It's the Martin & Lewis Show!
Yes, the Marshall Broadcasting Company brings you Transcribe from Hollywood, the Martin & Lewis Show.
Our guest tonight, Miss Billy Burke, and featuring Flo McMichael, Sheldon Leonard, Ben Alexander, Dick Stabiel in his orchestra, and starring Dean Martin...
Let me call you sweetheart, I'm in love with you.
And Jerry Lewis!
Yes, let me call you sweetheart. I'd love to call you sweetheart, but I can't call you sweetheart. I haven't got a nickel.
Last week, you remember Dean and Jerry's next door neighbor, Soapy Leonard, talked the boys into borrowing $4,000 to buy a nightclub.
Well, this morning, Soapy told them that the deal has gone through. So right now, Dean and Jerry are on their way to look over their new property.
Boy, we're going to have our own nightclub. Isn't that exciting, Dean?
Sure is, Jerry, but why don't you watch where you're driving?
Jerry, watch yourself!
I can't watch myself, it makes me cross-eyed.
Well then, slow down. This is the block our nightclub is on, and there's the address, the building with the sign out in the front.
Yeah, Dean, I can see from this side of the car, what does the sign say on a nightclub? 50 beautiful girls, 50?
No.
Then what does it say?
It says, does your battery need recharging?
Oh, don't be silly, Dean, that's not a nightclub. That sign's over this garage, I'll pull up and park.
I don't understand this at all. This garage has the same address as the building Soapy bought for us.
Oh, he wouldn't do anything like that to us. The nightclub must be in back of the garage, or over the garage, or next to the garage, or under the garage.
Or, Dean?
What?
We've been vulcanized.
Ah, this is, if that Soapy spent our borrowed $4,000 for this, I'm going to give him some good shots.
Dean, Dean, don't get so excited, Dean. At least we should go and look around first.
Gee, it's dark. Wait a minute, Dean, here. This here must be the light switch.
Jerry, I can't see you. What happened?
You must have forgotten to read the rest of the sign. This place is a car wash, too.
Ah, now, wait a minute. Here's the light switch.
Oh, the water didn't even touch it. But just look at this place. It turns out to be this run-down garage.
That's the trouble with buying property in California. After you get to it, it isn't where you thought it was, and everything is too far from where it is.
And when you're in it, you can only see where you wish it was.
Now, what in the world does that mean?
Just one thing, Dean.
Oh, you mean?
Yeah. We made a boo-boo.
But we can't quit now. We have to make a nightclub out of it.
Make a nightclub out of a garage? Ah, fine.
What are we going to have for our floor show? Phil Spitalny and his all-mechanic orchestra?
Yeah. Featuring Evelyn and her magic grease gun.
Now, that's ridiculous. What could we do about those gas pumps out there?
Oh, we can use them to serve drinks.
You're going to serve drinks to our customers out of a gas pump?
Sure. Instead of pink elephants, they'll be seeing flying red horses.
Instead of pink elephants, they'll be seeing flying red horses.
Jerry.
Sorry, old man. That high octane went to my head.
Now, look, maybe we could, you know, sort of...
Hey, who's this girl coming in here?
Yeah. Wow.
I hope you gentlemen will pardon me for busting into your garage.
But I'm looking for a couple of fellas named Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.
Well, well, well, well, I'm... Jerry.
Take it easy, kid. Your motor's pinging.
But if you're Lewis, then you must be Dean Martin.
Hello, baby.
It's a pleasure meeting you boys.
A friend of mine, Soapy Leonard, told me I can have a job in your nightclub.
My name's Champagne Lafiz.
Champagne Lafiz?
Yeah. I'm a bubble dancer.
I dance around the stage in a beautiful costume, juggling a big bubble, very graceful-like.
Gee, I've never seen a bubble dance before.
Well, just hand me a wet cake of soap on a bicycle, punk, and stand back.
