It's the Martin and Lewis show.
Applause!
The National Broadcasting Company brings you Transcribed from New York, the Martin and Lewis show.
Our guest tonight, John Garfield, and featuring Flo McMichael, Dick Stabeel and his orchestra, and starring Dean Martin.
Come to me my melancholy baby, caught love and only blue.
And Jerry Lewis.
Come to me my melancholy baby, I give you love and everything else baby. Cars, diamonds, pearls, penthouses, castles, yachts.
I got a lucky box of Cracker Jack.
Applause!
Well I can't give you anything but love baby.
That's the only thing I've plenty of baby.
You dream a while and you scheme a while, you're sure to find happiness.
And I guess, well all the things you think that apply for G.
But I'd like to see you looking swell baby.
Diamond bracelets, Woolworth, they ain't gonna sell to you far voles.
To that lucky day you know Dawn, well baby.
I can't give you anything but love G.
But I'd like to see you looking swell baby.
Diamond bracelets, Woolworth, they ain't gonna sell to you baby.
To that lucky day you know Dawn, well baby.
Well I can't give you anything but love.
Applause!
Ever since the boys teamed up three years ago, Dean has been meaning to do something about getting Jerry to build himself up physically.
But you know how those things go. We find them in their apartment just getting up in the morning.
Oh boy I feel great today, what a day to be alive. Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day.
You're right Dean, it is a beautiful day. I think I'll stick my head out and get a great big deep breath of that fresh air.
Jerry, you didn't hurt yourself did you?
No, I didn't hurt myself and the window hasn't got a pain either.
Alright, I just woke up.
Yeah, but not enough. Jerry, remember that little talk we had last night about your condition?
Yeah and we decided that I gotta build myself up today.
Right and we'll start by going to a gym and taking a good workout. Remember health is wealth.
Health is wealth? What's that got to do with me?
Well look at you, you're bankrupt. Seriously Jerry, I'm worried about you. Things are different today with us. We have new responsibilities.
Yeah I know, three shows a night at a night club, a radio show each week.
Motion pictures, personal appearances, benefits.
Yeah it's fun, but it's a tough schedule.
And that's exactly why we have to keep in shape. I'm really worried about you partner.
Me? Don't worry about me. I'm super healthy. Why I've got the endurance of a mule. I've got the strength of a lion.
And athletics? Why I'll dive and I'll race and I'll run and I'll jump and Dean...
What?
I'm exhausted.
See that's just what I meant and I'm gonna do something about it.
Now today you're going to eat the right kind of food. Today you're gonna go to a gym and have a nice workout and tonight you're coming home early.
Yes partner.
And why did you come home so late after the last show last night?
Oh I stopped by Ruben's restaurant. I had half a date.
Half a date? What do you mean? With a midget?
No that's not what I mean.
Well what's this half a date?
It's simple. I was there and she wasn't.
You know you might have better luck with girls if you build yourself up.
I think you're right Dean. But I can't help my size. I spent my first three months in an incubator. And I grew and grew and grew and then came that happy day.
They took you out of the incubator?
Yeah and put me into a thermos bottle.
Oh Jerry quit it will you?
No it's true Dean. True that I too was once a 98 pound weakling and then I turned the magazine page and saw that ad. He could make a giant of me. I bought the lessons, I worked.
Yes go on.
Today I am a 98 pound giant.
Look no matter how much you stall you're not going to get out of going to the gym so get dressed.
Jerry what now?
Every time I try to take a step my trousers fall down and so do I.
And what do you want me to do?
Hand me the scotch tape.
You hold your trousers up with scotch tape what's the matter? No belt?
No hips.
Why don't you use suspenders?
No shoulders either.
You sound like a guy who stumbled going through a revolving door.
You're right Dean. I should take better care of myself and tomorrow morning I'll get on a regular routine of exercises.
What are you going to do?
I'll set the alarm for 6 a.m. and when it rings I'll jump out of bed.
And then what?
Then what? Isn't that pretty good for a start?
