We must get a big laugh Jerry make a funny face
It's the Martin and Lewis show
The national broadcasting company brings you transcribed from New York the Martin and Lewis show our guest tonight Arthur Treacher and
Featuring Flo McMichael Dexter Beale and his orchestra and starring Dean Martin I
Am in the mood for love
Simply because you're near me funny, but when
And Jerry Lewis
You say you're in the mood for love well love is life and life is love I love life and love life's leave look
I'll be alright
Candy Kisses
Candy Kisses wrapped in paper mean more to you
Than any of mine
Candy Kisses
Wrapped in paper
You'd rather have them
Well in the old time
You don't mean it
When you whisper
Those sweet love words
In my ear
Candy Kisses
Wrapped in paper mean more to you
Than mine do dear
You did that last week you don't mean it when you whisper
Those sweet love words
In my ear
Candy Kisses
Wrapped in paper
Mean more to you
Than mine do dear
Than mine do dear
Well folks today Vogue magazine is sending over a lady reporter to do a story about Dean and Jerry
Since it promises to be the most important publicity break the boys have ever had they're pretty excited
Right now they're fixing up their little apartment so they can make a good impression during the interview
Alright come on Jerry get busy get busy
Get busy I'm working like a beaver dusting this furniture
I know you're working like a beaver but couldn't you do it faster with your hands?
I hope you're gonna comb your hair before the lady from Vogue gets here
Well before I combed it this morning
You combed it this morning did you?
Sure it was very profitable too I found three marbles and 48 cents in change
Stand aside Jerry I gotta hang this picture and now give me a nail
Okay here
Thanks
Haven't we got any shorter nails?
Now we have to hang the picture Dean the plaster all came down on the floor
Yeah well hand me the picture
Okay boy this is the most realistic picture of Whistler's mother I ever saw
It's almost lifelike isn't it?
Stop jiggling sonny you'll toss me out of my rocking chair
Ah Jerry quit with the imitations we've got to work or do some work here
Yeah let's really fancy up the place
Hey Jerry I just noticed how you decorated the kitchenette it's very pretty with those little strawberries all over the walls and ceiling
Thanks but don't touch them they're still wet
Well what did you do paint them on with a brush?
Nope I just held a bottle of ketchup smacked the bottom part and let the splash take it from there
Well this Vogue reporter can't say our apartment isn't in good taste that is unless she hates ketchup
Oh our apartment won't look so bad after we get it fixed Dean
If we get it fixed I wonder what we should do about the little hole down there in the base board
Yeah
Hey I got it we'll hem stitch the edges and tell her it's be kind to my sweep
Look Jerry I don't want to discourage you but
Hey I got a package for Mr. Lewis I'll leave it here in the hall
Gee that's a heavy package for one delivery boy to carry
Oh I wasn't always a delivery boy I used to be a prize fighter
A prize fighter?
Yeah yeah maybe you remember me I fought one round Schultz for the championship
All during training he used to stay out late in night clubs not me
I went to bed every night at nine he used to eat fried foods and pastry and wine
I ate milk and vegetables and we got into the ring
Yeah we got into the ring
And you won?
No I beat my brains out
Hey that's funny he was going to win and he said one round Schultz beat his brains out
Hey buddy
Yeah?
When did you fight Schultz huh?
When did I fight Schultz? Listen you take that back or I'll punch you right in the nose
You think Schultz was something I'll hit you so hard you'll
Hey Dean did he get away?
Yeah he got away you can come out from behind the sofa now
Come on I want to know what's in that package
Oh that's a bunch of food I ordered so we could entertain the lady reporter
We better open it and put the shrimps on ice
Are you sure they're fresh?
Fresh? These shrimps are so fresh they walk over to your plate flex their muscles and dive into the red sauce
Well how do you manage to eat them?
When they come up there you gotta be quick
We could have ordered the food later you should have stayed here and worked on the apartment
I did you know that throw rug in the hall as you come in?
The one that always slides forward and makes people fall down?
Yeah just try it now
Okay I'll open the front door and I'll come in again
Ow!
See Dean I couldn't do a thing with it
We gotta get that fixed before the lady from Vogue gets here or she won't write us up she'll sue us
Oh Mr Martin I heard you groan you didn't hear that wonderful voice of yours did you?
