It's the new, the great, the different, the Martin & Lewis Show!
The National Broadcasting Company brings you the new Martin & Lewis Show!
Our guest tonight, Lucille Ball and featuring Eileen Woods, Flo McMichael, Dick Stabele and
his orchestra and starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis!
As you know ladies and gentlemen, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are two young men who overnight
have become the nation's comedy hit.
But let's get on with the show.
We take you now to the apartment of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis where we find the boys getting
ready, somewhat nervously, to go to the NBC studios for their first radio show.
There's a tree in the meadow with a stream drifting by.
Answer the phone Jerry, I'm tying my tie.
Okay Dean, there's a tree in the meadow with a stream drifting by.
I could never be a big singer like Crosby.
Well why not?
I sound too much like Dean.
Oh, it must be NBC again.
What cowards we are.
Why are we afraid to do our own radio show?
After all, how big an egg can we lay?
How big?
Well, if we took a large hen and got it to hold back for two years.
Alright Jerry, alright.
We've been acting like two frightened mice all day.
We've got an ironclad contract to do the show.
We gotta talk to NBC sometime.
You're right.
I'm not a frightened mouse.
Answer the phone.
Oh come on Jerry, you answer it.
Dean Martin, I will tell you why I will not answer the phone.
Indubitably, that is a call from NBC.
And it is indubitably they want to know where the H-E-C-K we are because they are spending
thousands and thousands of dollars and money to build a sensational comedy and musical
extravagance around us.
And if they think we are that important, why don't they call us?
Jerry, they are calling us.
Who else could it be besides NBC?
Well, it could be a wrong number, a quiz show.
Hey, a quiz show.
They give you money just for answering a few questions.
Give me that phone.
Hello, 1492 Marie Antoinette and sulfuric acid.
Ship the money.
Now come on Jerry, we gotta get down to NBC right away.
Let's go.
Dean.
Yeah?
I'm scared.
Look, we've done alright so far.
We shouldn't be afraid.
We did alright in nightclubs, didn't we?
Yeah, but those people paid ten dollar cover charge so they had to like us.
But at a radio show, the audience gets in free and at those prices, they can afford
to hate us.
Because there's nothing cheaper than something that doesn't cost very much.
I always say.
Indubitably, but come on Jerry, get dressed.
Okay, I should wear my new sport coat, which the man said was good for town or country
and just perfect for the beach.
What is it, gabardine?
No, wet sand.
Jerry, you're just Stalin.
That's impossible.
Stalin's a big man in Russia and Russia's a big country full of places like Valdastovostok.
And they laugh.
And the Niper and he's a big important man and if he thinks I'm impersonating him, he'll
get mad and come and get me and send me to Siberia and it's full of ice and snow and
sleet and Dean.
Yeah?
I'm cold.
Jerry, you and I are going to NBC and do that program.
What are you scared of?
When we played the Copacabana in New York, they laughed at us.
When we played the Shaperee in Chicago, they laughed at us.
And when we came out here and asked for a radio job, they laughed at us.
They didn't laugh at us.
They signed us up.
They want us.
Jerry, we got to do this radio show.
Who knows?
This could make us famous.
Yeah, famous.
We could even become important actors.
Yeah, important actors.
Our names in lights, celebrities, stars in pictures.
Yeah, names in lights, celebrities, stars in pictures.
I can see it all.
Big hits in nightclubs.
We're famous.
Everybody wants us.
Hal Wallace signed us for a Paramount picture.
NBC signed us for a radio show.
We flopped.
Nobody wants us.
Hal Wallace won't speak to us.
Paramount hates us.
We spend our savings.
We can't get work.
We're tramping the streets, starving.
We stop and press our noses against the bakery window.
Dean.
What?
I'm hungry.
Tell me, Jerry, did Whitaker Chambers ever hide any papers in your head?
Well, it ain't my fault.
I don't have my head with me all the time, you know.
Let's answer it.
Hello?
Hello.
Who is this speaking, please?
Jerry.
Jerry, you have to take the phone off of the hook.
Yeah, when did they do that?
Okay.
Hello?
Why aren't you guys down here at NBC?
They're going nuts down here.
