WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:06.000 It's the Martin and Lewis Show! 00:06.000 --> 00:21.000 The National Broadcasting Company brings you Transcribe from Hollywood, the Martin and Lewis Show. 00:21.000 --> 00:26.000 Featuring Flo McMichael, Sheldon Leonard, Ben Alexander, Dix De Beal and his orchestra. 00:26.000 --> 00:38.000 And starring D. Martin and Jerry Lewis! 00:38.000 --> 00:41.000 Well, we find Dean and Jerry in their apartment. 00:41.000 --> 00:43.000 Dean is separating the morning mail. 00:43.000 --> 00:45.000 He doesn't bother to look at the address. 00:45.000 --> 00:47.000 He just smells the envelope. 00:47.000 --> 00:50.000 If it smells of perfume, it's for him. 00:50.000 --> 00:53.000 If it just smells, it's for Jerry. 00:53.000 --> 00:57.000 He opens one letter, reads a line and then glances fondly into the mirror. 00:57.000 --> 01:00.000 Jerry, Jerry, come here. 01:00.000 --> 01:03.000 I'm busy, Dean. I'm fixing the electric blanket. 01:03.000 --> 01:08.000 What for? I thought the man who came yesterday to fix the television set fixed the electric blanket too. 01:08.000 --> 01:09.000 Well, he got them mixed up. 01:09.000 --> 01:16.000 Last night, every time I turned over, the Goldbergs fell out of bed. 01:16.000 --> 01:20.000 Jerry, don't tell me the blanket worked like a television set. 01:20.000 --> 01:21.000 Yes, it did, Dean. 01:21.000 --> 01:28.000 When I woke up this morning, the two kids from next door were turning my nose, trying to make my face come in clearer. 01:28.000 --> 01:30.000 Jerry, you pulling my leg? 01:30.000 --> 01:37.000 No, you must have your garter hooked to your shorts. 01:37.000 --> 01:40.000 Listen to me now. I want to read a fan letter. 01:40.000 --> 01:43.000 You don't need to read it to me, Dean. I know what it says. 01:43.000 --> 01:50.000 Dear Mr. Martin, you're wonderful. I adore your voice. I dream of you. I sleep with your picture under my pillow. 01:50.000 --> 01:53.000 Jerry, how did you know? 01:53.000 --> 01:59.000 That's how I feel too. 01:59.000 --> 02:04.000 Jerry, I hope you don't mind my getting fan mail. After all, we are partners. 02:04.000 --> 02:09.000 That's right, Dean. Do you remember when we teamed up? I called myself Jerry Lewis Childstar. 02:09.000 --> 02:12.000 Yeah, and I was trying to decide whether to be a singer or a fight announcer. 02:12.000 --> 02:16.000 And to this day, you haven't quite made up your mind. 02:16.000 --> 02:20.000 Remember, Jerry, how when we became partners, we took the oath of allegiance. 02:20.000 --> 02:24.000 I, Dean Martin, take Jerry Lewis to be my lawful partner. 02:24.000 --> 02:33.000 And I, Jerry Lewis, take Dean Martin to be my lawful partner, in sickness or in health, until Milton Berle do us part. 02:33.000 --> 02:38.000 You know, just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes. Jerry, read my mail to me, will you? 02:38.000 --> 02:43.000 All right, Dean. Gee, here's a long envelope. It says from City Hall. 02:43.000 --> 02:47.000 This looks important. It's from the Child Welfare Department. 02:47.000 --> 02:57.000 Dear Mr. Martin, it has come to our attention that you are working in clubs after 10 o'clock at night with your son professionally known as Jerry Lewis. 02:57.000 --> 03:00.000 Oh, they're crazy. You're my son? 03:00.000 --> 03:04.000 Gee, why didn't you tell me, Dad? 03:04.000 --> 03:05.000 I'm not your father. 03:05.000 --> 03:10.000 Come, come, Dad. What did you do with Mother? 03:10.000 --> 03:14.000 Jerry, I'm only six years older than you. How could I possibly be your father? 