No ma'am that wasn't where I landed
Say I've seen you before
Aren't you the president of that new fan club of Dean's the one that only takes in members over 50 years old?
Yes I'm Mrs Taproot
And how are all the members today Mrs Taproot?
Oh wonderful Mr Martin they asked me to come by and tell you how wonderful your last program was
Of course we listen to every one of your broadcasts Mr Martin
But Mrs Taproot I'm on a program too in between Dean's songs that's my voice you hear
Not on our radio we have a static eliminator
Oh I hope I'm not disturbing you Mr Martin
Oh not at all we're busy fixing up our apartment for a lady who's coming to write an article about us
Oh my it looks real nice
Mmm and that aroma it smells so exotic and mysterious did you light some incense?
No that's me I'm chewing pistachio scents
Oh it's very nice it smells sort of like Mr Martin sounds
Jerry if you say one word I'll break your neck
What do I get for thinking?
I guess you weren't kidding about all the fan club members being 50 years old Mrs Taproot
No except I have a confession to make I liked you so much I fibbed to get into the club I'm only 30 years old
Gee Dean if Mrs Taproot's only 30 she must have hit 50 so hard she bounced
Jerry
Well I should have said practically 30 actually I'm just sailing happily into my 40s
Sailing into your 40s?
Yes
Gosh it's too bad you went by way of Cape Horn
Jerry you should think before you speak
I don't understand this fan club at all Mrs Taproot I thought it was only the young girls who swoon when Dean sings
Well we may not drop as fast as the young girls but once we go down we stay longer
That's very flattering
Oh and not only that Mr Martin when you send us older girls we go faster we already know the way
But I mustn't wear my knuckle mouth goodbye we'll be listening Sunday
Bye Mrs Taproot
Bye
Isn't she a nice lady Jerry I'm glad she didn't slip on this throw rug like I did
Who's there now?
It's me the manager
We'll have it in the morning
Open up this door at once what's the meaning of all these complaints I've gotten about you two making a lot of noise in there?
We're only doing a little decorating and we were using very soft ketchup
Alright I'll open the door myself
What do you mean decorating? Oh good heavens you put nails in my walls you cracked my beautiful plaster walls you've ruined my ceiling you've
But the floors are still slippery aren't they?
Here let me help you up you see we were just fixing the place up a little
Fixing it up?
That's right see what we did there in the kitchenette how do you like it?
Ah!
Now that's an interesting criticism
Look as long as you're the manager I got a complaint too for six months you've been promising us a door on the bathroom
Well?
Well nothing we're getting tired of taking showers with our clothes on
Look we don't insist on the door we just want to have a nice place to receive a reporter this afternoon
You're too easy Dean I'll take care of this now listen we rent this place and we'll improve it all we want
Now you listen you forgot to pay your rent last week so get out that's final out!
Well Jerry?
Gee now we got no place to live and no place to meet that reporter and nowhere to go and Dean?
What?
I made a boo boo
Well this is a fine mess you got us into Jerry we've been to eight hotels trying to get a decent place and we can't afford any of them
I know Dean it's all my fault not a woman from Vogue can't interview us
Well?
She won't be able to find us and she'll hate us
Oh Jerry
No no we're washed up finished through
What?
We're washed up finished through
Oh Jerry straighten up and stop the crying instantly
Okay Dean I'll stop anything you say
And stop the sniffling too
Oh you don't like me either
Jerry of course I like you now stop crying
When I get us in trouble like this Dean I get so discouraged I think I'll do something desperate end it all
End it all?
Yes and I know how I'll sneak up behind those bushes at the YWCA swimming pool climb up to that little window and look myself to death
Oh stop bragging you blush when you see a clothesline on a windy day now here's another hotel let's go in the lobby and see how it looks
Okay Dean I'll race you
Race you
Race you
Jerry what happened?
You know how much fun I always have running up on the down escalators and running down on up escalators?
