WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:21.840 It's the Martin & Lewis Show! 00:21.840 --> 00:25.740 The National Broadcasting Company brings you Transcribe, the new Martin & Lewis Show. 00:25.740 --> 00:30.480 Our guest tonight, Bob Holt, and featuring Flo McMichael, Mike Roy, the Martin Gales, 00:30.480 --> 00:48.680 Dick Stabilandi's Orchestra, and starring Dean Martin, and Jerry Lewis. 00:48.680 --> 01:07.280 Jerry, I'm the singer on the show and you're the comedian. Remember that? So stay in your place, will you? 01:07.280 --> 01:12.080 What do you want to stop pushing me around for? The show is only even started and you're already trying to be the big man. 01:12.080 --> 01:16.680 Go ahead, kick me. Step on me. Wipe your feet on me. You're always poking fun at me. 01:16.680 --> 01:20.280 Oh Jerry, stop. I don't poke any fun at you. Think of all the times I've defended you. 01:20.280 --> 01:23.680 You defended me? Of course, many times. You're so ungrateful. 01:23.680 --> 01:32.680 Ungrateful? What did you ever do for me? Give me a for-instance, I'll rat it through ya. 01:32.680 --> 01:40.280 Bad enough, I found out tonight that 70-30 isn't an even split. Let's get back to that 60-40. What do you say? 01:40.280 --> 01:46.280 Okay, sure Jerry. Whatever you say, pal. If you want 60-40, you get it. Now, is it alright if I go ahead and sing a song? 01:46.280 --> 01:53.280 Do you mind if they give me the 60-40? No, it's alright. It's like this, you say, then not even a word. 01:53.280 --> 02:20.280 Go ahead, sing three, four notes. 02:23.280 --> 02:37.280 No one here can love and understand me. All the hard luck stories, they all hand me. 02:37.280 --> 02:50.280 So make the bed, honey, like a lie. I'm coming home late tonight. Blackbird, bye-bye. 02:50.280 --> 03:05.280 No one here can love or understand me. All the hard luck stories, they all hand me. 03:05.280 --> 03:34.280 So make the bed, like a lie. I'm coming home late tonight. Blackbird, bye-bye. 03:34.280 --> 03:40.280 As you know, ladies and gentlemen, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are two young men who overnight have become the nation's comedy hit. 03:40.280 --> 03:45.280 And they're still rather dazed by it all. Now we take you back a few hours to this afternoon. 03:45.280 --> 03:51.280 We find the boys in their apartment getting ready, somewhat nervously, to go to NBC for their first radio show. 03:51.280 --> 03:56.280 Well, Jerry, this is our big day. We're actually going to do our first broadcast on NBC. Isn't that wonderful? 03:56.280 --> 04:00.280 Yes, wonderful, Dean. 04:00.280 --> 04:06.280 Well, what's the matter? Aren't you happy about it? Happy? Oh, sure. 04:06.280 --> 04:12.280 Oh, buck up, Jerry. It's our big chance. Yeah, the opportunity of a lifetime, the greatest moment of our lives. 04:12.280 --> 04:21.280 We go down to NBC, we walk out on the stage and face all those people. And Dean? Yeah? I wish I was dead. 04:21.280 --> 04:27.280 Well, it's supposed to be NBC again. What cowards we are. Why are we afraid to do our own radio show? After all, how big an aid can we lay? 04:27.280 --> 04:39.280 How big? Well, if we took a large hen and got it to hold back for two years. All right, Jerry, hold on. 04:39.280 --> 04:45.280 Oh, we've been acting like two frightened mice all day. We've got an ironclad contact to do the show. We've got to talk to NBC sometime. 04:45.280 --> 04:52.280 You're right. I'm not a frightened mouse. And shit, it's phone. Oh, come on, Jerry, you answer it. 04:52.280 --> 04:57.280 Dean Martin, I will tell you why I will not answer these phones. Indubitably, that call is from NBC. 04:57.280 --> 05:05.280 And it is indubitably they want to know where to H-E-C-K we are because they are spending thousands and thousands of dollars and money 05:05.280 --> 05:12.280 to build a sensational comedy and musical extravagance around us. And if they think we are that important, why don't they call us? 05:12.280 --> 05:19.280 Jerry, they are calling us. Who else could it be besides NBC? Who else? Well, it could be a wrong number, a quiz show. 05:19.280 --> 05:25.280 A quiz show? Hey, a quiz show. They give you money just for answering a few questions. Give me that phone. 05:25.280 --> 05:35.280 Hello, 1492, Marie Antoinette and sulfuric acid. Ship the money. 05:35.280 --> 05:39.280 Jerry, we've got to get down to NBC right away. Let's go. Dean. Yeah. I'm scared. 05:39.280 --> 05:43.280 Look, we've done all right so far. We shouldn't be afraid. We did all right in nightclubs, didn't we? 05:43.280 --> 05:54.280 Yeah, but those people pay $10 cover charge so they had to like us. But at a radio show, the audience gets in for free and at those prices, they can afford to hate us. 05:54.280 --> 06:00.280 But Jerry, this is what we dreamed about. All the things we fought for. Who knows? This could make us famous. Yeah, famous. 