It's the Martin and Lewis Show!
Yes, the Nashville Broadcasting Company brings you Transcribe from Hollywood, the Martin
and Lewis Show.
Our guest tonight is Victor Moore and featuring Flo McMichael, Sheldon Leonard, Ben Alexander,
Dick Stabilini's Orchestra and starring Dean Martin.
You sigh the song begins, you speak and I hear, violins, it's magic.
And Jerry Lewis!
Yes it was magic, that night on a back porch, when you smiled I heard violins, when you
kissed me I heard angel voices, when your father came out I heard all over.
Well last week Dean and Jerry opened an engagement at Ciro's nightclub in Hollywood.
Business has been sensational, that started them thinking and now we find them entangled
in a scheme to buy a nightclub of their own.
It all started when they were having breakfast in their apartment the other morning.
I don't feel so well, I think maybe something's wrong with me.
Working hard, doing two shows every night, you should take better care of yourself.
Sophie what brings you all the way over from next door at this time of the day?
Well I just wanted to grab a gander at the sporting pages, you know I had a bad break
this morning, my neighbor on the other side of the hall, he got up early and he beat me
to his paper.
Why are you always so interested in the newspaper first thing in the morning?
Well I always like to check on my investments you know, I had black shanty in the face the
tan friend yesterday, paid 24 to 2.
Hey look I had the winner in the 30th, the 5th and the 7th races too, and look the Dodgers
win for me, yeah yeah yeah.
And I had a fin on the Green Panther in the wrestling at the stadium.
How'd you come out on the day Sophie?
It was 18 bucks.
Hey look here's your pictures in the papers, now appearing at Ciro's it says, hey you know
you boys you do a great act, I caught you opening night.
Oh were you at Ciro's opening night?
Oh yeah yeah.
Where were you sitting?
I had a very cheap table, it was in no man's land.
No man's land?
Yeah yeah.
The table between Hedda and Luella.
Miss Parsons and Miss Hopper gave us some very nice reviews and it's helped a lot.
Every night the people are packed in like caviar.
Jerry like sardines.
At other clubs yes, but at Ciro's they're packed in like caviar.
You're drawing crowds that big every night hey?
You know something that gives me an idea.
What are you going to do when you finish your engagement there?
Oh we're going to take a little vacation, I want to go to Palm Springs.
Jerry the vacation idea is alright but Palm Springs is a winter resort, it's too hot there
now.
It's at least 120 degrees in the shade.
Oh that's alright, we'll stay out in the sun.
We'll stay out in the sun.
That was a swifty.
Hey listen to me, listen, you boys won't want to go away anywhere when you hear this sensational
idea of mine.
Oh no Sophor, you don't get a penny out of us.
Oh wait a minute my boy, courage.
Where would Robert Fulton be today if he had been afraid to say those magic words, let
him eat cake?
Remember that, remember just before he took off with Kitty Hawks?
Remember?
You know you sound like you learned history from a wet reader's digest.
Seems too smart for you Sophor, you'll never outsmart him.
Oh you think so eh?
Yeah, you better talk to me.
That's an excellent suggestion.
Now Jerry my boy, how would you like to own your own nightclub?
My own nightclub?
Yeah.
Oh boy, imagine me with a big nightclub right in Hollywood.
See you boys are drawing a lot of cash customers into that Syro's joint for the guy that owns
the place.
What you ought to do is you ought to own your own nightclub.
We're doing alright Sophor.
Oh yeah sure you are, but when you own your own nightclub you see, you do your own act
in it and the whole thing belongs to you.
Now look, I'll show you.
Say that Sam, your bartender, say he takes in a thousand dollars.
Now who pockets the dough?
We do.
No, no.
Sam does, he's my brother.
You boys are going to do all wrong.
You see at the end of the day you open the cash register and then I figure out how to
divide the profits.
Oh no, I'm going to take half.
And I'm going to take the other half.
Now wait a minute, you boys are leaving me out in the cold.
Go sleep with Sam.
Well I'll admit that I'd like to be in business for myself Sophor, but how could Jerry and
I ever own a nightclub?
Well now I happen to know of a nice little club that you could lease real cheap.
Four thousand bucks.
Gee.
That's one of them, keep going kid, just three more G's and you're an S for it.
How do you figure it'll cost us four thousand dollars to get a lease on this little club
you have in mind?
Well I'll tell you, there's, let's see, there's two hundred and fifty for fixtures and there's
two hundred and fifty for supplies, there's five hundred for rental and there's three thousand
bucks for goodwill.
Three thousand for goodwill?
Yeah, he's a cousin of good Sam.
I just think of it kid, I can see that sign out front now, the sign that says the Martin
and Lewis Club, huh?
Well I am supplying the brains, it's up to you to get the money.
