I tasted it.
Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America.
And wonder is the beer that made Milwaukee famous.
We'll return to the halls of ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman in just a moment.
But first, let's hear how one man turned an idle moment into an ideal experience.
Well, I'm a member of that large fraternity, the tired businessmen of America.
It's not a club. Anybody can get in it.
Although there are certain qualifications.
Take mine. I've worked hard all my life, haven't had a vacation in five years.
And my wife keeps telling me I don't know how to take it easy.
And she's right, of course. Or at least she was.
Things have been different the last few weeks.
Lately when I get home from the shop, I've been finding a bottle of Schlitz beer next to my favorite chair.
That's the little woman's subtle way of getting me to slow down.
And by George, it works, too.
I remember the first night she put out the Schlitz beer for me.
I came home after a pretty rugged day with everybody wanting their orders at once and four of my men home ill.
I was dead tired and you don't know how good that bottle of Schlitz looked to me right then.
I sat down in the chair, kicked off my shoes and put on my slippers,
and poured myself a tall glass with a good collar on it.
I took a man-sized swallow and then leaned back and let that fine Schlitz flavor roll around in my tongue.
If I hadn't known that Schlitz was the largest selling beer in America, I'd have known that it deserved to be.
And by the way, if you want to see a picture of a man who knows how to ease up and enjoy himself,
drop around my place before dinner some evening.
I'll be sitting there with my bottle of Schlitz.
There'll be one for you.
And you can join me in saying, no wonder they call Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous.
The Halls of Ivy.
As we return to the Halls of Ivy, we find them preparing regretfully to return their precious first edition with rightful owner, the Ivy College Library.
Toddy, the binding's falling apart. We could take it back page by page.
No, no, no, no, no, darling, all or nothing. Just blindfold me, tie my hands and arms,
tuck John down under my elbow and we'll be on our way.
Shall I untie you so you can answer the door, dear?
Oh, no, you remain seated, Mrs. Hall, just in case it's Wellman.
I could swallow the evidence leaf by leaf.
Fourteen hundred and fifty dollars, person. A rich dish. Come in.
Good afternoon, Dr. Hall. I'd like to talk to Mrs. Hall for just a minute. It's terribly important.
Oh, you sound important to me. I'm Tucker Mills, sir. I'm a freshman.
Oh, I'd never have guessed it. Come in, Tucker.
Vicki, Mr. Tucker Mills to see you.
Oh, my, William, this is the boy in the bookshop.
Please, Mrs. Hall, could I speak to you privately? I mean, personally, on business?
I would have to be obtuse-er than I am not to perceive and act upon a hint as broad as that.
Please excuse us, William.
I take a long stroll into my study and I want to look up a word, obtuse-er, as a comparative adjective.
Mrs. Hall, do you remember you bought a book from me this morning?
Indeed I do.
I'll give you a dollar for it.
Tucker, I only paid 50 cents. I wouldn't want to make a profit. It was a purchase, not an investment.
Will you take 50 cents, then?
It isn't mine to sell. I gave it to someone else.
Well, Lydia, think you could get it back.
I doubt it.
Would you tell me who it is? Maybe I can make a deal for a dollar and a half.
Well, why are you so anxious to buy this book back, Tucker?
Oh, a friend of mine wants it.
Hmm, a friend of mine, has it? A very dear friend.
Well, there's gotta be a way. There's just gotta.
Well, if it means so much to you, perhaps if you'll explain to Dr. Hall.
Oh, that's all I need, the prez.
Dr. Hall may have his forbidding aspects, but he's really a rather wise and compassionate man.
And besides, he's the one that has the book now.
Oh, I'm cooked.
Gee, I didn't want to tell you, Mrs. Hall, but you're in awful trouble.
I am? I am!
And I got you into it. Do you know what that book was that you bought from me?
Yes, a first edition of poems by John Donne.
Why didn't you tell me? If you know what it was, why didn't you let me sell it to you for only 50 cents?
Gee, it's worth an awful lot more than you paid for it.
I know. I'm told it's worth almost $1,500.
What? Oh, brother, who told you that?
Dr. Hall.
I'm dead.
Oh, Tommy! Will you come in here, please?
Yes, darling.
A young man just died.
So I see. He's quivering with rigor mortis to coin a medical novelty.
Dr. Hall, I didn't do a thing, but now I've got you all into a mess, and I wish I'd never taken that darn job.
Now, now, sit down. Vicki, would you scare up a snack for Tucker?
Sure. He lives a little weak.
Vitamin's coming right up.
Now, now go ahead, Tucker. What were you saying?
