Transcribed.
Laughter
Music
Music
Music
Music
From Hollywood we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Applause
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are brought to you by Anison for the fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia.
By Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
By Beeman's Pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion too.
And by Chesterfield, sound off for Chesterfield.
For the first time you'll get the cigarette that's much milder with the added protection of no unpleasant aftertaste.
And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our master of ceremonies, Dean Martin.
Applause
Well here we are again, gathered around the old NBC mic all raring to go.
From the boys in the booth to the boys in the band.
So, Jimmy Wallington, suppose you go and unlock Jerry's cage while I bridge the gap with a song.
Ricardo, let's go.
Music
I want a kiss, kiss, kiss, but you don't want it, but you don't want it.
A kiss could be such bliss, but you don't want it, but you don't want it.
My lips are just the place to place your lips upon.
Go on, ah come on, ah come on, ah come on.
I want a hug, oh hug, but you don't want it, but you don't want it.
A hug could be just so snug, but you don't want it, but you don't want it.
They're gonna change your mind someday, but I'll be gone, gone, gone, ah come on, oh come on, come on.
But you don't want it, but you don't want it.
But you don't want it, but you don't want it.
You're gonna change your mind someday, but I'll be gone, gone, gone, ah come on, ah come on, hey come on.
Applause
Now ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce...
Pardon me Dean, but is this the place where you introduced Jerry?
Yes, Jimmy it is.
Well, Jerry wrote his own introduction this time and he asked if you'll please read it. Here it is.
But Jim, I did this for him once before and I... oh well, might as well make the kid happy. There goes.
Ladies and gentlemen, about to walk out on this stage is the most sensationally clever personality of our time.
He is pretty, soft-spoken, and fantastically adorable.
Ladies and gentlemen, here is the perfect human being, Jerry Lewis.
I mean that was simply beautiful.
You just made me the happiest perfect human being in the world.
Are you kidding?
Kidding, look at me, I'm glowing like a bride.
Jerry, someday we're going to decide to stop all this stupid nonsense and do you know how happy I'll be?
How should I know? I never saw you at a work before.
Ah, what's used Jerry, every show is the same thing. Argue, argue, argue.
Gesundheit.
I know what the trouble is, I know what the trouble is. You've been working with me so long that you're starting to take me for granted.
Me take you for granted? That's ridiculous. I could never take you for him.
Take me for who?
Cary Granton. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Cary Granton. See, it's like a whole joke because he said take me for granted and there's only one guy's name we could use with that.
Granton, Cary Granton. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, I wish I was dead.
Jerry, has it ever... It's lucky for you that you're so fragile or I might hit you by now.
Yeah, well listen here D. Martin, I may look sickly and people may think I'm frail, but when I strip down you'll find I'm pretty darn skinny.
Look, Jerry, just listen to me, good boy. We gotta cut this out. We have to cut this out, we have a big dramatic play planned for tonight and we gotta get in the mood.
You mean we're going to do a play with acting and all that stuff?
Yep, tonight we're going to do a soap opera.
Oh, well we might as well get started. Ha ha ha.
And now, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis give you their version of that popular soap opera...
Just Plain Balderdeg.
Yes folks, it's time to visit that little white house around the corner.
And who lives there but our old friends Al, Sadie, Herman, Jeanette, Bunny, Maury, Lizzie, Shea, Elizabeth, Elsie, Arnold, Phyllis, Morty, Beverly, Myron and Beatrice.
As tonight's episode opens we find Max and Natalie in the den. They're discussing Harvey's operation. Natalie is sobbing.
Sob. Sob, sob, sob. Sob, sobbing, sobbing, oh sob, sob, sob.
Why Natalie, you're sobbing.
Oh sob! Sob, sob.
What is it? Why, why are you crying?
I lost my ankle break, blip.
Well that's nothing to cry about.
But my foot was in it.
You don't look at all well Natalie. How do you feel?
I feel dizzy. When I stand up I sway. It's hard for me to keep my balance. I keep falling down. Oh, what's wrong with me Max? What shall I do?