Oh, it's a region.
Well, it's not your maiden ant in Minneapolis.
Everyone's waiting to do the program.
You guys are messing up the whole thing.
Now listen, I can explain everything.
Good.
Start with you.
Now listen, boys, don't ruin everything.
This radio show means a lot to us.
Your careers, my commission.
You think I don't care about the show?
I do.
After all, I gotta live too.
I can think of a loophole in that argument.
Oh, how you aggravate me.
Okay, Abby, we'll be right down there.
We can't leave yet, Jerry.
I gotta rehearse my number.
It's a romantic number.
I wish I had a girl to sing it to, you know, to get me in the mood.
I'll be a girl if you promise to respect me.
Sing to me.
I'm a great movie star and a princess of far off India.
Really?
What princess of India are you?
Rita Hayworth.
You're, you're Rita Hayworth, but you're not even on the road to being a princess of
India.
I'm not on the road, but I'm sure following the right alley.
See, the idea of this gag, see, the idea of this gag is that, well, alley is an alley
in the street, see, A-L-L-E-Y.
But when you say alley, A-L-I, that's like the prince that is gonna marry Rita Hayworth.
It's all combined into one joke, and it's so funny, this kind of, look how they're staring
at me.
See, Dean?
Everybody, everybody, everybody, everybody.
See, Dean, everybody hates me.
Ah, Jerry, relax.
Have faith in me.
We'll do all right on the radio show.
That's all right for you to say, but I haven't thought up any jokes to tell the people.
Oh, you'll think of something.
What about me?
I haven't even rehearsed my song.
I don't even know if I'm in good voice.
Well, go ahead, sing.
Give yourself a clue.
Oh, you won't be satisfied till you break my heart.
You're never satisfied till a tear drops down.
I've tried to shower you with love and kisses.
But all I ever get from you is nagging and bragging,
But pull out a second the way you toss my heart around.
A crying shame.
Well I'll bet you wouldn't like it if I did the same.
You're only happy tearing all my dreams apart.
You won't be satisfied till you break my heart.
Oh, you won't be satisfied till you break my heart.
You're never satisfied till a tear drops down.
I've tried to shower you with love and kisses.
But all I ever get from you is nagging and bragging,
But pull out a second the way you toss my heart around.
It's a crying shame.
Well I'll bet you wouldn't like it if I did the same.
You're only happy tearing all my dreams apart.
You won't be satisfied until you break my heart.
Dean, I know you want my opinion of your rendition
and I cannot tell a lie, it was magnificent.
Oh well, come on, let's go.
Oh, not so fast.
Let me take a look at you first.
Stand up.
Wash your hands.
Yes, partner.
Wash your face.
Yes, sir.
Behind your ears.
Look, I'm just going to a broadcast.
I'm not going to get married.
Anyway, what about you?
Did you bathe?
Well of course, I take a bath every day.
You take a bath every day?
Well of course.
Oh Dean, I'm so unworthy of you.
Now you talk like that, what do people think?
When was the last time you took a bath?
In a tub?
Yes.
With soap?
Yes.
With water?
Yes.
Oh Dean, I'm so unworthy of you.
Oh let's get out of this apartment and go to NVC.
Who is it?
It's the maid.
I have to come in and clean the apartment.
Well okay, come on in, we're just leaving anyway.
Gee, look at the load of equipment she's carrying.
I never saw such a stack of stuff in my life.
Here, let me help you before you drop it, miss.
I can put it down myself, thank you.
Now let me help you with the other arm full.
Oh my goodness, just look at the condition of this room.
Huh?
What's the matter with it?
It's clean.
Well that's a break for you then, you have no work to do.
I don't have any work to do.
That's fine.
I'm the maid and I'm supposed to clean the apartments every day.
And if your apartment isn't dirty then I don't have to clean it.
And if I don't have to clean your apartment I won't have anything to do for a half hour.
So I'll go out in the hall and I'll light a cigarette and the manager will smell the
smoke and he'll come up to me and he'll say, what are you doing smoking a cigarette in
the hall?
And I'll say, I haven't anything to do right now.
And he'll say, why aren't you cleaning the apartments?
