transcribed
the bear that made milwaukee famous presents the halls of ivy starring
mr and mrs ronald colman
good evening this is ronald colman and benita colman inviting you to join us again on the
campus of ivy college as the guests of our sponsors the boys of slits beer
tonight's program is dedicated to dr marion t harington president of texas a
and m college
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welcome again
i'd be colleagues that is in the town of ivy u s a
it's been an eventful day on the campus not because of the usual activities of
the faculty and student body
not because of what anybody did but because of what one undergraduate
refused to do
his actions from the college in one of the world
factions begin to form on all sides
but dr williams out of the hall president of ivy is completely unaware of
the incident
since he and his wife victoria have been at the state capitol all day
attending an educational conference
it's dusk as they're driving back home and they've just turned up elm street on
their way to number one faculty role as dr hollis saying
you know vicki
if you ever had a rival for my affections it will be this campus
returning to ivy even after a very brief absence
is like returning to a circle of old and cherished friends
the campus doesn't call you up and want you to play bridge after you come home
tired and hungry
of course i suppose my emotions concerning it is somewhat mixed
as i am both the fact in father so to speak
and one of its funds
starting here as a freshman student
then coming back as instructors
then professor
and now as president
i've always thought that you scholars ought to have decorations to wear on your chest
like campaign ribbons
that's a splendid idea
oh nothing really i've got ideas i haven't even thought of yet
well imagine meeting a fellow pedagogue in a hotel lobby
examining his chest and being able to read off his academic accomplishments
aha master of arts
with oak leaf cluster for advancing through smoke of burning midnight oil
oh bachelor of science
with purple heart for wounded ego when refused to raise
it ought to be a medal to heroism too
wearing a vest in hot weather just to show off a phi beta kappa key
vicki my love it's an inspiration
i shall lose no time in suggesting it to the next annual knee pad meeting
the what meeting?
knee pad? yes dear NIEPAD
national institute of executives presidents and deans
it was suggested that we call it knee pad because we spend so much of our time
praying for endowment
well here we are
home again
number one faculty row still seems to be where we left it this morning hasn't moved an inch
nothing has changed apparently
even the chimes are running on time
toddy someday i'd like to meet our bell ringer
i have such a charming mental picture of a little feather of a man swinging bravely at the end of a rope
uh... a sort of human yo-yo
well i hate to disenchant you my love but our chimes are operated by
an electrically controlled timing device
no little yo-yo
no dear no no the uh...
the age of electronics has eliminated the factor of human error
while preserving the mellow cadences of the middle ages
we're rapidly advancing toward that happy utopia wherein human beings can be eliminated entirely
and the universe will be run by push buttons
pushed by levers pushed by other push buttons
eventually we will
oh hello professor maxwell
good evening doctor hall
professor maxwell and how's our favorite astronomy professor tonight
well i still seem to be rotating on my axis and i've just paid my income taxes
oh say that that's quite good
you follow me doctor? Axis?
oh i do professor
you know i don't understand why i never think of these things to say in class
apparently i'm just a sidewalk wit
but a classroom bore
well well with warmer weather approaching you
you might start holding classes on the sidewalk
you seem to handle the abstract better on the concrete
oh yes
you two are on absolute rock
won't you come inside professor?
oh no no no thank you it's not really a visit
i just thought perhaps you had heard but oh no you were away all day so you wouldn't have and
you must be tired it is dinner time isn't it
well i won't bother you now
oh but if it's something important you wanted to see me about
well i no no no i i really
you know i never noticed it before
but you get a very good view of castor and pollock from your front porch don't you
do we?
yes yes indeed
oh here i am talking shop again while you're politely shivering
i'll drop in another time if i may
oh please do professor
i'll make it soon
thank you thank you i will good night
good night
ah he's such a cupcake isn't he
joy is his little joke so much
yes he's a completely unpretentious scholar and a brilliant one
i wonder what he meant by perhaps we'd heard
doll you're coming good evening doctor hall
ah louisa
have a nice quiet day while we were gone
i don't know miss hall i've been too busy
there's a fire in the library
good heavens did you call the fire department
it's in the fireplace miss hall
here's a list of phone calls
thank you louisa anything urgent?
didn't seem to be capricorn was here on and off
capricorn i'm afraid we only have orange marmalade for dinner
only marmalade
well of course it's always wise to eat lightly after a long trip
a small saucer of marmalade and off to bed
well we're out of strawberry
i hope you like it charlie killed it himself this morning
charlie killed a strawberry?
