It's the Martin & Lewis Show!
The National Broadcasting Company brings you Transcribe, the new Martin & Lewis Show.
Our guest tonight, Bob Holt, and featuring Flo McMichael, Mike Roy, the Martin Gales,
Dick Stabilandi's Orchestra, and starring Dean Martin, and Jerry Lewis.
Jerry, I'm the singer on the show and you're the comedian. Remember that? So stay in your place, will you?
What do you want to stop pushing me around for? The show is only even started and you're already trying to be the big man.
Go ahead, kick me. Step on me. Wipe your feet on me. You're always poking fun at me.
Oh Jerry, stop. I don't poke any fun at you. Think of all the times I've defended you.
You defended me? Of course, many times. You're so ungrateful.
Ungrateful? What did you ever do for me? Give me a for-instance, I'll rat it through ya.
Bad enough, I found out tonight that 70-30 isn't an even split. Let's get back to that 60-40. What do you say?
Okay, sure Jerry. Whatever you say, pal. If you want 60-40, you get it. Now, is it alright if I go ahead and sing a song?
Do you mind if they give me the 60-40? No, it's alright. It's like this, you say, then not even a word.
Go ahead, sing three, four notes.
No one here can love and understand me. All the hard luck stories, they all hand me.
So make the bed, honey, like a lie. I'm coming home late tonight. Blackbird, bye-bye.
No one here can love or understand me. All the hard luck stories, they all hand me.
So make the bed, like a lie. I'm coming home late tonight. Blackbird, bye-bye.
As you know, ladies and gentlemen, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are two young men who overnight have become the nation's comedy hit.
And they're still rather dazed by it all. Now we take you back a few hours to this afternoon.
We find the boys in their apartment getting ready, somewhat nervously, to go to NBC for their first radio show.
Well, Jerry, this is our big day. We're actually going to do our first broadcast on NBC. Isn't that wonderful?
Yes, wonderful, Dean.
Well, what's the matter? Aren't you happy about it? Happy? Oh, sure.
Oh, buck up, Jerry. It's our big chance. Yeah, the opportunity of a lifetime, the greatest moment of our lives.
We go down to NBC, we walk out on the stage and face all those people. And Dean? Yeah? I wish I was dead.
Well, it's supposed to be NBC again. What cowards we are. Why are we afraid to do our own radio show? After all, how big an aid can we lay?
How big? Well, if we took a large hen and got it to hold back for two years. All right, Jerry, hold on.
Oh, we've been acting like two frightened mice all day. We've got an ironclad contact to do the show. We've got to talk to NBC sometime.
You're right. I'm not a frightened mouse. And shit, it's phone. Oh, come on, Jerry, you answer it.
Dean Martin, I will tell you why I will not answer these phones. Indubitably, that call is from NBC.
And it is indubitably they want to know where to H-E-C-K we are because they are spending thousands and thousands of dollars and money
to build a sensational comedy and musical extravagance around us. And if they think we are that important, why don't they call us?
Jerry, they are calling us. Who else could it be besides NBC? Who else? Well, it could be a wrong number, a quiz show.
A quiz show? Hey, a quiz show. They give you money just for answering a few questions. Give me that phone.
Hello, 1492, Marie Antoinette and sulfuric acid. Ship the money.
Jerry, we've got to get down to NBC right away. Let's go. Dean. Yeah. I'm scared.
Look, we've done all right so far. We shouldn't be afraid. We did all right in nightclubs, didn't we?
Yeah, but those people pay $10 cover charge so they had to like us. But at a radio show, the audience gets in for free and at those prices, they can afford to hate us.
But Jerry, this is what we dreamed about. All the things we fought for. Who knows? This could make us famous. Yeah, famous.
We could even become important actors. Yeah, important actors. Our names in lights, celebrities, stars in pictures.
Yeah, names in lights, celebrities, stars in pictures. I can see it all. Big hits in nightclubs. We're famous.
Everybody wants us. Hal Wallace signs us for Paramount Pictures. NBC signs us for a radio show. We flop.
Nobody wants us. Hal Wallace won't speak to us. Paramount hates us. We spend our savings. We can't get work.
We're tramping the streets starving. We stop and press our noses against the bakery window. And Dean, I'm hungry.
