WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:05.000 It's the Martin and Lewis show. 00:05.000 --> 00:07.000 Applause! 00:07.000 --> 00:17.000 The National Broadcasting Company brings you Transcribed from New York, the Martin and Lewis show. 00:17.000 --> 00:23.000 Our guest tonight, John Garfield, and featuring Flo McMichael, Dick Stabeel and his orchestra, and starring Dean Martin. 00:23.000 --> 00:41.000 Come to me my melancholy baby, caught love and only blue. 00:41.000 --> 00:43.000 And Jerry Lewis. 00:43.000 --> 00:52.000 Come to me my melancholy baby, I give you love and everything else baby. Cars, diamonds, pearls, penthouses, castles, yachts. 00:52.000 --> 00:54.000 I got a lucky box of Cracker Jack. 00:54.000 --> 01:01.000 Applause! 01:01.000 --> 01:08.000 Well I can't give you anything but love baby. 01:08.000 --> 01:15.000 That's the only thing I've plenty of baby. 01:15.000 --> 01:23.000 You dream a while and you scheme a while, you're sure to find happiness. 01:23.000 --> 01:29.000 And I guess, well all the things you think that apply for G. 01:29.000 --> 01:35.000 But I'd like to see you looking swell baby. 01:35.000 --> 01:42.000 Diamond bracelets, Woolworth, they ain't gonna sell to you far voles. 01:42.000 --> 01:49.000 To that lucky day you know Dawn, well baby. 01:49.000 --> 01:56.000 I can't give you anything but love G. 01:56.000 --> 02:03.000 But I'd like to see you looking swell baby. 02:03.000 --> 02:12.000 Diamond bracelets, Woolworth, they ain't gonna sell to you baby. 02:12.000 --> 02:21.000 To that lucky day you know Dawn, well baby. 02:21.000 --> 02:28.000 Well I can't give you anything but love. 02:28.000 --> 02:36.000 Applause! 02:36.000 --> 02:43.000 Ever since the boys teamed up three years ago, Dean has been meaning to do something about getting Jerry to build himself up physically. 02:43.000 --> 02:48.000 But you know how those things go. We find them in their apartment just getting up in the morning. 02:48.000 --> 02:56.000 Oh boy I feel great today, what a day to be alive. Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day. 02:56.000 --> 03:08.000 You're right Dean, it is a beautiful day. I think I'll stick my head out and get a great big deep breath of that fresh air. 03:08.000 --> 03:10.000 Jerry, you didn't hurt yourself did you? 03:10.000 --> 03:16.000 No, I didn't hurt myself and the window hasn't got a pain either. 03:16.000 --> 03:18.000 Alright, I just woke up. 03:18.000 --> 03:23.000 Yeah, but not enough. Jerry, remember that little talk we had last night about your condition? 03:23.000 --> 03:26.000 Yeah and we decided that I gotta build myself up today. 03:26.000 --> 03:30.000 Right and we'll start by going to a gym and taking a good workout. Remember health is wealth. 03:30.000 --> 03:32.000 Health is wealth? What's that got to do with me? 03:32.000 --> 03:40.000 Well look at you, you're bankrupt. Seriously Jerry, I'm worried about you. Things are different today with us. We have new responsibilities. 03:40.000 --> 03:44.000 Yeah I know, three shows a night at a night club, a radio show each week. 03:44.000 --> 03:46.000 Motion pictures, personal appearances, benefits. 03:46.000 --> 03:48.000 Yeah it's fun, but it's a tough schedule. 03:48.000 --> 03:52.000 And that's exactly why we have to keep in shape. I'm really worried about you partner. 03:52.000 --> 03:58.000 Me? Don't worry about me. I'm super healthy. Why I've got the endurance of a mule. I've got the strength of a lion. 03:58.000 --> 04:03.000 And athletics? Why I'll dive and I'll race and I'll run and I'll jump and Dean... 04:03.000 --> 04:04.000 What? 04:04.000 --> 04:06.000 I'm exhausted. 04:06.000 --> 04:10.000 See that's just what I meant and I'm gonna do something about it. 04:10.000 --> 04:17.000 Now today you're going to eat the right kind of food. Today you're gonna go to a gym and have a nice workout and tonight you're coming home early. 04:17.000 --> 04:18.000 Yes partner. 04:18.000 --> 04:21.000 And why did you come home so late after the last show last night? 04:21.000 --> 04:24.000 Oh I stopped by Ruben's restaurant. I had half a date. 04:24.000 --> 04:27.000 Half a date? What do you mean? With a midget? 04:27.000 --> 04:29.000 No that's not what I mean. 04:29.000 --> 04:31.000 Well what's this half a date? 04:31.000 --> 04:35.000 It's simple. I was there and she wasn't. 04:35.000 --> 04:38.000 You know you might have better luck with girls if you build yourself up. 04:38.000 --> 04:48.000 I think you're right Dean. But I can't help my size. I spent my first three months in an incubator. And I grew and grew and grew and then came that happy day. 04:48.000 --> 04:50.000 They took you out of the incubator? 