no mrs hall fried chicken
oh oh i put fresh cowls in the bathroom
and hot biscuits too
well got my work to do
oh there goes the world's greatest antidote to loquacity
capricorn oh i know that's our little star man professor maxwell
oh yes yes it must have been and he was waiting to see us
i wonder why
maybe he wasn't just joking about his income tax
maybe now that he's paid it he wants to raise
come on darling let's go in and sit by the fire until louisa calls us for dinner
yes in the words of william cowper we shall stir the fire and close the shutters fast
let fall the curtains wheel the sofa around
ah so let us welcome peaceful evening in
oh that sounds so cozy perhaps we can help
oh there goes our peaceful evening
don't bother louisa i'll get it
yes i know it's dinner time never the less
by mr wellman good evening
i couldn't wait i simply had to
good evening mrs hall
come in won't you
i hope you haven't heard yet because i wanted to be
why hello mr wellman
oh i thought you'd never
so you finally got back dr hall
oh not finally mr wellman just
just what oh i see just got back yes
did you miss us mr wellman
what i missed it's what you missed
i've been laughing all day long i couldn't wait
well if it's that good by all means let's hear it
he simply got up and walked out dr hall walked out
i can't wait give us the punch line
well well well you won't believe it he he just slammed the paper on the desk
and said i refuse refused by you i that is he said i refuse to take this
examination because it's too ridiculously easy easy then he got up and walked out
what do you think of that dr hall well who is he what paper and where young
leslie gifford refused to take an examination in professor maxwell's
astronomy course today period too easy he says
too easy he says professor maxwell well dr hall what's the matter you're not
laughing perhaps i missed something
don't tell me you don't think it's funny now mr wellman if you're telling me that
a student made a public demonstration about an examination paper then it seems
to me that the boy was extremely rude rude how can you be rude to professor
maxwell head in the stars doesn't even know what kind of day it is strange you
should say that professor maxwell of all people knows with astronomical
exactitude why the time of day is the time it is after all if it went for our
astronomers the farmer wouldn't have his calendar of the seasons the fisherman
his table of tides the statesman their maps the sailor his means of navigating
a ship into port the steamships fishing politics what have they got to do with
young gifford i'm asking you don't you admire his
spunk spirit i call it very bad manners mr wellman i don't think it's very funny
oh you don't well mrs hall it may surprise you to know that
now that i think of it i don't think so either
it's a disgrace oh mr wellman you gave in awfully easy on that one
easy that's what's disgraceful that's what they call professor maxwell easy
maxi why why everybody knows it is a pipe
course why why why the students say take maxwell's class and get a good day's
sleep
all you should give gifford a medal and fire maxwell
are you suggesting that every time a student refuses to take an examination
you'd fire the professor dr hall this is no joking matter
i mean what happened to my joke i thought it was very funny but dr
hall if you don't speak to maxwell about his scandalous latitude it
won't be funny i mean and you know what i mean
goodbye
oh professor maxwell of all people i hope he won't become the victim of one
young man's impudence and flippancy they didn't abetted by mr wellman's
flipping yeah as adison observed vicki the talent
of turning men into ridicule is the qualification of little
ungenerous tempers but lest we be ungenerous ourselves we'd
better have a talk with professor maxwell yes and find out what kind of an
examination was so easy that a student wouldn't take it
yes i i can't remember any other instance in my entire career
when a student complained because he knew the answer to a question
the other day when i turned up my coat color to combat the icy blast blowing
down ivy's main street i noticed i needed a haircut so i
dropped in a dock fishes ton of soil parlor and shaving him
well well mr carpenter you're in luck today
i have a haircut here that's just your size and at a price you like too
good uh i didn't know if you'd be busy or not doc but i just take a chance
shucks mr carpenter it's been so quiet today i haven't even got the clippers
warm what'll it be oh usual things says on the side
how long you been the college barber here at ivy doc
we've seen now nine to 35 years i guess i've clipped more people than a spry
politician yeah 35 years last spring i remember
the day i opened the shop here it was a saturday hot day too i put in a
mighty good day's work that was back when the faculty had its hair
and after closing up shop i went home sat on the porch and had a big
cold glass of beer man did that beer taste good i can
remember it yet now what when i say that beer tasted good i
mean tasted good right down to my tired toe
doc i hope it was slits because you're sure it was slits
what else could it be yes sir i know all about slits beer i've been drinking
slits for years best beer there is why it's the i know
i know slits is the best like beer in america
and it ought to be seems like all mccrooney's like it better than any
other beer too well and their families like it
i'll say this people are drinking slits and we'll go
right on drinking it because it tastes so good the beer
that made milwaukee famous that's milwaukee
now there's a town i know all about it mighty nice folks up there good town
now to return to the halls of ivy it's the next morning and dr hall while