Well, I worked for the campus bookshop. This morning they sent me to the library to pick up some duplicate books.
You know, whenever the library gets a new shipment, they weed out the shelves and sell all the extras to the store, and we put them on the bargain table.
Well, there was a whole pile of them in the library office today, so I just took them. Nobody can blame you for that, can they?
Oh, it's always possible to blame anybody for anything.
That's why the index finger is slightly curved. It points around corners.
Well, when did you find out that you'd taken the John Donne along with the others?
Oh, when Mrs. Hall picked it up. It was such a beat-up book, it didn't look worth 50 cents. And that's why I noticed it.
Then when Mr. Impton started yelling about a valuable old book by John Donne missing from the library, I just ran here as fast as I could.
I didn't want to make any trouble for Mrs. Hall.
Well, thank you. I can still make my entrances on cue. There you are, boy. No tipping, please.
Thank you, ma'am.
Thank you, ma'am. Vicki, Tucker here has just vividly described the, um, the peregrination of a particular book which has put us all in a kind of a pickle.
Well, you can read it with relish, Doctor.
Well, it's, uh, it's all very simple, Tucker. Mr. Maple will understand when we explain what happened.
For Maple? He'll never understand. He hates me.
Oh, then it isn't so simple. Why does he hate you?
Well, I used to work for him at the library. One day I found a book he'd misplaced and he never forgave me.
Then when Professor Cameron asked him for a book, Maple said it wasn't in the library, only I found it in the stacks.
And I got fired for that, and I thought I was doing him a favor.
Well, when you help somebody like Maple, you often expose him. Oh, don't worry, Tucker. I'll return the book to the library myself.
And Maple need never know you had anything to do with the matter.
Gee, you can't do that, Doctor Hall. I got you into this, and besides, the book's really yours now.
I think we should have that door removed and the Tencent turnstile installed.
I'll get it.
Tucker, I told you Doctor Hall would understand.
He's a great man, Mrs. Hall.
Oh, Mr. Wellman. Mr. Wellman!
Uh-oh! You don't have to shout, Doctor Hall. May I come in?
Yes, yes, of course, Mr. Wellman. Come in. Come in, Mr. Wellman!
Quick, Tucker, let's find a foxhole in the kitchen.
Mr. Wellman, I'm honored.
This is not a social call, Doctor Hall. I thought you'd be relieved to know that the thief has been found.
Oh, what did he steal?
Didn't Mary Weather call you, or is it so unimportant that it has already hit your mind, Doctor Hall?
A rare volume was stolen from the library.
Oh, yes, yes, the, uh, John Dunn. The thief is one of the students, Tucker Mills.
Well, what makes you think...
He has a bad record. My cousin had to fire him from the library.
He's been working recently at the campus bookshop, and was seen in Maple's office this morning when the book disappeared.
The police will soon pick him up.
And I assume it's out of my hands.
Well, thank you, thank you, Mr. Wellman, for taking the trouble to relieve my mind.
Your mind?
Oh, yes.
My Doctor Hall.
Well, come out, come out, wherever you are.
Has that, has that corset gone, Bobby?
Come on, Tucker, the coast's clear.
Weather's still cloudy, small storm ahead, I'm afraid.
Gee, Doctor Hall, I'm terribly sorry.
I'd better give myself up and just tell the truth.
Oh, I believe in the truth too, Tucker, but, um, but if, if Wellman and Maple have their way,
then they must have it to clear up Maple's blunder.
You'd have your day in court, and I've no doubt the justice would eventually prevail.
But in the meantime, what about your term papers?
Your final examinations, you'll miss all of that. Who's going to make up for it?
For all of truth, you'll still pay a penalty, and that would be very unfair.
Gee, Doctor, and besides that, I'm causing you an awful lot of trouble.
Oh, you weren't the cause, Tucker, but you could be the innocent victim.
And you will be unless we find a way to silence Wellman and Maple.
For instance, if the, uh, if the missing book were to be found in the presence of witnesses
right on Maple's desk where it was all along, or should have been,
well, then I, I think they'd be glad to let the matter drop.
Who's going to put it there?
I'll touch you for it.
Oh, you've got a two-headed nickel you always win.
Not a Maple in sight. We're in luck. Put the book on his desk, quick.
It's done, Excelsior.
Never mind, dear. I'll keep looking for another one, and someday I'll find it.
Maybe at an old rummage sale or the cut-rate drug store somewhere.
You know, Vicki, so often the end of a search is the beginning of disillusion,
but I remember one occasion when it was the beginning of everything.
When was that?
Oh, not too many years ago, in London.
