Transcribed.
From Hollywood, we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Brought to you by Chesterfield.
Sound off for Chesterfield.
Get something new.
Something no other cigarette has.
Chesterfield's mildness plus no unpleasant acetate.
By Anison for fast relief from pain of headaches, neuritis, and neuralgia.
And by Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
And Chiclet, the candy coated gum with a flavor that won't chew out.
And now ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce our master of
ceremony.
Hi folks, this is Dean Martin.
Well another Friday has rolled around and all hands are on deck for our weekly voyage
across the airwaves.
This show is Lucky Seven on our current series for Anison, Chesterfield, and Dentine.
And it's really a pleasure to be associated with these great products.
Jerry should be along any minute now, but he's been a little upset.
You see his dog had pups yesterday.
Nine little springers.
Now ordinarily Jerry could take that in his stride, but he doesn't quite understand it.
You see his dog's name is Arthur.
Well anyway until man's second best friend gets here, I'd like to turn Hill Valley and
do one of my latest recordings entitled, Take That Night Train To Memphis.
Take that night train to Memphis, take that night train to Memphis.
And when you arrive at the station, I'll be right there to meet you, I'll be right there
to greet you.
So don't turn down my invitation.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
I'll be shouting hallelujah all day.
Oh we'll have a jubilee down in Memphis, Tennessee.
And I'll shout hallelujah all day.
Oh man.
Take that night train to Memphis, take that night train to Memphis.
And when you arrive at the station, I'll be right there to meet you, I'll be right there
to greet you.
So don't turn down my invitation.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
I'll be shouting hallelujah all day.
Oh we'll have a jubilee down in Memphis, Tennessee.
And I'll shout hallelujah all day.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
I'm going to take the day coach to Memphis.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Pardon me boy.
Is that Shannukachoochoo?
Track 22.
It's Jerry.
Jerry.
Jerry.
What's with the Jerry, Jerry, Jerry?
I'm not triplets.
Triplets?
I'm not even sure your mother had one child.
Are you listening here, Dean?
I'm tired of you picking on me. I'm gonna tell you what.
Go ahead, I'm all ears.
Well, you should have had them clipped when they did your nose.
Oh, there you go.
There you go with your insults again.
You always hurt me, Jerry. You want to irritate me.
You go out of your way to aggravate me.
Tell the truth, aren't I a rascal?
I'll tell you what, you're loud, coarse, vulgar and uncouth.
So that's why Frank and Ava didn't invite me to the wedding.
Now, let's stop this arguing. I want to have a serious talk.
Speak up, I'm all ears.
You should have had them off when you clipped your head.
Now you're starting again. All right, Dean Martin, from now on I'm getting tough.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
He had lived, I don't know where I am.
Well, it doesn't matter. It's time to introduce our first guest.
Oh, grand, who is our first guest? Tell me, confide in me. I hang on your every word.
Well, I invite a very distinguished gentleman.
One of the world's leading authorities on fine foods.
Oh, excuse me, Dean, but your guest hasn't arrived yet.
Shall I have Dick play something until he gets here?
Oh, no, I got a better idea, Jimmy.
How about letting me speak for the authority on fine foods? I'm a glutton.
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we are proud to present one of our foremost epicures.
A gourmet who has tasted every conceivable dish at every conceivable restaurant.
The connoisseur of fine foods, Mr. Conrad Von Kronch.
Well, how are you, Mr. Von Kronch?
I got heartburn.
Oh, that's the same. Do you get heartburn often?
Only when I eat.
You must eat the wrong foods. Have you ever had an ulcer?
No, but I've had an avocado. Very good with sour pain.
Now, Mr. Von Kronch, how did you decide to become a gourmet?
Well, I was always invested in two things.
Good food and beautiful women.
But you lean toward the food, eh?
No, I lean toward the women. They pushed me into the food.
I imagine that your taste is very cosmopolitan.
Most of the time, but occasionally I like the ladies' home training.
Now, you don't understand me. I mean, you enjoy all sorts of foreign food.
Oh, I've eaten at every restaurant in the world.
Do you have a favorite?
My favorite is the little place right outside of Dublin, Ireland, Finnegan's Grill.
Finnegan's Grill? What's the specialty of the house?
Maze-bord soup.
Well, that's not an Irish dish.
Then crepe suzette ain't a French dish.
