The beer that made Milwaukee famous presents the halls of ivy starring mr.
and mrs. Ronald Coleman.
Good evening this is Ronald Coleman.
I'm Benita Coleman. Inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College as the guests of our sponsors the Brewers of Schlitz beer.
The taste of Schlitz, the taste so many people prefer, has made Schlitz beer first in sales in the USA.
If you like good beer do as millions of people are doing all over the nation. Ask for Schlitz,
the most popular beer in history.
Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy USA. It's the
post-prandial period at number one faculty role. Post-prandial being euphemism for
oh let's let the dinner dishes go for a while. And Dr. William Todd under hall,
Ivy's president sinks happily into his big leather chair for a little after
dinner conversation with his wife Victoria who is almost too beautiful to
be as intelligent as she is. Dr. Hall says, ah that was a splendid dinner Vicki and
you sure, why are you gazing at me with that air of concern? I had an easy day and
except for some slight difficulty in keeping my eyes open my health is
excellent. Then why didn't you sleep well last night? Well to use the Yankee
technique of answering a question with a question how did you know I didn't sleep
well? No I had you get up and look at the clock two three times and toss around
some more and then go to the kitchen for something. Milk, I'm sorry if I disturbed
you darling why didn't you let me know you were awake? A glass of milk is a
pallid substitute for your stimulating conversation. Thank you but I was afraid I'd
wake you even upper. Even upper? Waking you more upper. Incidentally now what is there
about a glass of milk that is the first thing you think of when you can't sleep?
It's an interesting thought. I suppose it's a subconscious effort to achieve
the calm imperturbable placidity of the cow. It's a belief held by almost all
primitive races that we partake of the qualities of the things we eat. Pot roast
of puma for courage, monkey stew for agility, rib of rhinoceros for strength
and so on. So I presume it's the nudge of racial memory which sends us seeking
tranquility in the juice of the jersey. It is possible that we... what is it Vicki?
I thought I heard a siren. But this being Hell Week on the campus the sounds of
sirens, shots and the low moans of fraternity pledges are to be expected.
Then what did keep you awake last night? I really don't know. I might have been
restless because my back blankets kept slipping off. Or my blankets may have kept
slipping off because I was restless. However it just might have been that lamb
curry we had a professor quencanon. Did you try counting sheep? No dear after so
much curried lamb the idea was untouched. No I finally got to sleep with the Indians.
Indians as in Bombay or Indians as in Wyoming? No they're the American Indians.
I found myself trying to think of Indian tribes alphabetically. Apaches,
Arapahos, Algonquins, Blackfeet, Beavers, Bannocks, Chippewas, Crows, Cherokees,
Delawares, Dakotas, Eskimos, Labrador, Eskimos, Mackenzie, Eskimos, Greenland,
Flatheads. I think you cheated using three kinds of Eskimos. Oh no, no dear
they are as distinct from one another as the Wyandots and the Shawnees. However...
Question. Yes. How did you come out with Tu, V, W, X, Y and Z? Tuku Kamkare's,
Umatilla's, Vahmin's, Winnebago's, Yakima's and Zuni's. It's fantastic but at the same
time a little bit suspicious about the Vahmins. Well that's ethnological
license. Generic term used by fur trappers. Oh well you left out X. Ah yes, yes the X.
That's the one that kept me tossing till the break of dawn. And the answer was so
obvious that I... What Vahmin could that be coming to our little wigwam at this time of the night?
Big chief no shut eye. Mi go lo. Oh hello Dr. Hall. Ah Chief Bentley. Sorry to bother you so late but can I have a minute?
Sure come in. Victoria you've met Mr. Bentley, I've his chief of police. Yes good evening Miss Hall.
Hello there, sit down chief. Oh thank you. I can't stay long I've got to go back to the
city hall and pretend I'm not cheating the taxpayers. They expect me to put in a 14 hour
day and I prefer a six hour day so I compromised on 10. With two hours for lunch
and a nap in the office I come out all right. Doc I've got a problem. Well good for you.
This is the first time he's opened his eyes wide all evening. Well one of your
students is in the hospital doc. Oh. Fraternity pledge named Lacey. Steve Lacey?
Lacey, Lacey. Victoria you... No I don't think I know him Toddy. Is it an accident?
Well yes Miss Hall if you can call being in a state of shock from hazing an accident.
How badly is he hurt chief? Well not at all physically. You see some of your bird
brain students were giving him the works and told him they were going to brand
him with a red hot iron. Naturally they just blindfolded him and used a chunk of ice on
his back. Well but that's horrible. Standard formula Miss Hall. It seems Lacey
had been in a bad fire when he was a kid and his mind just wasn't conditioned
to this kind of a gay. Result shock. I'm shocked too. Well you've probably come out
with all right but I thought you ought to know. Yes of course thank you.