03:14.000 --> 03:17.000 Your private life is your own, Dad. 03:17.000 --> 03:19.000 Jerry, please. 03:19.000 --> 03:23.000 Let me sit on your knees, Daddy, just once before I turn 24. 03:23.000 --> 03:27.000 Oh, Jerry, stop it. This letter here, it's serious. Look what it says. 03:27.000 --> 03:32.000 You are violating the child labor laws. Kindly bring your son to the Child Welfare Board immediately. 03:32.000 --> 03:37.000 Failure to appear will be met with an injunction closing your nightclub. 03:37.000 --> 03:41.000 Gee, Dad, I mean Dean. That is ruin our act. 03:41.000 --> 03:45.000 We'll just take your birth certificate over there and prove you're over 21. 03:45.000 --> 03:47.000 Have you got a birth certificate? 03:47.000 --> 03:51.000 If I got a birth certificate? If I tell you I have a birth certificate, I have a birth certificate. 03:51.000 --> 03:59.000 Why, everyone who's born has a birth certificate and you got the nerve to ask me if I have a birth certificate. 03:59.000 --> 04:00.000 Have you? 04:00.000 --> 04:03.000 No, no, no. 04:03.000 --> 04:07.000 Now, we're in trouble, Jerry. Let's go to the Child Welfare Office. 04:07.000 --> 04:10.000 Once they see you, then they'll realize you're not a child. 04:10.000 --> 04:12.000 Coming, Daddy. 04:19.000 --> 04:23.000 Now, don't act silly. Now, we're going into the Child Welfare Board. 04:24.000 --> 04:28.000 Gosh, look at all the kids. Just sit over there on the bench. I'll get to you in a moment. 04:28.000 --> 04:30.000 Here, Jerry, sit right here. 04:30.000 --> 04:32.000 Okay. Move over, will you, little boy? 04:32.000 --> 04:33.000 No. 04:33.000 --> 04:34.000 I'd like to sit down. 04:34.000 --> 04:37.000 Well, sit on something soft like your head. 04:45.000 --> 04:48.000 How would you like a poke in the nose? 04:48.000 --> 04:50.000 Oh, Jerry, cut it out. He's only about six years old. 04:50.000 --> 04:52.000 That's the best time to frighten. 04:54.000 --> 04:57.000 Well, okay, pal, sit down. Got a cigarette? 04:59.000 --> 05:01.000 Don't tell me you smoke cigarettes. 05:01.000 --> 05:02.000 No, I chew them. 05:02.000 --> 05:03.000 Chew them? 05:03.000 --> 05:05.000 Do you like to chew? 05:05.000 --> 05:07.000 No, I like to spit. 05:11.000 --> 05:13.000 Tell me, little boy, why are you here? 05:13.000 --> 05:16.000 I put butterflies in the teacher's desk. 05:16.000 --> 05:19.000 Well, that isn't so terrible, putting butterflies in the desk. 05:19.000 --> 05:21.000 Well, I made them myself. 05:21.000 --> 05:23.000 Huh? How do you make butterflies? 05:23.000 --> 05:31.000 Out of butter and flies. 05:35.000 --> 05:38.000 So, uh, so that's why they brought you up here, huh? 05:38.000 --> 05:41.000 No, the teacher asked me to rub out the blackboards. 05:41.000 --> 05:42.000 What happened? 05:42.000 --> 05:47.000 I rubbed out the teacher instead. 05:47.000 --> 05:51.000 Oh, Arthur, Arthur, you can go now, but be back tomorrow morning. 05:51.000 --> 05:54.000 All right, Miss Hotchkiss, goodbye. 06:02.000 --> 06:04.000 And now what can I do for you? 06:04.000 --> 06:05.000 Well, I'm Dean Martin. 06:05.000 --> 06:08.000 Oh, yes, Mr. Martin, and this must be your little son. 06:08.000 --> 06:10.000 Who is he, Daddy? 06:10.000 --> 06:12.000 Oh, shut up. 06:12.000 --> 06:16.000 Don't talk to your child that way. You'll probably beat him, too. 06:16.000 --> 06:19.000 Oh, Daddy doesn't beat me, but he's always wearing my clothes. 06:19.000 --> 06:27.000 It started with my first pair of long diapers. 