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Ladies and gentlemen, if any of you are ever in the neighborhood of West Los Angeles, California,
and you are looking for a punch in the nose, drop in at 1313 Blueview Terrace,
and say to Chester A. Riley, bonjour monsieur.
You'll get what you're looking for.
Riley by nature is a tolerant man, judging all men by their deeds,
not by their native language or creed.
But lately he has developed a strong dislike for the French language in general,
and a certain monsieur Andre Lafayette in particular.
It all began a few weeks ago when Riley made a startling discovery that caused him to take immediate action.
Hank! Hank, come here quick!
What is it?
Hello, dear. What are you yelling about?
I got good reason to yell. Just look at this letter.
Oh, it's in French!
So that's what it is. I found it on the table. It's for Babs.
Somebody's writing her in French.
Riley, you've got no right opening your daughter's mail.
I did not open it. It was already open.
This time she saved me the trouble.
I don't care. You've got no right reading other people's personal mail.
Well, everybody's always reading my personal mail.
You all know exactly how much I owe the gas company.
Well, you better put that letter away because Babs will be home pretty soon,
and if she sees you've been reading her personal mail...
Hank, this is no time for etiquette. Just listen to what this letter says.
Marche Madame Oizelle.
What do you think of that?
I think I know why you flunked French at Brooklyn High.
Merci pours vos jollies fleurs.
Did you hear that?
Acetate tres amable avous.
Sincerement, Fatrie Andrie Lafayette.
What nerve. I'll punch him in the nose. I'll break him into...
Riley, you know what this letter says.
No, but I don't like it.
And when I get a hold of this Lafayette guy, I'll...
How do you say fracture in French?
Listen, this letter's perfectly harmless. I'll translate it for you.
Since when do you know French?
Oh, I studied it in school, you know, and then I worked on that French boat one summer as a waitress.
Let's see, young man.
Marche Mademoiselle. My dear miss.
Merci...
Mercy? Mercy nothing. I'm gonna...
How do you say mobilize him in French?
Quiet. Mercy means thank you.
Pour vos jolies fleurs. For your lovely flowers.
It was very charming of you.
Sincerement, votre mate Andrie Lafayette.
Sincerely, Andrie Lafayette.
You see? Nothing to it.
Why is Babs sending a strange man flowers?
He's her French teacher. It says so right here.
Votre mate.
Aha. He's not a French teacher. He's a mate.
Peg Babs is too young to have a mate.
Listen, mate means teacher in French. Master.
Now you satisfied?
Why is she sending her teacher flowers?
One day I had to cut a lot of sweet peas and she said she wanted to send some flowers to her French teacher at school.
What's the harm anyway?
I don't know yet.
But before I'm through, there'll be plenty of harm.
I'm checking up on this.
Hello, Junior.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Pop.
Junior, I want to see you.
What's up?
Sit down.
What did I do?
Now you don't have to get scared just because I asked you to sit down.
I want to grill you, that's all.
What?
Please, Peg.
Junior, what do you know about a guy named Andrie Lafayette?
Now come clean.
Lafayette?
Oh, Lafayette. He's the French teacher at Babs' school.
Aha. He's a French teacher.
Atta boy, Sherlock.
All right, Junior. Spill it.
Does Babs like this guy?
Does she?
Oh, she's goony over him.
What did I tell you, Peg?
I suppose she is. So what?
Why didn't you report this to me before?
Well, I just didn't.
What do you think I'm paying you ten cents a week for, to spy on Babs?
I want reports.
Just all right.
Do you mean to tell me you pay Junior to spy on Babs?
Now don't get excited, Peg.
Do you?
Well, a father's got to know what's going on.
I'm away at work all day.
I never heard of such a thing, spying on Babs.
Who you got spying on, Junior?
Babs.
Of all the fantastic...
I suppose the next thing you'll hire somebody to spy on me.
No, I won't. I'll attend to that myself.
Oh, you...
Now don't get excited, Peg. Don't change the subject.
