It's the Martin & Lewis Show!
Yes, the National Broadcasting Company brings you Transcribed from Hollywood, the Martin & Lewis Show.
Our guest tonight, Bill Hopalong Cassidy Boy, featuring Flo McMichael, Sheldon Leonard, Ben Alexander, Dix DeBeele and his orchestra, and starring Dean Martin.
The Leaves of Brown came tumbling down, remember, in September, in the rain.
And Jerry Lewis!
Yes, the Leaves of Brown came tumbling down, remember, in September, in October, in November, in December, in January.
Boy, was that tree loaded with brown leaves!
And now, let's hear it for Bill Hopalong.
Now, let's hear it for Bill Hopalong.
Has anybody seen my gal?
Five foot two, eyes are blue, but oh, what those five foot could do, has anybody seen my gal?
Now, if you run into five foot two, covered with fur, diamond rings and all those things,
I bet you'll laugh that it wasn't her.
Could she love and could she coo? Could she, could she, could she woo?
Has anybody seen my gal?
For the past couple of days, Dean and Jerry have been unable to come to an agreement on where to spend their vacation.
As we look in at their little apartment, we find it littered with travel folders and resort ads, and the discussion's still going on.
Jerry, we've been talking about every place I can think of to spend a vacation, and you just won't make up your mind.
I did make up my mind. The Canadian Rockies. It's beautiful up there.
I read all about it in that new book I got from the Book of the Year Club.
You mean the Book of the Month Club?
No, I read slow.
You know, I've always wanted to see the tropics. Jerry, how about Hawaii?
Hawaii? Ah, beautiful Hawaii.
No, I don't think I'd like it there.
Ah, but Hawaii has those beautiful tropical nights with the palm trees in the background.
And Waikiki Beach with the warm rolling surf. Beautiful native girls in those grass skirts.
Where do I get my vigoro when I'll go with you?
Ah, Jerry, winter will be here before you make up your mind.
I'll tell you. Let's just load the car, and I'll go down to the service station and get a road map.
You'll get a road map? Ah, Jerry, that's a wonderful way to spend a vacation. Lost.
Lost? Listen, I can read a road map. Just suppose we were going to make a trip to Lake Tahoe, say.
Now, we lay the map down on the ground with the arrow facing north, which is to our south because the station is on our right facing east.
We follow the red line to the Mexican border. No, that's wrong.
We back up here and take this road marked 18. No, that's the number Miles to Pomona.
Well, anyway, we turn here and go around to here and, well, then if we go, there's a detour. Dean?
What? I'm lost.
Well, this is going to be a great vacation. I can see that. Come in.
Well, hello, Florence. Hi, Florence. How's our secretary?
Hello, Mr. Martin, Mr. Lewis. I'm fine.
Maybe you can help us, Florence. If you had your choice on where to go on a vacation, where would it be?
Well, let's see. Well, I drive north to San Francisco and then east past Lake Tahoe and into Nevada, and then I turn around and back into Reno.
You'd back into Reno? Sure. I didn't want to get a divorce. I want to get married.
We just wanted an idea, Florence. Where did you go on your vacation?
To the beach. You should see the hit I made in my French bathing suit. Oh, you have a French bathing suit, huh?
Yeah. I designed it myself. I got the idea from a movie I saw. Well, which movie?
Lady Gamble.
Hey, maybe we should go to the beach, Dean. After all, I have a French bathing suit, too.
Jerry, men don't wear French bathing suits. They don't? No.
Anybody want to buy us Trapless Anchor Chiff?
Say, why don't you go to the mountains? That's where I went last summer, up to Hairless Lake.
Hairless Lake? Now, where in the world is Hairless Lake?
Oh, you know, it's that big bunch of water that's held back by Balder Dam.
Balder Dam?
What? It's not Balder Dam. It's Balder Dame.
Here's the mail that came this morning. Now, you go on, take it home and answer it.
Don't worry about a thing. You're going to be all right. Okay. Bye.
Well, let's run through these tourist folders once more, Jerry. Now, you listen to me closely. Sun Valley, Yosemite.
Well, what do you know? A little bitty tap on the door and it popped open. Well, now that I'm inside...
Hey, wait a minute. Who are you? Dean, don't you remember him? It's the guy who lives in the next apartment, Soapy Leonard.
You said that's right, Soapy Leonard. They call me Soapy because I'm 99 and 44, 100% pure.
Now, let me tell you about this vacation of yours. Now, you just wait a minute. How do you know we were talking about our vacation?
It's easy. I used to be a house detective.
You were a house detective, Mr. Leonard? Yeah, sure. That's me. Tall, dark and transom.
