Transcribed.
From Hollywood we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are brought to you by Anison for fast relief from pain of headache,
neuritis and neuralgia, by Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor, by Beeman's pepsin,
the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion too, and by Chesterfield,
the cigarette that's much milder with the added protection of no unpleasant aftertaste,
no unpleasant aftertaste confirmed by a leading research organization.
And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our master of ceremonies, Dean Martin.
Thank you. Well, hi folks.
Well, sir, it's time for some songs, some laughs and a little light banter with our special guest of the evening.
I see that my partner isn't among these presents, so in the hopes that I sneak it in before he gets here,
let's go Down Yonder.
Oh, you're simply grand down Yonder when the folks get the news
Don't you wonder at the hollow balloon
There's Grampy and Granny, there's Ephraim and Sammy
Waiting down yonder for me
There's Grampy and Granny, there's Ephraim and Sammy
Waiting down yonder, waiting down yonder, waiting down yonder for me
There's Ephraim and Sammy
Waiting down yonder, waiting down yonder, waiting down yonder for me
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. And now I'd like to...
Hey Dean, down yonder where you're burning.
Oh, now what is it with you, Jay? Every time you walk out, it's bedlam and confusion.
Bedlam and confusion? What ever happened to Martin and Lewis?
Honestly, Jay, you get me so mad that I'm actually beside myself.
Yeah? What are you going to call yourselves, Martin and Martin?
Has it ever occurred to you? Has it ever occurred to you that you're being downright cantankerous?
Has it ever occurred to you that I don't know what cantankerous means?
You know, Jerry, I get so mad for two cents I'd give up the whole thing.
Two cents? Yeah. I'll see that and raise you five.
I'll call with a pair of aces. What do you got? I have a full house.
You have a full house? Yeah, Angie and Uncle Barney are here for the winter.
Look, Jay, I don't care about your family.
Uh-uh, now you did it, boy. That's the last insult. Next, the straw that broke the camel's foot.
You mean the camel's back? No, foot. It was a low throw.
Well, Jerry, if you're that unhappy, there's only one thing to do. Let's dissolve the partnership.
Dissolve the partnership?
Yes, Jerry, we're all warched up. Finished.
We're...
Yes?
We're actually...
Why must we repeat this so often? I don't know about you, but I'm cleaning between the teeth.
Oh. Stop, Jerry, I surrender. No more arguments. Now what do we do?
You remember a long time ago when we did that dramatic scene between a father and a son?
Yeah.
Well, a lot of people wrote us and asked us if we would do it a game for them, so I thought...
If it's okay with you, then it's okay with me, too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, nice of me. All righty.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry and I give you our impression of a father trying to put his small son to sleep.
Little man, you're crying.
I'm only two years old, I'm entitled.
I know why you're blue.
The sand in my talcum powder.
Someone took your kitty car away.
It was mother she's hated me for years.
Better go to sleep now.
I can't. I'm on the night shift.
Little man, you've had a busy day.
What busy? I was up at five, burned down the garage, pushed grandma into the garbage disposal,
cut paper dolls out of the living room rug. I was due at ten o'clock and I've been loafing all day.
You've been playing soldier.
Who's playing? We're shipping out tonight.
The battle has been won.
It was easy. I used real bullets.
The enemy is out of sight.
They just haven't any guts.
Come along there soldier.
Take your filthy hands off me.
Put away your gun.
Just one shot at mother.
The war is over for tonight.
That's what you think. I set a time bomb under Herbie's crib.
Time to stop your scheming.
Someone has to think around here. Good heavens if I left things up to you last week you didn't even heat the milk.
Time your day was through.
It ain't even dark yet dad.
Can't you hear the bugle softly say.
Do you really think that bugle talks?
Time you should be dreaming.
Have a nightmare. I just saw Uncle Milty.
Little man.
You slipped that in on me you have.
A busy day.
I'm getting sleepy.
Little man you had a busy day.
Well now that we've had our busy day let's turn some business over to Jimmy Wallington.
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Well every singer has a different method of picking songs that are good for him.
I've been using the system the past year or so that has given me a pretty good batting average.
When I want to do a song I just turn to Mac Gray my recording manager and I if he nods his head I sing.
If he shakes his head I forget it.
Well Mac Gray gave five emphatic nods to this one which should make it a five star special.
So Ricardo if you don't mind.
If your sweetheart sends a letter of goodbye
It's no secret you'll feel better if you cry
When waking from a bad dream
Don't you sometimes think it's real
But it's only false emotions that you feel
If your heartaches seem to hang around too long
And your blues keep getting bluer with each song
Remember sunshine can be found behind a cloudy sky
So let your hair down and go on and cry
Remember sunshine can be found behind a cloudy sky
So let your hair down and go on and cry
Well thank you very much and right now let's all listen to the wonderful voice of Mr. Jimmy Wallington.