All right, Jerry, snap out of it. We've got to get dressed and go.
Well, I'm almost ready, Dean, but gee, I start to shake all over when I think of tonight being on the same show with Bob Hope.
Gee, he's a big star, Dean, and well... Ah, don't worry. We'll get through it somehow.
And by the way, Jerry, when you meet Bob Hope, don't make any cracks about his nose.
No cracks about his nose? No, just shake hands with it and let it go at that.
Shake hands with it. Hey, that was a sterling one.
Look, Dean, you're the singer and I'm the comedian, right? That's right.
You're supposed to sing and I'm supposed to tell the jokes and get the laughs. And yet you just stole the joke and got a big laugh.
Don't do it no more.
Come on, let's go down NBC. Oh, not so fast. Now, let me take a look at you first. Stand up.
Wash your hands. Yes, partner.
Wash your face. Yes, sir.
Behind your ears. Look, I'm just going on a broadcast. I'm not going to get married.
Anyway, what about you? Did you bathe? Well, of course. I take a bath every day.
You take a bath every day? Well, of course.
Oh, Dean, I'm so unworthy of you.
Come on, let's get out of this apartment. Who is it?
It's the maid. I have to come in and clean the apartment.
Okay, come on in. We're just leaving anyway. Oh, my goodness. Just look at the condition of this room.
What's the matter with it? It's clean.
Well, then that's a break for you. You have no work to do. I don't have any work to do. That's fine.
I'm the maid and I'm supposed to clean the apartments every day. And if your apartment isn't dirty, then I don't have to clean it.
And if I don't have to clean your apartment, I won't have anything to do for a half hour.
So I'll go out in the hall and I'll light a cigarette and the manager will smell the smoke and he'll come up to me and he'll say,
What are you doing smoking a cigarette in the hall? And I'll say, I don't have anything to do right now.
And he'll say, Why don't you clean the apartments? And I'll say, I don't have to clean the apartments.
And he'll say, Oh, you don't have to clean the apartments, hon. You'll get mad and fire me and all because your apartment is clean.
It's people like you who cause unemployment.
Miss, there's one thing I don't understand. What's that? Are you for real?
Miss, we're not trying to get you fired. Do the best you can. We have to leave. So come on, Jerry. Let's go.
Okay.
Oh, my goodness.
Now what?
There's a discrepancy in the bathroom.
A what?
One of you has to get married. The towels say his and hers and you're a his and his.
Well, okay. Okay. Look, just put in two his's and that'll fix it.
Oh, it's not as simple as that. If I give you another his and I'll have an extra hers.
And at the end of the week, I'll have 148 his's and 149 hers's.
And the manager won't know why there's more hers's than his's because they don't have any his's and hers's. They're in the building anyway.
Okay. Take all the towels out. All of them. From now on, we'll dry on newspapers.
Bye. You're odd people.
We ain't odd. We're entertainers. We're Martin and Lewis and we got a radio show to do in a few minutes.
Oh, you're on the radio. What do you do?
Well, one of us is a singer.
And the other guy's the funniest comedian you ever heard. He tells big jokes, kills the people, gets big laughs, and he screams and people laugh and he's so funny.
Witch is witch.
Come on, Jerry. Let's go to NBC.
Folks, let me ask a question. What about your future? Will it be a secure one?
Well, the best way to guarantee security and happiness is to make your savings automatic and to be sure your savings are in an investment which is absolutely safe.
So tomorrow, join the payroll savings plan where you work. Under this plan, a sum is set aside from each paycheck, whatever amount you decide.
And as it accumulates, it is invested in United States savings bonds in your name. U.S. savings bonds, the finest, safest investment in the world today.
You'll be astounded how quickly those bonds will pile up, ready to be used for an emergency. Meanwhile, they grow in value year by year.
So see about the part payment payroll savings plan tomorrow. Or if you are your own boss, ask your bank about the bond a month plan.
Either way is a sure way to a happy, secure future. And you'll be joining with 80 million other Americans who are already shareholders in the greatest country on earth by United States savings bonds.
Well, this is NBC, Jerry. I'll park the car and you go on ahead.
I'll wait for you, Dean.
Oh, what are you afraid of? Buck up, Jerry. I never saw anyone so timid as you are.
