transcribed
ladies and gentlemen from Hollywood we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis
show
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are brought to you by Amison for fast relief from
pain of headache, ureitis and uralgia, by Dentine the gum with breathtaking flavor
by Beeman's pepsin the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion too
and by Chesterfield. Chesterfields are much milder with an extraordinarily good
taste and no unpleasant aftertaste and now it gives me great pleasure to
introduce our master of ceremonies Dean Martin
all over NBC now that means another session with Jerry and myself, Dix DeBeal
and the Orcus and our very wonderful guest star. Now we managed to put in
another television show during the week and had a few production huddles on our
new picture all of which brings us to this evening's run around the
killisackles so let's get on the way with a touch of the Red Red Robin
when the Red Red Robin comes bob bob bobbing along along there'll be no more
sobbing when he starts robbing his old sweet song wake up wake up you sleepy
head get up get up get out of bed cheer up cheer up the Sun is red live love
laughing be happy what if I've been blue now I'm walking through fields and flowers
rain make listen but still I listen for hours and hours I'm just a kid again do
what it did again singing a song when the Red Red Robin comes bob bobbing along
what if I've been blue now walking through fields and flowers rain make listen but still I listen for hours and hours I'm just a kid again doing what it did again singing a song when the Red Red Robin comes bob
bob bobbing along
and now ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure to
do you hear the news? Well, if you take it easy what news? My cousin Myrna just won the Academy Award. Your cousin Myrna I hate to
disillusion you Jay but Vivian Lee won the award from the Academy. The Military
Academy? Military Academy? But how can Myrna go to a school for men? She's the only girl
among all those men and someone's bound to find out.
Think carefully, Dean. Who's gonna squeal?
Well, I guess you're right, Jer, but speaking of Academy Awards, what do you think about
Humphrey Bogart and the African Queen?
Good heavens, is Bogart still running around with that you-bangee?
No, Jer, I...
Boy, that Lauren Bacall, better watch her step.
Why?
Well, with those lips that you-bangee can out-whistle baby.
Jer, once and for all, how can you be such a nincompoop?
It's easy. Ever since I paid my nincompoop tax, I've been pooped.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jerry, can't you stop this talk?
I'm trying to be serious and you keep joking. Tell me, who do you take after?
Well, last night I took after the hot check girl at Zero.
Ah, there you go.
Jerry, you seem to be a regular lethario.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Why?
I don't know what it means.
Anyway, what was the girl's name?
Shirley.
Shirley?
Yeah, Shirley. S-H-O-Y-L-E-Y.
Boy, you sure know some crazy girls.
That's not, and I got one girl that's really nuts. She thinks she's the queen.
The queen of England?
No, the queen of club.
Oh, queen of clubs. Boy, she must really be nuts.
She sure is. She's really the aid of Spain.
All right.
All right, Jer.
Now, you've gone too far. How can a live girl possibly be the aid of Spain?
Simple. She's got a lousy deal.
Lousy deal?
There's no more time for this nonsense. We're expecting a very important guest.
That sounds frightfully exciting. And who is this sterling visitor if I may be so bold? As to ask.
None other than that famous big game hunter, Frank Bick.
Frank Bick. But he called up from Pasadena and said he had to go fox hunting.
Oh.
But don't worry, Boobie. Old faithful Jer is always here to fill in. I'll be the big game authority.
All righty, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight it becomes my privilege to introduce that great
and courageous big game hunter. The only man that elephants manage to forget, Mr. Frank Bick.
Well, tell me, Mr. Bick, when did you first become interested in big game hunting?
Well, I'll tell you, boy. I really got interested the first time I saw Dagmar.
What does Dagmar have to do with big game hunting?
Oh, big game. I thought you said big dame.
Oh. Mr. Bick, I'm sure everyone would like to know how you started your fabulous career.
Well, when I was young boy, my mother used to take me hunting with my brother Hans.
Oh, your brother was a hunter too?
Used to be, but we had a terrible tragedy. One day my mother took Hans and me hunting.
Just as we ran out of ammunition, we were chased by a big black,
grizzly bear. We ran and ran. And suddenly I looked back and saw the bear catching up with
my brother Hans. He got closer and closer to Hans and then I had to break the news to mother.
My goodness. What did you tell her?
Look, Ma, no Hans.
Tell me, Frank, as a man who has hunted in every part of the globe,
what was the most exciting thing you ever chased?
Well, there was that hot chick girl at Shiro.
You don't seem to get that. You don't get me.
I didn't get her either, pal.
Mr. Bick, our amateur woodsmen are interested to know what kind of weapons you use for the hunt.
Well, once I went lion hunting with nothing but a club.
Lion hunting with a club, weren't you afraid?
What for? This club had over 200 members.
Oh.
All right, time is about up, Mr. Bick, but before you go, perhaps you'd
like to tell us about your most dangerous moment in the jungle. Good boy.
