I married Joan, what a girl, what a world, what a life.
Oh, I married Joan, what a mind, love and pride, what a wife.
He and gay all day she keeps my heart laughing, never know where her grain is going.
To each his own, can he deny that why I married Joan.
The Joan Davis Show, I Married Joan, America's favorite comedy show.
Starring America's queen of comedy, Joan Davis, as Mrs. Joan Stevens.
And featuring Jim Backus as Judge Bradley Stevens.
I married Joan.
Oh Brad, I can hardly believe we're home.
You're right, we both look like we're still in a wire.
Hello Clara.
Hello Joan.
We're back.
I'm glad to see you.
Where were you?
We were, I'll tell you tomorrow.
Where were we?
We were Alaska.
We, Brad, Brad.
Oh thanks, you saved my life, you wonderful man.
Oh, think nothing of it dear.
Boy, it's great getting home, isn't it?
Oh, it sure is.
Like I always say, the best part of a vacation is coming home so you can get a good rest.
Well, we've got a lot of unpacking to do.
Might as well get at it.
OK.
Oh boy.
Did you miss us, you poor thing?
Nobody's sat in you for two whole weeks.
That feel better?
Joan?
Coming Brad.
Oh Brad, you turned the radio on, the music sounds good.
It's been sounding good for two weeks.
Brad, you're not making sense.
Oh, I forgot to turn it off when we left.
I remember, I was waiting to hear the weather report.
Should I pack my snuggie, shouldn't I pack my snuggie?
Joan, this radio has been playing this empty house for two weeks.
Oh, the poor thing.
And I'll stand by for the local weather report.
Now he tells me.
Well, should I pack my snuggies or shouldn't I?
There'll be local frost in the valley and...
Joan, I don't...
Oh Brad, please don't be angry.
Oh, all right dear.
Say I'm hungry, how about something to eat?
Sure dear, I'll fix you a sandwich.
We can unpack later, huh?
Oh, I'm going to leave them there.
Say, let's make this a real spread, huh?
Oh sure dear, it isn't every day that we get home from the Hawaiian Islands.
If you are, let's do things right, I'll get a pie from the freezer.
Oh, thank you.
White 15.
Hootahoo, a hot we go.
What's wrong dear?
Joan, when we left on our vacation two weeks ago, you said you'd lock the back door.
Yes, I did.
It isn't locked.
I'll go lock it.
No dear, it's not necessary Joan, we're home now.
I can't understand it, I distinctly remember.
Yes?
Not locking the door.
Is there anything else that you've forgotten?
No dear, I took care of everything else.
You sure?
I'm positive.
All right dear, well I'm just...
Oh, dear.
Hello?
Oh, hello Vi.
Did you get my card?
Yes, we just got in.
Oh, we had a wonderful time in Hawaii.
Hawaii.
You would have just loved it.
Everything there is so Hawaiian.
Hawaiian?
Oh, I'm telling you, we had a great time in Hawaii.
Yes, it was a beautiful time of the year.
Oh, and the people are so friendly.
I think everybody should make that trip.
Yes, what?
Bridge tonight with the girls?
Oh, I couldn't do that and leave Brad the first night.
Listen, I got a better idea.
We took a lot of 16mm film the first few days we were over there
and we sent them home to be developed.
I'm sure they're in the mailbox right now
and I'd like you and the girls to come over here instead.
Would you?
Listen, when you see some of these shots.
Oh, I'll talk to the co-worker here tonight to see the movies, huh?
Bye, Max.
Goodbye, bye.
Guess what?
You forgot to tell the milkman to stop the milk.
Yes.
How do you like that?
They're one quart short.
Joan, I...
I'm going to get the mail.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Oh, you know, I didn't even open that bag.
It was some warm clothes I took along,
but the weather was so wonderful I didn't even have to unpack it.
Well, you'll have plenty of chance to use these things here.
Don't let the Chamber of Commerce hear you say that.
Well, here's the mail.
Bills, bills, bills.
Letter from your father, that's the same as a bill.
And oh, yes, yes, here's the movies that we made in Hawaii.
Oh, good, I knew they'd be here.
I'm going to have the girls over tonight to see these movies.
I'll do a real good job of cleaning the house.
I can't understand it.
It should be here.
What's that, Brad?
An answer to an opinion I gave on the Brighton case.
The Brighton case?
Well, yes, you remember, you didn't agree with my opinion.
You thought Brighton was innocent.
I don't quite recall.
Well, of course you remember, dear.
We had quite an argument.
You told me I was wrong up until the time I gave you the opinion to mail for me.
I did?
Well, sure.
You remember mailing it, losing a vanilla envelope about so big?
Well, of course I mailed it.