awaiting the arrival of professor maxwell is absorbed in astronomical
calculations his wife victoria is doing some
figuring of her own let me see uh three pounds one thirty eight
pounds there's three eights 24 kmi three and three and three three three
that's nine and three is 12 uh oh no kmi two and three three's are 11
hmm do you know what that means tori well if three three's are 11 it means
you've carried your two too far
it also means that i've decided we're not going to have breaded veal cutlets for
dinner tomorrow night as the old saying goes when you can't
make both ends meet make one end potatoes uh
what are you thinking about oh i'm sorry darling i was four million
years away oh well then i'm glad i didn't order the
veal you might not have made it back to dinner at all
whereabouts were you i was on nebula ngc 4157 so i always called it cloud nine
what's doing on ng 4000 well a terrific explosion took place there four million
years ago but no one found out about it until february the 16th 1937
well where was everybody huh where was winchell
now when that happened vicki there probably wasn't anybody
you see since that explosion four million years ago
light rays have been traveling through the vast empty spaces of the universe
until they finally entered dr zwicky's telescope
isn't that wonderful traveling through space for four million years
and then hitting a telescope right on the nose
you see uh zwicky set up a system of photographing extra galactic nebulae
extra galactic huh well i love to have these little bits of startling
information at my fingertips but i don't think this is one i can use
at the women's club now come on confess you made it all up
didn't you including dr flicky it's wicky wicky not flicky
no dr f zwicky is an eminent swiss scientist and his hypothesis
concerning the the catastrophic events observed in the supernovae
is one of the questions in professor maxwell's examination paper
which i have been studying with great interest and leslie gifford calls that
an easy one we ought to be ashamed of himself what
does he think he is a zwicky oh it was easy enough for him you see
i found out he's one of professor maxwell's brightest students
but i also found out that we uh yes excuse me mrs hall i thought you'd like
to know it isn't dripping anymore
but thank you for telling me louisa i didn't know it was but whatever it is i'm
very relieved it isn't and dr hall i don't want to butt in but
he can't say i didn't tell him that uranus was in his seventh house
oh i'm sure he can't and in conjunction with venus
fine thing of course once jupiter gets into his fifth house things might look a
little brighter for him but that's not until late spring well
if i if i knew how to get from the seventh house to the fifth house
without breaking a lease that's easy just pass by the sixth house
but mrs hall the way it figures out mercury doesn't even show up in his
sixth house until june oh of course the stupid of me yes
but what oh now i see capricorn so that's what you were busy with this
morning louisa charting professor professor maxwell's
future eh like i told him yesterday he's in an adverse
cycle dr hall he he's a nice man but i don't
know why you got him teaching about the stars
why didn't even know he was born on the cusp
well professor maxwell is an astronomer louisa
not an astrologer what's the difference it's all in the stars
louisa astrology was an early attempt to study the interrelation of the stars
and their influence over terrestrial life later
under the guidance of exact science astrology became
astronomy which has attempted to solve the deepest problems of the cosmos
that's what i said dr hall they're both the same thing
except i uh perhaps i might put it another way now let me see now
um if you remember your copernicus louisa you must admit that answer doctor
that'll be professor maxwell show him in louisa will you
yes dr hall and mrs hall all it needed was a new washer
oh
imagine whole sentences louisa maybe we'd better take up astrology so we can
communicate it'll be worth taking up if i thought
we could guide the stars into a more favorable cycle for the oh
come in professor maxwell oh good morning dr hall mrs hall
good morning capricorn oh oh yes yes yeah i i didn't quite know what your
housekeeper was giving at yesterday when she asked me for my birth date
i thought maybe she was going to send me a necktie
she just presented me with this it seems to be a horoscope
louisa has taken quite a personal interest in you professor i hope you
don't mind oh no no no not at all not at all as a matter of fact i have the
highest respect for the early babelonians and their magic
but when it comes to horoscopes i guess i have more faith in
fluoroscopes aha now oh yes yes horoscope fluoroscopes is very good
professor very good but i i don't know why i'm
jesting in the light of what's been happening this morning
i'm quite perturbed i suppose you know about what
well yes professor but i wouldn't take it too seriously if i were you
i didn't i didn't but suddenly it's all over the campus
i realized that young gifford was just being impetuous and i don't want him to
be embarrassed by this any longer that's a very generous attitude to take
professor do you mind if i speak to the boy of
course not dr hall but i wouldn't want you to penalize him
he's one of my brightest students and after all i suppose i
don't pay too much attention to examinations
you see it isn't what my students put in their blue books that counts with me
it's what they see in the blue heavens oh oh that's good
blue books blue heavens do you follow me down oh indeed i do
however we do have to conform to certain procedures in our educational system