I'm sorry, miss, but I'm afraid a bubble dance, it wouldn't be right for our nightclub.
Mr. Lewis, surely a man like you could find a job for poor little me.
This is a business deal. I want you to think of me as a man.
Oh, I couldn't do that, miss.
Please don't call me miss. I want you to forget that I'm a woman and wearing a very attractive dress.
But, miss...
Please.
Well, all right. Sam, your slip is showing.
I'm afraid there's just no job around here for you, miss, but I'll tell you,
if we ever can make a nightclub out of this place, we'll keep you in mind.
Oh, wonderful. Bye.
As if Soapy hasn't done enough. Spending our $4,000 for this garage,
now he's got to send his friends around for jobs.
You know, Dean, this garage is certainly big enough for a nightclub,
and I bet the acoustics will be great for you singing.
Listen.
Darling, Jebus and Boku.
Eenie meenie minie moos.
Now, Jerry, this is no time to be funny.
You know what I mean, Dean? Why, we could fix this place up.
We'll cover the floor and put drapes on the walls,
soft lights, people at the tables, and then you come out and sing.
Go ahead, Dean. Try out your voice.
Well, okay. I'll run over. Let's take an old-fashioned walk.
Let's take an old-fashioned walk.
I'm just bursting with doubt
What a tale could be told if we went for an old-fashioned walk
Let's take a stroll through the park
Down a lane where it's dark
And a heart that's controlled may relax on an old-fashioned walk
I know for a couple who seem to be miles apart
There's nothing like walking and having a heart to heart
I know a girl who declined, couldn't make up her mind
She was wrapped up and sold, coming home from an old-fashioned walk
I know for a couple who seem to be miles apart
There's nothing like walking and having a heart to heart
I know a girl who declined, couldn't make up her mind
She was wrapped up and sold, coming home from an old-fashioned walk
Well, how'd my voice sound in this garage, Jerry?
Sounded swell, Dean, but I don't get it. I sang before, and all I got was an echo saying,
Innie, Meanie, Miney, Moe. You sing and you get a 30-piece orchestra.
Well, it was the first time I ever sang in the garage, so I figured, you know...
Good afternoon, gentlemen. Are you Martin and Lewis?
If you're a bubble dancer, the answer is no.
I am not a bubble dancer. My name is Herbert S. Crowe. I'm from the Coastwise Realty Company.
We specialize in rural developments, commercial holdings, acreage evaluation, land litigation, property assessments, mortgage amortization, and subdivision.
Mr. Crowe?
Yes?
Are you for real estate?
I don't understand the way you fellows talk, but he figures.
I also can't understand why you'd pay $4,000 for this old garage.
I know it doesn't look like much now, Mr. Crowe, but we hope to convert it into a nightclub.
A nightclub? Just where are you going to have this nightclub?
What do you mean, where are we going to have the club? We bought this building.
Oh, I know that, but you did not buy the lot. Where are you going to move the building to?
Move the building?
By certain...
Surely you know that the lot was not included in the deal.
Now, the lot still belongs to my client, Miss Billy Burke, who is going to put up a new building of her own on this property.
You'll have to get your building up.
We've got to move. We thought we were going to be rich nightclub owners and live on caviar and rest of Guinea hen on the glass.
Dean?
What?
I'm hungry.
Jerry, this whole thing is Sober's fault. Now, come on, let's go on back to his apartment and ask him a few questions.
Okay, Dean.
And believe me, he better have some good answers.
Come on in.
Hi, you boys. Well, well, how are the big nightclub owners?
Never mind that, Sober. Have you paid the money out for that building yet?
Oh, yes, you're right, Penny. Yesterday, the agent was pretty cagey, too. He tried to maneuver me out of the deal, but I was too smart for him.
Yeah, but Sober was trying to tell you. He sold you the building, but he didn't sell you the lot.
What's that?
He sold you the building, but he didn't sell you the lot.