I can't help it, Dean. I'm so worried I got butterflies in my stomach.
Now, take an aspirin. The butterflies will go away.
I took an aspirin. They're playing ping pong with it.
Go ahead, Jerry. I'll meet you in front of the studio. Bye.
Bye.
All right. Stand in line, folks, to the Martin and Lewis show. The line will move inside the studio in a few minutes.
Come on, Myrtle. Let's get in line.
All right, Louise. Oh, I just hope this Martin and Lewis show we're going to see is as good as ladies be seated.
You know, Myrtle, they've got the cutest comedian on ladies be seated.
Really? What does he do? He pulls the chairs out from under him.
Oh, how ridiculous. You're always bringing me to these silly radio shows, Louise.
Like that program, Life Begins at Eighty. What a foolish idea.
But what's wrong with it?
Louise, if I thought life began at 80, I'd have committed suicide 65 years ago.
Pardon me, ladies. Can you tell me how to get into the Martin and Lewis show?
We're going in, young man. Get a line behind us. We always come to see these new comedians the very first week.
Oh, swell. Yes, we have to. They usually don't last for a second week.
They don't, huh? Well, you don't know Martin and Lewis. They're the best comedians in the whole world.
And I say that for two very important reasons. Red and butter.
Oh, I'm so anxious to see Dean Martin. You know, Myrtle, that Dean Martin is the whole show, as far as I'm concerned.
He really has talent.
Now, wait a minute, lady. It takes two to make a team, Martin and Lewis.
That's the team. They've got to stick together. That's the way it is with any team.
Where would Fibber be without Molly? Where would Kaiser be without Fraser?
And where would Drew Pearson be without President Drew?
Doesn't quite fit, does it?
Hey, Jerry, I parked the car. Let's go inside. What are you standing this line for?
Oh, it's Dean Martin.
Hello, girls.
Mr. Martin, don't tell us that this odd-looking young man is your partner.
That's right. He's my partner, Jerry Lewis.
You see, Myrtle, I told you that Dean Martin was the whole show.
Oh, now just a minute, ladies. Jerry isn't so bad. In fact, he's a very nice guy. He's a wonderful guy.
Why, Jerry's the important half of our act. He's the talent. He's the one who gets all the laughs.
He's the one the critics rave about. He's the one the people love.
Oh, what a hand.
Well, I'm sorry. We have to go, ladies. Come on, Jerry. We've got to rehearse.
What are you going to sing, Mr. Martin?
I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China.
No. Get the tickets and I'll meet you at the dock.
Come on, Jerry. I'm getting tired of singing.
Here's Mr. Martin. Now step right up to the microphone. Mr. Martin, we're ready for your song.
Yeah, you sing, Dean. I'll lead the band.
Lead the band? Jerry, do you know anything about leading a band?
Do I know anything about leading a band? I just suggested leading the band,
and you have the nerve to ask me if I know anything about it.
What, do you?
Well, no. But don't worry about me. You take care of the singing and I'll take care of the conducting.
You'll take care of the what?
I said you take care of the singing and I'll take care of the conducting.
Why do you leave that last word up in the air? It's the end of a sentence. You're through with it.
There's a period there. You don't need it anymore.
You would say, I'm going to the corner, not, I'm going to the corner.
I mean, who talks like this?
Well, you talk the way you want. I talk that way because listen.
Okay, Jerry, if you're going to lead the band, go ahead and lead it.
All right, men. One, two.
Oh, daddy made up this lullaby just to sing it to you.
Soon as you learn this lullaby, you can sing it to your dolly too.
Ta-da, ta-da-da-da, ta-da-da-da.
Play peek-a-boo with a star. Pursue by baby when shadows creep.
Dreamland is not very far. Ta-da, ta-da-da-da, ta-da-da-da.
Just like the angel you are. Rock about, baby, now you're asleep.
Ta-da-da-da-da, ta-da-da-da-da. play peek-a-boo with a star.
Waka-bye baby, when shall we see
Dreamland is not very far
Ah, da-da, ta-da-da-da, ta-da-da-da
Just like the angel you are
Waka-bye baby, now you're asleep
Ta-da, ta-da-da-da, ta-da-da-da
Go to sleep, sleep please
Go to sleep
Hey, Dean, listen to what the office is playing. They shouldn't do that.
