Yes, from Hollywood, the National Broadcasting Company brings you transcribed to Martin and Lewis show.
Our guest tonight, Jane Russell, featuring Flo McMichael, Sheldon Leonard,
then Alexander Dix, to be in his orchestra and starring Dean Martin.
That old black magic has been in its spell, that old black magic that you weave so well.
And Jerry Lewis.
Ah, yes. And once you had me in your spell, my darling.
Remember that summer that we fell in love. Every night we'd go to the drive-in theater in NEC.
Until that terrible evening when the manager told us we'd have to get a car.
Well, as many of you know, Dean and Jerry have bought a garage, which they're converting into a nightclub.
With the opening night only two weeks away, we find them in their office,
hopelessly entangled in a mass of details and unpaid bills.
Ah, Jerry, where did that secretary go to? Florence sure has these bills in an awful mess.
Why don't you stop that daydream and help me try to straighten things out here?
I can't help daydreaming, Dean. Gee, in another week the club will be open and the money will start rolling in.
Boy, will we be rich. Every day I'll drive out to my golf course, play nine holes, kiss my caddy, play another nine holes, kiss my caddy.
Oh, wait a minute, Jerry. Kiss your caddy.
Sure. I'll be so rich I'll have Ava Gardner carrying my clubs for me.
Oh, that's wonderful. And tell me, Allie, what's new with Rita?
Ah, now look, if you aren't going to help, Jerry, at least find Florence for me. What a secretary. Where is she anyway?
I don't know, but don't ball her out, Dean. I think she's about ready to quit anyway. Remember the job we got until the last time she quit?
Yeah, we didn't know whether we were standing on our heads or what.
Maybe you didn't know, but I knew what I was doing. I was standing on my head.
Oh, Jerry, don't be an imbecile. You don't know what you're talking about.
I'm an imbecile. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Well, of course not.
See, you're just as imbecile as I am.
Jerry, you might as well face it that we're helpless without...
Hello, Mr. Martin. Hello, Mr. Lewis.
Now, Florence, where have you been?
Well, the decorator's hanging some drapes out in the club, and I was just giving him some hints.
Oh, that's good. Did he follow them?
No, he just went on hanging the drapes.
Florence, I don't want you to think that I'm balling you out about your work here in the office, but about the checks you've written, let's see, they total $784.
Now, how much do we have in the bank to cover the checks?
Ninety-seven cents.
You see, Dean, it just balances.
Oh, this kid belongs in Congress.
All right, Dean, I get it. You're mad at me.
Jerry, I'm not mad at you.
Oh, yes you are.
Oh, stop that. What makes you think I'm mad at you?
I don't see me in your eyes anymore.
Well, don't blame me. I told you to get a haircut.
I know who you're both mad at. Me. You're hinting that I don't keep your books right, that I'm losing your money.
Now, Florence.
I'm not efficient. The next thing I know, you'll be saying nasty things to me.
But Florence, we're your friends.
You see, there you go.
Oh, come on, Florence. Betty Davis, please.
We appreciate you, Florence, really. This is the first time your books have ever been in the red.
Oh, now you're accusing me of being a communist.
That does it. I'm quitting. Goodbye.
Gee, Dean, now we are sunk.
The opening of our club is only two weeks off, and we're counting on a secretary to help us.
Everything seems to be going against us, and we're going to lose all the money we've invested in the club.
What?
Everything seems to be going against us, and we're going to lose all the money we've invested in the club.
Now, Jerry.
I didn't want anything like it every time we tried something every time.
Take it easy, Terry.
Now, smile. Go ahead, smile.
No.
Now, blow your nose.
No.
Now, there's nothing to be upset about. All we've got to do to get a new secretary is to put an ad in the paper.
And ask for a new secretary?
Sure.
Oh, boy. A new secretary. Hey, I got it. How's this? Wanted. Beautiful, luscious young girl to be secretary to beautiful, luscious young executive.