Well, Sober, what do you got to say for yourself?
You know, look, boys, you're going to give me a minute to think this is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me since General Vaughan sent me a deep freeze.
Look, boys, look, it ain't my fault. I bought you a nice building. Can I help it if now we are afflicted with squatters?
Squatters? It's their land.
Yeah, sure. They're squatting their land right under our building.
Look, Sober, we found out that the lot belongs to Miss Billy Burke.
Yeah, and you'd better think of something fast.
Well, now look, fellas, now we want some action.
Well, all right, I'm not giving up. I got a lawyer friend. We'll sue. We'll charge him with juvenile delinquency.
Sober, you can't charge him with juvenile delinquency.
Why not? The building ain't 21 years old, is it?
You know, maybe we're overlooking something. You know that Miss Billy Burke, she owns the lot, right?
Now, someone ought to go and see her and tell her the problem we've run into.
Hey, that's wonderful.
This Miss Blake, she is a cultured, refined lady, eh? So what we ought to do, we ought to send a cultured, refined gent to talk to her.
Well, that makes sense.
So I'll go.
No, Sober, you've caused enough trouble already. Jerry and I'll go.
Well, okay, have it your way. I'll see you later, boys.
Well, here we are at Miss Burke's, Jerry. Now, before we go in, remember that...
Oh, I know all about Miss Burke, Dean. She's in movies and a big star on the stage.
That's right. And she's also written a best-selling autobiography called With a Feather on My Nose.
But what I want to impress on you, Jerry, is that Miss Burke is quite dignified.
I know, I know.
And she's probably old enough to be your mother, so be respectful.
And I'll press the buzzer.
Just a minute, just a minute.
Miss Burke?
Yes, I'm Billy Burke.
Applause
Oh, but do come in, won't you? And don't keep the screen door open.
I don't want the flies to come in.
There isn't any screen door here.
Not so loud. If the flies ever find out, the house will be...
You know, perhaps I'd better explain who we are, Miss Burke. My name's Dean Martin.
How nice.
And this is my partner, Jerry Lewis.
Oh, how do you do?
Hello, madame.
Madame?
Well, Dean said you were old enough to be my mother and that I should be respectful.
Well, even so, that doesn't mean you should call me madame.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hello, mom.
I remember you now, Martin and Lewis. I saw your act at Ciro's.
Gee, I'm glad you know who we are because I knew all about you.
I just read that book of yours, I Inhale Feathers.
I Inhale Feathers?
Yeah, I know you do, and I think you're pretty smart to write a whole book about it.
Jerry, the title is...
With a Feather on My Nose.
Oh, then you must have read it, Dean.
Yes, I did, and I thought it was pretty ridiculous.
You thought what?
Just what I said. It's pretty ridiculous for a lady of your youth to write her life story so early.
Why, you've got most of your life still ahead of you.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh, Dean.
I'm so unworthy of you.
I suppose you're wondering why Jerry and I came to see you.
Well, I'll come right to the point.
You see, we've got a big problem, and you're the only person in the world who can help us.
Oh, really?
Yes. Now, you're the owner of a lot on Beverly Avenue.
Oh, lucky me. And Hollywood Calling didn't even phone me.
Oh, Ms. Burke, this isn't a quiz show prize. You've owned this lot a long time.
Oh, oh, yes, yes, that one. I remember now.
My real estate broker phoned me about that lot, but I thought he was crazy.
Crazy?
Yes, yes. He was laughing like mad and said something about little red horses flying out of gasoline pumps.
You think that's crazy? You should have heard what he told us.
He told us we have to move our garage off your lot so you can put up a building.
Isn't that funny?
Oh, my, yes, it is.
When can you move?
Well, then it's true. You are going to make us move the garage.
Well, yes, I'm sorry, but I've been planning to use that lot to put up a haven for poor, unfortunate, homeless hobos.
Well, shake hands with your first customer.