And I'll say, I didn't have to clean the apartments.
And he'll say, oh you don't have to clean the apartments, hon.
He'll get mad and fire me and all because your apartment is clean.
It's people like you that cause unemployment.
Miss, there's one thing I don't understand.
What's that?
Are you for real?
Miss, we're not trying to get you fired.
Do the best you can.
We have to leave.
Come on, Jory, let's go.
Okay.
Miss, I'm sorry.
Oh my goodness.
Now what?
There's a discrepancy in the bathroom.
A what?
One of you has to get married.
The tiles say his and hers and you're a his and his.
Okay, okay, look, just put in two his's.
That'll fix it.
Oh, it's not as simple as that.
If I give you another his then I'll have an extra hers.
And at the end of the week I'll have 148 his's and 149 hers's.
Miss, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
And at the end of the week I'll have 148 his's and 149 hers's.
And the manager won't know why there's more hers's than his's because he doesn't know
how many he's's and she's's there in the building anyway.
Okay, take all the towels out.
All of them.
From now on we'll dry on newspapers.
Well, the next thing on my list is dusting.
I'll start with a dresser.
Don't touch that bottom drawer.
Why not?
Because that's where I keep my kittens.
Hey, not the top drawer either.
What's in the top drawer?
Catnip.
Well, what's to prevent the cats in the bottom drawer from going up to the top drawer and
eating the catnip?
In the middle drawer, bulldogs.
My, you're odd people.
We ain't odd.
We're entertainers.
We're Martin and Lewis and we got a radio show to do in a few minutes.
Oh, you're on the radio.
What do you do?
Well, one of us is a singer.
And the other guy's the funniest comedian you ever heard.
Tells big jokes, kills the people, gets big laughs.
Witch is witch.
Well, come on, Jerry.
Let's go to NBC.
Stand in line, folks, for the Martin and Lewis show.
The line will move inside the studio in a few moments.
Come on, Miranda.
Stand in line over here.
Well, all right, but I don't understand, Henrietta.
Who are Martin and Lewis?
Well, my goodness, where have you been, Miranda?
Well, they're famous.
Oh.
My husband was the conductor on the train they came out here on and he heard that the
greatest entertainers New York ever saw were Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.
Who told your husband that, Henrietta?
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.
Pardon me, ladies.
Can you tell me how to get into the Martin and Lewis show?
Oh, stand behind us, young man, and we'll get the best seats.
You know, we always come to see these new comedians the very first week because
usually they don't last for a second week.
They don't, huh?
Well, you don't know Martin and Lewis.
They're the best comedians in the world and I say that for two reasons, red and
butter.
You know, I'm anxious to see that handsome Dean Martin.
You know, Miranda.
That Dean Martin is just the whole show as far as I'm concerned.
He really has talent.
Now, wait a minute, lady.
It takes two to make a team, you know.
It takes two to make a team, Martin and Lewis.
That's the team.
They've got to stick together.
That's the way it is with any team.
Without Fibber, where would Molly be?
Without Kaiser, where would Fraser be?
And without Earl Warren, where would, uh, what was that guy's name again?
Okay, Jerry, I parked the car.
Hey, what are you doing in this line?
Oh, Dean Martin!
Hello, ladies.
Isn't he handsome?
What are you going to sing tonight, Mr. Martin?
I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China.
It's a deal.
Get the tickets and I'll meet you at the dock.
Come on, Jerry.
Let's go into the studio here.
Let's go into the studio here, Jerry.
Gee, look at all the people in here, Dean.
I'm scared.
Here's Dean Martin.
I'm your producer, Mr. Martin.
I'm your director, Mr. Martin.
I'm your patty, Mr. Martin.
I'm your singer, Mr. Martin.
What am I, the Larry Parks of this outfit?
Oh, be quiet, Jerry.
I've got to rehearse.
Oh, now I've got to be quiet.
You're a big star, a big man.
You're too important for me.
My tongue got in the way of my eye, too, that I couldn't see what I was saying.
You're just too important for me.
Well, I don't need a house to fall on me.
Goodbye, pal.
I won't be a drag on you.
I'm sorry it had to end like this.