06:00.280 --> 06:05.280 We could even become important actors. Yeah, important actors. Our names in lights, celebrities, stars in pictures. 06:05.280 --> 06:11.280 Yeah, names in lights, celebrities, stars in pictures. I can see it all. Big hits in nightclubs. We're famous. 06:11.280 --> 06:21.280 Everybody wants us. Hal Wallace signs us for Paramount Pictures. NBC signs us for a radio show. We flop. 06:21.280 --> 06:28.280 Nobody wants us. Hal Wallace won't speak to us. Paramount hates us. We spend our savings. We can't get work. 06:28.280 --> 06:38.280 We're tramping the streets starving. We stop and press our noses against the bakery window. And Dean, I'm hungry. 06:38.280 --> 06:41.280 All right, Jerry, snap out of it. We've got to get dressed and go. 06:41.280 --> 06:47.280 Well, I'm almost ready, Dean, but gee, I start to shake all over when I think of tonight being on the same show with Bob Hope. 06:47.280 --> 06:51.280 Gee, he's a big star, Dean, and well... Ah, don't worry. We'll get through it somehow. 06:51.280 --> 06:55.280 And by the way, Jerry, when you meet Bob Hope, don't make any cracks about his nose. 06:55.280 --> 07:07.280 No cracks about his nose? No, just shake hands with it and let it go at that. 07:07.280 --> 07:11.280 Shake hands with it. Hey, that was a sterling one. 07:11.280 --> 07:15.280 Look, Dean, you're the singer and I'm the comedian, right? That's right. 07:15.280 --> 07:21.280 You're supposed to sing and I'm supposed to tell the jokes and get the laughs. And yet you just stole the joke and got a big laugh. 07:21.280 --> 07:33.280 Don't do it no more. 07:33.280 --> 07:38.280 Come on, let's go down NBC. Oh, not so fast. Now, let me take a look at you first. Stand up. 07:38.280 --> 07:40.280 Wash your hands. Yes, partner. 07:40.280 --> 07:41.280 Wash your face. Yes, sir. 07:41.280 --> 07:45.280 Behind your ears. Look, I'm just going on a broadcast. I'm not going to get married. 07:45.280 --> 07:49.280 Anyway, what about you? Did you bathe? Well, of course. I take a bath every day. 07:49.280 --> 07:53.280 You take a bath every day? Well, of course. 07:53.280 --> 07:58.280 Oh, Dean, I'm so unworthy of you. 07:58.280 --> 08:03.280 Come on, let's get out of this apartment. Who is it? 08:03.280 --> 08:08.280 It's the maid. I have to come in and clean the apartment. 08:08.280 --> 08:14.280 Okay, come on in. We're just leaving anyway. Oh, my goodness. Just look at the condition of this room. 08:14.280 --> 08:19.280 What's the matter with it? It's clean. 08:19.280 --> 08:24.280 Well, then that's a break for you. You have no work to do. I don't have any work to do. That's fine. 08:24.280 --> 08:30.280 I'm the maid and I'm supposed to clean the apartments every day. And if your apartment isn't dirty, then I don't have to clean it. 08:30.280 --> 08:33.280 And if I don't have to clean your apartment, I won't have anything to do for a half hour. 08:33.280 --> 08:37.280 So I'll go out in the hall and I'll light a cigarette and the manager will smell the smoke and he'll come up to me and he'll say, 08:37.280 --> 08:40.280 What are you doing smoking a cigarette in the hall? And I'll say, I don't have anything to do right now. 08:40.280 --> 08:43.280 And he'll say, Why don't you clean the apartments? And I'll say, I don't have to clean the apartments. 08:43.280 --> 08:55.280 And he'll say, Oh, you don't have to clean the apartments, hon. You'll get mad and fire me and all because your apartment is clean. 08:55.280 --> 09:01.280 It's people like you who cause unemployment. 09:01.280 --> 09:08.280 Miss, there's one thing I don't understand. What's that? Are you for real? 09:08.280 --> 09:13.280 Miss, we're not trying to get you fired. Do the best you can. We have to leave. So come on, Jerry. Let's go. 09:13.280 --> 09:14.280 Okay. 09:14.280 --> 09:15.280 Oh, my goodness. 09:15.280 --> 09:16.280 Now what? 09:16.280 --> 09:21.280 There's a discrepancy in the bathroom. 09:21.280 --> 09:26.280 A what? 09:26.280 --> 09:33.280 One of you has to get married. The towels say his and hers and you're a his and his. 09:33.280 --> 09:36.280 Well, okay. Okay. Look, just put in two his's and that'll fix it. 09:36.280 --> 09:40.280 Oh, it's not as simple as that. If I give you another his and I'll have an extra hers. 09:40.280 --> 09:44.280 And at the end of the week, I'll have 148 his's and 149 hers's. 09:44.280 --> 09:50.280 And the manager won't know why there's more hers's than his's because they don't have any his's and hers's. They're in the building anyway. 