But crepe suzette is a French dish.
Yeah, then what are blintzes?
Well, at least me, I always thought they were raviola.
Do you like raviola?
No, I don't care for that Swedish food.
Tell me, Mr. Von Kronch, is it true that real epicures like their steaks very rare?
The rarer the better.
Well, how do you fix your steaks?
Well, usually I just hang it on a hook and walk past it with a lisp of grass.
Well, for goodness sake.
Oh, that's nothing. Some folks run fast.
What is the most unusual dish you have ever eaten?
What is the most unusual dish?
Oh, yeah, once I ate a cracker at a Weddwood dinner place.
And I finished it off with two cups of salsa and a pop-up toaster.
You don't seem to understand. I mean unusual food.
This is usual food.
Any other interesting experiences?
Well, there was a time I had lunch with the Char of Borderdash.
The main course was chicken-fried pomegranate.
Chicken-fried pomegranate? How were they prepared?
They were dipped in sweet and sour breadcrumbs, boiled in kerosene, and served on a flaming pretzel.
Boiled in kerosene? Well, how did it taste?
The pretzels were too salty.
Tell me, Mr. Von Cronch, any other interesting experiences in your travels?
Well, on my last European trip, I managed to have dinner at the Kremlin.
Really? What was the main course?
Roast up peasant.
What do you mean peasant?
I see you've never dined at the Kremlin.
Mr. Von Cronch, our time is running short.
But before you go, I wonder if you'd like to give us one of your favorite recipes.
Well, my all-time favorite is French-fried orange pears.
Well, tell me more, tell me more.
It's very simple, it's very simple.
What, they didn't pay a double admission here.
Go ahead, go ahead.
All right, all right.
You take, you take.
You take the oranges and cut the peels into strips a quarter of an inch wide and ten inches long.
How can you get a ten-inch strip from an orange?
Idiot, you use a grapefruit.
Yes, sir.
Now, you place the peels in a bowl and add a level forkful of sugar.
A level forkful?
If that isn't sweet enough, you can add a heaping pinch of nutmeg, a grain of salt, a dash of pepper,
a drop of vinegar, a touch of olive oil, a pet of butter, and three quarters of a pound of chicken fat.
Well, it sounds absolutely delicious.
Delicious? You speak about delicious.
In all your life, you've never tasted anything more zickening than this.
Oh, get out of here, will you?
Oh, no, you get out.
All right, everybody, it's time to sound off for Chesterfield.
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That's right.
Yes, science discovered what you can prove.
You better get into the smoking group for Chesterfield.
Now, sets the pace with no umpes and aftertaste.
Chesterfield.
Chesterfield.
Chesterfield.
Chesterfield.
Milder, milder, milder, milder.
Chesterfield.
That's right.
Don't make a boo-boo, just join the crowd.
Sound off for Chesterfield, clear and loud.
Buy the one that gives you more.
Get a cartner to what you need, restore.
Sound off for Chesterfield.
Sound off for Chesterfield.
Buy a pack of Chesterfield.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
And surely, folks, all Jerry and I want you to do is sound off for Chesterfield
and get something new, something no other cigarette has.
Chesterfield mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste.
Try a pack of Chesterfields and do it today.
Some of our loveliest songs have been inspired by the lush romantic atmosphere of the Hawaiian
Islands.
I'd like to sing a new one for you.
It's my latest recording.
So, Mr. Stabile, Blue Smoke.
Blue smoke goes drifting by into the deep blue sky.
And when I think of home, I sadly sigh.
Oh, I can see you there with love and tears in your eyes.
As we fondly say our last goodbye.
And as I sail away with a longing to stay, I promise I'd be true, my love, only you.
Oh, I can see you there with love and tears in your eyes.
As I sail away with a longing to stay, I promise I'd be true, my love, only you.
Blue smoke goes drifting by into the deep blue sky.
My memories of home will never die.
And when I think of home, I sadly sigh.
Oh, I can see you there with love and tears in your eyes.
And when I think of home, I sadly sigh.
Oh, I can see you there with love and tears in your eyes.
The people by the thousands are using modern anise and today instead of other ways.
Ladies and gentlemen, we've had the great fortune of presenting some wonderful guests on our show,
but tonight, Jerry and I take great pride in presenting a young lady who we feel sure
is to be nominated for the Academy Award for her magnificent performance in The Place and the Sun.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet the glamorous Miss Shelley Winters.
