WEBVTT

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It's the Martin & Lewis Show!

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Yes, the Marshall Broadcasting Company brings you Transcribe from Hollywood, the Martin & Lewis Show.

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Our guest tonight, Miss Billy Burke, and featuring Flo McMichael, Sheldon Leonard, Ben Alexander, Dick Stabiel in his orchestra, and starring Dean Martin...

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Let me call you sweetheart, I'm in love with you.

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And Jerry Lewis!

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Yes, let me call you sweetheart. I'd love to call you sweetheart, but I can't call you sweetheart. I haven't got a nickel.

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Last week, you remember Dean and Jerry's next door neighbor, Soapy Leonard, talked the boys into borrowing $4,000 to buy a nightclub.

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Well, this morning, Soapy told them that the deal has gone through. So right now, Dean and Jerry are on their way to look over their new property.

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Boy, we're going to have our own nightclub. Isn't that exciting, Dean?

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Sure is, Jerry, but why don't you watch where you're driving?

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Jerry, watch yourself!

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I can't watch myself, it makes me cross-eyed.

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Well then, slow down. This is the block our nightclub is on, and there's the address, the building with the sign out in the front.

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Yeah, Dean, I can see from this side of the car, what does the sign say on a nightclub? 50 beautiful girls, 50?

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No.

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Then what does it say?

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It says, does your battery need recharging?

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Oh, don't be silly, Dean, that's not a nightclub. That sign's over this garage, I'll pull up and park.

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I don't understand this at all. This garage has the same address as the building Soapy bought for us.

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Oh, he wouldn't do anything like that to us. The nightclub must be in back of the garage, or over the garage, or next to the garage, or under the garage.

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Or, Dean?

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What?

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We've been vulcanized.

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Ah, this is, if that Soapy spent our borrowed $4,000 for this, I'm going to give him some good shots.

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Dean, Dean, don't get so excited, Dean. At least we should go and look around first.

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Gee, it's dark. Wait a minute, Dean, here. This here must be the light switch.

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Jerry, I can't see you. What happened?

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You must have forgotten to read the rest of the sign. This place is a car wash, too.

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Ah, now, wait a minute. Here's the light switch.

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Oh, the water didn't even touch it. But just look at this place. It turns out to be this run-down garage.

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That's the trouble with buying property in California. After you get to it, it isn't where you thought it was, and everything is too far from where it is.

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And when you're in it, you can only see where you wish it was.

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Now, what in the world does that mean?

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Just one thing, Dean.

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Oh, you mean?

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Yeah. We made a boo-boo.

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But we can't quit now. We have to make a nightclub out of it.

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Make a nightclub out of a garage? Ah, fine.

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What are we going to have for our floor show? Phil Spitalny and his all-mechanic orchestra?

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Yeah. Featuring Evelyn and her magic grease gun.

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Now, that's ridiculous. What could we do about those gas pumps out there?

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Oh, we can use them to serve drinks.

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You're going to serve drinks to our customers out of a gas pump?

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Sure. Instead of pink elephants, they'll be seeing flying red horses.

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Instead of pink elephants, they'll be seeing flying red horses.

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Jerry.

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Sorry, old man. That high octane went to my head.

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Now, look, maybe we could, you know, sort of...

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Hey, who's this girl coming in here?

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Yeah. Wow.

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I hope you gentlemen will pardon me for busting into your garage.

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But I'm looking for a couple of fellas named Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.

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Well, well, well, well, I'm... Jerry.

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Take it easy, kid. Your motor's pinging.

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But if you're Lewis, then you must be Dean Martin.

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Hello, baby.

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It's a pleasure meeting you boys.

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A friend of mine, Soapy Leonard, told me I can have a job in your nightclub.

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My name's Champagne Lafiz.

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Champagne Lafiz?

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Yeah. I'm a bubble dancer.

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I dance around the stage in a beautiful costume, juggling a big bubble, very graceful-like.

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Gee, I've never seen a bubble dance before.

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Well, just hand me a wet cake of soap on a bicycle, punk, and stand back.

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I'm sorry, miss, but I'm afraid a bubble dance, it wouldn't be right for our nightclub.

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Mr. Lewis, surely a man like you could find a job for poor little me.

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This is a business deal. I want you to think of me as a man.

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Oh, I couldn't do that, miss.

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Please don't call me miss. I want you to forget that I'm a woman and wearing a very attractive dress.

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But, miss...

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Please.

