The Voice of America presents the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman.
Good evening, this is Ronald Coleman and Vanita Coleman, inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College.
And now, the Halls of Ivy. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is, in the town of Ivy, USA.
Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, president of Ivy, has more than ordinary fortitude and forbearance, but even he has moments when he gives way under the many disturbances inevitably encountered in any given day.
At the moment, he appears to be quarreling with a small magazine, turning the pages with more than usual vigor and vehemence, a fact which is noted by his noteworthy wife, Victoria, who says,
Are you in a pet, pet? Yes, dear, and the juxtaposition of the two words is singularly apt. By one pet, I assume you mean a person specially cherished.
Why do, as I said in my marriage ceremony, to you that is. Thank you, dear, and if by the other pet you mean a fit of peevishness, yes, I am particularly petulant.
And the provocation is patent. Patent, provocation, well, shall I open another can of peas?
Yes, you'd better, because I have a parcel of pertinent peevish and pungent paragraphs to present about publishers who plague the public with protruding pages in their pesky periodicals.
When you do that with any letter of the alphabet, go ahead, try it with X.
I know. I know there are limits to my alliterative talents, but look, look at this little magazine.
Oh, bathing girl on the cover. Clever idea, wonder who thought that up.
Yes, the lengths to which publications will go to find excuses for bathing suit covers.
I always wondered why they call them pinup girls, and where could they put a pin?
What are you complaining about?
Well, suppose I wish to read the advertised article on page 12. I open the magazine and what happens?
With fiendish alacrity, it leaps open to page 6, exposing a cardboard insert suggesting that I take a six months trial subscription.
Why don't you tear it out?
All right. There, it's torn out. Now, I try again to turn to page 12.
This time, the magazine automatically springs open at page 104 and the other half of the cardboard insert thrusts itself at me.
Ah, well, after this I'll get to the magazines first and tear out the inserts myself.
Oh, my dear, I wouldn't. Such small tribulations are good for me. They build character.
Oh, what, darling, if your character hasn't been completely built, furnished and rented by this time, I don't know.
Ah, now today is officially started. I'll get it.
Hello, Dr. Hall speaking.
Spencer, Thomas Spencer.
Well, I'll be busy until sometime late this afternoon. What about tomorrow?
Oh, well, if it's really urgent, come over about 4.30 then.
Not at all. Goodbye.
Vicki, do you know a student named Thomas Spencer?
Thomas Spencer? No. I don't.
Well, according to him, he knows I'm busy, but he has to see me.
Naturally. A matter of life and death.
He didn't say it, but that was the implication.
Now, where was I?
When?
Well, I must have been saying something. I usually am, given a three second break in anyone's conversation.
Well, now, let me think about it. Oh, yes. During your second waffle at breakfast, you said something about something being yummy.
Well, I think you said yummy.
I? I said yummy. William T. Hall, PhD, LLD said yummy.
Are you sure it was yummy?
No, it could have been dummy or tummy or mummy.
Oh, oh, mummy. Yes, yes, of course, mummy.
Of course what, Pappy?
Ah, no. Not mummy in the maternal sense. Mummy in the Egyptological sense. Ours is missing.
Ah, mummy. I didn't even know we had one. I must go through that back closet again someday and see what's going on there.
No, darling, I'll explain. Ivey's museum has or had a replica of a mummy. Queen Hatshepsut of Egypt's 18th dynasty.
And from the looks of them, most of them did.
Did what?
The ancient dynasty.
Oh, please.
You know, my dear, demortuous nil-nice-eye facetious.
Anyway, our mummy has disappeared. I doubt if it was mislaid because Queen Hatshepsut was a large girl.
Well, how about fearless officer Grogan? Has he broken out the bloodhounds?
Or is it too late for bloodhounds when you're 3,000 years old?
Well, Grogan agrees with me that it's probably a student prank.
He thinks that Hatshepsut will be lined up with the others at graduation to receive a diploma.
Let's see. Alphabetically, then, she'd be standing between Bones Harvey and Pookie Howser.
That narrows it down, doesn't it? At least the old girl will graduate mummy cum laude.
Yes, and probably be elected the girl most likely not to talk while dancing.
You know, darling, I sort of admire the nerve of the undergraduates.
The idea of stealing a mummy just for the fun of it.
Well, I admire their energy and even impudence up to a point.
But my appreciation ends with such moronic activities as dropping water-filled paper bags on the heads of passes by.
William, Tommy Spencer's here to see you.
Ah, yes. How do you do? Come in and sit down, Tommy.
Yes, sir.
I must commend your punctuality. It's exactly 4.30. But you sounded very anxious to see me.
Yes, sir, I was.
Wait, you want me to disappear while you discuss this with Dr. Hall, Tommy? I have a new jar of vanishing cream upstairs I can use.
