From Hollywood, we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Brought to you by Chesterfield, the cigarette that gives you something new, something no
other cigarette has. Chesterfield mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste. By
Anison for faster relief from pain of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia. And by
Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor. And Chicklets, the candy coated gum with
a flavor that won't chew up. And now ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great
pleasure to introduce our master of ceremony. Hi folks, this is Dean Martin.
Well, another Friday has rolled around which means another visit to your living
room or automobile or wherever you're listening to the radio. And lots of
things have happened since our last show. NBC picked up a third sponsor for us and
the Animal Rescue League picked up my bullheaded partner. But this is one time
I can't blame Jerry. It was my fault for letting him out without his leash. Well
while he's being bailed out, I guess I'll turn up my coat collar for the cool,
cool, cool of the evening.
Tell them I'll be there. When the cool, cool, cool of the evening. Better save a chair. When the party's getting the glow on.
Singing fills the air. In the shank of the night. When the dooms are right.
Tell them I'll be there.
We said the bumblebee, let's have the jubilee. When said the prairie hensoon.
Sure said the dinosaur, where said the grizzly bear. Under the light of the moon.
How about you, brother jackass. Everyone gaily cries. Is you coming to the
fracas. Over his speck's side.
When the cool, cool, cool of the evening. Tell them I'll be there.
When the cool, cool, cool of the evening. Slick them on my hair. When the party's getting the glow on.
Singing fills the air. In the shank of the night. When the dooms are right. Tell them I'll be there.
If you find the right sock by eleven o'clock. Tell them I'll be there.
If you need a new face or a tenderer face. Tell them I'll be there.
If I climb out of bed, put a hat on my head. Tell them I'll be there.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Now it becomes my...
In the cool, cool, cool of the roundhouse.
Well, well, well I'll be down if it isn't my old friend Jerry Lewis.
Well, well, I'll be down if it isn't my old friend...
What were you expecting, Cooke LaFran and Ivy?
Oh, easy boy. Now don't get sore about it.
Well, I'm sick of walking out here cold every week. When you come on Jimmy Wellington says...
And here he is, your Mr. Samoyed.
Well, I want a nice introduction too.
You want an introduction?
Yeah, I'm sick of those outerductions.
Alright, Jerry, I'll give you just the introduction you want. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Jerry Lewis...
You didn't strain yourself.
This is an introduction. You said my name like you didn't believe it.
I happen to be half of this act, buddy. It's D. Martin and Jerry Lewis, not D. Martin and thin air.
Now, Jerry, why are you so hard to get along with?
I'm not hard to get along with. You can ask anybody. Go ahead, ask anybody.
Alright, who shall I start with?
Well, I'm the closest.
Jerry, we have no time for this. Now tell me, who's our first guest tonight?
Well, last week I read about a little 13 year old kid who graduated from Har...Har...Har...Harvard.
Har...Harvard.
We invited him to join us in our show, Dean, but he couldn't come because he's a genius.
So I thought maybe I could take his place, you know, talk for him.
Alrighty. Ladies and gentlemen, we're proud to have with us tonight one of the foremost minds of this generation.
Only 13 years old and a true genius. Here he is, Dr. Noel Dabney.
Well, Noel, it certainly is a privilege to shake your hand.
Here now, don't you go shaking hands. You should know that spreads disease.
It does?
Sure, you see, the germs gather in the little gullies in the palm of your hand.
Right. They jump from gully to gully.
Now when certain germs meet, they form a cataclysmic explosion.
Look, Noel, let's not shake hands.
Well, I'm glad you understand. Let's just kiss.
Dabney!
No, how does it feel to be a genius at 13?
Well, I was saying to Einstein only yesterday...
Albert Einstein?
No, Hermann Einstein.
Hermann Einstein?
He's my cousin.
Well, Noel, I know you've made many contributions to the world of science.
Now, what is your latest discovery?
I just discovered hydrated dehyd... I just discovered...
You just discovered the script, if you ask me.
That was a good answer.
Yes, it was.
Well, I just discovered dehydrated water.
Dehydrated water. Now, what's that?
It's nothing but a little white powder.
Then how can you drink it?
Simple. Just add seltzer.
Oh, you know, I understand you're also a genius at surgery.
Oh, would you like to hear about my latest operation?
I sure would.
It was an emergency case, see.
Oh.
I go to the patient prepared for surgery with nothing but a pin eye.
I cut open the lower bivalve, went under the upper tibia,
and with a sharp thrust, I severed the larbus perpens.
Then zip, twist, switch cut and wipe,
I bandaged him and set him on his way.
Boy, lucky you were there.
What was wrong with the guy?
He had a cold.
Oh.
Say, I haven't...
Say, I haven't been feeling too well lately.
Maybe you can give me some advice.
Okay, now open your mouth.
Mm-hmm, that's good.
Good heavens!
What's the matter?
Your tongue is wet.
Is this bad?
Did you ever hear of Rodney's disease?
Well, what's Rodney's disease?