We had a lot of good times together, even if I always did have to take the ugly ones.
Oh, Jerry.
Jerry, your feelings are just hurt, that's all.
Oh, my feelings ain't hurt.
I'm happy.
I can laugh.
I'll never forget you, Dean.
You go on without me.
And good luck, old pal.
I won't ever be jealous of your success.
When you're a big star and run over me in your big imported car, I'll still be happy.
I'll just lay there and think, gee, Vogue tires.
Well, I'll go now.
You people don't want me here.
I'll be seeing you.
Oh, poor Jerry.
Why do you let him go away like that?
Oh, Jerry will be all right.
Let's rehearse.
And now I would like to present one of Hollywood's most glamorous stars, currently gracing your neighborhood screens in Sorrowful Jones,
a charming actress who gracefully combines the talents of a leading lady and comedian.
Now, listen here, Dean Martin.
Don't you say anything nice about me, you big bully.
You monster.
I'll have you know that I'm not...
Wait a minute.
Why, you are Lucille Ball.
But what's the matter, Lucille?
Don't act like you don't know.
You've got some nerve, Dean Martin, asking me to come down here and be a guest on your radio program
after the way you beat up that sweet, adorable little Jerry Lewis.
Why, if I weren't a perfect lady, I'd slug you.
The idea of beating up that darling, cute, lamby pie.
Me?
Yes, you, Dean Martin.
Well, Jerry, hey, where'd he go?
He's behind me where he'll be safe.
He's not going to stay out here where you can knock him down again.
Knock him down?
Yes, and kicking him and throwing dirt in his face and trying to drive your car over him.
I did that?
Say, Lucille, he admits it.
Oh, I get it. Jerry told you that story.
Yes, he did.
I never met anyone so contemptible as you in my whole life.
How could you treat Jerry that way?
He's so darling and so cute.
You forgot lamby pie.
Just exactly what did Jerry tell you I did to him?
He told me the whole story.
It's incredible to me that you could pick on a little fella like that when you have such a grand physique.
I mean, when you're so much bigger than he is with all those great, big, powerful muscles.
You, you, big.
Yes.
And the things you called him.
It's just hard to imagine names like that being spoken by you.
Why, you have that wonderful, soft, caressing voice.
Yes.
Lucille, hey, Lucille.
Will you stop tugging at my skirt?
I just wanted you to know I'm still here.
Louis is the name. Jerry Lewis, they call me.
Don't stop, Lucille. Tell them off. Good.
All right.
You're right. Dean Martin, how could you have slugged poor Jerry when you look so, so handsome with those soft eyes and long, long lashes?
Yes.
Hey, Lucille.
Shut up, you little schnook.
Schnook. Me schnook.
The idea telling those awful fibs about this darling, cute, lamby pie, Dean Martin, I ought to turn you over my knee and spank you.
Dean, Dean.
Yes.
Dean, are you going to stand there and let her talk to me like that?
Yes.
But really, he isn't bad at all, Lucille. In fact, he's a very nice guy. In fact, he's a wonderful guy.
Why, Jerry is the important half of our act. He's the talent.
Why, he's the one who gets all the laughs. He's the one the critics rave about.
He's the one that people love.
Oh, what a ham.
Well, it's sure nice of you to come down tonight and help us get our first show started, Lucille.
I figured we need plenty of advice here in Hollywood.
Come on, snap out of it.
Dean, I'm sure you're going to be very successful.
Well, how about Jerry?
Yeah, how about that?
You'll see, I'm going to be a big star. When I make my first picture, I'll be sensational. I'll be, well, you do think I'll be a picture star, don't you, Lucille?
Why not? Lassie made it.
If you're going to make fun of me, I'll quit the show. I'll give, I'll give, I'll give...
I'll give Dean all the money we've saved and I'll go home and lock myself in a closet, kick my heels and hold my breath until I die.
And if you want to know why I do these things, it's because, listen...
Well, don't get too desperate, Jerry. Look, I have planned a little party for you and Dean after the show. Lots of important people will be there.
Well, that's wonderful, Lucille.
Well, the only thing, Dean, does Jerry know how to act at a party?