If I said I did it, I did it.
After all, I wouldn't forget anything of importance.
How big did you say that envelope was, Brad?
About that big.
That's all, sir.
Joan, Joan, what is this?
What's what, Brad?
Joan.
Now, Brad, dear, I know exactly what you're going to say,
and I couldn't agree with you more.
You're absolutely right.
It was stupid of me.
I should have nailed it, but I forgot.
I don't think you forgot at all.
You see, I should have taken it immediately, and then I...
What?
I think you deliberately didn't mail it.
Oh, Brad, how can you say that?
Because you didn't agree with my opinion on the Brighton case.
You were against me all along.
Yes, dear, but I wouldn't...
Look, dear, I can put up with a lot of things,
but when you deliberately interfere with my work...
No, Brad, I didn't do it deliberately.
I simply forgot.
Oh, Joan, don't make me laugh.
But, Brad, where are you going?
I am going to stay at my club.
For how long?
I don't know.
Oh, Mrs. Stevens, don't worry.
The judge is pretty hot right now,
but he'll come back when he cools off.
Just wait.
But I don't want to wait.
He's my Brad, and hot or cold, I want him now.
Brad, I hate to suggest this,
but maybe you want to swallow your pride
and call the judge up at the club.
Me? Call Brad?
It seems sensible.
You mean I should call him and ask him to come home,
plead with him, beg him,
even though I know I'm right and he's wrong?
Mm-hmm.
Nothing doing.
Besides, I just tried it, and it didn't work.
Well, I'd better get that movie thing out
as the girls are coming over.
Thanks, Freda.
I'll try to think of something to tell them.
Freda, maybe that's Brad now.
Maybe he's called up to apologize.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
My troubles are over with the girls now.
Want me to answer the phone?
What for? He's already apologized.
Everything's straightened out.
Oh, the feeling, yeah.
Hello, Brad.
No, this isn't Brad, Mrs. Stevens.
This is Desmond Palmer.
Desmond Palmer? Oh, Judge Palmer.
Yes. Is Brad there?
Oh, no, he isn't here right now,
but I can tell you where you can reach him.
He's at the men's club.
Oh, thanks.
I have some good news for Brad, Mrs. Stevens.
Good news?
Yes, I've decided to retire from the bench next month,
and I've been asked to recommend a successor.
It would be a real advancement for Brad, Mrs. Stevens.
Oh, that is good news.
Which court is that?
The Court of Domestic Relations.
Oh, the Court of Domestic Relations?
Yes, you see, it's my theory that the best man for this position
is a man whose own private domestic life is smooth and untroubled.
I know that you and Brad are an ideal couple,
well-mated in perfect accord,
with never a disagreement.
Right, Mrs. Stevens?
I mean...
Well, I'll call Brad at the club now.
Oh, listen, Judge Palmer,
I was wondering if you'd do me a favor, please.
Why, certainly. What is it?
Well, when you speak to Brad,
don't tell him that you spoke to me first.
I want him to be able to surprise me with the news himself.
Oh, that's very considerate of you, Mrs. Stevens.
It makes me surer than ever
that Brad is the man for the Court of Domestic Relations.
Goodbye, Mrs. Stevens.
Goodbye, Judge Palmer.
Mrs. Stevens, if you're so worried about the girls coming over,
why don't you let me tell him you don't feel well?
Oh, forget it, Freda.
Forget it?
Yep.
In exactly 35 minutes,
my wandering rooster is going to be back in the henhouse.
Mrs. Stevens, I don't know how you can be so sure the judge is coming back.
Because I know my husband,
and there isn't anything he wouldn't do in the world to get that job in the Domestic Relations Court.
And if there was the slightest whisper that his own domestic life wasn't absolutely perfect,
they wouldn't even consider him at all.
Let's see, Judge Palmer must have called him about...
Go out the door, Freda.
Open it.
Hmm. I give up.
Well, if it isn't his honor, the wandering judge.
May I come in?
Come in.
But you'll have to excuse me.
I've got to get these films of the trip ready.
I'm having some guests over.
Joan.
Yes, Brad.
Joan, I...
Yes, Brad?
Well, about the argument, Joan.
Yes, Brad.
Well, I want to patch it up. You see...
Yes, Brad?
Well, I've been thinking it over.
I ought to go halfway and...
Yes, Brad.
Well, what do you say, Joan?
Brad?
Yes, Joan.
No, Brad.
Didn't you just get a call from Judge Palmer at the club?
Yes.
He wants to recommend me to succeed him in Domestic Relations Court.
That's why you came home to make up with me, isn't it?
No, that's not so.
His call caught me in the lobby.
I was on my way home when he phoned.
I even asked him to meet me here.