Now, look, we were having a fine little private conversation and you're nothing but an eavesdropper.
I am not an eavesdropper. No, sir. I got a perfectly legitimate hole drilled in your baseboard.
Oh, well, then you're a peepin' Tom. I certainly am not. I hate peepin' Toms. I'm a listening Louie.
Now, when I overheard you talking, I got struck with a great idea for you guys. Now, this is wonderful.
You see, a camping trip, a vacation for you up in the high Sierra Mountains.
Oh, no, that's not for Jerry Lewis. Why, it is for Jerry Lewis. Just the thing you need.
Put muscles on you. Build up your chest. Chest? What's that?
Look, what do you think happens to the air when you inhale? I don't know. All I do is exhale.
You know, Jerry, maybe Soapy's got something there. You could do with a little building up.
Yeah, certainly. That's right. And not only will it build you boys up, it will also save your money.
Now, you just leave everything to me. I'll fix you up with all the stuff you need, everything.
Now, all that you really want, though, is just a few crackers to munch on.
Well, what do you figure it'll cost? A few crackers? I don't know. $500?
$500 for a few crackers? You want salt on them, don't you?
Now, look, we're not paying any $500 to go on a camping trip.
Well, all right, all right. I can probably get it for you a little cheaper, but there is one thing I want you to know.
If I am going to be nice enough to go to the bottom of handling your money, you will have to trust me.
You do trust me, don't you? Oh, yes, of course.
Bless his stupid little heart.
It's all said. I need a little money to get the equipment. I tell you what, we will all contribute equally, huh?
Okay, here's $50.
Here's my $50.
Here's my $50.
All right, I'll go get the provisions. I'll see you boys later.
Okay, so please.
Well, I don't know. That soapy doesn't seem like much of an outdoor man to me, Jerry. I hope we didn't make a mistake.
Maybe we should have gone to Boulder Day.
Oh, come on, Jerry. We'll throw some more clothes together and be on our way to the High Sierra.
Jerry, why are you stopping here?
I think I better have another look at this map.
I'm sure we'll be lost. I ain't seen nothing but animals along this road for an hour.
Yeah, Jerry, you got us lost in the middle of these woods.
Don't you blame me, Dean Martin. You told me to follow the white strip down the highway, and that's exactly what I did.
Well, let's drive on then. What are you waiting for?
The white strip. It's sitting up in that tree looking at me.
The road's under. The only thing to do is unload the car and camp here for the night.
Hey, Jerry, you get the stuff out of the back seat.
And Jerry, be careful with those hunting guns.
Okay, okay. Boy, this stuff is really packed in here tight.
Imagine that Dean telling me to be careful with these hunting guns.
What does he think I am, a kid or something?
Jerry, you all right?
Yeah, Dean, there's only one thing.
What's that?
Don't mount my head over the fireplace. Don't let people hang hats on my ears.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, you smell that air. Oh, what a great night's sleep we're gonna get out here, huh?
Yeah, maybe so, but what are we gonna sleep on?
Well, there's nothing to it, kid. You just spread your blankets on the ground.
It's gonna be nice and soft when you snuggle up to Mother Nature.
I'll lie down and try it.
Ow, ow!
What's the matter, kid?
Feels like Mother Nature forgot to take her corset off.
Hey, Jerry, I've been looking all through the car and I can't find any matches.
I forgot them.
The one thing that we trust you to get and you forget it,
I gotta go back to town and get the matches, all right, matches.
Let's see how I'll need a little money.
How much, Sophie?
Let's see now, matches, I don't know, about 20 bucks will do it.
20 dollars for a box of matches?
You want sulfur on them, don't you?
Ah!
I'm just giving you one dollar. You can steal the matches for all I care.
Well, now dinner is a proposition that appeals to my sporting instincts.
All right, I'll drive the car back to town. So long, boys.
Well, Jerry, we're on our own.
Here we are, just the two of us in the middle of the woods.
Yeah, it's so dark here and I'm scared.
Will you hold my hand, Dean, please?
Oh, thank you, Dean.
Ah!
Jerry, I'm not holding your hand.
You're not?
Ah!
Jerry, you're holding your own hand.
I am?
Ah!
Jerry, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Now, let's fix up a couple of beds and get some sleep.
I don't know about you, but I'm gonna take this axe and make a bed out of branches.
This looks like a good branch here.
Keep on, Jerry. You're almost through the bark.
Look, almighty woodsman. Now, you put down that axe and come over here.
We've got sleeping bags. Now, go on and get into yours.
Oh, all right.
They're a little complicated, you know. Are you sure you know how to handle yours?
Don't worry about Jerry, Louie.
There.
Well, you got your pants off. Now, get into sleeping bags.
