It's the Martin and Lewis show!
The National Broadcasting Company brings you transcribed from New York, the Martin and
Lewis show. Our guest tonight, Ralph Bellamy, and featuring Flo McMichael, Dick Stabeel and
his orchestra, and starring Dean Martin,
and Jerry Lewis.
I'm just lily you attracted my attention by holding a lighted firecracker in your teeth.
But it turned out you were just a flash in the pan.
My dear old Swanee, I'd give the world to be among the folks in the IX.
I even know my mammy's waiting for me, praying for me down by the Swanee.
The folks up north will see me no more when I get to my Swanee shore.
Mammy's waiting for me, praying for me down by the Swanee.
The folks up north will see me no more when I get to my Swanee shore.
When Dean and Jerry's picture, My Friend Irma, opens at the Paramount Theatre in September,
the boys have an offer to appear on the stage at the same time, but only on one condition.
They must have a complete new act. Well, right now we find them in the theater manager's office discussing it.
But before we sign the contract, boys, there's just one thing.
Yeah?
Well, what's that, Mr. Smith?
Just this. So many people in New York have seen your act at the Copacabana by now that for your appearance here on the Paramount stage, you absolutely must have everything new in your act.
A new act, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, I got a sensational idea. I just got to work out a few of the details.
What's this new sensational idea, Jerry?
The curtain goes up on an empty stage. Dean and I walk out.
Yes, yes, and then what do you do?
Those are the details. I got to work out.
Oh, Jerry, you're so embarrassing.
Mr. Smith, I don't understand what you're worried about. Jerry and I do a pretty good act on the nightclub floor.
Oh, I know that. I was over at the Copacabana watching. Your singing is dynamite, Dean. Pure dynamite.
What about my jokes?
Son, your fuse must have got wet.
Wait, I got another idea, Dean. How about that dramatic bit we did in Atlantic City? Remember?
I was the millionaire and you were my butler, and I had that dramatic opening line, Jives, pass me the grapefruit. What a line that was.
Jives, pass me the grapefruit.
Well, Dean, did you pass him the grapefruit?
I couldn't. The audience beat me to it.
You know, I'm beginning to lose confidence in you boys.
I meant what I said before. No new act, no contract for my stage show.
Look, Mr. Smith, we've just been kidding. Of course we've got a new act. We've been working on it for months and it's sensational.
What new act, Jerry?
Dean's so modest, Mr. Smith. What new act?
All right, what new act?
Oh, I can't do justice telling you about it here in this office, but you come out to the Copa tonight and we'll show you the whole new act.
Okay, I'll be there, but I'm warning you, you'd better have something good or the whole deal's off. Good day, gentlemen.
Yes, that's what happened yesterday. Jerry and Dean have been worried all night.
And this morning we find them in their apartment still wondering about a new act to do for the Paramount stage.
You sure put us on the spot, Jerry, telling that manager we had a new act.
Well, I had to say something, Dean, or we would have lost that contract.
Yeah, but we've got to have a new act by tonight.
Hey, Dean, I just got an idea. I could be one of those guys who come out and swallow razor blades and nails. You know, the man with the cast iron stomach?
Oh, Jerry, you couldn't do that.
Sure I could. I can see it all now. I come out in the middle of the stage and start eating anything they hand me.
Nuts, bolts, spikes, tin cans, beer caps, carving knives. Our act will be a big hit.
People will bring their babies from all over just to hear me rattle.
And Dean, for an encore, I swallow daggers and swords and needles and ice picks and, Dean?
What?
My stomach hurts.
Now, Jerry, this is serious.
Hey, none of these ideas seem to be good enough, Dean. I guess we ought to...
Come in. Who is it?
It's me.
It's Florence, our secretary.
Hiya, Florence. Any mail for us today?
Oh, yeah. Here's some letters. But there's something I can't understand.
What?
Well, I mailed this letter the other day and it came back marked insufficient postage.
Well, let's see it. Well, Florence, no wonder. There's no stamp on it.
