It's the Martin and Lewis Show!
The National Broadcasting Company brings you Transcribe from Hollywood, the Martin and Lewis Show.
Featuring Flo McMichael, Sheldon Leonard, Ben Alexander, Dix De Beal and his orchestra.
And starring D. Martin and Jerry Lewis!
Well, we find Dean and Jerry in their apartment.
Dean is separating the morning mail.
He doesn't bother to look at the address.
He just smells the envelope.
If it smells of perfume, it's for him.
If it just smells, it's for Jerry.
He opens one letter, reads a line and then glances fondly into the mirror.
Jerry, Jerry, come here.
I'm busy, Dean. I'm fixing the electric blanket.
What for? I thought the man who came yesterday to fix the television set fixed the electric blanket too.
Well, he got them mixed up.
Last night, every time I turned over, the Goldbergs fell out of bed.
Jerry, don't tell me the blanket worked like a television set.
Yes, it did, Dean.
When I woke up this morning, the two kids from next door were turning my nose, trying to make my face come in clearer.
Jerry, you pulling my leg?
No, you must have your garter hooked to your shorts.
Listen to me now. I want to read a fan letter.
You don't need to read it to me, Dean. I know what it says.
Dear Mr. Martin, you're wonderful. I adore your voice. I dream of you. I sleep with your picture under my pillow.
Jerry, how did you know?
That's how I feel too.
Jerry, I hope you don't mind my getting fan mail. After all, we are partners.
That's right, Dean. Do you remember when we teamed up? I called myself Jerry Lewis Childstar.
Yeah, and I was trying to decide whether to be a singer or a fight announcer.
And to this day, you haven't quite made up your mind.
Remember, Jerry, how when we became partners, we took the oath of allegiance.
I, Dean Martin, take Jerry Lewis to be my lawful partner.
And I, Jerry Lewis, take Dean Martin to be my lawful partner, in sickness or in health, until Milton Berle do us part.
You know, just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes. Jerry, read my mail to me, will you?
All right, Dean. Gee, here's a long envelope. It says from City Hall.
This looks important. It's from the Child Welfare Department.
Dear Mr. Martin, it has come to our attention that you are working in clubs after 10 o'clock at night with your son professionally known as Jerry Lewis.
Oh, they're crazy. You're my son?
Gee, why didn't you tell me, Dad?
I'm not your father.
Come, come, Dad. What did you do with Mother?
Jerry, I'm only six years older than you. How could I possibly be your father?
Your private life is your own, Dad.
Jerry, please.
Let me sit on your knees, Daddy, just once before I turn 24.
Oh, Jerry, stop it. This letter here, it's serious. Look what it says.
You are violating the child labor laws. Kindly bring your son to the Child Welfare Board immediately.
Failure to appear will be met with an injunction closing your nightclub.
Gee, Dad, I mean Dean. That is ruin our act.
We'll just take your birth certificate over there and prove you're over 21.
Have you got a birth certificate?
If I got a birth certificate? If I tell you I have a birth certificate, I have a birth certificate.
Why, everyone who's born has a birth certificate and you got the nerve to ask me if I have a birth certificate.
Have you?
No, no, no.
Now, we're in trouble, Jerry. Let's go to the Child Welfare Office.
Once they see you, then they'll realize you're not a child.
Coming, Daddy.
Now, don't act silly. Now, we're going into the Child Welfare Board.
Gosh, look at all the kids. Just sit over there on the bench. I'll get to you in a moment.
Here, Jerry, sit right here.
Okay. Move over, will you, little boy?
No.
I'd like to sit down.
Well, sit on something soft like your head.
How would you like a poke in the nose?
Oh, Jerry, cut it out. He's only about six years old.
That's the best time to frighten.
Well, okay, pal, sit down. Got a cigarette?
Don't tell me you smoke cigarettes.
No, I chew them.
Chew them?
Do you like to chew?
No, I like to spit.
Tell me, little boy, why are you here?
I put butterflies in the teacher's desk.
Well, that isn't so terrible, putting butterflies in the desk.
Well, I made them myself.
Huh? How do you make butterflies?
Out of butter and flies.
So, uh, so that's why they brought you up here, huh?
No, the teacher asked me to rub out the blackboards.
What happened?
I rubbed out the teacher instead.
Oh, Arthur, Arthur, you can go now, but be back tomorrow morning.
All right, Miss Hotchkiss, goodbye.
And now what can I do for you?
Well, I'm Dean Martin.
Oh, yes, Mr. Martin, and this must be your little son.
Who is he, Daddy?
Oh, shut up.
Don't talk to your child that way. You'll probably beat him, too.
Oh, Daddy doesn't beat me, but he's always wearing my clothes.
It started with my first pair of long diapers.
Mr. Martin, what is your excuse for violating the child labor laws?
