It's the Martin and Lewis show.
The National Broadcasting Company brings you transcribed from Chicago, the Martin and Lewis
show featuring Sheldon Leonard, Flo McMichael, Dick's to be in his orchestra and starring
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.
Dean and Jerry are in Chicago.
Right now we find them on their first day off from personal appearances at the Chez
Feree getting some relaxation by strolling down Chicago's Michigan Boulevard.
Chicago, Chicago, that tunneling town.
Hey Jerry, you've been very quiet since we got to Chicago.
Is something wrong?
No, Dean, it's just that I'm still embarrassed about what happened when we arrived at the
airport.
I don't remember anything unusual except that the American Airlines stewardess refused
to carry my bags.
What happened to you?
Well, as the plane landed, the stewardess said, unfasten safety belts.
I ain't fastened the wrong belt and got off the plane without my family.
You know Jerry, come to think of it, I did notice something strange but then I decided
you were wearing chartreuse knickers.
Well, I was told I dressed warmly for Chicago.
Besides, I...
Dean, look out!
Gee, that cab driver ought to have his eyes examined.
He missed us.
Well, he didn't miss us by much.
You know, for a moment I thought I was back in Los Angeles.
Los Angeles.
That's a place where old Chicago cab drivers go to die.
Well, from now on Jerry, we don't cross Michigan Boulevard.
You're right.
We'll walk around and swim in from Canada.
You know Jerry, it's good to have a day off from the club so we can walk around and see
Chicago.
You know, it's a very historical town Jerry.
Remember the story about Mrs. O'Leary's cow?
No.
Oh, sure you do.
The cow that started the fire.
And you know what happened.
The cow burned the candles at both ends.
No Jerry, it started the great Chicago fire.
Really?
Well, people shouldn't let a cow smoke in bed.
Jerry, I'm amazed at you.
You're 23 years old now.
Do you know what's going to become of you?
Yeah, I'm going to become 24.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
You see, you said what is going to become of you?
So instead of saying I might become a doctor or a lawyer, I just said I'm going to become
24.
Because I'm 23 years old now, see?
And then if a year passes by that makes me 24.
That's what I'm going to become.
So it's all in the line of a joke.
That's why I said it, see?
And I thought you'd laugh at me, didn't you?
See, but it was a gag and I wish I was dead.
Ah, come on.
Let's go back to the hotel Jerry.
We ought to think of something to do on our day off.
Dean, look at those girls coming around the corner of that building.
Oh, now I know why they call this the Windy City.
All right Jerry, come on, let's go.
Stop staring.
I'm not staring, Dean.
I wouldn't think of staring.
Dean, do all girls carry $10 bills in their garden?
Why hello, fellas.
I've been looking for you.
Why, Sophie, how did you get to Chicago?
Why home by train, of course.
I rode on the rads beneath the observation car.
Beneath the observation car, well Sophie, you don't have to travel like that.
Oh yeah, yeah I do.
You do, huh?
My doctor said I should always be under observation.
You told your joke, you may now return to Los Angeles.
Hey look, listen, I got something that is very important to discuss with you fellas.
This is an idea that will mean just a little bit of work for you, but a lot of money for
me.
Hey, Sophie, you're always trying to make money off us.
Now don't be silly, boys.
I am your friend.
I am as honest as the day is long.
Dean, notice how short the days are this time of year.
What proposition have you got for us this time, Sophie?
I'll tell you, I want to be your agent.
I will get you a job and you guys will get 75% and I will get 50%.
Now come on, wait a minute now.
That adds up to 125%.
How can it be?
Don't let anybody tell you there's no inflation.
He's right.
He's right about inflation, Dean.
Now just the other day, I noticed that Pickle Pig's feet went from 22 cents a pound to 34
cents a pound, including a slight charge for Pickle Pig's feet wearing spats.
Now, if the market continues to rise, it will affect every man, woman, and pig in America.