Well, hi, Shelley.
Hello, Dean.
I'm really very happy to be here.
Hey, Dean, have you seen my...
Well, jumping Jupiter, who's that chick?
Oh, Jerry, cut that out.
Say hello to Shelley Winters there, Jim.
You mean Shelley Summers?
No, he means Shelley Winters.
Don't kid me, lady.
We don't allow no Winters in California.
Dean, tell me, how does broomstick get in here without a witch?
Listen, lady, I don't have to stand here and have you tolerate me.
Jerry, before you make a complete fool of yourself, this lady happens to be Shelley Winters, the movie star.
Oh, yeah.
Now I remember.
Hey, I saw you in that picture behavior, though, with Farfel Granger.
You mean Folly Granger.
No, you mean Folly Granger.
Look, Jerry, I've had enough of this.
I'm here as your guest.
All I want from you is respect, consideration, and a little common courtesy.
No money.
Shelley, I'll have to apologize for my partner.
He's been like this ever since he was born.
Born? You mean he's human?
Sure I'm human.
What's so different about me?
When you hit me, I cry.
When you pinch me, I scream.
When you cut me, I bleed.
When you tickle me, I laugh.
Ha, ha, ha.
I was right the first time.
He wasn't born.
He was accumulated.
Come on, let's stop all this arguing here.
Good idea.
All kidding on the other side, Shelley.
I saw you in a place in the sun and you were peachy.
Oh, I'm glad you liked it, Jerry.
Boy, I wish I could play in a picture like that.
Well, why don't we try our own version now?
Oh, we can't do that.
A place in the sun was all about two girls and a boy.
So we'll do it with two boys and a girl.
This is a crime.
Good idea.
That's a go.
Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who have not seen
that thrilling motion picture, A Place in the Sun,
our thoughtful stars have prepared their own version
of this very stirring drama.
Here are Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Shelley Withers in...
A Spot in the Shade.
This is the story of the eternal triangle,
the story of Georgia who loves Angelo and hates Albert,
the story of Angelo who loves Georgia and hates Albert,
and the story of Albert, the most popular boy in town.
As our scene opens, we find Georgia and Angelo down by the lake.
They are confused, mixed up, or plunging.
Angelo, what are we going to do about Albert?
There's only one thing to do.
Tell him the truth about us.
I can't do it. How can I face him?
I've often wondered.
I can't stand this sneaking and hiding.
I just hate to deceive him this way.
There's no other way. We must do the honorable thing.
Yeah, we'll drown him.
He's coming.
Hi, Georgia. Look what I've brought you.
Hey, what are you doing with my fine ant?
Why, Albert, I believe you're jealous.
Me? Jealous? Ha ha.
Don't you think I come to a secluded nook and find my girl
in the lap of a strange man? You think I'm jealous?
Ha ha ha ha. No, I'm not well at all.
Don't feel that way, Albert. You know I love you.
You shouldn't strain yourself, Blaine.
You really love me? Then kiss me, you fool you.
Hey, what about me? Oh no, I don't even know you.
Albert, I want you and Angelo to be great friends.
Sure, Albert. We'll be real gutted.
By the way, can you swim?
Can I swim? Ha ha ha ha.
Why, you're talking to a man who used to be
the lifeguard of the birdbath.
And you want to know can I swim? Just ask Mr. Williams.
Call up Johnny Weismuller. Talk to Buster Crabb.
He wants to know if I can swim. Ha ha ha ha.
Can you? Well, no.
Can't swim at all, eh? Not a stroke.
In fact, last week I almost drowned in my kitchen.
Really? How'd that happen? I fell on a wet moth.
Can't swim at all. Well, why don't we all go out
in a rowboat? I have a premonition,
but I'm too good natured to refuse.
Angelo, you row and Albert can sit here next to me.
There now, is everybody comfortable?
Oh gee. What's the matter with you?
I'm getting seasick. Oh, I wish I was dead.
Darling, darling, over the bouncing man.
Georgia, Georgia, let's get him overboard.
Okay. Albert, why don't you sit on the edge
and let your feet dangle in the water?
Goodie goodie, I'll take off my shoes and socks.
Don't you peek.
Well look, he has 13 toes.
