WEBVTT

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From Hollywood we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.

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Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are brought to you by Denteen, the gum with breathtaking

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flavor, by Beeman's pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your

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digestion too, by Chesterfield. Chesterfields are much milder and from

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the report of a well-known research organization Chesterfield leaves no

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unpleasant aftertaste and by Anison for fast relief from pain of headache,

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neuritis and neuralgia. And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our

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master of ceremonies Dean Martin.

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Well, a little man the control booth just gave the go signal which means we're off

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on another 30 minute ride over the killer sackles. Jerry, my undernourished

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partner seems to be a little late tonight so while I'm waiting for the

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anchor that's usually around my neck I'd like to sing about the rainbow around

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my shoulder. So Ricardo let's it go.

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There's a rainbow round my shoulder and a sky of blue above. For the sun shines bright, the world's alright cause I'm in love.

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There's a rainbow round my shoulder and it fits me like a glove. Let it blow and storm but I'll be warm cause I'm in love.

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Hallelujah how the folks will stare when they see that diamond solitaire that my

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little sugar baby is gonna wear. Yes sir there's a rainbow round my shoulder and a sky of blue above.

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And I'm shouting so the world will know that I'm in love.

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Hallelujah how the folks will stare when they see that diamond solitaire that my

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little sugar baby is gonna wear. Yes sir there's a rainbow round my shoulder and a

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sky of blue above. And I'm shouting so the world will know that I'm in love.

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Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. And now folks it becomes my pleasure.

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There's a rainbow round my nostrils.

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Very, very, once and for all. Don't come out screaming. I don't want you to do that. How many times must I tell you?

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As often as you like boobie. I don't be an idiot. Honestly sometimes I think you must have the smallest, the tiniest brain in the whole world.

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Smaller than our pit? Yep. Smaller than a pumpkin seed? Uh huh. Smaller than a BB?

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Right. Good heavens, no wonder I'm an idiot. Jerry is it possible that you were actually born?

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Listen here Dean Martin, you know very well I was born. I was born in Chicago, Salt Lake City, Omaha, and Newark.

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You were born in four different towns? Sure, mother was a stoker and a super chief.

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Jerry, now look how you fool around, you're young Jerry. You should be working to perfect your talent.

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Why when I was your age I always had my nose to the grindstone. Your nose was to the grindstone?

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Certainly. You lied about the plastic surgeon?

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Alright Jerry that does it. I quit. You quit?

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What you need is a vacation. Dean why don't you go up to Mexico?

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Down to Mexico. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.

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Let's go on the swings now, I'm nauseous.

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Tell me Jerry, why are you so crazy? What makes you this way?

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Well when I was six years old mother had her ears pierced.

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Now what's that got to do with it?

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Nothing. And I bet we never find a place for that line.

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No. I guess it's time we changed the subject anyhow. Who's our first guest?

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Well tonight we're supposed to have that fellow who knows all about good eating.

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Oh you mean Conrad Von Crunch, the famous gourmet? Didn't I tell you he's not coming?

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I don't make believe I'm Von Crunch and no one will be the wiser.

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Alrighty ladies and gentlemen, a few months ago we were honored with a visit from that internationally famous connoisseur of fine food, Mr. Conrad Von Crunch.

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Tonight, Herr Von Crunch has graciously consented to pay us a return visit to discuss the world's eating habits.

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Here he is, the foremost epicure of our generation and Mr. Von Crunch, how are you?

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Oh, the whole stomach is aching.

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You probably ate something that didn't agree with you.

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Disagree? It feels like a fist fight down there.

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Would you mind telling me what made you sick?

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One day I get sick from breast of guinea hen under the glass.

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Well I didn't know you get sick from guinea hen under the glass.

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Who knew it was under the glass?

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Ha!

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Still, no one knows food like you Herr Von Crunch. Tell me, what's your favorite meat dish?

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I have many favorites. There is meat a la Stromboli, meat a la Rinni Adori and meat Danny Wilson.

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Oh, meat Danny Wilson? But that's the name of a movie with Frank Sinatra.

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With Frank Sinatra? It is not meat Danny Wilson, it is skin and bone Danny Wilson.

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As a gourmet, what in your opinion is the greatest delicacy?

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More than anything I like Romanov caviar on pumperdime bread.

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Not pumperdime, it's pumpernickel.

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When's the last time you went shopping?

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Ah, see what you mean. Food prices are pretty high.

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Pretty high? Oh, off to Liba.

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I see now where A1 source is now up to A2.

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Gosh, I hope prices don't keep rising like that. Some of us will miss a lot of meals, you know.

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I am used to it though. Only last night I missed Zubba.

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Well, how'd that happen?