04:50.000 --> 04:53.000 Yeah and put me into a thermos bottle. 04:53.000 --> 04:55.000 Oh Jerry quit it will you? 04:55.000 --> 05:05.000 No it's true Dean. True that I too was once a 98 pound weakling and then I turned the magazine page and saw that ad. He could make a giant of me. I bought the lessons, I worked. 05:05.000 --> 05:06.000 Yes go on. 05:06.000 --> 05:10.000 Today I am a 98 pound giant. 05:10.000 --> 05:17.000 Look no matter how much you stall you're not going to get out of going to the gym so get dressed. 05:17.000 --> 05:19.000 Jerry what now? 05:19.000 --> 05:24.000 Every time I try to take a step my trousers fall down and so do I. 05:24.000 --> 05:25.000 And what do you want me to do? 05:25.000 --> 05:28.000 Hand me the scotch tape. 05:28.000 --> 05:32.000 You hold your trousers up with scotch tape what's the matter? No belt? 05:32.000 --> 05:34.000 No hips. 05:34.000 --> 05:35.000 Why don't you use suspenders? 05:35.000 --> 05:37.000 No shoulders either. 05:37.000 --> 05:40.000 You sound like a guy who stumbled going through a revolving door. 05:40.000 --> 05:45.000 You're right Dean. I should take better care of myself and tomorrow morning I'll get on a regular routine of exercises. 05:45.000 --> 05:46.000 What are you going to do? 05:46.000 --> 05:50.000 I'll set the alarm for 6 a.m. and when it rings I'll jump out of bed. 05:50.000 --> 05:51.000 And then what? 05:51.000 --> 05:55.000 Then what? Isn't that pretty good for a start? 05:55.000 --> 06:06.000 Jerry you got to be serious about this. Now what you need is road work, health foods, calisthenics, vitamins, fresh vegetables, fruits, red meats, regular hours, lots of sleep, deep breathing and fresh air. 06:06.000 --> 06:09.000 Stop already I'm getting exhausted again. 06:09.000 --> 06:11.000 Well I'm all dressed Dean are you ready? 06:11.000 --> 06:13.000 Who is it? 06:13.000 --> 06:14.000 It's me. 06:14.000 --> 06:16.000 Well hello Florence. 06:16.000 --> 06:23.000 I got some fan letters for you to sign. The ones I secretaried yesterday and I wanted to get here before Mrs. Taproot comes. 06:23.000 --> 06:27.000 Oh the president of Dean's 50 years and all the ladies fan club? She coming? 06:27.000 --> 06:33.000 Yeah she's coming to tell me all about the last meeting of my new fan club. Isn't that nice? I said isn't that nice Jerry? 06:33.000 --> 06:37.000 Who's jealous? 06:37.000 --> 06:40.000 Where are the letters that you have to be signed Florence? 06:40.000 --> 06:44.000 Oh here. I'm sorry I'm late but I had a lot of trouble getting them written. 06:44.000 --> 06:48.000 Trouble? I thought you, I thought I told you to type them on my corona. 06:48.000 --> 06:55.000 That's just it. It isn't easy to type a letter on a cigar. 06:55.000 --> 07:03.000 Fan letters answered on cigars. Hey Dean that might get us some new fans. With men who know tobacco best it's Martin and Lewis quarter to nine. 07:03.000 --> 07:05.000 Martin and Lewis quarter to nine? 07:05.000 --> 07:07.000 Yeah with the cigars we can throw in a time signal. 07:07.000 --> 07:13.000 Florence you know you managed to get about three fan letters answered today. I think you should do a little better than that or give up the job. 07:13.000 --> 07:23.000 Oh I wouldn't give up the job. I'd just have to get another job and that'd be silly. You know what they say, a rolling stone gathers no moose. 07:23.000 --> 07:33.000 A rolling stone gathers no moose? Florence it's not a rolling stone gathers no moose. It's a rolling rock gathers no moose. 07:33.000 --> 07:37.000 This conversation could be happening but I doubt it. 07:37.000 --> 07:43.000 Yeah Mr. Lewis is pretty odd sometimes. He should take vitamin G. 07:43.000 --> 07:45.000 Vitamin G? What's vitamin G? 07:45.000 --> 07:51.000 Well that's the vitamin you take that makes you strong enough to keep from getting punchy from all the other vitamins you take. 07:51.000 --> 07:53.000 Florence I don't think you know very much about vitamins. 07:53.000 --> 07:58.000 Oh sure I do. They're little men who run around inside you and do good things. 07:58.000 --> 08:01.000 Oh Florence vitamins aren't little men. That's silly. 08:01.000 --> 08:06.000 Gee Mr. Lewis you're always taking all the beauty and romance out of life. 08:06.000 --> 08:12.000 I think you're right about his taking some kind of vitamins though we were just talking about how Jerry doesn't attract girls very much. 08:12.000 --> 08:19.000 Yeah a girl has to be careful. Tell me do you think a girl should marry a man who's taller than she is? 08:19.000 --> 08:22.000 Why shouldn't a girl marry a man who's taller than she is? 08:22.000 --> 08:26.000 None of them ever ask me. Oh what Mr. Lewis? 