Look for that ankle bracelet kid, you're standing on one leg.
Max.
Yes?
Max, we've been avoiding it but we must talk about Harvey.
Why? Why must we talk about Harvey?
It's the only way we can get into the next joke.
Natalie, what shall we do about our problems? Harvey's in the hospital. He wants to borrow money for an operation.
Lucy broke her leg. Yesterday the house burned down. Today I went bankrupt. My Uncle Morris disappeared. We have no relatives, no friends, and no money.
Tell me something Max.
Yes?
Is something bothering you?
Natalie, how can you be so cruel and heartless?
I've led a hard life Max. When I was little my father put shoes on me.
But fathers always put shoes on children.
Horseshoes?
Natalie, it's such a hard, cruel world. How do you stand it?
I make the best of things Max. With all my troubles and heartache, I still wake up every morning, look around my cold little room, open the window and let the sun come streaming in.
I look out at the crowded tenement, take a deep breath and say, huh huh.
Max go into the phone. You never can tell. It might be a call.
He's such a sweet man.
I've known Max now for oh let's see, almost a week.
He's returning.
Oh Natalie, the hospital phone. They've operated on Harvey.
Really? What was wrong with him? What was it? What did they find?
Oh Natalie, you'll be so happy.
Hurry Max, when they cut Harvey open, what did they find?
A nurse is bringing it right over.
They're bringing it here.
Where else?
They found your ankle bracelet.
Well now that our soft soap opera is over, let's see what happy tidings Jimmy Wallenkin has to bring.
Thank you Dean. Ladies and gentlemen, the next time you suffer from pains of headache, neuritis or neuralgia, take Anisine.
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Now the reason Anisine is so wonderfully fast acting and effective is this.
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That is, Anisine contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy to take tablet form.
Thousands of people have received envelopes containing Anisine tablets from their own dentist or physician.
And in this way discovered the incredibly fast relief Anisine brings from pains of headache, neuritis or neuralgia.
So the next time a headache strikes, take Anisine for this wonderfully fast relief.
Anisine, A-N-A-C-I-N.
Anisine comes in handy boxes of 12 and 30.
Economical family sized bottles of 50 and 100.
Get Anisine at any drug counter.
I've always had a great deal of respect for songwriters.
It's a source of constant amazement to me how these talented gentlemen can work out so many wonderful combinations out of a scale with only eight little notes.
For instance, take this late example that is making a fast and well deserved rise.
Richard.
Anytime you're feeling lonely
Anytime you're feeling blue
Anytime you feel downhearted
That'll prove your love for me is true
Anytime you're thinking about me
That's the time I'll be thinking about you
So anytime you say you want me to come back again
That's the time I'll come back home to you
That's the time I'll be thinking about you
So anytime you say you want me back again
That's the time I'll come back home to you
Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, for the next order of business in our show, our chairman is Jimmy Wallington.
Thanks, Dean. And now here's something of interest to everybody.
For breathless moments, for your breathless moments.
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Denteen tastes so good.
Denteen freshens your breath.
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Before you go out and always after eating, drinking, smoking, refresh your breath with Denteen.
You'll love Denteen chewing gum.
For Denteen has a wonderful tingling, nippy flavor that lingers on and on.
It's delicious. And remember, Denteen helps keep your teeth white, too.
Keep Denteen handy. You'll enjoy refreshing your breath when you chew Denteen.
So for breathless moments, for your breathless moments.
Chew Denteen, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
Now we come to the most pleasant part of our show, wherein we introduce our guest star of the evening.
Tonight's guest needs little introduction to all of you.
She's one of Hollywood's most lovely and talented actresses, Mrs. Alexis Smith.
And thank you, my man. You can leave now if you want to clean up the studio.
Clean up the studio? Wait a minute, I'm Dean Martin.
Oh yes, I know. But over the telephone, someone told me that Dean Martin is the janitor here.
The man who, you know, dusts and cleans and sweeps the place out.
Now who could have told you anything like that?
I did.
