The Jack Benny Program, presented by Lucky Strike.
What do you think this is?
It looks like some form of torture machine, doesn't it?
Far from it.
Actually, this instrument has a lot to do with a better taste of Lucky Strike cigarettes.
What you were just looking at was a device for measuring the moisture content of tobacco
about to be made into cigarettes in a Lucky Strike manufacturing plant.
And believe me, smoking enjoyment depends a lot on maintaining proper moisture content.
Too much moisture and your cigarette will burn too slow.
Too little and it will taste dry.
That's why the American Tobacco Company keeps a sharp eye on the moisture content of the
fine tobacco that goes into every Lucky during every step of its manufacture.
Here's how Robert Pendleton, who operates the instrument you just saw, tests for moisture
after the tobacco has been shredded.
He pushes a container of tobacco under the specially designed moisture meter.
The long prongs bury deep into the tobacco.
Then electric impulses show the moisture content of that tobacco on a dial.
Yes, the fine tobacco that goes into every Lucky gets a lot of expert attention all along
the line.
The moisture test is just one of the hundreds of quality controls regularly made to be sure
that you get all the better taste of Lucky's fine tobacco.
For smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste.
And the fact of the matter is Lucky's taste better, cleaner, fresher, smoother.
So be happy, go Lucky.
Thanks, it's okay.
Next.
You're next, sir.
Where's the other barber, the tall fellow?
He just went out to lunch, sir.
Anything I can do?
Well, he, uh, I don't know.
You see, he gave me a haircut and he left it a little bit too long in the back.
That's okay.
Sit down, sir.
Thank you.
You're not going to get in charge for this, are you?
No, no, of course not.
By the way, when did the other barber cut your hair?
About four weeks ago.
Okay, Mr. Dunnian.
Oh, you know who I am?
Now, yes.
Gee, these Hollywood columnists are really wonderful.
You can't make a move without them knowing about it.
Listen to this.
Tyrone Power is winding up another picture in Italy.
Errol Flynn is leaving with camera crew for Australia.
Jack Benny is in Beverly Hills getting a haircut.
Gregory Rathod, director, has completed casting his new production.
This picture will star Irene Dunn and Vincent Price.
Gosh, I'd like to make a picture with Irene Dunn sometime.
That's funny.
When I was having lunch with Gregory Rathod the other day in the Brown Derby, he didn't even mention it.
And we're such good friends, too.
I can't understand why he didn't ask me to play the part instead of Vincent Price.
Hello? Yes, this is Gregory Rathod.
Oh, hello, Vincent. Hello, how are you?
Yeah, yeah, we're rehearsing tonight. Yeah, at Irene Dunn's house.
That's right, Vincent. See you there. Bye.
Yes? Mr. Jack Benny's here to see you.
Jack Benny? I don't remember having an appointment for him today.
What does he want? Perhaps you're to have lunch with him.
Oh, no, that I'll never do again.
You know, last week we had lunch together at Brown Derby, and the most embarrassing thing has happened.
There was some food left after lunch, and Jack Benny called the waiter and asked him for a paper bag to take the food back home to his dog.
Well, Mr. Rathod, lots of people take food home to their dogs.
Noodle soup?
Mr. Benny, Mr. Rathod will see you now.
Hello, Jackie. Hello, Gregory. How are you?
Well, sit down, my boy, sit down. Thank you, thank you.
Well, to what do I owe this extreme pleasure?
Well, Gregory, I know you're a very busy man, so I won't take up much of your time, but I have some wonderful news for you.
Yeah? What is it?
Well, this morning I got a haircut.
Well, congratulations.
That's not me. See, while I was sitting in the barber chair, I read in the paper that you're going to make a picture with Irene Dunn and Vincent Price.
That's right, Jackie, and it's going to be wonderful. I consider myself very fortunate with this casting.
Well, what is this you wanted to talk to me about?
Well, Gregory, I was just wondering if you'd like to use me instead of Vincent Price.
Now, Gregory, getting back to the picture, of course, I don't want you to think this is anything personal, but I feel that I would do a much better job for you than Vincent Price.
Look here, Jack, you don't mind if I ask you something?
No, no, no.
Didn't you do personal appearances last spring?
Yes, yes, I did.
And didn't you go on an extensive tour of one-night stands last summer?
That's right, that's right.
Now, if I remember correctly, you've been on the radio for about 20 years?
20 years on the radio, yes.
And now you have your own television show.
My own television show, that's right.
Well, let somebody else make a buck, will you?