Jerry you got to be serious about this. Now what you need is road work, health foods, calisthenics, vitamins, fresh vegetables, fruits, red meats, regular hours, lots of sleep, deep breathing and fresh air.
Stop already I'm getting exhausted again.
Well I'm all dressed Dean are you ready?
Who is it?
It's me.
Well hello Florence.
I got some fan letters for you to sign. The ones I secretaried yesterday and I wanted to get here before Mrs. Taproot comes.
Oh the president of Dean's 50 years and all the ladies fan club? She coming?
Yeah she's coming to tell me all about the last meeting of my new fan club. Isn't that nice? I said isn't that nice Jerry?
Who's jealous?
Where are the letters that you have to be signed Florence?
Oh here. I'm sorry I'm late but I had a lot of trouble getting them written.
Trouble? I thought you, I thought I told you to type them on my corona.
That's just it. It isn't easy to type a letter on a cigar.
Fan letters answered on cigars. Hey Dean that might get us some new fans. With men who know tobacco best it's Martin and Lewis quarter to nine.
Martin and Lewis quarter to nine?
Yeah with the cigars we can throw in a time signal.
Florence you know you managed to get about three fan letters answered today. I think you should do a little better than that or give up the job.
Oh I wouldn't give up the job. I'd just have to get another job and that'd be silly. You know what they say, a rolling stone gathers no moose.
A rolling stone gathers no moose? Florence it's not a rolling stone gathers no moose. It's a rolling rock gathers no moose.
This conversation could be happening but I doubt it.
Yeah Mr. Lewis is pretty odd sometimes. He should take vitamin G.
Vitamin G? What's vitamin G?
Well that's the vitamin you take that makes you strong enough to keep from getting punchy from all the other vitamins you take.
Florence I don't think you know very much about vitamins.
Oh sure I do. They're little men who run around inside you and do good things.
Oh Florence vitamins aren't little men. That's silly.
Gee Mr. Lewis you're always taking all the beauty and romance out of life.
I think you're right about his taking some kind of vitamins though we were just talking about how Jerry doesn't attract girls very much.
Yeah a girl has to be careful. Tell me do you think a girl should marry a man who's taller than she is?
Why shouldn't a girl marry a man who's taller than she is?
None of them ever ask me. Oh what Mr. Lewis?
Yeah?
How tall are you?
Oh I'm a very short little fellow. Much shorter than you. Come over here and we'll measure and I'll prove it.
Okay here I am. Should I stand up or kneel down like you're doing?
You know if it pays to be ignorant you'd do about ready to retire.
It's a good line.
I don't want to be inquisitive Florence but what kind of a man would you prefer?
Oh I like the mysterious type of man. A man that nobody sees, that nobody knows anything about, who lives a life of mystery.
Call for Philip Moray!
Well I don't want to hold you up from going to the gym. I'll go mail the letters. Bye.
Bye Florence.
You know something maybe I will go over to the gym with you Dean. How about tie my tie for me huh?
Why don't you learn to do these simple things for yourself? I'm not going to mother you anymore.
Oh come on Dean how about it huh please?
Well alright. Here stand still. There.
Gee thanks mom. You're so good to me Dean. You sure tie my tie good Dean. You're always good to me Dean.
Alright I'm good Dean. Now stop following me around.
I can't you got your finger stuck in the knot.
Ah Jerry stop your clowning. Let's get started.
Oh that must be Miss Taffroot. Come in.
Oh that wonderful voice. That glorious voice. Oh you know the motto of our club Mr Martin.
When our boy Deanie sings we soar on love's own wings.
Well thanks Mrs Taffroot. That's very nice.
But all your club members are ladies over 50 years old. How much soaring can you do with that age?
Look Sonny. Jet propulsion wasn't invented by Bobby Sox as you know.
Tell me Mrs Taffroot. Did you listen in on last Sunday's radio show?
Oh yes. And when our club members heard your voice it's just miraculous.
Well what do you mean miraculous?
Well before you got half way through your first song Mrs Crabdry's neuralgia and her leg went completely away.