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Well, all right. Sam, your slip is showing.

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I'm afraid there's just no job around here for you, miss, but I'll tell you,

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if we ever can make a nightclub out of this place, we'll keep you in mind.

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Oh, wonderful. Bye.

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As if Soapy hasn't done enough. Spending our $4,000 for this garage,

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now he's got to send his friends around for jobs.

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You know, Dean, this garage is certainly big enough for a nightclub,

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and I bet the acoustics will be great for you singing.

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Listen.

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Darling, Jebus and Boku.

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Eenie meenie minie moos.

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Now, Jerry, this is no time to be funny.

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You know what I mean, Dean? Why, we could fix this place up.

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We'll cover the floor and put drapes on the walls,

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soft lights, people at the tables, and then you come out and sing.

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Go ahead, Dean. Try out your voice.

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Well, okay. I'll run over. Let's take an old-fashioned walk.

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Let's take an old-fashioned walk.

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I'm just bursting with doubt

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What a tale could be told if we went for an old-fashioned walk

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Let's take a stroll through the park

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Down a lane where it's dark

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And a heart that's controlled may relax on an old-fashioned walk

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I know for a couple who seem to be miles apart

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There's nothing like walking and having a heart to heart

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I know a girl who declined, couldn't make up her mind

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She was wrapped up and sold, coming home from an old-fashioned walk

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I know for a couple who seem to be miles apart

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There's nothing like walking and having a heart to heart

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I know a girl who declined, couldn't make up her mind

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She was wrapped up and sold, coming home from an old-fashioned walk

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She was wrapped up and sold, coming home from an old-fashioned walk

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Well, how'd my voice sound in this garage, Jerry?

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Sounded swell, Dean, but I don't get it. I sang before, and all I got was an echo saying,

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Innie, Meanie, Miney, Moe. You sing and you get a 30-piece orchestra.

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Well, it was the first time I ever sang in the garage, so I figured, you know...

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Good afternoon, gentlemen. Are you Martin and Lewis?

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If you're a bubble dancer, the answer is no.

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I am not a bubble dancer. My name is Herbert S. Crowe. I'm from the Coastwise Realty Company.

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We specialize in rural developments, commercial holdings, acreage evaluation, land litigation, property assessments, mortgage amortization, and subdivision.

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Mr. Crowe?

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Yes?

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Are you for real estate?

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I don't understand the way you fellows talk, but he figures.

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I also can't understand why you'd pay $4,000 for this old garage.

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I know it doesn't look like much now, Mr. Crowe, but we hope to convert it into a nightclub.

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A nightclub? Just where are you going to have this nightclub?

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What do you mean, where are we going to have the club? We bought this building.

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Oh, I know that, but you did not buy the lot. Where are you going to move the building to?

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Move the building?

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By certain...

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Surely you know that the lot was not included in the deal.

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Now, the lot still belongs to my client, Miss Billy Burke, who is going to put up a new building of her own on this property.

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You'll have to get your building up.

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We've got to move. We thought we were going to be rich nightclub owners and live on caviar and rest of Guinea hen on the glass.

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Dean?

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What?

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I'm hungry.

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Jerry, this whole thing is Sober's fault. Now, come on, let's go on back to his apartment and ask him a few questions.

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Okay, Dean.

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And believe me, he better have some good answers.

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Come on in.

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Hi, you boys. Well, well, how are the big nightclub owners?

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Never mind that, Sober. Have you paid the money out for that building yet?

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Oh, yes, you're right, Penny. Yesterday, the agent was pretty cagey, too. He tried to maneuver me out of the deal, but I was too smart for him.

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Yeah, but Sober was trying to tell you. He sold you the building, but he didn't sell you the lot.

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What's that?

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He sold you the building, but he didn't sell you the lot.

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Well, Sober, what do you got to say for yourself?

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You know, look, boys, you're going to give me a minute to think this is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me since General Vaughan sent me a deep freeze.

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Look, boys, look, it ain't my fault. I bought you a nice building. Can I help it if now we are afflicted with squatters?

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Squatters? It's their land.

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Yeah, sure. They're squatting their land right under our building.

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Look, Sober, we found out that the lot belongs to Miss Billy Burke.

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Yeah, and you'd better think of something fast.

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Well, now look, fellas, now we want some action.

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Well, all right, I'm not giving up. I got a lawyer friend. We'll sue. We'll charge him with juvenile delinquency.

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Sober, you can't charge him with juvenile delinquency.

