Transcribed.
From Hollywood we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show with their special guest Gordon McRae
who appears through the courtesy of Warner Brothers Pictures, Inc.
The celebrated producers of the motion picture Room for One More starring Cary Grant and Betsy Drake.
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are brought to you by Denteen, a gum with breathtaking flavor.
By Beeman's Pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion too.
By Chesterfield, sound off for Chesterfield. For the first time you'll get the cigarette that's much milder
with the added protection of no unpleasant aftertaste.
And by Anison for fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia.
And now ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure to introduce our master of ceremonies, Dean Martin.
Hi folks.
Thank you.
And tell them it says that Friday is here again and we're about to embark on our 18th journey into your home.
Incidentally, lots of people have asked how I've been able to stand up under my partner's constant barrage of madness.
And I want to go on record as saying I find it very easy for two important reasons, bread and butter.
Well, before the animal gets here it's my pleasure to team up with the lovely Carol Richards in a chorus of
I Love the Way You Say Goodnight.
I love the way you say goodnight.
I kinda like the way you mumble while you fumble for your key.
More time for kissing me.
I love the way you say goodnight.
I kinda like the way you linger with your finger on the bell.
More kisses and their swell when you say I gotta get home by 12.
I always say let's go.
You do.
Cause you can take longer to say goodnight than any three others I know.
I love the way you say goodnight.
I kinda like the way you snuggle while you juggle with your call.
I never never never go home.
I love the way you say goodnight.
The way you let our kisses mingle till I tangle to my toes.
We're blushing like a rose.
I kinda like the way you say goodnight.
I kinda like the way you giggle while you jiggle with your bag.
Our hearts are playing tag when you say we just gotta be home by 12.
Well don't I always say let's go.
That's true, I said it before, you do.
Cause you can take longer to say goodnight than any three others I know.
I love the way you say goodnight.
I kinda like the way you super duper special way.
The way you have me flying higher than a kite.
I kinda like the way you snuggle while you juggle with your call.
It looks as though you're never going.
No I never never never never never never never never gonna go home.
Thank you very much, sweetheart.
Now that we've exercised our vocal chords, I think it's about time we gave the same opportunity to Jimmy Wallington.
Thank you, Dean. And now here's something of interest to everybody.
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Folks, I'd like to introduce...
Hey Dean, hey Dean.
Jerry Heavens to Betsy, will you wait until I introduce you to the audience?
I don't like the way you come running out barking like a male seal. Nobody likes it.
Yeah, but how about girl seals?
It was an ad lib anyhow, Dean. It came right out of my head.
Well, you better patch up the hole.
Here now, I have six holes in my head just like everybody else.
Six holes?
Two to hear by, two to breathe by, one to eat by, and one for roll razor blades.
Jerry, I warned you about those fantastic jokes.
Everyone knows that you don't put razor blades in a hole in your head.
You're right, Dean.
You can't. It's full of olive pits.
Jerry, I'm ashamed of you.
Yeah? Well, you don't have to be ashamed of me, Shirley. I'm pretty important, see?
I get laughs and I get smiles and I get applause. And what do you get?
All you get is the money and the glory and the girls. And you know what?
What?
I wish I was you.
All right, Jerry, I surrender. Who's our first guest tonight?
Well, we invited a famous health expert to come over, but he didn't want to come, so I guess I'll have to talk first.
All righty, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we're proud to present the author of that famous bestseller, How to Be Happy, Though Healthy.
An expert on diets, a world-famous bodybuilder, and is said to be the healthiest man in America.
Here he is, Dr. Byron J. Bicep.
Dr. Bicep, you certainly are the picture of health.
Well, I ain't the picture of Dorian Gray.
Tell me, Dr. Bicep, how did you first become interested in physical culture?
Well, that's a good question.
Well, I was a 98-pound weakling, and when I went to the beach, the big guys used to throw sands at me.
One time I got so bad, I looked up at a guy, took a deep breath.
And what happened?
My trunks fell down.
I guess you were pretty slim.