Well that's me Dean Martin boy Mayo Clinic.
And then there's Mrs Blabola. She weighs 240 pounds. Mrs Blabola is our literary member.
Oh she reads a lot huh?
Oh no not at all. But for a girdle she uses bookends.
Gee you're lucky Dean. I'll bet even Crosby hasn't got a fan that's built like an encyclopedia.
So your club really enjoys Dean singing huh Mrs Taffroot?
Oh yes. And our oldest member Mrs Pramella was so happy. Your singing made her feel 40 years younger.
40 years younger?
Yes. If you'd sung a second chorus she'd have backed all the way out of her old age benefits.
Oh. Yep. From Margaret O'Brien to Marjorie Maine when Deanie sings they feel no pain.
Jerry stop ad-libbing.
That was a poem by Gerald Lewis, age two, who doesn't know any better.
Well Mrs Taffroot I'm glad my voice seems to help your members out.
Oh yes. And since you did such wonders for Mrs Crabdry's neuralgia I was wondering if you could do anything about the water on my knee.
Go ahead Dean. Sing Cruising Down the River and hope for the best.
One thing I never quite understood Mrs Taffroot. Why didn't your fan club pick on one of the uh, older singers?
Well you know Mr Martin before our club switched over to you we were fans of Nelson Eddy.
You know with his shortening bread and water boy.
What made you change to me?
Well we were tired of bread and water. We wanted meat and potatoes. Woo! Goodbye!
Goodbye!
Yeah bye Mrs Taffroot, bye.
Hey Dean.
What?
Remember when we started out as a team you kept telling me that your singer would put us in a higher bracket.
Yeah what about it?
I thought you meant money not years.
You're just jealous because it isn't your fan club and maybe we can do something about that.
Come on let's go to the gym and see if we can cure you of an acute case of skin and bones.
Me skinny? Ha ha ha ha ha. That's funny. Me skinny. Ha ha ha.
I am not.
Alright you're not skinny. But why is it your suits always look fatter when they're on the hanger?
They do?
Yeah.
And I didn't even know they were in love.
Oh what are you owing about? What do you want?
Jerry there's no use stalling. I'm still going to make you go down to the gymnasium and take that work out.
You ninety-eight pound giant Jew.
Okay. I'll make a deal with you.
I'll get on a bathroom scale and if I don't weigh more than ninety-eight pounds I'll go to that gym with you.
Ah this is a cinch. Come on.
Puney boy, puney boy, yes you are my puney boy.
I'll get on the bathroom scales in here.
Bell ringing.
Okay Dean. What does it say on the indicator now?
Services will be held tomorrow.
Well come on Jerry we're off to the gymnasium and I think I'd better carry you.
Applause.
Well it was tough work but Dean finally persuaded Jerry to go to the gym.
Bell ringing.
Well here's the gymnasium Jerry.
Gee it's a nice looking building. Hey let's take a look through the window.
Gosh look at them all running and jumping around in their shorts.
Did you ever see so many bare arms and legs? And just look at their physiques.
Yeah now let's go over to the men's side.
Yes gentlemen.
Hello I'm Jerry Lewis and I'd like to build myself up.
You want to build yourself up?
Yeah what do you recommend?
A bottle of plasma and keep your fingers crossed.
Look I've been telling Jerry about building himself up all morning. Haven't you got any trunks that'll fit him?
What size you take bud?
28.
Well here try these.
What size are they?
44.
Were you ever in the army?
Yeah.
Gee once a supply sergeant always a supply sergeant.
Say I'll need a jersey too. Want to see my chest?
Sure. Would you mind pointing it out to me?
It's right there between my shoulders.
Oh I thought it was a mole.
Okay inhale and I'll measure it.
Very interesting. Four inches.
Four inches expansion?
No just four inches of chest.
Look mister I may be kind of small but I'm plenty tough.
Yeah you're a regular Mickey Gooney.
Well let's just slip these things on and we'll see what we can do with you.
Okay I'm ready.
Now pick up that iron bar with the weights on it.