08:26.000 --> 08:27.000 Yeah? 08:27.000 --> 08:28.000 How tall are you? 08:28.000 --> 08:34.000 Oh I'm a very short little fellow. Much shorter than you. Come over here and we'll measure and I'll prove it. 08:34.000 --> 08:39.000 Okay here I am. Should I stand up or kneel down like you're doing? 08:39.000 --> 08:45.000 You know if it pays to be ignorant you'd do about ready to retire. 08:45.000 --> 08:49.000 It's a good line. 08:49.000 --> 08:55.000 I don't want to be inquisitive Florence but what kind of a man would you prefer? 08:55.000 --> 09:04.000 Oh I like the mysterious type of man. A man that nobody sees, that nobody knows anything about, who lives a life of mystery. 09:04.000 --> 09:08.000 Call for Philip Moray! 09:08.000 --> 09:12.000 Well I don't want to hold you up from going to the gym. I'll go mail the letters. Bye. 09:12.000 --> 09:13.000 Bye Florence. 09:13.000 --> 09:18.000 You know something maybe I will go over to the gym with you Dean. How about tie my tie for me huh? 09:18.000 --> 09:23.000 Why don't you learn to do these simple things for yourself? I'm not going to mother you anymore. 09:23.000 --> 09:25.000 Oh come on Dean how about it huh please? 09:25.000 --> 09:29.000 Well alright. Here stand still. There. 09:29.000 --> 09:36.000 Gee thanks mom. You're so good to me Dean. You sure tie my tie good Dean. You're always good to me Dean. 09:36.000 --> 09:38.000 Alright I'm good Dean. Now stop following me around. 09:38.000 --> 09:42.000 I can't you got your finger stuck in the knot. 09:42.000 --> 09:46.000 Ah Jerry stop your clowning. Let's get started. 09:46.000 --> 09:50.000 Oh that must be Miss Taffroot. Come in. 09:50.000 --> 09:57.000 Oh that wonderful voice. That glorious voice. Oh you know the motto of our club Mr Martin. 09:57.000 --> 10:01.000 When our boy Deanie sings we soar on love's own wings. 10:01.000 --> 10:04.000 Well thanks Mrs Taffroot. That's very nice. 10:04.000 --> 10:10.000 But all your club members are ladies over 50 years old. How much soaring can you do with that age? 10:10.000 --> 10:15.000 Look Sonny. Jet propulsion wasn't invented by Bobby Sox as you know. 10:15.000 --> 10:19.000 Tell me Mrs Taffroot. Did you listen in on last Sunday's radio show? 10:19.000 --> 10:25.000 Oh yes. And when our club members heard your voice it's just miraculous. 10:25.000 --> 10:29.000 Well what do you mean miraculous? 10:29.000 --> 10:35.000 Well before you got half way through your first song Mrs Crabdry's neuralgia and her leg went completely away. 10:35.000 --> 10:39.000 Well that's me Dean Martin boy Mayo Clinic. 10:39.000 --> 10:45.000 And then there's Mrs Blabola. She weighs 240 pounds. Mrs Blabola is our literary member. 10:45.000 --> 10:47.000 Oh she reads a lot huh? 10:47.000 --> 10:51.000 Oh no not at all. But for a girdle she uses bookends. 10:51.000 --> 10:57.000 Gee you're lucky Dean. I'll bet even Crosby hasn't got a fan that's built like an encyclopedia. 10:57.000 --> 11:01.000 So your club really enjoys Dean singing huh Mrs Taffroot? 11:01.000 --> 11:08.000 Oh yes. And our oldest member Mrs Pramella was so happy. Your singing made her feel 40 years younger. 11:08.000 --> 11:10.000 40 years younger? 11:10.000 --> 11:15.000 Yes. If you'd sung a second chorus she'd have backed all the way out of her old age benefits. 11:15.000 --> 11:22.000 Oh. Yep. From Margaret O'Brien to Marjorie Maine when Deanie sings they feel no pain. 11:22.000 --> 11:24.000 Jerry stop ad-libbing. 11:24.000 --> 11:29.000 That was a poem by Gerald Lewis, age two, who doesn't know any better. 11:29.000 --> 11:33.000 Well Mrs Taffroot I'm glad my voice seems to help your members out. 11:33.000 --> 11:40.000 Oh yes. And since you did such wonders for Mrs Crabdry's neuralgia I was wondering if you could do anything about the water on my knee. 11:40.000 --> 11:45.000 Go ahead Dean. Sing Cruising Down the River and hope for the best. 11:45.000 --> 11:52.000 One thing I never quite understood Mrs Taffroot. Why didn't your fan club pick on one of the uh, older singers? 11:52.000 --> 11:58.000 Well you know Mr Martin before our club switched over to you we were fans of Nelson Eddy. 11:58.000 --> 12:01.000 You know with his shortening bread and water boy. 12:01.000 --> 12:03.000 What made you change to me? 12:03.000 --> 12:08.000 Well we were tired of bread and water. We wanted meat and potatoes. Woo! Goodbye! 12:08.000 --> 12:11.000 Goodbye! 12:11.000 --> 12:14.000 Yeah bye Mrs Taffroot, bye. 12:14.000 --> 12:15.000 Hey Dean. 12:15.000 --> 12:16.000 What? 12:16.000 --> 12:19.000 Remember when we started out as a team you kept telling me that your singer would put us in a higher bracket. 