Well, why not, Jerry?
Sounds like the Bob Hope Show.
I'm not sure.
It's like the Bob Hope Show.
Hey, Dick, Stabiel, hold it.
This is the Martin and Lewis Show starring those two sensational partners.
Bob Hope and Swan Soap.
Thank you.
Yes, sir, those two sensational partners.
Bob Hope and Swan Soap, the famous floater and the famous sinker.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here tonight to perform a very pleasant task.
As you must know by now, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are two young and very talented fellows whom NBC has adopted.
I'm sure they'll bring you many hours of top entertainment.
I'm sincerely honored to be here and welcome to the network the handsome, talented, gorgeous voice, Dean Martin.
Well, thanks, Bob, for all the wonderful compliments.
And his partner, Jerry Lewis.
Thanks, Bob.
And thanks, Bob, for I don't get no compliments.
Jerry, is that any way to talk to Bob after he comes all the way down here to wish us luck?
I think it's very swell of him.
Oh, it's nothing. I didn't have anything else to do this evening.
It's the Maid's Night Off.
But I know how it is when you're starting a new show.
It seems like only yesterday that I was worrying about my radio program.
In fact, it was only yesterday.
Well, we really appreciate this, Bob.
We figured we need plenty of help to succeed in Hollywood.
Oh, I'm sure you're going to be very successful, Dean.
Well, how about Jerry?
Yeah, how about that?
Oh, come on, Mr. Hope. Stop making with the jokes like that.
You promised you'd make us seem funny.
Well, don't worry about it, Jerry.
No comedian's ever going to top that top of yours.
Tell me, who does your hair? Are you bangy?
Nobody does it.
I just get out of bed and if I can't see anything, I know my hair is bald.
Well, Jerry can't help the way his hair looks, Bob.
You see, when his parents found him on the doorstep,
they threw him away and raised a fuller brush sample.
Now, that's hair, huh?
He looks like the boy with the green Brillo.
What's the matter with my hair? It's hair, ain't it?
Are you asking or telling?
I'm wondering.
Well, there's nothing wrong with it,
and it's just that you look like you're standing with your back to a high wind.
It just grows that way, and I'm not standing with my back to any high wind.
On the contrary.
Look, bebop, were you born or did your mother miss a question on truth or consequences?
Listen, what's wrong with it if I happen to like my hair rather short?
Rather short? What does the barber use, scissors or sandpaper?
The barber uses scissors, but he works from the inside.
And he sings, too, you know.
Can I go now?
Anytime.
That's all we can get with that. Go, it's all right.
Well, it just so happens I have to keep my hair short, Mr. Hope.
Every time I let it get any longer than this, my knees buckle.
It didn't pay.
Can I go now?
Well, I want to tell you, you boys are going to be working pretty hard from now on,
so Jerry, you've got to build up your strength.
What do you suggest, Mr. Hope?
Put something in your pot, boy.
Oh, Jerry will fill out when he gets a little older, Bob.
You know, he's not as old as some comedian.
Got another high wind here.
Don't look at me when you say that, you West Point victim-one.
You're looking at a man of 31, you know.
No laugh?
31, 31, 31.
He keeps doing it until he gets a good reading.
Wait a minute, Mr. Hope.
I saw your birth certificate and you're not 31.
Jerry.
Don't try to stop me, Dean.
The birth certificate said born in 1910 and this is 1949.
You're not 31, you're 35.
Thank you, Joel Kuperman.
Nice counting.
Did you hire an income tax man this year or are you leaving us soon?
See how young he is, Bob?
It was embarrassing when we were working at night clubs.
It was embarrassing?
Yes.
After we finished our act, Jerry would step up to the bar
and order three fingers of Meade's formula with a pablum chaser.
I know.
The other night he was on my show.
After every joke he told, I had to throw him over my shoulder and burp him.
Now listen, you two.
It's all right for you to stand there and vituperate my adolescence,
but I will have you know that Jerry Lewis is capable of exuding as much sophistry as anyone else.
Jerry.
Yes?
Your safety pin is unfastened again.
Yeah, and you can see the inside of your head.