Yes sir.
Good good. Now let's try the other one.
The one with the two pound weight.
Come on Jerry you'll always be kid about your strength until you do something about it.
Okay Dean I'll try.
Now let's limber up a little. Bend down and touch the floor with your fingertips.
Oh no no keep your knees stiff.
Well as long as I'm down here I'll do some push ups.
I don't think you're ready for any more exercises today.
I'll just leave you. You can fool around the way you want to.
Okay Dean I wish I could get into one of these boxing rings and practice boxing.
They all seem to be in use.
No there's one ring that's vacant Jerry.
Look at that trainer he's balling out somebody right now.
Now you heavy weights are all alike. Too slow too heavy on your feet.
You gotta be on your toes in this business.
Now go on home and try not to be so heavy on your feet next time.
Gee Dean didn't that elephant look funny in shorts.
Hey Jerry look who's coming across the gymnasium. It's John Garfield.
Yeah I wonder what he's doing here.
Excuse me but aren't you John Garfield the movie actor.
That's right.
Well I guess you don't recognize us Mr. Garfield.
I'm Dean Martin this is Jerry Lewis. Never heard of you.
Wait a minute Mr. Garfield.
We may not be very well known but we've achieved some success.
Yeah we're over at the Copacabana nightclub icing and Jerry's a very funny guy.
He tells jokes makes the people laugh.
His wit is so fast it's like lightning.
No wonder he's built like one of those rods.
But seriously Dean I'm very glad to meet you.
Well tell the truth boys I don't get much time to go to nightclubs.
You don't go to nightclubs? What do you do in the evening?
Well I go home and go to bed.
Gee how did you ever think of that?
How come you're not in Hollywood making pictures?
Oh I like to get away from Hollywood once in a while and do something in the legitimate theater.
Did you fellas ever do anything legitimate?
Did we ever do anything legitimate?
Well when Dean stopped hanging around with those guys at the pool hall who had the car swiping concession over in Brooklyn.
Hey don't be ridiculous Mr. Garfield means did we ever do any legitimate performing? Something dramatic?
Oh dramatic. Well once we introduced a violinist.
Was it Yasha Heifetz who plays with the symphony?
No this was Yasha Fiedelbaum he plays at the Oddfellow Weddings.
You know Mr. Garfield you're one of Jerry's favorite actors.
Really?
Yes.
I admire you on a screen. Gee in Body and Soul the way you treated your women like a caveman.
Well that's my system you know treat them rough.
If the script says to grab my leading lady by the arm I shove her first.
And if it says to push them against the wall I slug them too you see.
Gee.
You know sometimes after a big love scene my knuckles are so sore I can hardly stand it.
Gee and my girl hits me if I take all the arm rest at a seat in a movie.
You see Jerry doesn't have much success romantically.
Oh that's too bad. Jerry have you ever tried taking a ride through Central Park on a moonlight night?
Oh sure we took a ride Saturday night. The moon was shining the air was balmy but I didn't get one single kiss.
Wouldn't the girl cooperate?
Girl I took my dog.
Jerry. Jerry taking a dog on a moonlight ride through the park nobody would do a thing like that.
I would but I'm only 23 years old what do I know?
Mr. Garfield you don't know how much I'd give to be like you even a little bit like you.
Oh Jerry stop kidding why there's lots of similarities between us.
There are?
Well certainly. Why we're I mean we're well we're both men.
I'll give you two to one on that.
And that's exactly why we're down here at the gym today Mr. Garfield.
Yeah I want to grow up be tough you know like James Cagney. Boy if I could only be like him.
I don't care you guys I know what the score is see. You don't fool with me now. Take this gat and know what you're doing Johnny.
Hey that's pretty good.
Say you haven't told me why you came to the gym today.
Well Jerry's decided to get himself into condition.
And since Jerry saw you in body and soul he wants to become a fighter.
A fighter? Well don't make me laugh why I've never seen such a panty waist.
What's the matter?
Look at you old panty and no waist.