06:27.000 --> 06:31.000 Mr. Martin, what is your excuse for violating the child labor laws? 06:31.000 --> 06:33.000 He isn't a child. He's 23 years old. 06:33.000 --> 06:37.000 That's right, Miss Hotchkiss. 06:37.000 --> 06:39.000 Well, we can settle this in a minute. 06:39.000 --> 06:40.000 Show me your birth certificate. 06:40.000 --> 06:41.000 I don't have any. 06:41.000 --> 06:45.000 Well, how is that possible? Your parents must have reported your birth. 06:45.000 --> 06:52.000 No, my father didn't think I was a child. 06:52.000 --> 06:55.000 I don't believe your story, and since you don't have a certificate, 06:55.000 --> 06:59.000 the Child Wealth Air Board will determine if you're old enough to work in the nightclub. 06:59.000 --> 07:03.000 Report tomorrow for a mental test. 07:03.000 --> 07:05.000 Oh, Jerry, what's the matter? 07:05.000 --> 07:10.000 I don't want anyone testing my mental. 07:10.000 --> 07:16.000 No, Jerry, don't be silly. You'll be able to pass the test. Look, I'll calm you down by singing a song, huh? 07:16.000 --> 07:19.000 All right, Dean. Ladies and gentlemen, Dean Martin will now sing 07:19.000 --> 07:27.000 Just One of Those Things from the picture of the same name that was never made. 07:27.000 --> 07:32.000 Well, it was just one of those things 07:32.000 --> 07:36.000 Just one of those crazy flames 07:36.000 --> 07:40.000 One of those bells and nouns and rings 07:40.000 --> 07:43.000 Just one of those things 07:43.000 --> 07:48.000 Well, it was just one of those nights 07:48.000 --> 07:52.000 Just one of those fabulous flights 07:52.000 --> 07:57.000 A trip to the moon on gossamer wings 07:57.000 --> 08:00.000 Just one of those things 08:00.000 --> 08:08.000 If we thought a bit of the end of it when we started painting the town 08:08.000 --> 08:17.000 We'd have been aware that our love affair was too hot not to cool down 08:17.000 --> 08:21.000 Goodbye, dear and old man 08:21.000 --> 08:25.000 Here's hoping we meet none then 08:25.000 --> 08:32.000 It was great fun but it was just one of those things 08:32.000 --> 08:35.000 Just One of Those Things 08:35.000 --> 08:47.000 Applause 08:47.000 --> 08:52.000 Well, another day is done, beautiful and clear, but sticking out in it like a sore thumb is Jerry Lewis 08:52.000 --> 08:55.000 who is about to leave with Dean for his mental test. 08:55.000 --> 08:57.000 Jerry, we'd better go to the city hall soon. 08:57.000 --> 08:59.000 Now, don't worry about your mental test. 08:59.000 --> 09:02.000 We'll easily prove you're not my son, so stop being so nervous. 09:02.000 --> 09:08.000 Who's nervous, Bing? 09:08.000 --> 09:09.000 Bing, I'm not Crosby. 09:09.000 --> 09:14.000 I know. Maybe that's why we don't have a sponsor. 09:14.000 --> 09:17.000 You know, maybe you should have had this test a long time ago. 09:17.000 --> 09:20.000 Gee, Dean, I don't know what I'll do if I flunk it. 09:20.000 --> 09:23.000 They'll make me go to school and we'll be separated. 09:23.000 --> 09:24.000 I don't want to leave you. 09:24.000 --> 09:28.000 You're my pal, my partner, my buddy. 09:28.000 --> 09:31.000 You owe me money. 