Transcribed.
Ladies and gentlemen, from Hollywood we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are brought to you by Chesterfield.
Chesterfields are much milder with an extraordinarily good taste and no unpleasant aftertaste.
By Anison for fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia.
By Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
And by Beeman's Pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion too.
And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our master of ceremonies, Dean Martin.
Well, hi, I'm Thorpe. Thank you. Thank you very, very much.
Well, it's Friday again. We've just returned from a month of personal appearances.
Yes, sir, we made a lot of friends in such wonderful cities as San Francisco, Minneapolis, Cincinnati, Boston and New York.
So let's start festivities with a song, When You're Smiling.
When you're smiling, when you are smiling.
While the whole world smiles with you.
When you're laughing, oh, when you're laughing.
The sun comes shining through.
But when you're crying, you bring on the rain.
So stop you sighing. Be happy again.
Keep on smiling, cause when you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you.
Keep on smiling, cause when you're smiling,
the whole world smiles with you.
Thank you very much. Great time. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
When I'm smiling, when I'm smiling.
Well, if it isn't my partner, Jerry Lewis. If it isn't, I should have been using the wrong toothbrush.
Tell me, Jerry, after a month on the road, how does it feel to be back in Hollywood?
I'm glad you asked me that, Dean. I'm going to tell you too.
When I got off that train in Los Angeles, I was really feeling good.
I hopped off in the best of spirits, tipped the porter with a big smile, walked through the depot, happy as a lark,
strode through the big main entrance, took one look outside and said,
Uh, Jerry, don't tell me you're going to stand there and say we had rain in California.
What? Me say that it rained in California? Don't be silly. It never rains in California.
That's better. Sure. My kid always goes to school with a flock of salmon.
A flock of salmon. Jerry, now this conversation is really getting insipid.
Oh, I don't know. It sounds sippin' enough to me.
Look, Jerry, will you take a word of advice from someone who loves you?
Sure. What is it, Ma?
Jerry, I'm not your mother. Your mother's a woman. Good heavens. So that's why Dad married her.
All right. Very funny, Jerry. Really, you fracture me.
No, you fracture me. I just joined the Blue Shield.
Ah, what's the use? I can't take much more of this.
One of these days I'll have to leave you and take a holiday.
All righty. Which holiday would you like? Christmas, New Year's, or Judy?
Jerry!
Judy is not the kind of a holiday I want. You don't feel good with me?
Ah, forget it, Jerry. You won your point.
Let's face it, buddy, I always win my point. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah?
Yeah, it lived. I don't know where I am.
Well, I know where I am. I'm just about to introduce our first guest.
And what grand surprise have you in store for us tonight? Pray tell me, won't you?
Well, tonight we are being blessed with a visit from Dr. Ludwig von Krevis, the noted tree surgeon.
He's the most famous tree doctor in the world.
Dean, I hate so to disappoint you, but Dr. von Krevis won't be here. He broke his leg.
Ah, that's too bad. How'd it happen?
He fell out of a patient.
Well, now what do we do?
Simple. Just introduce me as the doctor and your tree troubles are all over.
Alrighty. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure and privilege to introduce the world's leading authority.
Leading authority on tree health, the world renowned tree surgeon, Dr. Ludwig von Krevis.
Good evening, Dr. von Krevis. As a tree surgeon, I know you must have some unusual experiences.
Tell us, have you ever been in danger?
Well, once I was up in a tree with my saw and a big bee stung me on the hand.
Did you put anything on it?
No, it flew away too fast.
But while you were up there, did you saw anything?
Ah, what could I saw? On the second floor they had the shade pulled down.
Doctor, will you tell us about the famous operation you performed on that giant elm tree?
Certainly. First, undercut.
In the beginning I made an undercut on top of the tree, then I made a top cut at the bottom of the tree.
This allowed the sap to circulate freely.
Then I stripped off all the bark, exposed the cambrium, and made a quick incision with my scalpel.
And then chop, turn, saw and splice, my job was done.
Well, good heavens, what was wrong?
Nothing, I was barking up the wrong tree.
Well, tell me doctor, have you ever done any grafting?
Well, once I ran from mayor in Scranton.
No, no, no, no, doctor. I mean have you ever conducted any big experiments?
Oh, surely, surely. I was the first to cross a California redwood with a New Hampshire mapper.
And what did you get?
Splinters.
Splinters. Maybe you can help me doctor.
The pine tree in front of my house was full of little yellow blisters.
Oh, that's nothing. Yesterday I saw a tree and it was complaining because its peaches were too soft.
Oh, that can't be serious. The peaches were probably overripe.
Ah, but the problem wasn't that simple.
Why not?
This was an apple tree.
Apple tree. You know, our time is running short.
Doctor, before you go, would you care to make any statement as to the general health of trees in this country?
Secondly, I would say that most of our trees is pretty sick kids and the situation is getting worse.