Oh, really, now.
Honestly, honestly, that's the truth, Joan.
You've got to believe me.
That...
You expect me to believe a story like that
when you wouldn't even believe a true story
that I forgot to mail the envelope?
Look, I know why you didn't mail the envelope.
Because you didn't agree with my political opinions.
That is not true.
But I know why you came home.
You didn't want Judge Palmer to know that we quarreled.
That's not so, but I'm not going to argue the matter.
That suits me fine.
Well, I'm sorry I came home.
I'm not shooting off any cannons.
Well, that's it, Joan. I am going back to the club.
That must be the girls.
Maybe it's Judge Palmer.
Look, Brad, I don't want the girls to suspect there's anything wrong between us.
And you feel the same way about Judge Palmer.
That's right.
Make a deal with him.
Let's hide our feelings.
Until after they leave.
Good evening, Mrs. Stevens.
Oh, Judge Palmer, come in.
Hello, Bradley, my boy.
Oh, Judge, here, let me take your things.
Oh, thank you. I'll put them right down here.
And how are you?
Oh, splendid. Thank you, Mrs. Stevens.
And I'm happy to say that I have some more good news.
I've already spoken to the Board of Supervisors.
And when I told them that my choice was Bradley Stevens, they were delighted.
Oh, say that. That's good news.
Isn't it, Joan?
Great. Great. Great news.
Well, I'll bet you were so proud of your husband that you could just throw your arms right around him and give him a great big kiss.
Well, go ahead, kids. Don't mind me.
Now it can wait.
Yes, it can wait, you know.
Oh, for heaven's sake, don't be so shy.
Come on, this is a big moment for both of you.
Go ahead.
Oh, yes, the spirit.
Just what the Court of Domestic Relations needs.
A happily married man.
Oh, there must be the girls.
Oh, listen, Brad.
Oh, see, but, uh, Judge Palmer, these are the girls of my bridge.
Oh, I see.
All right.
Now that you all know one another, what should we do?
Well, come on. We're just dying to see those pictures of Hawaii.
Yes, Hawaii, you lucky kids.
Oh, you must be the happiest couple.
Oh, they are. I can vouch for that.
Well, shall we see the pictures?
Oh, yeah, I'll set to see the pictures.
I came just in time. I'd like to see those pictures of Hawaii, too.
Oh, well, look at you.
Here's the judge. There we are.
Thank you.
Sit down there.
Yes.
There you are.
All set, darling.
All set, lover.
I, uh, I just wanted to get my glasses from my purse.
Sorry, everyone.
Well, let's see what Hawaii looks like now.
We haven't even seen the pictures ourselves.
It was just developed.
Oh.
Well, uh, contact.
Folks, in a minute you'll see beautiful Hawaii, land of tropical enchantment.
Oh, there's the Royal Hawaiian Hotel where we stayed at.
That is when we were out, weren't out looking at the sights.
Speaking of sights, here's one.
I'm only kidding.
Oh, that's a painting.
Oh, there's Black Mackey Beach.
There's the Pali Pass.
This is one of the most beautiful views on the island.
Oh, Brad said we picked a very bad day.
It was very windy.
They say you can see everything from the Pali.
I see what you mean.
Brad, you were supposed to be photographing the scenery.
I was photographing everything of interest.
Yeah, the wind is blowing.
Oh, the wind there is amazing.
Oh, what a beautiful view.
This is embarrassing.
Don't worry, Mrs. Stevens, I'm not looking.
Brad, stop it.
Oh.
Start it, start it, Brad.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
I've been in windy places in my life, but never anything that can...
Oh, I...
Oh.
Brad said we'd come back some other day when it wasn't so windy.
Yeah, it's been alright.
Oh, there's a coconut tree, and I wanted to get a nice, fresh coconut.
So I started to climb the tree.
Oh, did you really climb the tree?
How should I know?
This is the first time I've seen the picture, too.
Yeah.
Oh, no, I remember now.
There's a little native boy that said he'd be happy to go out and get the coconut for me.
They just can't do enough for you over there.
Isn't that hot?
Oh, yeah.
Why didn't Brad climb up and get your coconut?
Brad?
He gets a nosebleed even if he licks the near-nail stamp.
I'd like to see that boy write a legal opinion, especially one like the Brighton case.
Well, at least he isn't making a fuss like a child screaming and yelling.
Joan, what are you talking about?
Oh, that's a private joke.
A little family joke.
Oh, I don't like it.
Go on.
You know what?
Oh, my goodness.
Look at the coconut, Brad.
There it is.
I told him one was plenty, but we're too afraid to give him one, and he gets an old sample.
Oh, look at how much they...
Oh, there's my coconut.