Slim, buddy. The only belt I owned was a napkin ring.
Dr. Bicep, let's discuss your health course. I understand it really makes a man out of you.
Yeah, last year my aunt took the course, and now she's my uncle.
I didn't know that women took your course.
Why, some of the most famous women in the world take my course.
Last year, a scrawny little 60-pound girl came to me for help.
And do you know who she is today? Dagmar.
I suppose with all your female students you have a fine understanding of the opposite sex.
Well, I believe the bottom woman needs to be dominated.
She ought to be slugged over the head 364 days a year.
You left her one day out.
Have a hard body, that's Mother's Day.
I'm sorry. Tell me, Dr., do you recommend this special diet?
Sure. In fact, I'm working on a new diet.
Each day you get a tipple full of warm water and one fat free raisin.
I think it's an 18-day diet.
You think it's an 18-day diet?
Yeah, so far nobody lived past six.
Well, I guess exercise is more important than diet.
Exercise? That's the worst thing you could do.
You make your blood start jumping from capillary to capillary, from vein to vein, from artery to artery,
up the ventricle, down the tubes, through the liver, and left on the pulver.
If it ain't washed out.
Then you think people should forget exercise.
Absolutely.
Take my Uncle Arnold.
You take your Uncle Arnold.
I don't want him. Take my Uncle Arnold.
He did push-ups every morning. He never missed a day.
You mean he did push-ups till the day he died?
He did push-ups three days after he died.
No!
They had to nail the lid down 12 times.
Then what is the secret of health?
Well, the big thing is breath control.
You must learn to breathe down in your diagram.
My what?
Your diagram. What do I have to do, draw your diaphragm?
Get out of here. You get out of here.
Well, thank you. Thank you very much.
Well, Jerry, start tuning up your raspy pipes
because it's time for all of us to sound off at Chesterfield.
Dean, please entertain the folks. I gotta go out and sell some smoke.
Carpethead, you'll sell much more if you stand right here and let it roar.
Mileness blot. No aftertaste.
No unpleasant aftertaste in Chesterfield.
That's right.
Over 1,500 tobacco men told you they're mild and will tell you again.
They're milder with a better taste and no unpleasant aftertaste.
Well, here's what we want you to do.
Right now.
Yes, here's what we want you to do.
Right now.
Sound off.
For Chesterfield.
Sound off.
For Chesterfield.
Try a pack of Chesterfields.
Do it.
Today.
1,500 tobacco growers tell you Chesterfields have a milder aroma,
which means a milder smoke, and a leading research organization reports
of all brands smoked and examined, Chesterfield is the only cigarette
in which members of the taste panel found no unpleasant aftertaste.
Enjoy your smoking.
Enjoy the cigarette with the mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste.
Sound off at Chesterfields and try a pack today.
Get smoking pleasure all the way.
Ladies and gentlemen, our guest tonight is one of our most famous
motion picture and radio stars, the proud possessor of a mighty fine voice
and a very talented actor.
Here he is, Gordon McCray.
Thank you very much, folks, and thank you, Tony.
You're confused, Gordy.
I'm not Tony Martin.
I'm Dean Martin.
You mean you're the one who works with the Lewis Animal?
That's right.
Look, supposing you dig into a song for us, and by the time you finish,
I'll trot Jerry out here so you can see what a doll he really is.
Well, that's my pleasure, Dino.
Can you get your maestro to give me a downbeat?
Gordon, this is Dick Stabiel's orchestra.
See, you can't use musical terms like downbeat and upbeat.
You just yell go and they'll race you to the finish.
I'll try anything once, Dino.
Go, boy.
Baby doll, you beautiful baby doll
Let's go home and tell your mother
That you found a baby brother
I'm taking you off the shelf
I'm showing you off myself
Can't you see it now?
I'm taking you walking
I'm holding your parasol
Ah, honey, there's no use of talking
You're a beautiful baby doll
Oh, baby doll
You beautiful baby doll
Let's go home and tell your mother
That you found a brand new baby brother
I'm taking you off the shelf
I'm showing you off myself
Can't you see it now?