Why, you fellas are just jealous because when I go over the paramount,
Jane Russell holds me on her knee.
What do you think she holds me?
Off.
You peaked.
You know, Bob, we envy you making pictures with all the big stars.
Did you have a hard time getting started in the show business?
Hard, Dean?
Yes.
You know, one time in New York I lived for six months on nothing but donuts.
Every time I'd ask an agent for a job I'd get so nervous I'd break out in powdered sugar.
Fortunately I had a partner who broke out in cold coffee.
Really, Bob, we'll always remember one thing though.
You were so wonderful to us when we first came to the paramount,
when we were poor and hungry,
while we couldn't even afford to split one of those 50 cent box lunches.
Oh, it was nothing.
Nothing? You call it nothing making us a special one for a quarter?
Well, I came out all right. I just used less swan soap in the salad.
Hey, you boys are making a movie now. How do you like acting, Jerry?
Oh, it's great, Bob. What scenes I have. What lines I deliver. What emotion I portray.
When one saint I say, one saint, saint.
Start over. It's tape.
Crosby starts ten times a night. Go ahead.
I'd better hurry. We'll be here till Christmas. All right.
Why, yes.
Not really. In one scene I say to the girl, Bob, I say,
The world may think of me as a nobody, but Wendelin, in your arms,
I'm a bird soaring up in the blue. I'm a flower pushing up my head through the soil.
I'm a moth floating helplessly into your burning flame.
Boy, that's emoting, isn't it? How do you like that, Bob?
Hello, Mort?
Jerry, tell me one thing.
What's that?
Are you for real?
Now, you just wait a minute, Mr. Hope. That's my line. I don't care if you are Bob Hope.
No comedian's supposed to steal another comedian's lines.
Okay, Runt. What are you going to do about it?
Hello, Mort?
Say, Bob, we'll show you in a picture. No kidding. With Dorothy the Morty
out of the night, it must be exciting working with her.
Oh, it's nothing, really. My Adam's apple ought to stop jumping any day now.
How about that scene where Dorothy was dancing the hula?
She started out slowly, but when she shifted into second, wow.
You should have seen the part they cut out. She was in overdrive.
You know, I bet that film is still flopping around on the cutting room floor.
I get the good ones.
I had one that I thought was pretty good, but you ruined it right now.
Would you mind trying your line once again?
All right. You know, I bet the film is still flopping around on the cutting room floor.
Yeah, only last week they finally beat it to death with a stick.
Thank you very much.
Say, by the way, fellas, I'm throwing a little reception for you guys tonight after your show.
Oh, a reception for us? You hear that, Jerry?
Yeah, can you get some girls, or is this too sudden?
Will be.
Oh, step all of us. Nothing at all.
Just a little bit.
Yeah, what? Would you mind?
You're not exactly seroton to me, you know.
Will you please read Lampshade Head?
No, I'm sorry. You can cut that line out too, I guess, too, huh?
Yes.
Oh, my.
Will be there, Bob. The kind of girls we know, nothing's too sudden. Bye.
Wait, I'll get my hat and go with you. And another thing, fellas, it's going to be a formal party.
It's formal?
Yeah, bring your own pool cue. It's really going to be a swell affair.
Sounds good, Bob. Are you going to have champagne? I get a straight line getting in here.
It's funny how those strange words came out, all right, you know.
I don't want you guys to get upset, but I don't like how well you're working together.
Don't worry, I could never match that hair. I'm having trouble growing it back here now.
Would you mind feeding me again, if you don't mind?
Sounds good, Bob. Are you going to serve champagne?
No, I couldn't get any champagne, so I'm serving 7-Up and Coke. Nobody will know the difference.
Wait a minute, Bob. No one would take 7-Up and Coke in preference to champagne?
I would, but I'm only 23 years old. What do I know?
This kid's really going to live tonight. At midnight, he'll be drinking Obleteen from Margaret O'Brien's slipper.
Well, it's awfully nice of you, Bob, to invite us. I'm sorry.
Please.
Well, I hope you folks are enjoying our career.
It's awfully nice. It's awfully nice. I'll get this line in yet, Bob.
I hope you have it right when you get your chance.
It's awfully nice of you to come over for our hour show.
Invite us to your party. Who's going to be there?
