It's the Martin and Lewis show.
The National Broadcasting Company brings you Transcribe from Hollywood, the Martin and
Lewis show.
Featuring Flo McMichael, Sheldon Leonard, Ben Alexander, Dick Stabele and his orchestra,
and starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.
Well, right now we find Dean and Jerry in their hotel room preparing to go to their
nightclub.
The boys have made a strenuous series of personal appearances.
Jerry especially is all tired out.
Gee, Dean, I sure wish we didn't have to go to the club tonight.
I'd rather just stay here in the room and read a book or listen to our Martin and Lewis
program being released at a more inconvenient time.
You know, Jerry, you don't seem to have much pep tonight.
I think you need some proper exercise, Jerry, and maybe a bodybuilding course.
What did you say?
I said, wouldn't you like to take a course in bodybuilding?
Sure, if I could learn to build one like Ava Gardner.
Jerry, I'm trying to give you advice.
Can't you be serious once?
Must you always play the buffoon?
What do you mean buffoon?
I don't play the buffoon.
I play the trumpet.
Jerry!
I used to play the trumpet back home at the Elks Club every Saturday night.
Jerry, will you please stop?
Dean, it's times like these that make me think you should have kept your nose and had the
rest of you removed.
Jerry, now how can you talk to me like that?
You know, it hurts me when you say things about my physical appearance.
I'm sorry, Dean.
I didn't mean it.
As a matter of fact, I was just going to say how good you're looking at suit.
Well, thanks, Jerry.
Of course clothes make the man.
After all, what would a man be without clothes?
Naked.
Oh, come on.
Get your coat and let's go.
All right.
I wonder if I need my raincoat.
Wait a minute.
I'll pull up the window shade and see what the weather is like.
Not bad, just a little drizzle.
I think a...
What's the matter?
Look across the court and I'll window that.
See, there's a hand with a gun in it.
Yeah, and it seems right in the guy's back.
Oh, he did it.
Look, they pulled down the shade.
Jerry, this is awful.
Call the manager.
Yeah, we ought to insist on another room immediately.
No, we've got to report the murder.
Why don't we call the police?
The managers like to know these things first.
Oh, I see.
That gives them a chance to move the body to another hotel.
Look, if you're not going to call, I'll do it.
Don't get excited, Dean.
Keep calm.
The main thing is keep calm.
Quiet, Jerry, relax.
Get your mind off of it.
Think of a pretty girl.
You know, there must be room 607 across from us.
They don't seem to answer.
Come on, Jerry, let's go down to the manager's office.
Jerry?
Jerry, what's that strange look on your face?
Oh, Dean, you spoiled everything.
I was just thinking of a pretty girl.
I almost had a friend for you.
Have you forgotten that we've got to report a murder?
Now let's go to the elevator.
Gee, these thick hotel carpets are noisy.
Now look, Jerry, don't open your mouth about this murder until we see the manager.
And anyone might be the guilty party, you know.
Going down.
Okay.
Lovely day.
Yeah.
Hey, Dean, you think she did it?
Oh, don't be silly.
I'll find out.
I'll question it.
Hey, sister, see anything suspicious in the last few minutes?
What do you mean?
Any dead people get on the elevator?
Oh, Jerry, lay up.
I'm sorry, miss.
Did he frighten you?
Oh, that kind of talk doesn't scare me.
I once found two bodies.
Well, you certainly kept the right one.
Main lobby.
Now look, there's the manager's office, Jerry.
Come on, hurry, hurry.
Gee, our feet make the same noise on the tile floor that they do on a carpet.
Well, there's the manager in there.
Now let's not scare him.
Break it gently.
Hello, Mr. Silvernail.
Well, howdy-do, Jerry.
Well, howdy-do, gentlemen.
My, you both look upset.
Got a complaint?
Yes, you gave us a room overlooking a murder.
What are you talking about?
We saw someone get murdered.
Yeah, and we think it's room 607.
Oh, a couple of peeping Tom.
I am not.
I only looked through a keyhole once in my life and never did it again.
Why not?
Someone stuck a key in my eye and tried to open my head.
What about you, Martin?
Don't tell me you never looked through a keyhole.
Absolutely not.
I'm a transom man.
Look, Mr. Silvernail, we're wasting time.
The murderer will escape.