We're talking about spying on Babs.
Hey, there's Babs now, across the street.
Look out. Let me see.
Well, I'm glad to see that she's with some nice young fella instead of that old teacher.
Get away from that window. It doesn't look good.
Hey, Pop.
That is her teacher.
That's Monsieur Lafayette.
You mean that nice young good-looking fella is her teacher?
Uh-huh.
All the girls at school think he looks like Errol Flynn.
Out of the way.
Mmm.
Mmm-hmm.
I'm having that window taken out.
What does that mmm mean in English?
He is quite young-looking.
Peg, this is getting more serious than we thought.
First flowers and now he's walking her home.
Oh, I'm sure it's quite harmless.
Now, you calm down. She'll be here in a minute.
I'll give her a good talking to. I'll tell her good and plenty.
You do nothing of the sort.
Yes, I will. I'm going to personally okay any man my daughter goes with.
My father let me decide who I wanted to go around with.
Yes, and he's sorry to this day.
Oh, Mother.
Oh, Daddy.
Oh, what a lovely day this is.
She's punch drunk.
Hello, Mother.
Hello, Daddy.
Young lady, what's going on between you and this Frenchman?
What?
Sit down.
And don't try to make out that I don't know what I'm talking about
because I was just spying on you through that window.
Spying? Mother, did you hear?
Yes, dear. It's a new method for raising children your father's invented.
What about this guy?
Professor Lafayette is not a guy.
He's the most cultured man I ever met.
Why, he was a student at Sorbonne University.
You've got enough trouble fighting off them students at Westwood High School.
Look, dear, it isn't that your father and I want a medal,
but don't you think that you're showing a little too much attention into this, Mr. Lafayette?
I assure you, Mother, my interest in Professor Lafayette is purely platonic.
Platonic?
Ours is simply an intellectual relationship.
Fine. There, you see, Ronnie, there's nothing to worry about.
Lafayette is a man, isn't he?
He's alive, isn't he?
There's plenty to worry about.
Oh, Daddy.
Now, I don't want you having anything to do with this guy.
No more outside of classes.
But he's having dinner with us tomorrow.
He is not. We're not going anywhere with him.
Tell him to save his money.
I invited him here.
He's coming here.
He certainly is saving his money.
I won't stand for it.
Babs, don't you think you should have asked me?
Oh, I was going to tell you, Mother, but I didn't ask him until just before.
Well, he's not stepping a foot inside of this house.
That's final, finished, and complete.
I know exactly what to say.
I'll wait for just the right opening.
And I'll say to him, Monsieur Lafayette,
don't you think it's impossible for real love where there's a big difference between ages?
And then you say...
But this is impossible.
She isn't in love with a professor.
I ain't taking any chances.
Don't forget, you weren't in love with me years ago when we were going around together.
But here you are, stuck.
So remember, no matter what I say, you agree to it.
All right.
I'll agree with you, but please don't embarrass the poor kid.
He's only 16, remember?
Here he is.
Mother, he's here.
Daddy, put your coat on.
Yeah.
Mother, is my hair all right?
Is my... my dress all right?
Behind you, is my hair all right?
Is my dress all right?
My hair all right. Is my girdle on straight?
Who do you think is coming, Lea de Rocher?
Daddy, not so loud, he'll hear you.
Let him in already.
Oh, good evening, Monsieur.
Ah, bonsoir, mademoiselle Riley.
Enchanté de vous voir.
Oh.
Peg, look, he's kissing her hand.
Shh.
Just a French custom.
Oh, Monsieur.
Please.
Monsieur Lafayette, I... I just need to know my...
Do not tell me.
This could only be your sister.
The image of you.
Oh, no, I'm... I'm Dad's mother.
And we can prove it.
Oh, no, no, such a young and charming mother.
Enchanté, madame.
Monsieur.
Uh, this is my father.
How do you do, Monsieur?
I'm fine.
No kiss on the hand.
Your father, he is delightfully amusing, no?
Yeah.