Oh, that's funny. I distinctly remember putting a stamp on it.
Did you lick the stamp good?
Ah, you have to lick it?
Well, of course you have to lick it.
Oh, I couldn't do that. I couldn't stick my tongue out at George Washington.
Florence, George Washington is on the front of the stamp. You licked the back.
Well, that's even worse. I certainly wouldn't do anything like that behind George's back.
Florence, let's not bother with that now. Jerry's got us in a real jam.
We've got to get a new act together by tonight for the manager of the Paramount Theatre.
Why don't you go back and do your old act that you started out with?
Well, you mean where Jerry and I come out on opposite sides of the stage
and I say, hello, Jerry, and I hit him in the face with an apple pie?
Oh, I'll never do that again. That was horrible.
What was so horrible?
Too much cinnamon.
You're so silly, Mr. Lewis. You know, sometimes you remind me of a picture I saw called the Snakepot.
The Snakepot? You mean that Olivia de Havilland picture?
Florence, it wasn't the Snakepot. It was the Schnookpot.
Hey, Jerry, look at all this mail Florence brought. Here's a letter from Ralph Bellamy.
You mean Ralph Bellamy, the star of that Broadway play Detective Story?
That's right. And listen to what he says. It says, Dear Dean and Jerry,
I saw you at Copacabana a few nights ago and enjoyed it tremendously.
I hope you pardon me for saying so, but I have a wonderful idea for you.
It'll make your act even better than it is. And if you are interested, please come and see me.
Regards, Ralph Bellamy.
Hey, hey, maybe this is the idea we've been looking for.
What are we waiting for, Dean? Let's go see him quick.
Well, okay. Come on, Florence.
Me?
Sure, it'll look important. I was bringing along our secretary.
Sure, Florence. Remember, when you meet Mr. Bellamy, make us look important.
Well, I do.
Oh, it's easy. You know, when you see your chance, just dropping a line about Dean being the greatest singer in show business
and me being the funniest comedian in the whole world.
The funniest comedian in the whole world.
That's it. Think you can do it?
Sure. I'll lie my head off.
Come on, let's go see Ralph Bellamy. We've got no time to lose.
Hey, Mr. Bellamy's apartment is 3408 down to your right.
Follow me, folks. 3402, 3406, 3408. Here it is.
Mr. Bellamy?
Yes, I'm Ralph Bellamy.
Well, come on in, Dean, Jerry. But I don't believe I know this young lady.
Oh, this is Florence McMichael, our secretary.
Oh, thank you, thank you for mentioning the name of such a lowly person as me. Oh, mighty master.
Florence, don't overdo it.
Well, Mr. Bellamy, we're certainly anxious to hear about the great idea you have in mind for us.
Yeah, we appreciate you taking the time to think of us. Gee, a big Broadway star like you.
Oh, I'm not really a big Broadway star.
Yes, you are, Mr. Bellamy.
Oh, come now, Jerry. I'm not really such a big star.
Oh, yes, you are.
Oh, no, I'm not.
Hey, Dean, this guy ain't a big star.
Oh, now, yes, he is. I know Mr. Bellamy, and I've seen you in your play Detective Stories.
Thank you, Dean. Let's get down to business. I've watched your act. Dean here has a fine voice.
Fine voice? He's got a wonderful voice.
Yes, that's right. And Jerry is funny, very funny.
Oh, he's funnier than funny. He's downright idiotic.
Florence, will you stop helping?
And your speaking voice is unique, Jerry.
Why, your enunciation and your vowel construction seem to be in juxtaposition with your esophagus and your larynx.
Okay, Florence, play around with that for a while.
We're all excited about this new...
A very romantic love song.
You've written a song?
Yes.
I hate to tell you this, but the good ones only come from professional songwriters.
I know about that, fellows, but this is an exception. This is art.
Well, come to think of it, Jerry, Mr. Bellamy has been around the theater, and he's smart. He knows show business.
He wouldn't write a bad song.
Sure, that's right. It has to be a hit.
