From Hollywood we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are brought to you by Denteen, the gum with breathtaking
flavor, by Beeman's pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your
digestion too, by Chesterfield. Chesterfields are much milder and from
the report of a well-known research organization Chesterfield leaves no
unpleasant aftertaste and by Anison for fast relief from pain of headache,
neuritis and neuralgia. And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our
master of ceremonies Dean Martin.
Well, a little man the control booth just gave the go signal which means we're off
on another 30 minute ride over the killer sackles. Jerry, my undernourished
partner seems to be a little late tonight so while I'm waiting for the
anchor that's usually around my neck I'd like to sing about the rainbow around
my shoulder. So Ricardo let's it go.
There's a rainbow round my shoulder and a sky of blue above. For the sun shines bright, the world's alright cause I'm in love.
There's a rainbow round my shoulder and it fits me like a glove. Let it blow and storm but I'll be warm cause I'm in love.
Hallelujah how the folks will stare when they see that diamond solitaire that my
little sugar baby is gonna wear. Yes sir there's a rainbow round my shoulder and a sky of blue above.
And I'm shouting so the world will know that I'm in love.
Hallelujah how the folks will stare when they see that diamond solitaire that my
little sugar baby is gonna wear. Yes sir there's a rainbow round my shoulder and a
sky of blue above. And I'm shouting so the world will know that I'm in love.
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. And now folks it becomes my pleasure.
There's a rainbow round my nostrils.
Very, very, once and for all. Don't come out screaming. I don't want you to do that. How many times must I tell you?
As often as you like boobie. I don't be an idiot. Honestly sometimes I think you must have the smallest, the tiniest brain in the whole world.
Smaller than our pit? Yep. Smaller than a pumpkin seed? Uh huh. Smaller than a BB?
Right. Good heavens, no wonder I'm an idiot. Jerry is it possible that you were actually born?
Listen here Dean Martin, you know very well I was born. I was born in Chicago, Salt Lake City, Omaha, and Newark.
You were born in four different towns? Sure, mother was a stoker and a super chief.
Jerry, now look how you fool around, you're young Jerry. You should be working to perfect your talent.
Why when I was your age I always had my nose to the grindstone. Your nose was to the grindstone?
Certainly. You lied about the plastic surgeon?
Alright Jerry that does it. I quit. You quit?
What you need is a vacation. Dean why don't you go up to Mexico?
Down to Mexico. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
Let's go on the swings now, I'm nauseous.
Tell me Jerry, why are you so crazy? What makes you this way?
Well when I was six years old mother had her ears pierced.
Now what's that got to do with it?
Nothing. And I bet we never find a place for that line.
No. I guess it's time we changed the subject anyhow. Who's our first guest?
Well tonight we're supposed to have that fellow who knows all about good eating.
Oh you mean Conrad Von Crunch, the famous gourmet? Didn't I tell you he's not coming?
I don't make believe I'm Von Crunch and no one will be the wiser.
Alrighty ladies and gentlemen, a few months ago we were honored with a visit from that internationally famous connoisseur of fine food, Mr. Conrad Von Crunch.
Tonight, Herr Von Crunch has graciously consented to pay us a return visit to discuss the world's eating habits.
Here he is, the foremost epicure of our generation and Mr. Von Crunch, how are you?
Oh, the whole stomach is aching.
You probably ate something that didn't agree with you.
Disagree? It feels like a fist fight down there.
Would you mind telling me what made you sick?
One day I get sick from breast of guinea hen under the glass.
Well I didn't know you get sick from guinea hen under the glass.
Who knew it was under the glass?
Ha!
Still, no one knows food like you Herr Von Crunch. Tell me, what's your favorite meat dish?
I have many favorites. There is meat a la Stromboli, meat a la Rinni Adori and meat Danny Wilson.
Oh, meat Danny Wilson? But that's the name of a movie with Frank Sinatra.
With Frank Sinatra? It is not meat Danny Wilson, it is skin and bone Danny Wilson.
As a gourmet, what in your opinion is the greatest delicacy?
More than anything I like Romanov caviar on pumperdime bread.
Not pumperdime, it's pumpernickel.
When's the last time you went shopping?
Ah, see what you mean. Food prices are pretty high.
Pretty high? Oh, off to Liba.
I see now where A1 source is now up to A2.
Gosh, I hope prices don't keep rising like that. Some of us will miss a lot of meals, you know.
I am used to it though. Only last night I missed Zubba.
Well, how'd that happen?
Well, my Uncle Ludwig was sick and the eyes were blue and my wife was supposed to bring him a pint of blood,
but instead of the blood she brought him my borscht.
Well, that's terrible. How does Uncle Ludwig feel?
How would you feel with a boiled potato in your vein?
I was wondering Herr von Kranze, what do you consider the most important thing next to a hearty appetite?
Well, I would say the first thing is to have your ears pierced.