09:31.000 --> 09:35.000 Hello, boys. 09:35.000 --> 09:38.000 Hello, Sir Beat. 09:38.000 --> 09:42.000 Pardon me for not knocking, gentlemen, but I noticed that your door was ajar. 09:42.000 --> 09:45.000 Really? I thought it was a door. 09:45.000 --> 09:52.000 Don't you get it, Dean? 09:52.000 --> 09:54.000 Sophie said the door was ajar. 09:54.000 --> 09:57.000 So quick as a flash, I said, no, the door ain't ajar. 09:57.000 --> 10:01.000 It's a door, meaning that the door he thought was ajar. 10:01.000 --> 10:03.000 That's impossible, see? 10:03.000 --> 10:08.000 So I said the door was ajar, and the same thing was for the jar being ajar. 10:08.000 --> 10:15.000 And it's like, look how they're staring at me. 10:15.000 --> 10:18.000 What seems to be the trouble, boys? Jerry here seems put-tied. 10:18.000 --> 10:22.000 You see, Sophie, the child welfare board claims Jerry's a child, 10:22.000 --> 10:25.000 and they want to give him a mental test. 10:25.000 --> 10:27.000 A mental test? Well, there's nothing to worry about, kid. 10:27.000 --> 10:32.000 All that they do is just give you one of them IOU tests. 10:32.000 --> 10:34.000 No, you mean IQ tests. 10:34.000 --> 10:37.000 No, I don't. I mean IOU. 10:37.000 --> 10:44.000 I took one of them once after the test. I owed them some points. 10:44.000 --> 10:47.000 I know, I know how you can prove that you are a man. 10:47.000 --> 10:53.000 See, when you walk in to take the test, you come in reading a copy of Esquire magazine. 10:53.000 --> 10:56.000 By reading Esquire, I won't prove I'm not a kid. 10:56.000 --> 11:05.000 Well, you might be a kid when you start reading it, but brother, by the time you are true, you are a man. 11:05.000 --> 11:08.000 Jerry, it's time we left for the city hall. Come on. 11:08.000 --> 11:12.000 Yeah, now don't worry, boys. I've got an idea that I think will get you out of this predicament. 11:12.000 --> 11:17.000 Now, I will see you later, but in the meantime, Jerry, keep a stiff upper lip. 11:17.000 --> 11:19.000 Well, no use delaying it any longer, Jerry. 11:19.000 --> 11:23.000 Let's go on over to the child welfare board so you can take your mental test. 11:23.000 --> 11:26.000 I'm worried, Dean. If I don't pass the test, it'll break up our team. 11:26.000 --> 11:30.000 Well, stop worrying, Jerry. This is kind of exciting. 11:30.000 --> 11:35.000 I haven't had so much fun since the time I sat on that Perry Como record. 11:48.000 --> 11:52.000 Hello? Yes, this is the United States Immigration Department. 11:52.000 --> 11:55.000 No, I'm sorry, we don't handle that. Bye. 11:55.000 --> 12:00.000 You know, since we moved in here yesterday, this place is attracting all the screwballs. 12:00.000 --> 12:04.000 This morning, 20 people came in thinking this joint was still the child welfare board. 12:04.000 --> 12:08.000 Yeah, that's right. Say, on your way out to lunch, will you see what's holding up those sign painters? 12:08.000 --> 12:12.000 I want them to scrape off that child welfare sign and put up immigration office. 12:12.000 --> 12:17.000 Okay, George. Oh, say, here's the file on two Italian boys who are coming in. 12:17.000 --> 12:22.000 Giuseppe Tortoni and Pasquale Spomoni. 12:22.000 --> 12:27.000 Now, look, if they don't pass their citizenship test today, cancel their visas, will you, and ship them back to Italy? 12:27.000 --> 12:30.000 Yeah, so long. Right. 12:30.000 --> 12:32.000 This is the right place, Jerry. 12:32.000 --> 12:37.000 I guess these are the men. They look nervous. Try to make them feel at home. 12:37.000 --> 12:39.000 Good morning, boys. 12:44.000 --> 12:48.000 Come in and have a deshita. 12:48.000 --> 12:51.000 Just relax it, everything will be all right. 12:51.000 --> 12:54.000 Hey, Mike, you for real? 12:58.000 --> 13:00.000 What do you know? It talks. 13:00.000 --> 13:02.000 You're Tortoni and Spomoni? 13:02.000 --> 13:05.000 No, I'm Vanella. My partner's Tutti Frutti. 