I, usually so full of words, in an excess of adoration, sought another voice.
I rushed you to the British Museum Library, found the volume I wanted,
so that another might speak my heart for me.
You remember the quiet of that library as I read to you from John Donne?
I wonder by my troth what now an idea, till we love.
William, you always part your hair on the right side?
Yes, it is. Shall I start over?
And does the iris in your eyes always flash a little spark?
No, no, no, I don't think so.
I'm sorry, darling. Go on.
I wonder by my troth what thou an idea, till we love.
Were we not weaned till then, but sucked on country pleasures childishly,
or snorted we in the seven sleepers, dead?
Was so, but this all pleasure santed thee.
If ever any beauty I did see, which I desired and got,
was but a dream of thee.
And now good morrow to our waking souls,
which watch not one another out of fear,
for love, all love of other sights, controls,
and makes one little room an everywhere.
And makes one little room an everywhere.
Excuse me, sir, if you two are going to make a commotion, you'll have to leave this library.
Oh, my good man, are you calling love a commotion?
Who is speaking of love, sir?
What else is there to speak of, sir? And if you insist on making commotion about love.
Hardy, I'd love to make that kind of a commotion.
If you could drag yourself back from wherever you are, and wherever it is, I'd like to be there too.
And you always are, my dear.
Dr. Hall.
Ah, Mr. Maple.
I'm sorry I wasn't here in my office to greet you. I left for a moment to check with the police department.
Oh, are you on probation for something, Mr. Maple?
Of course not. You know what has happened.
Well, I've heard disturbing rumors that you lost a very valuable book from the Breckenridge collection.
Lost? Lost, indeed. Dr. Hall, it was stolen.
Of what was stolen, Mr. Maple?
A first edition of John Donne, I thought you knew.
John Donne? I saw it here a minute ago.
Where was it? Here. Here we are. Do you mean this?
What? What? Dr. Hall, where did you get this book?
Why, I just picked it up from your desk here.
It wasn't there. It couldn't have been. I tore this place apart. I know it wasn't there.
In fact, I know who took it.
Couldn't you have made a mistake, Mr. Maple?
I never make a mistake. I know who had this book.
Oh, then you knew I had it. You?
I bought it. You?
I bought it for Dr. Hall for fifty cents.
Fifty cents? You couldn't have.
But I did. I bought it at the campus bookshop.
But how did it get to the campus bookshop?
Perhaps the answer is that you left a very valuable piece of merchandise lying on top of a pile of discards.
The boys stole it.
Now why should a boy steal something worth almost fifteen hundred dollars and sell it for fifty cents?
Particularly when he didn't make a cent for himself.
I'll talk to dear Mr. Wellman about this.
Do. Do by all means.
I hardly think that your cousin, who is at least a good businessman, would approve of such ineptitude.
Oh, this is a trick, Dr. Hall.
Oh, no, no, Mr. Maple, just a full, if somewhat eccentric circle, which is a grateful the circle is now completed.
But I don't think the board of governors would find it very funny if they knew that the custodian of such valuable treasures as this didn't know a first edition from a duplicate.
Dr. Hall, in all my years I've never been accused.
In all your years and in all the years to come, Mr. Maple, you should be everlastingly indebted to one person, my wife.
If she hadn't bought this book, somebody else might have come along and bought it.
And then where would you have been?
Good afternoon, Mr. Maple.
How do you, a magnificent.
Didn't you switch our plans around a little?
Why, you tell Maple the real story. He didn't deserve to know the truth.
I couldn't help myself, darling. I'm a lazy man, and I've always found the truth so much less effort than evasion.
You know, sometimes I. Vicki.
What is it?
Something awful has happened. We've got to go back to the library.
But, Tony, are you all right? What is it?
George Maple owes you fifty cents.
I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America.
No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous.
And here again are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Be sure to see Ronald Coleman's latest picture of champagne for Caesar.
We'll be seeing you next week at this time at the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman.
Friends, Look Magazine, now on the newsstand, carries a wonderful story about Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman and the halls of Ivy.
It's called Ronald Coleman Becomes a College President.
When you read it and see the interesting pictures, you'll know why the Coleman fits so convincingly the roles of Dr. Hall and the charming Vicki.
That's Look Magazine on the stands now.
Other players in our cast tonight were Willard Waterman, Herbert Butterfield, Ross Sedan, Cindy Miller, and William Tracy.
Tonight's script was written by Barbara and Milton Merlin and Don Quinn.
The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Wolfe,
and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Ken Carpenter speaking.
Oh, we love the Halls of Ivy, that's around us here today.
And we will love them, yet though we be far apart.