Do I know how to act at a party? Why, one time in the back room of a barbershop...
Jerry!
Hold it.
You see what I mean?
Miss Ball.
Miss Ball, Mr. Martin, I would like to inform you that Gerald Lewis, when attempting a social event, attending a social event...
It's too close to the paper. What do you want?
Miss Ball and Mr. Martin, I'd like to inform you that Gerald Lewis, when attending a social event, always conducts himself with complacent, elegant simplicity, utterly devoid of ostentation.
Jerry Lewis, where did you get words like that?
Don't ask me. I'm just as surprised as you are.
Gee, I hope there's a girl there for me. Lucille, I like them about my height.
Well, let's see now. Betty Grable will be there.
And of course, I like them about my age.
Uh-huh. Well, Anne Blythe will be there.
And I like them to be of my intelligence.
Sorry, Margaret O'Brien can't stay out that late.
Jerry, I hope you understand. I've invited important people. People of refinement, breeding, culture.
Don't worry about me. Refinement and breeding and culture pour out of me like sweat off a horse's neck.
Lucille, don't worry. I'll guarantee Jerry.
Well, I don't know. I'm afraid he'll be a little raucous.
Raucous? Me? Don't ever worry about Jerry Lewis being raucous. I'll make more noise than anyone there.
Now, Lucille, if you'll just tell us the address of the party. And by the way, Lucille, shall we dress?
Naturally. We don't want the cops.
Oh, the party sounds like it'll be a lot of fun, Lucille. And I'm sure we'll know exactly what to do.
Sure. We've been educated. You know, I worked my way through Harvard.
What?
Well, he did stumble his way through high school.
He looks more like he had to shoot his way out of kindergarten.
I'm really looking forward to this, Lucille.
Well, my house isn't one of those elaborate Hollywood mansions, Dean.
Oh, there's one thing, Jerry. If we decide to go in for a dip, be sure you don't go in the servant swimming pool.
I'm sorry to butt in, but we go on the air in 30 seconds.
Okay, fine. Are you nervous, Jerry?
Me? Nervous?
20 seconds.
I'll be all right. I'll kill the people.
15 seconds.
Just let me at them.
10 seconds.
I'll fracture them.
5 seconds. 4 seconds. 3, 2...
I'll pulverize them.
The Martin and Lewis show is on the air.
Go ahead, Jerry. Start talking.
Yes, sir. A very funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio.
Well, come on, Lucille. Help me hold Jerry up and we'll do the song.
Okay. Up we go.
Up we go.
If you got it, you don't need it.
If you need it, you don't got it.
You don't get it. Shame on you.
Funny, funny, funny what money can do.
Ask the rich man he'll confess.
Money can't buy happiness.
Ask a poor man he don't doubt.
But he'd rather be miserable with and without.
I love life and I want to live. I love life and I say...
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
Yeah, but I love life.
I know, but you don't have to spoil it for the rest of us.
If you spend it, please be wiser.
If you save it, you're a miser.
If you don't want it, you're a coco.
Funny, funny, funny what money can do.
Gee, it's good to be home in bed.
And Dean, I'm sorry I messed up our radio program tonight.
Ah, forget it, Jerry. It's past midnight.
Better get some sleep. Good night.
Good night.
Who could that be? What do you want?
It's me, the maid.
I'm sorry, but you'll have to get out of those beds.
Get out of bed? Why?
Well, you see, those beds are six by three beds.
And this afternoon I made a mistake and I put on seven by four sheets.
And if I put the wrong sheets on your beds, the manager will say to me...
Look, miss, if I get up, I'll start walking the floor.
And if I start walking the floor, I'll get into a bad humor.
And when I go to NBC tomorrow, they'll say,
Jerry Lewis, why did you faint on your radio program?
And I'll say, who could help but fading?
I was excited. And they'll say, oh, talking back, eh?
I guess you don't want to go on the radio very bad.
And I'll say, and they'll say, and they'll fire me.
It's people like you that cause unemployment.
Good night, everybody. Good night, folks.
You've just heard the new Martin & Lewis show.
If you enjoyed them, tune in again each Sunday night at the same time.
And next week our guest will be Bob Hope.
This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.