Transcribed.
Oh!
Ladies and gentlemen, we present
the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show
with their special guest, the co-star
of their Hal Wallis production, sailor beware,
Corrine Calvay!
Applause
Music
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis
are brought to you by Anison
for fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia
by Denteen, the gum with breathtaking
flavor, by Beeman's Pepsin,
the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion too
and by Chesterfield
Chesterfields are much milder
with an extraordinarily good taste
and no unpleasant aftertaste
and now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our
master of ceremonies, Dean Martin
Hi, folks!
Applause
Thank you, this is Dean Martin, ladies and gentlemen
Well, another Friday
has snuck up on us and our old familiar
gang is on hand, only this time
we're in unusual surroundings
Jerry and I are playing a theater date and
this show is coming to you right from the stage
we're having lots of fun and if
you care to join us for the next half hour, we'll
gladly cut you in on it
Now I'd like to kick off the festivities with a little
song, so Ricardo
'll play yours
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, what a joy, a joy, a joy, a joy, a joy, a joy
To know that you love me, by heaven above me, I never expected to pick you up the vine
The others will try and try and try and try and try, to give you the eye, the eye, the eye, the eye, the eye
But when they approach you, I'll keep them in line, in line, in line, by telling them, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, you're mine
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh
Certain characters hide it a little when Cupid comes along
Some mechanics shift gears in the middle and drummers kick the gong
Every cowboy I know hollers yippie-yay-ay Every clown in the circus goes oop-la
Every sailor in port hollers anchors away And in Indian it gives you the ah
But when you hold me tight like you're doing tonight There is only one thing I can say
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy
Oh boy, what a joy, a joy, a joy, a joy, a joy
To know that you love me, by heaven above me
I never expected to pick you up divine
The others will try and try and try and try and try
To give you the eye, the eye, the eye, the eye, the eye
But when they approach you, I'll keep them in line
By telling them, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy
You're mine
Thank you. Thank you, folks.
And now it becomes my pleasure to introduce one of the most wonderful people in the whole world.
Hey Dean, you're supposed to introduce me.
Ah Jerry, you mad fool, you.
Don't you know I was, I was introducing you?
You think I'm the most wonderful people in the world? That's right Jerry. You don't think I'm jerky? Well of course not.
You don't even think I'm an idiot? Jerry, I think you're as normal and as sane as anybody else.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh.
What is it Jerry? You want to be an idiot? I'd better if I want to keep working.
Okay, so you're not normal. You're stupid,
you're an idiot, you're crazy and you're nutty. Dean, you want to keep working too?
That was a low blow Jerry.
You really cut me to the quick. It's a good thing I didn't cut you to the look.
Ha ha ha ha ha. Because look and quick are magazines. He says,
I cut you to the quick, I said cut you to the look. It's the same gag, only a different
magazine, it's larger, see. Oh I wish I was dead.
Now Jerry, the least you can do is say hello to all the
nice people out here. This happens to be one of the world's most
hospitable cities. Sure, with all the damp weather everybody ends up in a hospitable.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Now Jerry. You know the little white cloud that cries? Yes.
Well over this town he must have had hysterics. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Now careful Jerry, you'll wear out your
welcome. No, I was just kidding. Dean, honest, I think this is the most
wonderful town. Just last night I went up to the top of a high hill
and there below me was the entire beautiful city.
Its majestic streets shining bright in the night. The sparkling
lights, like ropes of diamonds leading to the sapphire blue waters.
And as I breathed in the rich clean air from the bay I said to
myself, huuuuh.
Now Jerry, there are many wonderful sights in this city.
I know, like the girl I went out with last night, what a sight. Oh Jerry,
can't you think of anything but girls? Sure, if I use will power.
I know. Well anyway, where did you take that girl last night?
Oh we went for a ride on the stable cars.
Look Jerry, you'll be a good boy tonight and right after
the show I'll take you to a famous Italian restaurant for dinner. With
andepasto, minestrone, cacciatore, lasagna and spumoni. All?
Seven of us? No Jerry, andepasto, minestrone,
cacciatore, lasagna and spumoni aren't people. Oh,
they're relatives. Oh stop it. Now look Jerry, will you do me
one little favor to make me happy? Anything booby.
Do you plan on taking a bath tonight?
Yes. Well don't fight the current, just go down the drain.