Okay Sophor, we'll try to raise the cash somehow.
Master spirit, let me know how you make out, I'll see you later.
Gee Dean, I'm surprised you went for Sophor's idea so fast.
I didn't go for it at first, but if we could get the money it's worth looking into.
Yeah, gee a nightclub of our very own.
Come in, who is it?
It's me.
Oh it's Florence, our secretary, how are you Florence?
Oh I'm fine, I brought in your fan mail.
Here's four hundred and twelve letters for you Mr. Martin and Mr. Lewis.
Yes?
Here's your letter.
Only one letter for me, and Dean gets four hundred and twelve?
Gee every day this happens, Dean gets four hundred and twelve letters and I get one.
Well?
Well I'm getting sick of the do here, sick sick sick.
Hey Florence, what would you say if I told you that Sophie's got a deal where Dean and
I will own a nightclub?
Oh that would be wonderful, but where do I fit in?
I couldn't be your secretary anymore.
Well maybe you could do something else, maybe you could be the cigarette girl.
Oh I couldn't be a cigarette girl, I don't smoke.
Florence, you don't have to smoke, you just sell the smokes to customers, and just think
you could wear an abbreviated costume.
Oh no, Florence McMifle doesn't walk around in any abbreviated costume.
Why not?
I don't want people to see my initials.
Alright Florence, you can wear any costume you want.
I wonder if I could really sell cigarettes.
Let's see, how does that slogan go again?
Call for Max Morris, call for Max Morris.
Max Morris?
Yeah, he's a nephew of Sam.
Florence, you don't seem to understand what we're talking about at all.
Well I don't know much about nightclubs, I've only been to one in my whole life.
Really?
What one was that?
Florentine Gardens?
Macombo?
No, it was that other one, Flapsy Missy's.
Flapsy messy?
Florence, it's not Slapsy Messy's, it's Sloppy Messy's.
I'll see you later, bye.
Look, where do people go when they need money?
To a loan company.
Hey, that's not a bad idea, Jerry.
I'll tell you what, you look up the address of the nearest loan company and meanwhile
I'll just run over one of the songs I'm going to sing tonight at Sears, how's that?
Oh, that would be just Cardinal Sing It Man.
Where are you now that I need you now that I want you so badly I could cry
Where are you where did fate lead you
Funny how I dream you'd still be standing by
I had you at my beck and call I called you anytime at all
I guess it took too much for granted I never thought I'd lie awake and sigh
Where are you now that I need you now that I love you
So madly I could die
I had you at my beck and call I called you anytime at all
I guess it took too much for granted I never thought I'd lie awake and sigh
Where are you now that I need you now that I love you
So madly I could die
You know, Jerry, I hope we can swing this deal.
I've sort of fallen in love with the idea of owning our own nightclub, being our own
bosses and working for ourselves.
Yeah, me too.
I can hardly wait to get started.
Well, here's the loan company office.
The confidential loan company.
Let's go in.
Pardon me, mister.
Are you connected with the confidential loan company?
That's right.
Come right into my private office.
Look, mister, we're Martin and Lewis.
Oh, yes.
I saw your picture in Quick Magazine.
You're the pixelated pair.
Well, that's right.
Let me handle this, Dean.
Look, mister, I'll come right to the point.
I'm Jerry Lewis, the comedian.
So let's snap it right up.
What do you say?
I'll just take $4,000.
Well, let's see.
Anything of value in the way of assets?
Well, I got a life insurance policy for $1,000.
How much premium do you pay?
$1,000 a year.
Jerry, you pay $1,000 a year for $1,000 worth of life insurance?
Yeah.
You're in a tough spot.
You lose money if you die and you can't afford to go on living.
I'm afraid your insurance isn't worth very much.
Tell you what.
Why don't you take out a note for the money and get a co-signer to guarantee it for you?
A who's signer?
A co-signer.
Do you happen to know a respectable party?
No, but I can take you to one tonight where they play spin the bottle.
I'm sure you won't have any trouble finding somebody.
Look, my files are full of co-signed notes.
Here's one co-signed for the Second National Bank.
Here's another co-signed by Victor Moore.
And here's another one...
I get the idea, mister.
Thanks a lot.
I think I know where I can get a co-signer.
Come on, Dean.
So long.
Jerry, what was the idea of rushing me out of there?
Didn't you hear him, Dean?
He said Victor Moore.
Co-signed one of those notes.
What about it?
Well, he's an actor.
He's in show business.
I bet he'll help us out.
Yeah, my work at that, Jerry.
Come on.
We can't lose anything by going to see him.
Yes, come in.
Mr. Moore?
Yes, I'm Victor Moore.
Say, will you excuse me a moment?
I'm on the telephone.
Well, sure.
Go right ahead.
And James, call the laundry and tell them to put more starch in my union suit next week.