Now superficially it seems like a harmless prank but if some boy with a
weak heart... A boy would never admit to having a bad heart he'd just say nothing
and suffer whatever they gave him. Yes you're quite right Vicki. The real danger
in hazing lies in its unthinking application to the fit and the unfit. The
indignities heaped upon a freshman student are designed to teach him
humility towards his theoretical betters and to remove any cocksureness he may
have acquired as a high school basketball star. But in individual cases
hazing can be not only cruel but actually dangerous. Well you know the
police department's policy on student shenanigans dark we sort of look the
other way. It's just exuberance and the kids pay for any damage but when somebody
gets in real trouble we get asked some embarrassing questions. So I thought I
thought it into your life. I hope Steve Lacey doesn't have to pay his own
hospital expenses that'll be really adding insult to injury. No the young
intellectuals who put him in there chipping in for it Mrs. Hall. He's got
the biggest room in the hospital, the prettiest nurse and the best doctor.
That's all very thoughtful but it's a little late. Late indeed. Not only for the
boy himself but if he suffers some permanent mental damage from this
idiocy the feeling of guilt among the participants will or should last them
all their lives. At least they seem to be trying to make up for their mistake. Oh
they're pretty decent kids really Mrs. Hall but hazing's been going on since the
second caveman started school to learn tiger skinny. First caveman probably
worked him over with the stone hatchet. These boys expect to get it their first
year and dish it out for the next three years tradition. I know what is bad
enough for grandpas good enough for them. I'm afraid the longevity of the
tradition doesn't mitigate its dangers. Murder is also a matter of some antiquity
but he's never qualified as an acceptable social custom. Chief thank
you for coming over. You're welcome Doc. I know you have your own mountains to
make mole hills out of but they seem to be in your department. Oh by the way yes
you want the names of the Hazers. I don't like to rattle the cup on anybody but
it's no particular secret. Oh you needn't tell me but I'd appreciate it if you'd
ask the leader to call on me tonight if possible. All right he'll be at the
hospital I'm going right back there anyway as long as you're going to talk
to him his name is Larry Rogers. Aren't I the old tattletale? Chief will you call us
from the hospital and tell us how the lazy boy is doing? Yes ma'am I will.
Well good night Doc. Good night. And look if you can get rid of hazing in this
brain factory of yours you earn the gratitude of the entire Ivy Police Force.
We got enough troubles without fishing fraternity pledges out of the reservoir
every year. I'll do what I can Chief and if you should detect the order of
brimstone in the near future don't be alarmed for your personal salvation it'll
just be me working like the devil against Hell Week.
From week to week.
As we return to the Hall Survive, Mrs. Hall is on the telephone getting a
report on the student victim of a hazing episode. Yes Larry. Hmm that's an
official opinion isn't it? I mean it's not just your own diagnosis. Well I'm glad to
hear it and thank you very much for calling. What? Oh well in that case come
in sometime tomorrow. Yes I'll tell him. Goodbye Larry. Larry? Larry Rogers one of
the hazing group who put Steve Lacey in the hospital he was phoning from there.
Well I gather that Lacey is improving. Yes they say he'll be all right now.
Rather glib assurance. A psychic scar of such depth that it can throw a healthy
young man at a shock is not to be erased by a few sedatives an alcohol rub and at
night in the hospital but as I am neither a psychiatrist nor a physician I
shall devote my attention to the cause not the cure. You mean hazing? I do mean
hazing. Larry Rogers seemed terribly contrite about the whole incident. Oh he
probably is. He has my complete sympathy. He is a more or less innocent victim of a
barbarous tribal custom which I shall do my best to eliminate. Oh be shriek the
protest from the fraternity groups and from the alumni who've lived through
their own hazing and claim that it builds character. Oh I know I know but I
don't happen to care for a character building which depends on cruelty and
hazards to mind and body. This college has been fortunate to date in that it
has had no fatalities not even any serious incidents resulting from hell
week. Well let's hope you can get rid of hell week before something really tragic
happens. What do you think you can do about it? Make an appeal to reason or
official demand for reform? An ultimatum? Oh my darling one of the first executive
lessons I ever learned was never issue an ultimatum. Human behavior being so
variable and life so full of detours an irrevocable attitude is equivalent to
looking one locking oneself in a burning barn. Nope nope I always leave a door at
least slightly open through which to back out of as gracefully as possible. I
think I door through which to back out of. What a construction. Now make it the
front door and then you can see where you're going. Any opening will do which
permits the passage of shoulders hips in a conciliatory frame of mind but I
think I shall address the student body tomorrow morning if I can convince the
fraternities they can spread the gospel. As Shakespeare said it is a Greek
invocation to call fools into a circle.