End of the day, we'll come mock my work when it will be impossible, impossible to talk
a pig into getting Pickle.
No, Jan, there's something in what you say, but I haven't got time to find it.
Well, tell me boys, am I your agent?
I sold you to a resort hotel in Turkey Run.
Okay, Sophie, where do we go?
You go out to Turkey Run, there is a hotel out there and it's called Manahakal Maya's
Indian Retreat.
Do we see Manahakal Maya?
Well, no, you don't.
Manahakal Maya is really Joe Schlo.
Now there's one little thing that I better tell you.
You see, they don't know that you are entertainers.
I got you a maintenance job, which is supposed to you go around killing bugs.
Killing bugs?
Uh-huh.
What kind of a job is that?
I'm afraid of bugs.
Even a little mosquito frightens me.
Why does a mosquito frighten you?
Well, you see, I haven't been too well.
Well, fellas, look, will you please, will you do it for my sake?
Jerry, what do you say we do it for kicks?
Now, how do we get to this place?
We'll drive.
I borrowed the hotel manager's car.
He loaned you his car?
Yeah, it's a Hudson.
The only car you step up to is the one that's in the back of the car.
I'm afraid of bugs.
What kind of a job is that?
I'm afraid of bugs.
Even a little mosquito frightens me.
Why does a mosquito frighten you?
Well, you see, I haven't been too well.
Jerry, what do you say we do it for kicks?
I'm afraid of bugs.
Oh, hello.
What did you say?
Man, you're either crazy or there's a misunderstanding here.
Now, wait a minute, mister.
There must be something wrong.
Aren't we supposed to be hired for spraying bugs?
Bugs?
Oh, for goodness sake, I was talking about children.
Well, if you insist, we'll spray them too.
One moment, please.
Oh, Mr. Schlump.
Yes, what is it?
Uh, where Martin and Lois Saltly Lanner sent us over.
Oh, yes, yes, I see now.
Well, we'd better put you right to work on the bugs.
If it's all the same to you, we'd rather entertain than kill bugs.
Entertain?
Yeah, we work in night clubs.
Dean sings.
Hmm, do you sing well?
Hmm, quite well.
Like a bird?
Even better, like Frosby.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride in one horse open sleigh.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride in one horse open sleigh.
Dashing through the snow in one horse open sleigh.
All the fields we go laughing all the way.
Bells and bobtail ring making spirits bright.
What fun it is to ride and sing the sleighing song tonight.
Here in Chicago the snow is snowing snow.
The wind is blow blow up the streets of Chicago.
Back in Hollywood the sun is shining good.
You take the sun, we'll take the snow.
There's dough in Chicago.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride in one horse open sleigh.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride in one horse open sleigh.
Well, that was pretty good, Martin.
I want you to sing that song three times a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner.
As I think that you are...
Hey, Mr. Schlumpf, I demand that you cancel my reservation at your hotel.
No, let's not be hasty, Mrs. Van Loop.
When I came here and brought my wealthy friends,
you told me my daughter Daisy Esther would meet some important eligible bachelors.
Well, didn't I introduce her to Count von Broheim?
Yes, but who ever heard of the Empire of Cicero?
Oh!
I'm taking her away from this place immediately.
Now, that's a shame, Mrs. Van Loop,
especially when two new guests have arrived from Hollywood.
This is Martin and Lewis, famous movie producers.
Play along with me, boys, there's a hundred bucks apiece in this for you.
Martin and Lewis, Martin and Lewis.
Now, where have I seen your faces before?
Probably in front of our heads.
Laughter
You know, actually, Mrs. Van Loop, we're a little bit of everything.
Producers, actors, world travelers.
Oh, how exciting!
You gentlemen aren't married.
Oh, no we're not.
No, we thought it might be better if we each had a girl.
Laughter
It just seems that we've met somewhere.
Oh, perhaps we bumped into each other on the continent.
Don't you just love your hits?
Personally, I like slits.