Ask Rodney, he's got it.
Well, actually, it starts with a wet tongue
and follows through with hardening of the nostrils.
Oh.
Hardening of the nostrils?
Do you know that some patients sneeze pebbles?
Really?
Bart McClain had a cold and stoned his best friend to death.
Oh, get out of here.
Oh, no, you get out.
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Today.
You know, when a fellow sings a few songs on radio every week, it isn't long before everyone
he knows is saying, I have a song you ought to sing.
Well, the other day my barber finally hit me with a tune.
And when this character wields his razor, I'll sing anything.
But luckily his suggestion happens to be one of my favorites.
So for Rudy and all the boys around the red and white pole, let's try a little solitaire.
It's your play, Ricardo.
To remind me that I'm all alone just playing solitaire.
Love was just another game for two.
And I see now that's it all meant to you.
And my heart got lost somewhere in the shuffle.
Now I'm all alone just playing solitaire.
In each romance there's an element of chance.
A gamble to win or to lose.
You play to win, then you find you're playing in.
A game with no rules, just made for fools.
Now the joker has the liar on me.
Cause I played my hand so carelessly.
And until you want to share that old feeling,
I'll be dealing time away with solitaire.
And until you want to share that old feeling,
I'll be dealing time away with solitaire.
Thank you, thank you folks.
I think you've done such nice listening to me.
I'd like to ask you to listen to Jimmy Wallington.
Thank you, Dean.
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Music
Ladies and gentlemen, our loyalty is equally divided
between radio and television.
But tonight I really wish this were a television program
so you could all share the pleasure of gazing
at our very beautiful guest, Ms. Arlene Dahl.
Applause
Thank you, Dean.
I suppose you get most of those lovely words
from that partner of yours, hmm?
You mean Jerry?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, did you pick the wrong boy?
Laughter
Oh, I don't know.
I just read what Joan Crawford picked him
as one of the ten most attractive men in Hollywood.
Laughter
And I just die in comedians.
You haven't lived till you do.
Laughter
Hey, I just got a wow!
Laughter
Jerry, calm down and say hello to Arlene Dahl.
Grrr.
Laughter
Eee-hoo!
Sippity-doo-dah!
Arlene, there you have it.
My partner, Jerry Lewis.
Wow!
Laughter
Dean, this woman is just mad about me.
Laughter
Well, I kind of hate to break up this budding romance,
but Arlene happens to be married.
Arlene, don't tell me you're married.
Why, yes, of course.
Didn't you know?
I never dreamed you belonged to another.
Easy, boy.
Laughter
Easy, boy, dumb boy.
Now, no need to get so upset about it.
Don't forget, you're married, too.
Dean, how many times do I have to tell you
that's different?
Laughter
You better be careful, Jerry.
You don't know who Arlene married.
I do, too.
She married a man named Guy.
Guy's?
Sure, Guy's and Dahl.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, I'm not well at all.
Laughter
As a matter of fact, Jerry,
I married to Lex Barker.
You mean the guy who plays Tarzan in the movie?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, the pain.
Laughter
Don't worry, Jerry.
Lex wouldn't harm a fly.
But I'm a man.
Laughter
Come on, let's not start that argument again.
Laughter
Yeah, well, Arlene,
we're getting on the other side.
I sure wish I was the guy who played Tarzan in the movie.
You know, that would be something.
Me married to Jerry Lewis
and Jerry playing Tarzan.
Things sure would be different.
Drumming
Laughter
Ha ha ha!
And now we take you to the wildest,
most uncivilized part of the world,
Beverly Hill.
Laughter
To the home of that magnificent brute,
the king of the jungle,
the man who can terrify the mightiest beast
with his blood-curdling cry...
Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Tarzan!
Drumming
Laughter
Tarzan, Tarzan, where are you?
Stop with the yelling. I get migraines.
Laughter
Thank goodness I brought my anisone.
Laughter
Tarzan, you climb up here immediately.
You can't talk that way to the king of the jungle.
Besides, I'm scared.
Laughter
What's the matter now?
There's a grasshopper down here
and he's staring at you.
Laughter
Big, brave Tarzan,
afraid of a little grasshopper.
Well, he's got a rock in his hand.
Laughter
Oh, come on up here.
I can't see why we have to live in a tree.
Well, it's studio policy.
If you're going to play Tarzan,
then you've got to live like Tarzan.
I'm sick and I'm tired of all the climbing.
I don't know which is worse, the nose or the nosebleed?
Laughter
Oh, Tarzan, there's a man on his way over here to interview you.
Now, you better change into your leopard skin.
I can't. My leopard skin has spots on it.
Laughter
All leopard skins have spots.
From matzo balls soup?
Laughter
Oh, here he is.
Better hurry up and change.
And remember, you must stay in character.
I should have listened to Dad.
He wanted me to be a drunk.
Laughter
Well, my name is Martin.
I'm from Flicker Fans Magazine.
Oh, hello.
Won't you come in?
My, you have a lovely home here.
Laughter
Do you have to water it often?