Look, I know you boys are great jokesters, but let's not kid about a thing like that.
But the man in 607 was killed and we know it.
Mr. Milford lives in room 607.
He's just not the type of person who gets murdered.
Call room 607 on the phone and if a man answers, brother, have you got long distance?
Listen, I don't have time for this nonsense.
I'm a busy man.
Good day.
Good day.
Good day.
Ah, come on, Jerry.
No use talking to him.
He'll be sorry.
Next time we see a man get murdered here, we won't tell you and he'll just lay there
running up a big bill.
Ah, don't argue, Jerry.
We'll just have to call the police.
That's what we should have done first.
Here, I'll use this phone in the lobby.
Hello, operator?
I want to report a murder to the police.
Police department, homicide, Sergeant Douglas.
Listen, Sergeant, my name is Jerry Lewis.
I said something.
Listen, Sergeant, I want to report a murder.
Gosh, I remember when I used to have to tell jokes to get laughs.
Sergeant, there's been a murder.
Oh, this is no use.
Gee, if a murder does that, just think of the laugh we could get with a massacre.
Hey, Jerry, look who's walking across the lobby.
Why, it's the famous reporter, Emma Blurb.
Say, Dean, she could help us.
She must know all the police reporters.
Oh, that's right.
Uh, Miss Blurb.
Well, Jerry Lewis Dean.
Martin.
Miss Blurb, we've got to talk to you.
All of you boys got a scoop.
Someone has been murdered.
All a double scoop.
Miss Blurb, we don't know who the victim is, but we certainly saw him murdered.
Murdered in cold blood.
We didn't take the temperature.
You've got to get the police over here, but they won't listen to us.
We thought perhaps you could call a police reporter and-
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't report murders unless the victims are being sued for divorce.
You mean you won't help us?
Well, perhaps I will.
If I'm nice to you, maybe someday if you're having a baby, you'll tell me first.
If I'm ever having a baby, I think I should tell my wife first.
Jerry Lewis, you're pulling.
My bacon, I think you're very-
Miss Blurb, what about the murder?
Oh, yes, murder.
I have one thing to say to all murders.
Surely you know that you're not helping the box office any by killing people.
If you must kill somebody, at least try and limit it to people who buy popcorn.
And now, good-
Oh, yes, good night.
Well, that's a lot of help she gave us.
Come on, Jerry, let's get to the police.
Okay, Dean, but before we go, will you sing a song?
It'll add to the suspense.
But how can I sing here in the hotel lobby?
Easy.
There's a parted orchestra behind those plans.
Well, okay, come on, stand by for telling.
Everywhere you go, sunshine follows you.
Everywhere you go, the skies are always blue.
Children love you, they seem to know.
You bring roses out of the snow, the whole world says hello.
Everywhere you go, children love you, they seem to know.
You bring roses out of the snow, the whole world says hello.
Everywhere you go.
Come on, Dean, let's go to the police station.
Jerry, maybe we'd better forget about the whole thing.
Forget that we've seen a murder committed?
Dean, what are you saying?
I couldn't forget the whole thing.
What would my scout master say?
Jerry, are you still a Boy Scout?
Yes, and don't forget, a Boy Scout is loyal.
A Boy Scout is truthful.
A Boy Scout is trustworthy.
And next week, I'm joining the Girl Scouts.
Joining the Girl Scouts, why?
A Boy Scout also likes to have fun.
Well Jerry, we still have quite a problem on our hands.
You know, if nobody will believe we saw a murder, what are we going to do?
We got to get to the police station.
Oh, this being in a police station makes me kind of nervous.
Come on Jerry, let's talk to the death sergeant.
I beg your pardon, sir.
Oh, hello.
Find a stray dog?
No, this is my partner Jerry Lewis.
Well I suppose it's alright then.
Sure it's alright, I got a license.
Look Mr. Policeman, we just saw a murder committed.
Yeah, over at the Plaza Hotel and there was terrible blood all over the place, hollering
and screaming.
Oh, it was terrible, wasn't it Jerry?
Yeah, it was murder.
Look, I know all about you guys, they called me from the hotel.
You're just troublemakers and I don't want to hear anything.
Oh, troublemakers?
Yeah.
Hey Charlie, throw these troublemakers out.
Okay Joy Boys, here we go, upsy daisy.