Laughter
It's fortunate that your daughter is here at the same time as Mr. Martin and Mr. Lewis and Mrs. Van Loop.
I know she's interested in the stage and movies.
You see, these gentlemen are very well known producers.
Really?
Yeah, really.
Yes, Jerry and I produce quite a few good pictures.
Oh, yes, you must have seen Everybody Does It.
Oh, yes, I have. Did you produce that?
No, but we're making another picture just like Everybody Does It.
It's about a bashful young man and it's called I Didn't.
Laughter
I'm beginning to wonder if you two really are as famous as you're making out.
You doubt it?
Why, I can pick up that phone right this minute and call any star in Hollywood.
Go ahead, I don't believe you.
I'll show you. Dean, quick, get on the extension in the next room.
Okay, Jer.
Laughter
Now, where's Mr. Martin going?
Oh, well, you see, Dean is a singer and every day at this time he has his throat sprayed with DDT.
Is DDT good for his voice?
No, but pity the poor moth that flies in when Dean's got his mouth open.
Laughter
Mr. Lewis, what about that phone call you were going to make?
Sure, Mrs. Van Luke.
Who do you want me to call? Just name any star. Any star.
Well?
Clark Abel, fine.
Hello, operator. I want to talk with Clark Abel in Hollywood.
Hello, big ears.
This is J.L. A friend of mine wants to talk with you.
Here's the phone, Mrs. Van Luke.
Oh, my. Hello, Mr. Gable. This certainly is a pleasure.
Hello, baby.
Laughter
How are things in Hollywood?
Hello, baby.
I enjoyed your last picture.
Hello, baby.
Well, that's enough, Mrs. Van Luke.
But you hardly let me talk. Clark has a beautiful voice.
I know, but his vocabulary is pretty limited.
Laughter
I say, Mr. Lewis, you couldn't connect me with Charles Boyer, could you?
Why, of course he can.
If you say so.
Hello, operator. Get me Charles Boyer in Hollywood at the Beverly Wilshire.
If he isn't there, try the Beverly Cosby.
Laughter
Hello, Chuck. Jerry. I'm in Chicago. The Ambassador East.
The Pump Room. Wee. Pump Room.
After dinner, they pump your wallet.
Laughter
Wee-wee. Chuck.
A friend of mine wants to talk with you.
Okay, Mrs. Van Luke.
Hello, Mr. Boyer. How are you?
It's a pleasure to talk with you. Since when have you been in the cinema?
Hello, baby.
Laughter
Sounds just like Clark Gable.
Sure. Gable and Boyer talk the same because they both have the same English coach.
Who?
Sam Goldwyn.
Laughter
Let's not bother Mr. Boyer anymore. So long, Chuck. I'll be seeing you.
And when I do, remind us to work on some new impersonations.
Well, Mrs. Van Luke, do you still want to cancel your reservation?
Heavens no, Mr. Schlumpf. I'd like very much to have my daughter Daisy Esther meet these two charming chaps.
May I borrow them for a while?
Of course you can borrow them. Keep them as long as you want.
But you better return us after two weeks or it'll cost you two cents a day.
Laughter
Oh, you dear boy. Goodbye, Mr. Schlumpf. Come on, boys.
Coming, Mrs. Van Luke.
Laughter
Really, I'm so thrilled, you know. It's wonderful that Daisy Esther's going to meet you wonderful boys.
You know, I left her somewhere in the lobby. Oh, yes, there she is. Oh, Daisy Esther. Here, dear.
She's a little thin, isn't she?
No, only from the front and the side.
Laughter
Mrs. Van Luke, aren't you afraid to let her walk out in the street?
Oh, why should I be?
Somebody's liable to slap a stamp on her and mail her.
Laughter
Hello, dear. Daisy Esther, say hello to Mr. Martin and Mr. Lewis.
Hello, Daisy Esther.
Heh. Hello.
Laughter
What takes you so long to say hello?
I get pushed from over exercising.