Laughter
Oh, once or twice a week.
Well, I can't wait to meet your husband.
Must be a wonderful life married to a hero like Tarzan.
Hey, Aline, do you see my shoulder pads?
Tarzan!
Laughter
Tarzan!
Uh, uh.
Ah!
Me, Tarzan, you, Aline.
Oh, yes.
Laughter
My name's Martin.
Huh?
My name's Martin.
Ma-tin.
My...
Tint!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Wow! Imagine the trouble
he'd have with my old name?
Ha ha ha ha ha!
We friends!
We rub noses!
Imagine the trouble
he'd have with your old nose!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Tarzan, I wonder if you'd do me a great favor?
Tarzan, very short, till next payday.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
How'd like a sample of that famous
movie yell of yours?
Tarzan have two yells.
Ah ah ah ah ah ah!
And...
Ah ah ah ah ah ah!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Do you use both in the movies?
First one from movies,
second one from guests.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Well, uh...
If you don't mind, I'd like to ask
a few pertinent questions to satisfy the
curiosity of the millions of fans.
Sure, I'd be glad to answer your questions. I'm at your disposal.
Fine, now tell me Tarzan...
Hey, wait a minute, you speak as well as I do.
Tarzan, you're a phony.
No, look what you've done. You're ruined!
I don't care, I'm sick of this whole mess. Mr. Martin, I'm no more
Jungle King than you are.
I'm not like you, Tarzan of the Apes.
You ever seen my family?
Ha ha ha ha ha!
I am an Uncle Fred in Cleveland.
I don't mind telling you.
Tarzan, listen to me, Tarz.
You're all washed up.
I'm exposing you in my magazine.
Oh, you can't do that. Tarzan belongs to the world.
Maybe he used to belong to the world,
but he's nobody's Tarzan now.
This is the happiest moment of my life.
He's
nobody's Tarzan now.
Nobody's Tarzan now.
He's all washed up
as you can see.
No self-respecting ape
will talk to me.
It won't swing down the avenue.
I just can't believe
that it's true.
No more sailing
through the breeze.
And no more bad days
from climbing trees.
It all seems wrong
somehow.
That he's nobody's Tarzan now.
Got no more muscles.
He's nobody's Tarzan now.
Well, it certainly makes Jerry and me happy
that we found ourselves a third sponsor
joining our fun every Friday night.
And it's a real pleasure to welcome
Dentine and Chicklets, isn't it, Jimmy Wallington?
It certainly is, Dean.
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Funny thing about songs,
you sing a number while it remains
popular, and when it falls out of
favor, it goes right into the limbo of forgotten
melodies. But the guy that sings,
it never forgets it. Somehow,
when you sing a load of songs over the years,
your brain becomes sort of a musical filing
cabinet, with hundreds of songs
gathering dust. And when you're searching
for an old favorite, you just open the file,
blow off the dust, and there it is.
Just the way you remembered it.
I picked this one out of my memory file the other night.
Brushed it off real carefully, and
found it just as good as new. And I see
where a lot of the boys and girls in my business
feel the same way, because this
song's really making a happy comeback.
Richard, if you please.
I need your
love so badly
I need your love so badly
I love you
so madly
But I
don't stand
the ghost
of a chance
with you
I thought at last
I found you
I thought at last
I found you
What are their loves
around you
And I
don't stand
the ghost
of a chance
with you
If you surrender
Just for a tender
kiss or two
You might discover
That I'm a lover
meant for you
And I'd be true
But what's the good
of scheming
I know I must
be dreaming
For I
don't stand
the ghost
of a chance
with you
But what's the good
of scheming
I know I must
be dreaming
For I
don't stand
the ghost
of a chance
with you
Hey Dean, that was really pretty.
Ah, glad you like it, Jack.
Oh, fellas, do you mind if I say good night now?
Good night, Arlene, and thanks very much
for dropping in. Good night, Dean, and
and Jerry, I still
think you're adorable.
You do? Mmm, I
certainly do.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ah!
Oh, quiet, Tarzan.
Good night, Arlene. Good night, Arlene. Good night,
Bella.
And so, friends, until we meet again, this is
Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis saying, don't forget, we
appear on radio through the courtesy of Hal
Wallace Productions, producers of our
newest picture, Sailor Beware, which
will have its world premiere in 635
theaters throughout the country on New
Year's Eve. We hope you'll look for it.
Until then, good night, folks. Good night, everybody.
Hollywood, you have just heard transcribed
the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show, written
by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear, produced
and directed by Dick Mack, with music under the
direction of Dick Stabiel. Brought to you by
Chesterfield, which brings you the greatest line of
a talented radio and television history.
Fred Allen, Arthur Godfrey, Bob
Hoping, Crosby, Jerry Lester, Perry Como,
and Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.
By Anison, for fast relief from pain of headache,
bureitis, and neuralgia. And by
Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
And Chicklets, the candy-coated gum
with a flavor that won't chew out.
Here Duffy's Tavern with Archie on NBC.