Hey hold on there, you...
Well that was a bright idea.
Now what do we do?
I know, let's go to the newspapers, they've got to listen to us.
Yeah, those newspaper guys are always very nice, you know that Jerry?
They've got a lot of influence too.
Hey Jerry, do you know Walter Winchell?
You mean the head of the FBI?
No Jerry, do we know any reporters?
No, but we're standing right in front of a newspaper of us now, let's go in.
Come on Dean, follow me down this corridor.
I've been here before, I'll find someone who'll believe our murder story.
I'm right behind you Jerry.
Hey, this is quite a big newspaper office at that.
Yeah, look in this door here.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are...
Oh darn, I just can't seem to get it to rhyme.
Well who was that?
Nick Kenny.
Hey look Jerry, there's another door, let's look and see who's working in there.
Sure, let's see who's in there.
Oh excuse us Mr. Pegler.
Oh look Dean, there's the editor's office.
He's the one we want, come on in here.
Yes?
Hey, what's the idea of bringing that Dalmatian in here?
That's not a Dalmatian, that's Jerry Lewis.
A dog with a last name?
No, no, you don't quite understand.
I'm Jerry Lewis, I'm a fella.
You see Mr. Editor, we live over at the Plaza Hotel and we saw a murder.
Oh I know all about it, and I know all about you too.
Hey Murphy, throw these two bums out of here.
Okay boss, come on kiddies, doubt he's gonna kiss you goodbye.
Well here we are out in the street again.
Fine thing, murders committed, nobody cares.
I guess here after we'd better just mind our own business.
Yeah that's the best way.
There they are boys, there's the two nuts that are running loose.
Grab them.
Look, we're Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.
We know, we know, we're taking you to a nice quiet place in the country where you can work
the whole thing out.
Come on Joe, get the jackets on them.
Hey let me go will ya?
Well what's the idea, I'm Dean Martin to sing it.
Yeah, how do I know that?
Sing them a couple of notes Dean.
Well listen, I'll prove it.
Georgia Georgia
Georgia Georgia
Keeps Georgia on my mind Georgia on my mind Georgia Georgia
A song of you comes as sweet and clear as moonlight through the pines
Other arms reach out to me other eyes smile tenderly
Still in peaceful dreams I see the road leads back to you
Georgia Georgia
No peace I find just an old sweet song keeps Georgia on my mind
Other arms reach out to me other eyes smile tenderly
Still in peaceful dreams I see the road leads back to you
Georgia Georgia
No peace I find just an old sweet song keeps Georgia on my mind
Georgia Georgia
Georgia Georgia
Georgia Georgia
Georgia Georgia
A sanitarium? A sanitarium? A seratarium? Oh, why are they taking us here? We've always
been sanitary.
Come on, boys, right across this patch of grass.
Gee, wooden grass.
Just a minute, I'll open the door.
Gee, it's just like a hospital. Look at this bar door with a sign on it. It says, don't
open this door. Men inside crazy as bed bugs.
Pardon me, son. I know what the silent arsehole door says, but it's not true. We're not crazy.
Would you do something to get us released?
Gee, you sure sound all right to me. Don't you worry, mister. I'll try and get you out
of here.
Oh, thank you, son. Thank you. Believe me, if you can do it, you'll have the eternal
gratitude of all us bed bugs.
Dean, I'm really getting nervous. Let's get out of here.
Yeah, maybe we can sneak through this door. Maybe it leads to an exit.
Well, we'll come in, boys. I've been waiting for you.
Sophie, what are you doing in a place like... Sophie.
Do it again. So how's the family?
Sophie, what are you doing in a place like this?
Quiet. In a place like this, I am a trustee here. I am in charge of the petty cash.
Sophie, they trust you with their money?
Yeah, and they think I'm crazy. Isn't that silly? Now, how could I be crazy? Just look
at me. I'm handsome. I'm suave, curly hair, 940 miles tall, four feet wide.
940 miles tall and four feet wide?
Yeah, I was born on a train between New York and Chicago.
Oh, stop, Sophie. We're in an awful jam. Dean and I saw a murder being committed and we
reported it to the police and now here we are here.
Oh, you're here, Ray. You saw a murder, huh? Well, I'll tell you, you'll be all right. The
only trouble with you is that you have got a neurosis.
