Transcribe.
From Hollywood we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Music
Brought to you by Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
By Beeman's Pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion too.
By Chesterfield, sound off for Chesterfield.
Get something new, something no other cigarette has.
Chesterfield mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste.
And by Anison for faster relief from pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia.
And now ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure to introduce our master of ceremonies.
Hiya folks, this is Dean Martin.
Applause
Well another Friday has come over the horizon.
And if you don't have a headache now, you will when my ear splitting partner gets here.
Anyway, while we're waiting for Nature Boy to arrive, let's kick around a brand new tune that I've just recorded.
Richard?
Music
To be loved is a thrilling sensation, as thrilling as can be.
Though it happens in every nation, they greet it differently.
Every mademoiselle whispers ooh la la la, every Englishman talks to his pader.
Every smitten Venetian goes swa la la la, and the Irish say mother McCree.
But when I look at you and I thrill like I do, there is only one thing I can say.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, what a joy, a joy, a joy, a joy, a joy.
To know that you love me, by heaven above me, I never expected to pick you up divine.
The others will try and try and try and try and try, to give you the eye, the eye, the eye, the eye, the eye.
But when they approach you, I'll keep them in line, in line, in line, by telling them oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, you're mine.
La la la la la, la la la la la, la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la.
Certain characters hide it a little when Cupid comes along.
Some mechanics shift gears in the middle and drummers kick the gong.
Every cowboy I know hollers yippee-yayay, every clown in the circus goes oop-la.
Every sailor in port hollers anchors away and an Indian gives you the eye.
But when you hold me tight like you're doing tonight, there is only one thing I can say.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, what a joy, a joy, a joy, a joy, a joy.
To know that you love me by having above me, I never expected to pick you up the vine.
The others will try and try and try and try and try to give you the eye, the eye, the eye, the eye, the eye.
But when they approach you, I'll keep them in line, in line, in line, by telling them, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, you're mine.
Thank you.
Thank you very much now, ladies and gentlemen, because my pleasure to introduce one...
Hey Dean, is this my cue to come out and be adorable?
Jerry, how many times must I tell you, you're supposed to come out when I'm through saying Jerry Lewis.
Listen, Rodney, when you're through saying Jerry Lewis, I'm through coming out.
Ah, it's no use, Joe. Every show, it's the same thing. You act like an umbussle.
Yeah, well I... umbussle. Umbussle.
For a minute I thought he was wrong.
Now Jerry, you keep it up. Go ahead, Jerry, just keep it up and one of these days you're going to find a pink slip in your pay envelope.
Listen here, Dean Martin, don't think you can tempt me with pretty unmentionable.
You know, I never cease to be amazed at the irrational elements contained in what I would call your insipid and exceptionally peculiar sense of humor.
That's right.
Dean Martin, you sly fox, you gave the writers Christmas presents.
Jerry, you seem pretty preoccupied with Christmas. It was almost a month ago and it's still on your mind. Why?
I like it, I like it.
You haven't told me a word about your Christmas. Was it merry?
Yeah, it was merry.
Well, you care to tell me about it?
I'd rather sing about it.
Be my guest.
It was the day after Christmas and I had dreamt about nothing but the presents I was to get Christmas day. Ha ha ha. The presents I was to get. Ha ha ha ha.
The shirts were swell, the socks were fine. They're all size ten but my feet are size nine. I've had a very merry Christmas.
The watch won't run, the wallet split, the gloves are small, the pajamas don't fit. I've had a very merry Christmas.
Ten dozen hankies, a gift of Auntie Rose's. Ten dozen hankies, she must think I'm all covered with noses.
Six neck ties are all hand made, they're lovely ties but they're all the same shade. Oh, I've had a very merry Christmas.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, give my heart a lift. Tomorrow I'll be on my way exchanging every gift. My heaven, fine time I had. Ha ha ha.
The pen won't write, the slippers gap, the bathrobe's tight and the camera won't snap. I've had a very merry Christmas.
Those darn cigars are much too strong, the sweater's wide and the shorts are too long. I've had a very merry Christmas. Six pairs of swim trunks, a present that my firm made.
Six pairs of swim trunks, they must think I am mini, they're my mates. And too small, the ring ain't gold, the muffler's thin and I caught a good cold.
Oh, I've had a very merry Christmas. Thank heavens it's only once a year, boy. Thank heavens, only once a year.
Well, now that Jerry and I have both had a chance to be in the spotlight, let's shine it on Jimmy Wallington.
Thanks Dean, and now here's something of interest to everybody. For breathless moments, for your breathless moments.
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Well, every once in a while, the gang at the recording company picks out a tune for me to sing, and I'm against it.
And every once in a while, I pick out a tune, they're against it. But the happiest time is when we pick out a tune and find ourselves in perfect accord.
And that's the story of the number I'd like to sing now.