12:19.000 --> 12:20.000 Yeah what about it? 12:20.000 --> 12:24.000 I thought you meant money not years. 12:24.000 --> 12:28.000 You're just jealous because it isn't your fan club and maybe we can do something about that. 12:28.000 --> 12:33.000 Come on let's go to the gym and see if we can cure you of an acute case of skin and bones. 12:33.000 --> 12:37.000 Me skinny? Ha ha ha ha ha. That's funny. Me skinny. Ha ha ha. 12:37.000 --> 12:39.000 I am not. 12:39.000 --> 12:44.000 Alright you're not skinny. But why is it your suits always look fatter when they're on the hanger? 12:44.000 --> 12:45.000 They do? 12:45.000 --> 12:46.000 Yeah. 12:46.000 --> 12:48.000 And I didn't even know they were in love. 12:48.000 --> 12:52.000 Oh what are you owing about? What do you want? 12:52.000 --> 12:58.000 Jerry there's no use stalling. I'm still going to make you go down to the gymnasium and take that work out. 12:58.000 --> 13:00.000 You ninety-eight pound giant Jew. 13:00.000 --> 13:03.000 Okay. I'll make a deal with you. 13:03.000 --> 13:08.000 I'll get on a bathroom scale and if I don't weigh more than ninety-eight pounds I'll go to that gym with you. 13:08.000 --> 13:10.000 Ah this is a cinch. Come on. 13:10.000 --> 13:14.000 Puney boy, puney boy, yes you are my puney boy. 13:14.000 --> 13:19.000 I'll get on the bathroom scales in here. 13:19.000 --> 13:25.000 Bell ringing. 13:25.000 --> 13:28.000 Okay Dean. What does it say on the indicator now? 13:28.000 --> 13:31.000 Services will be held tomorrow. 13:31.000 --> 13:35.000 Well come on Jerry we're off to the gymnasium and I think I'd better carry you. 13:35.000 --> 13:42.000 Applause. 13:42.000 --> 13:46.000 Well it was tough work but Dean finally persuaded Jerry to go to the gym. 13:46.000 --> 13:51.000 Bell ringing. 13:51.000 --> 13:53.000 Well here's the gymnasium Jerry. 13:53.000 --> 13:57.000 Gee it's a nice looking building. Hey let's take a look through the window. 13:57.000 --> 14:01.000 Gosh look at them all running and jumping around in their shorts. 14:01.000 --> 14:05.000 Did you ever see so many bare arms and legs? And just look at their physiques. 14:05.000 --> 14:11.000 Yeah now let's go over to the men's side. 14:11.000 --> 14:12.000 Yes gentlemen. 14:12.000 --> 14:15.000 Hello I'm Jerry Lewis and I'd like to build myself up. 14:15.000 --> 14:17.000 You want to build yourself up? 14:17.000 --> 14:18.000 Yeah what do you recommend? 14:18.000 --> 14:22.000 A bottle of plasma and keep your fingers crossed. 14:22.000 --> 14:26.000 Look I've been telling Jerry about building himself up all morning. Haven't you got any trunks that'll fit him? 14:26.000 --> 14:27.000 What size you take bud? 14:27.000 --> 14:28.000 28. 14:28.000 --> 14:29.000 Well here try these. 14:29.000 --> 14:30.000 What size are they? 14:30.000 --> 14:32.000 44. 14:32.000 --> 14:34.000 Were you ever in the army? 14:34.000 --> 14:35.000 Yeah. 14:35.000 --> 14:39.000 Gee once a supply sergeant always a supply sergeant. 14:39.000 --> 14:42.000 Say I'll need a jersey too. Want to see my chest? 14:42.000 --> 14:46.000 Sure. Would you mind pointing it out to me? 14:46.000 --> 14:48.000 It's right there between my shoulders. 14:48.000 --> 14:51.000 Oh I thought it was a mole. 14:51.000 --> 14:54.000 Okay inhale and I'll measure it. 14:54.000 --> 15:00.000 Very interesting. Four inches. 15:00.000 --> 15:02.000 Four inches expansion? 15:02.000 --> 15:05.000 No just four inches of chest. 15:05.000 --> 15:08.000 Look mister I may be kind of small but I'm plenty tough. 15:08.000 --> 15:11.000 Yeah you're a regular Mickey Gooney. 15:11.000 --> 15:14.000 Well let's just slip these things on and we'll see what we can do with you. 15:14.000 --> 15:15.000 Okay I'm ready. 15:15.000 --> 15:17.000 Now pick up that iron bar with the weights on it. 15:17.000 --> 15:19.000 Yes sir. 15:19.000 --> 15:29.000 Good good. Now let's try the other one. 15:29.000 --> 15:33.000 The one with the two pound weight. 15:33.000 --> 15:38.000 Come on Jerry you'll always be kid about your strength until you do something about it. 15:38.000 --> 15:39.000 Okay Dean I'll try. 15:39.000 --> 15:43.000 Now let's limber up a little. Bend down and touch the floor with your fingertips. 15:43.000 --> 15:53.000 Oh no no keep your knees stiff. 15:53.000 --> 15:56.000 Well as long as I'm down here I'll do some push ups. 15:56.000 --> 15:59.000 I don't think you're ready for any more exercises today. 15:59.000 --> 16:02.000 I'll just leave you. You can fool around the way you want to. 16:02.000 --> 16:06.000 Okay Dean I wish I could get into one of these boxing rings and practice boxing. 