It's the Martin & Lewis Show!
A national broadcasting company brings you transcribe the new Martin & Lewis Show.
Our guest tonight, William Bendix, and featuring Flo McMichael, the Martin Gales, Michael Roy,
Dick Stabele and his orchestra, and starring Dean Martin, and Jerry Lewis.
You don't have no music for classical singing?
Now Jerry...
Well it's not my fault, the orchestra can't play what I sing.
Well of course they can't play what you sing.
What is that?
Who sings like this?
Well what was that?
Well I know what it is, I made it up.
You made it up when?
This morning I was singing in the shower and suddenly the water turned cold and I went
zi bi bi bi ahhh!
And I made it up!
Alright Jerry, I wish you'd stop trying to horn in on my singing.
Horn in?
Me?
Look here Dean Martin, I'm just as important in this team as you are.
You're the one who grabs the spotlight, always trying to be a big man and push me out.
I'm getting sick of it, do you hear?
Sick sick sick sick sick sick sick!
Do you hear?
And Dean?
What?
I think I got a fever.
Okay Jerry, you got your laugh, now step back and just let me sing.
Okay Dean, what are you gonna, what numbers are you gonna be?
Well it's a romantic number and I really ought to have a pretty girl to sing it to, you know,
sort of get me in the mood.
I'll be a girl if you promise to respect me.
You won't be satisfied till you break my heart.
You're never satisfied till a teardrop starts.
I tried to shower you with love and kisses.
But all I ever get from you is nagging, bragging, but poor heart a-sagging.
The way you toss my heart around, oh crying shame.
Well I'll bet you wouldn't like it if our hearts were the same.
You're only happy tearing all my dreams apart.
You won't be satisfied till you break my heart.
Oh you won't be satisfied till you break my heart.
You're never satisfied till a teardrop starts.
I tried to shower you with love and kisses.
But all I ever get from you is nagging, bragging, but poor heart a-sagging.
The way you toss my heart around, oh crying shame.
Well I'll bet you wouldn't like it if our hearts were the same.
You're only happy tearing all my dreams apart.
You won't be satisfied until you break my heart.
Yes folks, it's that new comedy team, Dee Martin and Jerry Lewis, who last week broadcast their first radio show over NBC.
We find them now still somewhat dazed and awed by it all, sitting in their apartment, poring over their newspaper reviews and fan mail.
Hey Veney, did you read what it says about us in this paper?
What does it say, Jerry?
All the columns said you were great in this newspaper clipping. Just listen to what this critic says about me.
Jerry Lewis is one of our newer comedians, and in my opinion, he's a very funny and had a nose.
Oh, and he's a very, very, wow.
Oh my God.
Well, what did he say?
He thought I was awful.
Oh Jerry, snap out of it. It's just one man's opinion.
But how could he think I was so bad? I'm loaded with talent.
Gee, I can tell poems like, there was an old man named McGill who ran up and down every hill.
When someone inquired, don't that make you feel tired? He said, nah.
And I can tell jokes. On the way to the studio tonight, I met a botanist.
Really Jerry, a botanist? What does a botanist do?
He shows on buttons.
And I can do imitations too. A seal.
Girl seal.
Boy and girl seal.
And I can sing too.
Give me the road, the wide whining highway, that's where I'll throw the beat, no byway.
I'll travel along.
Jerry.
You know something Dean?
What?
The critic was right.
Look Jerry, forget what the critic said.
No Dean, I'm only in your way. You should have a classy looking partner instead of me.
Look at me, skinny, undernourished, homely, awkward, slumped over, no chest. I'm a mess.
No Jerry, you're not a mess. Why, you're handsome, well, you're manly, you're fascinating.
You know, I never realized what a mess you really are.
But Jerry, this is all unimportant. The important thing is right now we've got to figure out who we can get for our guests this week.
It's not so tough. We got Bob Hope last week.
Don't forget, Bob Hope did us a big favor. He came on for free. After all, Gregory Peck, Ronald Coleman, and all those big stars, they get $5,000 for a guest appearance.
Five thousand? How much have we got to spend?
Well, I got about eight bucks.
I got 35 cents.
Well, there's only one thing to do. Call up Bob Hope again.
Or maybe we can persuade some other big star to do us a favor too.
No, these big stars are hard to find Jerry. They have private phone numbers, big walls around their houses, and they're always going out of town to get away from it all.
I don't care how big they are. I can find them. I have a system. I have a system I used one time when I was trying to find our old Flynn.
Yeah, what'd you do?
Well, I just said, now if I were our old Flynn, where would I go? And I went there.
Well, Jerry, did you find him?
No, but I sure had fun.
Oh, I forgot, Dean. We got a telegram this morning.