As you are my love, as you are my love, say you'll always be.
Though the years go by, my heart will ever say, you're the love for me.
Dearest, always be, as you are to me, you're my guiding star.
Love, you are to me, my love you'll ever be. Though you're near or far, it's so clear to me
why you're so dear to me, as you are, as you are.
Love, you are to me, my love you'll ever be. Though you're near or far, it's so clear to me
why you're so dear to me, as you are, as you are.
Thank you, thank you very much. Thank you, I'm glad you liked the song.
I liked it too, Dean.
Well, thank you, Miss. Oh, for goodness sake, this is really an unexpected compliment.
Folks, I want you to meet one of Hell Wall's brightest and cutest actresses, Marion Marsha.
Well, Marion, what are you doing here?
I just dropped over to say goodbye. I'm going on a little trip.
Now, where are you going?
Well, I'm tucking a print of our new picture, Sailor Beware, in my suitcase,
and I'm going on a two-week tour of 11 naval district headquarters.
I have a pretty important job to do. This trip is sponsored by the March of Dimes,
and I'm going to do my best to let everyone know how important and vital their contributions are.
Well, you couldn't be talking about a worthier charity, Marion,
because the National Foundation for Infantile Paralysis needs the help of every person in this nation.
Everything that's sent in is another step in the direction that may bring relief to the many thousands of sufferers.
So, have a good trip, Marion, and here's hoping you start those dimes and dollars marching all over the country.
Thank you, Dean. Good night, folks.
Hey, Jan, did you see that new ad for Chesterfield?
Oh, you mean the one showing you and me dressed up as sailors, huh?
That's the one.
Yeah, I got a telegram from Washington. They said they were glad to see us in sailor suits.
Oh, a telegram from the Navy?
No, from the Army.
No kidding, folks. You'll see Jerry and I in the new Chesterfield poster when you buy cigarettes,
and we'll be telling you to sound off of Chesterfield just like this.
We're sailors in our latest ad.
Our pants are tight, we sure look bad.
But mantis smokers will appeal.
Because we're holding Chesterfield.
Chesterfield.
Chesterfield.
Chesterfield.
Chesterfield.
Chesterfield.
Milder, milder, milder, milder, Chesterfield.
That's right.
Sailor soldiers, all you folks can get the very best in smokes.
Just change to Chesterfield today.
Enjoy your smoking all the way.
Sound off.
To Chesterfield.
Sound off.
To Chesterfield.
Enjoy your smoking all the way with Chesterfield.
That's right.
Ladies and gentlemen, our guest tonight is one of Hollywood's most popular character actors,
Mr. Hans Connery.
One of Mr. Connery's best characters is that of a blustering Englishman.
And it just so happens that my partner Jerry is terribly impressed by very important Britishers.
So, with your permission, I'd like to fool Jerry into thinking that Mr. Connery is a famous
English actor.
Now, we'll see what happens.
And, oh, here's Jerry now.
So, here goes.
Ladies and gentlemen, at this time I'd like to present one of England's foremost actors,
a man you've seen in countless British films.
Here he is, Mr. John Newton.
Thank you, Mr. Martin.
As I told you earlier, I've been exceedingly eager to appear on your program.
I was told that if I were to meet Martin and Lewis, I would see living proof of the Darwinian
theory that man has descended from the apes.
Well, maybe my partner can help you.
Hey, Jerry, come here.
Yeah, what is it, Dean?
I was just...
Land oh gosh, and there's a stranger in our midst.
Thank you, Mr. Martin.
Well, good night.
Oh, no, no.
Don't rush off, John.
Why don't you ask Jerry what he thinks of the Darwin theory?
Well, I'd be happy to, just as soon as he stops swinging his tail in my face.
All right, let's stop when he insults, buddy.
I don't even know you.
Oh, come on, Jerry, you know who this is.
I told you someone special was visiting us tonight, remember?
It's your cousin, Salvatore, from Italy.
With my accent, I could hardly be Cousin Salvatore from Italy.
Good heavens, I've been tricked.
The man's a Swede.
Tell me, Dean, would you call this fellow an American adult?
Yes, I guess so.
You know, I never shall understand how you chaps did it to us at Bunker Hill.
Bunker Hill?
Oh, I get it.
The bloke's a Britisher.
Hey, tell me, is it true that Big Ben wears elevator shoes?
All right, cut it out, Jerry.
It's about time you were introduced properly.
I'm sure you've heard of Mr. Newton.
Newton, Newton, Newton.
Oh, sure, I've been eating his figs.
Jerry, Mr. Newton happens to be one of our greatest actors.
Haven't you seen him in a lot of English pictures?
How could I?
We don't have a television set.
You know?
You know, Mr. Newton, we make pictures too.
Right now, one of our pictures is playing in England.
That is precisely why I am in America.
Don't be so uppity.
I know lots of English actors.
