Transcribed.
Ladies and gentlemen, from Hollywood we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Applause.
And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our master of ceremonies, Dean Martin.
Applause.
Hi folks, thank you.
Now fasten your seat belts everybody, because we're about to head into another flight over the airwaves,
and right into your living room. So I see Dick Stabiel standing there with a raised baton,
so if I can talk him into a downbeat, we'll start the ball rolling with about a quarter to nine.
The stars are gonna twinkle and shine Well this evening about a quarter to nine
My loving arms are gonna tenderly twine, Gently twine
Around you, around a quarter to nine
I know I won't be late, cause at half past eight I'm gonna hurry there
I'll be waiting where the lane begins, Waiting for you on needles and pins and then
The world is gonna be mine, oh all mine Well this evening about a quarter to nine
Then the world is gonna be mine, yeah all mine Well this evening about a quarter to nine
Applause.
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce my partner, the one and only Jerry Lewis.
Applause.
Hello.
Well what happens here, you usually come bounding out before I even finish your introduction,
but this time, hey what's wrong, why are you looking so sad?
They just found oil on my property.
Found oil on your property and you're unhappy?
I'd be delirious if they found oil on my property.
Under your car?
Honestly Jerry, when it comes to making mountains out of mole hills, you take the cake.
Alrighty, I'll take the cake if you take the candle.
Look, the expression you take the cake, it shouldn't be taken literally,
it's just a figure of speech.
Well when it comes to figures, let's speech about Jane Russell.
Jerry, Jane Russell is not a figure of speech.
You're right Dean, she's a filler buster.
You seem pretty interested in girls, Jerry, some day it may get you in trouble.
I know, last week a big guy punched me in the nose for talking to his girlfriend.
And all I said was hello and goodbye.
Got mad at you just for saying hello and goodbye?
It wasn't the hello or goodbye, it was the six months in between.
How'd you happen to meet this girl anyway?
Well I met her on the corner. She was crying because she lost her wrist watch.
Crying because she lost her wrist watch? She must be over emotional.
Why over emotional? Her hand was in it.
Well anyway, she finally fell for you. She thought you were handsome.
Sure, she thought I was a regular adenoids.
Don't you mean Adonis?
No adenoids. She fell in love with my nose.
I don't understand that. Your nose isn't so beautiful.
It may not be beautiful buddy, but it's mine, all mine.
Yes, but you're so...
Ladies and gentlemen, no other person at these microphones can make that statement.
Well I...
Well I thought you'd start an argument sooner or later.
That's one thing you do very, very well.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, when it comes to anything else you're positively inept.
Listen here Dean Martin, I'm just as epped as you are.
There's one thing I watch, it's my ept-ability.
Yes, but...
Eppness is as eppness does, that's my motto.
It's better to have epped enough than never to have epped at all.
You win, you win, you win.
You're not inept, you're not inept. There's nothing you can't do.
You're smart and intelligent. In fact, I've never known anyone half so brilliant.
Now is that better?
I'm an idiot and you know it.
Speaking of brilliant minds here, I think it's about time we introduced our first guest.
He's none other than that 13 year old child genius, Noel Dabney.
Hey, I remember him. Last time we invited him he didn't show up and I had to take his part.
Couldn't I do that again, huh, please? Ha ha ha ha, please? Ha ha ha ha.
Alrighty, ladies and gentlemen.
Some weeks ago we were proud to present that noted child genius, Noel Dabney.
Tonight we are pleased to welcome in a return visitor.
At 13 years of age he has been graduated from six universities in Pennsylvania.
Possesses one of the greatest minds in the world today. So here he is, Master Noel Dabney.
Now, Noel, I understand that you just became the country's youngest attorney.
Tell me, what's the name of your law firm?
Dabney, Dabney, Dabney and Men.
Dabney, Dabney, Dabney and Men?
Yes, the last word was on the door when we moved in.
Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha.
I wonder, Noel, have you defended anyone in court yet?
Yes, yes.
Last week I defended a man because he sat down to dinner and his mother-in-law asked him to pass the knife.
You had to defend a man just because he passed his mother-in-law a knife?
He happened to pass it right through her.
Through her? I see, well, how did your client make out?
Pretty good. He got 60 days.
Well, that's wonderful. Your client murdered and all he got was 60 days?
Yeah. After that they hang him.
Oh, they hang him.
Tell me Noel, as a boy of 13 aren't you a little afraid to deal with such hardened criminals?
No, not really. Not really, Mr. Morton.
The other day I was standing in a prison yard and a three-time killer came towards me.
His face was hard with hatred, there was blood in his eyes and in his hand he had a piece of broken glass.
I saw him coming toward me, stood ground without fear and stopped him with one word.
And what was that?
Help.
Noel, perhaps you can tell us a little more about legal procedure. For instance, when do you file your briefs?
As soon as they come back from the laundry.
No, no, no.
Not those briefs. When do you file the briefs you use in court?
Like I said, as soon as they come back from the laundry.