Once I saw a fellow go right straight up to a giant leopard and stick his right hand
straight down the leopard's throat.
My, what a courageous feat. What was his name?
We called him Lefty.
Well, now that Jerry is finished, let's turn our attention to Jimmy Wallington.
Thank you, Dean.
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No one's ever taken account of all the songs that have been written about the moon,
but any music publisher will tell you that it must run into hundreds.
Our daytime friend, The Sun, has been pretty much ignored by our songwriters,
at least up till now.
He's just come into his own with a tune that's climbed high on our list of favorites.
Please, Mr. Sun.
Take her under your branches, Mr. Tree.
Whisper to her, Mr. Wind.
Sing to her, Mr. Robin.
And Mrs. Moonlight, put in a word for me.
Tell her how I feel.
It shouldn't end this way.
Since you are all her friends,
She'll listen to whatever you have to say.
Babble to her, Mr. Bro.
Kiss her for me, Mrs. Raindrop.
And watch to see they all do.
Please, Mr. Sun.
Babble to her, Mr. Bro.
Kiss her for me, Mrs. Raindrop.
And watch to see they all do.
Please, Mr. Sun.
Thank you very much.
And now that I've had my place in the sun,
I think it's time I turned over some of the famous California sunshine
to Jimmy Wallington.
Thank you, Dean. And now here's something of interest to everybody.
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Ladies and gentlemen, we've really been looking forward to the appearance of our guest tonight.
She's one of our finest actresses, very wonderful person,
and one of the most popular stars in the entertainment world.
It's a pleasure to introduce the lovely and talented Miss Anne Southern.
Applause
Well, hello everybody. Hi, Dean, honey.
Anne, it's wonderful having you with us tonight.
Well, thank you, Dean. I'm really thrilled to be here tonight.
I can't tell you how much I've wanted to meet that adorable Jerry Lewis.
Honestly, I think he's the cutest, sweetest, handsomest, most charming person I've ever met.
Look, Anne.
Oh, Jerry has verve and charm and character.
He's tall, strong, and virile.
Anne, will you wait to...
...wait to meet that Jerry Lewis is simply fascinating.
A man among men, you know.
Anne, will you just hold it as...
Why, he has a voice.
Anne, Anne, who brought in these scripts?
I did.
All right, Jerry, let's get out the nonsense.
I want you to meet our guest. Remember her in all those Maisie Rolls?
Maisie Rolls? That are anything like onion rolls?
Oh, Jerry, now this is Miss Southern, Miss Anne Southern.
Southern? From the chicken family?
Jerry, my name is Southern, but I have nothing to do with Southern fried chicken or onion rolls.
They give you indigestion.
Jerry.
Jerry, when you were born, are you sure the doctor didn't slap the wrong end?
I don't know which end you're supposed to slap.
Well, they usually slap, you know, the... I'm not going any further.
But what if it says Jerry? You stop, you're supposed to stop her there.
I didn't want to. I wanted to see what she'd say.
One wrong word and this is a garage tomorrow.
Jerry.
The way you can behave, you're a disgrace to your family.
Wait a second. He comes from a family?
Well, I know it's hard to believe, Anne, but actually Jerry is descended from a very fine family.
I think he descended a little too far.
Yeah. Well, I suggest we head right into our sketch.
Yeah, that sounds like fun. What's it going to be?
Well, tonight we thought we'd take a crack at a real old-fashioned soap opera.
So if everyone's set, suppose we turn things over to Jimmy Wallington.
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Anne Southern are proud to bring you another chapter in their version of that popular soap opera...
Just Plain Balderdash.
Yes, folks, it's time to visit that little white house around the corner.
It is here that we meet the lovable characters in our story.
My name's Sidney. I'm married to Sandra, but I have fallen madly in love with Gretchen.
My name is Sandra. I'm married to Sidney, who has fallen madly in love with Gretchen.
My name is Gretchen.
I think Sidney has the most excellent taste.
Yes, these are our beloved characters, and today we will see all their problems come to a head.
As our scene opens, we find Gretchen waiting for the others to come downstairs.
She is troubled and sick at heart, and she is sobbing softly.
Oh sob, oh sob, sob, sob, sob, sob, oh sob of a sob, and sob, sob.
Oh, I am sobbing over how much I love Sidney. I am also sobbing over how much I hate Sidney's wife.
She's caused me nothing but trouble since the first day I met him.
I hear someone coming down the stairs.
I was wrong, it was only the winds.
Soon I will meet Sandra face to face.
I see her coming out, but I will be brave.
I will be sturdy and defiant.
No matter what she says, I will be strong.
She cannot upset me.
Gretchen.
Yes?
Gretchen, I never thought you'd enter this house.
Why? Why didn't you think I'd enter this house?
I had the doors locked.
The day you locked the doors on me, yesterday you put razor blades on my shoes.
The day before you threw boiling acid in my eyes.
Last week you stuffed my pillow with black widow spiders.