09:50.280 --> 09:57.280 Okay. Take all the towels out. All of them. From now on, we'll dry on newspapers. 09:57.280 --> 10:00.280 Bye. You're odd people. 10:00.280 --> 10:05.280 We ain't odd. We're entertainers. We're Martin and Lewis and we got a radio show to do in a few minutes. 10:05.280 --> 10:08.280 Oh, you're on the radio. What do you do? 10:08.280 --> 10:09.280 Well, one of us is a singer. 10:09.280 --> 10:20.280 And the other guy's the funniest comedian you ever heard. He tells big jokes, kills the people, gets big laughs, and he screams and people laugh and he's so funny. 10:20.280 --> 10:23.280 Witch is witch. 10:23.280 --> 10:36.280 Come on, Jerry. Let's go to NBC. 10:36.280 --> 10:41.280 Folks, let me ask a question. What about your future? Will it be a secure one? 10:41.280 --> 10:49.280 Well, the best way to guarantee security and happiness is to make your savings automatic and to be sure your savings are in an investment which is absolutely safe. 10:49.280 --> 10:57.280 So tomorrow, join the payroll savings plan where you work. Under this plan, a sum is set aside from each paycheck, whatever amount you decide. 10:57.280 --> 11:06.280 And as it accumulates, it is invested in United States savings bonds in your name. U.S. savings bonds, the finest, safest investment in the world today. 11:06.280 --> 11:14.280 You'll be astounded how quickly those bonds will pile up, ready to be used for an emergency. Meanwhile, they grow in value year by year. 11:14.280 --> 11:22.280 So see about the part payment payroll savings plan tomorrow. Or if you are your own boss, ask your bank about the bond a month plan. 11:22.280 --> 11:34.280 Either way is a sure way to a happy, secure future. And you'll be joining with 80 million other Americans who are already shareholders in the greatest country on earth by United States savings bonds. 11:34.280 --> 11:48.280 Well, this is NBC, Jerry. I'll park the car and you go on ahead. 11:48.280 --> 11:50.280 I'll wait for you, Dean. 11:50.280 --> 11:54.280 Oh, what are you afraid of? Buck up, Jerry. I never saw anyone so timid as you are. 11:54.280 --> 11:57.280 I can't help it, Dean. I'm so worried I got butterflies in my stomach. 11:57.280 --> 11:59.280 Now, take an aspirin. The butterflies will go away. 11:59.280 --> 12:04.280 I took an aspirin. They're playing ping pong with it. 12:04.280 --> 12:06.280 Go ahead, Jerry. I'll meet you in front of the studio. Bye. 12:06.280 --> 12:16.280 Bye. 12:16.280 --> 12:21.280 All right. Stand in line, folks, to the Martin and Lewis show. The line will move inside the studio in a few minutes. 12:21.280 --> 12:22.280 Come on, Myrtle. Let's get in line. 12:22.280 --> 12:28.280 All right, Louise. Oh, I just hope this Martin and Lewis show we're going to see is as good as ladies be seated. 12:28.280 --> 12:33.280 You know, Myrtle, they've got the cutest comedian on ladies be seated. 12:33.280 --> 12:37.280 Really? What does he do? He pulls the chairs out from under him. 12:37.280 --> 12:43.280 Oh, how ridiculous. You're always bringing me to these silly radio shows, Louise. 12:43.280 --> 12:47.280 Like that program, Life Begins at Eighty. What a foolish idea. 12:47.280 --> 12:49.280 But what's wrong with it? 12:49.280 --> 12:54.280 Louise, if I thought life began at 80, I'd have committed suicide 65 years ago. 12:54.280 --> 12:59.280 Pardon me, ladies. Can you tell me how to get into the Martin and Lewis show? 12:59.280 --> 13:05.280 We're going in, young man. Get a line behind us. We always come to see these new comedians the very first week. 13:05.280 --> 13:13.280 Oh, swell. Yes, we have to. They usually don't last for a second week. 13:13.280 --> 13:17.280 They don't, huh? Well, you don't know Martin and Lewis. They're the best comedians in the whole world. 13:17.280 --> 13:22.280 And I say that for two very important reasons. Red and butter. 13:22.280 --> 13:30.280 Oh, I'm so anxious to see Dean Martin. You know, Myrtle, that Dean Martin is the whole show, as far as I'm concerned. 13:30.280 --> 13:33.280 He really has talent. 13:33.280 --> 13:36.280 Now, wait a minute, lady. It takes two to make a team, Martin and Lewis. 13:36.280 --> 13:40.280 That's the team. They've got to stick together. That's the way it is with any team. 13:40.280 --> 13:43.280 Where would Fibber be without Molly? Where would Kaiser be without Fraser? 13:43.280 --> 13:46.280 And where would Drew Pearson be without President Drew? 13:46.280 --> 13:52.280 Doesn't quite fit, does it? 13:52.280 --> 13:56.280 Hey, Jerry, I parked the car. Let's go inside. What are you standing this line for? 13:56.280 --> 14:00.280 Oh, it's Dean Martin. 