Now,
you have a most charming little home here.
These California bungalows are so cozy.
I love them.
Uh, speaking of love, Professor, don't you think that...
Riley, dinner is served.
Don't you have to be drunk to hold up the Montparnasse?
Well, let's be comfortable.
Sit down, won't you?
Thank you.
Ah, madame Riley,
you are a sublime cook.
Oh, Monsieur.
Uh, excuse me.
Please sit down, Monsieur Riley.
Thank you.
As I was saying, madame Riley,
the cuisine, c'est magnifique.
Oh, thank you, Professor.
Did you really enjoy the pot roast?
Oh, did I enjoy?
Oh, I love Yankee pot roast.
Uh, speaking of love, Professor, don't you think...
That's his mother's special recipe for potato au gratin.
Oh, the pomme de terre.
Oh, I hate so much.
But then I love potatoes.
Uh, speaking of love, Professor, don't you think that when...
I made the coleslaw, Monsieur.
You, Miss Riley?
You have made the coleslaw?
Uh, speaking of coleslaw, Professor,
don't you think that it's impossible for real love
when there's a big difference between ages?
Frankly, no.
Amour, she knows no boundaries.
Neither age nor nationality.
It is what is in the heart that counts.
Oh, I don't know about that.
What do you think, Peg?
Oh, I agree.
You see, she agrees.
I agree with the Professor.
We've been married for 17 years.
What does she know about love?
As a matter of fact, only the other day,
I was reading about a case in Tennessee
where a man 90 years old got married
and the girl was only 15.
Oh, but that often happens.
May, a marriage, December.
Yeah, but wouldn't it be better if May married Morris,
her own age?
After all, he's 90, six times her age.
When she's 30, he'll be...
180.
Oh, Daddy.
She'll want to go out dancing,
but he'll want to stay home with the children.
So what happens?
After one fine day, she elopes with a kid half his age.
Oh, Daddy, a man 180?
It's impossible.
Not in Tennessee, it isn't.
But the Professor gets what I'm driving at, don't he?
Oui.
Oui?
Fine.
Madame, as we say in French,
votre château est très charmant.
Oh, you like the house.
Merci beaucoup.
Vous parlez le français?
Un peu. Je étudie à l'école.
Mais vous parlez très bien.
Je travaille sur un navire français dans mes vacances
quand je suis un jeune fille.
Madame Riley, she speaks French very well.
Well, a little, but I've forgotten most of it.
Oh, you must take lessons.
Within a few months, you will speak fluently.
Oh, lessons at my age?
Mother, Mr. Lafayette tutors privately.
Maybe he could give you lessons.
Well, I think I could find time for just one more pupil.
Oh, could you? I'd love to take French lessons.
We can't afford it.
I'm the only one in the family that's working.
That's right.
We really can't afford it.
That is a pity.
Yeah, ain't it?
But, well, you have been so hospitable.
Perhaps I could exchange the lessons for the dinner.
Oh, we couldn't expect you to trade those valuable lessons
just for some free eats.
Could we, Peg?
No, of course not.
Oh, but why not?
Every night I must eat in the café.
It costs me one, two dollars.
I charge for the lessons, two dollars.
So, I come here twice a week.
I give the lessons, and I have the excellent dinner.
Voilà, just a minute.
Oh, that's a wonderful idea, monsieur.
Oh, I think that's a very deranged idea,
that M. Lafayette doesn't mind.
Oh, why should I mind?
Just a minute. We're going too fast.
What's the matter, daddy? Don't you get it?
I get it, all right.
I'm getting it good, and I don't like it.
But, dear, just the other day you said a woman
should have other interests besides housework.
Yeah, but, Peg...
It's all settled, then.
You'll come to dinner tomorrow night, M. Lafayette.
Okay, monsieur Raleigh.
Please, dear, huh?
Okay, monsieur.
But I'm warning you.
When you're giving my young and charming wife
these valuable French lessons,
just remember one thing.
Lafayette, I am here.