He isn't a child. He's 23 years old.
That's right, Miss Hotchkiss.
Well, we can settle this in a minute.
Show me your birth certificate.
I don't have any.
Well, how is that possible? Your parents must have reported your birth.
No, my father didn't think I was a child.
I don't believe your story, and since you don't have a certificate,
the Child Wealth Air Board will determine if you're old enough to work in the nightclub.
Report tomorrow for a mental test.
Oh, Jerry, what's the matter?
I don't want anyone testing my mental.
No, Jerry, don't be silly. You'll be able to pass the test. Look, I'll calm you down by singing a song, huh?
All right, Dean. Ladies and gentlemen, Dean Martin will now sing
Just One of Those Things from the picture of the same name that was never made.
Well, it was just one of those things
Just one of those crazy flames
One of those bells and nouns and rings
Just one of those things
Well, it was just one of those nights
Just one of those fabulous flights
A trip to the moon on gossamer wings
Just one of those things
If we thought a bit of the end of it when we started painting the town
We'd have been aware that our love affair was too hot not to cool down
Goodbye, dear and old man
Here's hoping we meet none then
It was great fun but it was just one of those things
Just One of Those Things
Applause
Well, another day is done, beautiful and clear, but sticking out in it like a sore thumb is Jerry Lewis
who is about to leave with Dean for his mental test.
Jerry, we'd better go to the city hall soon.
Now, don't worry about your mental test.
We'll easily prove you're not my son, so stop being so nervous.
Who's nervous, Bing?
Bing, I'm not Crosby.
I know. Maybe that's why we don't have a sponsor.
You know, maybe you should have had this test a long time ago.
Gee, Dean, I don't know what I'll do if I flunk it.
They'll make me go to school and we'll be separated.
I don't want to leave you.
You're my pal, my partner, my buddy.
You owe me money.
Hello, boys.
Hello, Sir Beat.
Pardon me for not knocking, gentlemen, but I noticed that your door was ajar.
Really? I thought it was a door.
Don't you get it, Dean?
Sophie said the door was ajar.
So quick as a flash, I said, no, the door ain't ajar.
It's a door, meaning that the door he thought was ajar.
That's impossible, see?
So I said the door was ajar, and the same thing was for the jar being ajar.
And it's like, look how they're staring at me.
What seems to be the trouble, boys? Jerry here seems put-tied.
You see, Sophie, the child welfare board claims Jerry's a child,
and they want to give him a mental test.
A mental test? Well, there's nothing to worry about, kid.
All that they do is just give you one of them IOU tests.
No, you mean IQ tests.
No, I don't. I mean IOU.
I took one of them once after the test. I owed them some points.
I know, I know how you can prove that you are a man.
See, when you walk in to take the test, you come in reading a copy of Esquire magazine.
By reading Esquire, I won't prove I'm not a kid.
Well, you might be a kid when you start reading it, but brother, by the time you are true, you are a man.
Jerry, it's time we left for the city hall. Come on.
Yeah, now don't worry, boys. I've got an idea that I think will get you out of this predicament.
Now, I will see you later, but in the meantime, Jerry, keep a stiff upper lip.
Well, no use delaying it any longer, Jerry.
Let's go on over to the child welfare board so you can take your mental test.
I'm worried, Dean. If I don't pass the test, it'll break up our team.
Well, stop worrying, Jerry. This is kind of exciting.
I haven't had so much fun since the time I sat on that Perry Como record.
Hello? Yes, this is the United States Immigration Department.
No, I'm sorry, we don't handle that. Bye.
You know, since we moved in here yesterday, this place is attracting all the screwballs.
This morning, 20 people came in thinking this joint was still the child welfare board.
Yeah, that's right. Say, on your way out to lunch, will you see what's holding up those sign painters?
I want them to scrape off that child welfare sign and put up immigration office.
Okay, George. Oh, say, here's the file on two Italian boys who are coming in.
Giuseppe Tortoni and Pasquale Spomoni.
Now, look, if they don't pass their citizenship test today, cancel their visas, will you, and ship them back to Italy?
Yeah, so long. Right.
This is the right place, Jerry.
I guess these are the men. They look nervous. Try to make them feel at home.
Good morning, boys.
Come in and have a deshita.
Just relax it, everything will be all right.
Hey, Mike, you for real?
What do you know? It talks.
You're Tortoni and Spomoni?
No, I'm Vanella. My partner's Tutti Frutti.
Hmm. That's strange. You men speak English very well. When did you leave Italy?
Italy? I've never been to Italy.
Nothing's funny here. What's your name?
I'm Dean Martin, but my real name is Paul Corsetti.
Paul Corsetti. And then you?
Oh, I'm Jerry Lewis, but my real name is Gerardo Minestrone, Pisa La Zagna, Cacciatore, Ara Gosta Rivoli, but my friends call me Auntie Pasty.