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Well, my Uncle Ludwig was sick and the eyes were blue and my wife was supposed to bring him a pint of blood,

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but instead of the blood she brought him my borscht.

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Well, that's terrible. How does Uncle Ludwig feel?

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How would you feel with a boiled potato in your vein?

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I was wondering Herr von Kranze, what do you consider the most important thing next to a hearty appetite?

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Well, I would say the first thing is to have your ears pierced.

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What?

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You see, just like I said, it don't fit there either.

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Well, thank you, Mr. von Kranze.

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Well, now that Jerry has had a chance to give some advice on a subject he knows nothing about,

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I think it's about time we gave Jimmy Wallington a chance to give some advice on something he knows everything about.

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Thanks, Dean. And now here's something of interest to everybody.

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For breathless moments, for your breathless moments,

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chew dentine, the gum with breath-taking flavor.

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Dentine helps keep your teeth sparkling clean and white.

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Before you go out and always after eating, drinking, smoking, refresh your breath with dentine.

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You'll love dentine chewing gum, for dentine has a wonderful, tingling, nippy flavor that lingers on and on.

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It's delicious. And remember, dentine helps keep your teeth white too.

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Keep dentine handy. You'll enjoy refreshing your breath when you chew dentine.

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So for breathless moments, for your breathless moments,

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chew dentine, the gum with breath-taking flavor.

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Well, the other day I had a date to cut a few records,

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and one of the new ones really hit me fancy.

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In hopes that you folks will feel the same way about it, I'm going to give it a run through right now.

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Until you find the one you want to want you. Until you find his eyes constantly haunt you.

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Until no other love can thrill you.

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You'll never know the glory of a heart in love.

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Until you're swept away with an emotion.

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As high as stars above, as great as the ocean.

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Don't say you've been in love, for it isn't true.

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Until you love someone as I love you.

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Don't say you've been in love, for it isn't true.

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Until you love someone as I love you.

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Thank you. Thank you very much.

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That was a fine job, Dean. And now we'd like to follow up with some important information.

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Ladies and gentlemen, if the recent Federal Trade Commission decision has made you wonder about the contents of your cigarette,

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you can be glad if you're smoking Chesterfield.

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Chesterfield gives you scientific facts and names its ingredients.

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Chesterfield uses tobaccos pre-tested by laboratory instruments for the most desirable smoking qualities,

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and kept tasty and fresh by the only tried and tested hygroscopic or moistening agents,

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proven by over 40 years of continuous use in USA tobacco products as entirely safe for use in the mouth.

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Pure natural sugars and chemically pure harmless glycerol.

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Nothing else.

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Chesterfield has the newest and most modern research laboratories and factories, staffed by experts.

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Outside, independent consultants include many eminent scientists from leading universities.

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Chesterfield has, for your smoking pleasure and protection, every advantage known to modern science.

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I know that our guest tonight is one of your favorites, and she certainly is one of ours.

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Here is one of Hollywood's most talented actresses, easily one of the most beautiful women on the screen,

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and a very wonderful gal, Miss Linda Darnell.

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Well, thanks for that lovely introduction, Dean.

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You seem a little upset tonight. What's wrong?

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Oh, gosh, Dean, who wouldn't be upset?

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You know, before the show, I was in the control booth, and that partner of yours opened the door and poked his head in.

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Well, what's wrong with that?

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Lots of people poke their heads into the control booth.

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On the end of a stick?

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Jerry won't give you any trouble, Linda. He'll take one look at that beautiful face and...

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Hey, Dean, Dean, where's the...

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Good heavens.

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I guess I must have passed away.

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Jerry, what makes you think you're dead?

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I see an angel.

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But Jerry, I'm not an angel.

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You're not in heaven?

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Of course not.

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I wonder the little white cloud is crying.

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Don't look now, Linda, but I think the kid has fallen for you.

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Gosh, look how my lips quiver. My heart pounds, my head throbs, my spine vibrates, and my knees shake.

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He's not falling for me. He's falling apart.

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Right.

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Jerry, you're talking to Linda Darnell. Now, get a grip on yourself.

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Better I should talk to myself and get the grip on Linda Darnell.

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Oh, easy, Jerry. That's no way to talk to a lady of Miss Darnell's stature.

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Here, now. She ain't no statue.

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Look at her laugh. Look at her laugh.

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Ever see a slab of cement move like that?

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Well, you got me there, Jerry. Tell me, Linda, how does a girl get so beautiful?

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Well, Dean, you'd be surprised what can be done with just a little makeup.

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Oh, I know all about that. I had a girl once, and she used waffle makeup.

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No, no, Jerry. You mean cake makeup.

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No, waffles. She had holes in her face.

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You sure know the strangest people.