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Why not? The building ain't 21 years old, is it?

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You know, maybe we're overlooking something. You know that Miss Billy Burke, she owns the lot, right?

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Now, someone ought to go and see her and tell her the problem we've run into.

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Hey, that's wonderful.

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This Miss Blake, she is a cultured, refined lady, eh? So what we ought to do, we ought to send a cultured, refined gent to talk to her.

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Well, that makes sense.

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So I'll go.

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No, Sober, you've caused enough trouble already. Jerry and I'll go.

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Well, okay, have it your way. I'll see you later, boys.

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Well, here we are at Miss Burke's, Jerry. Now, before we go in, remember that...

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Oh, I know all about Miss Burke, Dean. She's in movies and a big star on the stage.

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That's right. And she's also written a best-selling autobiography called With a Feather on My Nose.

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But what I want to impress on you, Jerry, is that Miss Burke is quite dignified.

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I know, I know.

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And she's probably old enough to be your mother, so be respectful.

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And I'll press the buzzer.

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Just a minute, just a minute.

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Miss Burke?

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Yes, I'm Billy Burke.

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Applause

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Oh, but do come in, won't you? And don't keep the screen door open.

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I don't want the flies to come in.

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There isn't any screen door here.

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Not so loud. If the flies ever find out, the house will be...

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You know, perhaps I'd better explain who we are, Miss Burke. My name's Dean Martin.

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How nice.

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And this is my partner, Jerry Lewis.

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Oh, how do you do?

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Hello, madame.

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Madame?

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Well, Dean said you were old enough to be my mother and that I should be respectful.

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Well, even so, that doesn't mean you should call me madame.

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Oh, I'm sorry.

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Hello, mom.

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I remember you now, Martin and Lewis. I saw your act at Ciro's.

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Gee, I'm glad you know who we are because I knew all about you.

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I just read that book of yours, I Inhale Feathers.

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I Inhale Feathers?

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Yeah, I know you do, and I think you're pretty smart to write a whole book about it.

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Jerry, the title is...

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With a Feather on My Nose.

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Oh, then you must have read it, Dean.

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Yes, I did, and I thought it was pretty ridiculous.

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You thought what?

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Just what I said. It's pretty ridiculous for a lady of your youth to write her life story so early.

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Why, you've got most of your life still ahead of you.

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Oh, dear, oh, dear.

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Oh, Dean.

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I'm so unworthy of you.

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I suppose you're wondering why Jerry and I came to see you.

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Well, I'll come right to the point.

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You see, we've got a big problem, and you're the only person in the world who can help us.

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Oh, really?

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Yes. Now, you're the owner of a lot on Beverly Avenue.

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Oh, lucky me. And Hollywood Calling didn't even phone me.

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Oh, Ms. Burke, this isn't a quiz show prize. You've owned this lot a long time.

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Oh, oh, yes, yes, that one. I remember now.

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My real estate broker phoned me about that lot, but I thought he was crazy.

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Crazy?

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Yes, yes. He was laughing like mad and said something about little red horses flying out of gasoline pumps.

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You think that's crazy? You should have heard what he told us.

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He told us we have to move our garage off your lot so you can put up a building.

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Isn't that funny?

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Oh, my, yes, it is.

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When can you move?

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Well, then it's true. You are going to make us move the garage.

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Well, yes, I'm sorry, but I've been planning to use that lot to put up a haven for poor, unfortunate, homeless hobos.

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Well, shake hands with your first customer.

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Well, I'm sorry, but I've been planning my home for hobos for several years.

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I'm not doing any good, Dean. You better take over.

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Okay. Ms. Burke, look at me closely.

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Yes.

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Hello, baby.

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Oh, how thrilling and how clever to do that particular imitation.

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No kidding, baby.

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Oh, yes, Charles Boyer has always been my favorite.

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Say, Ms. Burke, how would you like to hear a song sung by Bing Crosby, Perry Como, Mel Torme, and Singin' Sam all at once?

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Oh, I'd love it.

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Okay, she asked for it.

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You left out pizza, so I'll try some Enchanted Evening.

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Song Enchanted Evening

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You may see a stranger

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You may see a stranger

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Across the crowded room

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And somehow you know

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You know even then

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That somewhere you'll see her

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Again and again

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Some enchanted evening

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Someone may be laughing

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You may hear her laughing

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Across the crowded room

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And night after night

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As strange as it seems

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The sound of her laughter

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Will sing in your dreams

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Who can explain it?