16:06.000 --> 16:08.000 They all seem to be in use. 16:08.000 --> 16:10.000 No there's one ring that's vacant Jerry. 16:10.000 --> 16:12.000 Look at that trainer he's balling out somebody right now. 16:12.000 --> 16:16.000 Now you heavy weights are all alike. Too slow too heavy on your feet. 16:16.000 --> 16:18.000 You gotta be on your toes in this business. 16:18.000 --> 16:28.000 Now go on home and try not to be so heavy on your feet next time. 16:28.000 --> 16:32.000 Gee Dean didn't that elephant look funny in shorts. 16:32.000 --> 16:37.000 Hey Jerry look who's coming across the gymnasium. It's John Garfield. 16:37.000 --> 16:40.000 Yeah I wonder what he's doing here. 16:40.000 --> 16:44.000 Excuse me but aren't you John Garfield the movie actor. 16:44.000 --> 16:52.000 That's right. 16:52.000 --> 16:54.000 Well I guess you don't recognize us Mr. Garfield. 16:54.000 --> 16:59.000 I'm Dean Martin this is Jerry Lewis. Never heard of you. 16:59.000 --> 17:01.000 Wait a minute Mr. Garfield. 17:01.000 --> 17:04.000 We may not be very well known but we've achieved some success. 17:04.000 --> 17:07.000 Yeah we're over at the Copacabana nightclub icing and Jerry's a very funny guy. 17:07.000 --> 17:09.000 He tells jokes makes the people laugh. 17:09.000 --> 17:11.000 His wit is so fast it's like lightning. 17:11.000 --> 17:14.000 No wonder he's built like one of those rods. 17:14.000 --> 17:17.000 But seriously Dean I'm very glad to meet you. 17:17.000 --> 17:20.000 Well tell the truth boys I don't get much time to go to nightclubs. 17:20.000 --> 17:24.000 You don't go to nightclubs? What do you do in the evening? 17:24.000 --> 17:26.000 Well I go home and go to bed. 17:26.000 --> 17:30.000 Gee how did you ever think of that? 17:30.000 --> 17:32.000 How come you're not in Hollywood making pictures? 17:32.000 --> 17:37.000 Oh I like to get away from Hollywood once in a while and do something in the legitimate theater. 17:37.000 --> 17:39.000 Did you fellas ever do anything legitimate? 17:39.000 --> 17:41.000 Did we ever do anything legitimate? 17:41.000 --> 17:47.000 Well when Dean stopped hanging around with those guys at the pool hall who had the car swiping concession over in Brooklyn. 17:47.000 --> 17:52.000 Hey don't be ridiculous Mr. Garfield means did we ever do any legitimate performing? Something dramatic? 17:52.000 --> 17:56.000 Oh dramatic. Well once we introduced a violinist. 17:56.000 --> 18:00.000 Was it Yasha Heifetz who plays with the symphony? 18:00.000 --> 18:08.000 No this was Yasha Fiedelbaum he plays at the Oddfellow Weddings. 18:08.000 --> 18:11.000 You know Mr. Garfield you're one of Jerry's favorite actors. 18:11.000 --> 18:12.000 Really? 18:12.000 --> 18:13.000 Yes. 18:13.000 --> 18:19.000 I admire you on a screen. Gee in Body and Soul the way you treated your women like a caveman. 18:19.000 --> 18:21.000 Well that's my system you know treat them rough. 18:21.000 --> 18:25.000 If the script says to grab my leading lady by the arm I shove her first. 18:25.000 --> 18:29.000 And if it says to push them against the wall I slug them too you see. 18:29.000 --> 18:30.000 Gee. 18:30.000 --> 18:35.000 You know sometimes after a big love scene my knuckles are so sore I can hardly stand it. 18:35.000 --> 18:40.000 Gee and my girl hits me if I take all the arm rest at a seat in a movie. 18:40.000 --> 18:43.000 You see Jerry doesn't have much success romantically. 18:43.000 --> 18:50.000 Oh that's too bad. Jerry have you ever tried taking a ride through Central Park on a moonlight night? 18:50.000 --> 18:57.000 Oh sure we took a ride Saturday night. The moon was shining the air was balmy but I didn't get one single kiss. 18:57.000 --> 18:59.000 Wouldn't the girl cooperate? 18:59.000 --> 19:02.000 Girl I took my dog. 19:02.000 --> 19:11.000 Jerry. Jerry taking a dog on a moonlight ride through the park nobody would do a thing like that. 19:11.000 --> 19:15.000 I would but I'm only 23 years old what do I know? 19:18.000 --> 19:22.000 Mr. Garfield you don't know how much I'd give to be like you even a little bit like you. 19:22.000 --> 19:27.000 Oh Jerry stop kidding why there's lots of similarities between us. 19:27.000 --> 19:28.000 There are? 19:28.000 --> 19:39.000 Well certainly. Why we're I mean we're well we're both men. 19:39.000 --> 19:41.000 I'll give you two to one on that. 19:46.000 --> 19:49.000 And that's exactly why we're down here at the gym today Mr. Garfield. 19:49.000 --> 19:54.000 Yeah I want to grow up be tough you know like James Cagney. Boy if I could only be like him. 19:54.000 --> 20:01.000 I don't care you guys I know what the score is see. You don't fool with me now. Take this gat and know what you're doing Johnny. 