Well you may think I'm frail but actually I'm as hard as nails. Last summer I did the hardest road work in the world.
Jerry the hardest road work in the world?
Sure you know those construction gangs who build roads through the hot burning deserts.
Yes.
And you know those great big boulders and rocks that they have to be broken up into little pieces.
Yes.
And all that tar and asphalt that has to be pounded and pounded until it's flat enough to make a highway.
Is that what you did?
No I painted the white line down the middle.
Well that proves it Jerry.
And I was going to suggest that we spar for a couple of rounds you know just for laughs.
Ah you'd murder Jerry he doesn't know his left hand from his right.
Now why does everybody think I'm a mental incompetent?
Well.
Maybe I can rephrase that last statement.
Well come on Jerry if you want to spar around a little I'm ready for you.
Yeah?
Well I really feel like mixing it up for a couple of rounds huh?
Yeah?
Sure how about you?
Yeah how about that?
Ah what's the matter you're not yellow are you?
Me?
Yellow?
Ah ah ah.
Well you're sitting and look like you're yellow.
Can I help it if I'm breaking out in lemon jello?
Go ahead Jerry get into the ring with Mr. Garper.
That's what you came down here for.
You get a workout.
You're not afraid are you?
Afraid?
Why I'll go in and I'll mutter this guy.
Stop it will you Dean?
Why I'll pulverize him.
Dean quit it.
I'll break every bone in his body.
Dean will you stop it?
What am I doing?
You're shoving me.
Don't worry Jerry what can happen I'll take it easy with you.
I won't hit you hard enough to bruise Margaret O'Brien.
Promise?
Promise.
I won't hit you any harder than this just the tap.
I am killer Margaret O'Brien.
Tonight I fight champ Garfield for the heavyweight title.
It's almost time for the main event.
Gee I hate to go.
It's so nice up here floating on this cloud of lemon jello.
Jerry relax lie back you're on the training table in your dressing room.
You gotta get ready for your big fight.
Yeah my big fight.
Now this is it killer you gotta get in there at the bell and start slugging.
Yeah they don't call me killer Lewis for nothing.
I'll miter this Garfield bum I'll slash him.
I'll crush his nose with my left I'll close his eyes with my right.
I'll bust his ribs and ahhhhh.
Now what was that for?
I just happened to think what if he hits me?
Come on killer buck up.
Where's your confidence?
Don't worry about me I've been practicing my old one two.
Practicing punching eh?
No counting.
I got the fight all figured out Dean.
In the middle of the first round throw in a towel.
Don't forget that throw in a towel.
You mean you're gonna give up the fight?
No I'm gonna wet one end of it and flip him unconscious.
This is gonna be a great night for me.
Can I come in?
Florence what are you doing here?
Oh I'm not the Florence you know I'm the champs girlfriend.
Champs girlfriend?
Yeah but there might be a vacancy.
I'm getting tired of the way he kisses.
Why how does he kiss?
The hard way no lips.
So you don't like the way the champ kisses huh?
Lean down here baby.
How was that?
As far as I'm concerned he's still the champ.
You're kind of cute but I'm still grateful to him.
He took me out of my old racket.
What was your old racket?
Typing letters on Corona cigars.
You still sound like Florence our secretary.
Oh how can you say that?
Don't you remember last night when you held me in your arms?
You said I was the most glamorous woman in the world.
More desirable than Hedy Lamar.
I said that?
Yeah.
I gotta get out of this boxing racket I'm getting punchy.
You better go now I gotta take care of my friend here.
So long.
So long baby.
The championship fight will go on in a few minutes.
Meantime the crowd is watching the preliminary wrestling match between Gorgeous Morgess and Ten Ton Tucker.
They're in a tight clench right now.
Gorgeous has the cross flying hammer lock on Ten Ton who has a body scissors and toe twister on Gorgeous.
Hey killer look at that match.
What a match huh?
Yeah gee I didn't even know they were in love.
And now Gorgeous gets Ten Ton over his head in an airplane spin.
Around and around he goes and throws Ten Ton to the mat.