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Oh, that's nothing. My brother Harry used to look just like you.

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Your brother Harry looked like Linda Darnell? Why? That's crazy.

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That's just what I told him. Harry, I said, it's crazy for you to run around looking like Linda Darnell.

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And what did Harry say?

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Nothing. His mouth was full of bobby pins.

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Hey, Jerry, your brother must have been quite a ladies' man.

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No, I'm the ladies' man in the family. Once I dated Rita Hayward, and we parked at Eagle Rock.

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Then I took out Lana Turner, and we parked at Eagle Rock.

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Then I took out Janet Leigh, and we parked at Eagle Rock.

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Say, that sounds exciting.

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What exciting? You see one eagle, you've seen them all.

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Linda, Linda, before he drives you mad, suppose we head into our sketch for tonight.

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Well, that sounds swell, Dean. Hey, what kind of a play are we doing?

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Well, it's kind of special. So, uh, supposing we let Jimmy Warmington take it from him.

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Ladies and gentlemen, for many weeks, the great American public has been warned by day and by night of a very important event.

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Shrimp boats is a-comin'.

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The shrimp boats are coming!

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Shrimp boats is a-comin'.

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Alright, so where are they ready?

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Tonight, our stars will endeavor to answer the question that has been plaguing the nation.

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What's been keeping the shrimp boats?

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We take you now to a small fishing schooner making its lonely way through the green waters of the Gulf Coast.

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It is piloted by that fearless shrimp runner, Captain Bluff.

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Mr. Christian! Mr. Christian!

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Where is it, Captain?

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Come up here on the poop deck and make it fast!

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Now, die, why?

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I'm lonely, sir.

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Captain, the men are ready to mutiny. They can't stand the food.

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I don't understand it! Just look at this menu, shrimp cocktail, shrimp salad, dish, shrimp pie, shrimp fried shrimp and shrimp jubilee.

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Tell me the truth, Christian.

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Are the men tired of shrimp?

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Well, it's worse than that, Captain.

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Then what is it?

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We ran out of cocktail sauce.

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Good heavens, we must get back to shore.

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And who knows the weight?

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Just turn left when we come to that school of herring we saw the other day.

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But this is a big ocean. How can we find the school of herring?

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Simple, I marked it with a spoonful of sour cream.

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Captain! Captain! Captain! Look what just came up in the shrimp net.

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Hi, fellas.

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Ah, you very.

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Holy smoke, that's the biggest shrimp I ever caught.

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Easy, Captain, that's a girl.

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How would I know? I've been at sea for four years.

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Four years at sea? Well, Captain, I brought you something you haven't seen in a long, long time.

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Oh, good, you brought cocktail sauce.

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Captain, we'd better get her out of the way before the men see her.

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I'd better hide her in my cabin.

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I'm supposed to be the captain, and I'll hide her in my cabin.

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Hey, don't I have anything to say about this?

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Sure, go ahead, baby. Make your choice.

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What cabin are the shrimps in?

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Don't listen to her, Captain. She's just a stowaway.

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I don't know what she stowaway, but she sure stowed it in the right place.

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Well, since we here got her aboard, Captain, maybe we'd better give her a job or two.

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Okay, she can start making shrimp nets.

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But I don't know how to make nets.

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It's simple, just take a few holes and tie them together with string.

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Ah, gee, Captain.

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Captain, you know everything about the sea.

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It must be wonderful to spend your life like this.

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Yes, it's the greatest life in the world.

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Why, when I stand on the deck of my own stout craft,

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the wind blowing in my face, the spray blowing on my neck,

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the boat rolling and weaving underneath me,

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it's then that I look up to the sky and say,

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uh, uh, uh.

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Ah, we're wasting time, Captain.

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Mr. Christian, hoist them as mess, lower the jib,

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throw the starboard and check the wreck.

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Oh, Captain, Captain, you're taking the shrimp boats home at last.

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Oh, Captain, Captain, I'm so happy I could kiss you.

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How about me don't I get a kiss?

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Of course, Mr. Christian, here's your kiss.

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Captain, you pushed him overboard.

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Well, it looks like we're alone, just you and me.

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Yeah, baby, just you and me, not but the two of us.

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We're really going to get to know each other,

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and I might as well get started by popping a big question.

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Go on, darling, ask me.

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Ask me anything.

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Did you really bring the cocktail sauce?

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Well, as we anchor the shrimp boats for the night,

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it's time to go ashore and listen to Jimmy Wallington.

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Thank you, Dean.

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Ladies and gentlemen, when we ask you to try anisine

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for the relief of pain due to a headache, neuritis or neuralgia,

23:08.400 --> 23:12.400
we're not asking you to try a new or unproved method,

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for there are many people listening in now who have been introduced

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to anisine tablets by their own dentist or physician.