Gregory, that's not the point. It's a matter of proper casting.
Now, does Miss Dunn know that you have Vincent Price?
She beat him.
Oh.
Well, Gregory, you being the director, don't you think it would be better?
No.
Look, Gregory, you see, it's all right to be artistic, you know, but you have to be practical about these things.
Now, if you give me the job, I can save you money.
You can?
You see, not only am I a great actor, you see, but when you score the picture, I can sit in the orchestra because I also play the violin.
So, by my taking two jobs at the same salary, I'll be beating Vincent Price.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
The chair turned over.
How did that happen?
I don't know. Only my stomach did the same thing.
Now, look here, Jack.
Yeah.
There's nothing personal against you, but Mr. Price is engaged for the role and that settles it.
Well, it doesn't settle it with me, Mr. Ratthof.
I'm going to call Miss Dunn and take the matter up with her directly.
I wish you would.
Thank you.
Goodbye, Mr. Ratthof.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Irene Dunn, Crestview 5, 4124.
Crestview 5, 4124.
What number were you dialing?
Crestview 5, 4124.
I'm sorry. Crestview 5, 4124 has been changed to Bradshaw 2, 2199.
Oh.
Bradshaw 2, 2199.
What number were you dialing?
Bradshaw 2, 2199.
I'm sorry, but Bradshaw 2, 2199 has been changed to Sycamore 2, 802.
Sycamore 2, 802.
What number were you dialing?
Sycamore 2, 8002.
Sycamore 2, 8002 has just been changed back to Crestview 5, 4124.
Look, well operator, that's the number I called you.
Just a moment, I'll be back.
Hello.
I'd like to speak to Miss Irene Dunn, please.
This is Miss Dunn speaking.
Irene, this is Jack Bennett.
Oh, hello, Jack. It's nice to hear your voice.
The last time you called me was in 1943.
1943?
Yes, don't you remember?
You wanted me to play opposite you in The Horn Blows at Midnight.
Oh, yes.
Jack, did they ever make that picture?
Well, of course they made the picture.
And it had great resonance, too.
They played eight weeks at Lowe's Belgian Congo,
Warner's Pakistan,
and 16 weeks at Grauman's Chinese.
The original one, you know, at Quang Chau Phu.
The reason I called you is, you see,
Gregory Rathod just talked to me about the picture that you're going to make.
Talked to you?
Uh-huh, and although he was rather subtle about it,
he suggested that I play the part of your husband.
But I thought Vincent Price was set for that part.
Well, he was scheduled to, but if you want me,
all you have to do is speak up.
Irene, I said all you have to do is speak up.
Irene, Irene.
Hello? Hello?
Joe's Fish Market.
Sadie the scaler speaking.
It is true.
I've been out with Sadie and I know her voice.
Blackstone 3962.
That number has been changed to Webster 090.
Out of here. Get off the line.
I will if you'll deposit 10 cents for an additional three minutes.
Already?
Gee, it doesn't seem like we've been talking three minutes, does it, Irene?
You ought to be on this end.
You ought to be in the middle.
Please deposit 10 cents and I will.
Oh, all right.
There.
Now, Irene, Irene, to get to the point, when do you start rehearsing?
Well, tonight at my house, but I don't think you ought to.
At your house? What time?
Eight o'clock, but really, Jack, I don't think you ought to.
Eight o'clock, huh? Well, I'll be there, Irene.
I'll tell you what, I'll read the part and Vincent Price will read the part
and may the best man win.
I certainly hope so.
Oh, Irene, should I come for dinner?
Irene?
Oh, Irene.
Operator, operator.
Hmm.
I've got a minute left and nobody will talk to me.
I'll leave the house early so I can go over the script.
While Jack is on his way to Miss Dunn's home, I'd like a word with you about Lucky Strike.
As you know, friends, your enjoyment of a cigarette depends on its taste
and Luckies taste better.
Here's why. Luckies are made better to taste better.
They're made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly.
And L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco.
So for all the deep down smoking enjoyment you want from your cigarette, be happy.
Go lucky.
Next time, ask for a carton of better tasting Lucky Strike.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, we take you to the home of Miss Irene Dunn.
Good evening, Mr. Price.
Hello, Gordon.
Make yourself comfortable, sir. Miss Dunn will be down in a few moments.
Thank you.
May I mix you a drink?
No, thank you.
Yes, sir?
I'm Jack Benny. Miss Dunn is expecting me.
Won't you come in?
Thank you.
May I take your coat, sir?
Oh, yes, yes.