Now you wait a second Dean,
I'm supposed to get the laughs around here. Well don't tell me you'll begrudge me
just one lousy laugh. Lousy laughs I don't begrudge you,
big laughs yes. Alright I surrender Jerry, tell me
who's our first guest tonight? Oh well since this is the right time of the year we were
going to interview one of them income tax experts. What do you mean we were going to
interview one of them? Well he never showed up but have no fear Deanie old boy, cause when it comes
to taxes I know what's all about it. Well what do you
know about taxes? It's the best darn state in the union.
Ladies and gentlemen tonight as a public service
we are proud to present that renowned authority on income taxes and the author
of those two famous books, you can't take it with you and you can't
even keep it while you're here. Mr. Herbert Swine. Well tell us Mr. Swine,
how did you get started in tax work?
Well I guess I picked it up from my little grey haired mother.
She taught me everything about figures.
Oh she was a school teacher? No she was a stickman for floating
crap games. Well supposing we get back to taxes,
would you care to tell us something about the national tax structure?
Yes sir boy. Now here's the way it works.
First government takes your money. Yes?
That's it buddy, the government takes your money.
Tell me...
Tell me Mr. Swine,
as a professional tax man in which form do you prefer? Well I'd say it was a
toss up between Janet Leigh and Lana Turner.
I thought it was a toss up between the long form and the short form. Look you
toss what you want to toss and I'll toss what I want to toss.
Before our time runs out Mr. Swine I'd like to ask you one last question. Now tell me
do you have any idea where the word income originated?
Certainly, in stems from the Latin word inibus, which means
never have your tonsils removed in a crowded vice.
Come stems from the Anglo-Saxon word reening rick, which means
people who live in glass houses should keep their shades down.
Put them together and you have income. And this really means come to Fort Knox during
visiting hours and they'll let you stare at your money.
That's very interesting indeed. Now tell us what about the word taxes? Like I said
before buddy, it's the best darn state near you.
Well thank you, thank you Mr. Swine. Well now that Jerry
has discussed the income tax headache, let's all listen to what is about to be said.
Thank you Dean. Ladies and gentlemen if you would like to know a quick easy way to ease the pain of a headache,
neuritis or neuralgia, then by all means try
Anison. Your own dentist or physician may at one time or another
have handed you an envelope containing Anison tablets. Then you already know
how incredibly fast and effectively Anison brings relief.
Anison is like a doctor's prescription. That is
Anison contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven
active ingredients. For your own sake try
Anison. Anison is sold to you on this guarantee.
If the first few tablets do not give you all the relief you want
as fast as you want it, you may return the unused portion and your money
will be refunded. You can get Anison tablets at any drug counter.
Anison comes in handy boxes of 12 and 30 tablets
and economical family size bottles of 50 and 100.
Well when you're in the music business you meet a lot of people who write songs and a lot of more people who ask you to sing them.
Just recently a friend of mine wrote his first song and this is one time I asked to sing it.
The friend is our own wonderful conductor Dix De Beel. So Richard let's play your song called My Heart Has Found a Home Now.
My heart has found a home now
My lips nowhere to rest
My heart has found a home now
A home that suits it best
My eyes know who to see now
One side my whole life through
My eyes know who to see now
For they see only you
They say home is where the heart is
Where the heart is, love endures
And the very nicest part is
My heart's at home with yours
I know I'll never roam now
I'm glad to toe the line
My heart has found a home now
And what makes it so divine
Your heart's at home with mine
My heart has found a home now
And what makes it so divine
Your heart's at home with mine
Thank you. Thank you for taking my stuff. Now let's turn the next composition over to Jimmy Wallington.
Well thank you Dean. And now here's something of interest to everybody.
For breathless moments, for your breathless moments.
Chew Dentein, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
Dentein tastes so good. Dentein freshens your breath.
Dentein helps keep your teeth sparkling clean and white.
Dentein, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
Before you go out and always after eating, drinking, smoking, refresh your breath with Dentein.
You'll love Dentein chewing gum.
For Dentein has a wonderful tingling nippy flavor that lingers on and on.
It's delicious. And remember Dentein helps keep your teeth white too.
Keep Dentein handy. You'll enjoy refreshing your breath when you chew Dentein.
So for breathless moments, for your breathless moments.