Oh, no, ma'am.
I don't seem to recall, Tommy. What year are you in?
Freshman, sir.
I see. A freshman. Hmm? Well, did your faculty advisor suggest you come to me with your problem?
No, sir. It was my own idea.
Well, it's nice to finally have an opportunity to meet you, even though it took a problem to bring you here.
Thank you, ma'am.
Problem? Ah, yes. Well, Tommy?
I beg your pardon?
You do have a problem, don't you?
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, well, we'll leave that for the moment.
Tell me, is Ivy living up to your expectations?
Oh, sure. Ivy's fine.
Only there's so much work piled on your head that you're wondering if you'll ever make the grade and get to be a sophomore. Is that it?
Oh, I think my grades are all right.
Oh, they're all right.
What are you majoring in?
Public speaking.
I'm sorry. We do not have a larger public present. What is your minor?
English, sir.
Well, it's nice to know English if you're going to do any public speaking. You don't have to use colored slides.
Do you intend to specialize in any particular period?
Not that I know of, sir.
Naturally. But the first year is more or less exploratory. In my own case, I thought I'd be most interested in the history of the English novel.
But much to my surprise, I found a powerful attraction for Chaucer.
Oh, and you find Chaucer amusing too, Tommy, huh?
No, ma'am. I don't know Chaucer yet.
Well, when you do, I'm sure you'll find him as rewarding as I did. He is as modern as any current bestseller.
In fact, the pilgrims of Canterbury are as alive today as they were during the fort...
Yes, but of course you didn't come here to talk about Chaucer, did you?
No, sir. I didn't.
Yes. Well, to come back to you, Tommy, tell us some more about yourself. Are you living with your family here at Ivy or are you from out of town?
Oh, I'm... I'm from out of town.
Well, it may seem harder that way at first, breaking our old ties and things like that.
Yes, breaking away and being on one's own is an inevitable part of everyone's education, Tommy, but the process of adjustment is never easy, is it?
I guess not, sir.
It's a matter of learning how to accommodate oneself to a new environment and to make independent decisions.
Yes, sir. Well, I guess I'd better go now and...
Thanks a lot.
For what?
For seeing me.
Well, are you sure there isn't something more you wanted to talk about or have we covered the subject thoroughly enough?
Yes, sir, we have.
Well, it's been very nice to meet you, Tommy. I hope you'll drop by again soon for another chat.
Yes, ma'am, I will. Bye, Dr. Owen.
Goodbye.
Thanks for everything.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Tommy.
Well, what was that?
Well, that, my darling, was a freshman to whom the ordinary rules of human logic do not apply too closely.
To think of him as a public speaker opens up new vistas of quiet oratory.
He's probably heard the old saying, better keep quiet and be thought a fool and start talking and prove it.
Would you suppose he was so nervous he just couldn't find words?
Well, he may have found them, but he obviously decided against using them.
Ah, well, I think I'm going to turn in, Vicky.
Oh, you do, darling. I'll finish my book in bed.
I'm very doubtful it'll put me right to sleep. Incidentally, what a wonderful publishing idea. The Yawn of the Month Club.
Do you want a sandwich or something?
No, no, no, no, dear. I had an excellent dinner. No, no, I couldn't touch a thing.
There's some nice cold ham.
No, no, no, no, I really couldn't. Oh, no.
Some cold roast chicken, too.
No, no, no. There is?
Mmm.
Mmm. Ham and chicken. After all, that'll make a splendid sandwich. Just a tiny one, of course.
Perhaps just a sliver of cheese. And not too much pickle.
Oh, oh, and we mustn't forget the mayonnaise, must we, dear? Now, how about a...
Half a cold cherry pie, too.
Is there really?
Mmm.
Well, perhaps I might have...
Oh, I'm sorry, Dagwood, old boy. Your tiny little four-pound sandwich will have to wait.
I wonder who this could be.
I don't know, but let's get rid of him quickly. I'm starving. Say, here, I'll find a...
No, no, I'm coming with you, me being a curious type. Besides, I can discourage whoever it is.
Mmm. Nobody to discourage.
Well, it's funny. It's not Halloween, so...
Well, it may not be Halloween, but we do have an unbidden guest. Or is it Ghost?
Where?
Standing up right over there.
Where? Oh! What's that?
There's nobody. Just Queen Hatshepsut all wrapped up in her sarcophagus.
You mean Mommy's come home?
And just wait a minute. There's a note attached to us. Let me get back in the light here.
Vicki, Vicki, listen to this. Dr. Hall, I got her out all right, but I can't get her back in. Health!
The Voice of America is bringing you this rebroadcast presentation of The Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman.
And now to return to The Halls of Ivy. It's the next morning, and Dr. and Mrs. Hall are discussing the problem of the stolen mummy which was left on their doorstep the night before.