Well, I'm sorry, but I've been planning my home for hobos for several years.
I'm not doing any good, Dean. You better take over.
Okay. Ms. Burke, look at me closely.
Yes.
Hello, baby.
Oh, how thrilling and how clever to do that particular imitation.
No kidding, baby.
Oh, yes, Charles Boyer has always been my favorite.
Say, Ms. Burke, how would you like to hear a song sung by Bing Crosby, Perry Como, Mel Torme, and Singin' Sam all at once?
Oh, I'd love it.
Okay, she asked for it.
You left out pizza, so I'll try some Enchanted Evening.
Song Enchanted Evening
You may see a stranger
Across the crowded room
And somehow you know
You know even then
That somewhere you'll see her
Again and again
Some enchanted evening
Someone may be laughing
You may hear her laughing
Across the crowded room
And night after night
As strange as it seems
The sound of her laughter
Will sing in your dreams
Who can explain it?
Who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons
Wise men never try
Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love
When you feel her call you
Across the crowded room
And fly to her side
And make her your own
For all through your life
You may dream all alone
Once you have found her
Never let her go
Once you have found her
Never let her go
Applause
Hey, that was really great, Dean.
Oh, yes, you sang beautifully,
but I'm afraid I haven't changed my mind
one bit about building my home for hobos.
Well, that's all right, Ms. Burke.
Thanks anyway. Come on, Dean.
But Jerry.
Come on, Dean. Bye, Ms. Burke.
Bye.
Jerry, what was the idea of giving up so easily?
I didn't give up. Listen, Ms. Burke would let us
keep our building on a lot if I proved to her
that hobos don't even want homes, wouldn't she?
Well, I guess so.
Fine. Now, all you've got to do is pick up Ms. Burke
this evening and drive down to 5th and Walnut Streets.
I'll get Soapy to help me,
and we'll dress up like real hobos.
And when you and Ms. Burke get there...
footsteps
Well, this is 5th and Walnut, Soapy.
You better just look me over once more.
I want to be sure that Ms. Burke can't recognize me
through this hobo outfit.
Recognize you with that phony beard
and all that Deutcha smear on your face?
Not a chance. You look like a real hobo.
So do you, Soapy. Boy, your pants really are shiny,
aren't they?
They're shiny.
On the way down here, I bent over to pick up a cigarette butt
and a couple in the park started nicking.
They thought the moon just came up.
Laughter
Gee, I wish Dean would get here with Ms. Burke.
Well, they'll be here. Don't worry, kid.
Hey, hey, boy, you sure picked a good corner, Jerry.
Gee, just look at all those hobos around here.
Look at them sleeping in doorways,
they're hanging around the corners,
leaning up against the buildings.
Remember this. Remember, if you want to act convincing,
just do like they do.
What do you mean, Soapy?
Well, like Francis Panhandling.
The secret of the thing is to tell a real hard luck story.
You know, you might even get a quarter.
Yeah. You mean, if I tell a real hard luck story,
I can get a quarter?
Sure, sure.
Look, here comes a man out. I'll try it out on him.
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me, mister.
Yeah? What do you want?
Laughter
Could you help a fellow who hasn't eaten in three days?
I haven't eaten in two weeks.
Laughter
That's not all.
I haven't had a bath in six months.
Oh. What's a bath?
Laughter
And worst of all,
I haven't seen my wife in 20 years.
Laughter
I've seen mine.
Laughter
Applause
Well, kid, how'd you make out? Did you get your quarter?
Yeah.
That's the idea. Now you're a quarter ahead.
No, I'm not. I gave him a dollar.
Laughter
Look, Soapy, there's Dean and Miss Burke just driving up in the car.
Come on, let's hide in this hallway until they get here.
Well, Miss Burke, here we are.
This is where the hobos hang out.
Now let me help you out of the car.
Thank you.
My goodness, what a neighborhood.
This is a disgrace.
I think the city would do some repair work down here.