Alexis, if I'm supposed to be the sweeper here, who do you think this is?
Your broom?
No, this is Jerry Lois. Jerry, say hello to Alexis Smith.
Here, don't give me that Alex stuff. I know what she is. She's a girl.
Well, how can you tell? Her stockings don't hang loose.
Dean, this belongs to you?
It sure does.
Why, I think it's adorable. And the way you dress it. Just like it was a real man.
Wait a minute, lady. I am a man.
How can you tell?
My stockings hang loose.
You talk like stockings are the only way to tell girls from boys.
It is if you want to stay on radio, baby.
Jerry, now let's not give Alexis a hard time like you gave Frank Sinatra last week.
Oh, I heard about that. Yesterday I bumped into Frank and he was...
You did? Gosh, was he hurt very bad?
Well, I was...
Last week I sneezed and almost blew him the kingdom cug.
Ah, Jerry, you're making a very bad impression. A very bad impression.
I've been watching you, Jerry, and strangely enough, I think you're kind of cute.
Really, Miss Smith?
You don't have to call me Miss Smith.
Really, Mr. Smith?
And not Mr. Smith.
Smith?
No.
Smith?
No.
Smith?
No.
Jerry, your head's leaking again.
Tell me, Dean, is he married?
Yes, you see, he...
You're married? That reminds me. I have to go to the dentist.
How can being married possibly remind you of the dentist?
Oh, the pain.
You know, I'll bet it's really something when Jerry visits the dentist.
Well, as abrupt as it may seem, if we all turn the page together,
maybe we'll find out about Jerry's visit to the dentist.
And now Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Alexis Smith join forces to present a stirring drama
dedicated to that stalwart guardian of our oral health, the American dentist.
Please bear in mind that any resemblance to any dentist or dental office
that may occur in this scene is not only coincidental, it's utterly impossible.
And now we take you to the office of Dr. Dean Martin.
Painless dentist.
Hello.
Well, hello there, young man.
How do you know I'm a man?
Do I have to read that stocking joke again?
I want to see a doctor about my forehead.
Oh, well, Dr. Martin doesn't treat foreheads. He's a dentist.
Oh, he'll treat this one. There's a tooth in it.
How did you get a tooth in your forehead?
I bit myself.
But that's impossible. How can you bite yourself in the head?
Simple. I stood on a chair.
Well, well, well, well, well, well, well. I see.
Well, I was out of it for a long time.
I see we have a new patient.
Do you have all his information, nurse?
Not yet. What's your name, sonny?
Fido Armbruster.
Fido? That's a funny name for a boy. Dad wanted a chihuahua.
He darn near got it.
Now, where do you live, Fido?
Six, three, seven and a half, Gribbina Street.
How do you spell Gribbina?
G-A...no. G-H...well, we're planning to move tomorrow.
Well, now, you never mind that. Come on, Fido, let me see your teeth.
Here now. I don't even know you.
Don't tell me you're afraid of dentists.
Me? Ha ha ha! Me?
Afraid of dentists? Why, I went through the Chinese torture.
Spent two weeks with a tribe of animals.
I've been through every pain known to man.
And you have the nerve to ask me, am I afraid of a dentist?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Are you?
Well, yes.
Oh, now, Fido, don't worry.
If you're a little frightened, I'll stand right near you.
And if you're very frightened, I'll hold your hand.
Then you better pucker up, baby. I'm scared to death.
Say, Fido, show me. Which tooth is troubling you?
Well, it's this tooth back here.
I have the clove of my foot.
And I don't have a foe.
Now, wait, wait. Wait a minute.
The foe of my foe.
Wait a minute!
The foe of tomorrow.
Hey!
Boe me plow me.
Boe me plow me.
How long you gonna keep this up, Selma?
As long as we get laughs, Ruthie.
Well, we'd better get going now.
What would you like?
Novocaine or gas?
I'll take Novocaine. I had gas last night.
Oh, God.
Okay. Open your mouth.
Now, say, ah.
Ah.
Say, bee.
Bee.