Monsieur Raleigh, il n'est pas ici. Pourquoi?
Oh, daddy will be home any minute.
I thought we ought to eat or the food would spoil.
Ah, ah, ah. Parlez français.
Ah, oui.
Ce soir, on parle seulement français. Entendu?
Tonight, we speak only in French. Oui?
Oui. Bon.
Ah, commencez.
Bon.
Lafayette, I'm home.
The locust is back eating the crops.
Comment ça va, mon père?
What?
Bonsoir, papa. Bonsoir.
Bonsoir, monsieur. Vous êtes arrivé de bonheur.
I ain't got a family anymore.
This is the Foreign Legion.
Oh, but dear, this is a new system
M. Lafayette's trying out.
On the night that he's here,
he wants me to speak only in French.
I won't stand for it.
It's bad enough you're talking French, Peg.
Now the kids are talking it.
What's wrong with that, daddy?
All right, Peg, have it your own way.
But I'm warning you, I got my pay this afternoon,
and if you want any of it,
you better ask for it in English,
or else I'll pay you off in French.
Oh, daddy, you're a scream.
What are you laughing at?
This is all your fault.
Monsieur Raleigh, comment allez-vous?
I am not going into the alley.
I'm staying right here.
Let's eat. Bon.
Bon for you, meat for me.
Dear, that's your favorite salad.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Ce soir, on parle seulement français.
Entendu?
Oui.
Pass the pepper.
Alors, dites-moi, madame,
qu'est-ce que vous avez fait aujourd'hui?
Aujourd'hui, je me suis levée de bonne heure.
Would you please pass the pepper?
Et après, je suis allée au bon marché.
Et qu'est-ce que vous avez acheté là?
Je l'ai acheté des légumes, des beurres,
des pommes de terre, des salades.
Polizei, passez de pepore.
Which one do you want, the Times or the News?
Not the paper, the pepore.
I'm talking French.
Oh, daddy.
That settles it.
I don't have to stay here and be laughed at in my own house.
Oh, Raleigh, where are you going?
I'm getting out of here.
I'm going to eat over in Lum Fung's Ming Toy Gardens,
where everybody's a 100% American.
Bon sour.
Oh, Raleigh, please sit down.
No.
What a revolting development this is.
That Monsieur Lafayette.
I wish I could think of some good way to ship him back to France.
I know a very cheap way.
Believe me.
Who's that?
It is I, Digby O'Dell, the friendly undertaker.
Hello, Digger.
What are you doing here in the park?
Well, I was just taking a stroll around the pond.
I enjoy listening to the frogs croak.
But why are you here, all alone, separated from your dear one?
I got troubles, Digger.
Do you speak French?
No, only Latin and Greek.
I prefer the dead languages.
What's plaguing you, dear chum?
Ah, there's some French guy comes to my house and gives Peg French lessons.
He comes twice a week.
I hate Frenchmen.
Oh, you must be tolerant of all nationalities, Raleigh.
Now, take me.
Frenchmen, Swedes, Italians, Americans.
I make no distinction.
I put everybody on the same level.
Yeah, but I think Peg's got a crush on him.
You know, these foreigners have a way with women.
Oh, yes, I know just what you mean.
Once my wife had a crush on a crafty young Arab, Harry Ben Massa.
But I put an end to that.
What happened?
Massa's in the cold, cold ground.
Wish I could think of some way to take care of that Lafayette.
You must flatly forbid him to come to the house.
Tell him you've had enough of his gallant charm.
You're right.
I'm going to tell him off.
I'm going to put him in his place.
And if you fail, come to me.
I know just the place to put him.
The next time he comes will be the last time.
Be tactful, but firm.
I know just what to do.
I'll stand right near the door.
And when he knocks, I'll open it, grab him by the seat of the pants,
and say, aurevoir, monsieur.
Bully?
What does that mean?
That means goodbye in French.
Then I have a suggestion.
Why not confront him and say, digger o'dell?
Digger o'dell?
Goodbye in any language.