Great Scott Ten Ton crashed completely through the ring.
There's nothing showing above the floor but his trunk and one tusk.
Well that's the end of that match.
And now ladies and gentlemen we present the fight for the heavyweight title between the present champion John Garfield at 280 pounds and the challenger Killer Lois the 98 pound giant.
Services will be held tomorrow.
Well the challenger Killer Lois is leaving his corner.
He goes to the center of the ring.
Go on Jerry.
Okay.
Take that and that and that and that.
How do you like that one punk?
Take that.
And now Garfield gets into the ring.
The crowd cheers.
Hey referee I don't think you've met my fighter.
Hiya champ.
I mean chump.
I mean chimp.
Keep going keep going he's in there someplace.
I'm the referee now let's make this a good clean fight man.
First I gotta take a look at your boxing gloves.
Lois your gloves are okay.
Swell.
Now let's take a look at yours Garfield.
Yours are okay too.
Wait a minute what's all that stuff that fell out of his love?
Iron pipes and horseshoes.
That's to penalize me Killer.
I'm better than you are and all that heavy iron will weigh my arms down so I can't hit you so fast.
Yeah that makes sense.
Look Garfield I'm gonna murder you.
Yeah I'm gonna beat your brains out Lois.
Well I'm gonna break both your arms fracture your skull.
Well I'm gonna smash you into a pulp.
Okay boys go to your corners.
Bye.
Okay Killer it's your big moment here's the bell for the first round.
Now go out to the center of the ring remember you're a 98 pound giant and don't forget your strategy.
Yeah my strategy okay.
Where's that Garfield?
You ready Garfield?
Yeah I'm ready.
Help foul foul foul.
Jerry not yet will he hits you.
Why take chances foul foul foul.
Never mind all that faking Lois stand up and fight.
I'm not worried I'm a good boxer I'm very scientific.
Okay throw a couple of punches and let's see if you can land one.
Okay.
I'm missing you.
That's pretty good.
Now get inside the ring and try it.
Okay here's an uppercut.
Here's a left jab.
Here's a right to the jaw.
Here's your teeth.
Thanks.
And there's the bell ending round one Lois is going to his corner he seems a little woozy.
Come on sit down on this stool how do you feel?
Great I think I got his strategy all figured out.
You got his strategy figured out?
Yeah he's trying to murder me.
Well remember what I told you make him keep hitting you on the head.
We'll wear him down some way.
And there's the bell for round two.
The fighters are in a clench they're talking to each other.
I'm warning you Lois I'm warning you if you don't stop following me I'm going to give you my secret long range rabbit punch.
Your secret long range rabbit punch? What's that?
I jump outside the ring and throw Easter eggs at you.
You can't beat me Garfield I can weave too good.
I can weave my way all around the ring.
Look at the way I'm weaving right now.
Yeah you sure can weave all right.
Now put that knitting down and start fighting.
Lois is circling Garfield he's keeping his distance.
Now he's backing away he's still backing away.
Lois is backing away farther farther.
Oops they got him just in time.
He was trying to signal a taxi on 8th Avenue.
I'm going to finish you off in this round Lois.
Don't make me laugh you couldn't beat me if you had the US Marines helping you.
Ready aim fire.
Lois is riddled with bullets he's falling he's going down.
Jerry get up get up you yellow dog what's a few bullets.
It's too late I'm finished.
Jerry get up.
Huh what where am I? What happened?
Oh Mr. Garfield just tapped you with the back of his hand and you fainted.
You mean I wasn't in the ring fighting all this time?
Of course not Jerry.
How do you feel?
All right I guess only I got a funny taste in my mouth.
What is it?
I don't know it tastes exactly like lemon jello.
Thanks John good night.
The Martin & Lois Show Transcribe to New York is produced and directed by Robert O. Redd
and written by Dick McKnight Ray Allen and Roger Price.
This is Wayne Howell suggesting you tune into your NBC station every Sunday evening
at the same hour for the Martin & Lois Show.
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen.
This is NBC the National Broadcasting Company.