The Jack Benny Program.
Hello, doctor.
Yes, it's me again.
Doctor, look, I did everything you told me to and my cold is getting worse.
It's gone to my chest now. I know complications are setting in and...
Huh?
No, no, I don't want any house calls. Just suggest over the phone.
What do you think I ought to...
Huh?
Hung up.
Huh?
Hung up.
Right away with the house calls.
I feel miserable.
Oh, nurse.
Nurse!
That hot water bottle that you put by my feet leaks. It's no good.
Well, I told you to keep your toe in the hole.
I told you to have a patch.
You're a fine nurse.
You've only been sick three days. I haven't had a chance to get a diploma.
That patch looks ridiculous.
Is Miss Livingston still in the kitchen?
She's fixing you something to eat.
No, I can't eat. I have no appetite or anything.
What are you doing?
What are you caught medicine?
Rochester, I don't want that stuff. It tastes awful.
Come on now, you've got to take it.
Come on.
Open up.
Open wide.
Say, boss, did you read where Gary Cooper made five million dollars last year?
Wow!
Rochester!
What are you laughing at?
Last time I said ten million and you swallowed the spoon.
You sure my lawyer said he'd be here by 1030?
That's what he said.
I wish he'd get here.
Here you are, Jack.
I fixed you a nice omelet.
Oh, Mary, I can't eat. I have no appetite.
Oh, you've got to eat something. Here, this will do you good.
Oh, all right.
Rochester, did Mr. Vinnie have a good night's rest?
No, he tossed and turned and kept talking in his sleep all the time.
What'd he say?
Say he's going to give me a raise.
Well, I'm not.
You mumble again tonight and I'm going to stick a checkbook in your hand.
Listen, don't try anything, Rochester.
Mary, what did you put in this omelet?
VapoRub. You've got a cold, haven't you?
VapoRub?
That's stuff that you're supposed to rub on.
You're supposed to use it externally.
Then put the omelet on your chest and leave me alone.
Well, I can't breathe. I'm getting pneumonia.
But do I get any sympathy?
Oh, gesundheit, Jack.
Thanks.
I got a hot water bottle at the...
Gesundheit, boss.
Thanks.
A water bottle that leaks an omelet with...
It's your turn, Miss Linston.
No, I said it already.
Yeah, but I said it after you said it.
Well, somebody say it. I'm not suspicious.
Gesundheit.
It's all Don Wilson's fault.
Oh, don't be such a baby, Jack.
Answer the door, Rochester. It must be my lawyer.
Yes, sir.
Leave me, Mary.
I've done a million nice things for Don Wilson.
Then he has to go and pull a stunt like this.
Well, he'll regret it, believe me.
I'm sorry, Mr. Benny, but I was slightly detained.
Oh, hello, Miss Livingston.
Hello, Mr. Kearns.
Here you are, Mr. Kearns. Have a seat.
Oh, thank you very kindly, Rochester.
Well, Mr. Benny, I've got all the papers drawn up here.
But of course, you realize this might come to court and...
Well, are you sure you want to go through with this?
Positive.
I'm going to break down Wilson's contract.
Jack, you can't be serious.
Mary, I know what I'm doing.
Are the papers in order?
Yes, but there's one minor detail concerning the reference to Mr. Wilson.
Minor details, details. What is it?
Well, don't you think it would be more proper legal phraseology
if you referred to him as the party of the second part instead of a big fat slob?
I don't care how you refer to him.
I just want to break Wilson's contract. That's all.
Jack, you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
I am not.
Mr. Benny, you never did tell me what was it that Mr. Wilson did.
I mean, what happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
It all started at Tuesday's rehearsal.
We'd been at it all day and the show was shaping up fine.
Well, the sketch is fine. Bob, your production number looks great.
Your monologue's good, Jack. The only thing left is Dennis' song.
Now, where is he? I don't know.
I'm sorry to keep you people so late.