I suppose you could say that the trees are going to the dogs?
No, but you could say the dogs are going to the trees.
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Well the most popular songs express pretty definite sentiments ladies and gentlemen.
They usually say I love you or I hate you. They all seem to get right to the point.
Well the number I'm going to sing right now falls out of the regular category and heads right into the middle of the road.
Richard, a little maybe music.
Maybe you think of me when you are all alone
Maybe the one who is waiting waiting for you will prove untrue then what will you do
Oh maybe you sit inside wishing that I were near then
Maybe you'll ask me to come back home again and maybe I'll say maybe
Maybe you'll ask me to come back home again and maybe I'll say maybe
Maybe you'll ask me to come back home again and maybe I'll say maybe I'll say maybe I'll say maybe
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen.
Well if you'll excuse me for a minute I'll go out and fetch our most fetching guest who will be with us right after Jimmy Wallington has this to say.
Thank you Dean.
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Ladies and gentlemen, our guest tonight is one of the real great treats in our current series.
She is easily one of the most beautiful, glamorous and famous actresses of our time.
And it's really a thrill to welcome her here now.
So here she is, your favorite and ours, the one and only Marlena Dietrich.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you everybody.
Hello Dean.
Thank you Dean for the very flattering introduction.
It's my pleasure Marlena. And now I suppose you must be anxious to meet my partner Jerry?
Not necessarily Dean. I saw him in the hallway before the show.
He was chasing a girl.
Well that's nothing. Lots of fellas chase girls.
With a slingshot?
No.
But Hark, here comes young Romeo now.
Hey Dean, after your next show tonight...
Good heavens, you went and had your legs remodeled.
Jerry, you're looking at the most beautiful legs in the world.
And they don't belong to me.
Don't be sad, boobie. You still have a pretty face.
Well Marlena, this is Jerry. Are there any questions?
Yes. At what age did they cut off his tail?
Wow, this thing sounds like Humphrey Bogart with his sore throat.
Jerry, this happens to be Marlena Dietrich. You've seen her in pictures. She usually plays a siren.
Siren? Sounds more like a foghorn.
Look who's talking. He sounds like Andy Devine having a nightmare.
Now you see Jerry, you've made her angry. Now I want you to behave like a real gentleman. After all, this is Marlena Dietrich.
She's Marlena... Well if she's Marlena Dietrich, I'm Johnny Ray.
You better show her Marlena.
See what the boys in the back room were...
Well, what do you say Jerry?
If your sweetheart is related to your wife...
Well, you mustn't mind Jerry Marlena. His mind wanders.
Well, don't worry about it. How far can it go?
Hey, that's pretty good Marlena. No kidding. I mean, you're really a serious actress and you play all those serious parts, but this time you get on our show and you insult me and the whole audience laughs.
It's really terrific. I mean, from a legitimate actress and she makes a joke and... Dean, we couldn't get Gloria Swanson.
Well, if that's the way you feel, I might just as well leave right now.
Oh no, no. Please don't leave. I was only kidding Marlena. Honest. I didn't mean any harm. Why do I hurt people this way?
I'm just no good, that's all. Mistakes, mistakes, that's all I think that way.
There, there. Don't be sad.
I'm so unworthy of everybody. Why, why, why must that be so difficult? I'm so young and terrible.
Dean, this boy is too much for me. I just don't know how to handle him.
Easy baby, just pick me up and hold me tight. That's all.
Please Jerry, I'm afraid you have a lot to learn about the opposite sex.
Oh yeah? Is that so?
Well, you just ask the other girls about me. Ask Rita Hayworth. Ask Janet Lee. Ask Selma Kranzfarb.
Who's Selma Kranzfarb?
She was my childhood sweetheart, but I learned her secret when they cut off her curls.
What was her secret?
She was really Sidney Kranzfarb.
Jerry, I don't think Marlene is at all amused by your ridiculous talk.
Oh, I'm having a wonderful time, Dean.
You know Marlene, someday I'd like to visit your program Cafe Istanbul. I heard it last week and it's really terrific.
Say, why don't we bring a touch of Marlene's program to our show right now?
That should be fun. I'd like to see you too in one of those mysteries of the Near East.
Well, why wait? The new way we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, at this time we are proud to bring you a drama filled with foreign intrigue and breathtaking suspense.
Tonight's thrilling episode is fittingly called Cafe Turkistan.
Our scene is the notorious Cafe Turkistan, the most fabulous night spot of the Middle East.
It is here that we meet the characters in our play. There.
Out of her dressing room steps the exotic dancer, Michelle.
I am the dancer, Michelle.
Out of the black night steps the American, Rick Martin.
I am the American, Rick Martin.
And out of the kitchen steps the waiter, Harold.
I am the waiter. I am Harold.
Hey, how about some service over here? Let me speak to the owner.
What seems to be the trouble here? Oh, it's you. Hello, Ricky.
Hello, baby. Long time no see there.