I fell down three times this morning before I found out what was wrong.
And be sure to tell the cook to boil my breakfast egg tomorrow, full, three minutes.
That's all.
Goodbye.
Gee, you're very particular about your food, aren't you, Mr. Moore?
I have to be.
Our eggs here are so fresh that when the cook doesn't boil them long enough, it's nip and
tuck who eats who.
But enough of this small talk.
Now, what do you suppose one?
Well, I'm Dean Martin.
This is my partner, Jerry Lewis, and we're trying to buy a nightclub.
We need help.
Well, I sure hope you find some.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go.
Wait a minute, Mr. Moore.
We thought that you might like to help a couple of young fellows in show business.
Gee, didn't anyone ever help you when you were starting out?
Well, yes.
I was taught to play the trumpet by a friendly seal.
Aw, come on, Mr. Moore.
You must be kidding us.
Yes, of course I was.
I used that joke in Louisiana Purchase back in 1940.
Maybe so, but I don't know much about show business back in those old days.
Please, Mr. Moore, I really didn't mean anything by that.
All I meant was that you've been a big star for years.
You were acting on a stage before I was even born.
And just when will that be?
I didn't mean what I said either, Jerry.
As a matter of fact, I've heard that you're a very funny comedian.
Oh, I'm not half as funny as you are, Mr. Moore.
Oh, oh, yes, you are.
Oh, no, I'm not.
Well, maybe you're right.
Try to be nice to a guy and he kills you.
Mr. Moore, the real reason we're here is to ask you to cosign a note.
You see, we're trying to raise $4,000 to buy a nightclub.
And the man at the loan company said we have to get a cosigner.
Oh, I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
I wouldn't have anything to do with a nightclub.
How long has it been since you've been in a nightclub?
Well, let's see.
I guess it was about 1890 at the St. Louis World's Fair.
They had the French Can-Can dances, but you boys are too young to hear about that.
Mr. Moore, nightclubs are different today now.
They're real nice places.
Look, why don't you come over to the Ciro's tonight and watch Jerry and me do our act?
Oh, that'd keep me up past my bedtime.
I don't think I'd be happy there.
What?
I don't think I'd be happy there.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Can I say something, fellas?
Look, Mr. Moore, I'm sorry if you don't like nightclubs, but after all, you want to be
fair about this, don't you?
Well, yes.
Then it's all settled.
You come down to Ciro's tonight at 9 o'clock and be our guest.
And when you see how nice the nightclub is, you'll be glad to cosign our note.
Well, okay, Jerry.
I'll see you at 9.
Bye.
Hey, Florence, this was a good idea I had, getting you a job as a cigarette girl here
at Ciro's.
When we get our own club, you'll know all about it then.
Florence?
Hey, Florence, come on out from behind the screen.
You must have your cigarette girl costume on by now.
Well, yeah, I have, but I'm bashful.
This little fluffy ballet skirt is so short and I'm so skinny.
Oh, well.
Well, what do you think?
Florence, you look great, just like a real cigarette girl.
Well, I think I look more like somebody stuck a pipe cleaner through a Dr. Scholl's foot
pad.
Oh, you look fine.
You'll do great selling cigarettes, Florence.
Well, I'll try, but I'm worried.
What if I run into some drunk who's fallen on the floor?
Oh, that's easy.
Just tell him a lucky so he can feel his level best.
Tell him a lucky so he can feel his level best.
I'll be all right.
Well, here I go.
Cigarettes, cigarettes, cars, cars.
My cigarettes call for Max Mori.
I'll see you later, Florence.
I gotta introduce Dean's song.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Ciro's.
Right now, I'd like to present that handsome young fella whose romantic voice has been
thrilling the whole country lately.
However, I have a sore throat tonight, so my partner Dean Martin will sing instead.
Thank you, mighty Joe Young.
Ladies and gentlemen, the number Jerry is going to let me sing is one I do in the Hal
Wallace picture, my friend Irma, called Just For Fun.
Love me, love me, say you love me, just for fun.
Cough, whee, sigh it, try it, try it, just for fun.
If you're close to me, maybe you'll agree.
Here at hand, that magic land, we're seeking constant rain.
Tingle, tingle, quite we mingle, just for fun.
Let's pretend we'll never end what we've begun.
For if we play it long, we may stay in love, then you'll be glad you tried it, just for
fun.
More, Irma!
More, let's hear another song here.
What do you say?
Please, please, young man, you're stirring up a draft.
Hi, Mr. Moore, it's me, Jerry Lewis.
Hey, what are you doing sitting back here?
We had a table reserved for you down front.
I asked for this table.
I have to be close to the wall so I can plug in my heating pad.
How do you like my club so far?
I'm not very happy.
It's so crowded in here and the lights are so low it isn't safe.
