Transcribed.
From Hollywood, we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Brought to you by Aniston, for fast relief from pain of headache, ureitis and uralgia.
And by Chesterfield, the cigarette that gives you something new, something no other cigarette has.
Chesterfield's mildness, plus no unpleasant aftertaste.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce our master of ceremonies.
Good evening, folks. This is Dean Martin.
Applause.
I'd like to welcome you to our show. We'd like you to sit back and spend the next 30 minutes with us.
We're going to sing some songs that we hope you'll enjoy.
You'll hear the skylarks, and we present a guest now and then.
By the way, our guest tonight is the lovely and talented Miss Dina Shor.
Besides, you'll also hear from my undernourished partner, Jerry Lewis.
And if he's a little late tonight, folks, please forgive him.
You see, he's getting a haircut, and it takes a little longer than the ordinary haircut.
He gets his cut from the inside.
And I'm almost sure that you'll know when he gets here.
That's if his dulcetone-type voice is in shape.
And speaking of voice, I'd like to see how mine's doing by singing a song I kind of think will be the number one tune real soon.
So with the aid of my pizza partner, Dick Stabille, here is Bella Bella Bimba.
Beautiful, beautiful Bimba, beautiful Bimba, beautiful Bimba, beautiful Bimba, beautiful Bimba, beautiful Bimba, beautiful...
Birds always sing, bells always ring, whether it's summer or winter or spring.
Be like the birds, just add the words, sing this happy song.
Be like the beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Look everywhere, love's in the air.
Dance through the life where the devil may kill.
Look in your heart, then you will start to sing this happy song.
Look after me in the hands of those with little space in their hearts, and who hold them back.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen.
Now it becomes my pleasure to...
Now call me Bella Bella Beanbar, Bella Beanbar.
Now call me Bella Bella Bimber, Bella Bimber.
Hey!
What's with the hey?
What's with the hey?
Hey, what is it?
Now you don't come out here screaming like that.
You should know better.
I just wanted to come out here and meet everybody.
Alright, say hello to the radio audience and then beat it.
Boys, I should be nicer to the audience and I gotta beat them.
Look, I'll come out again but I don't like just walking out cold.
I want you to introduce me like I mean something, like a big celebrity.
Oh, alright Jerry, I'll do that for you.
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Jerry Lewis.
You didn't strain yourself.
This is an introduction.
You said my name like it didn't have no capital letters.
You don't like me.
Oh, yeah, of course I like you but I'm the MC.
You take your cues from me.
When I say come out, you come out.
And when I say wait, you wait.
I don't like it like that.
I want it to be like always where I come right out at the beginning and I say, good evening
ladies and gentlemen, how are you all?
Easy, easy, easy.
How are you all?
What is that?
That's the way I talk.
You shouldn't scream like that, Jerry.
What scream?
Where do you hear screaming?
Who's screaming?
This is how I talk.
Remember me?
This is your partner Jerry, your cohort and pal.
Well, you don't seem to get to drift Jerry.
This is your partner Jerry, your cohort and pal.
Well, you don't seem to get to drift Jerry.
This is going to be a pleasant, easygoing show.
There's no room for your obstreperous type of humor.
Wow.
When did you sneak this in here?
I don't know when they snuck it in but better might scream in language like that.
Well, Jerry, we'll argue about this after the show.
Now you run along like a nice little boy.
I got a show to do here.
I got a show in here.
We've got a show to do, buddy.
Keep that in mind.
We have to talk it out and make plans.
Look, you meet Bert at the airport, I'll see Fred and take that cottage in Roanoke.
You tell Pat to bring the potato salad and we can toast the pie a place with the hot
bread.
Oh come Dean, I just can't wait to make the plans.
Oh, you mean we should confer, coordinate our respective conjectures and lounge our itinerary
accordingly.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I mean, we should confer, coordinate our respective conjectures and lounge our itinerary accordingly.
Yeah, we gotta...
You had a birthday, they gave you a book.
What about getting on the other side, Dean?
What kind of a show should we do?
Well, I think we should...
I think we should head into the more cultural aspects of the American scene.
See, I'd like to have guests that can contribute something.
Interviews with important people from the world of sports.
Hey, that's terrific.
The world of sports.
Gee, I'd love to be a sports figure.
That's nice.
All righty.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have with us tonight one of the greatest wrestlers of all time,
a big giant of a man, considered to be one of the most attractive wrestlers since Gorgeous
George.
And here he is now, Beautiful Ben.
How are you, Beautiful?
I'm lovely.
I'm lovely.
I'm engaged.
I use A-Jack.
I know.
I don't mean to hurt your feelings, Beautiful, but I hear that some folks think you're not
as attractive as Gorgeous George.
It's the most ridiculous thing I've heard in my whole life.