14:00.280 --> 14:03.280 Hello, girls. 14:03.280 --> 14:09.280 Mr. Martin, don't tell us that this odd-looking young man is your partner. 14:09.280 --> 14:12.280 That's right. He's my partner, Jerry Lewis. 14:12.280 --> 14:16.280 You see, Myrtle, I told you that Dean Martin was the whole show. 14:16.280 --> 14:21.280 Oh, now just a minute, ladies. Jerry isn't so bad. In fact, he's a very nice guy. He's a wonderful guy. 14:21.280 --> 14:25.280 Why, Jerry's the important half of our act. He's the talent. He's the one who gets all the laughs. 14:25.280 --> 14:29.280 He's the one the critics rave about. He's the one the people love. 14:29.280 --> 14:34.280 Oh, what a hand. 14:34.280 --> 14:37.280 Well, I'm sorry. We have to go, ladies. Come on, Jerry. We've got to rehearse. 14:37.280 --> 14:39.280 What are you going to sing, Mr. Martin? 14:39.280 --> 14:41.280 I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China. 14:41.280 --> 14:48.280 No. Get the tickets and I'll meet you at the dock. 14:48.280 --> 14:59.280 Come on, Jerry. I'm getting tired of singing. 14:59.280 --> 15:03.280 Here's Mr. Martin. Now step right up to the microphone. Mr. Martin, we're ready for your song. 15:03.280 --> 15:05.280 Yeah, you sing, Dean. I'll lead the band. 15:05.280 --> 15:07.280 Lead the band? Jerry, do you know anything about leading a band? 15:07.280 --> 15:11.280 Do I know anything about leading a band? I just suggested leading the band, 15:11.280 --> 15:16.280 and you have the nerve to ask me if I know anything about it. 15:16.280 --> 15:17.280 What, do you? 15:17.280 --> 15:24.280 Well, no. But don't worry about me. You take care of the singing and I'll take care of the conducting. 15:24.280 --> 15:26.280 You'll take care of the what? 15:26.280 --> 15:30.280 I said you take care of the singing and I'll take care of the conducting. 15:30.280 --> 15:33.280 Why do you leave that last word up in the air? It's the end of a sentence. You're through with it. 15:33.280 --> 15:35.280 There's a period there. You don't need it anymore. 15:35.280 --> 15:41.280 You would say, I'm going to the corner, not, I'm going to the corner. 15:41.280 --> 15:43.280 I mean, who talks like this? 15:43.280 --> 15:50.280 Well, you talk the way you want. I talk that way because listen. 15:50.280 --> 15:53.280 Okay, Jerry, if you're going to lead the band, go ahead and lead it. 15:53.280 --> 16:06.280 All right, men. One, two. 16:06.280 --> 16:16.280 Oh, daddy made up this lullaby just to sing it to you. 16:16.280 --> 16:28.280 Soon as you learn this lullaby, you can sing it to your dolly too. 16:28.280 --> 16:34.280 Ta-da, ta-da-da-da, ta-da-da-da. 16:34.280 --> 16:46.280 Play peek-a-boo with a star. Pursue by baby when shadows creep. 16:46.280 --> 16:57.280 Dreamland is not very far. Ta-da, ta-da-da-da, ta-da-da-da. 16:57.280 --> 17:10.280 Just like the angel you are. Rock about, baby, now you're asleep. 17:10.280 --> 17:35.280 Ta-da-da-da-da, ta-da-da-da-da. play peek-a-boo with a star. 17:35.280 --> 17:42.220 Waka-bye baby, when shall we see 17:42.220 --> 17:48.520 Dreamland is not very far 17:48.520 --> 17:56.520 Ah, da-da, ta-da-da-da, ta-da-da-da 17:56.520 --> 18:02.220 Just like the angel you are 18:02.220 --> 18:09.220 Waka-bye baby, now you're asleep 18:09.220 --> 18:15.220 Ta-da, ta-da-da-da, ta-da-da-da 18:15.220 --> 18:19.220 Ta-da, ta-da-da-da, ta-da-da-da 18:19.220 --> 18:26.220 Go to sleep, sleep please 18:26.220 --> 18:34.220 Go to sleep 18:56.220 --> 19:02.220 Go to sleep 19:26.220 --> 19:29.220 Hey, Dean, listen to what the office is playing. They shouldn't do that. 19:29.220 --> 19:31.220 Well, why not, Jerry? 19:31.220 --> 19:33.220 Sounds like the Bob Hope Show. 19:33.220 --> 19:35.220 I'm not sure. 19:35.220 --> 19:37.220 I'm not sure. 19:37.220 --> 19:39.220 I'm not sure. 19:39.220 --> 19:41.220 I'm not sure. 19:41.220 --> 19:43.220 I'm not sure. 19:43.220 --> 19:45.220 I'm not sure. 19:45.220 --> 19:47.220 I'm not sure. 19:47.220 --> 19:49.220 I'm not sure. 19:49.220 --> 19:51.220 I'm not sure. 19:51.220 --> 19:53.220 I'm not sure. 19:53.220 --> 19:55.220 I'm not sure. 19:55.220 --> 19:57.220 It's like the Bob Hope Show. 19:57.220 --> 19:59.220 Hey, Dick, Stabiel, hold it. 19:59.220 --> 20:02.220 This is the Martin and Lewis Show starring those two sensational partners. 20:02.220 --> 20:05.220 Bob Hope and Swan Soap. 20:05.220 --> 20:14.220 Thank you. 20:14.220 --> 20:16.220 Yes, sir, those two sensational partners. 20:16.220 --> 20:22.220 Bob Hope and Swan Soap, the famous floater and the famous sinker. 20:22.220 --> 20:25.220 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here tonight to perform a very pleasant task. 20:25.220 --> 20:30.220 As you must know by now, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are two young and very talented fellows whom NBC has adopted. 