Yes
Well you can't do it with a revolving door
Hey there's the desk clerk
Yeah we'll go talk to him as soon as he finishes with the customer at the desk
Now look I told you before the maids have been complaining that you're eating peanuts in bed
Now I'll give you one more chance go on back to your room but remember no more eating peanuts in bed
Well come on Jerry
Wait Dean I want to see that elephant get on the elevator
Well now's our chance to talk to the desk clerk oh my good man
Sorry I've got all the shoestrings I need
We're not peddlers we want a suite of rooms
Oh well we have a nice four room suite it's a hundred dollars
Hundred dollars a month or a week?
A day
Now about those shoestrings
Well I guess we better go Jerry we can't afford these prices
Yoo hoo Mr. Markle Mr. Lewis
Look coming across the street Jerry it's Florence
Hey Florence I thought you were coming over to help us fix up our apartment for the interview
Oh I've been working on your fan mail all morning you had four letters
You spent all morning on four letters? Did you get them answered?
No just counted
Hey Dean I ought to see your psychiatrist she sounds sensible to me
Well I know it's slow just counting four letters in a whole morning but I had trouble after I passed two
What comes next four or three?
I can't believe anyone would have trouble with one two three four
One two three four?
That's right
You see I was close
Florence if you have such trouble with numbers why don't you count on your fingers?
Oh that's silly I know how many fingers I have
Ah look Florence we're in trouble we got thrown out of our apartment now we've got no place to receive this lady from Vogue magazine
Yeah and she'll be sore she's probably one of those hoity-toity names
Hoity-toity what does that mean?
Well you know what hoity means that's like a little baby hoite and toity is one more than 29
So altogether it means when you get to be nearly toity a baby will fall on you and hoite you
That's hoity-toity
Hi
Mr. Lewis sometimes I think you're baddier than a fruitcake
Baddier than a fruitcake?
Florence it's not baddier than a fruitcake it's baddier than a belfry
I think you're both nuttier than a coffee ring
I bet you say that to every fruitcake you meet
This is all very pleasant but it's not helping us get our picture in Vogue
Oh Mr. Lewis you mean your picture will be in the magazine just like a man of distinction?
Jerry doesn't drink he'd look pretty silly sitting there with a glass of Dr. Brown's celery tonic in his hand
Don't kid yourself about Jerry Lewis last night I had two zimby cocktails
You mean zombies
No zimbies it's soda pop with two yeast cakes in it wow
Gee it's a shame you aren't important actors like my dream man Arthur Treacher
I think we could get a nice place easy
What's Arthur Treacher got to do with it?
He's so wonderful I just saw him go into the Astor Hotel
Arthur Treacher in the Astor Hotel? Jerry!
I'm way ahead of you Dean let's go
Boy what a luxurious hotel huh Dean? Boy!
Alright it's luxurious why make such a big fuss?
Oh gee Dean I never saw gold-plated mice before
You're Mr. Arthur Treacher aren't you?
Yes
You're the actor from Hollywood
Yes
Well we're actors from Hollywood too
Yes
And we'd like to ask a favor
I'd love to accommodate you but unfortunately I checked out yesterday
You can't fool us Mr. Treacher I'd recognize you anyway you're so tall and distinguished
Oh you think I'm tall and distinguished eh?
You bet why you look just like Mickey Rooney on stilts
Mickey Rooney on stilts?
Yes sir tell me are you really that tall or did your elevator shoes get stuck between floors?
Ha ha ha confidentially I'm three midgets
I used to be an acrobatic act now go on scram Erchin no water grass today
Alright I'll do the talking Jerry Mr. Treacher I'm Dean Martin and this is Jerry
Oh how cute is he pedigreed?
Hey look there I'm Jerry Lewis I'm on the radio
Jerry Lewis oh my word I'm very sorry for what I said about the way you look
Well that's better
You're Jerry Lewis you've got a right to look that way
Now wait a minute Mr. Treacher jokes are my racket I tell jokes for a living
You're quite sure?
That they're jokes?
No that you're living
Mr. Treacher I'd like to know one thing
And what would that be?
Are you for real?
Ah Jerry
Well I got a right to be sore he won't even let us ask a favor he's going to ruin my chance of getting in vogue
You in vogue?
That's right
Good heavens sure you're not going to try to model a strapless sun suit
Now just a minute Mr. Treacher you are kidding us a man modeling a strapless sun suit
No one would even consider that
I would but I'm only 23 years old what do I know?