Telegram? Let's see it.
Listen to this, Jerry. Our problems are all solved. Here's what it says.
Heard your first show. Congratulations. Very anxious to be your guest star this week. Important reason. Will explain when I see you. Signed, William Bendix.
Gee, William Bendix. He's a big star. Why would he want to be on our show?
It says P.S. for money, of course. What else?
I wonder what Mr. Bendix meant by saying it was important.
Come on, Dean. Let's go down to NBC and we can ask him.
Not so fast. Let me take a look at you first. Stand up. You wash your hands?
Yes, partner.
Wash your face?
Yes, sir.
Behind your ears?
Look, I'm just going to a broadcast. I'm not going to get married.
Anyway, what about you? Did you bathe?
Well, of course. I take a bath every day.
You take a bath every day?
Well, of course.
Oh, Dean, I'm so unworthy of you.
Well, let's go, Jerry. Come in. Who is it?
It's the maid. I wanted to ask you for a job.
You want to ask us for a job? What kind of a job?
Well, now that you have your radio show, I thought you might need a secretary.
I've been going to secretarial school for six months and I just graduated.
But we don't need a secretary, miss.
You don't need a secretary. That's fine. Here, I go to school and I buy papers and books and pencils
and I learn to be a secretary. Now you don't need a secretary.
So I won't have anything to do so I'll go out in the hall and sit down.
The manager will come up to me and he'll say,
What are you doing loafing in the hall?
I'll say, I'm not loafing. And he'll say, Oh, talking back to the boss.
Now say, I'm not talking back. And he'll say,
Don't raise your voice to me. And I'll say something nasty to him.
And he'll fire me and all because you don't need a secretary.
It's people like you that cause unemployment.
Well, maybe we can try you out for typing scripts or something.
All right. Okay. You're hired.
Now, just a minute.
Now what's the matter?
I'm not going to be rushed into anything.
I want to think it over for a while.
All right. Here, miss. Take this page and make six copies on the typewriter.
Typewriter? What's a typewriter?
You're a secretary and you don't know what a typewriter is?
No, but I'm willing to learn. Well, what is it?
Well, listen closely. A typewriter is a thing you put on a desk and it's black.
Only sometimes it's blue. And once in a while they're red.
And you put a piece of paper in the thing up there.
And on the front, it's got those little things we're printing on them that you hit.
Tap, tap, tap until a little bell rings. Bing!
That's a typewriter.
Well, miss, do you want to try out as our secretary or don't you?
Well, first I have to make sure that you two are perfect gentlemen.
Could you give me any references?
References? Look, lady, we're hiring you.
And I want you to know that any sinuation about our character is strictly derogatory on your part
because people that know well enough are known that a gentleman knows his place.
Whether or not it's forbidden, maybe a man just doesn't pause long enough to know whether he feels right from wrong.
But I'm sure that anyone that isn't right will continue to say so.
Come on, Jerry, let's go. We'll see you later, miss.
Suppose you were Uncle Sam and you wanted everyone, for the good of himself and his country, to buy United States savings bonds.
Would you appeal to a man's desire for security, to his responsibility to his children?
Just how would you sell yourself savings bonds?
Well, answer that and then go out and invest in United States savings bonds for whatever reason you may have for saving.
Your family's security, a college education for your children, or a vacation, a trip, a home, new furniture, a daughter's trousseau.
Those are all good reasons for having money put away.
There's no better way to save your money than in United States savings bonds.
They pay you back $4 in just 10 years for every three you invest.
Buy United States savings bonds.
Isn't this wonderful, Jerry? A couple of weeks ago we came to Hollywood and we were nobodies.
Remember how impressed we were with this big NBC building?
Yeah, come on, let's go in.
I wonder where we can find William Bendix.
Shh, Jerry, not so loud.
All the doors along this corridor lead to studios where radio programs are rehearsing.
Oh, okay, Dean. I'll just peek in this first door. Maybe Mr. Bendix will be in here.
Ah, shoo! Ah, shoo! Ah, shoo!
Hey, Dean, what show was that?
Pepper Young.
William Bendix wouldn't be in there.
Here, let's try this next studio.
Hey, this is a bright one. Look at all the light.
Please, please, there's a television show going on in here.
But I thought...
I don't care what you thought. Now get out of here.
Now listen!
And take your puppet with you.
Why, I ought to go back in there and hit him right in his nose calling me a puppet. I ought to...
Jerry, Jerry, quiet or I'll drop your strings.
Now let's look in this dressing room here, Jerry.
Okay, Dean.
What was that noise?
Well, Phil Harris is still...
Phil Harris is still what?
Nothing. It's Phil Harris is still...
Now, Jerry, we're not doing so good on this side of the hall. Let's try the other side.