Thanks Dean and now here's something of interest to everybody.
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Well ladies and gentlemen, our guest tonight is one of Hollywood's finest actors.
We've all enjoyed his wonderful portrayals in Born Yesterday, Sunset Boulevard and many other great motion pictures.
Such as his current Paramount release, Submarine Command.
Let's all say hello to our very good friend, William Holden.
Thank you folks. Hi Dean.
Bill, it's really very good to have you with us tonight.
But tell me, what's with that new haircut? Why so short?
Well Dean, we're starting to film Stalag 17 and the story takes place in a German prisoner of war camp.
So all the players have to wear the short crew cuts.
You know it's almost like my partner's haircut. I'll bet...
Hey Dean, hey Dean, have you seen my...
Dean, you have another partner.
Bill, I guess you know, this is Jerry Lew.
Oh I know who it is. Now tell me, what is it?
See how you affect people? You talk like a man with two heads, Jerry.
Yeah, well if I have two heads, what's my other one doing on him?
Listen kid, if I happen to look like you, believe me, no one regrets it any more than I do.
Yeah, so how come you got your haircut like me?
Well it's not exactly like you. I understand yours is cut from the inside.
Don't you let him bother you, Bill. Just sort of brush him right off, you know.
Nobody brushes me off, buddy. The name of this act is Dean Martin and Jerry Lew, it's not Dean Martin and Lin.
Now let's not have any private feuds, yeah? Right now say hello to Bill Holden.
Alrighty, so you're Holden.
That's right.
Well put it down!
Put what down?
I don't know, whoever you're holding.
Now look Jerry, let's not kid with Bill Holden. He happens to be one of our finest actors.
Gee, I didn't realize he was a movie star. Hey Mr. Holden, you must know all the other movie stars, huh?
Yes, I do.
You do? Well tell me, is Ava Gardner really Frank Sinatra's nursemaid?
Well I...
Is Cary Grant Stimple really an ingrown wart?
When Rita Hayworth poses for cheesecake, do they really cover her with sour cream?
Dean, I imagine you have quite a time with this idiot.
Never mind the imagining, buddy. Just read what it says on a paper.
You know something Dean, if this kid had curls I'd swear he was another Judy Holliday.
Hear now, I won't have anyone say I'm like Judy Holliday. I saw her in Born Yesterday and she played like she was real dumb and mixed up and muddle headed and...
And then she's dumb and everything, you know what?
What?
I know what you mean.
Say Bill, since you did the picture too, what say we whip up a batch of Born Yesterday right now?
Well that's okay with me Dean, let's ring up the curtain.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the outstanding movies last year was Columbia Pictures superb comedy, Born Yesterday.
For those of you who may have missed it, we take great pleasure in presenting the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis version of this great screen achievement.
In tonight's production, the part of Paul will be recreated by William Holden.
Brock, the millionaire junk dealer, will be played by Dean Martin.
And the part of Billy, the adorable creature that no man can resist, will be played by...
Well don't just sit there, somebody hand me an eyebrow pencil.
Our scene is the lavish Washington Hotel suite of Brock Barton.
Brock seems to be looking for Billy.
Billy, Billy, where are you?
I'm over here Brock, sipping a martini.
A martini, but your glass is empty.
I like them very dry.
Hey, what's that on your finger?
Billy, did you buy another diamond?
I couldn't help it, and this morning I looked at myself in the mirror and I was so beautiful, I proposed.
Hey Billy, where were you all day at?
I went to see the African Queen with Humphrey Hepburn.
Don't you mean Humphrey Bogart?
Oh gracious, was he in it too?
Well I got a guy that's going to teach you some intellect, he's going to be your tutor.
My tutor? What do you think I am, a bugle?
Never mind.
Hey Paul, come on in.
Oh sure thing Mr. Martin, I was a...my what a beautiful girl.
Oh you just imagine I'm beautiful.
I imagine nothing, I just read what's on the paper.
Look Paul, I want you to learn this dumb babe everything you know about manners.
Listen to who's talking, he drinks milk through a straw.
Oh but lots of people drink milk through a straw.
A straw hat?
Well I had enough of this Paul, you educate this dame and I'll be back in ten minutes.
Well Billy, Billy, now that's a funny name for a girl. What's your real name?
You won't laugh?
No. What was your name?
Harriet S. Truman.
Harriet S. Truman?
Yeah, I was named after my Uncle Harry.
Well you certainly must be proud of your uncle.