I'm taking you walking
I'm holding your parasol
Ah, honey, there's no use talking
You're a beautiful baby, baby doll
Ah, Tony, that was wonderful. You certainly have a mean set of pipes.
Oh, thank you, Dean. You know, I was...
Hey, Dean, Dean, have you got...
This chap has a strange look.
Jerry, this man shouldn't be strange to you.
This is...
I know, I know. Ain't he, Mr. Klutz?
No, he isn't. There is no Mr. Klutz.
Good heavens, who's going to break the news to Mrs. Klutz?
Now, now, look, sonny, my name is MacRae.
Hey, I remember you. I seen you in pictures. You're that tall fella.
How you been, Joe?
What do you do with standing on your knees?
Jerry, he's not Joel MacRae.
Jerry, this is Gordon MacRae.
Gordon MacRae, say, didn't we used to belong to the same fraternity?
I didn't know you belonged to any fraternity.
Oh, sure, I used to be president of Kappa Gamma Delta Alpha Schnook.
Really? Did you have a large membership?
No, just five of us, Kappa Gamma Delta Alpha and me, Schnook.
Look, Dean, there's one baritone to another. What is this guppy doing out of his fishbowl?
Hey, are you a baritone, too?
I told you, Jerry, all the good singers are baritones.
Oh, yeah? Well, I can name three who aren't.
Go ahead.
Kate Smith.
Jerry, I think you have the mind of a moron.
Yeah, well, finders keepers, losers waker.
Gordy, you've been starring on the railroad hour for three years now.
Do you find radio pretty hard work?
Well, it's pretty exhausting, do you know, learning new songs every week?
And someday maybe I'd like to do maybe one of those quiz shows.
Yeah, Groucho Marx has the right idea. I'd like that, too.
Hey, yeah, why don't we do another one of those Groucho shows, you know, Dean, like we did with Danny Thomas?
Hey, bright idea, Bush head. Let's head into it.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Gordon McRae are proud to present their version of that popular quiz program, You Bet Your Life, entitled...
No, You Bet Your Life.
And here he is, your master of ceremonies.
That's me, Groucho Martin.
Our giant jackpot is up to $14 now.
Our midget jackpot is up to $6,000.
We had to raise the midget jackpot when we heard the shrimp boats were coming.
Georgie Feminine, who's our guest couple.
Before we went on the air, the studio audience selected a waitress and a chef as our first contestants, but they disappeared backstage.
A waitress and a chef disappeared backstage, huh?
Wish I could be there to see what's cooking.
Feminine, you'd better call our second couple.
Well, Groucho, for our second couple, the studio audience selected a popular singer and the president of a motion picture fan club.
Folks, meet Groucho Martin.
Welcome to No, You Bet Your Life.
Feminine, supposing you tell our listeners a secret word. It's a common word. We use it every day.
The secret word is paleostreptomyosis.
If either of you contestants guess the word, you will divide $1.35 between you.
Common word, we use it every day.
Is it paleostreptomyosis?
Well, what took you so long?
We only use it every other day.
Now, who is the singer and who is the president of the fan club?
Baby doll.
Oh, I see. You're the fan club president.
Oh, I'm the singer. My name is Matt Crave.
Well, let's get up off your knees, Joel.
Well, how about you, sir? What's your name?
Statler W. Beck.
Statler? But that's the name of a hotel.
Dad wanted a bellboy.
Tell me, Statler, are you president of the McCrae's fan club?
Heavens no. I wouldn't touch him with a six-foot pole.
Well, don't look now, kid, but you are a six-foot pole.
Okay, so you don't like McCrae's singing. Whose fan club do you head?
Barry Como's, Vic DeMone's, Frank Sinatra's?
Nelson Eddy's.
Nelson Eddy?
What's with the Nelson Eddy?
What are you, another Lewis and Martin?
Excuse me, Statler, you said Lewis and Martin. Isn't it Martin and Lewis?