Might as well take five. Take five, everybody.
Come on, Bob, let's finish this game. You're 900 points up.
I'll go over to your side.
I'll get you, though.
Don, I meant... Oh, don't get up.
I meant to give you this yesterday. Better late than never.
Happy anniversary.
Thanks very much, Mary. That's very thoughtful of you.
Bob, I want to thank you, too.
That silver serving tray you sent made a big hit for the little woman.
Well, Don, you don't have an anniversary every day, you know.
How'd you like my present, Don?
Oh, it was beautiful, Jack. I haven't seen any of those in a long time.
They're not easy to get, you know. I had to shop all over town.
What'd they give you, Don?
A bowl of wax fruit.
Yes, sir.
You give the corniest presents.
Last year on my birthday, you gave me a bustle.
I know, but it was full of chocolates. Don't forget that.
It was a novelty.
I spent a dollar and a half a pound for a bustle, and she's complaining.
What good is candy after you sit on it?
You weren't supposed to sit on it. That was your fault.
Hard centers yet.
Never mind.
Don, with all the friends you've got, you must have taken in quite a haul.
Oh, we got some magnificent gifts, Bob.
You just wouldn't believe...
Say, wait a minute. I have a wonderful idea.
When we're through here, why don't we all go over to the house and take a look at them?
But, Don, it's 7 o'clock.
So what? There's always plenty of food around the house. You can stay for dinner.
Dinner?
Gee, that'll be an imposition on your wife.
I mean, the three of us barging in like that.
Jack, it's no imposition. Lois would love to have you.
I know, but I think at least you ought to call your wife up.
I mean, call her up and tell her we're coming, so that we don't barge in like...
Jack, it's no trouble at all. Lois is a peach.
Well, all right. But I think...
Where's Dennis? I'd like to run through his song before we break.
Dennis? I don't know. That kid drives me nuts.
Whenever we want him, he's not here.
If he's not here in time to sing his song, I'm not paying him.
You said the secret word. You said the secret word.
You want to try it? It's more fun than the merry-go-round.
Merry-go-round. Merry-go-round. Come on, now. Now, get him down off of here.
Hey, Clancy, lower the boom.
Dennis, sometimes I think you haven't got a brain in your head.
Well, I suppose it doesn't take brains to sing a song.
Not necessarily. Crickets can sing, and they haven't got brains.
Well, Jack, I think you're a little confused there.
You see, crickets don't exactly sing.
Their song comes from rubbing their hind legs together.
Oh. Hey, I ought to try that sometime.
Yeah, do that. Let me know how it turns out.
Now, get this thing off of you. You rehearsed your song. You kept us waiting here for an hour.
Okay.
That kid drives me crazy. No wonder I look 40.
Bob, is the orchestra ready?
Well, except our piano player, Charlie Bagby.
What's the matter with Bagby? Didn't he show up?
Well, he was here, but he was wearing a dirty shirt, so I sent him home.
Bob, with these guys, I mean, what's so terrible about wearing a dirty shirt?
That's all he was wearing.
Oh. Well, no wonder you sent him home.
I'm kind of worried, though. I think he took the bus.
Bob, you're making this whole thing up.
I think I am, too.
Dennis.
Huh?
Look, we want to get through with this rehearsal. Now, go ahead and sing your song.
With my legs and my tonsils.
With your tonsils?
Forget about the crickets. Okay.
Malin, will you run it over with Denny?
Okay. Malin, will you run it over with Denny?
What a day this has been What a rare mood I'm in
Life, almost like being in love
There's a smile on my face For the whole human race
Why, it's almost like being in love
All the music of life seems to be Like a bell that is ringing for me
And from the way that I feel When that bell starts to feel
I would swear I was falling I could swear I was falling
It's almost like being in love
All the music of life seems to be Like a bell that is ringing for me
And from the way that I feel When that bell starts to feel
I would swear I was falling I could swear I was falling
It's almost like being in love
Dennis, that was wonderful. Oh, thanks.