20:01.000 --> 20:04.000 Hey that's pretty good. 20:04.000 --> 20:07.000 Say you haven't told me why you came to the gym today. 20:07.000 --> 20:09.000 Well Jerry's decided to get himself into condition. 20:09.000 --> 20:13.000 And since Jerry saw you in body and soul he wants to become a fighter. 20:13.000 --> 20:17.000 A fighter? Well don't make me laugh why I've never seen such a panty waist. 20:17.000 --> 20:18.000 What's the matter? 20:18.000 --> 20:22.000 Look at you old panty and no waist. 20:22.000 --> 20:27.000 Well you may think I'm frail but actually I'm as hard as nails. Last summer I did the hardest road work in the world. 20:27.000 --> 20:29.000 Jerry the hardest road work in the world? 20:29.000 --> 20:33.000 Sure you know those construction gangs who build roads through the hot burning deserts. 20:33.000 --> 20:34.000 Yes. 20:34.000 --> 20:37.000 And you know those great big boulders and rocks that they have to be broken up into little pieces. 20:37.000 --> 20:38.000 Yes. 20:38.000 --> 20:42.000 And all that tar and asphalt that has to be pounded and pounded until it's flat enough to make a highway. 20:42.000 --> 20:44.000 Is that what you did? 20:44.000 --> 20:47.000 No I painted the white line down the middle. 20:47.000 --> 20:49.000 Well that proves it Jerry. 20:49.000 --> 20:53.000 And I was going to suggest that we spar for a couple of rounds you know just for laughs. 20:53.000 --> 20:57.000 Ah you'd murder Jerry he doesn't know his left hand from his right. 20:57.000 --> 21:00.000 Now why does everybody think I'm a mental incompetent? 21:00.000 --> 21:02.000 Well. 21:02.000 --> 21:05.000 Maybe I can rephrase that last statement. 21:05.000 --> 21:08.000 Well come on Jerry if you want to spar around a little I'm ready for you. 21:08.000 --> 21:09.000 Yeah? 21:09.000 --> 21:11.000 Well I really feel like mixing it up for a couple of rounds huh? 21:11.000 --> 21:12.000 Yeah? 21:12.000 --> 21:13.000 Sure how about you? 21:13.000 --> 21:16.000 Yeah how about that? 21:16.000 --> 21:19.000 Ah what's the matter you're not yellow are you? 21:19.000 --> 21:20.000 Me? 21:20.000 --> 21:21.000 Yellow? 21:21.000 --> 21:22.000 Ah ah ah. 21:22.000 --> 21:24.000 Well you're sitting and look like you're yellow. 21:24.000 --> 21:28.000 Can I help it if I'm breaking out in lemon jello? 21:28.000 --> 21:30.000 Go ahead Jerry get into the ring with Mr. Garper. 21:30.000 --> 21:32.000 That's what you came down here for. 21:32.000 --> 21:33.000 You get a workout. 21:33.000 --> 21:34.000 You're not afraid are you? 21:34.000 --> 21:35.000 Afraid? 21:35.000 --> 21:37.000 Why I'll go in and I'll mutter this guy. 21:37.000 --> 21:38.000 Stop it will you Dean? 21:38.000 --> 21:40.000 Why I'll pulverize him. 21:40.000 --> 21:41.000 Dean quit it. 21:41.000 --> 21:43.000 I'll break every bone in his body. 21:43.000 --> 21:44.000 Dean will you stop it? 21:44.000 --> 21:45.000 What am I doing? 21:45.000 --> 21:46.000 You're shoving me. 21:46.000 --> 21:50.000 Don't worry Jerry what can happen I'll take it easy with you. 21:50.000 --> 21:53.000 I won't hit you hard enough to bruise Margaret O'Brien. 21:53.000 --> 21:54.000 Promise? 21:54.000 --> 21:55.000 Promise. 21:55.000 --> 22:10.000 I won't hit you any harder than this just the tap. 22:10.000 --> 22:13.000 I am killer Margaret O'Brien. 22:13.000 --> 22:18.000 Tonight I fight champ Garfield for the heavyweight title. 22:18.000 --> 22:20.000 It's almost time for the main event. 22:20.000 --> 22:22.000 Gee I hate to go. 22:22.000 --> 22:27.000 It's so nice up here floating on this cloud of lemon jello. 22:27.000 --> 22:30.000 Jerry relax lie back you're on the training table in your dressing room. 22:30.000 --> 22:32.000 You gotta get ready for your big fight. 22:32.000 --> 22:33.000 Yeah my big fight. 22:33.000 --> 22:37.000 Now this is it killer you gotta get in there at the bell and start slugging. 22:37.000 --> 22:41.000 Yeah they don't call me killer Lewis for nothing. 22:41.000 --> 22:44.000 I'll miter this Garfield bum I'll slash him. 22:44.000 --> 22:48.000 I'll crush his nose with my left I'll close his eyes with my right. 22:48.000 --> 22:51.000 I'll bust his ribs and ahhhhh. 22:51.000 --> 22:52.000 Now what was that for? 22:52.000 --> 22:57.000 I just happened to think what if he hits me? 22:57.000 --> 22:58.000 Come on killer buck up. 22:58.000 --> 22:59.000 Where's your confidence? 22:59.000 --> 23:03.000 Don't worry about me I've been practicing my old one two. 23:03.000 --> 23:04.000 Practicing punching eh? 23:04.000 --> 23:05.000 No counting. 