Object? To set a new record for the around-the-desk chase.
It's not going to be anything like that, Jerry. I don't want an attractive girl who'll keep your mind off of work.
The ad should read like this. Wanted. Fission secretary. Must be plain looking. Dress simply. Prefer a girl with glasses.
Go ahead. Run down to the paper with that right away. Go ahead. Put it in the paper. Hurry up.
Me? Run down? What about you? I'm too run down as it is.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm too run down as it is. Oh, that was a Swifty.
Jerry, I'd be glad to take the ad to the paper, but right now I've got to rehearse that production number we planned. Remember?
Oh, sure. How does that go again? Your lips tell me no, no, but there's neureen in your eyes.
Sing it, old man.
Your lips tell me no, no, but there's yes, yes in your eyes.
I've been missing your kissin' just because I wasn't wild.
I'll stop my scheming and dreaming cause I realize.
Your lips tell me no, no, but there's yes, yes in your eyes.
Come on over here, honey. I ain't gonna hurt you. Let me talk to you.
Your lips tell me no, no, but there's yes, yes right in your eyes.
Well, I've been missing all your kissin' just because I wasn't wild.
Well, I'll stop my scheming, stop my dreaming cause I just realized.
Your lips tell me no, no, but there's yes, yes in your eyes.
While Dean and Jerry are hoping for some response to their ad for a secretary,
on the other side of town, a leading movie producer is awaiting a conference with his star, Miss Jane Russell.
Come in.
You wanted to see me, Mr. Johnson?
Oh, yes. Come in, Jane.
Well, Jane, I'll come right to the point. It's about your next picture.
You know, you were such a success in that picture, the pale face.
How would you like to do another picture with Bob Hope?
Bob Hope?
Yes, Bob Hope.
Oh, please, Mr. Johnson. Don't they need a leading lady for Mighty Joe Young?
Now, look, the studio's bought a story in which you play the part of a private secretary.
I think you should take a real job as a secretary for a couple of weeks to get the feel of the part.
But where can I get a job as a secretary?
Well, I've got the answer to that, Jane. Here in the paper it says,
wanted, efficient secretary, must be plain looking, dress simply, prefer girl with glasses.
You think that describes me?
Of course not. But we're going to have the makeup department braid your hair and pigtails
and give you some horn rim glasses.
Well, okay, Mr. Johnson. Oh, by the way, who will I be working for?
Well, the name in the ad just says Martin and Lewis.
Martin and Lewis? I better pick up some track shoes, too.
Well, anyway, here's the address, Jane.
And be sure you disguise yourself enough so that no one will recognize you as Jane Russell.
Hmm. You know, this could be really fun. I guarantee you they'll never recognize me.
Well, Jerry, our ad for a new secretary came out in this morning's paper,
and I hope we get some results soon.
We've got lots of work to do if we ever expect to open our nightclub in two weeks.
Yeah, I'm really excited. I know we asked for a plain looking girl,
but wouldn't it be wonderful if we got a beautiful girl with dreamy blue eyes,
flushes lips, and...
Gee, maybe that's her now.
Come in.
Here I am.
Ha ha!
What's the matter, kid?
I was expecting a glass of champagne and I end up with a bucket of Clorox.
Well, bottoms up.
Sophie, what brings you over here?
Well, I just got this morning's paper,
and I see where you guys are advertising for a secretary.
Oh, no, your eyes may be blue, but they're not that dreamy.
No, I wasn't talking about me, kid.
I just thought that maybe I could help you boys out, you see.
I happen to know a few girls who could handle this job.
Oh, you do?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
I'll just stomp through my address book here,
and I'll see what I can find for you.
Well, that's none of the A's.
Hey, that's a good idea, Sophie.
Maybe I ought to look at my address book for a secretary.
Wait a minute, I'll thumb through mine.
Well, kid, you're finding names?
Yes, but mother doesn't need the work.
Now let's get back to my address book, hey?