20:30.220 --> 20:32.220 I'm sure they'll bring you many hours of top entertainment. 20:32.220 --> 20:38.220 I'm sincerely honored to be here and welcome to the network the handsome, talented, gorgeous voice, Dean Martin. 20:38.220 --> 20:40.220 Well, thanks, Bob, for all the wonderful compliments. 20:40.220 --> 20:42.220 And his partner, Jerry Lewis. 20:42.220 --> 20:44.220 Thanks, Bob. 20:44.220 --> 20:50.220 And thanks, Bob, for I don't get no compliments. 20:50.220 --> 20:54.220 Jerry, is that any way to talk to Bob after he comes all the way down here to wish us luck? 20:54.220 --> 20:55.220 I think it's very swell of him. 20:55.220 --> 20:57.220 Oh, it's nothing. I didn't have anything else to do this evening. 20:57.220 --> 21:03.220 It's the Maid's Night Off. 21:03.220 --> 21:05.220 But I know how it is when you're starting a new show. 21:05.220 --> 21:08.220 It seems like only yesterday that I was worrying about my radio program. 21:08.220 --> 21:15.220 In fact, it was only yesterday. 21:15.220 --> 21:17.220 Well, we really appreciate this, Bob. 21:17.220 --> 21:19.220 We figured we need plenty of help to succeed in Hollywood. 21:19.220 --> 21:21.220 Oh, I'm sure you're going to be very successful, Dean. 21:21.220 --> 21:23.220 Well, how about Jerry? 21:23.220 --> 21:29.220 Yeah, how about that? 21:29.220 --> 21:32.220 Oh, come on, Mr. Hope. Stop making with the jokes like that. 21:32.220 --> 21:34.220 You promised you'd make us seem funny. 21:34.220 --> 21:35.220 Well, don't worry about it, Jerry. 21:35.220 --> 21:40.220 No comedian's ever going to top that top of yours. 21:40.220 --> 21:43.220 Tell me, who does your hair? Are you bangy? 21:43.220 --> 21:44.220 Nobody does it. 21:44.220 --> 21:49.220 I just get out of bed and if I can't see anything, I know my hair is bald. 21:49.220 --> 21:51.220 Well, Jerry can't help the way his hair looks, Bob. 21:51.220 --> 21:53.220 You see, when his parents found him on the doorstep, 21:53.220 --> 21:57.220 they threw him away and raised a fuller brush sample. 21:57.220 --> 21:58.220 Now, that's hair, huh? 21:58.220 --> 22:03.220 He looks like the boy with the green Brillo. 22:03.220 --> 22:06.220 What's the matter with my hair? It's hair, ain't it? 22:06.220 --> 22:09.220 Are you asking or telling? 22:09.220 --> 22:14.220 I'm wondering. 22:14.220 --> 22:15.220 Well, there's nothing wrong with it, 22:15.220 --> 22:21.220 and it's just that you look like you're standing with your back to a high wind. 22:21.220 --> 22:28.220 It just grows that way, and I'm not standing with my back to any high wind. 22:28.220 --> 22:41.220 On the contrary. 22:41.220 --> 22:54.220 Look, bebop, were you born or did your mother miss a question on truth or consequences? 22:54.220 --> 22:58.220 Listen, what's wrong with it if I happen to like my hair rather short? 22:58.220 --> 23:02.220 Rather short? What does the barber use, scissors or sandpaper? 23:02.220 --> 23:09.220 The barber uses scissors, but he works from the inside. 23:09.220 --> 23:12.220 And he sings, too, you know. 23:12.220 --> 23:13.220 Can I go now? 23:13.220 --> 23:15.220 Anytime. 23:15.220 --> 23:19.220 That's all we can get with that. Go, it's all right. 23:19.220 --> 23:22.220 Well, it just so happens I have to keep my hair short, Mr. Hope. 23:22.220 --> 23:27.220 Every time I let it get any longer than this, my knees buckle. 23:27.220 --> 23:32.220 It didn't pay. 23:32.220 --> 23:35.220 Can I go now? 23:35.220 --> 23:38.220 Well, I want to tell you, you boys are going to be working pretty hard from now on, 23:38.220 --> 23:40.220 so Jerry, you've got to build up your strength. 23:40.220 --> 23:41.220 What do you suggest, Mr. Hope? 23:41.220 --> 23:50.220 Put something in your pot, boy. 23:50.220 --> 23:52.220 Oh, Jerry will fill out when he gets a little older, Bob. 23:52.220 --> 24:00.220 You know, he's not as old as some comedian. 24:00.220 --> 24:03.220 Got another high wind here. 24:03.220 --> 24:10.220 Don't look at me when you say that, you West Point victim-one. 24:10.220 --> 24:15.220 You're looking at a man of 31, you know. 24:15.220 --> 24:18.220 No laugh? 24:18.220 --> 24:21.220 31, 31, 31. 24:21.220 --> 24:25.220 He keeps doing it until he gets a good reading. 24:25.220 --> 24:27.220 Wait a minute, Mr. Hope. 24:27.220 --> 24:30.220 I saw your birth certificate and you're not 31. 24:30.220 --> 24:31.220 Jerry. 24:31.220 --> 24:32.220 Don't try to stop me, Dean. 24:32.220 --> 24:36.220 The birth certificate said born in 1910 and this is 1949. 24:36.220 --> 24:42.220 You're not 31, you're 35. 