Young man have you always been this way or do you take pills to make you so punchy?
Jerry's not really punchy he just you know got that glazed look from eating too many donuts this morning
Listen here Dean Martin I'm not going to stand here and have you acidide how do you pronounce that word Bob?
Acidify
Have you acidify me?
Jerry
I'm not kidding I didn't know how to say it what do you want?
Dean Martin you ridicule me in public you won't let me sing on our show and when you do you make me sing funny
and I'm getting sick of it do you hear? Sick sick sick
Jerry you keep talking like that and you know what it means
No Dean
Yes
No
Yes
No
Not the cod liver oil
I'm big now I'm not the lovable little
toddler and rompers who touched your heart in the early days I'm a man of the world I can't stand that horrible stuff
The spoon in your hand coming closer closer ever closer to my protesting lips no no no
ahhhh
Ladies and gentlemen you have just heard a ham that even armors couldn't cure
Mr. Martin will you please get that bebop version of Uncle Tom's cabin out of here
Not until you've heard what we have to say Mr. Treacher
Well what do you have to say?
I'll tell you in the first place this is a pretty nice joint you got here
This joint just happens to be a penthouse
A penthouse?
Certainly when I'm in New York I always like to have some place to change my pence
Change his pence
Change his pence
Change his pence
Well now about that favor we wanted to ask
Yes I knew the joke couldn't have been that funny
Well the truth is Mr. Treacher we wanted to borrow your penthouse just for this afternoon
Yes to make an impression on a reporter from Vogue now will you help us out?
I categorically refuse to consider any portion of such a death of the proposition
My final summation is an absolute negative
Well out with it yes or no?
Jerry what he said meant no
But Dean we gotta have this place we gotta stall I know
You think to him while I try to think of something
Well we can't lose anything
How about listening to a song Mr. Treacher?
I also categorically refuse to consider any portion of such a ridiculous subterfuge
And again my final summation is an absolute negative
Well thank you you're gonna like this number
I hope
If I only had three wishes
Here is just what I would do
First I'd wish for days of gladness
With someone sweet and true
For my second wish a dream house
Cosy fire, sight for two
And the last of my three wishes
Please love me as I love you
For my second wish a dream house
Cosy fire, sight for two
And the last of my three wishes
Please love me as I love you
Hey that was wonderful Dean wasn't it Mr. Treacher?
Now you see we're really fellow actors
You've got to lend us your apartment what do you say?
Pretty pleased with sugar on it?
No
Pretty pleased with honey on it?
No
Pretty pleased with molasses on it?
Mr. Lewis you're dripping all over the carpet
Ah come on Jerry it's no use
And you didn't help matters any putting on that strapless sun suit
Oh it's not a real strapless sun suit it's just a long pair of shorts
What holds it up?
American Airlines
Well get in the next room and put your other clothes back on I have to answer the door
Oh Mr. Treacher I just had to come and see you in person
Why Florence
Mr. Treacher this is our secretary Florence McMichael
Please please young lady control yourself
I can't help it my knees are knocking
Haven't you ever seen a girl with her knees knocking before?
Yes but not against mine
Hey what are you doing here Florence?
Oh I couldn't help it I had to come and see Mr. Treacher he's so romantic
Just a minute there Ingrid he's an English actor not an Italian director
You must keep your head girl or I'll wait for you on the night
After all I'm really not as handsome as Errol Flynn quite
Errol Flynn Pooey
How about Alan Ladd or Clark Gable?
Alan Ladd Pooey Clark Gable Pooey
Or Walter Pigeon I say how about Walter Pigeon?
Walter Pigeon
Ah
Yes I should have desisted when I was victor
Hey Florence really goes for you Mr. Treacher
I'm not surprised you know as a child I knew I was going to be a great romantic figure
When I was six I used to make love to the upstairs maid and the downstairs maid but I had to quit
Why did you have to quit?
Well I was wearing out the seat of my trousers on the banister
Goodness Mr. Treacher you're so wonderful
I bet you're going to help Mr. Martin and Mr. Lewis with their interview
Gee could you Mr. Treacher?
Let's see you want to impress this reporter from Vogue eh Dean?
But what about you know who?