Well, darling, I don't mind your keeping Hatshepsut here for a couple of days if you think we can spare Louisa. She's locked herself up in her room and she won't come out.
But Vicki, didn't you explain that this wasn't a real mummy, just a facsimile?
Unfortunately, I used that very word, facsimile. And Louisa said, I don't care how it facsimile, it scares me half to death.
Vicki, she didn't.
Well, you must ask her, ask her yourself, through the keyhole. I don't think she'll open the door. But tell me, why are we keeping the mummy? Not that she wouldn't be the neatest weekend guest we've ever had.
Well, this is in the nature of a delaying action. You see, Vicki, if I were to comply with this desperate plea for help and return Hatshepsut now, the incident would be closed and quickly forgotten. But that might be an invitation for repetition. And one mummy on my doorstep is quite enough.
Toddy, I just had a thought. Do you remember that boy who was here to see you yesterday?
Oh, Tommy Spencer, yes.
Yes, well maybe that's what he came for. Maybe he had some information. Maybe he knew who took the mummy and at the last minute decided not to tattle. Maybe he...
Maybe that's maybe now. Don't get up, Vicki, Louisa will answer it.
Not today, she won't. I'll get it myself.
Perhaps I'd better have a talk with Louisa, even if it's only...
Mrs. Hall?
Yes?
I'm Lynn Gordon.
Oh, yes, I remember you, Lynn. You had a part in the freshman play, didn't you?
Well, a very small one. Mrs. Hall, I wonder, is there a chance that Dr. Hall could see me?
Oh, I think so. I'll use my influence. Come on in.
Thank you. I'll just stay a moment.
William, this is Lynn Gordon, one of our talented freshmen.
Hello, Ms. Gordon. Come in, sit down.
Thank you, Dr. Hall. If you're busy, I can come back later, but it's about the mummy.
Oh, well, in that case, Ms. Gordon, we have plenty of time.
What are a few minutes more to a mummy?
Don't tell me you took it, Lynn.
Oh, no, Mrs. Hall, but I...
But you know who did.
Yes, sir, I do. But unless you insist, Dr. Hall, I'd rather not tell you the name. I hate tail-bearing.
This is not an inquisition, Ms. Gordon. You voluntarily came here to tell me something,
so why don't you just tell me what you came here to tell me?
Well, Dr. Hall, I know he's bound to get caught sooner or later,
and I wanted to tell you some things about him so you won't be too harsh with him.
And is he aware of your sympathy and understanding?
Oh, no, Mrs. Hall, we're not close friends.
I've spoken to him lots of times, but usually he just says yes and no and walks away, almost like he was scared.
He's not the type to go around plundering museums, hm?
Well, that's just it. That's why I was so shocked when I saw him lugging that big box up the steps to his dorm.
I just couldn't believe it. Dr. Hall, something's happened to that boy.
He's been as quiet as a mouse all year, that is, until the last few days,
and suddenly he started doing the strangest things.
Oh, I don't know what's so strange about stealing a mummy. It's perfectly normal student conduct.
Well, it's not normal for him. He's a good student, but the silent kind.
Do you know what I mean?
Oh, yes, I think I do. As a matter of fact, I was somewhat quiet myself as a student.
Wrote fairly good paper. I don't know, it seemed to lose my tongue when called upon to speak in class.
I was known as William the Silent.
A likely story, I must say.
But, Lynn, what is so strange about this young man's being quiet?
Well, no, he isn't. The other day when our history professor asked him a question about the French Revolution,
he suddenly jumped up and gave a ten-minute speech, all in French.
C'est formidable!
And then, well, last Saturday there was a big gang in the malt shop,
and all of a sudden he got up on a stool and said the drinks were on him.
Well, he paid for everybody in the place. When we tried to thank him, he ducked out.
I like him better by the minute. He's eccentric in the right places.
If you consider our museum one of the right places.
Well, I know it sounds like nonsense.
Yes, but with a bit of sense in it, perhaps.
A boy who has apparently been under constraint all the year suddenly bursts into flower, so to speak.
Yes, and it's too bad Blossom Boy doesn't know what a good friend he has in you, Lynn.
Oh, but, Mrs. Hall, Tommy doesn't... Oh, dear, now I've done it.
Oh, you haven't done anything but good, Lynn, and don't worry about revealing your friend's identity.
As a matter of fact, Tommy Spencer came to see us yesterday.
He did?
Yes, and we're going to invite him for another visit. And this time I think he'll talk.
We'll make knowledge history by giving him a third degree before he has the first two.
Well, sit down, Tommy.
I believe you've met our friend over there, Tommy, Queen Hatshepsut, haven't you?
Yes, sir.