24:42.220 --> 24:47.220 Thank you, Joel Kuperman. 24:47.220 --> 24:48.220 Nice counting. 24:48.220 --> 24:52.220 Did you hire an income tax man this year or are you leaving us soon? 24:52.220 --> 24:53.220 See how young he is, Bob? 24:53.220 --> 24:55.220 It was embarrassing when we were working at night clubs. 24:55.220 --> 24:56.220 It was embarrassing? 24:56.220 --> 24:57.220 Yes. 24:57.220 --> 24:59.220 After we finished our act, Jerry would step up to the bar 24:59.220 --> 25:03.220 and order three fingers of Meade's formula with a pablum chaser. 25:03.220 --> 25:04.220 I know. 25:04.220 --> 25:05.220 The other night he was on my show. 25:05.220 --> 25:13.220 After every joke he told, I had to throw him over my shoulder and burp him. 25:13.220 --> 25:15.220 Now listen, you two. 25:15.220 --> 25:18.220 It's all right for you to stand there and vituperate my adolescence, 25:18.220 --> 25:27.220 but I will have you know that Jerry Lewis is capable of exuding as much sophistry as anyone else. 25:27.220 --> 25:28.220 Jerry. 25:28.220 --> 25:29.220 Yes? 25:29.220 --> 25:32.220 Your safety pin is unfastened again. 25:32.220 --> 25:40.220 Yeah, and you can see the inside of your head. 25:40.220 --> 25:43.220 Why, you fellas are just jealous because when I go over the paramount, 25:43.220 --> 25:45.220 Jane Russell holds me on her knee. 25:45.220 --> 25:49.220 What do you think she holds me? 25:49.220 --> 25:53.220 Off. 25:53.220 --> 25:56.220 You peaked. 25:56.220 --> 25:59.220 You know, Bob, we envy you making pictures with all the big stars. 25:59.220 --> 26:01.220 Did you have a hard time getting started in the show business? 26:01.220 --> 26:02.220 Hard, Dean? 26:02.220 --> 26:03.220 Yes. 26:03.220 --> 26:05.220 You know, one time in New York I lived for six months on nothing but donuts. 26:05.220 --> 26:10.220 Every time I'd ask an agent for a job I'd get so nervous I'd break out in powdered sugar. 26:10.220 --> 26:18.220 Fortunately I had a partner who broke out in cold coffee. 26:18.220 --> 26:21.220 Really, Bob, we'll always remember one thing though. 26:21.220 --> 26:23.220 You were so wonderful to us when we first came to the paramount, 26:23.220 --> 26:24.220 when we were poor and hungry, 26:24.220 --> 26:27.220 while we couldn't even afford to split one of those 50 cent box lunches. 26:27.220 --> 26:28.220 Oh, it was nothing. 26:28.220 --> 26:37.220 Nothing? You call it nothing making us a special one for a quarter? 26:37.220 --> 26:41.220 Well, I came out all right. I just used less swan soap in the salad. 26:41.220 --> 26:44.220 Hey, you boys are making a movie now. How do you like acting, Jerry? 26:44.220 --> 26:49.220 Oh, it's great, Bob. What scenes I have. What lines I deliver. What emotion I portray. 26:49.220 --> 26:56.220 When one saint I say, one saint, saint. 26:56.220 --> 27:06.220 Start over. It's tape. 27:06.220 --> 27:13.220 Crosby starts ten times a night. Go ahead. 27:13.220 --> 27:16.220 I'd better hurry. We'll be here till Christmas. All right. 27:16.220 --> 27:25.220 Why, yes. 27:25.220 --> 27:28.220 Not really. In one scene I say to the girl, Bob, I say, 27:28.220 --> 27:31.220 The world may think of me as a nobody, but Wendelin, in your arms, 27:31.220 --> 27:35.220 I'm a bird soaring up in the blue. I'm a flower pushing up my head through the soil. 27:35.220 --> 27:38.220 I'm a moth floating helplessly into your burning flame. 27:38.220 --> 27:41.220 Boy, that's emoting, isn't it? How do you like that, Bob? 27:41.220 --> 27:47.220 Hello, Mort? 27:47.220 --> 27:49.220 Jerry, tell me one thing. 27:49.220 --> 27:51.220 What's that? 27:51.220 --> 27:57.220 Are you for real? 27:57.220 --> 28:01.220 Now, you just wait a minute, Mr. Hope. That's my line. I don't care if you are Bob Hope. 28:01.220 --> 28:04.220 No comedian's supposed to steal another comedian's lines. 28:04.220 --> 28:06.220 Okay, Runt. What are you going to do about it? 28:06.220 --> 28:11.220 Hello, Mort? 28:11.220 --> 28:14.220 Say, Bob, we'll show you in a picture. No kidding. With Dorothy the Morty 28:14.220 --> 28:16.220 out of the night, it must be exciting working with her. 28:16.220 --> 28:20.220 Oh, it's nothing, really. My Adam's apple ought to stop jumping any day now. 28:20.220 --> 28:22.220 How about that scene where Dorothy was dancing the hula? 28:22.220 --> 28:27.220 She started out slowly, but when she shifted into second, wow. 28:27.220 --> 28:35.220 You should have seen the part they cut out. She was in overdrive. 28:35.220 --> 28:39.220 You know, I bet that film is still flopping around on the cutting room floor. 28:39.220 --> 28:52.220 I get the good ones. 28:52.220 --> 28:58.220 I had one that I thought was pretty good, but you ruined it right now. 28:58.220 --> 29:00.220 Would you mind trying your line once again? 