It's absolutely ridiculous.
This morning I woke up, I looked in the mirror, I said, mirror, mirror, on the wall.
Who is the fairest on the wall?
And the mirror said to me, you, Beautiful.
You're beautiful.
There's no fooling with that mirror, buddy.
I see what the mirror means.
You do have nice features.
Nice features?
They're exquisite.
I'm beautiful.
You can't fool with the mirror.
Tell me, Ben, what was your toughest match?
It was Buffalo's spring of 29.
I was wrestling a young fella named Ten Ton Timothy.
You know what they called him for short?
Ten Ton Tim.
Oh, you were there?
No.
But anyway, Tim won the first two falls.
I was groggy, see.
He had me in the headlock.
Then he got me in a flying budge and threw me to the back.
How'd you get out of it?
All of a sudden, I picked up two Ton Tim, twirled him in the air, and slammed him to
the back.
Oh, I see you got your second win.
No, I got the signal.
The match was fixed.
You can't mean that some matches aren't on the up and up.
Oh, boy, you're a young one, aren't you?
You know, Ben, with all the grueling business you go through in the ring, it's a wonder
you managed to keep your senses.
Tough to believe I can be so intelligent, huh?
You know what they say about beauty of brains?
No, what do they say about beauty of brains?
What do they say about beauty of brains?
Well, what do they say?
I don't know.
You're supposed to be the best of genius.
Well, beautiful Ben, our time is up now.
It sure has been nice seeing you.
Sure, it's always nice to see me.
I'm lovely to look at.
Nobody fools with the mirror.
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You know, every once in a while a song comes along that sort of tickles your fancy.
Then when you just about have it where you want it, another good tune pops up and you're
off again.
Well, we've got one like that.
So before saying goodbye to my fancy, supposing I just sing it for you now.
Ricardo.
Why did I tell you I was going to Shanghai?
I want to be with you tonight.
Why did I hum when I was going to Shanghai?
I want to be with you tonight.
It was just a little misunderstanding that a kiss on the cheek could patch.
I need you so badly, I'd gladly start all over from scratch.
Oh, why did I tell you it was bye-bye for Shanghai?
I'm even allergic to rice.
Why don't you stop me when I talk about Shanghai?
It's just a love of the vines.
Who's gonna kiss me and who's gonna thrill me?
Who's gonna hold me tight?
I'll ride around the corner in a phone booth and I want to be with you tonight.
Thank you very much.
Hollywood has more than its share of glamourous and talented women, but to Jerry and me, none
of them come better equipped in both departments than the lovely Dinah Shore.
Hi Dinah.
Hi Dean.
You know something Dinah, looking at you makes a guy run kind of short of adjectives.
Oh, I'm beautiful.
You can't fool that burlap boy.
Now seriously Dinah, you do look mighty fetching.
Matter of fact, I have a friend who's just Dinah meet you.
Really?
What's he like?
Well, he's tall and handsome.
Hmm, sounds real George.
Montgomery.
Sorry Dinah, I forgot.
You're pretty much a one-man woman, huh?
Well, you may not believe this Dean, but my one man is Dad.
You mean?
Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy.
Well shut my mouth, the lady sneaking the music cue.
I used to fall in love with all those boys who call on young cuties.
But now I find I'm more inclined to keep my mind on my duties.
For since I came to care for such a sweet millionaire.
While tearing off a game of golf, I may make a date with the caddy.
But that's a pose for my baby nose that my heart belongs to Daddy.
When some good scout invites me out to dine on some fine thin and hattie.
My baby sure his love is secure, cause my heart belongs to Daddy.
Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy, so I really couldn't be bad.
Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy.
So I want to warn you laddy, though I think you're perfectly swell.
That my heart belongs to Daddy, cause my daddy, he treats it so well.
Oh, giant, that was mighty pretty.
Thank you Dean.
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Ladies and gentlemen, no doubt many of you have seen and were thrilled by that wonderful motion picture,
A Streetcar Named Desire.
But for those of you who have not seen it,
our thoughtful stars have prepared their own version of this very stirring drama.
At this time, Anderson and Chesterfield Cigarettes are proud to present Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Dinah Shore in...
A Streetcar Named Max.
The scene, a shabby little streetcar in New Orleans.
The characters...
My name is Stanley, I am the motorman on the streetcar.
My name is Blanche, I am a passenger on the streetcar.
My name is Max, I'm the streetcar.
So what are you laughing at, Reddy? You think it's easy being a streetcar?
Uh oh, here comes Stanley, that motorman.
That dirty pedal push, I hate him.
Go easy on the clutch, good gracious, no wonder I have an ulcer.
Hey, there's my girl Blanche, waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Sure looks pretty today. Let's go, streetcar.
The hell, I get nauseous.
Oh, the pain.