And am I correct in assuming that the problem you came to discuss with me yesterday had some connection with this mummy?
Yes, sir.
And in the course of our rather one-sided conversation, did you decide that instead of discussing the matter,
it would be simpler just to leave the whole thing in my lap?
Well, Dr. Hall, I didn't think...
No, Tommy, you didn't think, or you wouldn't have taken the mummy in the first place.
Oh, but I thought that all out.
Well, I bet it took some smart thinking to work out this mummy napping.
Yes, you displayed some ingenuity in walking out of the Ivy Museum with the sarcophagus up your sleeve.
Wasn't there a watchman on duty?
Yes, sir, but he was busy keeping an eye on things that sensible people might steal.
Well, I won't pry into your professional secrets, Tommy, but could you tell us why you took it?
Well, it's kind of involved. I guess it began three or four weeks ago during the rushing season.
Has this something to do with your being a fraternity pledge?
No, sir. It has something to do with my not being a fraternity pledge. I mean, nobody asked me.
And when I saw all the terrific things that made the pledges due, I figured the reason nobody asked me was because nobody figured I could do them.
Of course you could.
Thank you.
So I looked around to find something that would prove to the fellows that I could, and I did.
Only when I got that darned Egyptian coffin into my room and took a good look at it, it didn't seem to be so great after all.
And then I wanted to take it back, only that wasn't so easy because now everybody was looking for it.
Oh, yes, you were really in a spot.
Yes, ma'am. What's the matter with me, Dr. Hall? Why would I do a thing like that?
Well, Tommy, you've given us an answer yourself, but I imagine there's more to it than that.
Yes, sir.
You wanted to be part of things on the campus to get attention, didn't you?
I guess so.
There's nothing wrong with that, Tommy, except that you picked an odd way to go about it.
And being a quiet boy, or at least reserved by nature, you stored up so much to say and do that the reservoir suddenly burst.
Your safety valve was tied down all this time when the spring broke.
Look where it got me.
Tommy, a great many people confuse attention with admiration, conspicuousness with success.
They think a stunt is an achievement and misbehavior a declaration of independence.
Yes, I think I see. Dr. Hall, I think you're right, sir.
Thank you, Tommy.
Oh, no. Thank you, Dr. Hall. Well, it's getting kind of late, and I guess I'd better...
Just a minute. If you're going, I'd like you to escort a lady home on your way.
Certainly, sir.
Yes, she's a real campus queen, Tommy. Hatshepsut.
Oh, her? I mean it?
Yes, you will have the privilege of conveying Queen Hatshepsut and her sarcophagus back to the Ivy Museum.
Now? In broad daylight?
Well, as your good friend and mine Shakespeare said,
foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun. It shines everywhere.
But with everybody looking at me? Dr. Hall, I'll never make it. He'll kill me.
And then if they've broken the cup, he'll shoot me on sight.
Oh, no. I'm sure Dr. Hall will give you a safe conduct, fast, Tommy.
Well, all right, but look, suppose somebody asked me what... I mean, how do I explain?
You don't.
Sir?
As long as you have embarked upon a career of personal exploitation, Tommy,
you might as well use the well-tried public relations method of mystery.
Exploitation uses the technique of the floating iceberg.
Eight-ninths of it is underwater. The public sees only the visible ninths.
Yes, sir, but what if...
So you explain nothing to anybody. Just smile enigmatically and shake your head.
Mona Lisa in Grey Slacks.
See, Tommy, nobody will know you stole the mummy,
and they might even give you credit for clever detective work in finding it.
You'll be a big man on campus, a BMOC.
Just as Queen Hudget, so it was a big girl BC.
Golly, this is a new idea to me, sir. If I don't explain, I get talked about for something I'm not doing.
You'll think I'm a nut.
Well, pay no attention to the old claim that it's the squeaking wheel that gets the grease.
Just remember that it's the well-oiled machine that gets where it's going.
And the difference between the squeaky wheel and the well-oiled machine is simply
that when care of the axle is exercised beforehand, it won't be necessary to remove the nut.
Yes, sir.
Now, here again, our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Colton.
Good night, everyone.
Good night from all of us.
Good night.
We'll be seeing you next week at the same time at the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Colton.
Tommy Spencer was played by Joseph Carbone and Lynn was Sammy Hill.
Tonight's script was written by Barbara and Milton Merlin and Don Quinn.
Music composed and conducted by Henry Russell. Ken Carpenter speaking.
Oh, we love the Halls of Ivy that surround us here today.
This production of the Halls of Ivy was broadcast with an actual audience present in the studio.
We'll be far, far away to the hallowed Halls of Ivy.
Every voice will bid farewell and shimmer off in twilight like the old Vesperbless.
We'll be far, far away to the hallowed Halls of Ivy.