So what? I'm not superstitious.
Come on Angelo, he's all set. Rock the boat.
Okay, here goes. Oh please, don't rock the boat.
We got him now. Oh no, the whole stomach is tiny.
Don't rock the boat. Oh no, you can row to the middle
and as far as you want to go, but don't rock it.
Go over the waves if you want, but don't rock it.
We'll do anything with it. Don't rock it.
Angelo, Angelo, stop it. Why?
We'll find another way to kill him, anything, but don't rock it.
Why don't we rock too far? The boat's felling up.
We're sinking. Oh, what'll we do?
What'll we do? We got a man in a mizzen mask.
Hoist the mainsail, lay the poop deck, and row, row, row.
We got to row, row, row. Before we drown, we'd better row, row, row.
The water's rising, we must row and keep alert.
There's no time for flirts. Don't mind if I drown,
but I don't want to shrink my shirt.
We got to row, row, row. I think we're sinking, it's too late.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. If we sink, we're sunk.
Like a donut, I'll dunk. We better row, row, row.
Well, we've all safely landed on the shore again.
Let's all give our attention to Jimmy Wallington.
Thanks, Dean. And now here's something of interest to everybody.
Chikly, chikly.
Taste the difference when you chew. Flavor on the outside, inside, too.
Chikly, chikly.
Time the difference by the clock. Flavor lingers, tick, tick, tock.
Chikly, chikly.
Count the difference. Count them, cousin. Every box, and even dozens.
Chikly, chikly, chikly.
Get the big nickels worth. You can taste the difference,
time the difference, count the difference.
And whether you chew gum to keep your mouth fresh and clean,
or just for the plain fun of chewing it, you'll be better off on every count with chikly.
They're flavored on the outside, flavored on the inside.
With chikly, you don't chew the flavor out, you chew the flavor in.
That's why the goodness lingers on and on.
They're candy coated. Flavor coated.
Mmm, pleasure coated.
And more fun for your money. So get the big nickels worth.
Chikly, chikly, chikly.
Well, it was a rainy afternoon in New York some years ago,
and I stopped into one of those Times Square cigar stores to make a phone call.
The wall in the phone booth was one of those plate glass affairs,
and I stood there just one warm inch from the crowded sidewalk in the pattering rain.
My number was busy, and as I waited, searching faces in the throng,
my heart suddenly turned somersault.
I had never seen anything as pert and cute as a little trick
who paused near me to fix her broken umbrella.
She must have sensed I was staring because I caught her eye.
We smiled through the glass wall.
She saw my lips moving, and I guess she thought I was talking on the telephone.
It was just a fleeting minute, and we never met again.
So she never learned that I was really singing, singing to her.
If I could be with you,
I'd love you strong if I could be with you.
I'd love you long.
I want you to know that I wouldn't go
until I told you, honey, why I love you so.
If I could be with you,
why not deny if I were free to do
the things I might.
I'm telling you the truth.
I'd be anything but blue.
If I could be with you.
If I could be with you,
why not deny if I were free to do
the things I might.
I'm telling you the truth.
I'd be anything but blue.
If I could be with you.
If I could be with you.
Gee, Will and Christine, that was real pretty.
Oh, thank you, Germ.
That's one of my favorite songs.
If I could be with you a half hour tonight.
Jerry, Jerry, not a half hour, an hour.
Well, boys, I guess it's time for me to say good night.
Good night, Ellie.
Thank you.
And so, folks, until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis reminding you that we appear on radio
through the courtesy of Hal Wallace Productions,
producers of our current release, That's My Boy,
and our newest picture, Sailor Beware.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
From Hollywood, you have just heard transcribed
the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show
with their special guest, Miss Shelley Winters,
who can currently be seen in the Universal International
Production, The Raging Tide, co-starring
Richard Cotty and Stephen McFally.
Our radio show tonight was written by Ed Simmons
and Norman Lear, produced and directed by Dick Mack,
with music under the direction of Dick Stabile.
Brought to you by Chesterfield.
Sound off for Chesterfield.
Get something new, something no other cigarette has.
Chesterfield's mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste.
By Anderson, for fast relief from pain of headaches,
ureitis, and neuralgia.
And by Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
And Chicklet, the candy coated gum
with a flavor that won't chew out.
Here Duffy's Tavern with Archie on NBC.