Is that the only answer you'll give?
Sure, it's the only pair I got.
Oh.
Well, Jerry, now that you've stood in for Noel Dabney, I suggest we both stand aside and listen to Jimmie Wellington.
Thank you, Dean. And now here's something of interest to everybody.
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Well, every month or so I drop down to the recording studio and put a few new tunes on wax.
And it's always a thrill when you find one tune that you feel is destined to be a hit.
And that seems to be the case with this brand new ditty by Johnny Ains.
Pretty as a picture, so Richard, play it like you did on the record.
You're as pretty as a picture
In your brand new earring and gown
In your eyes I see that starlight of old
With that smile, a little bow
What a lovely, lovely picture
You're my treasure, work of art
And I'll always keep your picture
Love in a room in my heart
What a lovely, lovely picture
You're my treasure, work of art
And I'll always keep your picture
Love in a room in my heart
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We name our ingredients because every smoker should know what makes Chesterfield the best possible smoke.
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Now ladies and gentlemen, the time has come to add a touch of feminine charm to the evening's festivities,
which brings me to the happy task of introducing our lovely guest.
She is one of Filmland's favorite actresses, a really fine talent, and a wonderful person.
Let's say hello to Miss Claire Trevor. Ladies and gentlemen.
Applause
Hello everyone. Hi Dean.
Well it's wonderful seeing you Claire. I've really been looking forward to your visit.
Well thank you Dean. Tell me-
Hey Dean, Dean, have you seen my-
Good heavens Dean, you dyed your hair and got a tone in it.
Laughter
Well Jared, this is Claire.
Oh you dyed your hair and got a Claire.
Laughter
Claire. I'd better explain. You see, before the show I picked a thread from Jerry's head and his brain became unraveled. That's all.
So how did that happen?
Well Jerry wasn't born like other people. He was knitted.
Oh. Well it's too bad. His mother dropped so many stitches.
Yeah.
Laughter
You listen here Dean Martin. I won't have you going around telling people I was knitted. It's an out and out lie and you know it. I wasn't knitted at all.
Weren't you?
No. I was cloche.
Laughter
Jerry, you're impossible. Claire, please allow me to apologize from a partner.
Oh you don't have to apologize Dean. I think he's simply adorable.
You like me?
Laughter
Jerry, you know I do. I think you're terribly attractive.
Alright Martin. Wait in the car.
Laughter
Claire. Claire, don't tell me you go for this idiot.
Yes I'm afraid I do Dean. He brings out my maternal instinct.
Maternal instinct? I remind you of your mother?
Laughter
No no Jerry. Maternal instinct means that I'd like to mother you.
Alrighty. But you'd better check with Dad.
Laughter
Jerry Lewis, a glamorous woman like Claire Trevor just said she goes for you. Can't you show a little respect?
No.
Why?
How can I respect a woman who goes for something like me?
Laughter
Well you better show respect. Miss Trevor happens to be an important movie star.
No kidding. Miss Trevor. Are you really in the movie?
Well.
Laughter
Yes I had made a few pictures.
I bet you know all those other movie stars.
Yes I imagine I do.
Hey is it true that Marilyn Maxwell is really Jack Benny's old car?
Laughter
Well.
Is it true that Janet Lee really is Vivian Lee's brother?
Oh stop it Jerry. How can Janet Lee possibly be Vivian's brother? Janet's a girl.
Good heavens. Wait till I tell Tony Curtis.
Laughter
Dean you know something? I just found out what's wrong with this boy.
What's that Claire?
He's awake.
Yes.
Laughter
Say before this party gets too far out of hand how about getting in training for tonight's little play?
Training? Gee that sounds like a play about fighters. I love plays about fighters.
Seriously I get a big kick out of Price fights. Why every time I hear that bell ring I always say come in.
Laughter
And who steps in but Jimmy Wallington?
Ladies and gentlemen tonight our thoughtful stars take you behind the scenes of the most exciting sport of all time.
The manly art of self defense.
What is the fight game really like? Let us listen as Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis and Claire Trevor bring you that stirring drama of the squared circle.
Bell
A dressing room named perspire.
Laughter
Bell
Laughter
Our scene is a dingy little dressing room in a midtown fight arena. Here we find our hero, killer Leavage.
80 pounds of whip cord and steel. It is just before the big fight that we find him testing his punching power on Billy, his sparring partner.
Okay Billy you better brace yourself I'm gonna hit you with everything I got. Now take this and this and this. Last but not least take this.
Gosh Billy did I hurt you? Sometimes I don't know my own strength.
Forget it killer I'll be alright.
Laughter
Hey killer hey killer hurry up it's almost time for you to get in the ring.
Sorry Rocky but I can't go in the ring.
Yeah well as your manager I say you have to go in that ring.
But I can't.
What's the matter got no guts?
No got no trunk.
No trunk.
Laughter
Killer listen don't worry I brought you a pair of trunks see I bought them specially to match your eyes.