There's only two ways to open a coconut.
That's one of them.
I was a mess.
I had to go back to the hotel and clean up.
Oh, my.
Oh, here we are at a pineapple field.
And I wanted to pick some of my own pineapple to take back to the hotel.
What does that sign mean?
Capoo?
Capoo.
I don't know what the Hawaiian word for welcome is.
It means nothing to the guy.
It means keep out.
Oh, what?
Oh, my.
That's a lot of English.
And I am picking the pineapples.
He never tasted anything like a pineapple.
Now, listen.
Watch her, Joan.
Catch it.
Watch her catch it.
What's that?
Oh, that's a pineapple heart.
You see the conveyor belt?
It says the work of a lot of men.
It's very modern.
Oh, no.
There we go.
I didn't even know it was behind me.
I saw them with those swords.
I thought they were headhunters.
So does Joan think slowly in the West.
We say farewell to the pineapple area.
Oh, here we are at the harbor on the dock.
We're going fishing on a friend of ours' boat.
Yep, we're going fishing.
Brad said that he was going to teach me everything he knew about fishing.
Why is Brad in the picture?
Well, I just said that.
Oh, no.
He was the only thing that was greener than the water.
You might say he made the whole trip by rail.
I got a strike.
Oh, my.
Grab it.
Grab it, Mrs. Stevenson.
Grab it.
Come on.
Okay.
I feel it now.
Oh, gee.
Oh, my God.
Grab the top cruiser.
Go, go, go.
Don't shake it.
Oh, I almost said I'd come down.
Get your hat off.
Just tugging the tug.
Tug the tail.
Oh, God.
He's all excited.
They're going to up to the boat now.
See, they're going to gap it.
That's the big hook they've got to gap it.
Oh, gee.
I know that joke.
You put on a one-fifth and come in with a salted crab.
and come in with a sardine.
Oh!
Turn it over.
Look over the boat, maybe you can see it.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Did you see it?
I did.
It's a 186 pound marlin, and I caught him all myself.
Oh, my God.
Beautiful color they are.
And did you notice the long sword on him?
Oh, you're going to have it stuffed, Jill.
Well, I was going to take him to the taxi, Jermit,
but I couldn't get him in the taxi.
I didn't see Hawaii, but it looks like Hawaii saw me.
Oh, there's Don the Beachcomber.
I've heard of that guy.
Yes, Don the Beachcomber.
He's got a wonderful eating place,
and tropical food, tropical drinks, and everything.
We're at a luau.
Who's that?
That's Don the Beachcomber.
Oh, he's handsome.
Isn't he?
He's offering me the native specialty poi.
I've often wondered what it tastes like.
Oh, you eat it with your fingers?
Well, that isn't very satisfactory.
Don't worry.
There isn't a germ that could stay alive in that stuff.
I got it when he didn't see me.
But being the perfect host, he offered me more.
What does poi taste like?
Like nothing you ever tasted.
Oh, I didn't know that.
You're a good sport.
Oh, I am on a surfboard.
That's really me now, too.
Oh, there's Charlie Amalo.
Hello, Charlie.
There we are, waiting for the waves.
Oh, he's got a paddle now.
Brad, where are you?
Brad was in the outfitter canoe taking the picture.
That's me, I was taking the picture.
Oh, my.
There we are.
Look at Joe.
Isn't that dangerous?
Well, it is for me.
I can't swim.
Oh, no.
There we are, about 35 miles an hour.
Oh, my goodness.
That's really wonderful.
Oh, wow.
That's wonderful.
So, you couldn't swim.
What happened?
Who saved you?
Well, I jumped in clothes and all.
Oh, you're a hero, Brad.
I wouldn't say that.
Charlie, I think the pictures were just wonderful.
Oh, this has certainly been an interesting evening, Mrs. Stevens.
I had such a nice time.
Next summer, I'm going to make Frank take me to Hawaii.
Hawaii.
I know it's your first night home, and you must be very tired from the trip,
so we'll just dangle on.
Good night.
I must say, you're the happiest married couple I know.
Well, you have to work at it, you know.
We make a point never to quarrel.
Well, good night, Mrs. Stevens.
Good night, Judge Bradley J. Stevens of the Domestic Relations Court.
Good night.
Now, let me tell you.
Now, you win.
You win.
Oh, I just forgot my blue case.
I just forgot my blue case.
You're the happiest couple I know.
Joan.
Let's watch the pictures again.
I married Joan.
What a girl, what a world, what a life.
Oh, I married Joan.
What a mind, love, and spine, what a wife.
She's a beauty and gay, all day she keeps my heart laughing.
Never know where her brain has gone.
To each his own, and he not up for another Joan.