Now, here on page 312, volume 4,
a cute little number, name of reader, here, reader,
5'2", red hair, and DITB.
DITB?
Yeah, dynamite in the balcony.
Well, what's this one down here?
Elaine, OMHG.
Yeah, OMHG. Does that stand for Oomphy Miss Heavenly Gams?
No.
Old man has gun.
Well, let's see, here's Joanne, there's Doris, Rose, June, Mary, Sam.
Sam?
Yeah, oh, well, that's just a nickname.
Oh.
Full name is Samuel.
We have here Diane, oh, Evelyn, say, now that Evelyn,
that might be a very good secretary for you guys here.
She's not working right now either.
Well, how's her shorthand?
Well, I don't know, but her legs are terrific.
She used to be a bubble dancer, used to do a terrific dance, you know,
but then one night there was an awful thing happen.
But what was?
Well, you see, she was dancing, dancing to the tune of Pop Goes the Weasel.
Yeah.
She got a bubble too near a ringside table, some weasel popped it.
Now, you've got the wrong idea, so, but we don't want a cute secretary
who'll distract us from our work.
We want a very plain, efficient secretary.
Oh, well, if that's what you want, you are really getting it.
Oh, look, coming up the walk there.
Yeah, look at her, Dean, pigtails, business suit, horn rimmed glasses,
no makeup.
She looks like Neptune's daughter at low tide.
Oh, boys, this is your problem.
I will see you later.
Gee, Dean, you were the one who wanted to hire a plain looking girl,
but this girl who's coming is too homely.
I better tell her the job is all filled.
Come in.
How do you do?
I'm looking for Martin and Lewis.
You got the wrong address, lady.
Where were my Abner?
Aw, Jerry.
Come on in, miss.
I suppose you're here in answer to our ad.
Yes, you advertised for a plain looking girl with glasses, so here I am.
Well, all right.
Now, your name is?
Jane Rus...
Hockenhaven.
Hockenhaven?
That's right.
Well, I guess if someone had to be named Hockenhaven, it sure ought to be you.
Look, if you don't want to call me by my full name, you can just use my nickname.
What's that?
Sam.
Say, miss, tell me one thing.
Yes?
Are you for real?
Miss, I think I ought to warn you.
We're opening a nightclub in two weeks, and there's a lot of work to do.
Yeah, and you probably won't like this job at all.
It's awful hard.
24 hours a day, going at top speed.
Oh, I don't think I'll mind.
Oh, but I'm a tough boss.
I'm a dynamo.
Why, I don't think anything of working my fingers right down to my secretary's bones.
You know, you'll have to forgive my partner, miss.
He had a very tough time last night.
He was thinking.
He was thinking?
Yeah, and today he's got a charley horse in the head.
Look here, Dean Martin, I don't have to stand around here and have you tolerate me.
No?
Absolutely not.
I can always sit down, you know.
Look, Miss Hockenhaven, I think you'll do fine for this job.
Thank you.
Now, wait a minute, Dean.
Don't let this poor girl accept before she knows what she's getting into.
Oh, I don't think I'll mind, really, but what are my duties?
Well, you answer the phone, sharpen the pencils, type the letters, fill the wastebaskets, keep
the books, empty the cash register, file a mail, mail the files, wash my socks, hoist
the mangel, lift that barge, tow that bail, and you work from nine to five, eight hours
every day except Saturday, which is 31.
Now, never mind trying to discourage her anymore, Jerry.
Miss Hockenhaven, you're hired.
Hmm.
Well, okay, I guess.
Here, Miss Hockenhaven, let me take your bag.
Ah, gee, it's so heavy.
What have you got in it?
Track shoes.
Well, now that we've got a secretary again, you better get to work, Jerry.
The musicians are all set up there on the bandstand, so, you know, to rehearse that
number I'm going to sing for opening show.
You mind?
Come on.
Oh, oh, gee, gee, I'd love to hear you sing, Mr. Martin.