Hey, mister, come on, let's get on with the exam, huh?
Yeah, I'm anxious to prove to you that I am not a young boy.
Gentlemen, I'm in no mood to fool around. You, sir, will you please tell me what you know about the first ten amendments?
Everybody knows that. They're called the Bill of Rights.
Very good.
Sure, figures.
And now you.
Now you. What about the other amendments?
Oh, everybody knows that. They're called the Bill of Left.
Uh, pardon me, but were there any sane members in your family?
Not just a minute, mister. I don't like your attitude.
Well, is that so? I'm canceling your visas. No tooty fruity can talk to me like that.
Tooty fruity? Eh, ma faccia brut, stupido, non a cavar dos, che mi sei. E ne lagavate.
What does all that mean?
It means Sidney Greensby should fall on you.
You know, this is a strange way you fellas have of trying to prove Jerry is under 21. Fine way to run a child welfare board.
Child welfare board? And you're Americans?
Of course we're Americans. Why, I voted in every election since 1903.
1903? Why, you weren't even born then. How could you have voted?
I mailed in my ballot.
Lucky I learned this. I was ready to deport you to Italy. Who are you anyway?
Oh, we're Martin and Lewis, radio comedians. And you'll be seeing us in pictures and in television for years and years and years and years.
Excuse me. Where are you going?
Going to deport myself to Italy.
Now Jerry, before we go into the welfare office, remember our partnership is at stake.
Now if you fail this test, Martin and Lewis will fold up. Come on, let's go in.
Well, Mr. Martin, I'm glad you've arrived. Now Jerry, if you'll sit right here, I'll ask you a few questions.
Okay. First, your full name. Jerry Lewis. Height? 5'11". Race? Only when I'm wearing sneakers.
Lady, please don't let what Jerry says influence you.
Now Jerry, here's a speed test. I have here a number of pieces of a portrait, which I have cut up, and I want you to put the pieces back together again.
Okay. What will it be when I put them together? A picture of Rita Hayworth in a bathing suit.
Oh, when you had such a nice thing, why did you cut it up?
Jerry, will you please stop asking silly questions? If the lady wants to cut up a picture of Rita Hayworth in a bathing suit into a lot of little pieces, then...
Lady, why did you cut it up?
Oh my goodness, you're both much too nervous. Here, Mr. Martin, have a cigarette.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm nervous too. Oh, of course, dear. Here, a nice lollipop.
A lollipop? Lady, this is getting ridiculous. I don't want to play along with this thing, but now you're pressing.
Just because I don't have a birth certificate, you think you can make a fool of me? The idea. A lollipop. You got line?
Now, I'll try to make this easy for you. Let's try a common sense question. Can you tell me why the sun is up during the day and then down again at night and then up during the day again?
Sure, because the lucky old sun has nothing to do.
Run around having a day.
Jerry, that's a stupid answer and you're singing and the people enjoyed it and I'm the singer and you're the comedian. What? Don't do it no more.
Well, I can see there's no use continuing this test. Jerry will have to report to school this afternoon with the other children.
School with the other children? You can't do that to me. I'm a grown-up man. I've lived. I'm a man of the world.
I've traveled. I've hunted game in Africa. I've bagged many an elephant and believe me, it's not easy getting an elephant into a bag.
Oh yes. I've met with the greatest of the world in London. I dine with Flament Atley.
I've met with Ricky Churchill and Big Ben. Big Ben? Yes, there's a real ding-dong daddy.
In Inja, I took a pack train over the Himalayas. You know that's right next to the Huralayas.
And so we say farewell to the strange island known as Jerry Lewis's head. And as his forehead slowly sinks into his hair, we hear a song from me.
How do you like that? I'm a dead pigeon and he's gonna make like a boy.
Love is a flower that blooms so tender. Each kiss a dew drop of sweet surrender.
Love is a moment of life enchanting. Let's take that moment that tonight is granting.
There's no tomorrow when love is new. Now is forever when love is true.
So kiss me and hold me tight. There's no tomorrow. There's just tonight.
But I know that you're the most beautiful of all. I know that you're the one I love.
Oh, so, oh, so love me. Stand from the dead. Stand from the dead.
Well, there's the schoolhouse, Jerry. The child welfare board got its way. According to the law, you got to go to school.
I guess this will split us up. Gee, Dean, as long as we had a split up, why couldn't it have been over a woman?
You know, that's right, Jerry. Why has no woman ever come between us? We stand too close together.
You know, Jerry, I'm going to be very lonesome without you. I'll read the papers, Dean, and follow your career.
It's sure going to be strange seeing the sign over the nightclub appearing here, Martin and nobody.
Ah, let's not talk about it anymore, Jerry. Go on into school.
Look, Dean, I can't go through with this. I can't go into that school. I just can't.