Leave it to the general public, like, say, your secretary here.
Me?
Sure. It's a very romantic love song called, When My Honey Bee Starts Buzzing Around, I Always Get the Hives.
Well, what do you think of it, Florence?
Bye.
No, you don't get the clever idea of the song. You see, my honey bee is what I call a girl.
And when she starts buzzing around, that means she's not being true to me.
And I'm so unhappy, I break out in hives. See? Wonderful, isn't it? Huh?
Mr. Bellamy?
Yes?
Are you for real?
What I don't understand, Mr. Bellamy, is why you decided to have Jerry and me introduce your song.
Well, frankly, boys, I've tried everybody else, Crosby, Como, Jolson.
Just yesterday, I took it to Phil Spitalni, and he had the girls play it at a rehearsal.
Is Phil Spitalni gonna use it?
No, the song had a peculiar effect on the orchestra. Every time Evelyn played a chorus on her magic violin, she broke an A string.
Yeah, Evelyn has more trouble with her magic violin.
Why, the other night, she played that new song, Bally High, and her midriff lit up.
Well, I'll just go over to the piano and play my song for you.
First, I want to give you the background of this song. You see, I originally composed it for an old girlfriend of mine who liked romantic love songs.
Unfortunately, she's now a B-pop fan.
Oh, I see. You wrote it for an old flame, and she turned into a solid cinder.
Shut up.
Wait a minute, Dean. I don't think Mr. Bellamy got the joke.
You see, Mr. Bellamy, I said solid cinder, and it's really like an old flame that's burned out, you see.
But a cinder and a cinder is the same kind of words. B-bop, a cinder, you know? That's a B-bopper.
But my cinder was about a flame. See, this is very funny whenever I tell the cinder, look how he's staring at me.
Mr. Bellamy, why don't you play your song?
Well, here goes. When I call you on the phone, then I know you are my own. Pretty clever, huh?
Surely you can't deny that those words really mean something.
All it means to me is that you know a girl's phone number and you got a nickel.
Mr. Bellamy, you must be kidding, aren't you? Did you really write this?
Amazing, isn't it?
Sure is.
Wait till you hear the next two lines.
I know that you're the only one when I dial Trafalgar 1.
Oh, that's clever. Imagine that, Dean. He rhymed 1 with 1. Isn't that a doll?
Jerry, you're interrupting.
I'm sorry.
And then it goes, Back in school when skies were gray, I kissed her on the 10th of November.
Now, wait a second. Why don't you make that I kissed her on the 10th of May, then it'll rhyme.
I had to wait till November, you see. She had hay fever all summer.
Yeah, my eyes are starting to burn a little right now.
Well, how do you like it so far?
Oh, I think it's swell, Mr. Bellamy. What a beautiful story you tell, calling his girl on the phone.
Gee, I sit home night after night and nobody ever calls me and tells me things like that.
They don't, Lawrence? Why?
I don't know. Maybe it's because I haven't got a phone.
Lawrence, please.
Go ahead, Mr. Bellamy.
Well, in the middle, it changes, like all popular songs do. In a sun suit, everybody knows her. They all go for her southern exposure.
You mean that that girl in the song was parading around in just a sun suit?
Why, yes.
Gee, it's a good thing she didn't have a magic violin. She lit up all over.
Well, how does your song finish up, Mr. Bellamy?
Well, that's as far as I've gone. But now that most of the work is done for you, it should be simple for you to take it and put a finish on it.
Ah, I guess we'll have to. Jerry's already told the manager of the Paramount that we'll have a new act to show him at the Copa Cabana tonight.
So, come on, Jerry, Lawrence, we'll have to work fast.
Okay, I'll see you all at the Copa tonight.
Hi there, Mr. Bellamy. Glad you got here. I was beginning to think you weren't coming. Won't you sit down?
Thanks. Say, the Copa's really crowded, isn't it?
Yeah. Hey, Dean's just about ready to open a midnight floor show. Will you listen?