And I must say it sounded a whole lot better than a cricket rubbing its legs together.
To you, but not to another cricket.
I never thought of that.
Jack, everything looks fine. I've got a few things to work out yet, but you can all go.
Okay. Come on, kids.
Well, I'm all ready. Where's everybody?
Come on, kids. I got a cab. He's waiting out front.
Oh, say, Dennis, Mary, Jack and Bob are coming over to the house. Why don't you join us?
Oh, swell. Thanks.
Wait a minute. Don, now there are four of us.
This is an imposition, barging in on your wife like that.
Jack, I told you it's perfectly all right. Lois won't mind.
Come on, Jack. I'll get the cooks.
But I still think you ought to call her up and tell her we're coming.
Oh, Jack, stop worrying. Don knows what he's doing. Come on.
Come on, Jack. It's perfectly all right. No, come on.
Look, now, what would it hurt to call her up?
Don, how much farther is it?
Just a little way, Mary.
Don, I'm still worried. You sure your wife won't mind our barging in like this?
Lois will be delighted to have you, Jack.
Okay.
Right straight ahead, driver. I'll tell you when to turn.
♪
How much is it, driver?
Mary and Lois.
Okay. Here you are.
Now, wait a minute, Don. Let me take care of this.
Hold on, Bob. I want to take care of it.
Look, Danny, I'll pay with a fare.
No, let me, Bob.
Look, Danny, Mary, Don sure has a beautiful house, doesn't she?
Rose bushes around the door and everything.
Jack, pay for the cab and let's go in.
Me pay for it? I'm not even in the argument.
Go on.
Oh, gee, give me a minute.
How much did you say it was, driver?
$1.85.
Okay. Here's $2. Keep the change.
Oh, goody. Now I can weigh myself 15 times.
Wise guy.
All right, Don. Let's go in.
Yeah, let's go.
Wait a minute.
Huh?
Well, you know, Jack, I...
Well, I've been thinking.
What?
Well, gee whiz, maybe I should have called my wife up first.
Well, five of us barging in like this, it might upset her.
Don, that's what I told you at the studio.
I said call her up.
Call up your wife. Let her know we're coming.
Come on, Don. Don't be afraid. Let's go in.
Oh, it's not that I'm afraid.
Wait a minute. I can understand the way Don feels, all of us barging in like this.
Barging, barging.
Yeah, barging.
I told you a thousand times. Call her up.
Call up the little woman. Let her know we're coming.
Right now, will you?
Look, I've got an idea. Tell you what.
You all go over there at the corner of the house and wait for me.
Right over there. Go ahead, all of you.
Come on, Jack. I'll be with you in a minute.
A thousand times.
Sure and call up.
Look, look, I'll tell you what we'll do.
I'll go in the house and tell Lois that some of the gang may drop over unexpectedly.
That'll soften the blow.
What blow?
Don, I told you it was...
Jack, let's do it his way. Come on.
Yeah, come on. Now, please do.
Everybody, get down now. Get down out of sight and be quiet.
Make it snap. I will.
Ouch!
Close the lines.
Quiet and get off my foot.
Oh, hello, sweetheart.
Oh, I thought I heard somebody out here.
You're home early.
Yeah.
Say, who was in that car that just drove away?
A junk man.
I gave him that lousy bowl of wax fruit.
There's gratitude for you.
The bananas lit up and everything.
Say, honey, I'm awfully hungry.
You got something good to eat for dinner?
Well, I didn't have a chance to do any shopping,
so I just opened a can of tuna fish.
Oh, that's fine.
I got two dollars already.
I'm gonna get tuna fish.
I haven't eaten it yet.
Oh, this silly.
I told him once. I told him a thousand times.
Call her up.
Call up the little woman.
Let's not barge in.
Silly thing.
Eat dry.