There ain't nothing wrong with me I'm full of social graces
I'm a man that all social functions
Really?
Sure last year I officially opened the tea season by throwing out the first bag
My my how he would have loved the third grade wouldn't he?
I'll take that Mr. Treacher if you're going to help us
Maybe you could act like our butler
I'll never play a butler part again my roles are all alike
Every time my master has a beautiful girl on the sofa I have to bring in the drinks
But what about her?
But I'm tired of being water boy I want to be sent into the game
But think how impressive it would be if you were my butler
You want me to act as a gentleman's gentleman? Impossible
But why?
Well one gentleman short
Couldn't you stretch a point and do it just this once?
Oh well alright
You know in my last fifty pictures I've been a gentleman's gentleman
I am now a schmo schmo
Florence call Miss Trenton and tell her to meet us here instead of our apartment
Oh boy we're going to live
I'll get the door
That must be hard Dean how shall I act?
Well let's see formal but still friendly
Formal but friendly yeah
Miss Trenton of Vogue magazine
Well hello Miss Trenton I'm Dean Martin this is Jerry Lewis
Hello
How do you do?
You want a neck?
I've been dying to do this interview of you boys because I've been so utterly utterly curious
And I'd like to ask Jerry the first question
Oh sure anything what is it?
Are you for real?
Sometimes I'm not for sure
You see I haven't been too well
Naturally in my position I went to the best specialists in the country
The Mayo brothers?
No Hart Schaffner and Marx
What was their diagnosis?
Growing pains the agony was unbearable
And what did they recommend?
A larger suit
You see Miss Trenton being a comedian Jerry just you know this way quite often
Actually he's well educated cultured and college man
Certainly Miss Trenton I have every degree offered by Yale
A PhD?
I don't know for sure
How do you pronounce it?
Jerry old boy surely there's something you can do in the other room
Why don't you see about the refreshments?
Oh sure I'll put on my baseball shoes and go spike the punch
Well what about you Mr. Martin?
Oh the usual dull thing you know born extremely wealthy
I remember when I was a young little boy and how our butler used to answer the telephone when we got a call
That impressed you?
Yes it was fun to watch him racing down six flights of steps to the candy store
Treacher's busy with the crumpet warming so I'm serving a spot of tea Miss Trenton
Oh why yes thank you
Righto here you are
Oh
Gerald when she says she wants a spot of tea she means she wants to drink it you don't slush it on her sleeve you know
Oh sorry here have some lemon
That doesn't go on her sleeve either
Never mind Mr. Martin was just telling me of his wealthy birth what about you Mr. Lewis?
Oh ditto and pip pip
I was brought up in the lap of luxury we were so rich I wore chinchilla diapers
My goodness chinchilla diapers
Yes made from live chinchillas of course
Perhaps it would be of interest to your readers to know that Gerald and I recently returned from Europe for the polo here
Oh so you've been to Europe I presume you went via the Queen Mary
Oh so you've heard of our yacht
And I must make a note that you play polo I'm impressed
Oh it's nothing it's a simple game and if you happen to be dealt the right cards you win
This interview isn't going quite as I anticipated what about the night clubs
Oh perhaps we were seen last night and I did take a coffee of debutantes to the Stork Club
Oh to the Stork Club
Yes it was such a kick slumming you know
This whole interview is very curious could I speak to your butler?
Oh quite quite Treacher
I'd like to ask you one question are these boys really big society personages?
Oh it's the truth they really are so help me Sir Cedric Hardwick
Now look I've seen the Martin and Lewis act too often to believe that and further I've seen Arthur Treacher in too many movies not to recognize him
I also know that this is Mr. Treacher's penthouse and I know that you two boys were evicted from your apartment today
I'd suggest you put your cards on the table
Okay
Alright now what have you got to say?
Well how about a couple of hands of polo?
Martin and Lewis show transcribed in New York is produced and directed by Robert L. Redd and written by Ray Allen, Dick McKnight, Roger Price and Sid Resnick
This is Wayne Howell suggesting you tune in to your NBC station each Sunday evening at this same hour for the Martin and Lewis show
And we thank Mr. Arthur Treacher for coming over
Mr. Arthur Treacher
Thank you Arthur
A round of applause
This is NBC the national broadcasting company