Son of a gun! Son of a gun! Son of a gun! Son of a gun!
Who was that?
President Truman rehearsing his next speech.
Well, it's no use, Jerry. We'll never find William Bendix this way.
Oh, yoo-hoo!
Yoo-hoo!
What's that?
Hello there.
Huh?
Could I take a minute of your time? Hmm?
You could use my head to crack walnuts.
Hey, Dean, Dean, this lady is a siren, isn't she? Wow!
A siren? Wow, she's the whole fire engine.
Dean Martin, you are Dean Martin, aren't you? The singer?
Yes, but...
Hey, he's Dean Martin, the singer, and I'm Jerry Lewis, the comedian.
Well, two big handsome men. Well...
Two handsome men? She must be looking at me twice.
Oh, Mr. Martin, I've got a lot of wonderful new songs for you to sing on your program.
I'm a song plugger. I get people to sing songs on the air. I write a lot of the songs myself.
Hey, here's a terrific new number I just finished. It's called
Tumbling Along Through the Tumbling Tumbleweeds by the Alamo Along the Rio Grande
Where the Buffalo Roam by the Old Corral on the Texas Plains.
It's a western type tune.
A western type tune.
Well, bust my britches.
Bust them? Look, Skinny, you're doing well to keep them up.
Keep them up, yeah.
Look, Miss, I write songs too.
Oh, you do?
Sure. Last year I had a big hit. It was called
I'm Head Over Heels in Love and I Look Better That Way.
Yeah, and he's working on a new one. Malcolm Malcolm, Pastor Talcom, You're the chap for me.
Well, I've also got a song done in a modern Shakespearean rhythm.
Yeah, what's it called?
To Be Bop or Not to Be Bop.
Sounds intriguing. How does it go?
Well, I'll sing it for you.
Oodle-ee-oo-coo-coo-ah-ah Oodle-ee-oo-coo-coo-coo-ah-ah
Miss. Miss.
Miss.
Yes?
Are you for real?
Miss, we really have to leave. I tell you what, if I promise to sing one of your songs on the air, will you let us go?
Alright, I'll be waiting. Goodbye.
Now, Dean Martin sings Far Away Places.
Far away places with strange sounding names, far away over the sea.
Far away places with strange sounding names, are calling, calling me.
Going to China or maybe science, I want to see for myself.
Those far away places I've been reading about in a book that I took from Michelle.
I start getting restless whenever I hear the whistle of a train.
I pray for this day I can get underway and look for those castles in Spain.
They call me a dreamer, well maybe I am, but I know that I'm burning to see.
Those far away places with strange sounding names, calling, calling me.
Let's try this studio.
Okay, but we better go quietly. The red broadcasting light is on.
And don't forget, ladies and gentlemen, to listen again next week to the life of Riley starring William Bendix.
Jerry, here he comes off stage.
Yeah. Hey, Mr. Bendix, we want to see you.
You said you were very anxious to be on our program.
Oh, yeah, I am. Come on to my dressing room and I'll tell you what's on my mind.
Now, before we start discussing terms, let me get you two straight. Now, which is which?
Well, I'm Dean Martin, the singing half the team.
Oh, good. Well, I won't have to laugh at you.
And I'm Jerry Lewis.
I'm the funny half of the team.
I tell the jokes.
With a kisser like that, you got to tell jokes too.
Wait a minute, Mr. Bendix. What's wrong with the way I look?
Do you always comb your hair like that?
Well, Jerry's head is a little unusual, you see. It's higher in the back than it is in the front and it tilts down so the hair grows that way.
Yeah. Yeah, it looks like a load of coal sliding out of a dump truck.
Hey, I didn't like that. Come on outside and say that.
Yeah, why should I?
Because there might be someone out there that didn't hear it.
Now, Jerry, take it. He's a really big old Jerry's a swell guy.
Oh, sure, sure. I know that. I was only kidding. I know he's a swell guy.
You're just saying that to make me feel good.
That's right.
Jerry didn't mean anything, Bill. We both admire you very much.
You know, we're going to make a picture. My friend Irma over at Paramount and our producer, Hal Walls, suggested we get some acting advice from you.
Well, it's hard work, fellas. You got to give up pleasure, give up dancing and smoking and gambling and even girls. You think you can do it, Dean?
Well, I'll certainly try, but what about Jerry?
Well, with him it's a little harder. We have to undo the theory of evolution.
Listen here, I'm just as far away from the apes as you guys. I just took a shortcut.
Well, we should be glad to have you, Bill.
Yeah, and we've had some of the top men in the business as our guests.
Well, look, you just started last week and your guest was Bob Hope. What do you mean you had some of the top men? Bob Hope isn't two people.