23:05.000 --> 23:07.000 I got the fight all figured out Dean. 23:07.000 --> 23:10.000 In the middle of the first round throw in a towel. 23:10.000 --> 23:12.000 Don't forget that throw in a towel. 23:12.000 --> 23:13.000 You mean you're gonna give up the fight? 23:13.000 --> 23:17.000 No I'm gonna wet one end of it and flip him unconscious. 23:17.000 --> 23:20.000 This is gonna be a great night for me. 23:20.000 --> 23:21.000 Can I come in? 23:21.000 --> 23:23.000 Florence what are you doing here? 23:23.000 --> 23:29.000 Oh I'm not the Florence you know I'm the champs girlfriend. 23:29.000 --> 23:30.000 Champs girlfriend? 23:30.000 --> 23:33.000 Yeah but there might be a vacancy. 23:33.000 --> 23:36.000 I'm getting tired of the way he kisses. 23:36.000 --> 23:38.000 Why how does he kiss? 23:38.000 --> 23:42.000 The hard way no lips. 23:42.000 --> 23:45.000 So you don't like the way the champ kisses huh? 23:45.000 --> 23:49.000 Lean down here baby. 23:49.000 --> 23:50.000 How was that? 23:50.000 --> 23:55.000 As far as I'm concerned he's still the champ. 23:55.000 --> 23:58.000 You're kind of cute but I'm still grateful to him. 23:58.000 --> 24:00.000 He took me out of my old racket. 24:00.000 --> 24:01.000 What was your old racket? 24:01.000 --> 24:06.000 Typing letters on Corona cigars. 24:06.000 --> 24:09.000 You still sound like Florence our secretary. 24:09.000 --> 24:11.000 Oh how can you say that? 24:11.000 --> 24:14.000 Don't you remember last night when you held me in your arms? 24:14.000 --> 24:17.000 You said I was the most glamorous woman in the world. 24:17.000 --> 24:20.000 More desirable than Hedy Lamar. 24:20.000 --> 24:21.000 I said that? 24:21.000 --> 24:22.000 Yeah. 24:22.000 --> 24:25.000 I gotta get out of this boxing racket I'm getting punchy. 24:25.000 --> 24:28.000 You better go now I gotta take care of my friend here. 24:28.000 --> 24:29.000 So long. 24:29.000 --> 24:31.000 So long baby. 24:31.000 --> 24:33.000 The championship fight will go on in a few minutes. 24:33.000 --> 24:37.000 Meantime the crowd is watching the preliminary wrestling match between Gorgeous Morgess and Ten Ton Tucker. 24:37.000 --> 24:39.000 They're in a tight clench right now. 24:39.000 --> 24:44.000 Gorgeous has the cross flying hammer lock on Ten Ton who has a body scissors and toe twister on Gorgeous. 24:44.000 --> 24:46.000 Hey killer look at that match. 24:46.000 --> 24:48.000 What a match huh? 24:48.000 --> 24:51.000 Yeah gee I didn't even know they were in love. 24:51.000 --> 24:54.000 And now Gorgeous gets Ten Ton over his head in an airplane spin. 24:54.000 --> 25:00.000 Around and around he goes and throws Ten Ton to the mat. 25:00.000 --> 25:02.000 Great Scott Ten Ton crashed completely through the ring. 25:02.000 --> 25:07.000 There's nothing showing above the floor but his trunk and one tusk. 25:07.000 --> 25:09.000 Well that's the end of that match. 25:09.000 --> 25:18.000 And now ladies and gentlemen we present the fight for the heavyweight title between the present champion John Garfield at 280 pounds and the challenger Killer Lois the 98 pound giant. 25:18.000 --> 25:22.000 Services will be held tomorrow. 25:22.000 --> 25:24.000 Well the challenger Killer Lois is leaving his corner. 25:24.000 --> 25:25.000 He goes to the center of the ring. 25:25.000 --> 25:26.000 Go on Jerry. 25:26.000 --> 25:27.000 Okay. 25:27.000 --> 25:31.000 Take that and that and that and that. 25:31.000 --> 25:33.000 How do you like that one punk? 25:33.000 --> 25:34.000 Take that. 25:34.000 --> 25:38.000 And now Garfield gets into the ring. 25:38.000 --> 25:41.000 The crowd cheers. 25:41.000 --> 25:43.000 Hey referee I don't think you've met my fighter. 25:43.000 --> 25:44.000 Hiya champ. 25:44.000 --> 25:45.000 I mean chump. 25:45.000 --> 25:46.000 I mean chimp. 25:46.000 --> 25:49.000 Keep going keep going he's in there someplace. 25:49.000 --> 25:52.000 I'm the referee now let's make this a good clean fight man. 25:52.000 --> 25:54.000 First I gotta take a look at your boxing gloves. 25:54.000 --> 25:56.000 Lois your gloves are okay. 25:56.000 --> 25:57.000 Swell. 25:57.000 --> 26:05.000 Now let's take a look at yours Garfield. 26:05.000 --> 26:08.000 Yours are okay too. 26:08.000 --> 26:10.000 Wait a minute what's all that stuff that fell out of his love? 26:10.000 --> 26:12.000 Iron pipes and horseshoes. 26:12.000 --> 26:14.000 That's to penalize me Killer. 26:14.000 --> 26:19.000 I'm better than you are and all that heavy iron will weigh my arms down so I can't hit you so fast. 26:19.000 --> 26:21.000 Yeah that makes sense. 26:21.000 --> 26:23.000 Look Garfield I'm gonna murder you. 26:23.000 --> 26:25.000 Yeah I'm gonna beat your brains out Lois. 26:25.000 --> 26:28.000 Well I'm gonna break both your arms fracture your skull. 