Chew Dentein, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
Well ladies and gentlemen, our guest tonight is one of the screen's newest and the most exciting leading ladies.
I'm sure that our friends across the nation and you folks here in the theater will be happy to meet one of France's loveliest gifts to the USA.
Miss Corrine Calvet, let's hear it.
Thank you. Hi Dean.
Well hi Corrine. Say it sure was nice of you to join us here tonight.
Oh I was looking forward to it. I'm very anxious to meet your partner. How is he?
Well Jerry's pretty tired you know with all the traveling and five shows a day the kids been working like a dog.
Oh that's why they call him the animal.
Corrine, I wish you wouldn't prefer to Jerry as the animal. He's very sensitive.
Oh poor little fella.
Well he's coming now Corrine. Look you stand in back of me and we'll sort of surprise him.
Hiya Dean. Say did you see me when I was... Hey what you hiding behind your back?
Oh it's a surprise Jerry. Take a guess.
Well let's see is this something nice?
Oh very nice.
Ah did you build it?
No it's a...
It's already been built.
Oh is it beautiful, sweet and round and soft and luscious?
Yes sir.
Oh goody you brought me a hamburger.
Oh stop.
Now you better take a good look Jerry. There. Does that look like a hamburger to you?
Holy cow.
Now firstly I'm a hamburger and now I'm a whole cow.
Oh come on Jerry be a good boy and say hello to our guest Corrine Calvet.
Bonjour Monsieur Louis. Comment allez-vous?
Good heavens Dean she's Spanish.
Jerry Miss Corrine happens to be French.
Don't you know anything about French?
Do I know anything about French? Are you kidding?
What does he mean?
Look Jerry there's no use trying to compete with Miss Calvet in French.
Dean is right Jerry. When I speak French I'm using my mother tongue.
Your mother's tongue? She don't need it no more.
Jerry please.
Does she write very often?
No she doesn't send very many letters.
No wonder she can't even lick the poster stamp.
Let's change the subject.
Alright let's talk about French food. Do you like pâté de foie gras?
I ordered that once but they didn't have a bit of patty in the place.
Oh what a pity.
No patty.
I know it's patty I said what a pity.
After the show maybe we can all play pitty patty.
Now don't get so excited Jerry.
If it's okay with you two what say we take a peek at the scene we prepared for tonight?
Yeah let's do that. I've always wanted to play the part of a French maid.
Alrighty. Supposing we let our announcer set the scene.
Ladies and gentlemen tonight Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis and Corrine Calvet will enact a touching domestic drama.
A true life story that will thrill the hearts of young and old alike.
Our scene is the home of Martin M. Martin.
As we look in on this average American household we find Mr. Martin reading to his small son from a book of fairy tales.
Hennessy clutched his stomach as the three bullets ripped through to his backbone.
Forgetting the knife in his throat he pulled the arrow out of his chest.
Fell to the floor in a bloody broken mess.
Gee dad that was the most beautiful story I ever heard.
So why are you crying? You sound like Hennessy was your best friend.
Best friend my eye. He still has my knife and my arrow.
Now you listen to me junior I hired a new maid today. Now I don't want any rough stuff.
Well don't worry about me dad. Uh oh here she comes.
Wah wee zippity doo da bum bum bum.
Yes sirry bob.
I beg your pardon little boy.
You'll have to excuse him alouette. Junior alouette is our new maid here now I want you to shake hands with her.
Okay. Alrighty.
My little boy. Your hand is so nice and soft.
If you think Gary if you think that soft you ought to feel his brain.
I think that junior and I are going to get along fine.
You'll try very hard to be a good boy won't you junior?
Don't worry about me honey I may not succeed but I'll be in there pinching.
Junior you mean you'll be in there pitching.
Like I always say to each his own.
Junior.
Well alouette since you'll be taking care of junior you might as well know his schedule.
That's a good idea. Tell me junior what do you have for breakfast?
Every morning I eat a big bowl of poopsies.
Poopsies? Yeah it's the breakfast of losers.
Do they make you feel strong?
Do they make me feel strong?
You hear that? She wants to know if poopsies make me feel strong.
Do they?
I'm the most pooped out kid on the block.
Junior you tell alouette what you have for lunch.
At lunch time I eat six hard boiled eggs, a half a pound steak, two hamburgers, three pounds of french fries, a quarter milk and three Wilson golf clubs.