Well, what did you do that was so strenuous?
I walked across the room.
Laughter
Why should that tire you?
The wind was against me.
Laughter
Is that all you have to say to these eligible gentlemen, dear?
I accept.
You accept what?
Laughter
Whatever you want to ask me. You see, I don't go out much.
Oh, Daisy Esther's only joking.
Why, every boy in town's trying to put a ring on her finger.
So what happens? The ring keeps slipping up her arm?
Laughter
I like you.
Why? Because I'm handsome?
No, because you're skinny like me.
Laughter
Skinny? That's a lie. I am not skinny. I'm big. Full chested.
And I'm... I'm... I'm a Samson.
I'm so strong, many of the time I've picked up trees with my bare hands.
Sometimes I even pick up the shoes.
Laughter
No, Jerry, that's enough already.
Me Tarzan, you Dean. Me Tarzan, you Dean.
Laughter
Me Dean, me think you nuts.
Laughter
Oh, Daisy, isn't it wonderful?
And you'll be happy to learn that he and Mr. Martin are famous producers.
Oh, how super. You know, I'm going to be a great actress someday.
Is that right, Daisy Esther?
Yes. Everybody says I have a... I have a lot of fire.
Laughter
Don't look now, but I think you're out of lighter fluid.
Laughter
I'd certainly be willing to spend a lot of money if Daisy Esther could get a good part in a play.
How nice.
Laughter
I'd spend even more for a husband.
I said I'd spend even more for a husband for my beautiful, talented, glamorous daughter.
What do you say?
Are you for real?
Laughter
Ah, just a minute, Jerry. Come on.
Look, Jerry, be nice to this spook here.
Her old lady has a lot of money and might make us rich, you know.
I might invest in a new nightclub under the management of Martin and Lewis if Daisy could star in her own play.
Shake hands with Eugene O. Lewis.
This is Van Luke. Last month I wrote a play that would be perfect for Daisy Esther, which we could put on for the guests tonight.
Oh, how peachy-kino.
Laughter
What's the name of the play?
Oh, it's called, um, it's called, oh, I'm sorry, Daisy Esther, but it's not polite to talk when Dean is singing.
Well, but Mr. Martin isn't singing.
Wanna bet?
Laughter
Sing, Dean.
Music
Don't cry, Joe. Let her go, let her go, let her go.
You've got to realize this is the wind up. You're gonna feel much better once you've made your mind up.
Don't cry, Joe. Let her go, let her go, let her go.
Music
Let her go, let her go, let her go.
You've got to realize this is the wind up. You're gonna feel much better once you've made your mind up.
Don't cry, Joe. Let her go, let her go, let her go.
Just find another love and let her go.
Applause
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we are going to have some unusual entertainment here at Mother Hocklmeyer's Indian Retreat.
Mr. Jerry Lewis and Mr. Dean Martin will present a new play.
Now, here is the author, Jerome Lewis.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the story of the eternal triangle of a man and his wife and another man,
where the towels are marked his, hers, and he never should have rented the room.
Laughter
Now we present Love in Darkest Africa.
Mr. Lewis, what part do I play?
Oh, yes, Daisy. You play the part of a woman.
Oh, I'll try to live up to it.
And Dean, you're the other man. We're both in love with this creature. Dean, boy, here's your part.
This story is all about diamond mines and you played a part of one of the drivers.
Here's your part. Love in Darkest Africa.
Africa, the dark continent.
Africa, the home of the famous Kimberly diamond mines.
Africa with its great white princesses.
I'm a great white princess.
Get out of here.
The Kimberly diamond mine was the richest diamond mine in the world and the diamonds were jealously guarded.
Even so, every once in a while, somebody would try to steal one, but it was no use.
Ah!
The thief was always caught and if he wasn't dead already, they would give him 30 lashes.
One Z, two Z, three Z, four Z.
And now our story begins.
Ladies and gentlemen, we take you to Darkest Africa and the Kimberly diamond mines.