13:11.000 --> 13:16.000 Hmm. That's strange. You men speak English very well. When did you leave Italy? 13:16.000 --> 13:21.000 Italy? I've never been to Italy. 13:21.000 --> 13:24.000 Nothing's funny here. What's your name? 13:24.000 --> 13:26.000 I'm Dean Martin, but my real name is Paul Corsetti. 13:26.000 --> 13:28.000 Paul Corsetti. And then you? 13:28.000 --> 13:39.000 Oh, I'm Jerry Lewis, but my real name is Gerardo Minestrone, Pisa La Zagna, Cacciatore, Ara Gosta Rivoli, but my friends call me Auntie Pasty. 13:39.000 --> 13:42.000 Hey, mister, come on, let's get on with the exam, huh? 13:42.000 --> 13:45.000 Yeah, I'm anxious to prove to you that I am not a young boy. 13:45.000 --> 13:51.000 Gentlemen, I'm in no mood to fool around. You, sir, will you please tell me what you know about the first ten amendments? 13:51.000 --> 13:53.000 Everybody knows that. They're called the Bill of Rights. 13:53.000 --> 13:54.000 Very good. 13:54.000 --> 13:55.000 Sure, figures. 13:55.000 --> 13:56.000 And now you. 14:01.000 --> 14:03.000 Now you. What about the other amendments? 14:03.000 --> 14:06.000 Oh, everybody knows that. They're called the Bill of Left. 14:06.000 --> 14:15.000 Uh, pardon me, but were there any sane members in your family? 14:15.000 --> 14:19.000 Not just a minute, mister. I don't like your attitude. 14:19.000 --> 14:24.000 Well, is that so? I'm canceling your visas. No tooty fruity can talk to me like that. 14:24.000 --> 14:30.000 Tooty fruity? Eh, ma faccia brut, stupido, non a cavar dos, che mi sei. E ne lagavate. 14:30.000 --> 14:32.000 What does all that mean? 14:32.000 --> 14:39.000 It means Sidney Greensby should fall on you. 14:39.000 --> 14:46.000 You know, this is a strange way you fellas have of trying to prove Jerry is under 21. Fine way to run a child welfare board. 14:46.000 --> 14:49.000 Child welfare board? And you're Americans? 14:49.000 --> 14:54.000 Of course we're Americans. Why, I voted in every election since 1903. 14:54.000 --> 14:58.000 1903? Why, you weren't even born then. How could you have voted? 14:58.000 --> 15:05.000 I mailed in my ballot. 15:05.000 --> 15:10.000 Lucky I learned this. I was ready to deport you to Italy. Who are you anyway? 15:10.000 --> 15:17.000 Oh, we're Martin and Lewis, radio comedians. And you'll be seeing us in pictures and in television for years and years and years and years. 15:17.000 --> 15:20.000 Excuse me. Where are you going? 15:20.000 --> 15:31.000 Going to deport myself to Italy. 15:31.000 --> 15:36.000 Now Jerry, before we go into the welfare office, remember our partnership is at stake. 15:36.000 --> 15:41.000 Now if you fail this test, Martin and Lewis will fold up. Come on, let's go in. 15:41.000 --> 15:47.000 Well, Mr. Martin, I'm glad you've arrived. Now Jerry, if you'll sit right here, I'll ask you a few questions. 15:47.000 --> 15:58.000 Okay. First, your full name. Jerry Lewis. Height? 5'11". Race? Only when I'm wearing sneakers. 15:58.000 --> 16:02.000 Lady, please don't let what Jerry says influence you. 16:02.000 --> 16:09.000 Now Jerry, here's a speed test. I have here a number of pieces of a portrait, which I have cut up, and I want you to put the pieces back together again. 16:09.000 --> 16:14.000 Okay. What will it be when I put them together? A picture of Rita Hayworth in a bathing suit. 16:14.000 --> 16:22.000 Oh, when you had such a nice thing, why did you cut it up? 16:22.000 --> 16:32.000 Jerry, will you please stop asking silly questions? If the lady wants to cut up a picture of Rita Hayworth in a bathing suit into a lot of little pieces, then... 16:32.000 --> 16:36.000 Lady, why did you cut it up? 16:36.000 --> 16:40.000 Oh my goodness, you're both much too nervous. Here, Mr. Martin, have a cigarette. 