Now, say, dow.
Dow.
Good boy. Now, say, ah.
Be dow.
Be dow.
Ah. Be dow.
Ah. Be dow.
Ah. Be dow.
To get you in the taxi.
Better be ready by half past eight.
Say, baby, don't be late.
Because the beater now.
The moon will shine, dear.
Better be ready.
What's the matter, boobie? You forgot the words?
Well, now that I've chased him out,
I'd better call Jerry back because it's time for all of us to sound off at Chesterfield.
Tell me, Dean, would you be willing to switch our names so I'm top billing?
Well, the short of talk must stop at Chesterfield. It's at the top.
Chesterfield.
Chesterfield.
Chesterfield.
Chesterfield.
Milder, milder, milder, milder.
Chesterfield.
That's right.
Chesterfield is on the ball with maleness that will please you all.
And Chesterfield now sets the pace with no unpleasant aftertaste.
Here's what we want you to do.
Right now.
Yes, here's what we want you to do.
Right now.
Sound off.
At Chesterfield.
Sound off.
At Chesterfield.
Try a pack of Chesterfield.
Do it.
Today.
That's right, folks.
Latch on to a pack of Chesterfield today or tomorrow for sure.
Enjoy your smoking.
Enjoy the cigarette that tastes better, that's milder and leaves no unpleasant aftertaste.
Chesterfield mildness is confirmed by 1,562 tobacco growers.
No unpleasant aftertaste is confirmed by a leading research organization.
Sound off for Chesterfield and get smoking pleasure all the way.
Well, nobody quite understands what makes a song a hit.
But music publishers usually feel pretty safe with a torch song.
Well, when it comes to torch songs, there's one old favorite that is pretty hard to top.
And if Mr. Stabille will give me a downbeat.
I saw you last night and got that old feeling
When you came inside I got that old feeling
The moment that you danced by I felt the thrill
And when you caught my eye My heart stood still
Once again I seemed to feel that old feeling
And I knew the spark of love was still burning
There'll be no new romance for me It's foolish to stop
For that old, old feeling is still in my heart
There'll be no new romance for me It's foolish to stop
For that old, old feeling is still in my heart
Hey, Dean, that was pretty. I sure hope that was this thing. He carried a torch for years.
You mean he suffered from an unreturned love?
No, he used to be an old lamp lighter.
I'd like to put my vote in too, Dean. I liked it.
Well, thank you, Alexis, and thank you for being with us tonight.
Hey, Alexis, can I ask you one question before you go?
How come you got a boy's name like Alexis, huh?
Well, Jerry, at first my father thought I was a boy.
Why was he wrong?
Good night, boys, and thanks very much for the laugh.
Good night, Alexis. Thank you for having us.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'd just like to get serious for just a moment
and mention that on our radio show two weeks ago, we talked about the dread disease muscular dystrophy.
Your response was so heartening that we would like to mention it again.
Muscular dystrophy is a disease for which there is no known cause or cure.
It strikes young and old alike and can only end in death.
The only way we can lick it is through further research,
and the only way this research can be continued is through your contribution.
As my partner said on our television show, if every listener would send in one cent,
it would certainly go a long way toward continued research and a possible cure.
Please send a little something tonight, if you will.
And please mail your contribution to MDA 21 East 40th Street, New York City, New York.
That's 21 East 40th Street, New York City, New York. Thank you.
Well, folks, until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis reminding you that we appear on radio through the courtesy of Howe Wallace Productions,
producers of our new picture sale of Beware.
Good night, everybody. Bye.
From Hollywood, you have just heard transcribed the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show,
written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear,
produced and directed by Dick Mack with music under the direction of Dick Stabile.
Brought to you by Anison for fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia,
by Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor,
by Beeman's pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion, too,
and by Chesterfield. Sound off for Chesterfield.
For the first time, you'll get the cigarette that's much milder,
with the added protection of no unpleasant aftertaste.
Alexis Smith can soon be seen in the Paramount picture.
This is Dynamite, co-starred with William Holden.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.