29:00.220 --> 29:04.220 All right. You know, I bet the film is still flopping around on the cutting room floor. 29:04.220 --> 29:09.220 Yeah, only last week they finally beat it to death with a stick. 29:09.220 --> 29:12.220 Thank you very much. 29:12.220 --> 29:16.220 Say, by the way, fellas, I'm throwing a little reception for you guys tonight after your show. 29:16.220 --> 29:19.220 Oh, a reception for us? You hear that, Jerry? 29:19.220 --> 29:21.220 Yeah, can you get some girls, or is this too sudden? 29:21.220 --> 29:23.220 Will be. 29:23.220 --> 29:26.220 Oh, step all of us. Nothing at all. 29:26.220 --> 29:30.220 Just a little bit. 29:30.220 --> 29:31.220 Yeah, what? Would you mind? 29:31.220 --> 29:40.220 You're not exactly seroton to me, you know. 29:40.220 --> 29:44.220 Will you please read Lampshade Head? 29:44.220 --> 29:49.220 No, I'm sorry. You can cut that line out too, I guess, too, huh? 29:49.220 --> 29:50.220 Yes. 29:50.220 --> 29:51.220 Oh, my. 29:51.220 --> 30:01.220 Will be there, Bob. The kind of girls we know, nothing's too sudden. Bye. 30:01.220 --> 30:08.220 Wait, I'll get my hat and go with you. And another thing, fellas, it's going to be a formal party. 30:08.220 --> 30:10.220 It's formal? 30:10.220 --> 30:14.220 Yeah, bring your own pool cue. It's really going to be a swell affair. 30:14.220 --> 30:21.220 Sounds good, Bob. Are you going to have champagne? I get a straight line getting in here. 30:21.220 --> 30:24.220 It's funny how those strange words came out, all right, you know. 30:24.220 --> 30:38.220 I don't want you guys to get upset, but I don't like how well you're working together. 30:38.220 --> 30:44.220 Don't worry, I could never match that hair. I'm having trouble growing it back here now. 30:44.220 --> 30:47.220 Would you mind feeding me again, if you don't mind? 30:47.220 --> 30:50.220 Sounds good, Bob. Are you going to serve champagne? 30:50.220 --> 30:54.220 No, I couldn't get any champagne, so I'm serving 7-Up and Coke. Nobody will know the difference. 30:54.220 --> 30:58.220 Wait a minute, Bob. No one would take 7-Up and Coke in preference to champagne? 30:58.220 --> 31:04.220 I would, but I'm only 23 years old. What do I know? 31:04.220 --> 31:10.220 This kid's really going to live tonight. At midnight, he'll be drinking Obleteen from Margaret O'Brien's slipper. 31:10.220 --> 31:13.220 Well, it's awfully nice of you, Bob, to invite us. I'm sorry. 31:13.220 --> 31:19.220 Please. 31:19.220 --> 31:31.220 Well, I hope you folks are enjoying our career. 31:31.220 --> 31:36.220 It's awfully nice. It's awfully nice. I'll get this line in yet, Bob. 31:36.220 --> 31:40.220 I hope you have it right when you get your chance. 31:40.220 --> 31:45.220 It's awfully nice of you to come over for our hour show. 31:45.220 --> 31:47.220 Invite us to your party. Who's going to be there? 31:47.220 --> 31:54.220 We'll need an hour to hatch this thing. Where are we? 31:54.220 --> 32:04.220 You've got me confused. You've read every line in this page. 32:04.220 --> 32:08.220 And after looking it over, you can have them. 32:08.220 --> 32:09.220 I'll try this one. 32:09.220 --> 32:12.220 May I ask you a question? 32:12.220 --> 32:23.220 I didn't get your name. 32:23.220 --> 32:28.220 Why not? I'm hoping to kill you, too. You might as well. 32:28.220 --> 32:29.220 Step in, Jerry. 32:29.220 --> 32:41.220 Jerry Colon. Listen, I just wanted to tell you fellas that the man in the control room is laughing, but he's burning. 32:41.220 --> 32:45.220 We're very lucky if he's still with us, isn't he? 32:45.220 --> 32:55.220 He could be nailed down. Go ahead. 32:55.220 --> 32:59.220 This may put Mortimer out of business. 32:59.220 --> 33:01.220 What did you say? I'm sorry, Dean. I didn't mean to ignore you. 33:01.220 --> 33:02.220 I just said it's awfully nice. 33:02.220 --> 33:04.220 You sing like mad, don't you? Where would you say it? 33:04.220 --> 33:11.220 Right now I wish I were singing. Look, it's awfully nice of you, Bob, to invite us to your party. Now, who's going to be there? 33:11.220 --> 33:26.220 I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. 33:26.220 --> 33:33.220 I love those lines where they go upstairs for the last row. 33:33.220 --> 33:43.220 Goodbye. 33:43.220 --> 33:46.220 Nothing like getting a fresh start. 33:46.220 --> 33:55.220 I say, are you sure Avon Costello started this way? 33:55.220 --> 34:01.220 Oh, hello there. We're doing a quartet now. 34:01.220 --> 34:15.220 Bob, you're still talking, isn't that a doll? Who's going to be there? At the party. 