Before we startin' our work, couldn't we listen to you?
I think you're wonderful.
Ah, you're just sayin' that to make me feel good.
And it sure worked.
The song's called Room Full of Roses, and it goes something like this.
Okay.
You'd have a room full of roses.
If I sent a rose of white, for every time I cried all night,
You'd have a room full of roses.
And if you took the petals and you tore them all apart,
You'd be tearing at the roses just the way you tore my heart.
If someday you are feeling blue and you could send some roses too,
Well, I don't want a room full of roses.
I just want my arms full of you.
And if you took the petals and you tore them all apart,
You'd be tearing at the roses just the way you tore my heart.
If someday you are feeling blue and you could send some roses too,
Well, I don't want a room full of roses.
I just want my arms full of you.
Oh, thank you for letting me listen to your rehearsal, Mr. Martin. I loved it.
Oh, thanks. And I got to go check on the drapes and the decorations that the workmen are putting up around the dance floor now.
Don't you worry about a thing, Miss Hockenhaven. Jerry will show you exactly what to do.
Okay, Dean. See you later.
I like that Dean. He hides our homely secretary and then leaves me all alone with her.
I'll show her.
Well, Miss, guess we better get to work. That's our motto around this office. Work, work, work. More work. You got to continue to work.
And we work a little harder and a little harder. We get things accomplished and we work and work and we work some more.
And then we work and we work a little more and work, work, work.
Okay, let's get started. I can't. I just wore myself out.
Mr. Lewis, are you sure you know what you're doing? Do I know what I'm doing? Listen, brother.
No, you mean sister, don't you? I'm sure that nobody'd ever mistake me for their brother.
I would, but I'm only 23 years old. What do I know?
Now, I suppose you know all about typing, Miss. Well, no, no, I'm not too familiar with typing.
There's nothing to it. I'll show you. Come over to the desk here.
See, you just bend over the typewriter like this and you go...
That's pretty good, huh? Yeah, I'll say. But doesn't that hurt your nose?
Now, wait a minute. You're the one who's supposed to type anyhow.
Now, just sit down there and I'll dictate a letter. Ready? Yes, sir.
Dear sir, my laundry came back this week with all the buttons missing from my pajamas.
If this happens again, I'm going to sue because the wrong house catches on fire and I have to run out.
Oh.
Now, did you get that? Just four words of it. What are they?
Are you for real?
Am I for real? Am I for real? Why, when a person's for real, it means they're alive and made out of flesh and blood and breathing and living.
And as you can see, I'm... Well, I missed that question. Can I stand by for the jackpot?
Okay, put that letter in an envelope and get it out in the first mail.
Come in. Who is it? Hello, Mr. Lewis. Lawrence, it's you. Yes, it's me.
Then you've come back? Yes, I've come back.
Well, how are things in Capistrano?
Mr. Lewis, I couldn't leave you and Mr. Martin helped us, so I came back to go to work.
Well, Florence, we replaced you with Miss, uh, Miss, uh, Miss Harkinhaven.
You replaced me with her? Yes, she's very efficient.
Well, all right if you prefer efficiency to beauty and oomph.
Now, just wait a minute.
Well, I'm sorry, honey. I wouldn't hurt your feelings for the world. After all, it isn't your fault if you're the mousy type.
The mousy type? Now, listen, you just... Well, I don't care...
Girls, girls, girls, please stop it. I can't blame you for fighting over me, but believe me, I'm worth it.
Well, I guess you do need a job, you poor girl. Those glasses and those pigtails.
Why, when I see a girl like you and then look in the mirror and see myself, I say,
Oh, Florence, you gorgeous doll, you.
Say, you're pretty happy with yourself, aren't you, honey?
Sure. Florence is lovely. She's engaged. She smokes talcum powder.
Oh, so you're on her side, Mr. Lewis. Well, if you two think you can take my job away from me this easy, you're mistaken.
I'm going out and talk to Mr. Martin.