What?
You see, just like I said, it don't fit there either.
Well, thank you, Mr. von Kranze.
Well, now that Jerry has had a chance to give some advice on a subject he knows nothing about,
I think it's about time we gave Jimmy Wallington a chance to give some advice on something he knows everything about.
Thanks, Dean. And now here's something of interest to everybody.
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Well, the other day I had a date to cut a few records,
and one of the new ones really hit me fancy.
In hopes that you folks will feel the same way about it, I'm going to give it a run through right now.
Until you find the one you want to want you. Until you find his eyes constantly haunt you.
Until no other love can thrill you.
You'll never know the glory of a heart in love.
Until you're swept away with an emotion.
As high as stars above, as great as the ocean.
Don't say you've been in love, for it isn't true.
Until you love someone as I love you.
Don't say you've been in love, for it isn't true.
Until you love someone as I love you.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
That was a fine job, Dean. And now we'd like to follow up with some important information.
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I know that our guest tonight is one of your favorites, and she certainly is one of ours.
Here is one of Hollywood's most talented actresses, easily one of the most beautiful women on the screen,
and a very wonderful gal, Miss Linda Darnell.
Well, thanks for that lovely introduction, Dean.
You seem a little upset tonight. What's wrong?
Oh, gosh, Dean, who wouldn't be upset?
You know, before the show, I was in the control booth, and that partner of yours opened the door and poked his head in.
Well, what's wrong with that?
Lots of people poke their heads into the control booth.
On the end of a stick?
Jerry won't give you any trouble, Linda. He'll take one look at that beautiful face and...
Hey, Dean, Dean, where's the...
Good heavens.
I guess I must have passed away.
Jerry, what makes you think you're dead?
I see an angel.
But Jerry, I'm not an angel.
You're not in heaven?
Of course not.
I wonder the little white cloud is crying.
Don't look now, Linda, but I think the kid has fallen for you.
Gosh, look how my lips quiver. My heart pounds, my head throbs, my spine vibrates, and my knees shake.
He's not falling for me. He's falling apart.
Right.
Jerry, you're talking to Linda Darnell. Now, get a grip on yourself.
Better I should talk to myself and get the grip on Linda Darnell.
Oh, easy, Jerry. That's no way to talk to a lady of Miss Darnell's stature.
Here, now. She ain't no statue.
Look at her laugh. Look at her laugh.
Ever see a slab of cement move like that?
Well, you got me there, Jerry. Tell me, Linda, how does a girl get so beautiful?
Well, Dean, you'd be surprised what can be done with just a little makeup.
Oh, I know all about that. I had a girl once, and she used waffle makeup.
No, no, Jerry. You mean cake makeup.
No, waffles. She had holes in her face.
You sure know the strangest people.
Oh, that's nothing. My brother Harry used to look just like you.
Your brother Harry looked like Linda Darnell? Why? That's crazy.
That's just what I told him. Harry, I said, it's crazy for you to run around looking like Linda Darnell.
And what did Harry say?
Nothing. His mouth was full of bobby pins.
Hey, Jerry, your brother must have been quite a ladies' man.
No, I'm the ladies' man in the family. Once I dated Rita Hayward, and we parked at Eagle Rock.
Then I took out Lana Turner, and we parked at Eagle Rock.
Then I took out Janet Leigh, and we parked at Eagle Rock.
Say, that sounds exciting.
What exciting? You see one eagle, you've seen them all.
Linda, Linda, before he drives you mad, suppose we head into our sketch for tonight.
Well, that sounds swell, Dean. Hey, what kind of a play are we doing?
Well, it's kind of special. So, uh, supposing we let Jimmy Warmington take it from him.
Ladies and gentlemen, for many weeks, the great American public has been warned by day and by night of a very important event.
Shrimp boats is a-comin'.
The shrimp boats are coming!
Shrimp boats is a-comin'.
Alright, so where are they ready?
Tonight, our stars will endeavor to answer the question that has been plaguing the nation.
What's been keeping the shrimp boats?
We take you now to a small fishing schooner making its lonely way through the green waters of the Gulf Coast.
It is piloted by that fearless shrimp runner, Captain Bluff.
Mr. Christian! Mr. Christian!
Where is it, Captain?
Come up here on the poop deck and make it fast!
Now, die, why?
I'm lonely, sir.
Captain, the men are ready to mutiny. They can't stand the food.
I don't understand it! Just look at this menu, shrimp cocktail, shrimp salad, dish, shrimp pie, shrimp fried shrimp and shrimp jubilee.
Tell me the truth, Christian.
Are the men tired of shrimp?
Well, it's worse than that, Captain.
Then what is it?
We ran out of cocktail sauce.
Good heavens, we must get back to shore.
And who knows the weight?
Just turn left when we come to that school of herring we saw the other day.
But this is a big ocean. How can we find the school of herring?