Sandra.
Yes?
You're not fond of me, are you?
Look, there's no use in discussing this without Sidney.
We've been talking too long without him already.
Hello, Sandra. Hello, Gretchen baby.
Well, Sidney, now that you're here I can speak.
Sandra, I love your husband.
I must tell you, even if you take my life.
But why? Why are you willing to throw away your life?
Because next month we're on the cover of Look.
Comes out on the newsstands April the 8th.
Tell me.
Tell me, Gretchen, what is it you want me to do?
You must divorce Sandra and then I will marry you.
You marry Sidney, but what about me?
Sorry, Sandra, I just can't marry everybody.
Sidney, are you really going to let this woman come between us?
Well, not all the time, honey.
Well, I can't take it any longer. You must make up your mind.
She wants your pity, Sidney, I want your love.
Tell us now, which of us do you choose?
I will make the only honorable decision.
Gretchen, I'm going to stick with my wife.
What? Oh, no.
Gretchen, you're a fool. Why cry for a man you hardly know?
I love him.
But he's ruthless.
I love him.
He's shiftless.
I love him.
He's penniless.
She's right, I ain't got a dime.
Penniless.
You said that before.
I know, but I got nothing else to say.
Gretchen, how can you talk so cold and hard at a time like this?
I've led a hard life, Sidney, believe you me.
When I was little, my father took me to the railroad station.
A lot of fathers take children to railroad stations.
To get run over?
No.
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Well, you know, Jerry and I have been together for just a little over six years,
and it's been such great fun that it, well, it doesn't even seem like six months.
Neither of us will ever forget the night of our first opening
at the Copacabana in New York City.
This was our first big opening, and everyone told us if we did well, we were really in.
Well, we managed to get through in pretty good shape,
and after the last show, we ducked the crowds and skipped back to the hotel.
This seemed like the perfect time to talk of the past and plan for the future.
Well, sitting in the room that night, Jerry flicked on the radio for a little mood music,
and out of that speaker came a song that spoke volumes for both of us.
So, Richard?
Do I want to be with you
As the years come and go
Only forever
If you care to know
Would I grant all your wishes
And be proud of the times
Only forever
If someone should ask
How long would it take me
To be near if you'd beckon
Offhand I would figure
Less than a second
Do you think I'll remember
How you look when you smile
Only forever
That's putting it mind
Do you think I'll remember
How you look when you smile
Only forever
That's putting it mind
applause
Gee, Dean, did you really mean all those things you said before the song about how we would be together forever and ever?
Sure did, Jerry.
And you meant that when you said we would always be partners through thin and thick and everything should be 50-50 with us?
Well, of course, Jane.
So where's the money?
May I interrupt for a moment to say goodnight?
Well, of course, Annie.
And thank you for being with us and you've really done a wonderful job.
I'm glad you think so, Dean.
I really tried very hard and rehearsed all afternoon.
And now that you say it came out all right, I can't tell you how happy I am.
That's very nice, Annie.
So where's the money?
Well, seriously, boys, it's been fun and I want to thank you both for a happy half hour.
Thank you, Anne.
With a guest like you, how could it be anything but happy?
Goodnight, boys.
Goodnight, everybody.
Goodnight, Anne.
Applause
Ladies and gentlemen, before Dean and I say goodnight, we'd like to leave you with a thought.
While most of you are happy and healthy,
there are still thousands of people in this country who are suffering from an incurable disease called muscular dystrophy.
Our friends have asked us to explain why we have made muscular dystrophy our charity, so to speak.
Well, Dean and I first lead to the aid of MDA when we learned that here is perhaps the only major fatal disease that has never had a champion.
There is no cure for muscular dystrophy now.
If you have it, you die.
But with the start of this campaign, the priceless gift of hope is now the possession of every sufferer of this dread disease.
Dean and I are proud and happy that we were able to start this ball rolling, and we hope you will work along with us.
If our scientists get the opportunity to continue their research,
millions of future sufferers will have the opportunity to continue their lives.
Money is urgently needed, and anything you can spare will be greatly appreciated.
Please send your contributions to MDA New York 8 New York.
That's MDA New York 8 New York.
Well, goodnight, folks. Till next week, this is Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis telling you that you can see our new picture, Sailor Beware, at your neighborhood theater.
Goodnight, and God bless you.
Goodnight.
Ladies and gentlemen, from Hollywood you've just heard transcribed,
the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show, written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear,
produced and directed by Dick Mack, with music under the direction of Dick Stabiel,
and brought to you by Anderson for fast relief from pain of headache, ureitis, and uralgia,
by Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor, by Beamons-Pepson,
the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion, too, and by Chesterfield.
Remember, Chesterfields are much milder, with an extraordinarily good taste.
From reports of a well-known research organization, Chesterfields leave no unpleasant aftertaste.
Hear Phil Harris and Alice Faye, Sunday at 7 on NBC.