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Who can tell you why?

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Fools give you reasons

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Wise men never try

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Some enchanted evening

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When you find your true love

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When you feel her call you

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Across the crowded room

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And fly to her side

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And make her your own

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For all through your life

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You may dream all alone

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Once you have found her

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Never let her go

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Once you have found her

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Never let her go

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Applause

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Hey, that was really great, Dean.

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Oh, yes, you sang beautifully,

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but I'm afraid I haven't changed my mind

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one bit about building my home for hobos.

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Well, that's all right, Ms. Burke.

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Thanks anyway. Come on, Dean.

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But Jerry.

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Come on, Dean. Bye, Ms. Burke.

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Bye.

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Jerry, what was the idea of giving up so easily?

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I didn't give up. Listen, Ms. Burke would let us

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keep our building on a lot if I proved to her

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that hobos don't even want homes, wouldn't she?

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Well, I guess so.

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Fine. Now, all you've got to do is pick up Ms. Burke

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this evening and drive down to 5th and Walnut Streets.

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I'll get Soapy to help me,

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and we'll dress up like real hobos.

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And when you and Ms. Burke get there...

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footsteps

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Well, this is 5th and Walnut, Soapy.

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You better just look me over once more.

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I want to be sure that Ms. Burke can't recognize me

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through this hobo outfit.

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Recognize you with that phony beard

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and all that Deutcha smear on your face?

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Not a chance. You look like a real hobo.

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So do you, Soapy. Boy, your pants really are shiny,

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aren't they?

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They're shiny.

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On the way down here, I bent over to pick up a cigarette butt

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and a couple in the park started nicking.

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They thought the moon just came up.

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Laughter

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Gee, I wish Dean would get here with Ms. Burke.

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Well, they'll be here. Don't worry, kid.

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Hey, hey, boy, you sure picked a good corner, Jerry.

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Gee, just look at all those hobos around here.

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Look at them sleeping in doorways,

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they're hanging around the corners,

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leaning up against the buildings.

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Remember this. Remember, if you want to act convincing,

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just do like they do.

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What do you mean, Soapy?

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Well, like Francis Panhandling.

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The secret of the thing is to tell a real hard luck story.

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You know, you might even get a quarter.

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Yeah. You mean, if I tell a real hard luck story,

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I can get a quarter?

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Sure, sure.

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Look, here comes a man out. I'll try it out on him.

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Mm-hmm.

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Excuse me, mister.

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Yeah? What do you want?

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Laughter

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Could you help a fellow who hasn't eaten in three days?

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I haven't eaten in two weeks.

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Laughter

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That's not all.

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I haven't had a bath in six months.

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Oh. What's a bath?

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Laughter

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And worst of all,

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I haven't seen my wife in 20 years.

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Laughter

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I've seen mine.

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Laughter

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Applause

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Well, kid, how'd you make out? Did you get your quarter?

23:52.000 --> 23:53.000
Yeah.

23:53.000 --> 23:55.000
That's the idea. Now you're a quarter ahead.

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No, I'm not. I gave him a dollar.

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Laughter

23:59.000 --> 24:01.000
Look, Soapy, there's Dean and Miss Burke just driving up in the car.

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Come on, let's hide in this hallway until they get here.

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Well, Miss Burke, here we are.

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This is where the hobos hang out.

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Now let me help you out of the car.

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Thank you.

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My goodness, what a neighborhood.

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This is a disgrace.

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I think the city would do some repair work down here.

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Repair work? What do you mean?

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These people are taxpayers.

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Why should that man over there have to hold up that lamppost?

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Laughter

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Yeah, he's got enough of a load now.

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Laughter

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Well, Miss Burke, if you still want to talk to these hobos

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and get their reaction to your home idea,

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there's a couple of ragged-looking tramps right down the street here.

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All right. You know, this is quite an experience for me.

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Knocks on door

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Pardon me, folks. Could you help out a poor broken-down old bum?

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Laughter

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My goodness, I'll try. What do you want?

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Could you... could you spare a hundred dollars for a cup of coffee?

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Laughter

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My goodness, I can't afford to give you a hundred dollars for a cup of coffee.

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No? Well, uh, how about fifty bucks for a Demi-Tas, huh?

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Laughter

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Twenty-five bucks? I'll give up sugar and cream?

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Laughter

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Ah, all right, then give me a penny.

25:22.000 --> 25:23.000
A penny?