Gee look Rocky bloodshot trunk.
Yeah.
Laughter
What do you say Billy is everything all set?
We can't lose Rocky the referee is my brother the timekeeper is my uncle killer has a horseshoe in each glove and the other guy promised to take a dive in the first round.
Laughter
Hey can I ask one question?
Sure what is it?
Is this fight fixed?
Laughter
Listen you if this fight was on the level you'd get murdered.
Oh yeah well I happen to be a pretty tough fighter see don't forget I have a cauliflower ear.
So what lots of fighters have a cauliflower ear.
With hollandaise sauce?
No.
Laughter
Killer don't be stubborn we're doing this to help you.
I refuse to fight in a fixed match.
Yeah you better try and convince him Billy I'll go see the champ.
Locks
Well killer we're all alone just you and me a boy and a girl.
Can I ask you one question Billy?
Anything which of us is which?
Laughter
Killer tell me something have you ever kissed a girl before?
Gosh no have you?
Laughter
Well brace yourself junior you're about to be kissed.
Okay first let me put down my boxing gloves there let's go.
Kiss
What a kiss I can't tell you how that kiss affected me I feel weak oh no I'm dizzy my body is swaying I can hardly stand.
No wonder you're standing on my boxing glove.
Laughter
Okay killer I fixed everything the fight is on the up and up you better get in there and slug like mad good luck killer.
I'll fight him.
Laughter
Well there he goes.
Laughter
Well here he comes.
Laughter
Killer you alright?
I never felt better in my whole life.
Laughter
How did he nail me?
Well he jabbed twice at your head dug a right into your midsection gave you an uppercut to the jaw a right and left to the nose three more jabs to the head and a roundhouse right to the jaw.
That's just what I thought a lucky punch.
Laughter
Well as player Trevor Jerry and I retire to a neutral corner we leave further ringside announcements to Jimmy Wallington.
Thank you Dean.
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Music
While a bunch of us were sitting around a table to doons and Palm Springs a few weeks ago the conversation started to send around old songs.
Phil Harris, Mac Gray and I all mentioned our favorite oldies and then Ruby the owner came up with one that we all remember fondly.
We reminisced about Bing Crosby's great rendition of that song and I fell in love with it all over again.
I have a hunch you'll feel the same way when you hear it.
Here we go.
Music
In dreams I kiss your hand madam
Your ditty finger tail
And while in slumberland the dance
I'm begging for your lips
I haven't any right madam
To do the things I do
Just when I hold you tight madam
You vanish with the night madam
In dreams I kiss your hand madam
And pray my dreams come true
Music
I haven't any right madam
To do the things I do
Just when I hold you tight madam
You vanish with the night madam
In dreams I kiss your hand madam
And pray my dreams come true
Music
In dreams I shake your hand madam
No Jerry, no Jerry. It's in dreams I kiss your hand madam.
Not with me buddy. The girls I dream about have warts.
Look there.
Hey Jerry, when you walk home tonight, will you do me just one little favor?
Sure, what is it?
Cross against the lights.
Hey that was terrific. Cross against the lights.
Hey Dick, did you hear what Dean said? And he's a singer and all that.
You know, he's supposed to sing the songs and all that and help me with the jokes.
But I make the jokes. I'm the comedian.
And look the way he said a joke right now and everyone in the audience they laughed.
Don't do it no more.
Boys, what seems to be the trouble?
Oh no trouble at all, Claire. Jerry's just acting up again.
You know, I was really worried when I came on the show tonight.
Really Claire, why?
Well, most of my work has been dramatic acting and I thought if I appeared on a comedy program with two mad men it might be a little difficult.
But my agent said it would be a real good idea and I listened to him and well he talked me into coming on the show.
I really gave him a hard time but I'm going to call him up right after the show.
Well what are you going to say to him?
Don't do it no more.
Honestly fellows, I've had a lot of fun being with you on your show tonight. Please ask me back again soon.
We certainly shall. You were a great guest.
Yeah and a wonderful sport and thanks a lot, Claire.
Oh thank you boys. Good night everybody.
Good night, Claire.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to give our heartfelt thanks to all of you who have sent contributions to the Muscular Dystrophy Association.
And for those of you who haven't contributed as yet, please give this wonderful charity a little consideration.
In this age of miracles it is a horrible thing to think that there is still a disease that is incurable.
But no cure has been found for this dread disease that strikes young and old alike.
Somewhere, somehow there must be a cure for muscular dystrophy and your contributions will help our wonderful scientists to find it.
Please mail your contributions to MDA New York 8 New York. That's MDA New York 8 New York. Thank you.
Well folks, until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis reminding you that our current picture, Sailor Beware, can now be seen at your local theaters.
Good night everybody.
See you soon.
Round off for Chesterfield, a cigarette that's much milder with an extraordinarily good taste and most important, no unpleasant aftertaste.
And by Anderson for faster relief from pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia.
Hear Phil Harris and Alice Faye Sunday at 7 on NBC.