And your hat.
Oh, oh.
Well, Mr. Vincent Price.
I'm Jack Benny, star of stage screen, radio and television.
How do you do?
So the two rivals meet, eh?
Rivals? What do you mean?
Well, I guess I should have let Irene tell you, but it looks as though I'm going to take your place in this picture.
You're taking my place?
Oh, that's ridiculous, old boy.
Oh, no, it isn't.
You see, at rehearsal tonight, you and I are both going to read the parts, and the best man will win.
The best man?
Yeah.
Mr. Benny, when two people are involved in a statement, the comparative is used.
You don't say the best man will win. You say the better man will win.
Oh.
But when three or more people are involved, then the word best is the correct adjective.
I see.
So before we compete for this part, Mr. Benny, it might be well if you first learn to speak English.
Well, for your information, Mr. Price, I went to Waukegan High School and excelled in English.
I got 99 every single term.
Well, ain't that ginger peachy?
Now, cut that out!
Of all the sore losers, you certainly take the cake.
Hello, Gordon.
How do you do, Mr. Adler?
Hello, Weems.
Oh, hello, Gregory.
Well, hello, Gregory.
What are you doing here?
Well, I just thought I'd come by.
Gregory, I don't know what this is all about, and I demand an explanation.
Am I or am I not appearing opposite Miss Dunn?
Well, of course you are.
Well, then what is this schlemiel talking about?
Schlemiel?
Yes, S-H-L-E-M.
I know how to spell it.
I didn't get 99 in English for nothing.
Good evening, everybody.
Oh, hello.
Hello, Eddie.
Gregory, Vincent.
Hello.
Well, everybody's here, I guess.
Yes, everybody.
Some coffee, Gregory?
No, thank you, Irene.
Vincent?
Yes, please.
I'll have a cup.
Mr. Price.
Thank you.
Mr. Benny.
Thank you.
Yes, sir.
Mmm.
Gee, Irene, this is the better coffee I ever tasted.
The word is best.
There are only two of us drinking it.
A comparative.
Well, let's get on with the contest, shall we?
I mean, the rehearsal.
Gordon, take this tray, please.
Gregory, before we begin this rehearsal, let's settle one thing for Mr. Benny's benefit.
Is he or is he not replacing me in this picture?
Certainly not.
This is ridiculous.
Of course it's ridiculous.
I think it's absurd.
You keep quiet.
Let's take out the dishes like Miss Dunn told you.
All right, all right.
Now, let's get on with the rehearsal.
Look here, Jack.
If you insist on staying, just keep quiet and sit down over here.
All right.
Now, look here, Irene, honey child.
We will start with the scene that takes place in the drawing room.
Oh, Irene, is it all right if I have some of these wallets here?
Oh, help yourself, Jack.
Yes, it's big.
As I said, we will start with the scene that takes place in the drawing room.
That was a tough one.
Look, Irene, in this scene, your husband is late for dinner for two hours.
Jack, will you please stop hitting me, huh?
Well, Irene said I could.
Anyway, I don't want to sit here like a bump on a log.
If I can't play the leading role, isn't there something I can do?
All right, you can play the butler.
The butler?
Yeah, here is the script.
We start on page 12.
All right.
Look, Irene, you are the wife, and Vincent is the husband that doesn't understand.
And Jack, I'm the butler whom Irene really loves.
You're the butler, that's all.
And please stop rewriting the script.
Irene is not in love with you.
Irene is in love with Vincent, and you're just the butler, that's all.
Don't shout at me.
I'm old enough to be your brother.
Vincent, would you please make your entrance from there?
Irene, honey, look, he's late for dinner for two hours.
You're very nervous, so will you please stop from here?
Where should I go?
Oh, go any place.
Somebody called the butler.
All right.
Oh, Smedley, Smedley.
Smedley.
What is it, madame?
Are you sure my husband hasn't phoned?
I'm quite sure, madame.
Shall I serve dinner?
No, I'm much too upset to eat.
I've been under such tension these last few weeks.
Oh, why does my husband treat me like this?
Why does he act so...
Hey, Vincent, Vincent, that's why you're making your entrance.
Okay.
Oh, good evening, darling.
Sorry I'm so late.
Oh, Michael, you're always late and you're always sorry.
It's been like this for months.
What's come between us?
Nothing, my dear.
It's just that I've been so busy lately at the office.
Now, let's forget about it.
Come here and give me a little kiss.
Dinner is served.
I came in too soon here.
I'm sorry.