34:15.220 --> 34:17.220 Bob, they're going to do a lot of... Here we go. Here we go. 34:17.220 --> 34:18.220 All right, let's go. 34:18.220 --> 34:21.220 Well, I'll tell you. Why don't you read your line just for tape? 34:21.220 --> 34:26.220 All right. Well, well, then. It's awfully nice of you, Bob, to invite us to our party. Who's going to be there? 34:26.220 --> 34:30.220 Oh, I've asked lots of important people. The only thing is, does Jerry know how to act at a party? 34:30.220 --> 34:34.220 Do I know how to act at a party? Why, once I'm in the back room of a barbershop... 34:34.220 --> 34:37.220 Jerry! 34:37.220 --> 34:41.220 Dad Libs, get more. 34:41.220 --> 34:46.220 Mighty quiet here. 34:46.220 --> 34:51.220 I'm only waiting for the cue. I'm not moving, brother. 34:51.220 --> 34:55.220 Jerry, hold it. 34:55.220 --> 35:01.220 Wouldn't it be funny if this was an audition? 35:01.220 --> 35:06.220 Oh, CBS don't know how lucky they are. 35:06.220 --> 35:09.220 I was only thinking, maybe Jerry will be a little raucous. 35:09.220 --> 35:19.220 Raucous? Me? I'll never worry about Jerry Lewis being raucous. I'll make more noise than anyone there. 35:19.220 --> 35:25.220 Look, steel wool head. I hope you understand I've invited big names, people of refinement and breeding and culture. 35:25.220 --> 35:31.220 Oh, that's all right. Refinement and breeding and culture pour out of me like sweat off a horse's neck. 35:31.220 --> 35:35.220 It sounds like a peeping... 35:35.220 --> 35:39.220 You're going to pull another bladder, or are you through with that? 35:39.220 --> 35:45.220 Anyone for me? I didn't do nothing. 35:45.220 --> 35:51.220 Maybe when I'm in the business as long as you. 35:51.220 --> 35:54.220 I doubt if you'll make it. 35:54.220 --> 35:55.220 I'm trying. 35:55.220 --> 35:56.220 You're a sweet boy, that's all. 35:56.220 --> 35:57.220 Do you really think so? 35:57.220 --> 36:07.220 I do. That's why I'm here. I'm not really after him. 36:07.220 --> 36:14.220 Where are we? Where did we stop? You know... 36:14.220 --> 36:16.220 I don't know if I should go after this line or not. 36:16.220 --> 36:22.220 You know, he sounds like a peeping tom who got his peep caught in a small keyhole. 36:22.220 --> 36:25.220 That's what I said. It's going to be... 36:25.220 --> 36:28.220 It's going to be quite a party, I ask Cary Grant, Randy Scott, Barbara Hutton. 36:28.220 --> 36:30.220 Barbara Hutton, the heiress? Will she be there? 36:30.220 --> 36:35.220 Well, no, she can't make it, but there'll be several girls from her store. 36:35.220 --> 36:41.220 Hey, Bob, really, I'd like to have a date with one of those big movie stars like Barbara Stanwyck, Elizabeth Scott or Diana Lynn. 36:41.220 --> 36:43.220 You think you can fix me up? 36:43.220 --> 36:47.220 Not enough. 36:47.220 --> 36:49.220 Just a minute, Mr. Hope. There's just one thing I'd like to say to you. 36:49.220 --> 36:58.220 Perhaps I don't look as good as some others with a physique, but it's arbitrary to me to fart pissing for anyone who knows persons that shouldn't have... 36:58.220 --> 37:06.220 The cops are here. 37:06.220 --> 37:11.220 Well, it was fun radio, wasn't it? 37:11.220 --> 37:16.220 Those nightclubs are still going, boy. 37:16.220 --> 37:17.220 Take it fresh, Jerry. 37:17.220 --> 37:23.220 Just a minute, Mr. Hope. There's just one thing I'd like you to... It's too close to the paper. 37:23.220 --> 37:29.220 I'd like you to know that people that have an opinion of someone that's got a physique like mine may not consider themselves more or less on the position that I am. 37:29.220 --> 37:41.220 I've known many people that consider themselves, but not me. When I'm well enough to arbitrate, then I'm not sure enough. 37:41.220 --> 37:46.220 Would you mind repeating that? 37:46.220 --> 37:48.220 Say, never mind. I've got to go now. See you at the party tonight. 37:48.220 --> 37:54.220 Well, okay. All kidding aside, it was nice of you, Bob, to come down and help us get started. We really appreciate it. 37:54.220 --> 37:58.220 Well, we're talking this way, Bob. There's something Dean and I have been waiting... wanting to say to you for a long time. 37:58.220 --> 38:00.220 What's that, Jerry? 38:00.220 --> 38:03.220 Well, Bob, we don't know what we'd have done without you since we arrived in Hollywood. 38:03.220 --> 38:07.220 You've always been willing to give us a helping hand when we lack courage and confidence. 38:07.220 --> 38:12.220 There was always you to go to. We could confide in you. When we feel blue and all alone in the world, we could come to you without troubles. 38:12.220 --> 38:13.220 And Bob... 38:13.220 --> 38:14.220 Yeah? 38:14.220 --> 38:28.220 You're the type of guy we've always wanted for a mother.