What proud? You haven't heard from him in years.
Well you know he's president don't you?
Yeah, how do you like that?
Just couldn't make a go without haberdashery.
Alright, alright, now let's start with your education. Where should we begin?
Begin where all the boys begin, try to get me loaded.
Look, never mind that, now tell me, don't you have any interest in books, music or art?
Oh yes, I love art.
Which art?
Art Linklennner.
Oh I see, your interest is in men. Alright, how about a kiss?
You make just one cast at me buster and I'll slap myself.
You'll slap yourself?
I'd slap you but why should I louse up the afternoon?
Now come on, now look out that window. See those two little birds out on that branch with their heads close together?
That's what we should be doing.
Don't be silly, that little branch couldn't hold us.
Hey, hey, get off my lap, here comes Brock.
Alright you two, before we go any farther I want to make one thing clear.
What's that?
I haven't had a line in three pages.
You haven't?
Yeah.
Don't be mad, Brock.
Ah shut up Billy.
Now what were you doing on Paul's lap?
Brock, we might as well face it. I'm in love with Billy.
Please boys, please boys.
Boys, don't fight over me. I will choose between you.
Okay, go ahead Billy.
Well, first there's you Paul. You may not have a penny in your pocket.
You may be poor and downtrodden but you can hold your head up high.
Yes?
Then there's you Brock. You've robbed and cheated all your life.
And all you have to show for it is a few million dollars but Paul can hold his head up high.
You know, the one with you who wants a guy with a high head.
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Well when I was a kid I was sure I knew more than mom and pop and when they insisted on something that was for my own good I would put up a fight.
Well mom finally discovered how to stop that. She knew my weakness for songs and she found one song that made me give up.
That's when my nose were most violent. She put this record on and I couldn't help singing.
We played a game of stay away
But it cost more than I can pay
Without you I can't make my way
I surrendered it
I may seem proud
I may again
It's just a pose
I'm not that way
Cause deep down in my heart I'll say
I surrendered it
Little mean things we were doing
Must have been part of the game
Blamed and spied to the moon
But I don't care who's to blame
When stars appear and shadows fall
Why then you'll hear my poor heart call
To you my life, my love, my all
I surrendered it
When stars appear and shadows fall
Why then you'll hear my poor heart call
To you my life, my love, my all
I surrendered it
Dean, I think you're the best singer in the whole world. Thank you Jerry. Thank you very much. Dean, you're supposed to say something now. I did. I said thank you. Over here, Dean, in the middle of the page. Oh yeah. And I think you're the best comedian in the world.
You said that like the world was ending.
Well is this a private fight or can anybody get in?
Hey Bill, I might ask you something before. You made a picture called Summering Command, which is about submarines and you play a tall handsome officer. We made a picture called Sailor Beware, which is also about submarines and I play a skinny, janky sailor. So I'll come.
Well, Jeff, Bill Holden is tall and handsome, so they cast him as a tall handsome officer. Oh, I get it. And they cast me as a skinny, janky sailor because I'm skinny and janky.
Come on, Jerry, don't feel that way. Someday they'll cast you as a tall handsome hero. Oh, sure. And someday they'll cast Marjorie Maine as Cleopatra. Yeah.
Well, I don't care. Somebody thinks I'm tall and handsome. Me.
Boys, it's been great fun. I really enjoyed it.
Well, thank you, Bill. You're a welcome guest anytime you want to join us again.
Yeah, Bill, you're all right in my book.
Good night. Good night, Dean and Jerry. Good night, Bill. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you don't mind our getting serious for just a moment, we'd like to give our heartfelt thanks to all of you who have sent contributions to the Muscular Dystrophy Association.
And for those of you who haven't contributed as yet, please give this wonderful charity a little thought.
In this age of miracles, it is a horrible thing to think that there is still a disease that is incurable.
Somewhere there must be a cure for muscular dystrophy, and your contributions will help our wonderful scientists to find it.
Please mail your contributions to MDA New York 8 New York. That's MDA, Muscular Dystrophy Association, New York 8 New York. Thank you.
So until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis reminding you that we appear on radio through the courtesy of Howe Wallace Productions, producers of our latest picture, Sailor Beware.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
From Hollywood, you have just heard transcribed the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis Show, written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear, produced and directed by Dick Mack, with music under the direction of Dick Stabiel.
Brought to you by Anison, for faster relief from pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia.
By Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
By Beeman's Pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion, too.
And by Chesterfield.
Sound off for Chesterfield.
And get the cigarette that's much milder, with the added protection of no unpleasant aftertaste.
William Holden is currently being seen in the Paramount Picture, Submarine Command.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.