We'll need an hour to hatch this thing. Where are we?
You've got me confused. You've read every line in this page.
And after looking it over, you can have them.
I'll try this one.
May I ask you a question?
I didn't get your name.
Why not? I'm hoping to kill you, too. You might as well.
Step in, Jerry.
Jerry Colon. Listen, I just wanted to tell you fellas that the man in the control room is laughing, but he's burning.
We're very lucky if he's still with us, isn't he?
He could be nailed down. Go ahead.
This may put Mortimer out of business.
What did you say? I'm sorry, Dean. I didn't mean to ignore you.
I just said it's awfully nice.
You sing like mad, don't you? Where would you say it?
Right now I wish I were singing. Look, it's awfully nice of you, Bob, to invite us to your party. Now, who's going to be there?
I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there.
I love those lines where they go upstairs for the last row.
Goodbye.
Nothing like getting a fresh start.
I say, are you sure Avon Costello started this way?
Oh, hello there. We're doing a quartet now.
Bob, you're still talking, isn't that a doll? Who's going to be there? At the party.
Bob, they're going to do a lot of... Here we go. Here we go.
All right, let's go.
Well, I'll tell you. Why don't you read your line just for tape?
All right. Well, well, then. It's awfully nice of you, Bob, to invite us to our party. Who's going to be there?
Oh, I've asked lots of important people. The only thing is, does Jerry know how to act at a party?
Do I know how to act at a party? Why, once I'm in the back room of a barbershop...
Jerry!
Dad Libs, get more.
Mighty quiet here.
I'm only waiting for the cue. I'm not moving, brother.
Jerry, hold it.
Wouldn't it be funny if this was an audition?
Oh, CBS don't know how lucky they are.
I was only thinking, maybe Jerry will be a little raucous.
Raucous? Me? I'll never worry about Jerry Lewis being raucous. I'll make more noise than anyone there.
Look, steel wool head. I hope you understand I've invited big names, people of refinement and breeding and culture.
Oh, that's all right. Refinement and breeding and culture pour out of me like sweat off a horse's neck.
It sounds like a peeping...
You're going to pull another bladder, or are you through with that?
Anyone for me? I didn't do nothing.
Maybe when I'm in the business as long as you.
I doubt if you'll make it.
I'm trying.
You're a sweet boy, that's all.
Do you really think so?
I do. That's why I'm here. I'm not really after him.
Where are we? Where did we stop? You know...
I don't know if I should go after this line or not.
You know, he sounds like a peeping tom who got his peep caught in a small keyhole.
That's what I said. It's going to be...
It's going to be quite a party, I ask Cary Grant, Randy Scott, Barbara Hutton.
Barbara Hutton, the heiress? Will she be there?
Well, no, she can't make it, but there'll be several girls from her store.
Hey, Bob, really, I'd like to have a date with one of those big movie stars like Barbara Stanwyck, Elizabeth Scott or Diana Lynn.
You think you can fix me up?
Not enough.
Just a minute, Mr. Hope. There's just one thing I'd like to say to you.
Perhaps I don't look as good as some others with a physique, but it's arbitrary to me to fart pissing for anyone who knows persons that shouldn't have...
The cops are here.
Well, it was fun radio, wasn't it?
Those nightclubs are still going, boy.
Take it fresh, Jerry.
Just a minute, Mr. Hope. There's just one thing I'd like you to... It's too close to the paper.
I'd like you to know that people that have an opinion of someone that's got a physique like mine may not consider themselves more or less on the position that I am.
I've known many people that consider themselves, but not me. When I'm well enough to arbitrate, then I'm not sure enough.
Would you mind repeating that?
Say, never mind. I've got to go now. See you at the party tonight.
Well, okay. All kidding aside, it was nice of you, Bob, to come down and help us get started. We really appreciate it.
Well, we're talking this way, Bob. There's something Dean and I have been waiting... wanting to say to you for a long time.
What's that, Jerry?
Well, Bob, we don't know what we'd have done without you since we arrived in Hollywood.
You've always been willing to give us a helping hand when we lack courage and confidence.
There was always you to go to. We could confide in you. When we feel blue and all alone in the world, we could come to you without troubles.
And Bob...
Yeah?
You're the type of guy we've always wanted for a mother.