Have you ever tried to add Lib with him?
Let's get to the point, fellas. What are you paying for guest stars, huh?
Well, we have a novelty show and since NBC wanted us to do something different in radio, we're not paying anything.
Well, that's a little too different, don't you think?
But Bill, remember, you can't take it with you.
Well, I can. I'm only going as far as the bank.
Well, after all, Bill, what's money between friends? Money is so crass and crude and common and vulgar.
Yeah, so from now on, let's continue this discussion on a high intellectual plane. Intellectual, yeah. Shall we?
Yeah, okay.
But when you come to money, you'll still be talking to a bum.
Well, that's all right. We'll be talking about bum money. Nothing, huh?
You see, the ladies and gentlemen don't seem to understand. You see, Bill Bendix said something about bum and the money.
He wanted it so it'd be a bum and Dean said bum money. It was more or less like a joke.
And whenever we have money in a script, Dean always says this joke and people laugh.
They scream it's so funny and look how they're staring at me.
Well, I don't understand why you're making such a fuss about money, Bill.
In your telegram, you sounded like you were anxious to be on our show.
Yeah, well, I had something in mind. I'll tell you. I'll come on your program and for free on just one condition.
Oh, we just got to have you, Bill. We'll do anything.
Yeah, anything.
Absolutely.
Well, I'm starting a campaign to play handsome romantic parts on the screen.
All you got to do is introduce me as a very handsome guy. See, a matinee. A great lover type, see?
Bye.
Bye.
Wait a minute.
Hey.
Well, look, fellas, you got to help me.
In my next picture, the garbage collector murder case, Paramount wants me to play the detective who doesn't get the girl.
Real rough and tumble guy with no feminine appeal, eh?
I don't know, Bill. Truthfully, I don't think anyone would believe you as a great lover on the screen.
I would.
You would, Sherry?
Sure, but I'm only 23 years old. What do I know?
Well, look, fellas, they're going to give the romantic lead in this picture to Ray Milan if we don't do something.
I'm perfect for the lover type. Let's face it.
Who is it?
It's me.
Hey, it's the maid from our apartment.
Yes, you told me to type up this page, so I thought I'd... Oh, William Bendix.
Look out, catch her somebody. She's going to faint.
Stand back, stand back.
What are you going to do?
I want to watch her fall. This is the first time I ever swooned a dame.
Well, I'm not going to faint. I'm just weak from the thrill of being so close to you.
Your beautiful golden hair, your gorgeous eyes, your wonderful soft voice.
Bring her out of it. Slap her face.
You touch that girl and I'll break your arm.
I feel weak. Everything seems hazy and blurred. It looks like a load of coal sliding down a dump truck.
Sherry, get out of there!
Well, this settles it. Paramount's been telling me I'm not a great lover type. You saw what I just did to that girl.
Give me that phone.
Attaboy, Bill. Here.
Yeah, give it here.
I'll quit running out of time. Hurry.
Hello, Paramount. Give me the casting director.
Hello, Mr. Michael John. This is Errol Bendix talking.
You know that next picture of mine, the garbage collector murder case?
Well, I just called to tell you that I'm going to play the Ray Milan part.
And I don't want any... What gives me the idea? I can.
Here's a very good reason. I just swooned today. I'm in cold blood.
Yeah, me. No, absolutely not. I never touch the stuff.
Bill, Bill, let me talk to him. Maybe I can reason with him.
Hello, Mr. Michael John. You heard what Mr. Bendix said and that's final.
He wants to play the star in the garbage collector murder case.
No, he don't want to play the detective.
Really? You will? Ah, ha, hey, ah.
Okay, goodbye.
What happened, Jerry? Am I going to play the romantic lead?
Well, no. Ray Milan's still going to play that.
Oh. Well, I'm still the detective then, huh?
No, they're going to put Alan Lad in that part.
Well, then what am I going to play?
You're the garbage collector.
What a revolting development this is.
And Dean, I think we're two of the luckiest guys in the whole world, don't you?
Ah, Jerry, it's three o'clock in the morning. Stop talking and go to sleep.
Okay, Dean, I'll stop talking.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Dean. Yeah?
I know I shouldn't laugh. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
But I can't help thinking of poor William Bendix driving that trash collection truck.
You think it was my fault he got that part?
Jerry, for the last time, I've got to get some sleep.
We've got to be at the studio at seven o'clock in the morning. Now, keep quiet.
Okay, Dean.
Now what?
Somebody outside!
Yeah, and I'm going to find out who it is.
Hey, what's going on down there?
What do you think's going on? I'm rehearsing.
And we're also listening at this same time for the Barton and Lewis Show.
Thank you, and I hope you all have a good night.