And in conclusion ladies and gentlemen of Ivy I feel sure that you will be as
eager as I am to eliminate the evils which I have pointed out and which are
attendant upon the perpetuation of an intrinsically immature tradition. The
conversion of Hell Week with its primitive indignities into Hell Week as
so successfully carried out by such institutions as Purdue University and
others will prove that the student body of Ivy College has put away its toys
and that we have taken a grown-up attitude toward our fellows and to
education itself. Now may I ask for a show of hands from those who are
favorable to this suggestion. Well thank you thank you the approval appears to be
unanimous and and I am happy that Hell Week on this campus is now history. Major
hazing is ended and I think we all realize that we will better prepare
ourselves for the future by paddling our own canoes instead of each other's
behinds.
Todd is I accuse you of being a psychologist. There was no accident that
you got the students together while the Steve Lacey business was the hot topic
of conversation. Well if you're suggesting that I purposely channeled
their apprehension into constructive action you're quite right. By the way wasn't
young Roger supposed to see me today? Yeah about three it's 2.45 2.40. Splendid.
Well that gives me a chance to open the piano and limber up a bit on some Bach
Beethoven and Brahms. Proving that I have other bees in my bonnet besides the
elimination of sacred student traditions. You may have bees in your bonnet darling
with some of your ideas are honey. I never known you to do anything which
wasn't for the good of Ivy. Ivy's been very good to me. Oh it may not have the
great gray eminence of your Oxford and Cambridge. Oh Doddie do you remember when
we were there? That beautiful afternoon when the Sun was trying desperately to
shine for the American visitor. Yes I doubt if anyone who ever saw those
towers and spires could ever forget them and of course to see them for the first
time with lovely Victoria Crumble was to make the memory memorable indeed.
How do you defend this dictatorial attitude? How?
Yes into the students that we convert Hell Week into Help Week I'd like to.
That's exactly what I am referring to exactly by what authority do you I mean
by what right? Look hazing I'm Hell Week. Pardon the expression Mrs. Horne. You
mean Hell Week? Yes. Well I didn't even notice but go ahead. Thank you as I was
saying Dr. Hall to interfere so high-handedly, handedly I mean to take it upon
yourself a personal will to change. Mr. Wellman. Hazing is a mere matter of high
spirits Dr. Hall undergraduate exuberance. We can't make panty waste of
our students overnight to eliminate what has been the prediction. Mr. Wellman. What is
it? The panty waste may be a symbol of timidity but it is at least a
civilized garment and as such preferable to a hospital gown which was
designed by someone with no sense of human dignity. I don't quite see. I
sometimes think that the hospital gown the most slovenly ill-fitting humiliating
habiliment known to patient humanity. You do mean patient. I do. I sometimes think
that this crude and successful attempt to degrade the suffering inmates of what
should be a place of mercy and compassion is a deliberate effort on
the part of the medical profession to break the spirit and render the victim
helpless to protest his other indignities. How can an ambulatory patient
tottering up a hospital corridor with neck strings flying, knees protruding and
spine exposed retain a shred of self-respect?
Dr. Hall. Hospital gown being made in only two sizes. Too large and too small.
Hardly, hardly be expected to...oh I'm sorry Mr. Wellman. You were saying? I was
saying that you had no right, no authority to take such an arbitrary
action in eliminating a tradition as old as hazy. Well Dr. Hall? Well yesterday
as a result of Hell Week we we narrowly escaped a serious consequence by an
uncomfortably narrow margin. What might have been a national scandal and a
personal tragedy became a mere incident. It was too close Mr. Wellman. Were you
ever hazed Mr. Wellman? Yes I was Mrs. Hall, most certainly. At a terrible time.
Almost killed me. One night they tied me up and threw me...but that's beside the point.
Yes I was hazed and I'm proud I bore up under it without acting like a crybaby.
It's the smart babies who cry Mr. Wellman. They try to tell us when something
should be changed. I mean when it's sacred traditions, when they are changed,
when a one-man crusade can overthrow the hallowed customs which, and I don't care
if it is the president who... Mr. Wellman. Yes Dr. Hall. No one I think will deny
that your contributions and your help to Ivy College have been tremendously
valuable. As chairman of the Board of Governors you have been a conscientious
guardian of its customs and traditions. Thank you. But as president of Ivy and
considering myself personally responsible for not only the health and
well-being of the student body but also of guiding its energies into useful
channels, I could no longer tolerate an activity so fraught with danger to mind
and body. If you wish to question my decision before the Board of Governors
please do so. I have always found them at least as intelligent as the
students.