What? Who ever heard of eating a Wilson golf club?
Check with the writers I'm just as surprised as you are.
Well it's time for lunch now. Wash your face junior.
What for? I just washed it yesterday.
Is your face dirty or is it just my imagination?
My face is clean but I don't know about your imagination.
Now you listen to me junior. You do whatever alouette tells you. I have to go to work now.
But I've never been alone with her before. I'm scared.
Oh don't be scared junior. I'm going to be very nice to you.
What nice? All you do is sit with me and hold my hand and tuck me in bed and kiss me goodnight and you know what?
Know what?
I like it. I like it.
The mask is off. The mask is off in cigarette advertising. Chesterfield is first to name all of its ingredients and here they are.
Chesterfield uses the right combination of the world's best tobaccos, pre-tested by laboratory instruments for the most desirable smoking qualities
and kept tasty and fresh by the only tried and tested moistening agents proved by over 40 years of continuous use in USA tobacco products
as entirely safe for use in the mouth. Pure natural sugars and chemically pure harmless and far more costly glycerol. Nothing else.
You can be glad if you smoke Chesterfields because they give you every advantage known to modern science.
For you that means that Chesterfields are much milder with an extraordinarily good taste and no unpleasant aftertaste.
All for your smoking pleasure and protection. They satisfy millions.
Sound off for Chesterfields and do it today.
Well I guess one of the hardest things in the world is saying goodbye to someone you love even if it's just for a day.
Jerry and I love to travel and play to all people who have been so kind to us but when it comes time to hit the road
and Jerry has to say goodbye to his patty and I have to say goodbye to my genie.
Well I don't mind telling you that our hearts go into our boots.
When we first started on this trip we both agreed that we couldn't face it and before the girls were ready to see us off
we sneaked off to the depot and we're on our way.
I hope they understand and maybe I can help them by telling them in a song that we just couldn't say goodbye.
We thought that love was over that we were really through.
I said I didn't love her that we'd begin anew.
And you can all believe me we sure intended to.
But we just couldn't say goodbye.
The chair and then the sofa they broke right down and cried.
The curtains started waving for me to come inside.
I tell you confidentially the tears were hard to hide.
And we just couldn't say goodbye.
The clock was striking twelve o'clock it smiled on us below.
With folded hands it seemed to say we'll miss you if you go.
So I went back and kissed her and when I looked around the room was singing love songs and dancing up and down.
And now we're both so happy because at last we found we just couldn't say goodbye.
So I went back and kissed her and when I looked around the room was singing love songs and dancing up and down.
And now we're both so happy because at last we found that we just couldn't say goodbye.
We just couldn't say goodbye.
Gee Dean I like the way you sang we just couldn't say hello.
Jerry it's goodbye.
Oh no Dean not goodbye please don't leave me.
Jerry why are you so excited?
Dean said he was going to leave me.
Well don't worry if he leaves I'll stay.
Alright Dean oh stop hanging around.
Oh come on stop it Naja.
Well boy I guess it's time for me to say au revoir.
If this means goodbye I'm sorry you said it but thanks a million for being with us tonight Corinne you've been a wonderful sport.
Yeah Corinne you're alright in my book.
Goodnight boys, goodnight everybody.
Ladies and gentlemen your contributions to the Muscular Dystrophy Association have given thousands of people new hope.
And when you are suffering from an incurable disease the smallest ray of hope can give new courage.
Much more money is needed for research, research that will eventually find a cure for this dread disease.
If you haven't already contributed please send something to the Muscular Dystrophy Association.
Send it to MDA New York 8 New York.
That's MDA New York 8 New York thank you.
Well folks until next week this is Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis reminding you that our new picture Sailor Beware can now be seen at your local theater.
We hope you'll go see it.
Goodnight everybody.
Goodnight everyone.
You have just heard Transcribe the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear.
Produced and directed by Dick Mack with music under the direction of Dick Stabiel.
Brought to you by Anderson for fast relief from pain of head ache, neuritis and neuralgia.
By Dentine the gum with breathtaking flavor.
By Beeman's Pepsi the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion too.
And by Chesterfield.
Remember Chesterfields are much milder with an extraordinarily good taste.
And from the report of a well known research organization Chesterfields leave no unpleasant aftertaste.
This is NBC the national broadcasting company.