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You who have received anisine this way know the effective,

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incredibly fast relief these tablets bring.

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Anisine is like a doctor's prescription.

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That is, anisine contains not just one,

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but a combination of medically proven active ingredients

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in easy-to-take tablet form.

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People by the thousands are using modern anisine today

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instead of other ways.

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Doesn't their experience seem worth following?

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Try anisine the next time you suffer pains from headache,

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neuritis or neuralgia.

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You'll be delighted with the results.

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Ask your druggist for anisine today.

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Anisine is spelled A-N-A-C-I-N.

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A number of years ago when I was struggling to get a foothold

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in this wonderful world we call show business,

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I went through a pretty bad period.

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The brakes weren't coming, and I got into the habit

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of walking around with a face a mile long.

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Well, one day I was parked in a little café,

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growling at the waitress when the jukebox struck up a song,

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and the lyrics hit me right between the eyes.

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The words sunk into my mind, and they never left.

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And they tell of a wonderful philosophy

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that everybody should bear in mind.

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When you're smiling, when you're smiling,

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when you're laughing, oh, when you're laughing,

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the sun comes shining through.

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But when you're crying, you bring on the rain,

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so stop your sighing.

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Be happy again, keep on smiling,

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because when you're smiling,

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the whole world smiles with you.

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The whole world smiles with you.

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Applause

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Gee, Dean, that song was so terrific.

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I sure hope my Uncle Myron heard it.

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Why?

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Because if he listened to the words,

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maybe he'd smile once in a while.

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He never smiled.

27:11.400 --> 27:12.400
What's the matter with him?

27:12.400 --> 27:13.400
No sense of humor?

27:13.400 --> 27:14.400
No, no teeth.

27:14.400 --> 27:15.400
No teeth.

27:15.400 --> 27:19.400
Say, Dean, Dean, I'd like to add my vote of confidence.

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That was a wonderful job.

27:21.400 --> 27:22.400
Well, thank you, Linda.

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I wish this was an hour show.

27:24.400 --> 27:25.400
Why?

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I like her.

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I like you too, Jerry.

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And I want to thank you both for a lot of laughs tonight.

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Thank you, Linda, and come again real soon, huh?

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That goes double, triple, and quadruple for me, Linda.

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Good night, boys.

27:39.400 --> 27:40.400
Good night, everybody.

27:40.400 --> 27:45.400
Good night, Aunt Mary.

27:45.400 --> 27:51.400
Applause

27:51.400 --> 27:56.400
Ladies and gentlemen, if you don't mind this idiot getting serious for a moment,

27:56.400 --> 28:03.400
we'd like very much to give our heartfelt thanks to all of you who have sent contributions to the Muscular Dystrophy Association.

28:03.400 --> 28:08.400
And for those of you who haven't contributed as yet, please give this wonderful charity a little thought.

28:08.400 --> 28:13.400
In this age of miracles, it is a horrible thing to think that there is still a disease that is incurable.

28:13.400 --> 28:20.400
Somewhere there must be a cure for muscular dystrophy, and your contributions will help our wonderful scientists to find it.

28:20.400 --> 28:24.400
Please mail your contributions to MDA, New York 8, New York.

28:24.400 --> 28:28.400
That's MDA, Muscular Dystrophy Association, New York 8, New York.

28:28.400 --> 28:29.400
Thank you.

28:29.400 --> 28:31.400
Well, folks, until next week, this is Dean Martin.

28:31.400 --> 28:35.400
And Jerry Lewis reminding you that we appear on radio through the courtesy of Howe Wallace Productions,

28:35.400 --> 28:37.400
producers of our current picture, Sailor Beware.

28:37.400 --> 28:38.400
Night, everybody.

28:38.400 --> 28:39.400
Good night.

28:39.400 --> 28:51.400
Applause

28:51.400 --> 28:56.400
From Hollywood you have just heard transcribed, the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis Show, written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear,

28:56.400 --> 29:00.400
produced and directed by Dick Mack, with music under the direction of Dick Stabiel.

29:00.400 --> 29:03.400
Brought to you by Dendine, the gum with breathtaking flavor.

29:03.400 --> 29:07.400
Beeman's pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion, too.

29:07.400 --> 29:10.400
By Chesterfield, Chesterfield's are much milder.

29:10.400 --> 29:15.400
And from the report of a well-known research organization, Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste.

29:15.400 --> 29:19.400
And by Anison, for fast relief from pain of headache, ureitis, and uralgia.

29:19.400 --> 29:24.400
Live to Darn, Al can soon be seen in the David E. Rose Technicolor Production, Saturday Island.

29:24.400 --> 29:46.400
Applause