The old cowpoke went riding out one dark and windy day Upon a ridge he rested as he went along his way
When all at once a mighty herd of red-eyed cows he saw Aplowing through the ragged sky
And a perk-clouded dog Yippee-i-ay Yippee-i-o The ghost heard in the sky
As the riders looped on by him he heard one call his name
If you want to save your soul from hell or riding on the rain
Then cowboy, change your ways today or with us you will ride
Trying to catch the devil's herd across these endless skies
Yippee-i-ay Yippee-i-o The ghost heard in the sky
The ghost heard in the sky Yippee-i-o The ghost riders in the sky
That was wonderful. Your partner really has a marvelous voice.
You said it.
But now about my song. Did you do anything with it?
Did we do anything with it? Why didn't you hear it? We made a big production number out of it.
But you're going to have to help us by acting one of the parts out.
Acting one of the parts in a nightclub?
Well, you'll have to help us out though, Mr. Bellamy. We go on right after Dean sings.
You see, the manager at Paramount Theatre just rushed over from the theatre to catch the act.
Come on over. I want you to meet him.
Mr. Smith, this is the composer of our new act, Ralph Bellamy.
How do you do?
Hello, Mr. Bellamy. So you're a songwriter, eh?
Oh, not professionally. Mr. Bellamy is an actor in the legitimate theatre.
The legitimate theatre? What in the world's that?
The kind that doesn't sell popcorn in the lobby.
Now look here, Lewis. This new act of yours better be good.
You didn't sound very convincing in my office yesterday.
If you're wasting my time, the whole deal is off.
Oh, you'll love it, Mr. Smith. It's a very beautiful and romantic song, broken up by tense, dramatic scenes.
Well, I still have my doubts.
You'll find out in a second. That's our cue. Excuse us.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Copacabana proudly presents Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, Florence McMichael, and Ralph Bellamy
in a new musical extravaganza entitled...
When My Honey Bee Starts Buzzin' Round, I Always Get the Hives.
Okay, Dean, you start it off.
When I call you on the phone, then I know you are my own.
I know that you're the only one when I dialed Trafalgar 1.
The scene, a side street off Trafalgar Square in London.
Eighteen fog-shrouded blocks into the Limehouse District, two British criminals meet in front of a saloon.
Nice save there, Jerry old dog.
What's on your mind, Dean old meatball?
What say we go in this here saloon and whittle our whistle, eh?
Blimey, that's a good idea. Let's go in.
Dean, this is a rum pub. Them swinging doors are in very bad taste.
Very bad taste? How can you say that?
I just tasted one.
Jerry, you got any idea how we can maybe make a few shillings, eh? Maybe a stick-up, eh? A nice little murder, eh?
Stick-up? Murder? Dean, all you think about is work, work, work. Why don't we have some amusement, go out and slug some barbies?
I got a better idea, Jerry. Girls.
Ah, that ain't no fun going out and slugging girls.
Nah, you blinkin' idiot, we don't go out and slug the girls. We get friendly with the girls. We buy them drinks. We talks to them.
Oh, we cozies up to them, right? Gets chummy, right?
Right. Then we slugs them.
I say, Dean, there's a likely-looking girl standing at the bar. I'll go over and start a casual conversation.
I'll be very polite and subtle. She'll never suspect that I'm really working up to buying her a drink.
I say, then, Miss.
I'll have a large beer.
Someone asked you?
In case you're interested, short, dark and underfed, my name is Bridgett Mulley O'Monahan McRiley Colleen O'Kelly Murphy.
Do tell. And where do you hail from?
Italy.
All right, Jerry, off with you. I seen her first.
You may have seen her first, but she goes for me she does.
I don't go for you all, your friend. Neither of you is exactly Cary Grant, you know.
Did you say Cary Grant? No, Judy, Judy, Judy, you can't take a baby out of a man's life and expect him to go home living the way he has been.
It's not right.
Wait a minute, Jerry. What have you done to my beautiful song?
Oh, I just fixed it, Mr. Bellamy. I can prove it, too, by Mr. Smith.