My name is Jim Kimberly. I own diamond mines.
I love old precious diamonds, but there is something I love that's even more precious than diamonds and older too.
My wife, Nellie.
I'm his wife, Nellie. He thinks I'm faithful to him, but I ain't.
Yes, sir. My wife, Nellie, is my proudest possession.
Order at a fire sale down in Cape Town.
I ain't in love with Jim Kimberly. I'm in love with Rod Marvin, the foreman.
I'm nuts about Rod.
Rod loves me madly, violently, passionately.
He is what I call a hot rod.
Well, I love you, Nellie, and I have a plan. A plan to kill your husband and seize control over the diamond mine.
But how will you kill my husband? He's so suspicious.
If you stabbed him with a knife, he'd suspect that something was up.
Oh, you child, you dear precious child.
I'll simply use voodoo on your husband and he'll waste away to nothing.
He'll lose several pounds each day until he weighs nothing. You see if I'm right.
A few months later, I came into the house and found my husband writing in his diary.
Monday, December 8th.
Dear diary, today I only weigh two pounds.
My doctor says it's nothing serious.
He says I should have more iron.
The doctor says that the only thing that will help me is more iron.
Tuesday, December 9th.
Ate my erector set.
Wednesday, December 10th.
Can't seem to keep a thing on my stomach.
Thursday, December 11th.
And playing with my erector set again.
Friday, December 12th.
Fish day.
I have to be careful. Last Friday a fish almost ate me.
Hello Jim darling. Writing in your diary?
Oh hello Nellie dear.
Darling you're working so hard. You must rest.
It was only last week when the cannibals captured you and tried to cook you.
Yeah. Lucky for me they were a poor tribe that didn't have a pot.
I'll get it.
Ungabungalinga, Mutan, Rastogob, Ikawap, Og, Rublang, Ava Gardner.
Who was that?
Nellie with calling.
I just want another elephant.
Gosh my keychain is getting so bulky.
Well I must leave now. There's a little trouble at the mine.
What kind of trouble?
Some of the diamonds are coming up stamp. We'll work.
I'll be right back dear.
Oh Rod it's you.
Yeah darling I've come to whisk you away. We can't wait any longer.
Come on out the window. Me first.
Now you.
Now we're alone at last.
Who was that?
It's me Dean. I'm on the wrong page.
Aha! But now that I'm here I want to know what's going on.
Rod and I are leaving.
And don't try to stop us. I've got a 45 in my hand.
That doesn't scare me. I've got a water pistol.
Well I'm firing.
How do you expect to kill me with a water pistol?
The water will take the curl out of your hair and you'll die of pericomo.
It's no use Jim. Rod and I are going to be married.
Married? But Nellie you're already married to me. I'm your two pound husband.
We're going to take care of that Jerome Kimberly.
No you're not. You see what I have in my hand? A poison dart gun. It's aimed right at your heart Rod Marvin.
No! Don't blow smoke.
You can't stop me. Here goes. The dart is in the blow gun.
I raise the gun in my lips. I fill my chest with air.
Well the poor fool he inhaled the dart.
Wait. He's trying to say something. Let's hear his last words. Jim what are you trying to say?
I made a boo boo.
Oh no. Come on Jerry. Good night everybody. See you next week folks. Bye. Love and good night.
The Martin & Lewis Show Transcribed in Chicago is produced by Robert L. Redd and is written by Charlie Isaacs, Jack Douglas and Ben Starr.
The music is arranged and conducted by Dick Stabeel. Next week our guest will be Georgie Jessel.
Martin & Lewis are currently appearing in Chicago at the Chez Paris. This is Charles Martin saying good night for the Martin & Lewis Show.
What's on NBC tonight? A new personality has joined the NBC Parade of Stars. None other than lovely Mindy Carson.
Here the most refreshing young singing star of the year when Mindy Carson sings tonight on NBC.
Stay tuned for the Dave Garroway Show on NBC.