26:28.000 --> 26:30.000 Well I'm gonna smash you into a pulp. 26:30.000 --> 26:32.000 Okay boys go to your corners. 26:32.000 --> 26:33.000 Bye. 26:33.000 --> 26:36.000 Bye. 26:36.000 --> 26:44.000 Okay Killer it's your big moment here's the bell for the first round. 26:44.000 --> 26:49.000 Now go out to the center of the ring remember you're a 98 pound giant and don't forget your strategy. 26:49.000 --> 26:51.000 Yeah my strategy okay. 26:51.000 --> 26:52.000 Where's that Garfield? 26:52.000 --> 26:53.000 You ready Garfield? 26:53.000 --> 26:55.000 Yeah I'm ready. 26:55.000 --> 26:57.000 Help foul foul foul. 26:57.000 --> 27:01.000 Jerry not yet will he hits you. 27:01.000 --> 27:04.000 Why take chances foul foul foul. 27:04.000 --> 27:07.000 Never mind all that faking Lois stand up and fight. 27:07.000 --> 27:10.000 I'm not worried I'm a good boxer I'm very scientific. 27:10.000 --> 27:13.000 Okay throw a couple of punches and let's see if you can land one. 27:13.000 --> 27:15.000 Okay. 27:15.000 --> 27:19.000 I'm missing you. 27:19.000 --> 27:20.000 That's pretty good. 27:20.000 --> 27:23.000 Now get inside the ring and try it. 27:23.000 --> 27:26.000 Okay here's an uppercut. 27:26.000 --> 27:28.000 Here's a left jab. 27:28.000 --> 27:30.000 Here's a right to the jaw. 27:30.000 --> 27:31.000 Here's your teeth. 27:31.000 --> 27:34.000 Thanks. 27:34.000 --> 27:38.000 And there's the bell ending round one Lois is going to his corner he seems a little woozy. 27:38.000 --> 27:40.000 Come on sit down on this stool how do you feel? 27:40.000 --> 27:43.000 Great I think I got his strategy all figured out. 27:43.000 --> 27:45.000 You got his strategy figured out? 27:45.000 --> 27:49.000 Yeah he's trying to murder me. 27:49.000 --> 27:52.000 Well remember what I told you make him keep hitting you on the head. 27:52.000 --> 27:54.000 We'll wear him down some way. 27:54.000 --> 27:56.000 And there's the bell for round two. 27:56.000 --> 27:58.000 The fighters are in a clench they're talking to each other. 27:58.000 --> 28:03.000 I'm warning you Lois I'm warning you if you don't stop following me I'm going to give you my secret long range rabbit punch. 28:03.000 --> 28:06.000 Your secret long range rabbit punch? What's that? 28:06.000 --> 28:10.000 I jump outside the ring and throw Easter eggs at you. 28:10.000 --> 28:12.000 You can't beat me Garfield I can weave too good. 28:12.000 --> 28:14.000 I can weave my way all around the ring. 28:14.000 --> 28:16.000 Look at the way I'm weaving right now. 28:16.000 --> 28:18.000 Yeah you sure can weave all right. 28:18.000 --> 28:20.000 Now put that knitting down and start fighting. 28:20.000 --> 28:23.000 Lois is circling Garfield he's keeping his distance. 28:23.000 --> 28:25.000 Now he's backing away he's still backing away. 28:25.000 --> 28:27.000 Lois is backing away farther farther. 28:27.000 --> 28:29.000 Oops they got him just in time. 28:29.000 --> 28:33.000 He was trying to signal a taxi on 8th Avenue. 28:33.000 --> 28:35.000 I'm going to finish you off in this round Lois. 28:35.000 --> 28:44.000 Don't make me laugh you couldn't beat me if you had the US Marines helping you. 28:44.000 --> 28:49.000 Ready aim fire. 28:49.000 --> 28:53.000 Lois is riddled with bullets he's falling he's going down. 28:53.000 --> 28:57.000 Jerry get up get up you yellow dog what's a few bullets. 28:57.000 --> 28:58.000 It's too late I'm finished. 28:58.000 --> 29:01.000 Jerry get up. 29:01.000 --> 29:03.000 Jerry get up. 29:03.000 --> 29:08.000 Huh what where am I? What happened? 29:08.000 --> 29:11.000 Oh Mr. Garfield just tapped you with the back of his hand and you fainted. 29:11.000 --> 29:13.000 You mean I wasn't in the ring fighting all this time? 29:13.000 --> 29:15.000 Of course not Jerry. 29:15.000 --> 29:17.000 How do you feel? 29:17.000 --> 29:20.000 All right I guess only I got a funny taste in my mouth. 29:20.000 --> 29:21.000 What is it? 29:21.000 --> 29:26.000 I don't know it tastes exactly like lemon jello. 29:26.000 --> 29:32.000 Thanks John good night. 29:32.000 --> 29:36.000 The Martin & Lois Show Transcribe to New York is produced and directed by Robert O. Redd 29:36.000 --> 29:39.000 and written by Dick McKnight Ray Allen and Roger Price. 29:39.000 --> 29:42.000 This is Wayne Howell suggesting you tune into your NBC station every Sunday evening 29:42.000 --> 29:44.000 at the same hour for the Martin & Lois Show. 29:44.000 --> 29:48.000 Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. 29:48.000 --> 30:17.000 This is NBC the National Broadcasting Company.