Hey, Mr. Smith, what do you think of the act so far?
Boo.
What?
Boo.
You see, he loves it. Come on, Mr. Bellamy, you're acting in this next part. Sing it, Dean.
I'll always have you in my heart because I love you from the start.
Back in school when skies were gray, I kissed you on the tenth of November.
Oh, who can forget those high school days, going to see your first girl, the scene, a high school boy walking up to the door of his girl's house.
Boy, I'll bet my girl Ethel will be glad to see me. I'll knock.
Who is it?
Hiya, sugar cookie. It's me, your snuggle bunny.
All right, you can come in, Gerald, but I've already got company. It's my other boyfriend, Ralph Bellamy, the Bigfoot Ball Star.
Hello.
Look, squirt, freeze the crowd. When two persons have some serious neck-in-a-doo and some dopey person is around interrupting, it's embarrassing.
Oh, yeah? Don't listen to him, Ethel. You stay right here.
Never mind here, Matthew.
Here, Ethel, I brought you a present. It's a piece of the jersey I wore when I made 147 touchdowns last Saturday.
147 touchdowns, 147 touchdowns. You think he won the game or something?
Dean, we'll be a big hit with Mr. Smith.
Don't kid yourself. Mr. Smith really hates the act now.
What makes you think that?
Well, look at him. He just set himself on fire.
Oh, he's just lighting a cigar. I'll bet that means he's happy, Dean. Now go on, sing the next part of the act.
In a sun suit, everybody loves her. They all go for her southern exposure.
The scene, the deep south, Magnolia, a beautiful southern belle, is calling to her father, Colonel Jerry Lewisson Pepper.
Oh, father, father.
Yeah, why y'all do all you do all while? Why y'all hankering at the door that are?
Oh, father, the tourists have all gone. You can thin out your accent a little now.
Gotta keep my accent right, Magnolia. I got an audition tomorrow with the lucky strike people.
Forty-four.
So number two.
Father, my beau Ralph is coming over to call me. Maybe he'll pop the question tonight.
Oh, there's Ralph now. You better go in the next room, Papa.
All right, daughter, I'll go.
Hi-yo, Magnolia.
Ralph, honey, sugar, lamb pie. Come and sit on the sofa.
Oh, now, Magnolia, I know why y'all want me to sit on the sofa.
You do?
Yep. When I left last night, I peeked in the window and I saw you rooting under the cushions from a loose chain.
Say, Magnolia, I'd like to give you a little kiss, but your pappy might object.
Oh, father won't even know. He's a half mile away cutting sugarcane. He won't know what's going on back here at the house.
Well, okay, then.
Aha! Caught you, Bellamy! This means you do! We'll shoot it out, that's what we'll do!
Okay, I got my gun right here.
You got a gun?
Sure have.
Make yourself the home friend.
So when I'm low and feeling blue, I lift the phone and talk to you. Cause when I call you upon the phone, you are my very own.
And talk to you, cause when I call you upon the phone, you are my very own.
Not someone else's.
You are my very own.
Well, Jerry, did you ask Mr. Smith what he thought of your new act?
I couldn't. He stormed out of here so mad he couldn't see. Well, there goes our contract to appear at the parliament.
Oh, not necessarily, Jerry. There's two months till September and we still have a chance to put a new act together by then.
I just happened to think, I got another song that's a wow!
Oh, no, no, no.
Boy, it'll be perfect to build your act around. It's got a much better title too. It's called, When My Baby Lamb Pulls the Wool Over My Eyes, I Always Feel Real Bad!
Well, that does it. Thanks for coming over tonight, Mr. Bellamy.
Good night, fellas.
Good night. See you next week, folks.
The Martin & Lewis Show, Trans-France and New York is produced and directed by Robert L. Redd and written by Ray Allen and Dick McKnight.
Next Tuesday, our guest will be Charlie Ruggles.
This is Ed Hurley, he's suggesting you tune in to your NBC station each Tuesday evening at the same hour for the Martin & Lewis Show.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.