Well, what do you mean?
I bent over to tie my shoe when the lady at the next table started buttering me.
She thought I was an onion roll.
You should complain.
Yesterday a guy tried to break me in half, he thought I was a bread stick.
It's so stuffy.
The smoke is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I know.
And try a piece with ice cream on it, it's delicious.
Well, I thank you boys for your invitation, but I don't think I'd better stay any longer.
Oh, Mr. Moore, you can't go.
You haven't co-signed our notes so we can buy the nightclub we told you about.
Oh, I've decided I don't want anything to do with the nightclub.
They haven't got anything that appeals to a vital red-blooded man like some French girls doing the can-can.
The can-can?
That would make a good opener.
You stay right here with the table, Mr. Moore, and I'll see that you meet a real French can-can dancer.
Hey, Jerry, hey, how's it going?
Oh, boy, am I glad to see you, Dean.
Mr. Moore wants to go home.
You better go over to the table and talk to him.
I gotta find someone for him.
Okay, now.
Hurry back.
Where am I gonna find a French can-can dancer?
This would happen on a one night I didn't wear my DVDs with the ruffles.
French can-can girl.
Bigger red skull for Max Morris.
Florence.
Hey, Florence, we're on the spot and you gotta help us.
You have to pretend you're a French girl.
Oh, I couldn't do that, Mr. Lewis.
Well, it'll be easy to fool Mr. Moore.
All you have to know are a few French words like, uh, oui, oui, monsieur, um, crape-sous-et, and, um, general de Gaulle.
Just those few.
Oui, oui, monsieur, crape-sous-et, general de Gaulle, just those few.
Just those few.
Come on now and I'll introduce you to Mr. Moore.
Pardon me, Dean, Mr. Moore.
I'd like to present a very charming friend of mine.
You've heard of Madame Pompadour?
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
Well, meet Mademoiselle Crew Cut.
Well, of course, of course we call her Mimi here at the club, Mr. Moore, and you know what?
Mimi is just crazy about older men.
Ah, I kiss your hand, Mademoiselle.
Ah, Mimi, can you imagine the boys here think I'm an older man?
Oui, oui, monsieur.
Well, don't say that, Mimi.
I may not be a youngster anymore, but you've got to admit I'm built like a, like a...
Crape-sous-et.
Ah, Mimi, Mimi, you're so lovely.
Your eyes, your lips, your figure.
You know what you remind me of?
General de Gaulle.
Come, come, sit close to me, charrie.
There, now run your fingers through my hair.
Justo spieu.
Justo spieu?
Crape-sous-et.
General de Gaulle.
Oui, oui, monsieur.
Donnie, je vous aime beaucoup.
Inimini, minimoo.
Well, Mr. Moore, do you like night clubs a little better now?
Yeah, you bet.
I'm really living.
Oh, pack up my parachute, mother.
I'm flying tonight.
Florence, snog go up to him a little closer.
Florence, I thought you said her name was...
Mimi.
General de Gaulle.
Crape-sous-et.
Oui, oui, monsieur.
Darling, je vous aime beaucoup.
Stop that.
Why did you call this girl Florence?
Mimi, I think he's on to you.
Well, it's no use, Jerry.
Mr. Moore knows Florence isn't really a French girl.
Of course, I was on to it all the time.
I knew you invited me down here to get me to sign that note.
But you worked so hard to make me happy, you even tried to get a can-can, girl.
I decided you're a good risk after all.
You mean you'll sign a note for us?
Yes, on one condition.
Florence, you'll have to let me drive you home tonight.
Drive me home?
That's right.
How about it?
Dee dum dee dum dum dum dum do do do.
Okay, boys, give me that note.
I'll co-sign it.
There.
Well, come on, Florence.
I'm right with you.
Oh, mother, you better hurry with that parachute.
I'm falling fast.
Come on, Mr. Moore.
Thanks, everyone.
Gee, Dean, isn't it wonderful now we can bar to $4,000 and have our own nightclub?
Yeah, no more working for somebody else.
Every night we'll take the profits and divide them evenly.
60-40.
60-40?
What happened to 50-50?
Jerry, you don't even understand simple arithmetic.
Look, how much is 50-50?
100.
How much is 60-40?
100.
See, it comes out the same.
Oh, yeah, it does.
Gee, Dean, I'm so silly.
For a minute there I thought you were trying to gyp me.
Good night, see you next week.
Good night, Mom and Dad.
Well, the Martin Lewis Show Transcribed in Hollywood is produced by Robert L. Redden,
written by Ray Allen and Dick McKnight with Cy Rose and Mort Lockett.
Next week our guest will be Billy Burke.
This is Ben Alexander, suggesting you tune in to your NBC station each Tuesday evening
at the same time for the Martin and Lewis Show.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.