Don't worry. I'll handle this.
Hey, hey. Hey, listen.
Dean, did you hear something?
Yeah, what was it?
It was over that way, but I can't see anything.
Wait a minute. Yeah, it's getting clearer.
I see it.
What is it?
A television set.
Oh, yeah, that's no television set. That's William Boyd. Hop along, Cassidy.
Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Cassidy. How come you're pointing those guns at us?
These guns have a handy habit of picking out rustlers, that's why.
Rustlers?
Yeah, some lowdown vomits got away with a thousand head of my cattle, and I think I know who.
Honest, Mr. Cassidy, we haven't got your thousand head of cattle. If you don't believe it, you can search us.
You can stop that right now. Talking like city slickers isn't going to throw me off the trail.
Honest, Mr. Boyd, we're not rustlers. We've never been rustlers. We don't even know any rustlers.
Wait a minute, Dean. What about Gorgeous George?
We're Martin and Lewis, Mr. Cassidy. We're comedians. Haven't you heard us on the radio?
I've heard Martin and Lewis on the radio, but if you're them, what are you doing out here in the woods, sleeping on the ground with nothing but crackers to eat?
Oh, well, maybe you'll get a sponsor soon.
You must know us, Mr. Cassidy. We're in movies, you know. We just finished a picture of Paramount called My Friend Irma.
My Friend Irma? That's a funny name for a Western.
It's not a Western, Mr. Cassidy. A lot of pictures are made that aren't Westerns.
Well, when did they think of that?
Now, that's enough of this small talk. If you'll tell me where my cattle are, I might ask the law to go a little easier on you.
Honest, Mr. Cassidy, we haven't got your cattle. We haven't got any animals. All we've got is a little flying red horse in the car.
A little flying red horse in the car. So shoot me, I made a Western boo-boo.
You sure did. And you've been trying to tell me you're Jerry Lewis, the comedian.
Sure, and I'm a singer, too. Oh, give me a home with a buffalo roam.
Well?
I wouldn't sing like that around here if I was you, partner.
Why not?
The government pays a pretty big bounty for coyote hides.
Coyote? What's a coyote?
That's a mel-tour-may with fur on it.
All right, Mr. Cassidy, if I can't convince you who we are, maybe Dean can do it. Would you recognize Dean's voice if you heard it?
I reckon.
Okay, Dean, will you get us out of this spot? Sing that one I was humming while we were driving up here.
Oh, you must mean again, huh?
That's right.
All right, I'll do my best.
This is the one in a lifetime.
This is a thrill to hide.
Oh, what's more, this never happened before.
Oh, I have prayed for a lifetime that such as you would suddenly be mine.
Mine to hold as I'm holding you now and yet never so near.
Mine to have whether now and the here disappear.
What matters, dear, for when?
This doesn't happen again.
We'll have this moment forever.
But never, never again.
Ah, that was great singing, Dean.
Thanks, Hoppy.
And now you're convinced we're Martin and Lewis?
Yeah, but I still gotta catch those rustlers. It's pretty late.
If you fellas don't mind, I'll stay here tonight and ride after them first thing in the morning.
It's okay with us.
Well, Hoppy, I'm gonna turn in for the night and get some sleep.
There, I'm in my sleeping bag.
I'm in my sleeping bag.
You in your sleeping bag, Jerry?
No, in the dark, I put my pants back on.
Well, good night, fellas.
Good night.
Good night. Oh, boy.
Am I gonna sleep tonight?
Gee, Hoppy's gonna get up tomorrow and chase rustlers.
He sure leads an exciting life.
I wish I could go out and chase rustlers like he does.
Jerry. Jerry. Jerry.
Not tonight, Lana. I'm having a Western dream.
Come on, Jerry. Dean, I just got word the rustlers in the Red Dog Saloon down at Panamint City. I gotta go.
Wait a minute, Hoppy Long. You can't catch them without me.
Give me a six shooter and I'll go with you.
Can you handle a six shooter?
Can I handle a six shooter?
I just said, give me a six shooter and I'll go with you. And you got the nerve to ask me if I can handle one.
Well, can you?
Well, no.
Well, of course Jerry can handle a gun. Come on, let's get on the horse and ride into the Red Dog Saloon.
Okay. Oh, boy.
Hop, I'm on.
Hop, I'm on.
Hop, I'm on.
Whoa, ho.
Now look, fellas, we're not all supposed to be on the same horse.
That's right. Come on, Jerry. Let's get on our own horses and get moving.
Boy, look at that go. Yee-hoo. Yippee. Hey, Hoppy Long, how do you like the way I ride?
Wait a minute, partner. You're facing the wrong way. You're riding backwards.