Well, well thank you but that doesn't explain... How do you understand about Help Week Mr. Wellman?
H-E-L-P that is. Yes, some kind of a faldera about painting fences, cleaning up
vacant lots for which we have ample. I mean if the town of Ivy and Ivy College
can't maintain its own... If we are out to destroy the fraternity system why don't
we just... Excuse me Mr. Wellman but we have taken no step which would hurt the
fraternity system. Oh it has its evils perhaps and is often subject to
criticism on grounds of being undemocratic but in converting its more
juvenile and sadistic energies to constructive ends we are taking much of
the sting out of such criticism and emphasizing the real values of group
efforts. Furthermore... That's Larry Rogers. Oh yes, yes I suppose. Larry Rogers that's
another thing. He's the son of a fine Ivy alumnus been very generous with
endowments. If we are to embarrass this young man by making him the focal point
the focal point of this attack. Excuse me Mr. Wellman. Come in Larry. Ah it's nice to see you.
Hello Mrs. Hall. Dr. Hall. Hello Rogers. You know Mr. Wellman, Chairman of the Board of Governors.
Not necessary Dr. Hall nor the boy well. Hello Rogers. Hello Mr. Wellman. I was just
telling Dr. Hall writers that I felt it necessary to protest his action in
eliminating the fine old tradition of having. Are you kidding? What? I mean are
you serious Mr. Wellman? Of course I'm serious. I take it you think Dr. Hall was
right Larry. Mrs. Hall it was the smartest thing that's been done around
here since they put in electric lights. But leave me when Steve Lacey went to the
hospital we got the scare of our lives. There were bull sessions all over the
campus last night. We know we were acting like grade school kids and when we
realized what might have happened to Steve and to us too. Well Dr. Hall took the
load off our minds. We all agreed we'd feel better about fixing up a church
roof and autographing some guy's plaster cast. Dr. Hall. Yes. I came to apologize
for being a leatherhead and to tell you I just entered another school. Another
school Larry? Leaving Ivy? My goodness Rogers when your father hears you've been
forced out of Ivy simply because. I wasn't forced out of Ivy Mr. Wellman. I've been
dishing it out so now I'm gonna try taking it. I'm going into a school where
they really have hell with it. United States Marine Corps.
Oh well I guess there's nothing much I can say. I think you have been wrong.
Again. The only people who never do anything wrong Mr. Wellman are the
people who never do anything. It's not a very original observation but it's
comforting. And I I apologize for bypassing the Board of Governors Mr.
Wellman but in my judgment a quick and direct move was necessary while the
incident was still fresh in everyone's mind. I think in eliminating hazing Ivy
has taken a long step toward turning out not only men and women but ladies and
gentlemen. In the words of Cardinal Newman it is almost the definition of a
gentleman to say he is one who never inflicts pain. Yes and in the words of
Clarence Wellman gentlemen should always make as graceful and exit as possible.
Good night Mrs. Wellman.
Good night.
Good night Mrs. Wellman.
Toddy. Yes my love. Let's go back a bit. Back to the Indians. The Indians. Oh yes yes certainly.
Apaches, Arapahos, Algonquins. No no no I mean the one that kept her awake.
Indians starting with X. Oh yes yes yes the the X. Well that was a Potawatomi who
ran away and joined the Seminoles. Oh you mean he was a... Yes darling he was an X
Potawatomi.
The halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman has been presented by
Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. The taste of Schlitz. The taste so
many people prefer has made Schlitz beer first in sales in the USA. Why don't you
too enjoy the most popular beer in history. Next time every time ask for
Schlitz beer. And now here again are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night
everyone. And from our sponsor the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of
Milwaukee Wisconsin and thousands of friendly dealers throughout the nation. Good night.
We'll be seeing you next week at this same time at the halls of Ivy starring
Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Mr. Wellman is played by Herbert Butterfield. Chief
Bentley is John McIntyre and Larry Rogers was Lee Malonger. Tonight's script was
written by Gene O'Brien and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry
Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn directed by Milton Merlin and
presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee Wisconsin. We invite
you to enjoy on television the Schlitz Playhouse of Stars with Helen Hayes,
Margaret Sullivan, Ronald Reagan and more of the brightest names of Hollywood and
Broadway. See your newspaper for time and channel. Ken Carpenter speaking.
To the Hall of Halls of Ivy, every voice will bid farewell, and shiver off in twilight like the old bell.
The preceding was transcribed. Coming up next.