16:40.000 --> 16:41.000 Thank you. 16:41.000 --> 16:46.000 Oh, I'm nervous too. Oh, of course, dear. Here, a nice lollipop. 16:46.000 --> 16:52.000 A lollipop? Lady, this is getting ridiculous. I don't want to play along with this thing, but now you're pressing. 16:52.000 --> 17:03.000 Just because I don't have a birth certificate, you think you can make a fool of me? The idea. A lollipop. You got line? 17:03.000 --> 17:13.000 Now, I'll try to make this easy for you. Let's try a common sense question. Can you tell me why the sun is up during the day and then down again at night and then up during the day again? 17:13.000 --> 17:17.000 Sure, because the lucky old sun has nothing to do. 17:17.000 --> 17:27.000 Run around having a day. 17:27.000 --> 17:37.000 Jerry, that's a stupid answer and you're singing and the people enjoyed it and I'm the singer and you're the comedian. What? Don't do it no more. 17:37.000 --> 17:43.000 Well, I can see there's no use continuing this test. Jerry will have to report to school this afternoon with the other children. 17:43.000 --> 17:50.000 School with the other children? You can't do that to me. I'm a grown-up man. I've lived. I'm a man of the world. 17:50.000 --> 18:04.000 I've traveled. I've hunted game in Africa. I've bagged many an elephant and believe me, it's not easy getting an elephant into a bag. 18:04.000 --> 18:13.000 Oh yes. I've met with the greatest of the world in London. I dine with Flament Atley. 18:13.000 --> 18:24.000 I've met with Ricky Churchill and Big Ben. Big Ben? Yes, there's a real ding-dong daddy. 18:24.000 --> 18:36.000 In Inja, I took a pack train over the Himalayas. You know that's right next to the Huralayas. 18:36.000 --> 18:45.000 And so we say farewell to the strange island known as Jerry Lewis's head. And as his forehead slowly sinks into his hair, we hear a song from me. 18:45.000 --> 19:02.000 How do you like that? I'm a dead pigeon and he's gonna make like a boy. 19:02.000 --> 19:20.000 Love is a flower that blooms so tender. Each kiss a dew drop of sweet surrender. 19:20.000 --> 19:44.000 Love is a moment of life enchanting. Let's take that moment that tonight is granting. 19:44.000 --> 20:11.000 There's no tomorrow when love is new. Now is forever when love is true. 20:14.000 --> 20:41.000 So kiss me and hold me tight. There's no tomorrow. There's just tonight. 20:41.000 --> 21:06.000 But I know that you're the most beautiful of all. I know that you're the one I love. 21:06.000 --> 21:35.000 Oh, so, oh, so love me. Stand from the dead. Stand from the dead. 21:36.000 --> 22:04.000 Well, there's the schoolhouse, Jerry. The child welfare board got its way. According to the law, you got to go to school. 22:04.000 --> 22:11.000 I guess this will split us up. Gee, Dean, as long as we had a split up, why couldn't it have been over a woman? 22:11.000 --> 22:21.000 You know, that's right, Jerry. Why has no woman ever come between us? We stand too close together. 22:21.000 --> 22:27.000 You know, Jerry, I'm going to be very lonesome without you. I'll read the papers, Dean, and follow your career. 22:27.000 --> 22:34.000 It's sure going to be strange seeing the sign over the nightclub appearing here, Martin and nobody. 22:34.000 --> 22:37.000 Ah, let's not talk about it anymore, Jerry. Go on into school. 