and one of these is examinations so with your permission
i'd like to insist that the gifford boy take the one he brushed aside so
cavalierly for all his brilliance as a student
he is flunking in manners
sure dr hall i'll take the exam i didn't think was going to raise all this fuss
and i'll apologize to old easy maxi i mean professor maxwell thank you
loressie i i'm sure you would well i wish somebody would explain to me what
i'm here for everybody apologizing to everybody else and everybody missing the
point what are you going to do about maxwell
well so that we will all understand the problem a little more clearly
i thought i'd ask you and leslie each a question
what kind of a question an examination question what for i'm out of school
i admit i don't know everything but i'm getting by quite nicely thank you
but so dr hall mr wellman but he's been asking himself questions all morning
and if i may quote him an intelligent man is never out of school
well school is his business business is my school
that's very close to the theater well after all it's maxwell it should be
all right what is the question dr hall mr wellman
what do you know about kepler kepler kepler oh you mean ira kepler wholesale
mattresses detroit planet rating gunman bradstreet
but how did he get into this i know the students sleep through maxwell's
classes but since when did we supply mattresses
in our astronomy class the sky's the limit
now now leslie i'd like to ask you the same question
about kepler sure dr hall that's a cinch everybody knows that
kepler gave us the laws of planetary motion and he was the man who gave
well of course that kepler well that's different astronomy
not my subject after all a long time ago too busy a man
forgets slips his mind that is
now leslie i have another question for you can you very briefly
cite wesley mitchell's contribution to economic statistics
wesley mitchell well wasn't he the one who uh
i know he was an american seems to me that he was a
economic is one of your subjects isn't it leslie oh yes mrs hall but it's a
required subject mitchell mitchell i don't think
oh goodness sakes gifford you're taking economics and you never
heard of mitchell you sleep through all your classes like
this is shocking mitchell studies on business cycles
history of financial i mean boom and bust and you never heard
of him how do you expect to earn a living
young man marry the banker's daughter
you see gentlemen as the french might say
one man's fish is another man's poison
kepler kepler was a familiar subject to leslie
who doesn't know a mitchell from a meteor while mr wellman the businessman
knows mitchell like his babson reports and for him
kepler might as well be be throwing custard pies at martin and louis on
television the point is that brilliance in one
field is no cause for intellectual arrogance
and in publicly scorning an examination which was easy for you leslie
you accomplished nothing but an exposure of your own vanity and bad manners
yes i know sir i'm sorry i i guess i was a fool oh no you're not a fool leslie
you don't have to remember that pride goes before a fall
and sometimes quite early in the spring
this is all very well but i'm still not satisfied about maxwell his course is
too easy to pass oh there always have been and i expect
there always will be certain courses known as pipes or snaps
the student can coast through these but coasting will get him nowhere except the
bottom of the hill he benefits only in so far as he
contributes astronomy is an exact science but
professor maxwell is not exacting because he realizes that the real
discipline of a student comes from dedication and not
requisition
well that certainly sent mr wellman packing and i hope he packed for a long
journey you should feel well rewarded for your
cunning ways my darling aquarius aquarius it's astrology i just sneak to look into
louisa's book listen toddy you were born under the
sign of aquarius the water bearer every college president
should be it makes it easier to carry water on both
shoulders and to dispose of any annoying little drips
uh naming no names of course no and you my darling you are libra aren't
you yeah libra the sign of the scales this
accounts for the fact that i weigh myself carefully every morning
and that i weighed you in the balance and found me
wanting me or am i just being vague libra my love your scales will never be
questioned by either the department of weights and measures
or william aquarius hall come here
the halls of irony starring mr and mrs ronald colman has been presented by
schlitz the beer that made milwaukee famous
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next time every time ask for schlitz beer and now here again are mr and mrs
ronald colman good night everyone good night from our sponsor the joseph schlitz
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ladies and gentlemen we are happy and proud to announce that the halls of ivy
has been awarded top honors for 1951 for the national association for better
radio and television we'll be seeing you next week at this
same time at the halls of ivy starring mr and mrs ronald colman
mr wellman is played by herbert butterfield louisa is elizabeth patterson
professor maxwell is bruce pain and gifford was herb ellis
tonight's script was written by barb and milton merlin and don quinn music was
composed and conducted by henry russell the halls of ivy was created by don
quinn directed by milton merlin and presented with joseph schlitz
brewing company of milwaukee wisconsin we invite you to enjoy on television the
schlitz playhouse of stars with helen hayes
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can carpenter speaking