Well, Junior, I'd better be shoveling off.
Now that's what I want you to do.
Now, have you got it straight?
Yeah. I watch out the window.
When the professor shows up, I open the door quick so he doesn't ring the bell.
That's it.
And don't tell your mother he's here until I finish my business with him.
What's up, Pop?
Well, Junior, you'll understand this better when you're a married man.
See, people say that we're civilized.
But we still have to live by the law of the jungle,
where every beast protects his own nest.
Now, you may look on me as your father,
but underneath, I'm really a beast.
Hey, Pop, here he comes now.
Good. He's here early.
I'll open the door for him myself.
Now, you watch this.
It'll be good experience for you.
Come in, Professor.
Ah, bonsoir, Monsieur Riley.
Madame, she is home?
No.
And keep your voice down. I got a headache.
Oh, I am so sorry.
But she listened to Madame.
There ain't gonna be no lessons. You're through.
But I do not understand.
Perhaps you are not satisfied.
We are not making enough progress.
We're making enough progress, all right.
We're making too much progress.
But what is wrong?
I'm sick of you and your fancy French ways.
Oh, but, Monsieur.
I've seen you operate, coming in here, gobbling up the free eats,
and munching on my wife's fingers for dessert.
Oh, but that is merely a continental custom.
In Paris, we...
Don't tell me anything about Paris.
I know all about Paris.
I had some friends of mine in the army over there.
I was overage.
But some of the things they wrote me, I almost enlisted myself.
Oh, just a minute, young...
I'm wise to you, you and your golly charm,
sneaking into happy families and trying to break them up.
My wife don't want no part of you, and I don't want no part of you.
You have the nerve.
You dare accuse me of...
I'm not accusing you, I'm telling you.
Now beat it.
Don't push me. Don't push me.
Well, tell me not to push you.
I'll punch you in your pretty face, and I'm the boy that can do it.
You're a fat-ass mustache.
Junior, whose side are you on?
I...
Wait a minute.
Somebody said...
You said your father's mustache.
You speak perfect English.
I was just speaking...
I was just using the American idiom.
I might be an American idiot, but I know Brooklyn when I hear it.
Okay, Mac.
You win.
But please, this is confidential.
I wasn't born in France.
I just studied there.
I'm from Brooklyn.
My real name is Andy Lafferty.
Andy Lafferty?
Ha! Andy Lafferty!
You mean that you're not a French...
That you're from Brooklyn?
Andy Lafferty?
Hey, Peg! Peg, come here quick!
What's going on here?
Ah, bonsoir, monsieur!
Yeah, bonsoir, monsieur!
Daddy, what's the big joke?
I'll tell you what the j...
I'll show you what the joke is.
Go ahead, monsieur.
Say those three little words.
What words?
Go ahead.
Or I'll tell the school board.
What words did you say, monsieur?
I a fat-ass mustache.
Monsieur!
You speak just like Raleigh.
Now he's got as much charm as I got.
What a revolting development this is!
Oui, oui!
Well, I guess I'd better scram.
Wait a minute, Andy! Not on your life!
You're staying right here and having dinner with us.
And don't worry about your secret.
We'll keep it strictly confidential.
And you can have dinner here any time you want.
Yeah, but I... but I thought...
You said...
Don't worry about that, Andy.
That was before, when I thought you were a Frenchman.
But now that I know you're a phony from Brooklyn,
we're pals for life!
C'est vrai, de grève!
Dinner's on the table, Raleigh.
Ah!
Ha, ha, ha!
Say, you know something, Andy?
I might take some of those French lessons myself.
I don't mean to talk the language only.
You know, some of those customs,
like bowing and nibbling on the lady fingers.
Oh, Raleigh, I can see you!
I can do it just as good as Andy, I bet.
Here, give me a pour. I'll show you.
Oh, Raleigh, stop it!
Ow! You bit me!
Oh, excusez-moi, madame!
Or as we say in French, pardon me, babe.
Ha, ha, ha!