Repair work? What do you mean?
These people are taxpayers.
Why should that man over there have to hold up that lamppost?
Laughter
Yeah, he's got enough of a load now.
Laughter
Well, Miss Burke, if you still want to talk to these hobos
and get their reaction to your home idea,
there's a couple of ragged-looking tramps right down the street here.
All right. You know, this is quite an experience for me.
Knocks on door
Pardon me, folks. Could you help out a poor broken-down old bum?
Laughter
My goodness, I'll try. What do you want?
Could you... could you spare a hundred dollars for a cup of coffee?
Laughter
My goodness, I can't afford to give you a hundred dollars for a cup of coffee.
No? Well, uh, how about fifty bucks for a Demi-Tas, huh?
Laughter
Twenty-five bucks? I'll give up sugar and cream?
Laughter
Ah, all right, then give me a penny.
A penny?
Yeah, I'll buy a coffee bean at the A&P and suck on it through a straw.
Laughter
Applause
Well, you see, Miss Burke, these hobos are pretty independent.
Well, he certainly was, but let's talk to his friend here,
this poor tattered, unwashed, messy, ragged creature.
Laughter
My, tell me, young man, what's your name?
B.O. Plenty, Jr.
Laughter
Excuse me, ma'am, could you spare two and a half cents for a cup of coffee?
Two... two and a half cents for a cup of coffee?
Why, I thought everybody usually asked for a nickel.
Yeah, but I'm out of the high rent district.
Laughter
Miss Burke, these two men seem to be typical hobos.
Now, why don't you ask them about your home idea?
Homes, he says. Hey, look, we don't want no home.
We can't stand being cooped up.
We'd like to roam the wide open spaces with no strings,
no ties, no wardens.
Laughter
Excuse me, folks, I've got to be going.
Where are you going?
Right up the street. I've just seen a fella throw away a murad.
Laughter
Well, Dean, I guess you were right.
These two hobos aren't interested in a home at all.
Sure, that's what Dean and I were telling you this afternoon.
Laughter
You were telling me? Why, you're not a tramp at all.
You're Jerry Lewis.
Yeah, but Miss Burke, let me explain.
There's no need to explain.
I see through your whole scheme now, and I'm leaving.
But Miss Burke...
Goodbye.
Laughter
Well, Jerry, now don't you start on me, Dean.
I still think it was a good idea to dress up as a hobo.
And it should have worked out perfectly, but it didn't.
Miss Burke saw through the whole thing, and she finally recognized me.
And we didn't get to lottin', Dean.
What?
I made a hobo boo boo.
Laughter
Applause
Well, Jerry, we've been moping around our apartment here for three hours now.
There's no point worrying this much.
Let's go to a movie or something and forget it.
No, I don't feel like it, Dean. All I want to do is just...
Boys, salute the greatest real estate operator since Gypsy Rose Lee opened a Cherokee strip.
Laughter
What do you mean?
Well, I'll tell you, I knew you boys were pretty down about what happened today.
So I went over to Miss Bikes, and I talked to her personal.
And she's disgusted with the whole idea of building a hobo home.
So I bought the lot from her for you guys. Five thousand bucks.
You bought the lot from her?
Uh-huh, I did.
Boy, that's wonderful, Sophie.
But five thousand dollars, where did you get the money?
Well, I didn't have the money, so I did the next best thing.
I gave her your building as a down payment on the lot.
Laughter
Oh, no.
Applause
Good night, folks. Good night. See you next week, everybody.
I'm thanking Miss Billy Burke.
Applause
The Martin Lewis Show Transcribed in Hollywood is produced by Robert L. Redden, written by Dick McKnight and Ray Allen, with Mort Lockman and Cy Rose.
Next week, our guest is going to be Jane Russell.
This has been Alexander, suggesting you tune in to your NBC station each Tuesday evening at the same time for the Martin and Lewis Show.
Applause
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
Music