If you don't come in for a few minutes more, will you please sit down?
And see me, darling, have a good evening.
Michael, I just can't kiss you and forget it.
This can't go on forever.
Every night it's the same argument.
Constant nagging, nagging, nagging.
I tell you I've been working at the office.
But I telephoned your office.
They said you left it too this afternoon.
Well, I had business at the bank.
Michael, you were not at the bank and you know it.
Oh, right, so I wasn't.
Must I explain my every move to you?
There's a worm in this one.
Look at the way it wiggles.
Will you please stop interrupting and please get away from the thoughts.
I'm sorry, darling.
Please continue.
Oh, it's no use, Michael.
I know you're lying.
Look at you.
Everything you say, everything you do gives you away.
Well, you can keep on talking.
I'm going to have dinner.
But Michael, I must know, do you love me or not?
Of course I love you.
You're lying.
You know that I am lying.
You might as well know the truth, my dear.
I've never loved you, never.
Michael!
If you weren't so stupid, you would have known it long ago.
What are you saying?
I married you for your money, that's all.
No, Michael, stop!
Everybody else has known it.
If you weren't such a blind little fool, I would have realized it yourself.
And the sooner you divorce me, the happier I will be.
No, Michael, no, no, I'll never divorce you.
Tears, tears.
I couldn't live without you.
Stop being dramatic.
I'm leaving.
Michael.
I'm going to my club.
Smedley, pack my clothes.
I wouldn't touch your dirty clothes.
You flamil?
John, it isn't in the script.
Oh, I can't help it.
He made Irene cry.
Well, he's supposed to make me cry.
It's in the story.
Well, if that's the kind of a picture it is, I don't even want to be in it.
Who asked you to be in it?
Irene did.
I did not.
Well, somebody did, I'm here.
Look here, Irene.
I've never directed before under such aggravating circumstances,
and I'll never direct under such aggravating circumstances again.
I'm quitting.
Now do you see what you've done, you blunderhead?
Well, there's no need for everybody to get excited.
Look, I'll tell you what, Vincent, or may I call you Vince?
You may call me Mr. Price.
Oh, look, Mr. Price, look, there's nothing to worry about now,
because you see, I can direct the picture.
Oh, so now you're going to do it.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Irene, but I've had enough of this too.
I'm leaving.
Well, he's gone.
Yes, Jack, and I hope you're satisfied.
Oh, I am, I am.
Of course, I didn't want to get Vincent's part by default.
I thought Irene was very, very clever the way you maneuvered it.
The way I see it.
Why, you, you, um...
Schlemiel?
Yes, that's it.
I quit too.
Well, I've never been so insulted in all my life.
Gordon, I have a coat.
I wouldn't touch your dirty clothes.
You might as well go home.
Jack, we'll be back in just a moment, but first...
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Be happy, go lucky for Christmas gifts this year.
Thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
For those of you who tuned in late,
I'd just like to announce that this was not the Robert Montgomery Theater.
But I did enjoy doing this television show very, very much,
because this is the first time that I've ever worked with Irene Dunn.
It's also the first time that I've been able to understand Gregory Rattoff.
He sounds like a Russian Marlon Brando.
Of course, like the Robert Montgomery Theater,
I wanted to bring these movie stars out here just to take a bow
and ask them what their future plans were.
But they told me it was none of my business.
And Vincent Price, too.
You know, I think he's a fine actor and everything,
but, and, you know, I'm not jealous of his talent.
I don't know why he's so stuck up.
You know, I saw him at a party the other night at Ronald Coleman's house,
and I waved at him and I whistled at him and hollered at him and everything.
He wouldn't even turn around.
So I just closed my window and went to bed.
Well, anyway, so much for the show.
And oh, oh, before I forget, I was asked to make an announcement.
I want to welcome a new television station that opened this morning in Las Vegas,
a CBS station in Las Vegas.
So welcome KF...
Huh?
What?
Oh, oh.
I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, they've just lost it.
Thanks again very, very much. See you in about three weeks.
Thank you.
Appearing on tonight's program were Rex Evans,
Ralph Sedan, Lee Benaderyth, and Lois Kimbrell.
Remember, one week from tonight on this same station,
charming, disarming Ann Southern returns in her famous role
as a not-too-private private secretary.
You'll love watching Ann's hilarious adventures and misadventures.
Tonight's Jack Benny program has been a film presentation brought to you by Lucky Strike,
product of the American Tobacco Company,
America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.
This is Don Wilson saying, be happy, go lucky.
This is the CBS Television Network.