Long time no dance.
Long time no embrace.
Long time no kiss.
Long time no have something to say.
Michelle, I've been here 20 minutes and this waiter still hasn't taken my order.
Be patient, Ricky. Remember, he's only got two heads.
You know, Ricky, there's something suspicious about this waiter.
Yeah, he has a strange and shifty look. I think he's a spy.
What makes you think that I'm a spy?
You just swallowed a piece of paper. There's a map sticking out of your pocket.
You have a bomb in your hand.
You're wearing three medals from a foreign government and I recognize you from a picture in the paper.
Yeah, but what makes you think I'm a spy?
Hey, now I remember him. He's that international spy, Mata Jerry.
This is Mata Jerry? He doesn't look like much of a spy to me.
Oh, yeah? Well, for your information, I happen to be pretty experienced in cloak and dagmar.
You're experienced in cloak and dagger, not dagmar.
Look, buddy, do I tell you where to get your experience?
No.
Come on, Mata Jerry, tell us your mission or you will regret it.
I'll never tell. You can break every wheel in my body.
You can put lighted matches under my cigarettes.
You can pull out my toenails, all twelve of them.
But I can't tell you. Do you hear? I can never tell you.
Why, you fool? Why can't you tell us your mission?
I forgot what it was.
I know what I'll do. I'll search him.
Don't you dare lay a hand on me.
Why not?
I'm ticklish.
It's no use, Ricky. He must be the penalty of spies.
You mean?
Yes. He must be eliminated.
All right, Mata Jerry, I'm going to put my arms around your neck and crush and crush and crush.
Do you have any last requests?
You're going to put your arms around my neck and crush and crush and crush,
and you want to know if I have any last requests?
That's right.
I sure have.
What is it?
Let her do it.
All right.
Well, as the Oriental sun sets in Turkestan, it rises again in Hollywood to shine on Jimmy Wallington.
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Well, I guess everyone remembers their first date.
Mine was with a cute little freshman at a high school dance.
I was mighty proud to be sitting across the table from the prettiest girl in the crowd.
Well, it was kind of a good and a bad experience for me because even if I did have the best looking girl,
I couldn't enjoy dancing with her.
You see, at that time I still hadn't learned to dance.
So we just sat there holding hands across the table.
I don't even remember her name, but if she happens to be listening, she might enjoy it.
Hands across the table while the lights are low.
Though you hush your lips, your fingertips tell me all I want to know.
Hands across the table meet so tenderly.
And they say in their little way that you belong to me.
Hands across the table meet so tenderly.
And they say in their little way that you belong to me.
Gee, Dean, you certainly sang that song pretty.
Jerry, the word is prettily. I certainly sang that song prettily.
How can one man be so modest?
Speaking of modesty, boys, I understand you just finished a marvelous television program for the Heart Fund.
Well, we served the 16 and a half hour stretch in New York and loved every minute of it.
That must have been quite a show.
Not really, Marlene, because we had a lot of wonderful people to help us make it a success.
And speaking of wonderful people, Marlene, maybe you're interested to know that there was one gal named Maria Riva
who stuck with us for the whole show and did a tremendous job.
Do you know Maria, Marlene?
You might say she is related by marriage.
You mean like a cousin or something?
No, like a daughter or nothing.
Gee, imagine two such beautiful women in one family.
Why, thank you, Jerry, and thank you, Dean. I really enjoyed myself tonight.
Thank you, Marlene.
Yeah, we've had beautiful people on this program before, but wow!
Good night, boys.
Good night, Marlene.
Good night, Marlene.
Ladies and gentlemen, Marlene had just mentioned our telethon for the Heart Fund,
and the wonderful contributions from the people in the New York area made it a great success.
We would like to commend the Heart Fund for doing a very wonderful thing.
Knowing that the Muscular Dystrophy Association is a charity that is close to our hearts,
very graciously offered MDA a percentage of all the monies raised,
a beautiful gesture that will go far in giving hope to the sufferers of this dread disease.
Remember, ladies and gentlemen, funds are needed desperately to help our scientists find a cure,
so please give all you can. Send your contributions to MDA, New York 8 New York.
That's MDA, New York 8 New York. Thank you.
Well, folks, until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis reminding you that our new picture, Sailor Beware, can now be seen at your local theater.
We hope you'll go see it.
Good night, everybody.
Good night, everyone.
Ladies and gentlemen, from Hollywood, you just heard transcribed to Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis' show,
written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear, produced and directed by Dick Mack,
with music under the direction of Dick Stafield, and brought to you by Chesterfield.
Remember, Chesterfields are much wilder, with an extraordinarily good taste,
and from reports of a well-known research organization, Chesterfields leave no unpleasant aftertaste.
By Aniston, for a fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia.
By Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
And by Beam and Pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion, too.
Here, Phil Harris and Alice Faye at A New Time, 7 o'clock Sunday on NBC.