Oh, I wondered why my horse was so round-shouldered.
Now Jerry, you got us lost again. We'll never get to the Red Dog Saloon this way.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Look, isn't that the Red Dog right over there?
Ah, that's nothing but a mirage.
Well, let's head for that. It's better than nothing.
You know, Jerry, you sure are the bow-leggedest cowboy I ever saw.
I ain't so bow-legged.
Oh, no? Then what became of your horse?
Well, I'm gone. Slipped out from under me again.
Well, it doesn't matter. Whoa.
Well, here we are at the Red Dog Saloon. Let's go in.
Hey, Jerry, look at the girl coming over here, the one with the even gun and all the diamonds.
Looks like our secretary, Florence.
Yeah.
Hello, boys. Welcome. Welcome to the Red Dog.
Hey, who are you supposed to be?
Why, I'm Texas Buckshot Bertha, the queen of the dance halls.
I'm the most gorgeous gal west of the panament.
Why, the cowboys come for hundreds of miles just to look at me and let my beauty drive them crazy.
Hey, Florence.
What?
Are you for real?
Of course I'm not for real. This is a western dream, isn't it?
Now, what can I do for you, boy?
You're pretty attractive.
You like the perfume I got on? It's a scent from Cody.
Smells more like it was sent from North Dakota.
Well, I'm tired of all this dawning around. Some russians got away with a thousand head of my cattle. You got any idea where I can find them?
Hey, look, I'm the proprietor. I just happened to overhear what you gent said. You see, I got a little hole drilled in a bar.
Sophie, what are you doing here? We sent you for matches.
Yeah, where's that dollar I gave?
Well, I'll tell you, boys, I got a confession to make. I was going to spend the dollar for matches, you see, but on the way, I ran into a very nice deal. A thousand head of cattle for a buck.
Those were my cattle.
Well, all right, all right, stranger, don't get excited. I'm a guy who always does the right thing. Here's your buck.
I don't want that dollar. I want my herd of cattle, and I'm going to get it.
Now, let's don't get excited, man. We can talk it over level-headed like, but first, how about a drink in the house, huh?
I don't drink.
I don't drink either.
I'm kind of thirsty.
Now, I'm going to search this saloon for them cattle.
Starting with this room right here.
No, no, wait, wait, look, don't open that door.
Why not?
Well, you see, I got me a lady friend, and I hit her in there.
Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.
Oh, pardon me. I thought he was lying, ma'am.
Well, you might have caught me, but it ain't going to do you any good because I got you covered. Get your hands up, you skinny little punk.
Listen, I'm not afraid of you.
I got a chest that's just as big as yours, and I got a right-hand punch that'll knock you for a loop,
and I got a left-hand punch that'll break you in half, and I'm so full of muscles that I could take iron and bend it and tear steel with my teeth.
And if I ever grab you, boy, and if I ever really eat, look how he's staring at me.
I'm taking over here, Soapy. You're going to see the sheriff.
Yeah, well, if you want me to see the sheriff, you guys will have to take me. I have got my gun drawn.
I've got my gun drawn.
I've got my gun drawn.
Wait a minute.
What's the matter?
I can't find any paper and pencil.
I ain't waiting, Jerry. I'm finishing off this wrestler right now.
Wait a minute, Dean. Don't shoot him.
The government's got a price on his head.
Yeah, $10,000.
Hey, hey, you say, did I understand you to say that the government has got a price of $10,000 on my head?
That's right.
Tell you what I'll do. Here's a way to make a fast buck.
You give me $5,000, you can have my head.
Wait a minute. $5,000 for your head?
You want it with hair on it, don't you?
Wake up, Jerry. Jerry, wake up.
What? What?
You've been hollering and screaming for five minutes. You must have been having a nightmare.
Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you guys.
Boy, what a dream I had. We got on some horses, see?
And we rode and rode and rode down to some saloon and captured a cattle-ruster. Boy, was it awful.
Jerry, take it easy. You've been right here in your sleeping bag.
Yeah, Jerry, you haven't been doing any riding. Now go on and go to sleep.
Okay, Dean. Dean.
What?
You said I haven't been doing any riding?
Of course not.
Then how come I can't be comfortable anyway except lying on my stomach?
Thank you, Bill Boyd, for being with us. Good night, everybody. Bye.
The Martin Lewis Show Transcribed in Hollywood is produced by Robert L. Redd, written by Ray Allen and Dick McKnight with Mort Lockman and Sy Rose.
Next week, our guest will be Burt Lancaster.
This is Ben Alexander, suggesting you tune in to your NBC station each Tuesday evening at the same time for The Martin and Lewis Show.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.