That just depends on who's saying it, buddy.
Mr. McCrae, tell me something about yourself.
As a singer, what do you think of Dean Martin?
I never think of Dean Martin as a singer.
Well, that doesn't bother me. You don't think it bothers me, do you, Statler?
You bet your life.
Well, let's get on with the questions. Remember, the Mitch Jackpot is up to $8,000.
Boy, what I could do with $8,000, I'm gonna buy a yacht.
Don't forget the federal tax.
Boy, I'm gonna buy a motorboat.
And the state tax.
Yes, siree, I'm gonna buy a canoe.
The XX tax.
The gift tax.
Can I still float my matchsticks in the garden?
Hey, what do you say, Groucho? Are we gonna get on with the questions?
I've had about enough for this Nelson Eddy fan.
You hear what he said, Groucho? He had enough of Nelson Eddy.
Now, wait a minute. You two sound like Martin and Lewis.
If we don't, buddy, you're working for nothing.
Get out of here.
No, you get out of here.
Well, it's time for all good quiz shows to come to an end and get some information about which there is no question
and to which Jimmy Wallington has the answer.
Thank you, Dean.
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Well, many songwriters have written an impressive list of hits, but one team seems to have the magic touch.
Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein.
Although most of their hits have come out of their Broadway shows, they did come out here to Hollywood one season to write the score for State Fair.
And with their fantastic record, I guess no one was surprised when the hit song of the picture won the Academy Award for that year.
It has always remained one of my all-time favorites, and I'm sure you will remember it as one of yours.
I'm as restless as a willow in a windstorm.
I'm as jumpy as a puppet on a string.
I'd say that I have spring fever.
But I know it isn't spring.
I am starry-eyed and vaguely discontented.
Like a nightingale without a song to sing.
Oh, why should I have spring fever?
When it isn't even spring.
I keep wishing I were somewhere else.
Walking down a strange new street.
Hearing words that I have never heard.
From a girl I've yet to meet.
I'm as busy as a spider's spring day dream.
I'm as giddy as a baby on a swing.
I haven't seen a crocus or a rosebud.
Or a robin on a wing.
But I feel so gay in a melancholy way.
That it might as well be spring.
It might as well be spring.
No kidding, I love it when you sing it better be spring.
You mean it might as well be spring.
Excuse me, fellas, looks like good nights are in order.
I guess so, Gordy, and I hope you haven't taken Jerry seriously.
Listen here, Dean, you don't have to say that about me.
I make just as much as you do, you know.
Jerry, you don't discuss money in front of a guest.
Yes, so what's his agent doing in the hall?
He's doing nothing, Jerry, but he's...
He ain't holding out his hand for halivy, you know.
You'd better quit, Gordy, we're still alive, you know.
Well, thanks very much, fellas, it's been really fun.
And it's really been fun.
Gordon McCrack.
Good night, Gordy.
And now if we can get serious for just a moment, ladies and gentlemen,
we'd like to say, Gordy, you've been a real great sport.
And friends, Dean and I have just been appointed
National Entertainment Chairman for the Muscular Dystrophy Association.
And we feel deeply honored to be associated with such a worthy cause.
We're deeply grateful to those who have sent in your contributions,
contributions that were laid in the research that may lick this dread disease.
Please remember that more and more money is needed
because you are the only ones that can help the poor and fortunate
to suffer from this incurable disease.
Let's all pitch in and help find this much-needed cure.
Please mail your contributions to MDA,
21 East 40th Street, New York City, New York.
That's MDA, 21 East 40th Street, New York City, New York.
Thank you.
Well, folks, until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis reminding you that we appear on radio
through the courtesy of Howe Wallace Productions,
producers of our latest picture, Sailor Beware.
Night, everybody.
Good night.
APPLAUSE
Round off for Chesterfield.
For the first time, you'll get the cigarette that's much milder
with the added protection of no unpleasant aftertaste.
And by Aniston for fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia.
APPLAUSE
Martin and Lewis are on NBC, the national broadcasting company.