Hi Blanche, wanna go for a ride?
Gosh Stanley, I don't have a dime.
Oh, don't worry baby, you can owe me.
Gee Stanley, that's real swell of you.
You're so kind and generous and you're always so considerate and nice.
Sorry, forget it.
I just never know how to thank you enough because you do all these things that nobody else would ever think.
Get in the car.
Alright Blanche, it's alright.
This is the nicest thing that ever happened to me.
Alright!
Let's go sit around the bench instead. Come on, we'll hold hands.
Coax me.
Hold hands, I bet they're gonna smooch.
Gee, she's so nice. I love her. Even if she is a girl.
I wish, I wish.
Ah, what's the use? Dad doesn't approve of mixed marriages.
He's too proud. I'm gonna sneak over there real quiet and see what they're doing.
They won't make a sound.
Darn, that Fred I told them that five in one oil just doesn't do a thing for me.
Hey, he's putting his arm around her.
Take your filthy hand, Draught Pop.
Who was that?
It's me, Max.
Max? But you're a streetcar.
No, you're a streetcar.
Hey, Stanley, the streetcar talks.
Why not? I'm entitled.
You know something, he's cute.
Cute? By that big tub of steel.
Yeah, well you should see me when I die. People think I'm a Nash Airflight.
Alright, well I'll get back on the track before I strip your gears.
Here, don't you get familiar.
Hey, Stanley, let him stay.
Now you're talking, baby. I was about to kiss.
Gee, I don't know. I never kissed a streetcar before.
Aw, come on. It's no different than kissing a truck.
Now listen, Max, you shouldn't be talking like that. You're a streetcar.
No, you're a streetcar.
You shouldn't be messing around with girls.
Why even look at them? Why think of kissing them?
Why must you torture yourself this way?
I like it. I like it.
Stanley, I'm ashamed of you. Max only wants to be friendly.
Now if you can't be nice, for heaven's sake, go. Beat it. Scram. Get out of here. Go.
Okay, I can take a hint.
How long is left?
Kiss me, my femal, female.
Blanche, marry me and I'll be the happiest streetcar in the world.
You want to marry me?
I beg you, I'm Bender's bender.
I can see us now, just the two of us, and in a year, a little hot broad.
Oh, I don't know. Me, Blanche Dubois, married to a streetcar.
What would people say?
Well, run away when no one will know us.
Oh, but they're bound to find out. You're so big and you clang,
and your paint is peeling, and your doors are squeaking.
They're sure to find out. How can we stop it?
I'll change my name.
Well, you threw necking with this overgrown perambulator.
Please, you're speaking to the streetcar.
And we're being married.
Come on, Stanley, you can be the best man.
Well, aboard, kids. This ride is on me.
Clang, clang, clang, I'm a trolley.
Clang, clang, clang, I'm his bride.
Clang, clang, clang, he's the winner.
And I've just come aboard for the ride.
His gorgeous brakes, his handsome wheels.
Whoever thought you'd think a wheel had sex appeal.
I got one thing that can't be beat.
Oh, ever so I human with a levitating.
Clang, I'm a trolley.
No, I'm a trolley.
Clang, clang, clang, I'm your guy.
Clang, clang, clang, you'll be sorry.
Oh, I know how you feel, you can louse up your steel.
Boy, she's mine.
To the end of the line.
Applause.
Well, friends, this is the spot in our show for reminiscing.
I'd like to sort of go back a few years and tell you something I always think about every time I hear a certain song.
It was the spring of 1932 and I was working at the steel mill in my hometown of Steubenville, Ohio.
It seemed like work was all there was to do.
Oh, once in a while I would go to Youngstown with the fellas to see a show, but that was all there was to think about outside of work.
So one day I was on my lunch hour and I met a girl who worked as a secretary at the mill.
I don't think we spoke for more than a minute.
But when I got home I was sure I had a crush because I did something I very rarely do.
I passed up Mom's ravioli.
The following night I walked past the girl's house and there she was sitting on the front porch with two or three of the guys from the mill.
Of course I felt a little outcast, but she asked me to join the group, which I did.
It felt like days before the fellas left, but they finally did.
Then we were alone.
I didn't know what to talk about, so I looked at her and I sang.
If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy
Nothing else would matter in the world today We would go on loving in the same old way
A garden of Eden just made for two With nothing to mark our joy
I would say such wonderful things to you There would be such wonderful things to do
If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy
I would say such wonderful things to you There would be such wonderful things to do
If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy
I would say such wonderful things to you There would be such wonderful things to do
If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy
I would say such wonderful things to you There would be such wonderful things to do
If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy
I would say such wonderful things to you There would be such wonderful things to do
If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy
I would say such wonderful things to you There would be such wonderful things to do
If you were the only girl in the world and I was the only boy