25:23.000 --> 25:27.000
Yeah, I'll buy a coffee bean at the A&P and suck on it through a straw.

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Laughter

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Applause

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Well, you see, Miss Burke, these hobos are pretty independent.

25:39.000 --> 25:43.000
Well, he certainly was, but let's talk to his friend here,

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this poor tattered, unwashed, messy, ragged creature.

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Laughter

25:48.000 --> 25:50.000
My, tell me, young man, what's your name?

25:50.000 --> 25:52.000
B.O. Plenty, Jr.

25:52.000 --> 25:54.000
Laughter

25:54.000 --> 25:58.000
Excuse me, ma'am, could you spare two and a half cents for a cup of coffee?

25:58.000 --> 26:00.000
Two... two and a half cents for a cup of coffee?

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Why, I thought everybody usually asked for a nickel.

26:03.000 --> 26:06.000
Yeah, but I'm out of the high rent district.

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Laughter

26:10.000 --> 26:13.000
Miss Burke, these two men seem to be typical hobos.

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Now, why don't you ask them about your home idea?

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Homes, he says. Hey, look, we don't want no home.

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We can't stand being cooped up.

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We'd like to roam the wide open spaces with no strings,

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no ties, no wardens.

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Laughter

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Excuse me, folks, I've got to be going.

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Where are you going?

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Right up the street. I've just seen a fella throw away a murad.

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Laughter

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Well, Dean, I guess you were right.

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These two hobos aren't interested in a home at all.

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Sure, that's what Dean and I were telling you this afternoon.

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Laughter

26:48.000 --> 26:51.000
You were telling me? Why, you're not a tramp at all.

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You're Jerry Lewis.

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Yeah, but Miss Burke, let me explain.

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There's no need to explain.

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I see through your whole scheme now, and I'm leaving.

26:59.000 --> 27:01.000
But Miss Burke...

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Goodbye.

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Laughter

27:06.000 --> 27:09.000
Well, Jerry, now don't you start on me, Dean.

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I still think it was a good idea to dress up as a hobo.

27:12.000 --> 27:15.000
And it should have worked out perfectly, but it didn't.

27:15.000 --> 27:19.000
Miss Burke saw through the whole thing, and she finally recognized me.

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And we didn't get to lottin', Dean.

27:21.000 --> 27:22.000
What?

27:22.000 --> 27:24.000
I made a hobo boo boo.

27:24.000 --> 27:27.000
Laughter

27:27.000 --> 27:39.000
Applause

27:39.000 --> 27:43.000
Well, Jerry, we've been moping around our apartment here for three hours now.

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There's no point worrying this much.

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Let's go to a movie or something and forget it.

27:48.000 --> 27:51.000
No, I don't feel like it, Dean. All I want to do is just...

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Boys, salute the greatest real estate operator since Gypsy Rose Lee opened a Cherokee strip.

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Laughter

27:59.000 --> 28:00.000
What do you mean?

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Well, I'll tell you, I knew you boys were pretty down about what happened today.

28:03.000 --> 28:06.000
So I went over to Miss Bikes, and I talked to her personal.

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And she's disgusted with the whole idea of building a hobo home.

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So I bought the lot from her for you guys. Five thousand bucks.

28:14.000 --> 28:15.000
You bought the lot from her?

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Uh-huh, I did.

28:16.000 --> 28:18.000
Boy, that's wonderful, Sophie.

28:18.000 --> 28:21.000
But five thousand dollars, where did you get the money?

28:21.000 --> 28:25.000
Well, I didn't have the money, so I did the next best thing.

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I gave her your building as a down payment on the lot.

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Laughter

28:29.000 --> 28:30.000
Oh, no.

28:30.000 --> 28:32.000
Applause

28:32.000 --> 28:34.000
Good night, folks. Good night. See you next week, everybody.

28:34.000 --> 28:36.000
I'm thanking Miss Billy Burke.

28:36.000 --> 28:44.000
Applause

28:44.000 --> 28:51.000
The Martin Lewis Show Transcribed in Hollywood is produced by Robert L. Redden, written by Dick McKnight and Ray Allen, with Mort Lockman and Cy Rose.

28:51.000 --> 28:54.000
Next week, our guest is going to be Jane Russell.

28:54.000 --> 29:02.000
This has been Alexander, suggesting you tune in to your NBC station each Tuesday evening at the same time for the Martin and Lewis Show.

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Applause

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This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.

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Music