Gee, she's pretty sore at me, ain't she?
Sore at you? Why, Mr. Lewis, you don't understand anything about a woman. She doesn't want the job half as much as she wants to be around you.
Well, notch, after all, can you blame her? Why, I've been out with Lana Turner, Ava Gardner, Linda Darnell, Jane Russell.
You've been out with Jane Russell?
Yeah. Sort of surprised you, didn't I?
You sure did.
Oh, boy, what I could tell you about that Janey baby.
Well, please do tell me about Janey baby. Is she really pretty?
Oh, she's gorgeous.
You know, I've heard that she's actually sort of plain looking. You'd never even notice her in a crowd.
That's really silly, White. I'd know Jane Russell if I were within a hundred yards of her, blindfolded.
Gee.
You really are clever, aren't you?
But you know, I'm glad to hear that she's so pretty because a few people have told me that I look a little bit like her.
You? Look like Jane Russell? Are you out of your mind?
Well, don't you think that I look even a little bit like her? After all, at least we're both girls.
Sure. And Stanley's steamers and Cadillacs are both automobiles. But what a difference on our way up to Mulholland Drive.
Oh, brother. Now, wait a minute. This has gone far enough. You've never parked on Mulholland Drive with Jane Russell.
Don't kid yourself why the last time we were up there, she hugged me and kissed me and she even whispered in my ear that I'm the only man in her life.
Jerry, I'm Jane Russell.
Imagine me, the only man in her life.
Jerry, Jerry, I said, I'm Jane Russell.
Well, which way to Boys Town?
Now, wait a minute. You scared me so much, I almost believed you for a second.
Dean, come in here. It's pretty warm in here, miss, but you'll be all right in a few minutes.
Dean, hurry! Now, stay on your own side of the desk and just take it easy.
Dean!
Jerry, what's the matter?
Miss Hockenhayven thinks she's Jane Russell. It's so warm in here, the heat must have gone through her head.
All right, all right. I can show you all. I'll fluff out my hair and I'll take off my glasses and put on a little lipstick. There.
Why, it is Jane Russell.
Gee, no wonder I thought it was warm in here.
But Miss Russell, I don't understand this at all.
Well, the studio wanted me to get some experience as a secretary for my next picture, so they talked me into putting on this disguise and applying for the job.
Gee, Dean, how do you like that? I was trying to make her work so hard she quit the job and I stood right here in front of her and bragged about having dates with Jane Russell.
And I told her how awful she looked.
And I was complaining about you hiring an ugly girl and all the time you'd really hired Jane Russell.
And, Dean?
What?
Boy, did she make a fool out of you.
Well, I finally got everything squared around, Jerry. I apologized to Jane Russell before she left and I finally got Florence to take her old job back.
Gee, I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble, Dean.
Oh, that's all right. The only thing I regret is that you told Jane Russell all those fibs.
The idea, standing right there in front of her and bragging about having a date with her and taking her up on Mulholland Drive.
Gee, Dean, I didn't mean to lie. I mean, I didn't mean to lie.
I didn't lie. That is, I mean, I didn't know I was lying because I thought that she was...
Well, you see, it's dark up there on Mulholland Drive and she said, Dean, let's face it.
Face what?
Some girl's been making an awful fool out of me, too.
Good night, folks, and thank you, Miss Jane Russell.
Good night, everybody.
The Martin Lewis Show Transcribed in Hollywood is produced by Robert L. Redden, written by Ray Allen and Dick McKnight, with Cy Rose and Mort Lockman.
Next week, our guest will be Cesar Romero. Jane Russell can soon be seen in the Howard Hughes production, The Outlaw.
Now, here's a reminder. Tomorrow night's wonderful lineup of NBC attractions includes the Adventures of Archie Andrews, Henry Morgan, and Mr. District Attorney.
This has been Alexander, suggesting you tune in to your NBC station each Tuesday evening at the same hour for the Martin and Lewis Show.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.