Dennis, stop eating those roses.
Oh, I'm hungry.
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard of, eating roses.
How are they?
They need salt.
Stop with the jokes.
Jack, you still here?
Yeah.
I just told my wife I saw Mary and Bob pulling up in a car,
so you two come on in.
Oh, good.
Okay, Mary.
See you later, Jack.
What about me?
You weren't in the car.
Oh, for Pete's sake, I could have been.
You made the whole thing up.
Let's all go in.
No, Jack, now, you can't do that.
Mary and Bob first.
This is the worst mess I ever got in.
Yeah.
I told him five times.
I said, Don, call up your wife.
Call up the little woman.
He ought to be a wise guy.
Top of that, it's going to rain.
If I get pneumonia, it'll be Don's fault.
Stop rubbing your legs together.
That's not me.
That's a cricket.
He's singing O Sole Mio.
O Sole Mio?
Doesn't sound like that to me.
That's because you don't understand Italian.
Why do you always have to annoy me?
Dennis, come on in.
Dennis?
Yeah.
I told my wife I saw Dennis ride up on his bicycle.
Well, as long as you're dreaming things up,
you could have seen me on the handlebars.
Use your fat head.
How's the tuna fish holding up?
Oh, there'll be plenty.
Don't worry, Jack, you're next.
Look who's here, dear, Dennis Day.
Hello, Mrs. Wilson.
Look who's here, dear, Dennis Day.
I ought to have my head examined.
I can't get over it.
I told him once, I told him five times.
This is call of duty.
It's call of duty.
Let him know we're coming.
This is a bargain.
I knew it, I knew it.
All to heck with it.
I'm going inside the house, ready or not.
Stick him up, buddy.
You hear me?
Stick him up.
Are you a burglar?
Who else works in lousy weather like this?
Look, mister.
Keep those hands up.
Now, come on.
Your money or your life?
I said, your money or your life?
I'm taking it over.
One peep out of you and, sir, help me, it's curtains.
But you heard him.
He was calling me just now.
Jack, where are you?
Come on in.
Look at him, mister.
The tour official will be all gone.
I told you.
There's nobody out there, darling.
You must have been mistaken.
I guess I was, dear.
Give me your dough.
Look, look, mister.
Please.
You can't do this to me.
It isn't my fault.
If Don Wilson had just taken my advice.
What are you talking about?
I'll tell you what I'm talking about.
I told him once.
I told him a thousand times.
Don, Don, call up the little woman.
Call up your wife.
Let's not all barge in on her.
Call her up.
Call up the little woman.
Oh, would he listen to me?
No.
Wife, smart.
I said, let's not barge in on the little woman.
I see.
Then because of Mr. Wilson, you have this miserable cold.
And nervous shock from being held up.
I can certainly understand your attitude, Mr. Benny.
Oh, here's a copy of Mr. Wilson's contract.
Look it over.
Well, you can see for yourself if this case should ever come to court.
Why?
Mr. Wilson wouldn't have a leg to stand on.
Why, as a matter of fact, we might even...
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Mr. Kearns.
Yeah?
Wait a minute.
I just noticed something.
I don't want to fire Don Wilson.
Jack, what made you change your mind?
Yes, you said yourself that he was responsible for your being sick.
I know.
But now that I see what I'm paying him, I deserve him.
Mary, I feel terrible.
I know I'm getting bronchitis.
Well, it's your own fault for being so cheap.
Anybody that has a cold as bad as you have would certainly call a doctor.
I guess you're right, Mary.
Who's a good doctor for bronchitis?
Well, I have a very good doctor.
His name is Dr. Hillary.
I'll call him.
What's his number?
Crestview 54199.
Hello, Dr. Hillary?
This is take it or lose it.
For $5,000, what's the best way to treat bronchitis?
Yeah.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
What?
Is that the right answer?
Well, I won't know for about three days.
Good night.
Thank you.
Good night.