22:37.000 --> 22:41.000 Look, Dean, I can't go through with this. I can't go into that school. I just can't. 22:41.000 --> 22:46.000 Don't worry, Jerry. I'll have you out of that school in 15 minutes. I'll prove to them that you're not a child. 22:46.000 --> 22:47.000 How? 22:47.000 --> 22:49.000 I'll bring you a wife. 22:49.000 --> 22:56.000 Oh, fine. Get me one at the make company. They're very nice about exchanges. 22:56.000 --> 22:58.000 You're a wife. 22:58.000 --> 23:01.000 Sure, and I'll probably bring you a child, too. 23:01.000 --> 23:05.000 My first day at school and I'm going to have a baby. 23:05.000 --> 23:07.000 But, Dean, look, if... 23:07.000 --> 23:11.000 Jerry, you'll be late for school now. Don't worry. I'll get you out. Go on. 23:11.000 --> 23:16.000 Okay, Dean. Okay. Goodbye. I'll just go into this school room here. 23:16.000 --> 23:21.000 Oh, you must be the new pupil. Won't you come in? 23:21.000 --> 23:27.000 I'm Jerry Lewis and I'm very... 23:27.000 --> 23:32.000 Oh, little Jerry Lewis. Come right in and sit down. 23:32.000 --> 23:40.000 I hope you'll feel at home here in the third grade and if you're a real good boy, you'll get a gold star. 23:40.000 --> 23:43.000 But, teacher, there's something I think you should know. I'm not... 23:43.000 --> 23:49.000 Oh, now don't you worry about the teacher. I love all my little boys and little girls. 23:49.000 --> 23:53.000 And I especially love my little boys. 23:53.000 --> 23:55.000 Now, how old are you? 23:55.000 --> 24:01.000 Six, going on five. 24:01.000 --> 24:04.000 My, you're a big boy for your age, aren't you? 24:04.000 --> 24:07.000 Yeah, I was an only child. 24:07.000 --> 24:08.000 You were? 24:08.000 --> 24:15.000 Yeah, the rest of them were Doberman Pinchers. 24:15.000 --> 24:18.000 Oh, I just love a little boy with a sense of humor. 24:18.000 --> 24:24.000 Now, class, let's begin today's lesson. 24:24.000 --> 24:27.000 Little Jackie Harris, how much is two and two? 24:27.000 --> 24:29.000 Three. 24:29.000 --> 24:34.000 Please, little Jerry. Now, once again. Little Jackie, how much is two and two? 24:34.000 --> 24:37.000 Six. 24:37.000 --> 24:44.000 Now, you listen here, little Jerry Lewis. You interrupt me just once more and I'll have to keep you after school. 24:44.000 --> 24:58.000 You wouldn't like that, would you? 24:58.000 --> 24:59.000 Jerry. 24:59.000 --> 25:03.000 Sorry, teacher, I made a juvenile boo-boo. 25:03.000 --> 25:09.000 Well, you won't get a gold star and I think some disciplinary action is noted. 25:09.000 --> 25:13.000 Disciplinary action? Whatever that means, you said a naughty word, boy. 25:13.000 --> 25:17.000 I came here to learn and try my best to do what's right for fine American lads. 25:17.000 --> 25:25.000 I don't expect to be another Lincoln and I certainly don't want to be a buick with holes in my head. 25:25.000 --> 25:28.000 Just a moment, I did not say a naughty word. 25:28.000 --> 25:34.000 Ho-ho, that's rich. 25:34.000 --> 25:38.000 Now, I'm far from stupid, teacher. I know words when I hear them. 25:38.000 --> 25:40.000 And that was definitely a shun on my character. 25:40.000 --> 25:44.000 Whereas, I'm here to learn, to become something, to make money and more money. 25:44.000 --> 25:46.000 That's what I want to do. I want to make money. 25:46.000 --> 25:49.000 Oh, barrels of money, all kinds of money. I want to have all the money there is. 25:49.000 --> 26:03.000 I'd walk the million miles, I'd walk the million miles. 26:03.000 --> 26:05.000 Jerry, hold, hold. 26:05.000 --> 26:09.000 Jerry, your troubles are over. This ought to get you out of school. 