Don't worry, Jerry. I'll have you out of that school in 15 minutes. I'll prove to them that you're not a child.
How?
I'll bring you a wife.
Oh, fine. Get me one at the make company. They're very nice about exchanges.
You're a wife.
Sure, and I'll probably bring you a child, too.
My first day at school and I'm going to have a baby.
But, Dean, look, if...
Jerry, you'll be late for school now. Don't worry. I'll get you out. Go on.
Okay, Dean. Okay. Goodbye. I'll just go into this school room here.
Oh, you must be the new pupil. Won't you come in?
I'm Jerry Lewis and I'm very...
Oh, little Jerry Lewis. Come right in and sit down.
I hope you'll feel at home here in the third grade and if you're a real good boy, you'll get a gold star.
But, teacher, there's something I think you should know. I'm not...
Oh, now don't you worry about the teacher. I love all my little boys and little girls.
And I especially love my little boys.
Now, how old are you?
Six, going on five.
My, you're a big boy for your age, aren't you?
Yeah, I was an only child.
You were?
Yeah, the rest of them were Doberman Pinchers.
Oh, I just love a little boy with a sense of humor.
Now, class, let's begin today's lesson.
Little Jackie Harris, how much is two and two?
Three.
Please, little Jerry. Now, once again. Little Jackie, how much is two and two?
Six.
Now, you listen here, little Jerry Lewis. You interrupt me just once more and I'll have to keep you after school.
You wouldn't like that, would you?
Jerry.
Sorry, teacher, I made a juvenile boo-boo.
Well, you won't get a gold star and I think some disciplinary action is noted.
Disciplinary action? Whatever that means, you said a naughty word, boy.
I came here to learn and try my best to do what's right for fine American lads.
I don't expect to be another Lincoln and I certainly don't want to be a buick with holes in my head.
Just a moment, I did not say a naughty word.
Ho-ho, that's rich.
Now, I'm far from stupid, teacher. I know words when I hear them.
And that was definitely a shun on my character.
Whereas, I'm here to learn, to become something, to make money and more money.
That's what I want to do. I want to make money.
Oh, barrels of money, all kinds of money. I want to have all the money there is.
I'd walk the million miles, I'd walk the million miles.
Jerry, hold, hold.
Jerry, your troubles are over. This ought to get you out of school.
Here's your wife and child.
Jerry, it's me, poor Kent and little Rodney. Say hello to your father, Rodney.
Hello, stupid.
Hey, what's the big idea?
Look, I don't want to leave. I want to stay in school.
But Jerry.
Jerry Lewis, this is terrible. There must be an explanation.
All right, let's have it.
Thank you, ma'am.
Who is this hussy?
This hussy's my teacher, Miss Hussy.
Jerry, now, come on, Kent.
Everybody knows you're not a kid. After all, you've got a wife and child.
But I wanted to stay after school.
Me too. Hey, Pop, can you get a teacher for me?
Oh, this is an impossible situation. I'm re-
Greetings, everyone. It's your old pal, Sophie.
Ah, Aunt Jerry, my boy, your troubles are over.
Here is your wife.
My husband. My husband kissed me, sugar.
Hey, wait a minute.
And as an ant in touch, Jerry, my boy, here.
Oh, no, look. Look, she's a cute little baby, but what's your name?
Max. It's a boy.
Oh, yes.
Just a minute, just a minute. Little Jerry Lewis, who are all these people?
I'm Jerry Lewis's wife.
And I'm Jerry Lewis's wife.
Jerry, Jerry, look at me.
This woman here says she's your wife, and this woman here says she's your wife.
Do you know what you'll get for having two wives?
A gold star?
Where is Mr. Lewis? Where is Mr. Lewis?
Dean, it's the child welfare woman.
Oh, Mr. Lewis, you won't have to continue in school any longer.
We've checked all birth certificates, and there's absolutely no record of you.
As far as we're concerned, you haven't even been born yet.
Jerry, do you hear that? You're not born yet.
What are you going to do?
Nothing. First, I've got to see whether I'll be a boy or a girl.
Oh, good night, everybody.
Good night. We'll see you next week.
The Martin Lewis Show Transcribed in Hollywood is produced by Robert L. Redd and written by Charlie Isaacs, Jack Douglas, and Ben Starr.
Music is arranged and conducted by Dick Stabiel.
Martin Lewis currently may be seen in the Hal Wallace picture, My Friend Irma.
This is Ben Alexander saying good night for the Martin and Lewis Show.
What's on NBC Sunday?
Hollywood Calling has a $26,000 jackpot awaiting someone, maybe you.
So be sure to tune in Hollywood Calling Sunday.
You may talk to George Jessel and crack the Hollywood Calling jackpot, Sunday on NBC.
Tune in for the Dave Galloway Show on NBC.