Do you know that husband and wife theme, Lawrence Hollivar and Vivian Lox?
Why, it's unbelievable.
I'll wager he refers to our Prime Minister as the Honourable Winston Cheesecake.
I'm only kidding, honest Mr. Newton.
I really got a lot of respect for you, really I have.
As a matter of fact, I'd love to be in an English picture with you.
Like Oliver Twist?
Well, why not give it a try tonight?
Charles Dickens is past caring, and I've always wanted to play the part of Fagin.
All righty.
And now, let's go back to England in the 1800s.
Our scene is a miserable street in a miserable district in a miserable suburb of London.
There, sitting on a curb, is a miserable little boy.
My name is Oliver Twist it is.
My mother disappeared the day I was born.
She took one look at me and that did it.
Since then I've been working on my own.
The first year I worked 16 hours a day, just changing meself.
When I was ten I'd walked 60 miles to London.
I would have taken the streetcar, only it was in Hollywood making a movie.
Streetcar, you know.
Now I'm in London, cold and alone.
Oh, I use this shifty bloke stepping over to me.
Hello, my lad. What's your name?
They call me Oliver Twist it.
That's a funny name.
Dad wanted a pretzel.
Oh, big importance, big importance.
How come they call you the Awful Dodger?
How do you know I was the Awful Dodger?
I read the book.
You look hungry, Oliver. Why don't you eat?
I can't afford it, sir.
I know an old man who'll give you board and lodgings for nothing.
Name is Fagin it is.
Where does he live, sir?
Just follow me right off these steps.
I'll give this special knock.
He's not in.
Let me try, sir.
Who's knocking?
It's me, it's me, the Awful Dodger.
Who have you got with you?
The door's closed, how do you know someone was with me?
I read the book too.
Well, Oliver, this is Fagin.
Yes, boy, that's me, Fagin.
They call me Fagin, kind Fagin, generous Fagin.
That's me, boy, Fagin.
Fagin?
Hey, Fagin, me boy, this is Oliver Twist, dear.
Twist?
Twist, that's a funny name.
All right, Dad wanted a corkscrew.
Enough of this petty idiocy.
I can't stand it.
Fy on, fy, fa, fa.
You left one out.
Which one is that?
Fae.
Tell me, Oliver, what you think of our little home here?
Hey, you got pigs in here.
Oh, you ain't sleeping with no dirty pigs, eh?
Don't let it trouble you, boy.
They'll get used to you.
Oliver's hungry, Fagin, and he ain't got no money.
Well, cheer up, Oliver.
From now on, they eat their own old Fagin.
Yeah, I may be poor, sir, but when I eat, I eat off a table.
All right, Oliver, you like cheesecake?
Sure, oh, sure, sir.
You're the best prime minister we ever had.
Well, while we all go out to untwist Oliver,
let's listen to the good advice of Jimmy Wallington.
Thank you, Dean.
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When a lyric writer with 500 songs to his credit picks out
one of his all-time greatest, chances are that it's a pretty powerful song,
such as the case with Leo Robin, who was asked by Ralph Ranger
to write a lyric for a tune of his.
And the end result was a song that will always be considered an all-time great.
So, with your kind permission...
It's June in January
Because I'm in love
It always is spring in my heart with you in my arms
The snow is just white blossoms that fall from above
And here's the reason, my dear, your magical charm
The night is cold, the trees are bare
But I can feel the scent of roses in the air
It's June in January
Because I'm in love
But only because I'm in love with you
The night is cold, the trees are bare
But I can feel the scent of roses in the air
It's June in January
Because I'm in love
But only because I'm in love with you
It's June in January
Good night, and thanks for being such a good sport.
Good night, boy.
Good night.
Before we leave tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
we'd like to say something both serious and important.
On our last television show and radio program,
we talked about the dread disease muscular dystrophy.
Your response was so wonderful that we would like to mention it over and over again.
Muscular dystrophy is a disease for which there is no known cause or cure.
Striking young and old alike and ending in death.
The only way we can lick this terrible disease is through further research,
and the only way this research can be continued is your contributions.
As Dean said previously, if only every listener would send one cent,
it would go a long way toward continued research and a possible cure.
Please send a little something tonight.
Mail your contribution to MDA, 21 East 40th Street, New York City.
That's MDA, 21 East 40th Street, New York City, New York.
Good night, everybody.
Night.
From Hollywood, you have just heard transcribed the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show,
written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear,
produced and directed by Dick Mack with music under the direction of Dick Stabiel.
Brought to you by Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor,
by Beeman's Pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion, too,
by Chesterfield, sound off for Chesterfield, get something new,
something no other cigarette has, Chesterfield's mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste,
and by Aniston for fast relief from pain of headache, ureitis, and uralgia.
The role of John Newton was portrayed tonight by Mr. Hans Conry.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
Thank you.