Yeah, I know. I traded in my old roses. There's a gag for you. See, you said I have neurosis,
which is a sickness, see? But when you said new roses, I said I traded in for my old roses.
It's all a form of a gag. It's just funny because the words sounded alike and look how
he's staring at me.
Now, Sophie, tell us, what's the real reason that you're here?
Well, I'm learning a business, you know. I may open up a place of my own.
Well, where will you get the customers?
Why, all of my friends will come.
Oh, you haven't got any friends who belong in a place like this?
I have, and I certainly do. Certainly do. I got one of them is in the third cell down
the hall now. Guy thinks he's in an airplane. Hey, look, look, here he comes now.
Well, what do you know? He changed his mind.
Hey, look, fellas, I'll tell you, I'll see if I can get you. I'll see if I can get you
out of here, but first, let's see if we can convince the doctor that you are sane, eh?
Come on.
Oh, come in, gentlemen, come in. Oh, you'll have to excuse me, but I feel terrible. Bad
news, very bad news. I lost my uncle in the East. He stepped down to get into a Hudson.
What about it? It was the Hudson River.
Hey, Sophie, isn't this guy slightly nuts himself?
Well, I'll tell you, I wouldn't be surprised. He's got a good reason. You know, once when
he was operating on a patient and after he sewed him up, found out that he left his telephone
inside.
Hey, that's terrible. That's what drove him out of his mind, eh?
Oh, yeah, naturally. There were phone in him from Hollywood calling.
All right, now, we'll give you the word association test. Just say the first word that pops into
your head. Ready now? Table. Girl. Carpet. Girl. Chair. Girl. This little schnook is
really nuts. He thinks he's Errol Flynn.
Come on, Jay, do it right or we'll never get out of here.
All right, now, once more. Cat. Meow. Dog. Ow, ow. Towel. Boo. What was that? Cannon
power.
Well, the word association test is no good. Come here, I'm going to tap your head with
this little hammer. First in front, then in the back. Now in the front of the next. Oh,
shucks, another single headed fellow.
I leave you in here alone while I go get the head psychiatrist.
Oh, now we're in for it, Jerry. I know how these psychiatrists work. They make you lie
down on a couch and they cross examine you.
Well, I'll lie down on it. Oh, this is comfortable. So these guys just ask a bunch of questions,
eh? Start talking, Jerry. What did I talk about? Tell me, did you ever have dreams as
a child? No. You see, I was an incubator baby. Do you have dreams now? Yes. What do you dream
about? Pressure cookers.
Well let's try another angle. How much is one and one? Two. How much is two and two?
Let's go back to one and one.
Jerry, cut that out. Come on, I hear footsteps in the hall. Oh, the psychiatrist was busy
at the meeting, but I told the board about you two and got a ruling on your case. Now
I don't want you to be hurt, but it's obvious that you two are not quite like us.
Come on, doctor. What's the ruling?
Get out of this asylum immediately, both of you.
Get out?
You two, you dare ever come around bothering us bedbugs again.
Ah, Jerry, our hotel room never looked so good before. But after what we've been through,
the police and that sanitary, anything would look good.
Yeah, what a day. And all because we thought we saw a murder. Remember? I pulled up the
shade to see if it was raining like this. And I happened to look across the court and
BEEE!
What's the matter, Jerry?
Look, a guy with a gun. He's been beating the murder for the West Coast.
Wait, wait, I'll call the police.
No, no, that won't do any good. Look, he's-
Jerry, we've got to get the police.
Yeah, no, wait a minute.
Jerry, what are you laughing at?
Look, the victim just turned into a can of red-heart dog food.
Jerry, you're hysterical.
No, I'm not, Dean. Don't you see? All this trouble was for nothing. There were no murders.
All the time we've been just seeing a television show.
Lock on those new 72-inch screens.
Good night, folks. See you next week, everybody. Good night.
Martin Lewis Show Transcribed in Hollywood is produced by Robert L. Redd and written
by Charlie Isaacs and Jack Douglas. This has been another in the series of stellar comedy
programs sent your way every day by the National Broadcasting Company. Always tuned to NBC
for the best in comedy, drama, music, news, adventure and mystery. It's all yours for
the listening on NBC.
Screen Director's Playhouse has moved to Fridays in this same time period. Tune in Friday at
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stars on NBC.