26:09.000 --> 26:11.000 Here's your wife and child. 26:11.000 --> 26:18.000 Jerry, it's me, poor Kent and little Rodney. Say hello to your father, Rodney. 26:18.000 --> 26:26.000 Hello, stupid. 26:26.000 --> 26:27.000 Hey, what's the big idea? 26:27.000 --> 26:29.000 Look, I don't want to leave. I want to stay in school. 26:29.000 --> 26:30.000 But Jerry. 26:30.000 --> 26:35.000 Jerry Lewis, this is terrible. There must be an explanation. 26:35.000 --> 26:37.000 All right, let's have it. 26:37.000 --> 26:39.000 Thank you, ma'am. 26:39.000 --> 26:40.000 Who is this hussy? 26:40.000 --> 26:44.000 This hussy's my teacher, Miss Hussy. 26:44.000 --> 26:47.000 Jerry, now, come on, Kent. 26:47.000 --> 26:51.000 Everybody knows you're not a kid. After all, you've got a wife and child. 26:51.000 --> 26:53.000 But I wanted to stay after school. 26:53.000 --> 26:59.000 Me too. Hey, Pop, can you get a teacher for me? 26:59.000 --> 27:02.000 Oh, this is an impossible situation. I'm re- 27:02.000 --> 27:04.000 Greetings, everyone. It's your old pal, Sophie. 27:04.000 --> 27:07.000 Ah, Aunt Jerry, my boy, your troubles are over. 27:07.000 --> 27:10.000 Here is your wife. 27:10.000 --> 27:18.000 My husband. My husband kissed me, sugar. 27:18.000 --> 27:20.000 Hey, wait a minute. 27:20.000 --> 27:24.000 And as an ant in touch, Jerry, my boy, here. 27:24.000 --> 27:30.000 Oh, no, look. Look, she's a cute little baby, but what's your name? 27:30.000 --> 27:33.000 Max. It's a boy. 27:33.000 --> 27:38.000 Oh, yes. 27:38.000 --> 27:42.000 Just a minute, just a minute. Little Jerry Lewis, who are all these people? 27:42.000 --> 27:44.000 I'm Jerry Lewis's wife. 27:44.000 --> 27:46.000 And I'm Jerry Lewis's wife. 27:46.000 --> 27:51.000 Jerry, Jerry, look at me. 27:51.000 --> 27:55.000 This woman here says she's your wife, and this woman here says she's your wife. 27:55.000 --> 27:58.000 Do you know what you'll get for having two wives? 27:58.000 --> 28:06.000 A gold star? 28:06.000 --> 28:09.000 Where is Mr. Lewis? Where is Mr. Lewis? 28:09.000 --> 28:11.000 Dean, it's the child welfare woman. 28:11.000 --> 28:15.000 Oh, Mr. Lewis, you won't have to continue in school any longer. 28:15.000 --> 28:19.000 We've checked all birth certificates, and there's absolutely no record of you. 28:19.000 --> 28:23.000 As far as we're concerned, you haven't even been born yet. 28:23.000 --> 28:26.000 Jerry, do you hear that? You're not born yet. 28:26.000 --> 28:28.000 What are you going to do? 28:28.000 --> 28:32.000 Nothing. First, I've got to see whether I'll be a boy or a girl. 28:32.000 --> 28:34.000 Oh, good night, everybody. 28:34.000 --> 28:36.000 Good night. We'll see you next week. 28:36.000 --> 28:57.000 The Martin Lewis Show Transcribed in Hollywood is produced by Robert L. Redd and written by Charlie Isaacs, Jack Douglas, and Ben Starr. 28:57.000 --> 29:00.000 Music is arranged and conducted by Dick Stabiel. 29:00.000 --> 29:05.000 Martin Lewis currently may be seen in the Hal Wallace picture, My Friend Irma. 29:05.000 --> 29:10.000 This is Ben Alexander saying good night for the Martin and Lewis Show. 29:10.000 --> 29:12.000 What's on NBC Sunday? 29:12.000 --> 29:16.000 Hollywood Calling has a $26,000 jackpot awaiting someone, maybe you. 29:16.000 --> 29:19.000 So be sure to tune in Hollywood Calling Sunday. 29:19.000 --> 29:24.000 You may talk to George Jessel and crack the Hollywood Calling jackpot, Sunday on NBC. 29:24.000 --> 29:35.000 Tune in for the Dave Galloway Show on NBC.