Simple, I marked it with a spoonful of sour cream.
Captain! Captain! Captain! Look what just came up in the shrimp net.
Hi, fellas.
Ah, you very.
Holy smoke, that's the biggest shrimp I ever caught.
Easy, Captain, that's a girl.
How would I know? I've been at sea for four years.
Four years at sea? Well, Captain, I brought you something you haven't seen in a long, long time.
Oh, good, you brought cocktail sauce.
Captain, we'd better get her out of the way before the men see her.
I'd better hide her in my cabin.
I'm supposed to be the captain, and I'll hide her in my cabin.
Hey, don't I have anything to say about this?
Sure, go ahead, baby. Make your choice.
What cabin are the shrimps in?
Don't listen to her, Captain. She's just a stowaway.
I don't know what she stowaway, but she sure stowed it in the right place.
Well, since we here got her aboard, Captain, maybe we'd better give her a job or two.
Okay, she can start making shrimp nets.
But I don't know how to make nets.
It's simple, just take a few holes and tie them together with string.
Ah, gee, Captain.
Captain, you know everything about the sea.
It must be wonderful to spend your life like this.
Yes, it's the greatest life in the world.
Why, when I stand on the deck of my own stout craft,
the wind blowing in my face, the spray blowing on my neck,
the boat rolling and weaving underneath me,
it's then that I look up to the sky and say,
uh, uh, uh.
Ah, we're wasting time, Captain.
Mr. Christian, hoist them as mess, lower the jib,
throw the starboard and check the wreck.
Oh, Captain, Captain, you're taking the shrimp boats home at last.
Oh, Captain, Captain, I'm so happy I could kiss you.
How about me don't I get a kiss?
Of course, Mr. Christian, here's your kiss.
Captain, you pushed him overboard.
Well, it looks like we're alone, just you and me.
Yeah, baby, just you and me, not but the two of us.
We're really going to get to know each other,
and I might as well get started by popping a big question.
Go on, darling, ask me.
Ask me anything.
Did you really bring the cocktail sauce?
Well, as we anchor the shrimp boats for the night,
it's time to go ashore and listen to Jimmy Wallington.
Thank you, Dean.
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A number of years ago when I was struggling to get a foothold
in this wonderful world we call show business,
I went through a pretty bad period.
The brakes weren't coming, and I got into the habit
of walking around with a face a mile long.
Well, one day I was parked in a little café,
growling at the waitress when the jukebox struck up a song,
and the lyrics hit me right between the eyes.
The words sunk into my mind, and they never left.
And they tell of a wonderful philosophy
that everybody should bear in mind.
When you're smiling, when you're smiling,
when you're laughing, oh, when you're laughing,
the sun comes shining through.
But when you're crying, you bring on the rain,
so stop your sighing.
Be happy again, keep on smiling,
because when you're smiling,
the whole world smiles with you.
The whole world smiles with you.
Applause
Gee, Dean, that song was so terrific.
I sure hope my Uncle Myron heard it.
Why?
Because if he listened to the words,
maybe he'd smile once in a while.
He never smiled.
What's the matter with him?
No sense of humor?
No, no teeth.
No teeth.
Say, Dean, Dean, I'd like to add my vote of confidence.
That was a wonderful job.
Well, thank you, Linda.
I wish this was an hour show.
Why?
I like her.
I like you too, Jerry.
And I want to thank you both for a lot of laughs tonight.
Thank you, Linda, and come again real soon, huh?
That goes double, triple, and quadruple for me, Linda.
Good night, boys.
Good night, everybody.
Good night, Aunt Mary.
Applause
Ladies and gentlemen, if you don't mind this idiot getting serious for a moment,
we'd like very much to give our heartfelt thanks to all of you who have sent contributions to the Muscular Dystrophy Association.
And for those of you who haven't contributed as yet, please give this wonderful charity a little thought.
In this age of miracles, it is a horrible thing to think that there is still a disease that is incurable.
Somewhere there must be a cure for muscular dystrophy, and your contributions will help our wonderful scientists to find it.
Please mail your contributions to MDA, New York 8, New York.
That's MDA, Muscular Dystrophy Association, New York 8, New York.
Thank you.
Well, folks, until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis reminding you that we appear on radio through the courtesy of Howe Wallace Productions,
producers of our current picture, Sailor Beware.
Night, everybody.
Good night.
Applause
From Hollywood you have just heard transcribed, the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis Show, written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear,
produced and directed by Dick Mack, with music under the direction of Dick Stabiel.
Brought to you by Dendine, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
Beeman's pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion, too.
By Chesterfield, Chesterfield's are much milder.
And from the report of a well-known research organization, Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste.
And by Anison, for fast relief from pain of headache, ureitis, and uralgia.
Live to Darn, Al can soon be seen in the David E. Rose Technicolor Production, Saturday Island.
Applause